[Critique] [My First RSPWF Roleplay] [Rookie]
Erik 8o8
`·`.ÌìÌì• Erik "Quantum" Andrews •íÍíÍ.´·´
.`·`. ` 0 - 0 - 0 ´ .´·´.
‹v^• " The Future Of This Bisness " •^v›
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|...Scene...| A Man walks along a path at a local park. He walks past many
people that approach him with many different cliches attempting to stop him and
start a conversation. What he does, he keeps on walking...
[man] Hello.
"Hello."
[man] How's Your Day?
"Whats it matter to you?"
[man] I guess nothing.
|...Scene...| The man walks on by.
"Stupid guy. I am not as friendly as he may think."
[woman] Hey there sexy!
"Sexy? Woman, chill on those words. I am not your husband, your boyfriend, or
the guy you fucked last night, dont give me that bullshit. Keep on walking. I
aint your sexy man that you gave head to, dont approach me ever again you
slut."
[woman] Hey Asshole, try the nice approach.
"Approach? You started the unwanted conversation, whore, keep on walking."
|...Scene...| He approaches the pond. He sees a man fishing. He feels like
stopping. He walks over and rests on a bench near the fisherman.
[fisherman] Hey there.
"Yes?"
[fisherman] Hows your day been?
"Do you care that bad? Whats with this fucking world. Cant get a moment of
peace. I tend to take walks when bored, not looking for somebody to talk to,
but he up and going springy world filled with moronic attitudes continues to
confront me with pitty conversations that I feel arent necessary to live the
daily life."
[fisherman] Have you ever took those depression pills?
"What for? Do you think I am depressed? Or even disturbed? Your wrong, I
look at things very differently then the normal man. I dont jump to the
occaision to talk to somebody, if they dont interest me, I dont care to talk to
them, enough said."
[fisherman] Well I am sorry for you that the world doenst enlighten you. I
surely dont have a problem with it. Ohh hold on, I have a bite.
|...Scene...| The fisherman catches a small fish. He holds it up with his
hand and looks at Erik. He laughs.
[fisherman] First catch always a dandy.
"Looks to me like your doing pretty shity."
[fisherman] The size of the fish isnt that of the same size of the enjoyment
of your first catch of the fishing trip you know. I enjoy catching fish of all
sizes.
"What, now you want a cookie for that nobell prize thought your brainstorming?
You fuckin old retired man, think your special? Think because your old retired
and dont have a damn thing to do in life that is it quite dandy? Well let me
give you the flipside of things. This world sucks. Nothing is given to you.
You work for everything or enjoyment is nothing but a blemmish. Look me in the
eyes and tell me that you see an enjoyed look. Hell no you dont. Because I
have pestering people like you stopping my days from prospering on as fast as I
plan them to."
[fisherman] Well I am deeply sorry.
"No your not. Just dont talk old man, just dont talk."
|...Scene...| Erik gets up and he begins to walk again. He sees a drinking
fountain. He walks up to it, he takes a few gulps and he goes and sits on a
swing in the play area. A few little kids come up to him.
[boy] Hey Mister, can I use that swing?
"Use the swing I am sitting on? But why, there are many other swings to choose
and you are soo spoiled to the point where you need to use my swing? Get lost
kid, I dont need your shit to stop the flow of my day."
[girl] Mister dont talk dirty in front of my little brother, its
disrespectful.
"How old are you little girl? Nine. I mean you dont need to talk to me like
your 35, you get lost aswell, get away from me and so help me god little girl,
if I see your face again I am going to smack it right out of my view."
[their mother] Dont you talk to my kids like that.
"Bitch, let me put it this way. If you didn't breast feed your kids until they
were 10, you wouldnt be falling into these problems. Your main problem is that
you have two little brats, that want everything that somebody else has. One
has your left nipple and the other has the right. I can see it now. I mean
you aid these kids in situations that dont need help. If they werent spoiled
up the ass then these problems wouldnt occur, now get out of my face aswell.
