Blast from the Past...8, I think. Hardcore Match: See: Despair in action.
The Demola Clan
Past. Hell if I remember. That's what I'm writing it down as, and if
I'm wrong, correct me.
Anyways, as we Demolas continue to show you the type of quality YOU
would expect from the DWF, our journey takes us to four months ago to
the desolate, barren wasteland scoffed at by Eliot and Shelley
alike...New York.
Okay, so maybe the Yankees aren't the epitomy of the Hallow Men...but
I'll be damned if Hillary Clinton doesn't bare a strange resemblance
to Ozymandius...
(You're off topic again, Frank.)
Yes, yes I am. So instead of getting Amtrak'd, let me get back on
track here...
Well this craziness about to follow is after months of feuding between
one of the top heels in the game anywhere, "The Last Sane Man on
Earth" Despair, and everyone's favorite "Souf Pahk" jive talkin', if
incomprehensible, Junya Kontani. This took place on EWWF's Pay Per
View in Early April, and it was the blowoff off of this extreme feud,
which heated up in a dump somewhere near the Hudson...
So for the opening commentary, let's take you to Geoff Jordan and the
sweet lovin sassie mo-lassie and downright magnaminous Casey Jacobs.
And FYI...Adam Mitchell= DWF President In char.
GJ: Well kiddies, stay in your seats, because
EWWF
Redemption is JUST heating up right now.
CJ: Damn straight it's heating up. Because we
have
some Despair and Kontani in a...well...very
unusual
match.
GJ: Unusual indeed. You see, this match was going
to
cover so much ground between these too men that
not
even Madison Square Garden was large enough of an
area
to "end" their epic feud.
CJ: Blow hard.
GJ: (Aside) I'm just getting started. - And since
the
parking lot match Despair had with Randy Love
turned
so sour, Adam Mitchell decided, for better or for
worse, that this could NOT be in an open
territory,
easy to climb over.
CJ: Nah, really!?
GJ: So to insure that this match goes as
planned...well...It's hard for US to describe
here at
the MSG...So let's get you out to the Southern
New
York City dump where we have special guest
commentators! Our own Matt Hammer is on the scene
with
an SEWF legend and all around wrestling legend in
one
Magnus Colby!
[Cut to Matt, looking bright and cheery, and
Magnus,
who couldn't give half a shit on a good day.]
MH: Thank you Geoff, and this is your magnanimous
interviewer Matt Hammer! And with me
as...well...of
today is Magnus Colby!
MC: He said that you dolt.
MH (Tugs at his collar): Well, yah, just figure
I'd,
you know, set the story.
MC: No. This is how you set the story.
(Enter shit-eating grin and Ring announcer
fasaud.)
MC: This is Magnus Colby here at the shithole!
That's
right, LITERALLY! Just five miles from the Hudson
River...that's right, WHERE THE WATER YOU DRINK
COMES
FROM...and here we have a wrestling ring filled
with
weapons, and surrounded by a ring of cars set on
fire!!!!!!!
Now normally, this would be enough, but Adam "I
demoted you" Mitchell seems to think that it
isn't
outside of a wrestler's budget to buy the Great
coral
reef to put out this flame, so wrapped around the
whole flaming package are lengths of razor wire
and
barbed wire.
Ludicrous? You bet. Costly? Not really. There's
plenty
of shitty cars in New York, and luckily with New
Jersey just a stone's throw away, so you can bet
all
the oiliest, dirtiest, grimiest cars from the
slimiest
Italians are all burning their sulfuric contents
in an
atmosphere near you! All so two mid-card
never-will-bes kill each other for your
amusement.
Matt, take it the fuck away. I'm going to sleep.
[Pan out to the announcers right next to the
ring, and
surrounded by 20 foot high walls of flaming
vehicles.
No, that wasn't sarcasm, and Magnus really is
sleeping. And yes, Despair and Kontani are
already in,
waiting for the ref's consent.]
MH: Well, it looks like we're ready to start the
Surrender Extreme Championship match between
Junya
"Kamikaze" Kontani and the "Last Sane Man on
Earth"
Despair!
...and Magnus is asleep...so KICK SOME ASS
GUYS!!!
[DING DING DING]
[Kontani and Despair on the same wavelength both
go
for a spear, and instead clash heads in mid-air.
Despair growls as Kontani kips up.]
MH: Gee, these guys seem to know each other in
the
ring...
MC: ... <grunt>
MH: Alrighty then.
[Despair goes to the corner and pulls out…]
MH: Despair has a bat!!!
