[UNWF] Shocker!
UNWF-Prez
.
.
.
.
.
It gets louder, and you can feel the vibrations
.
.
.
.
A sound of a snap, followed by an intense buzz of electricity
.
.
.
The UNWF Proudly presents, SHOCKER!
[The camera's black is now lit up by a two men sitting in front of a desk.
This first, is well known. His cocky expression and self satisfied smirk
identifies him as former UNWF champion, "Jammin" Alan James. His long hair
is brushed back, and he wears black and blue UNWF shirt. The man to his
right, wears a shirt reading "'Start Up" Sean Wood- I Rule You." He also has
a smile on his face. The desk in front of the two wrestlers is gray marble,
with a blue UNWF logo attached to the front.]
Wood: Good evening all, and welcome to UNWF Shocker!
James: Ah, let's tell 'em about this new idea that the owner had.
Wood: Well, Snider rang us up, and told us that the interview show was
getting stale. So, he thought it'd be cool if he brought back Shocker! to
revitalize things a bit.
James: And he hired our butts to generally poke fun of all the interviews
Wood: Well, if you consider that to be offering commentary.
[James casts a glare at Wood. This, however, looks funny. James is taller
than Wood at 6'9, but Wood is by no means intimidated. He himself is a
current wrestler, and stands 6'6.]
Wood: Don't look at me like that.
James: Or what?
Wood: Wait, let's chill for a second. Remember that extra hundred thou that
Snider promised us if we behave.
James: Oh yeah....
Wood: Let's show our first interview of the night. This one comes from El
Nino-
James: The "Masked Mexican" as Chad Cassia called him, I believe.
___________________
[Camera fades in to total darkness. It is not the darkness of night, rather
the darkness of nothing. A light is turned on that illuminates a chair
directly below it. El Niño walks from behind the chair and sits in it,
facing the camera. In his hand, he holds a deck of cards. He tosses 4 cards
like he is dealing to two people on the camera's left, and two people on the
camera's right.]
El Niño: See, it all started a few weeks ago, which seems a long time ago
now. I was fighting Sean Savage, you could consider him a royal flush. It
comes, it makes you really excited, and then it's gone. But, then you think,
was it really skill, or was it just good luck? Yep, he won the crusierweight
title. Well, did he really win, or did I lose it? Was he actually a set up
for Larry Glow to win the belt? Unfortunately, these questions will never me
answered, just like the question of... Was that royal flush great skill...
or
just plain luck?
Later that night, Jack Vars fought then UNWF champion Chad Cassia. A turning
point in UNWF history happened that night. It formed a partnership-
[El Niño takes the four top cards off the pile and throws them on the ground
in front of him so the cards are visible to the camera. They are four
kings.]
That may change history. One man on top of the world, one of the greatest
there ever was. One man who is on the way to proving himself to the world.
Just like four kings, they are very near the best. But what if they were to
disagree? What if their success was no more? What would happen?
[El Niño kicks three of the kings away, and replaces them with a 2, 6, 7,
and Jack.]
Would they be nothing more than a spoiled combination?
[He shakes his head]
The answer: Simply No.
[El Niño now lowers his head.]
One week later, Larry Glow took the belt from Sean Savage. Was it really a
match though? Or was it just a pair of jacks dancing around? After the
match, Savage was gone from the federation. Did Larry beat him into
retirement? Could they have had a deal? Once again, we'll never know.
[El Niño raises his head, stars at the camera for a few seconds, then
violently throws the rest of the cards around the room, then returns to a
stare at the camera.]
Mass hysteria. That's what it was one week ago. I was fighting Lonestar when
men of every race and creed gathered in or around the ring. After the
hysteria was finished, the referee counted the one... two... three... But,
that wasn't it. It continued this week. I came to the arena that afternoon
expecting to fight Justin Sane, one of the men who cost me the victory the
week before. He didn't show up. Was his plane canceled? Maybe, maybe not.
Anyway, I got to fight Vinnie Micelli, one of Larry Glow's good buddies.
Well, the tables were turned this time. In a matter of seconds, a bad hand
suddenly turned good.
