Train/Railroad Jokes - CLEAN Please
Dewi Williams
|> Dear Train Buffs
|>
|> We have a group of tourists who are coming to Australia. Upon arrival they
|> will be touring the country by train. As we will have long hours on the
|> train we would like to break up the journey with train/railroad type jokes.
|> Does anyone out there have any clean train jokes.
|>
|> Thanks in advance for your help with this.
|>
|> Dawn
1. Paddington (London, not Sydney) 19th century: checked bags were sorted
by initial letter of owner's name. The Rev. Dr. Lloyd created a big
fuss with the station-master when he asked about his bags and was told
to "go to 'ell".
2. A Director of the GWR was touring the line. Train stopped at town
of Ayhno, but he couldn't see sign. Asked porter "My good man, where is
this?" "Ayhno" (pronounced "I know") was the reply. More big fuss.
(both stories alleged true, from History of GWR).
3. Town of Eurelia, somewhere in US mid-west. Conductor and porters could
not agree on pronounciation. Conductor would walk through train
telling everybody "You're-a-liar". Porter followed up with
"You-really-are".
4. Another 19th century chestnut
Pompous, well-known director of Lancashire and Yorkshire Rly was
asked to show his ticket (director's pass). "My good man, my face is
my ticket". "My dear sir, you are travelling 1st class on a 3rd-class
ticket".
--
... Dewi
de...@bnr.ca Dewi Williams +1 (613) 763-3416
R. Todd Minsk
(Also suggested: because it's caboose is red.)
Response to passenger complaint about increased sleeping car fares:
"The berth rate has gone up since your last trip."
Happy April Fool's day.
Todd Minsk, ferro-bibliographer
157...@wmich.edu
> In article <2moj6o$p...@wampyr.cc.uow.edu.au>, dawn_whitby....@central-gw.uow.edu.au (Dawn Whitby) writes:
> |> Dear Train Buffs
> |>
> |> We have a group of tourists who are coming to Australia. Upon arrival they
> |> will be touring the country by train. As we will have long hours on the
> |> train we would like to break up the journey with train/railroad type jokes.
> |> Does anyone out there have any clean train jokes.
> |>
> |> Thanks in advance for your help with this.
> |>
> |> Dawn
>
Here is one my brother got from a friend:
"You can tell a train has been through here," Bill stated
"How?" asked Fred
"You can see its tracks!!"Bill replied.
Jeff
(No, I didn't post this one twice...I corrected a grammatical error and it
got moved down here from above-note the missing number from above-33470)
Fred Ochs
Here's one that's kinda stupid, but cracked me up the first time I heard it
(the guy had a serious look on his face when he told it, making it even more
funnier at the time):
I can see there's been a train thru here. (So I said how do you know that?)
and he said, because I can see it's tracks.
Fred
Peter Neilson
dawn_whitby....@central-gw.uow.edu.au (Dawn Whitby) writes:
>Dear Train Buffs
>
>We have a group of tourists who are coming to Australia. Upon arrival they
>will be touring the country by train. As we will have long hours on the
>train we would like to break up the journey with train/railroad type jokes.
> Does anyone out there have any clean train jokes.
>
>Thanks in advance for your help with this.
>
>Dawn
How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but to no avail. He first punches a hole in the new bulb.
___
Why don't elephants like to ride on railways?
They hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
___
How many foamers does it take to change a lightbulb?
No, NO!!! Not until I get a picture of the old one!!!
___
How many 600-volt DC subway workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five.
***
--
My job vanishes 30 Nov 1994. Suggestions on what to do next are welcome.
>>> Peter Neilson --- nei...@osf.org <<<
Work: Cambridge MA Home: Leominster MA Horses: Royalston MA, Northwood NH
Jason Paul Togyer
1.) A rookie brakeman is out, late one night, on his first trip. The
head brakeman tells him to set the brakes on a car, so he puts his
lantern on the ground and climbs to the top of the car.
