TR: Family Funway, The Most Evil Place on Urth
RunawayMT
This evening I had the great misfortune of visiting Family Funway in
Burnsville, Minnesota with my girlfriend Susan, Tina Curtis, and Tina's friend
Jay.
This is a park..... this is a park....
<user takes a drink of water and tries to collect himself>
Sorry folks...... this is a park that is....... EVIL. It's awful, the most
awful place I've ever visited. Worst of all, it's geared toward children. I
can't even describe just how scary this place is!
First of all you walk in and the place is deserted. The first thing you see is
a rusted water slide called Rampage. There is a *trickle* of water running
down the slide and the whole thing looks like it's about to tumble over should
anyone over 20 lbs. actually make their way to the top.
Located directly below this water slide is a trash can. This trash can has a
clown's head for a receptacle and you put your trash in the clown's mouth.
This clown does not look like the happy sort of clown that entertain children.
This looks more like Shakes the Clown.
Next you walk past a row of small, dirty quarter kiddy rides - the kind you
might see at a grocery store. Only these kiddie rides look like rejects - cars
with square wheels, that sort of thing.
Then you come upon the "scenes." Row after row of the most STUPID,
disgustingly violent scenes you'd ever see! You put a quarter in one of them -
the scene is a doctor operating on a patient. Once the quarter is inserted the
nurse begins to hit the patient over the head with a mallet while the doctor
stabs at the patient's heart! Blood is squirted all over the walls and floor.
A few feet away there is another scene of a magician sawing a woman in half.
You deposit your quarter and the magician begins sawing away while the woman
begins kicking her feet and screaming. Once again blood is everywhere.
There are rows upon rows of this stuff!
The pop machines all have handwritten labels describing the pop, and they are
covered with layer upon layer upon layer of scotch tape. Every single pop
machine in the park is like this. I didn't bother to check if the machines
were even turned on.
There is an extremely old paratrooper with all but two of its lights missing.
There is a ferris wheel. The ferris wheel is the scariest looking thing I've
ever seen - most of the cars are missing, in fact there were only six cars
remaining on the whole ride. It's the only ferris wheel I've ever seen running
with missing cars!
There is a homemade tea cup ride that has a painted garbage can in the center
of the ride. The garbage can is there to hold up the crown that has all of its
lights missing.
The park also has an ancient Rock-o-Plane. There are also these cages......
I've never seen anything like it before but I sure wouldn't get in them! They
are *somewhat* like a Round Up in that you get inside the cages and you flip
upside down. But these things look like a straight row of batting cages. You
get locked in the ride goes around and around flipping you upside down. It
looks extremely unsafe and I told Tina I couldn't imagine *anyone* being brave
enough to ride it!
At this point a large, leather skinned, unwashed and unshaven carney type began
following us around. There were no ride ops manning the individual rides.
The park had only two ops who would run back and forth operating every ride.
And when there was no one to ride they would simply follow you and let you know
they were watching. Tina later pointed out the trailers in the back of the
park where they live. <user shudders>
An empty fun house called "Castle". Some sort of "elevator." A rocket ride
that looked like a painted white box that you sit in while it shakes. A wax
museum (you don't even want to know). Animals in cages - I saw chickens, a
dog, a pig, and something I didn't look at long enough to identify, I just
wanted to get the hell out of there!
There was a concession stand with the window half open and no one inside - only
a black and white TV running for no one.
Individual quarter-operated rides for children dominate the park. But these
rides.... they all look like rejects, like bad ideas that never got past the
prototype stage. There was a robot in one corner that spoke sporadically in a
very low voice "FEED ME NOW." There was also a kiddie ferris wheel that I
personally would love to put in my backyard - but I wouldn't put my children in
it! There were other kiddie cars and kiddie rides that the other carney
attended to while combining his cigarette breaks.
We walked in the "arcade." The four or five games featured were.....from
another time. One said "Making a Better Urth." There were two dusty,
extremely old skee-ball machines. Then we looked at the prizes - they were
displayed in dusty old glass jars and I expected to see somebody's pickled
brains at that point. As we walked out a grizzled, mannish looking woman
behind the counter barked out "THANKS FOR STOPPIN."
