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6 "Non-Lethal" Weapons That'll Make You Wish You Were Dead
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NSA TORTURE TECHNOLOGY, NEWS and RESEARCH
Nov 9, 2011, 5:06:20 PM11/9/11
to
http://www.cracked.com/article_16710_6-non-lethal-weapons-thatll-make-you-wish-you-were-dead.html
6 "Non-Lethal" Weapons That'll Make You Wish You Were Dead
By: Danny Harkins October 26, 2008 1,383,451 views
Read more: 6 "Non-Lethal" Weapons That'll Make You Wish You Were Dead | Cracked.com
http://www.cracked.com/article_16710_6-non-lethal-weapons-thatll-make-you-wish-you-were-dead.html#ixzz1dFRozBMq
So with the whole meltdown of the financial system, you're probably thinking about rioting
soon. But while you gather up your bottles and stones and get ready to face down The Man,
there's something you should know.
The riot police and military are both plunging into the future of crowd control, inventing
space-age weapons that won't kill you, but will make you wish they had. Such as...
#6.
The PHASR (aka Crowd-Blinding Rifle)
This futuristic weapon is being developed by the US military, who call it the Personal
Halting and Stimulation Response rifle. Why such a clumsy name? Because they wanted to
call it a PHASR. Get it! Like in Star Trek! How cute! There's no way this thing could turn
out to be horrifying!
They also call these weapons "dazzlers," proving for the second time in two paragraphs
that many weapons designers have never known the touch of a woman. It projects a laser and
is intended to "dazzle" and temporarily blind the target. It's kind of like one of those
annoying laser pointers crossed with the BFG from Doom.
Why It Won't Kill You:
According to the makers of the weapon, when used properly it doesn't, under any
circumstances, kill you or do any lasting damage. The beam temporarily blinds bad guys so
they can be arrested, or they can be set up as a perimeter defense to keep an attack at
bay.
Why You'll Wish it Had:
Ever went for a piss in the middle of the night, walked into the bathroom and turned on
the light? Hurts, huh? Well this thing is many hundreds of times more powerful, and
specially designed to project a wavelength that's most effective at short-circuiting your
eyeballs.
Not many other nations are developing this technology. Now, this could be because the US
military is far superior to those of the rest of the world. Or it could be that the 1995
Protocol on Blinding Laser Weapons banned lasers and the US military just couldn't give a
fuck about international weapons bans.
The ban came after concern from humanitarian groups, something about potential crowds of
blinded refugees wandering around in a war zone and slowly starving to death. So the PHASR
developers just turned own the power enough to skirt the ban.
The problem is that they still had to make it powerful enough that even the biggest badass
enemy soldier would still go running the opposite direction, screaming and clutching his
eyeballs, but that it somehow wouldn't do any damage to an innocent toddler's
still-developing retinas. Seems like kind of a fine line there, but we're sure they know
what they're doing.
#5.
The Active Denial System (aka Massive Pain Ray)
The Active Denial System (ADS) is a giant heat ray (or pain ray as it's informally and
less ambiguously known). The weapon fires electromagnetic radiation at the target causing
a painful burning sensation.
It can penetrate through layers of clothing, though apparently can't pass through thick
metal such as a trash can, so basically Oscar the Grouch should be fine but Big Bird is
fucked.
Why It Won't Kill You:
The military says the ray only causes the impression of burning (they say your hair won't
actually catch on fire, for instance). The ray just barely penetrates the skin, just
enough to make your nerve endings think you're on fire. To prove this, they often invite
people to stand in front of it.
Why You'll Wish it Had:
The military insists the weapon is safe because targets run away so quickly, and don't get
a whole lot of exposure. Likewise, concerns that it can melt your fucking eyes were
answered by pointing out how quickly people snap their eyes shut and turn away when
blasted with the beam. So, what if you can't run away? Like, say, you are wounded because
you're in a fucking war zone? We suppose you're going to lay there and feel like somebody
stuck you in a microwave oven.
