Gentleman's Guide to Central Regionals 2K9

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Apr 24, 2009, 8:25:32 AM4/24/09

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The Gentlemen are writing this as they recline on the plush Hermes
leather upholstered airplane seats of their private G5 jet, en route
to Northfield, MN. Sinatra's best wafts through the speakers; fine
crystal flutes of Cristal are near at hand, as are the bevy of buxom
stewardesses, quick with a smile and offering platters full of beluga
caviar!

As you are aware, ultimate does not lie completely out of the sphere
of the real world: the recession has also affected our humble little
game. Three months ago was a dire time for The Gentleman, as fortune
cast us near the brink of bankruptcy. The fall of a colossal ultimate
tradition like The Gentleman's Annual Central Regional Preview would
certainly bring chaos and panic to the ultimate economy, dooming the
entire financial structure of the game!

Thankfully, the UPA recognized this danger and swooped in with a 2.3
billion dollar bail-out, thereby averting disaster. Kudos to the UPA,
as the cash they've injected into our enterprise have allowed us to
transition our research methods (and lifestyles) into the 21st
century! Goodbye to the archaic rituals and guesswork of the past, say
hello to algorithms, iPhones and Twitter. With these powerful tools
at our disposal, The Gentleman are proud to present our most accurate
predictions yet. Cheers, bitches!

Round 1: KEY MATCH-UPS
#1 seed The Carleton College Cuts faces off against the French-
Canadians Beloit (Bell-wah) College. The Fur Traders keep it close in
the opening points, but at 3-2, they realize it's their first
regionals ever, and promptly shit their collective gonch. CUT wins
13-5.

The sideline will be stacked with Steven's Point alumni as they rest
their hopes upon the broad and brawny shoulders of one Thomas Rolgin.
Their guys in green face off against the Minnesota Grey Ducks who rest
their hopes on the slight and feminine shoulders of ex-Hodag Tim
Percy. Minnesota prevails 13-7.

In a surprise twist, RC Geo Beek announces that Hupkins High school
has taken the 15th seed away from UNI! The Hupkins Hurp have all been
taking AP college-level course throughout the year and thanks to their
wonder-team of lawyers (dads) have successfully petitioned their way
into college regionals! Ben Feldman refuses to play against his alma
mater, but somehow the Hodags pull out a squeaker 13-11.

Round 2: KEY MATCH-UPS
Wisconsin gets their mojo going against EC once they realize that
Robyn Fennig actually plays for the women's team. 6th year Hodag Jim
Gaynor hooks up with BFF Tom Annen's discs in the end-zone for
multiple scores, as Wisco Blodags win 13-6.

Expect a large crowd when Minnesota and Iowa face off, but expect that
the crowd will quickly disapate once they realize that Beastmaster is
no longer playing for the Grey Ducks. Despite a strong game from
Number7LutherisdoucheATgmail.com, Minnesota is victorious, 13-11.

Round 3: KEY MATCH-UPS

The Carleton CUTs meet their all-too familiar foes Minnesota in the
semis. Super-sophomores and Sub-buddies Grant Lindsey and Mike Arenson
battle it out while Sam Kanner and Chris Kosenard move the disc
efficiently for Carleton. Tim Percy's cutting gives CUT's D-line the
fits, but Christian Foster eventually fouls him into submission and
CUT end their day with a 13-10 win.

Wisco's Tom Annen marks up on Luther's Greg Sherbert in what will be
an exciting handler match up! Animal outflairs Sherbrit by quite a
bit, but Greg's anverts have been silly-sick all year. FOTY candidate
Eric Johnston gets a chance to shine, but Jon Foster goes big all
game, miraculously catching the swill that his n00b O-line handlers
put up. Wisco pulls it out 13-10.

FINALS
From our skybox seats, The Gentleman cuddle under our chinchilla fur
Snuggie while pulling from a 60 year old bottle of single malt
Macallan. The scene is set, and the expectations are high on the
Carleton sideline as they hope to reclaim the regional crown for the
first time since 2005. The Hodag seniors know if they lose, Kevin
Riley will never let them hear the end of it and are resolute in their
will to win. Back from the Holy Land, resident Hodag Rabbi Josy Kakoo
prays over his former team. The savvy Carleton captains contest the
disc flip and are awarded both possession and endzone decisions!
Wisco receives the disc as the crowded Carleton College stadium
thunders with CUT cheers. Darth Klane lazers a backhand to a
streaking Jim Foster but a Carleton defender snags the D and converts
the break. The two teams trade after that, with CUT taking half 8-6.

Halftime highlights:
- Matt Ellsworth channels the live webcast feed to Carleton's weight
room, where he's getting his swell on. Accidentally prolapses his
rectum.
- Ben Feldman finally realizes that Jim Gaynor's last name has the
word "gay" in it, chuckles to himself for five minutes.
- Jerome Potter shaves his beard into a Fu Manchu and is immediately
offered a job in the hobo porn industry.
- To get the Hodags jacked up, Muffin attempts first ever cock push-
up, breaks foot.

The first point out of half is intense as a revitalized Hodag D-line
increases the pressure. At a key moment, CUTboy Alex Evangelides
takes injury timeout after his balls actually recede into his stomach
while arguing a call. Hodag and med school student Matt "Young" Crumb
receives TMF after trying to fix Alex's balls, but the refzerver
ultimately overturns Alex's call and the Hodags get the break. Kanner
calls a milestone 5,000th foul on the mark, moving past Jacob
Goldstein on the all-time Carleton list. Not to be outdone, Ethan
Klane calls his 6,000th travel. With the game notched at 14s,
Wisconsin's Jon Jergens calls a time out to cuddle with his
girlfriend, but ALAS, Wisco is out of timeouts! It's CUT's disc! Chris
Kostnar picks up the disc and no scopes it to PBob ftw!

After Wisco beats Luther again, Minnesota and Iowa are pitted against
each other once more as they duke it out for the final bid to
nationals! Expect huge play after huge play as the Grey Ducks Arenson
Bros and Iowa's Tyler Glen light it up. At 13s, a helicopter is heard
in the distance! Looking to the skies, the crowd sees a wirly-bird
with the UPA logo emblazoned on the side. It lands on the field, and
out steps Will Deaver. "I have announcement to make! Due to the
current state of the economy, the UPA is sad to announce that the size
of nationals will be downsized to 12 teams. Unfortunately, the
central region will only get two bids." A collective groan rises from
spectator and player alike as Luther, Minnesota and Iowa fall to the
ground in tears. Deaver, jumping back into the helicopter as it rises
from the ground shouts "What, you actually thought some besides CUT
and Wisco would get to go to nationals?"

See you in Northfield!