Then we saw it. It was a home made quarter vending machine. A robot/monkey is
nervously poking a broken stick on a rotating platform. On the platform are
plastic vials containing "prizes." You drop your quarter in the machine, press
the button and the monkey takes his stick and swats at one of the prizes - if
it drops in the hole you "win" the "prize."
Now for the prizes. One was an OPENED switchblade. Another was a pocket
knife. Another was a marijuana leaf key chain. The last one was a silver
skeleton of a hand.
We left the park empty-handed.
I could go on and on about the things I saw at this park. Every ride looked
*beyond* broken and abandoned, yet they were still operational, if that's what
you want to call it. The whole tone of the park is just evil. Every single
thing in this place looks scary! I can't IMAGINE taking my child there!
Have any of you ever had the pleasure of visiting this American gem? If not, I
urge all of you to stop by and pay this place a visit - it's something you'll
never forget!!!
Mark-
who won't sleep well tonight so he might as well share this experience with you
Today for you, tomorrow for me
RunawayMT
SteelForce
>Have any of you ever had the pleasure of visiting this American gem? If not,
>I
>urge all of you to stop by and pay this place a visit - it's something you'll
>never forget!!!
My goodness! this sounds more like the set for a horror movie than a "park" I
was surprised that some place like this existed, but then again, this sounds
like my last memory of Edgewater Park near Detroit.
SAM
Dave Sandborg
mentioning it to us?
--
Dave Sandborg
Remove Spam-away to respond via e-mail.
David Bowers
That park sound like it is worth a visit (if you are in the area)
to see if it is really that BAD! I hope it is a free admission
pay-per-ride deal. Since 'FREE' is about all it sounds worth, and I would
not plan on riding them rides. (Although the 'Swing Cages" that flip you
upside down sound like they would be worth a try) Just make sure my
insurace premiums are paid up. Although with my admitted sick sense of
humor, those quarter animations sound fun. (User has been in the Serial
Killer Wax Musuem before>. Bet that fun house and wax musuem are gory
too. (user 's demented side perks up). Put that in my 'if i'm ever in the
area' file.
Gee, Todd, someone out LongWorld'ed LongWorld
----
"Having fun on the coaster, Harry? Ride it again!"
David Bowers
Mayor, Coasterville
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BikerBuck
Man!
I used to love Coney for its seedyness, but this place sounds like it tops even
Coney!
Can I have directions, please?
/B
MajAi...@aol.com
World"! Not to mention *any* park Scooby Doo ever visited (he really would've
earned his Scooby Snacks at this place!).
Thanks for the highly entertaining post. It's just remarkable how bad
*every* attraction sounds! Sounds like a must-see on the basis of those
"scenes" alone.
But I couldn't imagine taking my child either!
MajAirtime
In article <19980921015205...@ng102.aol.com>,
-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
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FlyerACE1
>From: sand...@Spam-away.ix.netcom.com (Dave Sandborg)
>Did LongWorld open up a branch operation in Minnesota without Todd
>mentioning it to us?
OH MY GOD!!! I am laughing so hard right now that I can't control myself!!!
ROTFLOLPIMP (PIMP= pissing in my pants). Mark, I am so sorry that you had such
an aweful time but it really was rather humorous (actually VERY humorous). The
entire time I'm reading it I'm thinking to myself LONGWORLD then Dave posts
this and I literally fell on the floor screaming laughing.
I have this mental picture of Mark telling this horrible story to Todd
expecting a concerned expression when all of the sudden he just bursts out
laughting. It's like a Phall Phunfest moment digitally recreated here on RRC.
I am just dying to visit this place now!! If I'm ever in that neck of the woods
I'm taking a pit stop (if I could keep a straight face for a second at that
place).
Sorry to hear of this experience but you have to admit, it came out so funny.
Live to Ride,
Adam Revesz
Fred
Maybe you should call your local CBS affiliate and turn this place over
to Lesley Stahl.
Unreal city!
And this place is in Minnesota, huh?
Nightmare Family Funspot, indeed.
Eeeek.
FRED of LA
who believes that Mark is NOT in Kansas, anymore.
Joe Schwartz
> This evening I had the great misfortune of visiting Family Funway in
> Burnsville, Minnesota with my girlfriend Susan, Tina Curtis, and Tina's friend
> Jay.