Not to mention that all of the safety testing was conducted by the army. The same people
who want a green light given on the weapon's safety. So the testing procedure probably
went like this:
The Army: Is that weapon safe?
The Army: Yes.
The Army: Excellent.
That problem is all of the scenarios that don't come up in testing (for instance when cops
found out that tasers plus pepper spray equals fire). So the military will have a lot of
explaining to do when the ADS crosses streams with a PHASR up there and sends the victim
into another dimension.
#4.
The Laser Induced Plasma Channel (aka Invisible Pain Fence)
The Laser Induced Plasma Channel, or Portal Denial System, is the kind of electric
barrier/force field we've seen in sci-fi for decades. So, it can be set up in a corridor
to allow only authorized people to pass through it. Should unauthorized people pass
through it, well, let's just say they'll have an electrifying experience. They might get
quite a shock. They will suffer severe electric burns.
It's basically this:
Why It Won't Kill You:
The Plasma Channel delivers a non-lethal electric charge which means it won't kill you,
just as tasers won't kill you. They just make you thrash around and scream about
injustice. Besides, if you happen to see the below in a corridor and you don't stay the
fuck away from it, then you deserve everything you get. And what you'll get is 10,000
volts. Darwinism in action people.
Why You'll Wish it Had:
Ever stumble and fall into a wall? Did it hurt? Ever stumble and fall into an electric
fence? Did that hurt? Ever stumble and fall through an electric barrier leaving your body
caught between the electrified plasma channels, twitching in the high voltage current
while you scream out in pain at the Portal Denial System operator who can't hear you
because he's listening to baseball?
If not, then don't worry. The system is being developed for both "military and civilian
applications," so you'll have plenty of chances to find out.
#3.
Taser XREP (aka Electrified Shotgun Shells)
The problem with a Taser is that you've got to be pretty close to make it work, about 20
feet or so. A number of companies are racing to fix that problem, developing non-lethal
bullets that can hit you with rib-shattering force from a distance, and then deliver an
electric shock just to rub it in. Because you can never be to careful when it comes to
hippies and protesters.
Once again leading the charge is Taser International, the company you may remember from
such YouTube videos as Don't Tase Me Bro. They've developed their Taser XREP, a shotgun
round that hits you, sticks to your body, and delivers a 20-second shock while you writhe
on the ground.
Why It Won't Kill You:
It operates on the same principle as the supposedly-safe Taser (the XREP is basically just
a Taser that can be fired from a further distance and without the need for a connecting
wire). If used properly the Taser won't do any lasting damage (according to Taser
International and the police anyway. Human rights groups have a slightly different view).
Why You'll Wish it Had:
Fun fact: Tasers are named after Tom Swift, the adolescent adventurer from the Tom Swift
novels (it stands for "Thomas A. Swift Electric Rifle ), which is something you can think
on while you curl up in the fetus position, muscles convulsing and contracting
involuntarily, nerve endings screaming out in pain.
And that's assuming you're capable of thought after being hit by an electric bullet, you
may just be instinctively clutching at the electrode darts impaled in your lower back but
which you can't quite reach because a cop's knee is on your arm and his foot's in your
face.
r, maybe you can console yourself with the fact that it didn't hit you in the eye.
#2.
The Pulsed Energy Projectile (aka Magic Missile)
The Pulsed Energy Projectile (PEP) used to be called the Pulsed Impulsive Kill Laser,
before they toned it down for PR reasons (and because the acronym is basically "pickle").
It's mounted on a truck, plane or helicopter and fires an invisible laser pulse at a
target.
On impact the pulse creates exploding plasma, which is exactly as painful as it sounds.
It's like having five flash grenades strapped to your head and then exploded at once.
Why It Won't Kill You:
The PEP sounds like it should kill you, what with the whole "expanding ball of plasma"
thing. Also, according to a Department of Defense document, it can "literally chew through
target material."
However, while the weapon can be modified to kill people, the developed version won't,
assuming it's used responsibly. And there is, of course, no reason at all to assume
soldiers in a war zone or police officers in the middle of a violent riot would ever use
it any other way. Ever.