"Hey," yells the head brakie, "what's the matter with you! You don't
ever leave your lamp sitting on the ground," and he tosses the lantern
up to the rookie.
Meanwhile, the engineer and the fireman are sitting in the nice, warm
engine cab 30 cars away. The fireman calls the hogger over.
"You'll never believe what I just saw," he says. "That brakeman stood
flat footed on the ground and jumped to the top of that car there, and
he had his lantern with him!"
(Rim-shot)
2.) A time freight rear-ended a local peddler freight one night, and the
ensuing investigation centered on whether or not the crew of the first
train had flagged the second train sufficiently.
"Now, then," said the superintendent to the peddler's rear brakeman,
"were you flagging your train that night?"
"Yes, sir," he said.
"And were you at least a half-mile from your train?" asked the super.
"Yes, sir," said the brakie.
"And did you attempt to flag the express down?" asked the super.
"Yes, sir, and they went right on past me," the brakie said.
"And did you use a red lantern?" the super asked.
"Yes, sir," the man said. "Of course."
Well, the railroad couldn't decide who was at fault, so the
investigation was closed.
"You did just what I asked you to," said the conductor of the local
freight to the rear brakeman after the hearing. "You told the truth.
But were you nervous at all?"
"You bet!" replied the brakeman. "I was hopin' that guy wouldn't ask me
if the lantern was lit!"
(Laughter)
3.) And then there was the time that the president of the Maryland and
Pennsylvania (short-line) Railroad demanded to get a free pass to ride
the Pennsylvania Railroad. In exchange, he said, he'd give the
president of the Pennsy a pass over the Ma & Pa.
"What good is that?" asked the PRR's president. "Your railroad is a
hundred times shorter than ours!"
"Ah," said the president of the Ma & Pa, "but it's just as wide!"
(Boo loudly)
Thank you! Thank you! You're a great crowd!
8-)
-----
Jason Togyer -- Carnegie-Mellon University -- Pittsburgh, Penna., USA
"Laugh? I thought my pants would never dry!" (Larry Slaugh, CFA '52)
Standard disclaimer: I speak for no one else in this post (and no one
speaks for me, as far as that goes).
Evan Werkema
central-gw.uow.edu.au (Dawn Whitby) writes:
> Dear Train Buffs
>
>We have a group of tourists who are coming to Australia. Upon arrival
>they will be touring the country by train. As we will have long hours on
>the train we would like to break up the journey with train/railroad type
>jokes.
>Does anyone out there have any clean train jokes.
>
>Thanks in advance for your help with this.
SP's a pretty good train joke...albeit a dirty one. ;)
-- ____________________ _______________
__________ .. _______ I EVERGREEN I I MAERSK
___/ooI= = ===~~~~~~``~======I _I------------------I_ _I--------------
I_I~ I---____Santa Fe__=_=_=I_I __I \----------------/ I__I \-------------
`-'O==O==O~============~O==O==O`-'~`o==o~----------------~o==o~--------------
--Evan Werkem...@po.cwru.edu--"Ship and Travel Santa Fe...All the Way!"--
james foote
Guy running to catch a train: "Can I take this train to Altoona?"
Guy standing under placard that reads 'Train to Altoona': "You can't
_take_ this train anywhere--it belongs to the railroad."
or
"Why would you want to--it's going there anyway."
James Foote
jfo...@unlinfo.unl.edu
John Wilson
This is even supposed to be true. A conductor on the train to
Newport, RI, back in the days when that was the resort for the
extremely wealthy of New York, comes up to a well-known
resort denizen sitting in a coach seat with a luggage blocking
the aisle. Conductor tells resorter he will have to
get that bag out of the aisle. Passenger says he doesn't
have to do anything about the bag. Conductor gets mad,
chews passenger out about "You Newporters think you're
in charge of the whole world. Well, I'm in charge of this
train and if you don't get that bag out of the aisle, I'll
throw it off the train." Passenger ignores conductor. Conductor
throws bag overboard and comes back to passenger. Conductor
says "There, now what are you going to do about that?".