That leads me to this Sunday in Toronto, Canada. A place of historical
significance. History will be once again made this time. Not in any
construction site or House of Commons. This time, history will be made in
the ring.
[El Niño's voice goes a bit softer]
Matches will be won.
[A bit louder.]
Scores will be settled.
[Pretty loud now.]
Belts will change hands.
[Very soft again.]
All on one night. Be prepared to feel the pressure.
_____________________________
[The camera cuts back to James and Wood]
James: I think Nino's been watching a little too many promos for Northwest
Terrortories.
Wood: He's just excited, that's all.
James: Suuuuure.. I bet that masked Mexican is trying to win Snider over..
Wood: Oh yeah, like the Number One Ranked UNWF Wrestler needs any winning
over. Back to his interview, I think he seemed to be a bit more serious this
time.
James: Oh, good for him. I hope Glow beats his friggin face in.
Wood: Speaking of Larry Glow, let's run his interview now. "Loverboy" Larry
Glow and El Nino will meet at Northwest Terrortories, at what could turn out
to be the most anticipated match on the card. It already has James here
picking favorites.
James: Yeah, how 'bout I pick you up and chokeslam your scrawny ass right
through this table?
___________________________
[The scene opens with "Loverboy" Larry Glow and Vinnie "The Blade" Micelli
in the locker room after Vinnie's match on Madness. Vinnie is very angry,
throwing around chairs and punching lockers.]
Larry: Eric Wood, you are an as*hole! Vinnie Micelli was never told of the
opponent switch tonight! If you have a problem with your wife wanting my
big johnson, that's between you and me! Vinnie is a rookie and he was
prepared for Scarzam, and you throw El Nino at him! Well, El Nino, I think
you and Wood have some kind of plan going to run The Blade and myself out of
the UNWF! Wood, you're jealous of me cause your wife's lips are always
around my big Glow stick, and El Nino is jealous...............CAUSE I'M THE
CHAMP!!!!!! First off Wood, I have no feelings for your wife. I am not
attracted to fat women with beards. But if she wants to give me a GLOW JOB,
I ain't stopping here! El Nino, you never scared me and you never, ever
will. You're cracking up. I have
you right where I want you! At the Pay-Per-View, The Loverboy's going in for
the kill! You will learn the hard way that I'm the greatest wrestler alive
today!
Vinnie: I'm just a rookie in wrestling. But at the pay-per-view, me and
Lethal Larry are comin' to fight. We're not in that big tag-team match to
wrestle, we are gonna brawl! There is no better brawlers in the UNWF, then
Larry and The Blade! And Perry Hernandez, you wanna box! You're stepping
into Vinnie's world, brother! I'm gonna knock your punk-ass out!
Larry: And Chad Cassia, you're lucky I'm in two matches at the pay-per-view
already! I would have gladly been your opponent! I pinned you at Chicago
Style, and I could do it again! I would have sent you crying out of the
UNWF, just like I did to J.D. Cobra! Well, somewhere down the line Cassia,
I will get you! And to everybody in this Federation, all you fans who send
me hate mail and last but not least, Eric Wood.......F[Bleep] OFF!!
Vinnie: (pointing to Larry) CAUSE HE'S THE CHAMP!
Larry: Damn right I am.
[Larry and Vinnie storm out of the locker room as the camera fades back to
the studio]
____________________________
James: (Holding his ear) Damn Larry Glow yells too much.
Wood: What do you mean?! I thought that was cool! It was fun!
[James shoves Sean]
James: Oh well, I still hope he kicks the Mexican's ass. And he's gonna do
it twice, once in the 4-way, and once in the LHW match.
Wood: However you say it, it's gonna be incredible.
James: You know, I read something the other day, about a few other
Pay-Per-Views on Sunday.
Wood: Oh yeah?
James: Yeah. I myself have to go to one, so I wont be able to get to
Northwest Terrortories.
Wood: Gee, that's a shame.
James: But the one I read about, was some federation called the IeyeWF? Ever
hear of them?
Wood: Nope.
James: Well, I guess they're closing their doors, and the last ever show for
them is on Sunday.
Wood: I feel bad.
James: Why?
Wood: 'Cause everyone's gonna be too busy watching Northwest Terrortories to
see that.