Why You'll Wish it Had:
A document obtained by an anti- biological weapons pressure group revealed that the
weapons contract between the Office of Naval Research and the University of Florida (who
apparently develop weapons now) called for researchers to find the "optimal pulse
parameters to evoke peak nociceptor activation" or, in other words, the best way to
inflict absolute maximum ball-crushing pain on a target's nervous system.
The expanding plasma created by the PEP triggers nerve cells and can create unpleasant
stimuli, such as heat or cold. A fine tuned PEP could create the sensations of being
burned, frozen or dipped in acid- all without causing any actual visible harm.
All this is on top of the fact that a 2003 US Naval Studies Board found the PEP produced
temporary paralysis as well as pain. Or perhaps that's just the body trying to figure out
what the fuck has just happened to it.
#1.
The Vortex Ring Gun (aka The Fart Gun)
The vortex ring gun works by creating a cone-shaped pocket of supersonic pressurized air.
When this hits the target (Read: hippie) it should knock him over.
Wait, that's not the best part.
A chemical, like an incapacitating agent or a malodorant (a bad, choking smell) is also
injected into the air pocket. So it's basically a powerful, bad smelling wind that will
knock you of your feet. Yes, it's like having Robocop fart you over.
Why It Won't Kill You:
In demonstrations the weapon has knocked down a 160-pound mannequin from a distance of 10
meters, and is believed to be effective from up to twice that range. Getting knocked over
isn't going to kill anybody, right? Not unless you're standing on the edge of a building.
And what's so bad about a little stench on the side?
Why You'll Wish it Had:
Malodorants are actually pretty freaking awful. It isn't just a bad smell, it's a chemical
weapon that induces nausea, gagging and vomiting. It's also possible that Malodorant's
violate current chemical weapons bans with many believing that "Malodorant's do have a
physiological effect and toxicity is not limited to lethality."
We're not sure what that means exactly, but you should probably stay away from anything
that has a "physiological effect" and "toxicity", regardless of what it's "limited to."
6 "Non-Lethal" Weapons That'll Make You Wish You Were Dead
By: Danny Harkins October 26, 2008 1,383,451 views
Read more: 6 "Non-Lethal" Weapons That'll Make You Wish You Were Dead | Cracked.com
http://www.cracked.com/article_16710_6-non-lethal-weapons-thatll-make-you-wish-you-were-dead.html#ixzz1dFRozBMq
So with the whole meltdown of the financial system, you're probably thinking about rioting
soon. But while you gather up your bottles and stones and get ready to face down The Man,
there's something you should know.
The riot police and military are both plunging into the future of crowd control, inventing
space-age weapons that won't kill you, but will make you wish they had. Such as...
#6.
The PHASR (aka Crowd-Blinding Rifle)
This futuristic weapon is being developed by the US military, who call it the Personal
Halting and Stimulation Response rifle. Why such a clumsy name? Because they wanted to
call it a PHASR. Get it! Like in Star Trek! How cute! There's no way this thing could turn
out to be horrifying!
They also call these weapons "dazzlers," proving for the second time in two paragraphs
that many weapons designers have never known the touch of a woman. It projects a laser and
is intended to "dazzle" and temporarily blind the target. It's kind of like one of those
annoying laser pointers crossed with the BFG from Doom.
Why It Won't Kill You:
According to the makers of the weapon, when used properly it doesn't, under any
circumstances, kill you or do any lasting damage. The beam temporarily blinds bad guys so
they can be arrested, or they can be set up as a perimeter defense to keep an attack at
bay.
Why You'll Wish it Had:
Ever went for a piss in the middle of the night, walked into the bathroom and turned on
the light? Hurts, huh? Well this thing is many hundreds of times more powerful, and
specially designed to project a wavelength that's most effective at short-circuiting your
eyeballs.
Not many other nations are developing this technology. Now, this could be because the US
military is far superior to those of the rest of the world. Or it could be that the 1995
Protocol on Blinding Laser Weapons banned lasers and the US military just couldn't give a
fuck about international weapons bans.