Passenger's answer; "Nothing, it wasn't my bag."
You might also swap "true" names for railroads. There was
a long thread on these some time back. I remember some good
examples:
London, Chatham, and Dover <==> London, Crash'em, and Rollover
Delaware, Lackawanna, and Western <==> Delay, Linger, and Wait
Southern Pacific <==> Sufferin' Pathetic
etc.
Have fun!
Robert Saxon
offering passenger service between NY & Chicago.
Lady in NY (to policeman): Officer, I've got to get to Chicago in the
worst way; can you help me?
Policeman: Lady, the Erie station is just down the street. That's the
worst way to get to Chicago that I know.
OK, purists, the Erie station in NY would have had to be a ferry
terminal, but after 50 years, who's counting?
Robert Saxon
rsa...@delphi.com
157...@wmich.edu
Erie Lackawanna <==> Erie Lackofmoney
West Broad Top??(WBTS)<==>Wobble Bobble Turnover and Stop
Jeff
Evan Werkema
>From: 157...@wmich.edu
>Subject: Re: Train/Railroad Jokes - CLEAN Please
>Date: 7 Apr 94 20:49:43 EST
Wheeling & Lake Erie <==> Walk and Leave Early
East Tennessee & West North Carolina <==>
Eatin' Taters and Wearin' no Clothes
Catherine Beauheim
Peter
>In article <1994Apr7.204943.16786@wmichgw> 157...@wmich.edu writes:
>>From: 157...@wmich.edu
>>Subject: Re: Train/Railroad Jokes - CLEAN Please
>>Date: 7 Apr 94 20:49:43 EST
>>In article <wilsonjhC...@netcom.com>, wils...@netcom.com (John Wilson) writes:
>>>
>>> You might also swap "true" names for railroads. There was
>>> a long thread on these some time back. I remember some good
>>> examples:
>>> London, Chatham, and Dover <==> London, Crash'em, and Rollover
>>> Delaware, Lackawanna, and Western <==> Delay, Linger, and Wait
>>> Southern Pacific <==> Sufferin' Pathetic
>>> --
>> Erie Lackawanna <==> Erie Lackofmoney
>> West Broad Top??(WBTS)<==>Wobble Bobble Turnover and Stop
>
> Wheeling & Lake Erie <==> Walk and Leave Early
> East Tennessee & West North Carolina <==>
> Eatin' Taters and Wearin' no Clothes
>
Santa Fe <==> Santa Flush
CSX <==> C-Sucks or Chicken Sh*t Xpress
Norfolk Southern <==> Nazi Southern
Conrail <==> Con job
Amtrak <==> Amtrash, Amcrash
Disclaimer: This is not necessarily how I perceive these railroads.
_________________________________________________________________________
| 44 44 44 99999 | Peter N. Ruesch |
| 4 4 4 4 4 4 9 9 | Hard-Core Railfan Photographer |
| 4 4 4 4 4 4 999999 | Atmospheric Science Major |
| 4444444 4444444 4444444 9 | Purdue University |
| 4 4 4 99999 | sp4...@sage.cc.purdue.edu |
| ***The Queen of Steam*** | (317) 495-4310 |
|-----------------------------------------------------------------------|
| "I look around, unsatisfied with what they're giving me, then I think |
| To myself, is there someone else who feels the same as me?" --INXS |
|-----------------------------------------------------------------------|
Colin R. Leech
In a previous article, wils...@netcom.com (John Wilson) says:
>
>You might also swap "true" names for railroads. There was
>a long thread on these some time back. I remember some good
>examples:
>London, Chatham, and Dover <==> London, Crash'em, and Rollover
>Delaware, Lackawanna, and Western <==> Delay, Linger, and Wait
>Southern Pacific <==> Sufferin' Pathetic
MSC = Montreal and Southern Counties <==> Montreal and SOmetimes Comes
(old streetcar/interurban line)
--
Colin R. Leech |-> My opinions are my own, not my
ag...@freenet.carleton.ca |-> employer's. You may consider
h:613-224-2301 w:613-741-6440 |-> them as shareware if you wish.