[Wood snickers]
______________________
[Camera opens up on "Black Heart" Brad Morris as he sits in his locker
room. He is slamming down chair and knocking over tables. He is still in
his wrestling gear and he knocks over a locker. He picks up a mirror from
the wall and wings it across the room.]
Brad Morris: Kipper, Mack buddy, you [Bleep]ed up. You are the reason we
lost that tag match today. Let me tell you something buddy, at the pay per
view in front of a crowd of thousands, you better not [Bleep]k up like you
did
tonight. Because you gotta realize that I get you one on one later in the
night, and you better not get me pissed before it even starts.
Brad Morris: Scott Storm, your little victory means nothing. I beat your
ass in the middle of that ring once before. The only reason you finally
reached your goal of getting your greasy little paw raised is because Mack
screwed up. And Mack will pay for that. As for you Storm, don't start
gloating yet. You haven't proved anything.
Brad Morris: Kipper, that little taste of the heartbreaker is just the
beginning. The tag match, sure we can get through it together. But when
we step in that ring across from each other, it's gonna be hell. You know
it and I know it Mack. Mack, I'm a former 3 time world champion, a former
intercontinental champion, a former Hardcore champion, a two time former TV
Champion, a former tag champion, and a king of the ring. I've done it all
and been everywhere. I've tasted the victories a champion tastes. I've
felt the weight around my waist that every champion feels. And I've felt
the pressure to go out there and perform at my top. And now Mack, it's
about time you be feeling the pressure. The Pay Per View is right around
the corner, and you've got two big matches staring you right in the face.
Mack, we're both undefeated in singles competition around here. The tag
matches, they mean squat in my book. But one of us must leave that ring
with a scarred record, and one must leave flawless. The Black Heart will
be leaving the ring undefeated as you cry when I strap that belt around my
waist. Damn, I might just have you strap it around my waist. And from
there, together maybe we'll go on to hate each other and maybe become tag
champions. But you'll never get the intercontinental title away from me.
I've already broken your heart once, I'll do it twice in the title match,
and if you [Bleep]k around with me I'll do it a third time in the tag match.
See ya in Canada pal!
[Brad picks up another chair and whips it, and the camera cuts back to James
& Wood]
________________________
James: That man is PIIIIISSED off!
Wood: It's understandable, he thinks Kipper cost him the match.
James: That's another good match that's gonna have some heat behind it.
Kipper and Morris have been building tension-
Wood: TENSION? Morris hit Kipper over the head with a chair, Fa Christ's
Sakes!
James: Yeah whatever. I hear that we'll be hearing from Mack a little later.
But first, we have to take a commercial break.
__________________________
Voice: The UNWF stormed back onto the scene, with a new champion.
[A clip of Jack Vars, holding the Windy City Title above his head]
Voice: New faces.
[The camera shows clips of Perry Hernandez, Chris Davidson, and ES]
Voice: And they're taking the greatest group of wrestlers-
[A clip of Jack Vars, Larry Glow, and Mack Kipper, each holding their title
belts]
Voice: AND SENDING THEM TO CANADA!
DiffVoice: NO! NOT CANADA!
[The camera cuts to the same logo we've seen dozens of times on MNM (But
doesn't look good unless in .TXT mode ;-) with the Canadian flag. "Northwest
Terrortories" is written in the center of the leaf]
_________________________________
[The camera cuts to Sam Wroth, standing in a pair of blue jeans and a loose
black shirt. He stands in a bath room, as evidenced by the white tiling,
white porcelain toilet, and the same style sink]
Wroth: You know, showers bore me. I'm getting tired of taking them. That's
why I invented this product, shower and a movie. You see, you get a TV, and
put it right above the shower head. The you buy my product. It has a bar of
silky smooth soap, and a... well.. an "Adult" film. All you do, is take the
soap, the movie, and ENJOY!
[Sam smiles]
Wroth: Showering's never been this much fun!
_____________________________________
[The camera cuts back to the studio]
James: Didn't you buy that S&M thing once?
Wood: Oh man.. even though that was directed at me, I have to give you kudos
on that one. Damn, that was funny.