[scary description omitted]
> Have any of you ever had the pleasure of visiting this American gem? If not, I
> urge all of you to stop by and pay this place a visit - it's something you'll
> never forget!!!
I visited this place with Tina a couple years ago. All I remember is those
*really* sad-looking animals in those tiny cages.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe Schwartz (j...@joyrides.com) -- 5 Broadway #407, Troy, NY 12180
Come visit the Joyrides website (http://www.joyrides.com),
a photo gallery celebrating the joy and beauty of amusement rides!
Locoboy
EGADS! Thank god I have such a wonderful sea side park a short 30
minute drive from me called Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. That place you
described sounds spookier than any horror movie or Haunted Mansion
combined! (I imagine it would be great on Halloween though -
unintentionally great!)
Greg VG
RunawayMT <runa...@aol.com> wrote in article
<19980921015205...@ng102.aol.com>...
>
> This evening I had the great misfortune of visiting Family Funway in
> Burnsville, Minnesota with my girlfriend Susan, Tina Curtis, and Tina's
friend
> Jay.
>
> This is a park..... this is a park....
>
> <user takes a drink of water and tries to collect himself>
>
> Sorry folks...... this is a park that is....... EVIL. It's awful, the
most
> awful place I've ever visited. Worst of all, it's geared toward
children. I
> can't even describe just how scary this place is!
It has free admission, free parking and pay-as-you ride policy. What more
can you ask (BTW this park is just south of HWY 13 on your way to
Valleyfair in Savage, MN, near the large overhead electric wires and across
the street from Sam's Club)
>
> First of all you walk in and the place is deserted. The first thing you
see is
> a rusted water slide called Rampage. There is a *trickle* of water
running
> down the slide and the whole thing looks like it's about to tumble over
should
> anyone over 20 lbs. actually make their way to the top.
>
I actually tried this ride 5 years ago and the owner of the park had to
tackle me before I flew off the end of the ramp.
> Located directly below this water slide is a trash can. This trash can
has a
> clown's head for a receptacle and you put your trash in the clown's
mouth.
> This clown does not look like the happy sort of clown that entertain
children.
> This looks more like Shakes the Clown.
But its a decorated garbage can.
> Next you walk past a row of small, dirty quarter kiddy rides - the kind
you
> might see at a grocery store. Only these kiddie rides look like rejects
- cars
> with square wheels, that sort of thing.
>
> Then you come upon the "scenes." Row after row of the most STUPID,
> disgustingly violent scenes you'd ever see! You put a quarter in one of
them -
> the scene is a doctor operating on a patient. Once the quarter is
inserted the
> nurse begins to hit the patient over the head with a mallet while the
doctor
> stabs at the patient's heart! Blood is squirted all over the walls and
floor.
Mark, these are nothing but old vaudeville-type scenes on some cool-looking
pre-animatronic machines
> A few feet away there is another scene of a magician sawing a woman in
half.
> You deposit your quarter and the magician begins sawing away while the
woman
> begins kicking her feet and screaming. Once again blood is everywhere.
>
> There are rows upon rows of this stuff!
>
> The pop machines all have handwritten labels describing the pop, and they
are
> covered with layer upon layer upon layer of scotch tape. Every single
pop
> machine in the park is like this. I didn't bother to check if the
machines
> were even turned on.
>
> There is an extremely old paratrooper with all but two of its lights
missing.
> There is a ferris wheel. The ferris wheel is the scariest looking thing
I've
> ever seen - most of the cars are missing, in fact there were only six
cars
> remaining on the whole ride. It's the only ferris wheel I've ever seen
running
> with missing cars!
I did not know that the ferris wheel ran like that!!! But you get an extra
long ride session on both the Tilt-A-Whirl and the Paratrooper. And don't
forget the Roll-o-plane!
You shouldn't be so hard on these employees. After all, they weren't rude
to you or told you to leave.
> An empty fun house called "Castle". Some sort of "elevator." A rocket
ride
> that looked like a painted white box that you sit in while it shakes.
This rocket ride is just an ancient similator ride.
Mark, you forgot to mention the ride that this park is truly famous for . .
its go-karts!
Greg (remembering that there may be a silver lining to every cloud.)
>