And Kontanui's reached into his corner…and found
a
bo-ken!!
[The two charge, and the wooden phallic symbol
weapons
collide!]
<CRACK!>
MH: The two met at each other's left side!!! Now
Despair's going for an uppercut!!!
<CRACK!>
MH: Blocked! Kontani for the thrust forward!
Despair
ducks!
<CRACK!>
…And hits Kontani's weapon into the air! Now a
swing…
AND A MISS!
[Junya now steps one foot on the bat, as the
second
comes from the left side…]
MH: Kontani with a roundhouse kick to Despair's
temple! And now the "Kamikaze" one has the bat!!!
See
Magnus? Look!
MC: grumble…grumble…let me…sle-, <snore>
[Kontani, in what seems to be a fit of anger,
swings
hard downwards at Despair]
<CRRASH!>
MH: Only canvas did Kontani connect with there,
as
Despair narrowly evades! But Kontani's
persistent!
<CRASH!>
MISS!
<CRASH!>
MISS!
<CRASH!>
MISS! But that was DAMN CLOSE! And now Despair's
in
the corner!!!
[Kontani winds up as Despair reaches into a
pocket…]
MH: Kontani swings…but Despair threw something in
his
eye!
<CLLLLLLLANG!!!>
MH: And Kontani let the bat go into the pole!
[Kontani's bleeding over his right eye as we see
a
sharp metal object protruding from his skin.]
MH: Junya has a nail sticking out of his eye…And
look!
Despair's going to kick it in deeper!
But Junya blocks it…KICK TO THE GROIN BY KONTANI!
And another! ANOTHER! ANOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!
ROSHAMBU YA FOR IT!
[The ref can only watch in confusion as Despair
gets
repeatedly nailed in the crotch. During this
jostling,
Kontani's nail drops to the floor…but the kicks
continue!]
MH: I don't think even a man as tough as Despair
can
take this for that much longer… Hey Colby, a
little
help here?
MC: Ack schmack. I'm the janitor.
[Despair kicks Kontani in the non-kicking leg,
momentarily halting the attack long enough for
Despair
to pick up the nail. He then jams the nail into
Kontani's boot and sweeps Junya's legs from under
him!]
MH: Good thinking by Despair there, as The Sanest
Man
on Earth-
MC: Idiot.
MH: Well you're no help- Anyways, he stabbed what
appears to be the front of Kontani's boot,
probably
beyond the foot, luckily for us, because Kontani
isn't
screaming in pain.
[Kontani still stuck to the canvas as Despair
rolls on
the ground, trying to relieve the pain in his
groin.]
MH: Despair seems to be licking his wounds here.
MC: Let's hope not.
MH: <Sigh>
[Kontani tries to pull the needle/nail out of
canvas
to no avail, so now he yanks at the shoe as
Despair
quickly approaches in sprint.]
MH: Kontani's in for some pain if he can't figure
this
one out.
[No one really can, because who expects to get
dropkicked in the ankle?]
MH: OUCH! Kontani just got some "not supposed to
bend
that way" agony.
MC: Oh boy. My favorite. (blinks.) Maybe this
COULD be
worth calling after all.
[Kontani managed to pull the boot from under the
nail,
having the head pass through the boot, leaving
the
nail in the canvas. However, he's still holding
his
ankle, and now Despair has a chair.]
MH: Despair's got steel!
<SMACK!>
Kontani's left ankle just got hammered!
<SMACK!>
Again!
<SMACK!> Three times!
Now Despair's JAMMING the end of the chair into
the
calf bone! I can't watch this Magnus!
MC: Are you kidding me! Finally some of this new
shit
worth the price of admission! Someone give ol'
Magnus
a bag of popcorn, cause we're in fer uh helluva
show!
MH: Hey Magnus…
MC: What?
MH: How can we get popcorn when we're trapped by
over
50 tons of flaming steel?
MC: It's called an analogy, you idiot.
MH: Oh. But this is a wrestling match, not
geometry.
MC: Shut up.
MH: Bu-
MC: Just…quit. Now.
[Despair now hits an Arabian Facebuster on
Kontani's
exposed leg. Now a kneedropwith the chair on the
leg.
Two more of those later and then Despair hooks on
an
STF.]
MH: Hmmm…Despair looking to make Junya tap out…
MC: IN a hardcore match?
MH: Magnus, Junya in six years has NEVER
submitted.
EVER. Nor has he lost a singles hardcore match.
So
perhaps Despair is seeking to dismantle Kontani
here…
MC: That's great. Just leave the psychology to
me. You
see, Despair, he's a fuckhead. He gets a boner
off of
little children being anally penetrated.
