******TIFFANY's LIFE STORY! READ & WEEP!!!!!!!!!******
Deb...@japbimbo.music.com
bitch...er...bastar...er..bastion of pop fluff - Tiffany!
Personally, I can't believe the guy wasted web space on that tramp,
but here's the corrections he needs to add in order to be accurate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chronology of the Life and Demised Career of Tiffany
•Oct. 2, 1971 - Tiffany Renee Darwish born to parents Jim and Janie
Darwish after sex with a defective condom. Her last name is Quatarian
for "The camels need watering", although other mideastern linguists
have translated it as “Red Death’s Head”, “Fleas infest the privates”,
and “The goats are dying of boredom”.
•Dec., 1972 - Separation of Tiffany's parents, Jim and Janie Darwish.
Jim and Janie had an arguement over who would go down on the other
first during oral sex, and the divorce was a result.
•1976 - After being taught the words to "Delta Dawn" by a cousin,
Tiffany begins singing this song to anyone who will listen, including
in the middle of the supermarket. Tiffany and Janie are barred for
life from most supermarkets, including K-Mart and Target.
•1977 - Tiffany's mother marries Dan Williams, an unemployed black
garbage collector with an 11" penis that stays erect for more than 15
minutes at a time. He has a secret penchant for redheads with no tits.
•1979 - Tiffany's half-sister, Falicia, born to Janie and Dan
Williams, producing one ugly redheaded black child.
•1981 - After a dismal attempt at streetwalk child prostitution,
Tiffany gives her first public performance: with a drunken blues band
playing at a country & western nightspot. She passed her panties
around afterward and collected $2.35, leading her stepfather to
realize that since she was too young to be hooking on the street, her
singing could be a source of money.
•1982 - Under her first manager, Terry Janssen (an executive of
country radio station KSON of San Diego and known child molester),
Tiffany tours several clubs in Alaska, earning $3000; then, she opens
her legs for another famous child molester, Jerry Lee Lewis, and has
her first drink with George Jones in Texas, throwing up on him and
giving George his first legitimate excuse for not showing up at a
performance.
•1983 - Tiffany's other half-sister, Cheressa, born to Janie and Dan
Williams. This union produces a fair-skinned girl with a really bad
looking black afro.
•1983 - After she refuses to perform unlubricated anal sex with him,
Terry Janssen quits as Tiffany's manager. Ronald Kent Surut becomes
her new lover/manager, and bangs her ass while bankrolling her career
for years, but never gets her a big break. (After she succeeded with
George Tobin as manager, Surut sued for over $100,000 to recoup
medical costs for herpes medication, which he claims he caught from
her during the time he was her manager.)
•Sept. 8, 1983 - Somebody else from Norwalk besides Tiffany gained
some fame of sorts: Timothy Roy completed a 431-day stay in a
treehouse to gain a spot in the Guiness Book of World Records. Tiffany
later gave him his first blowjob to celebrate his achievement.
•1984 - A local songwriter asks Tiffany to record a demo tape for a
few of his songs, reserving time at a recording studio owned by George
Tobin for this purpose. Instead, the songwriter proceeds to bang the
shit out of the hapless redhead. A studio hand who's watching and
wanking off in the control booth calls Tobin over to hear her play the
skin flute, and he is impressed with her skills he decides
immediately to get her signed to a recording contract.
•1984 - Divorce of Tiffany's mother and stepfather, Janie and Dan
Williams. Publically, Dan is accused of "playing peeping Tom" by
looking into Tiffany's bedroom window, but claims he was only making
sure she did her breathing exercises. In reality, Dan was banging Tiff
every night she wasn't on the rag, and only got caught because Dan had
some red hairs caught between his gold-capped teeth.
•1985 - Tiffany appears on "Star Search" syndicated TV program, but is
defeated in competition by another teenage singer. (Not Debbie Gibson,
who tried to get on "Star Search" but was turned down because she
wouldn't suck Ed McMahon's penis during the tryouts.) Tiff is later
consoled backstage by Ed McMahon, who disturbed taping of the last
episode of "Dance Fever" by hollering "Hi-YOOOOO!" during orgasm.
•Mar. 17, 1986 - Tiffany signs contract with manager George Tobin
giving him absolute control over her career and everything else in her
entire life save for her menstual cycles; she agrees to do seven
albums for him, and suck off anyone in the music industry in exchange
for a hight percentage on the album profits. Tiffany's mother, being
an ignorant miscegenating inbred, also signs it as legally required
for a minor;
•Mar. 18, 1986 - After her post-cocaine hangover subsides, Janet has
the contract reviewed by her quack lawyer from her divorce, and later
regrets not submitting it to an entertainment attorney instead. The
terms of the contract are unusually one-sided in Tobin's favor, and
usually requires Tiff to walk around the house naked at all times.
