ISU Press Conference Transcript
Louis Epstein
LAUSANNE,Switzerland,April 1,2003(ApFP)--the following is a transcript
of the press conference held today by ISU General Secretary Charles
Newman,concerning the reorganization announced one year ago.
Newman arrived holding a large stack of folded shopping bags,looked both
ways,and stuck them out of sight behind the lectern.
NEWMAN:Now,I've called you together to discuss our imminent move to
Ayers Rock,Tasmania.You'll recall that our last press conference
was cut short when some impertinent reporter shouted out that
Ayers Rock wasn't IN Tasmania.Probably one of those foolish
people who calls me "Chuckie".Well,I've got news for you all:
here's a beautiful tourist picture of Ayers Rock,TASMANIA!
Towering over the capital city of Hobart!
[A visual image flashed on the screen behind the lectern].
REPORTER:Uh,looks pretty interesting...
NEWMAN:Thanks,you like it?Did it in Photoshop...
REPORTER:I mean,with Ayers Rock in bright sunshine and Hobart lit up
at night...
NEWMAN(glowering):Never mind.This brings me to the guests I've invited.
They come from the MOST respected e-zine that provides the FINEST
q coverage of figure skating...a publication I must stress I have
absolutely NOTHING to do with,they have never even HEARD of me.
REPORTER:Before we get into that,could we have your reaction to the
World Skating Federation rivalling your group?Aren't you afraid
that the rule changes you and Miss Lipinski announced last year
will jeopardize...
NEWMAN:Oh,we bought that already.Their President,Ronald Penning of
GERMANY,I know less reputable journals get that wrong and stick
an F in his name,was most accomodating.The agreement was
countersigned Jon Nix and Cathy Cayce of CANADA,,who are his
Vice Presidents and won three Olympic Gold Medals skating for
Bermuda...
REPORTERS(confused):Uh,that's not...
NEWMAN:NEVER MIND!...As I said,my guests can teach you ALL a lesson about
figure skating journalism,so I'll take a hike...really I will...
there's a trapdoor under my feet here...and let them have the
floor.
He dived behind the lectern,and paper rustling was heard.
Then up popped a figure wearing the same clothes and a mask
made from a shopping bag,eyes and mouth cut out under the name
JOE GUNCHEY.
"GUNCHEY":Hullo mates,I'm Joe Gunchey from Hatchet Job!
I'd just like to say that this new management's really good
for the ISU,getting all the nationalities and spellings straight
for the first time...
REPORTER:Rather inconsistent accent you have there...started pretty
strong,but...
"GUNCHEY"(defensively):Well,I AM an American-Australian dual-national!
REPORTER:But still...
"GUNCHEY" grumbled something about hurt feelings.
He dived behind the lectern,and paper rustling was heard.
Then up popped a figure wearing the same clothes and a mask
made from a shopping bag,eyes and mouth cut out under the name
NICK NITRO.
"NITRO":Now you lads lay off my mate Joe!
I'd like to make clear that Chuck...I mean Mr. Newman...
has nothing to do with us Australian Anonymous Commentators,
whose identities are COMPLETELY secure...I mean,we have
never even met him,any of us...
REPORTER:Even though he invited you here and you're using the same...
uh...trap door?
"NITRO" grumbled something inaudible.
He dived behind the lectern,and paper rustling was heard.
Then up popped a figure wearing the same clothes and a mask
made from a shopping bag,eyes and mouth cut out under the name
EL ORGULLOSO MEXICANO.
"ORGULLOSO":Buenos Dias!...I am El Orgulloso Mexicano,member of the
worldwide network of Hatchet Job correspondents,first to
bring you news of champions like Cristina Morelia Yamaguchi
and Michelina Reynosa Quan!
REPORTER:Anyone ever tell you you sound just like Chuckie putting
on a Hollywood Mexican accent?
"ORGULLOSO":Senor,I am insulted!
"ORGULLOSO" grumbled something about hurt feelings.
He dived behind the lectern,and paper rustling was heard.
Then up popped a figure wearing the same clothes and a mask
made from a shopping bag,eyes and mouth cut out under the name
HONG KONG FOOEY.
"FOOEY"(Australian accent):Now stop that, there,mates,I'm
Australian Bushman,and I want you to...
REPORTER:Then how come your mask says Hong Kong Fooey?
NEWMAN(removing Hong Kong Fooey mask):I just LOOK like Chuckie!
(looking at mask)Ooops...(puts mask on)
"FOOEY"(Hollywood Chinese accent):Velly solly,honnolaber gentermen!
Did you know that NO Chinese skater has EVER won a medal...
REPORTER:WRONG!
"FOOEY" grumbled something about hurt feelings.
He dived behind the lectern,and paper rustling was heard.
Then up popped a figure wearing the same clothes and a mask
made from a shopping bag,eyes and mouth cut out under the name
FEARLESS FREEP.
"FREEP":Let's have some respect here!I'm Tennesee Tuxedo...
REPORTERS:But your mask says...
"FREEP" grumbled something inaudible.
He dived behind the lectern,and paper rustling was heard.
Then up popped a figure wearing the same clothes and a mask
made from a shopping bag,eyes and mouth cut out under the name
TENNESSEE TUXEDO.
"TUXEDO":OK,NOW I'm Tennessee Tuxedo...I actually don't know
Mr. Freep,he's from our Kuala Lumpur bureau...
REPORTERS:But your mask says...
NEWMAN(removing Tennessee Tuxedo mask):But I'm sure this one's...
(looking)Hey!!!
REPORTERS:GOTCHA!
NEWMAN:Do you think this is just an April Fool's joke?!
-=-=-
The World Trade Center towers MUST rise again,
at least as tall as before...or terror has triumphed.