CRaptor CRap '96 (Out through the Out Door)
Jeff Joseph
Yes, rev it up again REAL basketball fans! Time for another summertime
edition of:
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And are you all THAT surprised?
"Murray - 2nd resident Torontopologist Wet Dream to you know who - is
probably going to ask for a *very substantial* pay hike and a minimum
3-year deal to stick around." - CC's "La Draft Lottery" Issue, May 27.
"Clearly, if the team intends to select Camby or Rahim, Murray's playing
time would be in jeopardy since both would have to begin their careers
at the 3. Both are 4 times the player Murray will ever be (and that's a
very CONSERVATIVE estimate) but bet your bottom dollar that
Torontopologists would suddenly kick dirt at their #2 poster child" -
same issue.
"...there's at least an 80 percent chance that three-fourth's of that
"nucleus" won't be donning the Barney uniform come October." - CC reacts
to Marcus Camby's statement about being impressed being on the same team
as LORD KING MASTER RULER OF THE UNIVERSE, The Difference #2, Tracy
Murray, and Oliver Miller - June 26.
"CC: (1) He earned $950K, the season before he came to Toronto, and
that was as a bench player;
(2) Because his positives translate well even as a bench player, a
plethora of teams will gladly pay him more than that and will have ample
cap space to do it.
Anon: Okay, name me 3, other than Vancouver . . .
CC: Detroit if they lose Allan Houston (actually, even if they retain
him). Philadelphia (that has to build an entire *bench* given that they
only now have 6 players under contract including, inevitably, Iverson.)
New Jersey. Boston now that they have McDaniel's $1.6 million slot back.
Miami if the Wizards retain Howard. The Wizards if Howard goes. That's
six."
- excerpt from an e-mail exchange between CC and a reader
that I shall leave anonymous unless he/she wishes to
publicly disclose his/her participation in this. Note,
in particular, the finale.
* We, the Torontopologists, gather here today in deep sorrow and
mourning. For that evil bastard at CRaptor CRap DARED to forsee the
truth again and, as usual, it came to bite us square on our collective
asses. Our #2 wet dream, Tracy Murray, has left our mighty flock to the
Nation's Capital. Even worse, he had to do it in every manner that CC
predicted. CC said he would want more than $2 million a season. He got
it. We told him Murray was loyal to Toronto and would probably sign for
no more than $1.2 million here because, gosh shucks, he just loves us
so.
Bah, forget it. Torontopologists look for too much pity. CC here. Well,
they just wouldn't face the reality would they? They didn't see the
signs. Firing his agent near the end of the season and replacing him
with Arn Tellem (most recent claim to fame being the agent that rejected
a 5-year $43 million offer from the Cleveland Indians for client Albert
Belle that would have made Belle far and away the highest paid player in
the game.) The rumblings that other suitors would come forth. The
drafting of Camby. Nope. They just dreamed it so it must be so.
* Leave it to the PR flunkies to go into overdrive right away. Both
major sports pages (Star, Sun) had writers suddenly saying that the team
suddenly had a strong interest in re-signing Oliver Miller (news
courtesy of CC: Ain't Gonna Happen), the evil cad whom they were too
woeful in their research to realize that he was eligible to declare
himself a free agent at the end of the season. Ironically, the Star's
writer, Mary Ormsby, covers women's sports issues for the paper and, as
far as CC can remember, has only written about two or three columns
related to the NBA in the last year or so. But the coup de grace is
something only true basketball fans (ie. CRaptor CRap readers without an
axe to grind) can appreciate - allegations that the Grizzlies and the
NBA were "depriving" the CRaptors and, as a result, forced them out of
the hunt. Must have been a brain cramp because, 'lo and behold, there
was Murray himself telling reporters that he pretty much had no choice
but to accept the Wizards offer because *Toronto never even contacted
him* in spite of the fact that he was in town for weeks and even
participated in a couple of local CRaptors-sponsored events. CC's editor
literally burst a kidney putting on the morning radio and listen to The
Fan's Steve Simmons (who also doubles as a lousy excuse for a Toronto
Sun sportswriter) go into a crying fit about how the Grizzlies decline
of Toronto's request to the NBA (which, by the way, never existed except
to The Sun) to apply an exemption to allow the expansion teams to
disregard the cap with respect to their free agents finishing one-year
contracts and the NBA's imposition of the cap space limitation to the
expansion clubs cooked Toronto's goose when it came to retaining Murray.
