Galen Gindes on Photographing the Green Mamba with Nikon Kit
FCHLDRAY
As we all know, the Green Mamba snake(not the dance) is the most deadly
reptile that lives. A bite from the Green Mamba will cause death in six seconds
and, believe, me those are very long seconds. I've been there. While there are,
it is true, captive Green Mambas, it verges un unethical behavior to photograph
one through glass and have it published. Shame on those who do so.
Of course, one of the problems in photographing the Green Mamba is
filing the frame. That is because the Green Mamba is only six inches long and
has a striking distance of thirty feet. The solution--adequate Nikon
photographic gear. With the new automated Nikon F5(available for a mere $2895),
three SB28 Speedlights(tm) and my favorite Nikon 80-200 2.8 Olympian lens(tm),
this photography is a snap. Here's how to do it.First, dress adequately for the
inclement Asian climate. I would suggest the Galen Gindes Bwana Outfit(tm)
available from Galen Gindes Photographic Apparrel.(Galen@ Shmata.com)
Hook up your new data secretary(tm) to your Nikon F5. When you see the
Windows 95(tm) menue, go to the Winnet 35 systems file. Type in "Snake
Photography." The new Nikon Data Secretary will then prompt you to enter the
name of the snake. Do NOT enter King snake or Regal Phython--this could be
extremely dangerous. After entering, "Green Mamba.exe/death," your new Nikon F5
will automatically be set to the Green Mamba Photography Program(tm).
Approach the snake carefully. A little bit of zen or meditation may
help--on the other hand, it may not, but if that happens I don't think you'll
be complaining. Set the SB28Speedlight for "Nuke Em." Upon approaching the
Green Mamba, push the "test" button on your new Nikon SB 28 Speedlight(tm).
This will blind and confuse the snake. Next shift to color matrix meteing.
"Green" will automatically be entered as a default by your Nikon Data
Secretary(tm).The lens will automatically default to 2.8 and you are ready to
photograph.
One last suggestion-Green Mambas do travel in pairs and therefore you
should be on the lookout for spouses or other significant others of the snake
in question.
The vivid greens produced by Fugi Velvia Film will give you a perfect
rendition of the Green Mamba and the SB 28 Speedlight(tm) will effectively put
catch lights in the snake's eye.
Building up a library of stock photographs can be extremely lucrative
for the outdoor photographer and you may as well start here. After all, sucess
will guarantee no more failures and, if I am right, and you fail--you,
yourself, may come back as a Green Mamba--restating that old Bakersfield
Karma--What goes around, comes around.
Galen Gindes, Outdoor Photographer
dannyg1
Galen,
Your sage advice has quickly made a die hard fan of me. There are a number of traps
in the business life of a photographer that have ensnared us professionals in
confusion for decades (witness the spineless responses of the organizations we
belong: ASMP, NPPA, APNY, etc.).
Of all the reasoning I've read officially profferred, your 'white hot credit card' is the
most accurate I've read among professionals today. I'm hoping you can do as well on
a few of these common traps:
What do you do (or suggest) when faced with a contract that transfers your
copyright to the client? (These contracts usually don't come up until after you've
done the job and are about to put in your invoice)
What do you say to an Art buyer who offers you a low paying job, while couching
the dis with the ubiquitous "We'll make it up on the next job"?
How many photographers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
When a client won't pay, what work better: A lawyer or superior armorments?
Is photographic fame a talent, or popularity, contest?
Groupies?
Why do photographers scatter and run whenever real business issues come up?
When I'm sparring for work, do I need to keep this idiotic smile going forever?
Where do you stand on the camera shake vs. coffee issue?
Regards and thanks,
Danny Gonzalez
FCHLDRAY
Dear Sir:
I have read that there are only 100 documented cases of "split
personality." However, I believe I may be the 101th. On the one hand, I am, and
let me make this perfectly clear, Galen Gindes--world renowned photographer,
loving husband, loving dog owner, twenty mile jogger, and Nikon, Nikon, Nikon.
I am also Andrew Gindes, an author and former lawyer, who wrote a book called
"Crimes Against Children" which sold about six copies. So, I will try to
address your concerns as, I am- two different people.