"Civil Engineer by training, Transportation Planner by choice." - CRL
K Johnson
Another railway joke. Stop me if you've heard this one:
In the compartment of a train passing through Czechoslovakia are a young
women, an old woman, a Czech student and a Russian soldier. The train
enters a tunnel, and before the lights come on there is the sound of a
kiss and a slap.
The young woman thinks: "How odd that that student should try to kiss
that old woman instead of me. Why, she must be eighty years old if
she's a day."
The old woman thinks: "That's good. I am glad she stood up to him when
he came on to her like that. These young men think they can take
advantage whenever they like."
The Russian soldier thought: "I suppose she thought it was I who kissed
her. These damned students, they should learn some manners."
And the Czech student thought: "What jolly fun: I kiss the back of my
hand, slap a Russian soldier across the face, and I get away with it."
Ken Johnson
--
Son, all the beautiful, intelligent, healthy young women # Ken Johnson
are taken. It's a basic law of the universe, and if you # +44 31 650 3799
don't like it, go somewhere else -- my dad 1906-1992 # Business Studies
*** WWW http://squeeze.bus.ed.ac.uk/people/kenj *** # Edinburgh University
Ardie Mack
J.R. Stoner
having quite a reputation for slow service due to very bad track - 20mph max
for 800 miles!]
Worried and very pregnant woman catches the attention of the conductor on the
'Ghan one fine day:
"Mr conductor, I am very worried that if we do not get to Alice Springs on
time, I just might be into labor right here on the train."
"Madam, you should have thought about that when you boarded, being that you
are in this condition."
"But sir, when I boarded this train, I wasn't in this condition!"
--
In 1911/and strident voices raised high/Votes! Votes for women, was the cry.
Titanic was sinking/and death was nigh/Boats! Boats for women, was the cry.
lederman
heard over the Public Address system in a British railway
station:
"Will the passengers who took the 3:15 to Ipswich please bring
it back? It's needed."
"The 4:00 to Brighton is now standing on Platform 9: but we
hope, in the due course of time, to have it back on the tracks
again."
"The train now arriving on tracks 3, 4, 5, and 6... is coming
in sideways!"
--
B. Z. Lederman. My personal opinions.
Evan Werkema
(story from Great Railway Journeys about the Ghan and pregnancy deleted)
From the book that accompanied the original Great Railway Journeys of the
World series, I seem to remember them saying that the line the Ghan used
(Maree-Alice Springs) was about to be abandoned/relocated further east, and
was therefore being allowed to run-down. Just out of Yankee curiousity, did
this come to pass? Or do they still maintain "a cracking 17 mph" out of
Oonadata?
Dewi Williams
Rockies, including some in what is now Banff National Park.
On Saturday nights, many miners would ride into Banff and have a cup of
tea or glass of lemonade, or just possibly, something stronger.
One Saturday, an inebriated miner missed the last train home. He wandered
across to the yard, found an engine in steam, backed it out onto the
main line, and drove it to his mine, stopped it, went to the bunk-house,
and fell asleep.
He was charged with "theft of a locomotive" by the Canadian Pacific Rly.,
but he couldn't remember a thing about it.
The trial went like this:
Defence counsel: Was the engine on CPR property before my client moved it?
CPR: Yes.
Def: Was it on CPR tracks when he left it?
CPR: Yes.
Def: Did it at any time leave CPR tracks?
CPR: No.
Def: Then where is the theft?
Magistrate: Case dismissed.