[Wood and James chuckle]
Wood: Well, for our next interview on the show, the newcomer "ES" will shoot
off his mouth a little.
________________________
[The Scene opens up as es reads his UNWF contract and sees already he has a
match.]
es: Oh boy! This is great! I cannot wait to tell granny that I have a big
time
wrasslin match up with little Scotty Storm! Oh yea Scotty...Granny thinks
you're real dreamy. And in a non-faggish way... so do I. Our match is
being billed as "The Newcomer( uh.. that's me by the way) Vs. The Veteran
Yep Scotty boy..that's you!)
It's gonna be a real thrill for Granny! I she'll get to see her "two"
favorite guys in the ring at once. I hope she cheers for me though,
considering I do give her Tuesday night sponge baths. Oh well.....
[ es' body shakes as his eyes rolls back into his head]
Well Scotty... Does my eyes deceive me or does it say here you're a
veteran?? Well you'll soon be acting like a veteran. I Veteran of MY war!
It'll be years down the friggin road your nurse maid will be pushing you
down
the magazine aisle at Wal-Mart. You'll look up and see me on every wrestling
mag there! You'll have THE FLASHBACK that every Veteran has after being
injured in a war.... That's right Franken Weenie.. it'll be from MY WAR!!!!
You'll be frothing at the mouth, kicking your paralyzed legs, yelling in
such horror all the children will walk by ..... "Mommy, Mommy...Look at that
man" Again, you'll be beaten down! And the saddest thing... I won't even be
there!
[The eyes of es flickers back and he takes a deep breath]
As I was saying Scotty boy. Granny thinks you're a fine young lad..but
Grandpa, well he thinks you're.......well..... goofy. But he hasn't taken
his
medication for about three weeks now. Well Scotty... I gotta go play
kickball with the crippled. See you Later! Buh-Bye!
__________________
[The camera clicks back to the arena]
James: Damn, that guy's weird.
Wood: I hate weirdoes.
James: So do I man. You try to wrestle them, and they start talking about
processed food and stuff like that...
[James shudders]
Wood: Well, it's time for the final interview of the night. This one comes
from Es' opponent, Scott Storm.
_________________________
[The camera begins to slowly fade in, to reveal a large convenient store.
The typical type, yellow brick walls with a big sign above the store,
reading "Convenient foods" above the dual glass doors in bright red. Sitting
just in front of the doors, across the curb, is Scott Storm. He wears a pear
of black jeans, and a ripped white shirt.]
Storm: 'Ay Aussie, you done yet?
[Storm stands up, and looks behind him. What he was blocking as he sat, was
the completely limp body of Aussie Roo, set in between the glass doors,
propping one of them open. He is completely still, not moving, with his eyes
closed. He is still wearing the white tights he wore to the ring on Tuesday]
Storm: Oh damn, you know Aussie, I leave you alone for two seconds...
[Storm walks towards Roo, and scoops him over his shoulders. Storm catches
the closing door, and enters. He approaches the cashier, who is obviously
originally from the Middle East. He wears a red vest, a white T-Shirt with
"God Bless Ame-," because the vest cuts the rest off, and a large white
turban.]
Storm: So, how much is a Powerball ticket?
Cashier(Eyeing Roo): Ticket ess two dollar.
Storm: Damn, all I gots is a buck.
Cashier: Would you like a slushy?
Storm: Nah, I'll just take all the Powerball tickets you have.
Cashier: Eekscuse me?
Storm: Give me your damn Powerball tickets or I'll break your head open!
Cashier: Try it and I'll rip your heart out and eat it.
[Storm swings the limp body of Roo and the cashier, who is hit with Roo's
head after it's arcing path. Storm reaches over the counter, presses a
button, and yellow lottery tickets begin spewing everywhere]
Storm: Powerball fever, huh?
[The camera fades to black......]
_______________________
1998 UNWF® Productions.
"Jammin" Alan James, "Start Up" Sean Wood and "Superior" Sam Wroth are
entirely fictional characters. Any likeness to real individuals, living or
dead, is probably meant. In which case, I'VE RIPPED YOU OFF!!! MWUHAHAHA!
Oops.. I mean.. sorry..