This is the same journalist (although The Star's usual writers, Chris
Young and Michael Clarkson also should get notice here) who, up until
the Wizards announcement, was completely convinced that Murray was
signing with Toronto at a bargain rate again. Except Torontopologists to
be re-iterating that angle ad nauseum. CC readers are best advised to
laugh at them for their silliness.
* So you will not be fooled by the drivel, CC will tell you what is
going to happen with the other two free agents:
Oliver Miller - the evil one (how DARE he declare himself a free agent -
Torontopologists motto) is NOT coming back to Toronto either. Given the
value of the Mutumbo and Mourning signings, the Olajuwon extension, and
the forthcoming pact between Orlando and Shaq, Miller is the best center
available and should be able to command a minimum of $4 million a season
over at least five years. Torontopologists are still convinced that
he'll come begging back at no more than the $2.8 million he would have
received had he not pursued free agency. Toronto HAS NO MONEY for this
kind of investment. CC expects Miller to probably sign with a Western
Conference team (Denver, Sacramento, and the Clippers are three probable
targets although the Brian Williams situation may alter this prediction
a little) although if they buy into this big weight-loss program he is
supposedly on (CC hears feelers that he is actually under 300 pounds
lately), ex-exployers Pheonix or Detroit may suddenly come back.
Alvin Robertson - he's coming to Toronto.....for his assault trial on
August 1st. Recently arrested in Texas again, his chances of getting
visa entry into Canada on a regular basis is probably just about shot by
now. Good player. A shame he can't get his personal life in order.
Nonetheless, expect to still see some Torontopologists expecting his
return in a Barney uniform.
* A CC Congrats is extended to a recent FAN 590 caller who referred to
Air Canada Center (now they say the shovel will be in the ground about
September 15. Yah. Sure) as "Phantom Arena". CC thinks the name fits
well here.
* While Torontopologists still refer to this magic money tree that the
CRaptors ownership has, word comes that the team has an interest in
playing four home games this year at Maple Leaf Gardens. The funny part
comes in the team's reason - lower rent. Reason this is funny? Well,
the, we suppose, exhorbitantly expensive ComaDome, since 1993, has been
10 percent owned by.......the Bitove family - owners of a 40 percent
stake in the CRaptors. If they ever do play there (they won't. Gardens
owners Steve Stavro and, now, Larry Tannenbaum - he of the ownership
group that *deserved* the Toronto NBA team since he did all the
groundwork that led the league to even LOOK at the city - won't let them
in without a WHOPPING rent charge), what few fans the team will have
left are advised to bring their own portable air conditioners or pray
the team knows how to predict when major cold snaps are coming. See, the
Gardens isn't air conditioned. When the Leafs play, that isn't much of
problem. But shut off the cold pipes (used for keeping the ice cool),
add banks of hot colored lights and, well, you get the picture. Watching
the chicanery that this team engages in regarding finances makes one
want to whistle a certain Steve Miller tune. I think we might do that
now --------- "Go onnnnn, Take the Money and Run....."
* Cheap, useful advice to Isiah Thomas if he is reading: uh, Zeke. The
Difference #1 is available. And you can probably get him at a pretty
reasonable price. Not that CC is *advocating* anything [rolls his eyes
and strolls into the sunset.......]
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Jeff Joseph Live from the Centre of the
e-mail:jjo...@interlog.com Universe (or so they claim.)
"I've been in funeral homes that are noisier than SkyDome" -
Jim Hunt
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