Tobin's partner at the time is Brad Schmidt, who shares managing
duties and gets to bang Tiff's ass once in a while as a perk.
•1986 - Tiffany begins recording songs for her first album at Tobin's
studio in North Hollywood, California. Ultimately, 48 songs would be
recorded before the album is released, but only 12 are usable because
the other 36 were recorded with at least one dick in Tiff's mouth.
•1986 - Tobin sends Tiffany's demo tapes to many record companies,
with little interest at first. Finally, after several well-placed
blowjobs to certain execs, MCA and Epic showed interest, and a
contract is signed with MCA.
•1987 - Tiffany's debut album, Tiffany, is released by MCA Records,
which paid a $150,000 advance for it, but then let it sit in its
warehouses for months, not knowing how to promote it after Post
refuses to put a single on the back of its cereal boxes.
•Spring, 1987 - Tobin threatens to terminate the contract with MCA and
withdraw Tiffany's album unless MCA does something to promote it. Tiff
offers to appear in a full-page spread for _Hustler_ magazine, but
withdraws the offer after being reminded she's still a minor.
•June 23, 1987 - Tiffany's mall tour (full title: "The Beautiful You:
Celebrating The Good Life Shopping Mall Tour '87") begins at the
Bergen Mall in Paramus, New Jersey. This tour was set up by Shopping
Center Network and was sponsored by Toyota, Clairol, Adidas,
Trojan-Enz, and the makers of K-Y Jelly; it had begun earlier, but
Tiffany joined it at the behest of MCA Records senior vice president
Larry Solters, who thought he was punishing her because he didn't like
a particular blow job she'd administered. It went to ten malls,
fourteen strip centers, 12 K-Marts, five Targets, Two Radio Shacks,
one franchised Kentucky Fried Chicken stand, three Boy Scout camps,
and the last operational Fotomat in Wisconsin during Tiffany's summer
vacation. (She was attending the Leffingwell Christian High School in
Norwalk, California, and was between her second sophomore and first
junior years.)
•Summer, 1987 - "Danny" released as first single, in conjunction with
the mall tour; it's not promoted otherwise, and never reaches the
charts. "Danny" refers to then-recently announced Republican VEEP
candidate, Dan Quayl(e), with whom Tiff still sends sexy love letters
and soiled panties to.
•Sept. 14, 1987 - People magazine features an article on Tiffany's
mall tour, describing her appearance at Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg,
Ill. as being a prime case for stricter enforcement of the child labor
laws. Rolling Stone magazine reports the story of Solters' punishing
Tiff for the bad BJ, and counters by pointing out that its the
audience that's being punished instead. By this time, "I Think We're
Alone Now" is the second-most-requested song at a Chicago radio
station that was a main mover and shaker in the "Burn the Beatle
Albums!" movement following John Lennon's "We're bigger than Jesus"
gaffe. At the same time, Tiff was also picked up and taken to a police
station in Salt Lake City, Utah, for possession of a controlled
substance - in Utah, where extended families are a Mormon tradition,
birth control pills are more of a controlled substance than marajuana.
MCA Records is finally convinced that Tiff's enough of a typical
rock'n'roll bimbo to release this song as a single, after much
resistance on the grounds that they weren't "into" the Tiffany project
or getting blowjobs from redheads.
•Sept. 26, 1987 - "I Think We're Alone Now" debuts on the Billboard
singles chart; it stays on the chart for 13 weeks after Tobin
threatens to blow up Billboard's publishing HQ. Toin is later named a
suspect in the Unabomber case, but is cleared when it's discovered
that the only bomb he knows how to make is Tiffany.
•Sept., 1987 - Tiffany opens for The Jets in a tour of high schools.
She's caught gangbanging the brothers in the Jets backstage by two NY
public school officials, who are paid handsomely bribe money to allow
the discovery to gradually leak into the press rather than spill all
the beans at once. Once the story hits the tabloids, the New Kids on
the Block have their agent contact Tobin, demanding equal time.
•Oct. 3, 1987 - Tiffany debuts on the Billboard album chart; it
ultimately reaches the #1 spot for comedy records, seeing as how it
was a joke that anyone would consider it worth buying in the first
place.