I'd rather eat shit than look at you a minute longer."
|...Scene...| The mother grabs her two kids, walks to the car and they leave.
He laughs and starts to sway back and fourth slowly.
"Wrestling, a game, something that men do just for the money, or even for the
rights to say that they beat another man, it isnt just a game in my mind, it is
life to me. And you have seen how I work, you have witnessed my attitude, now
you tell me, do you want to step in the ring with a man that has a shorter
temper than Bobby Knight. All I have to say is if you get into the ring with
me, your finding nothing but trouble. But I wont stop you from peddling into
your worste nightmare. I find it quite amusing..."
|...Scene...| He walks off...
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`·`.ÌìÌì• Erik "Quantum" Andrews •íÍíÍ.´·´
.`·`. ` 0 - 0 - 0 ´ .´·´.
‹v^• " The Future Of This Bisness " •^v›
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Jeff Kidwell
Erik,
Very promising character IMO. He's one of those bad ass types that
actually get boos. Rare nowadays. One suggestion...cut down on the "fucks"
"shit" "whores" "ass fuckings" "and girls who take it straight from the
ass, to their mouth without a second of hesitation, swallowing every last
drop of nut I have" OK, so maybe I'm just rehearsing my toast during shots
with my boys at the bar. Anyway, cut down on the cursing and you'll have an
excellent character.
Late
Jkid
Handler of some guy who never started out with an RP this good.
Douggiestyle
>people that approach him with many different cliches attempting to stop him
>and
>start a conversation. What he does, he keeps on walking...
I hate this style of scene writing. But I can accept it.
>[man] Hello.
>
>"Hello."
>
>[man] How's Your Day?
>
>"Whats it matter to you?"
>
>[man] I guess nothing.
>
>|...Scene...| The man walks on by.
>
Ok, that last line would look better as:
[The friendly man continues on his way]
Or something to that effect.
>"Stupid guy. I am not as friendly as he may think."
>
>[woman] Hey there sexy!
>
>"Sexy? Woman, chill on those words. I am not your husband, your boyfriend,
>or
>the guy you fucked last night, dont give me that bullshit. Keep on walking.
>I
>aint your sexy man that you gave head to, dont approach me ever again you
>slut."
>
>[woman] Hey Asshole, try the nice approach.
>
>"Approach? You started the unwanted conversation, whore, keep on walking."
>
This is where the flash starts to really lose any and all credibility. Hardly
anyone in the population of the United States would say this to someone who
calls them sexy, or asks them how they were. Still, some would, so I'll keep
going.
>|...Scene...| He approaches the pond. He sees a man fishing. He feels
>like
>stopping. He walks over and rests on a bench near the fisherman
Here:
[Erik, still angry, continues to walk until he reaches a pond. He wants to take
abreak, so he finds a bench and takes a seat, A fisherman notices him and looks
at him.]
>[fisherman] Hey there.
>
>"Yes?"
>
>[fisherman] Hows your day been?
>
>"Do you care that bad? Whats with this fucking world. Cant get a moment of
>peace. I tend to take walks when bored, not looking for somebody to talk to,
>but he up and going springy world filled with moronic attitudes continues to
>confront me with pitty conversations that I feel arent necessary to live the
>daily life."
>
Again, very few people in the world would do this.
>[fisherman] Have you ever took those depression pills?
>
>"What for? Do you think I am depressed? Or even disturbed? Your wrong, I
>look at things very differently then the normal man. I dont jump to the
>occaision to talk to somebody, if they dont interest me, I dont care to talk
>to
>them, enough said."
>
>[fisherman] Well I am sorry for you that the world doenst enlighten you. I
>surely dont have a problem with it. Ohh hold on, I have a bite.
>
Again, very few people would do any of this, if any at all.
>|...Scene...| The fisherman catches a small fish. He holds it up with his
>hand and looks at Erik. He laughs.
Change scene.
>[fisherman] First catch always a dandy.