Preferably by
you, you part-time pastor you.
MH: Dick.
MC: It's just that simple, really.
REF: DO YOU GIVE UP JUNYA!?!?
(Junya looks in pain, but shakes his head for a
clear
no.)
[Despair cinches it on tighter at the leg.]
REF: JUNYA, DO YOU SURRENDER!?!?
JKK: NO!!!- AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
[Despair now uses the free hand to pound at the
knee
with a chair, then adds more pressure to the
STF.]
REF: JUNYA…DO YOU GIVE UP!?!?!?
JKK: …
-
(Junya shrugs. He then gives one…two…three
headbutts!
Now two elbows to the temple!)
MH: Armbar by Kontani! A brilliant escape WOWS
the
crowd here at Madison Square Garden!
But Despair pokes Kontani in the eyes, and except
for
a few short bruises, we're back from where we
started.
[Despair smiles as Kontani limps on one
leg…Despair
goes for a single leg…Kontani hops over it! Now
he
grabs the top rope with his hands and slides with
his
feet into Despair's face!]
MH: Despair dropkicked to the outside…
[Kontani quickly gets to his feet, and jumping,
now
handstanding on the top rope…now jumping and
flipping…]
(MSG CROWD: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
MH: WHAT A MOVE! Kontani with a handspring senton
bomb
from off the top rope to the outside!
MC: Good thing he landed weird.
[Kontani holds his hurt ankle, cradling it in his
arms.]
MC: That makes it all worth while.
MH: You're sick.
MC: No, I'm underpaid. And you're a shitty
commentator. So no, neither of us have a
debilitating
physical condition…at least in your case, it's
incurable, so it's not exactly a disease persay.
MH: You just love to put people dow-
MC: Yes. Yes I do. How very perceptive of you to
notice.
[Kontani up…grabs an umbrella from the ground…]
MH and MC: AN UMBRELLA!?!?
MC: Now I've seen everything.
MH: This IS a dump!
MC: I'm sure New Yorkers won't appreciate that
little
crack. (Fake smile)
[Kontani takes the umbrella…folds it out…and then
lifts open the top too high, so it folds in.]
MC: HA! That dumb Jap can't even open one right!
[He then sees the standing up Despair…and gouges
Despair with the multi-pointed end he just
created!]
MH: Or does he?
[Kontani, now visibly perturbed, digs the spikes
into
Despair's forehead.]
MH: That wound is still tender…well, there's
blood!!!!!!!
MC: YES! Blood! He broke open Despair like a
virgin
twat by Ron Jeremy in a snuff film! Go Jap-gazmo!
MH: -…- Jap Gazmo?
MC: I loved that movie. Long live Asian sequels
and
Lucy Liu.
[Kontani seems satisfied with the blood he's
drawn,
and now leans against the umbrella, using it as a
cane.]
MH: Smart move again by Junya! Now he has
something
to-
[Despair takes both of his feet, wrap it around
the
cane, and whip it into Kontani's area where the
sun
doesn't shine.]
MC: Payback's a bitch, Jap.
MH: I thought you started to like him!?
MC: Anything's possible with a Charlie's Angels
dream…oh Cameron…
MH: That's enuff.
[Despair grins again, gets up and immediately
goes to
throw Junya into the flaming cars!]
MC: OH GOD!!! FIRE BLOOD! DEATH!
MH: This is going to get ugly. Not just real
quick…but
now!
[Despair, holding Junya by the back of the head,
takes
him 10 feet from the ring where some cars on…then
he
winds up…pitches…]
MH: KONTANI STICKS A FOOT INTO THE FLAME TO BLOCK
HIS
FACE!
[Kontani feels the burn and lets go…only to just
get
the other leg up before his face went in!]
MH: Kontani makes another save! And now he's
switching
between right and left like hot potato!
[Despair, sick of this, goes to throw an atomic
drop
on Junya…]
MH: Junya's almost thrown…BUT HE LANDED ON BOTH
FEET!
ASAI MOONSAULT!!!!!!!!!! Both men fall down as
Kontani's pants are SCORCHED!
[The two men scramble on the ground, as Junya's
still
holding his left ankle. Despair's up first, but
instead of picking Junya up, he stomps on Junya's
ankle twice.]
MH: Des-
MC: Despair headed to the ring…and yes, I do like
to
get a word in sometimes.
MH: Ho-
MC: You're predictable, greenie. Deal wit it.
[Despair looks under the ring…then nodding, he
seems
satisfied…]
MH: Despair's grabbed some kind of plastic
bucket?