•Oct., 1987 - Tiffany makes her first "Tonight Show" appearance,
singing "I Think We're Alone Now." During this performance, she
accidentally raises her hands to block an oncoming rotten tomato (the
pre-arranged signal for the band to stop playing) earlier than she was
supposed to, and ends up having to improvise with some "a capella"
bars at the end of the song, combined with some disguised tapdancing
to avoid getting hit by more projectiles from the audience. Johnny
Carson, having heard from Ed McMahon about Tiff’s blowjobs, has his
way with Tiff in the Green Room after the show. Regrettably for old
Carsinio, Tiff starts her period and winds up spending her appearance
check refurnishing the couch in the Green Room.
•Nov. 7, 1987 - "I Think We're Alone Now" reaches #1 on the Billboard
chart, displacing Michael Jackson's "Bad." (It stays there 2 weeks.)
Michael is reportedly in tears over the matter, but being a good sport
invites Tiff to visit his Magic Kingdom. Three weeks later, .GIFs are
circulated over most major BBS’s and online services of an obviously
stoned Tiff making love to Bubbles the chimp, although some
photographic experts claim that the chimp may actually have been
Michael himself.
•Dec. 12, 1987 - "Could've Been" debuts on the pop singles chart. It
stays on the chart for 14 weeks for reasons still not explained. Casey
Kasem was reported to have developed migranes trying to decypher that
particular mystery.
•Dec. 24, 1987 - George Tobin breaks with his partner Brad Schmidt
after catching Brad giving Tiff her first taste in Whippit snorting.
This gives Tobin sole management control over Tiffany's career which
would last until their break in late 1989.
•Feb. 6, 1988 - "Could've Been" reaches #1 on the Billboard chart; it
stays there 2 weeks.
•Feb. 21, 1988 - "Could've Been" is nominated for the Dr. Demento
“Funny Five” for the first time, thus making it ineligible for the
Billboard charts.
•Mar. 8, 1988 - After an arguement with her mother over which type of
sanitary napkin was best, Tiffany leaves home for a recording session,
and doesn't return. This marks the beginning of the lengthy legal
proceeding between her and her mother.
•Mar. 9, 1988 - Tiffany's mother files a missing person report on
Tiffany at the Norwalk Sheriff Station. Meanwhile, Tiffany has filed
with Los Angeles Juvenile Court for legal emancipation. This conflict
is reportedly caused by a disagreement between Tiffany's mother Janie
Williams and Tiffany's manager George Tobin, with Janie concerned
about Tobin's exploitative treatment of Tiffany. Tiffany is taking
Tobin's side on this matter, and accuses her mother of being jealous
because Tiff was getting laid more often than she was.
•Mar. 11, 1988 - Superior Court Judge Richard Ibanez appoints
Tiffany's aunt, Julie Abbas (her father's sister), as her temporary
legal guardian. Julie’s cousin, Abul, is a reknown Palestinean
terrorist and stand-up comedian.
•Mar. 12, 1988 - "I Saw Him Standing There" debuts on the Billboard
singles chart; it stays on the chart for 9 weeks, peaking at #7. The
cassette single version has three songs on it, with the flip side
being a demo track from “Richard Simmonds Sweats with the Oldies”.
•Mar. 13, 1988 - Paul McCartney files a lawsuit seeking an injunction
against Tiffany singing any more Beatle songs. The judge rules against
McCartney, citing that if John Lennon could allow Yoko Ono to have a
singing career using his songs, then McCartney had no right
complaining about Tiff’s riffs on Beatle hits.
•Apr. 30, 1988 - The then-little-known teen group, New Kids On The
Block, auditions in Tiffany's dressing room at the Westbury Music Fair
in Long Island, New York, for a spot as her opening act. After seeing
them naked and erect, she basically says “what the hell!” They're
signed up, and tour with her beginning the same evening. This is a
major turning point in their road to ruin.
•May 1, 1988 - Later reports of this event, in New Kids fan
literature, mention an immediate, enthusiastic fan reaction to the New
Kids, but the New York Times review of the concert fails to even
mention New Kids On The Block. Disenchanted by the lack of mention,
the New Kids decide to break up and go back to being waiters, garage
mechanics, and street gang members until Tiff talks them out of it.
That night, all five members of NKOTB lose their virginities, and Tiff
is satisfied for the first time in recent memory.