Dewi Williams
|> In article <Co5qu...@news.plx.com> asg...@plx.com (J.R. Stoner) writes:
|>
|> (story from Great Railway Journeys about the Ghan and pregnancy deleted)
|>
|> From the book that accompanied the original Great Railway Journeys of the
|> World series, I seem to remember them saying that the line the Ghan used
|> (Maree-Alice Springs) was about to be abandoned/relocated further east, and
|> was therefore being allowed to run-down. Just out of Yankee curiousity, did
|> this come to pass? Or do they still maintain "a cracking 17 mph" out of
|> Oonadata?
|>
south to intersect the transcontinental line. New line is standard
gauge. New trains supposed to be very luxurious - I intend to find out.
A fragment of the old line is left near Alice for tourists with
occasional steam runs.
Harry Dodsworth
Two elderly railfans were reminiscing about steam and made a
pact that whoever died first would come back from the afterlife
and report on the status of operating steam.
Joe died and a few days later, his ghostly figure reported
back.
'Well Bill, it's good news and bad news - the good news is
that heaven is filled with steam locomotives, the bad news is
you are called to fire Train 44 in the morning!'.
--
Pertti Tapola
> A couple of announcements that were supposed to have been
> heard over the Public Address system in a British railway
> station:
This reminds me a real text in London Underground (I saw it with
my own eyes):
WARNING TO THE PASSENGERS: Do not cross the rails
- It takes hours to disentangle them.
Well, I admit, it was not an official LU sign but rather
an advertisement poster with the above phrase as a catcher.
However, I do not remember the company, nor what they were
trying to sell. The catcher was too catchy. :-)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pertti Tapola pertti...@ntc.nokia.com (in Finland, by the way)
Engineers solve known problems. Only a wizard uncovers the problems.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Larry Byler
[snip]
: This reminds me a real text in London Underground (I saw it with
: my own eyes):
: WARNING TO THE PASSENGERS: Do not cross the rails
: - It takes hours to disentangle them.
[more snip]
Continuing the drift...
In 1969, there was an advert for the London Zoo in many of the Underground
cars. It showed three commuters riding the Underground, each reading a
newspaper that concealed their face and upper body. The headlines read:
"TIGER ESCAPES FROM LONDON ZOO" "WIDESPREAD SEARCH CONTINUES". The middle
commuter's lower body sported hind paws and a yellow and orange striped tail.
-Larry "got the photograph to prove it" Byler-
Ed Shoben
The equipment is standard Budd design produced by some licensee in NSW. I trust someone will correct me if I'm wrong but I believe it is the same as the equipment on the Broadway Ltd. around 1960. One difference is that the sleeping cars have showers.
It's a fun trip. I rode in 1990. Let's it runs for many more years.
Matthew Geier
> The equipment is standard Budd design produced by some licensee in NSW.
The body shells are built using the Budd licensed stainless steel techniques.
'Comeng' in NSW were the licencee, the plant no longer exists, and the
Victorian Comeng plant is now part of the multinational ABB empire.
> It's a fun trip. I rode in 1990. Let's it runs for many more years.
The 'New' Ghan should be around for a while yet - its Australian National's
premier train service, and patronage is increasing. Its marketed at the
luxury tourist market.
AN have just taken over total management of the Indian Pacific fleet,
and after having extracted several million out of the fed's, are refrubishing
the cars, and they will pitch it into the same Luxury tourist market the Ghan
is doing so well in.
--
Matthew Geier, | Desolation Road Railfan BBS and Dialup Unix
mat...@sleeper.apana.org.au | (+61) 2 718 6996 ( Ringback )
mat...@cs.su.oz.au (Quicker) | APANA Sydney secondary hub.
Gregory Rudd
The equipment used on the Ghan is totaly different than the rolling stock
used on the broadway Ltd the rolling stock used on the gahn is narower to fit
the Australian loading gauge. And the reasion that the equipment has budd
written comonwealth enginering plates was the commonweath enginerring used the
paintented Budd welding process for corigated staneless steel.
--
Gregory Rudd Internet: gr...@scu.edu.au
Southern Cross University
Lismore NSW Australia