[Despair puts the bucket down…and punches into it
with
both hands…when they're pulled out…]
MH: HOLY LORD! Despair just dug glass into his
own
fists!!!
MC: TAIPEI DEATH TIME!
[As Kontani gets up…Despair and his glass-covered
hands hold on to the bucket, the prior running at
his
adversary with a bucket.]
MH: Kontani could be in some pain here!
[Despair throws the contents of the bucket at
Kontani…]
MH: KONTANI DUCKED! SAND AND GLASS IS ALL OVER
THE
CARS BEHIND THEM! And the fire is quenched, if
only in
one section!
[Kontani turns to the wall to see the glass
everywhere, then turns around to a face full of
glass!]
MC: MORE BLOOD!
MH: Kontani's cut on the forehead!
<SMACK!>
<SMACK!>
<SMACK!>
<SMACK!>
<SMACK!>
MH: Six shots of glass-covered fists to the face!
<SMACK!>
<SMACK!>
<SMACK!>
<SMACK!>
MH: Ten! And now Kontani's swimming in his own
blood!
[Now Despair grabs Kontani's hurt ankle, slightly
charred, and digs in knuckles first!]
MC: Ewww! Gore!
MH: I thought you-
MC: I LOVE IT!
MH: I really am predictable!
[Kontani, fighting with his right leg and
flailing
fists, finally connects with a kick to Despair's
ribs.
As Despair clutches himself, Junya grabs
Despair's
ankles, and sliding under, he trips Despair, face
first backwards…]
<SIZZLE!!!!!>
MC and MH: OH SHIT!
MH: Despair's face just got scalded on that heavy
conductor that is a car hood!
MC: That kind of parallelism has no place in
wrestling.
MH: Paranormal-what!?
MC: Nevermind. Continue your feeble commentary.
[Despair's holding his forehead that was
bleeding,
which took the brunt of the blow, as the cut has
scabbed quite nicely with the extreme heat.
Kontani's
wound is still flesh, but that last move took
most of
his draining adrenaline, so now both men lie on
the
ground.]
MH: This is insane. I mean, one car on fire is
enough.
Seriously. Why do we need to be surrounded by
this
stuff?
MC: In case they brought fire blankets?
MH: Adam Mitchell obviously didn't realize that
for
these two men, it wasn't about escaping. It's
personal. Despair ended Junya's title reign
without
beating him. He took away his best friend Randy
Love.
And Junya's newest ally has been a thorn in the
SEX
champions' side since-
MC: Look, you rookie, you say that at the START,
you
idiot. Not in the middle of a fucking match.
MH: Wha-
MC: The background. Christ, who do you think you
are?
This isn't some fed from East Bumfuck,
Connecticut.
This is the big time. EWWF. And the champion just
got
his head burned, perhaps permanently, on a car
hood
that was at least 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
So you tell me what the fuck it is that makes you
a
dumbshit.
MH:…Dang man, I'm just an interviewer.
MC: So was Slippy Suck- Cocker, but he managed.
Gawd.
[Despair's eyes are wide open, Junya's teeth are
gritted. Both men now get up…and Junya gets a
kick to
the midsection…]
<SMASSH!>
MH: TIGAH DRIVAH! SWEEEEET! SWEEEEEEET!!!!
COVER!!!!
1…
2…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
MC and MH: DESPAIR'S UP AT TWO!?!?
[Junya's pissed. Takes Despair up…again double
underhook…]
MH: TIGER DRIVER #2!!!!!!
COVER!!!!
1…
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
MH: DESPAIR'S LAUGHING! HE JUST KICKED OUT OF
SECOND
TIGER DRIVER…AT TWO!
MC: Being color, I should point out that Junya's
leg
is REALLY fucked up. He isn't getting any
elevation on
these.
MH: But he's going to do it AGAIN! WHAT BALLS!
[Junya gives a stiff roaring elbow to Despair's
jaw.
Despair stops laughing. Now Junya…double
underhook…]
<SMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!>
MH: NUMBER THREE! And Despair's OUT COLD as his
head
slid HARD into the car hood!
MC: He got elevation THIS time! Pure metabolic
rage.
Sinful rage!
MH: Dear LORD! A cover while Despair's head is
pressed
on the car hood!
1…
2…
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HOLY SHIT HE'S UP! HOOOW!?!?!?
[Junya is screaming at the referee. Madison
Square
Garden is on its feet in disbelief as Despair
cowers,
holding the top of his head.]