The ban came after concern from humanitarian groups, something about potential crowds of
blinded refugees wandering around in a war zone and slowly starving to death. So the PHASR
developers just turned own the power enough to skirt the ban.
The problem is that they still had to make it powerful enough that even the biggest badass
enemy soldier would still go running the opposite direction, screaming and clutching his
eyeballs, but that it somehow wouldn't do any damage to an innocent toddler's
still-developing retinas. Seems like kind of a fine line there, but we're sure they know
what they're doing.
#5.
The Active Denial System (aka Massive Pain Ray)
The Active Denial System (ADS) is a giant heat ray (or pain ray as it's informally and
less ambiguously known). The weapon fires electromagnetic radiation at the target causing
a painful burning sensation.
It can penetrate through layers of clothing, though apparently can't pass through thick
metal such as a trash can, so basically Oscar the Grouch should be fine but Big Bird is
fucked.
Why It Won't Kill You:
The military says the ray only causes the impression of burning (they say your hair won't
actually catch on fire, for instance). The ray just barely penetrates the skin, just
enough to make your nerve endings think you're on fire. To prove this, they often invite
people to stand in front of it.
Why You'll Wish it Had:
The military insists the weapon is safe because targets run away so quickly, and don't get
a whole lot of exposure. Likewise, concerns that it can melt your fucking eyes were
answered by pointing out how quickly people snap their eyes shut and turn away when
blasted with the beam. So, what if you can't run away? Like, say, you are wounded because
you're in a fucking war zone? We suppose you're going to lay there and feel like somebody
stuck you in a microwave oven.
Not to mention that all of the safety testing was conducted by the army. The same people
who want a green light given on the weapon's safety. So the testing procedure probably
went like this:
The Army: Is that weapon safe?
The Army: Yes.
The Army: Excellent.
That problem is all of the scenarios that don't come up in testing (for instance when cops
found out that tasers plus pepper spray equals fire). So the military will have a lot of
explaining to do when the ADS crosses streams with a PHASR up there and sends the victim
into another dimension.
#4.
The Laser Induced Plasma Channel (aka Invisible Pain Fence)
The Laser Induced Plasma Channel, or Portal Denial System, is the kind of electric
barrier/force field we've seen in sci-fi for decades. So, it can be set up in a corridor
to allow only authorized people to pass through it. Should unauthorized people pass
through it, well, let's just say they'll have an electrifying experience. They might get
quite a shock. They will suffer severe electric burns.
It's basically this:
Why It Won't Kill You:
The Plasma Channel delivers a non-lethal electric charge which means it won't kill you,
just as tasers won't kill you. They just make you thrash around and scream about
injustice. Besides, if you happen to see the below in a corridor and you don't stay the
fuck away from it, then you deserve everything you get. And what you'll get is 10,000
volts. Darwinism in action people.
Why You'll Wish it Had:
Ever stumble and fall into a wall? Did it hurt? Ever stumble and fall into an electric
fence? Did that hurt? Ever stumble and fall through an electric barrier leaving your body
caught between the electrified plasma channels, twitching in the high voltage current
while you scream out in pain at the Portal Denial System operator who can't hear you
because he's listening to baseball?
If not, then don't worry. The system is being developed for both "military and civilian
applications," so you'll have plenty of chances to find out.
#3.
Taser XREP (aka Electrified Shotgun Shells)
The problem with a Taser is that you've got to be pretty close to make it work, about 20
feet or so. A number of companies are racing to fix that problem, developing non-lethal
bullets that can hit you with rib-shattering force from a distance, and then deliver an
electric shock just to rub it in. Because you can never be to careful when it comes to
hippies and protesters.
Once again leading the charge is Taser International, the company you may remember from
such YouTube videos as Don't Tase Me Bro. They've developed their Taser XREP, a shotgun
round that hits you, sticks to your body, and delivers a 20-second shock while you writhe
on the ground.
Why It Won't Kill You:
It operates on the same principle as the supposedly-safe Taser (the XREP is basically just
a Taser that can be fired from a further distance and without the need for a connecting
wire). If used properly the Taser won't do any lasting damage (according to Taser
International and the police anyway. Human rights groups have a slightly different view).