(1) White Hot Credit Cards:
Galen Gindes:Love 'em especially the new Nikon Visa and the special
Nikon credit provisions. I also love it when amateurs think that spending
thousands of dollars on "state of the art" cameras will make them like me.
Andrew Gindes: I know, personally, of three people who have graduated
from high school, been solicited for credit cards, got them with unbelievable
spending limits, got cars without any jobs to pay for them, got tagged with
cellular phone bills in the thousands and (1) one went into prostitution (2) a
second committed suicide(3) a third bankrutpcy.
I have written to Herb Keppler, Editor of Popular Photography,
deploring the basic theme of that magazine--although not him--of buying
senseless photographic equipment or "upgrading" and constantly giving back
cameras in trade ins--eg a Nikon N90 traded in for $200 on a $1100 Nikon 90s. I
have taken many photographs and I know as every photograper does that film
exposure is a part of composition-a machine cannot make the choices that make
art. Nor have I ever had the desire to burn up 8 pictures in one second. Nor do
I know anyone who has and, in fact, no camera that will do it except in the
most limited and useless situations.
(2) Unfair contracts
Galen Gindes: I currently have 17,898 legal actions pending against people
who try to use my photographs without paying through the nose for them.
Andrew Gindes: It's a buyer's market and there are hundreds of thousands
of photographers who will sign their life away simply to see their work in
print.
(3) Unscrupulous buyers:
Galen Gindes: Let them try that stunt on me! I have twenty legal
gunslingers on retainer.
Andrew Gindes: During my infrequent photographic assignments, I learned
to get my money in advance.
(4) How many photographers does it take to screw in a light bulb:
Galen Gindes: What light bulb? My wife and I have trashed all of our
standard lights for Nikon(tm) speedlights. They push in, not screw in?
Andrew Gindes: one
(5)Clients who don't pay:
Galen Gindes: They always pay ME.
Andrew Gindes: "A bad deal is better than a good lawyer."
(6)Is photographic fame a talent or popularity contest?
Galen Gindes: Visit the Galen Gindes Mueseum and Gift Shop where you
can purchase signed copies of my photographs and my special Galen Gindes Singh
Ray filters.
Andrew Gindes: It involves talent, being at the right place at the
right time and--as Monica Lewinsky taught us-whom you know and what you'll do.
(7)Groupies?
Galen Gindes: I have decided, along with actor-moralist Richard
Gere and actress moralist Sharon Stone, that only the Dali Lama should have
groupies. I prefer cold, hard, cash.
(8)Idiotic Smile:
Galen Gindes: Try a verile, macho smile like mine even though it
was photographed twenty years ago and not by some yo yo with Velvia. We're
talklig serious Tiffen glass, man, and forgiving film.
(9) Camera shake:
Andrew Gindes: What almost every amateur photographer attributes
to inferior lenses and is encouraged to buy superior lenses that have no real
difference unless enlarged in a magazine that is approximately 24 inches in
length.
Hope these answers will assist you as a photographer. Meanwhile,
this is Galen Gindes, signing off somehwhere in Thialand where Nikon now
produces their cameras, the workers like to eat a lot of wild rice, and strike
breakers--well, we don't want to talk about that.
GG/AG
dannyg1
Andrew,
Your answer to my question: "(6)Is photographic fame a talent or popularity
contest?", has me confused.
You wrote:
"It involves talent, being at the right place at the right time and--as Monica
Lewinsky taught us-whom you know and what you'll do."
Did you mean to write (I paraphrase; forgive me Galen):
'It involves a talent: being at the right place at the right time and--as Monica
Lewinsky taught us-whom you know and what you'll do.'
If so, your answer will become my signature file for the week (I can't keep it on too
long. People have a way of looking askance at what it takes to get the real work).
If the above revision is not what was meant, I take strong exception to your blatantly
idealistic leanings (it's obvious being 'at the right place, at the right time' is only an
assurance for particularly lucky people of rhetoric loaded sexual ability/preference).
Surely there's another talent photographers practice in the field.
On another answer you gave: if it's truly a buyers market and inferior lens
syndrome only makes a difference at 24 inches; isn't it obvious then, why
photographers scatter whenever business is brought up as the topic du jour?
Ethically pure (I swear),
Danny Gonzalez