MC: Damn, Junya hit that one good…and Despair is
showing why HE'S the champ!
MH: I've never seen Junya like this…he's taking
this
really to heart. He honestly thinks he had him.
[More arguing, but it suddenly stops as Junya
looks at
the camera…then to the car…then to Despair…]
MC: What's that crazy Jap thinking?
MH: I don't wanna know.
[Junya, holding his ankle, then
walks…agonizingly,
climbs up the car hood, blowing on his fingers as
he
does.]
MH: He's going up the car hood! Good God! That's
gotta
hurt!
MC: It must have lessened a bit in heat…but right
above him is more fiery inferno!
[Junya balances on a flat area of cars…and
steadying
himself, he stands up, and looks at Despair…
Who's squirming.]
MH: DESPAIR'S COMING ALIVE!
MC: And Junya doesn't like it!
[Junya, going for the Kamikaze Bomb, cannot go
for it
with Despair up…so he bends over to hit Despair…]
(CRUNCH)
MC: YES!!!!
MH: Ugh! Despair's biting the bleeding, dried up
scorched skin on Junya's lower leg!!!!!
[Despair digs in until the pain is too much, and
Junya
falls backward, head into fiery cars behind him!]
MC: SLEEP NOW IN THE FIRE!
MH: JUNYA'S STUCK IN THE FIRE, HEAD ON THE
BURNING
ENGINE OF A MUSCLE CAR! And Despair's crawled up,
still holding the ankle to keep the leverage so
Junya
CANT GET OUT!
[Junya's body squirms…but soon all of the muscles
are
put under control with a version of the infamous
crossface…]
MC: HUMAN TORMENT! HUMAN TORMENT! AND KONTANI'S
HEAD
ES EN FUEGO!!!!!!!!
MH: THIS IS INHUMANE! STOP IT REF! HE CANT get
out!
[The ref asks Junya if he will submit…since his
face
is pressed against the engine, he shakes his hand
no.]
MH: It's clenched in harder! Junya's face is
about to
melt before us!
MC: That would rule!
REF: JUNYA, I CAN NOT STOP THIS FIGHT! There MUST
BE A
WINNER…
DO YOU GIVE UP!!!
JKK (Managing to tilt his head to the side): …
SOUF PAHK!!!!!!!!!
MC: Uck.
MH: Ack. His face is melting…seriously.
MC: The smell is killer-bee.
[Despair forces Kontani's mouth back over the
car, and
then with a twist of the wrist…]
MH: WHAT A SNAP!
MC: Despair just seized Kontani's neck and
twisted it!
MH: Junya's out cold! He wasn't going to give up!
So
Despair put him out!
MC: Just academic here.
REF: JUNYA, CAN YOU HEAR ME!?
…
Alright then…I have no choice…
(Lifts hand…)
(It drops…)
(Second lift…)
(Second drop.)
(Final lift…)
(Final drop…AS DESPAIR THROWS THE REF FROM THE
CAR
HOOD AREA TO THE HARD CONCRETE BELOW!)
MH: OH GOD NO! WHAT THE HELL! Despair just threw
the
ref before he could count it!
Now Despair's letting go of the Torment! Finally,
he's
pulling Junya out of…
AHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!
[Despair pulls out from his now pus-filled,
second
degree burned knuckles, the face of Junya
Kontani. It
is all red, and enflamed and swollen. Then, with
a
smiling, he puts the unconscious Kontani to his
knees,
and standing next to him…]
MH: Oh God…don't make him do…that!
MC: Dear lord. I don't think Junya's lips could
pucker
that wide…if move at all.
[A jump later onto Junya's shoulders…]
MH: FLYING FRANKENSTEINER!!! DAMNIT! DAMNIT ALL!
That's what put Junya out of the EWWF in its
first
week of existence! THAT DAMN BASTARD DESPAIR!
[Now the ref slowly gets up, as a satisfied
Despair
covers Junya…]
1…
2…
3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[DING DING DING]
MH: It's over. Mercifully, it's over. Despair,
that
disgusting, brutal carcass of a soul has just
ended
Junya Kontani.
MC: Damn. That was just brutal.
[Despair, however, reaches into the nearest pile
of
cars…and reaching back…he pulls out…]
MH: RAZOR WIRE! DEAR GOD NO!
[Despair takes the razor wire, and looking
sadistically at Junya's forehead, begins to
carve.]
MC: Ugh…this is too much…I think I'm gonna hurl…
MH: Dear God…This is Matt Hammer speaking for my
partner Magnus Colby, and we're signing out…
NOW! GO!
[CRASH!]