Why You'll Wish it Had:
Fun fact: Tasers are named after Tom Swift, the adolescent adventurer from the Tom Swift
novels (it stands for "Thomas A. Swift Electric Rifle ), which is something you can think
on while you curl up in the fetus position, muscles convulsing and contracting
involuntarily, nerve endings screaming out in pain.
And that's assuming you're capable of thought after being hit by an electric bullet, you
may just be instinctively clutching at the electrode darts impaled in your lower back but
which you can't quite reach because a cop's knee is on your arm and his foot's in your
face.
r, maybe you can console yourself with the fact that it didn't hit you in the eye.
#2.
The Pulsed Energy Projectile (aka Magic Missile)
The Pulsed Energy Projectile (PEP) used to be called the Pulsed Impulsive Kill Laser,
before they toned it down for PR reasons (and because the acronym is basically "pickle").
It's mounted on a truck, plane or helicopter and fires an invisible laser pulse at a
target.
On impact the pulse creates exploding plasma, which is exactly as painful as it sounds.
It's like having five flash grenades strapped to your head and then exploded at once.
Why It Won't Kill You:
The PEP sounds like it should kill you, what with the whole "expanding ball of plasma"
thing. Also, according to a Department of Defense document, it can "literally chew through
target material."
However, while the weapon can be modified to kill people, the developed version won't,
assuming it's used responsibly. And there is, of course, no reason at all to assume
soldiers in a war zone or police officers in the middle of a violent riot would ever use
it any other way. Ever.
Why You'll Wish it Had:
A document obtained by an anti- biological weapons pressure group revealed that the
weapons contract between the Office of Naval Research and the University of Florida (who
apparently develop weapons now) called for researchers to find the "optimal pulse
parameters to evoke peak nociceptor activation" or, in other words, the best way to
inflict absolute maximum ball-crushing pain on a target's nervous system.
The expanding plasma created by the PEP triggers nerve cells and can create unpleasant
stimuli, such as heat or cold. A fine tuned PEP could create the sensations of being
burned, frozen or dipped in acid- all without causing any actual visible harm.
All this is on top of the fact that a 2003 US Naval Studies Board found the PEP produced
temporary paralysis as well as pain. Or perhaps that's just the body trying to figure out
what the fuck has just happened to it.
#1.
The Vortex Ring Gun (aka The Fart Gun)
The vortex ring gun works by creating a cone-shaped pocket of supersonic pressurized air.
When this hits the target (Read: hippie) it should knock him over.
Wait, that's not the best part.
A chemical, like an incapacitating agent or a malodorant (a bad, choking smell) is also
injected into the air pocket. So it's basically a powerful, bad smelling wind that will
knock you of your feet. Yes, it's like having Robocop fart you over.
Why It Won't Kill You:
In demonstrations the weapon has knocked down a 160-pound mannequin from a distance of 10
meters, and is believed to be effective from up to twice that range. Getting knocked over
isn't going to kill anybody, right? Not unless you're standing on the edge of a building.
And what's so bad about a little stench on the side?
Why You'll Wish it Had:
Malodorants are actually pretty freaking awful. It isn't just a bad smell, it's a chemical
weapon that induces nausea, gagging and vomiting. It's also possible that Malodorant's
violate current chemical weapons bans with many believing that "Malodorant's do have a
physiological effect and toxicity is not limited to lethality."
We're not sure what that means exactly, but you should probably stay away from anything
that has a "physiological effect" and "toxicity", regardless of what it's "limited to."
walt tonne
Nov 9, 2011, 6:54:50 PM11/9/11
to
Bullshit promoted by contractors. Sell it to bleeding heart types.
Stay with nightsticks and #9 buckshot! Cheap and it works.
Stay with nightsticks and #9 buckshot! Cheap and it works.
max.it
Nov 9, 2011, 7:45:38 PM11/9/11
to
runs out. All is left, is hysteria,anarchy and chaos.
I love a happy ending.
max.it
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