>
>"Looks to me like your doing pretty shity."
>
>[fisherman] The size of the fish isnt that of the same size of the enjoyment
>of your first catch of the fishing trip you know. I enjoy catching fish of
>all
>sizes.
>
>"What, now you want a cookie for that nobell prize thought your
>brainstorming?
>You fuckin old retired man, think your special? Think because your old
>retired
>and dont have a damn thing to do in life that is it quite dandy? Well let me
>give you the flipside of things. This world sucks. Nothing is given to you.
>
>You work for everything or enjoyment is nothing but a blemmish. Look me in
>the
>eyes and tell me that you see an enjoyed look. Hell no you dont. Because I
>have pestering people like you stopping my days from prospering on as fast as
>I
>plan them to."
>
>[fisherman] Well I am deeply sorry.
>
>"No your not. Just dont talk old man, just dont talk."
>
NOBODY WOULD DO THIS!
>|...Scene...| Erik gets up and he begins to walk again. He sees a drinking
>fountain. He walks up to it, he takes a few gulps and he goes and sits on a
>swing in the play area. A few little kids come up to him.
>
Change scene.
Would never happen.
>"Wrestling, a game, something that men do just for the money, or even for the
>rights to say that they beat another man, it isnt just a game in my mind, it
>is
>life to me. And you have seen how I work, you have witnessed my attitude,
>now
>you tell me, do you want to step in the ring with a man that has a shorter
>temper than Bobby Knight. All I have to say is if you get into the ring with
>me, your finding nothing but trouble. But I wont stop you from peddling into
>your worste nightmare. I find it quite amusing..."
>
A little better.
>|...Scene...| He walks off...
Ugh, just look at it and you'll figure it out.
Overall, it may seem as if I was *very* picky about this, but overall, it
wasn't a *bad* roleplay. You need to tone it down a little, and make it a
little more realistic. I know if I was a fed head, and I got this as a sample
RP, it'd be hard for me to pick ya up. If I did, you'd be stuck in low-card
status until you prove that you have improved. But if you keep up the work,
you'll get better. Good luck man.
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*Douggiestyle*
Handles:
~Sex and Love (Former 2-Time ICW Tag Team Champions; #10 EWZone MidYear Awards;
#15 RSPWF MidYear Awards) [EMWC]
~"Hate Child" Ethan Love (#3 Best Rookie -RSPWF MidYear Awards) [AWMC]
~ "Tomorrow Man" Dillon de Stride (ACWA)
Quote of the moment: "Say this name: Adolf Oliver Bush" - me
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Twin numba 2-FaTaL LiGHTNiNG J.H.
-- You don't have to write scene every time. Enclose the scene in brackets or
parentheses. Being original or different doesn't always mean being better, even
if you weren't trying to be different.
-- Lose the cussing. All of that isn't needed for a pure bad ass. Cussing is in
the gimmicks name, yes, and bad asses should use a certain degree of cussing,
but an overabundance of cussing and graphic language is not necessary to get
him heat. In most cases, he won't be allowed to cuss that much anyway, in a fed
i mean.
-- In the opening scene, say "That man is Erik Quantam" or something to that
effect. Someone may not always know it was you that rped. Put the name in there
somewhere so we don't have to wait till you say "Erik gets up" later on in the
roleplay.
Some things i liked:
-- Seems to be a nice character, just overall pissed at the world. Goes around
bad-mouthing people or something to that effect. I know i started to get
infuriated when reading it. Easily, you'll get legitimate heat once you make
yourself more credible.
-- The last paragraph. Good one. Best group of sentences you wrote. not bad.
-- The overall Rp. Though it had some bad points, you have potential.
-=FaTaL LiGHTNiNG=-
"Vieing to be first Keystoner of the 2000's to bat .400"
Handles:
Allen Redd of Myths and Millions
[#25 RSPWF Mid-Year Tag Teams]
**The RSPWF Assassin**
Member of Ian Walsh Lynch Mob