•June, 1988 - A rock fan allegedly obsessed with saving rock’n’roll
from a resurgence of bubble gum fluff, Jeff Deane Turner, 34, of Santa
Cruz, is arrested after showing up at a courthouse during Tiffany's
emancipation hearings to attempt to behead her with a samurai-type
sword. He also reportedly grabbed and began to throttle Tiffany’s
throat during a promotional appearance in Northern California.
According to some reports, he claims to be a cousin of Tiffany who was
betrothed to her before birth, under Middle Eastern custom, and by
those same customs the only way he can divorce her is to kill her.
Turner, however, says that these stories were planted in the media by
Tiffany's relatives and management and are distorted - he’s Jewish,
not Arabic. (See Sep. 12, 1989 entry.)
•June 1, 1988 - Judge Richard C. Hubbel delays Tiffany's legal action
for emancipation pending a voluntary settlement conference. Tiffany is
not at this hearing, since she is on tour of sex shops in Scandanavia;
the judge orders her to return to be present at the settlement
conference.
•June 9, 1988 - Tiffany and her mother settle the emancipation issue
out of court; she is permitted to live with either her mother or her
grandmother, and her earnings are placed into a trust fund to be given
her in stages on her 18th, 21st, and 25th birthdays. Until then, she
is given an allowance of $20 a week, and ordered to undergo
psychiatric therapy to assist with her blossoming nymphomania. The
latter ruling follows an attempt by Tiff to sway the judge’s decision
with a quick knobjob under the bench, which was stopped by some swift
gavel action by a judge that’s faithful to the law and to his wife.
•June 11, 1988 - "Feelings Of Forever" debuts at #90 on the Billboard
singles chart. It ultimately bottoms at #150. The cassette single
version (which has three songs on it, all varying by different pitches
in the whining) contains the first mention of the Tiffany Fan Club on
its liner; however, that club will not publish its first newsletter
issue until October 1989 due to the fact that less than 20 memberships
are purchased prior to that date.
•Oct. 19, 1988 - "All This Time" is premiered on the season-premiere
episode of the ABC-TV sitcom, "Growing Pains," where it is played at
the Halloween dance at which 12-year-old Ben Seaver has his first
date. This episode suffers the biggest mid-episode ratings drop since
Tim Conway’s “Turn-On” was cancelled in mid-epsiode in 1970. An
in-depth Nielsen study shows that the reason most people turned the
channel was because of Tiff’s song.
•Nov., 1988 - Tiffany's second album, Hold An Old Friend's Hand, is
released. Some members of her fan club received advance copies and
were asked to rate the songs for release as singles. To this day,
nobody is sure why the album was released - all 17 members of the fan
club panned the entire album.
•Dec. 3, 1988 - "All This Time" debuts on the Billboard singles chart;
it stays on the chart for 14 weeks, peaking at #666.
•Jan. 12, 1989 - Tiffany makes her second "Tonight Show" appearance,
actually performing this time. Johnny’s guest host is Harvey
Fierstein, who becomes the first professional to refuse any sort of
sexual favors from Tiffany.
•Jan. 21, 1989 - Tiffany appears on the Bob Hope Super Bowl Special.
She’s later caught sliding down butt first on Old Ski Lift Nose’s
nasal appendage.
•Jan. 26, 1989 - Tiffany appears at the Topanga Plaza Mall in southern
California to receive a platinum album for Hold An Old Friend's Hand,
and to introduce the Boys' Club, who is putting on a series of mall
performances as part of an MCA "Magic of Hollywood" tour following in
the footsteps of Tiffany's earlier mall tour. Tiffany is hit in the
face with a full can of Foster’s lager - the oil can size, of course -
by a Sex Pistol’s fan who thought he was honoring Tiff’s achievment in
the only way he knew how.
•Mar. 10, 1989 - Tiffany appears on the Arsenio Hall show. She is
later found outside of Arsenio’s home with a big black eye.
•Mar. 11, 1989 - Paula Abdul announces she’s dumping Arsenio Hall as a
boyfriend, claiming “every time I see that chump, all I see is red!”.
In the same interview, she also claims that musicians like Tiffany are
a bad influence on the industry, and are not proper role models for
young girls. She declines to explain how she broke her knuckles.
•Spring, 1989 - "Radio Romance" is released as a single. It makes the
Billboard singles chart, but doesn't get very high - most DJ’s refuse
to play it as a favor to Terry Janssen.
•Spring, 1989 - Tiffany tours Japan, Manila, Malaysia, Bangkok, Hong
Kong, Taipei, and Korea. She’s arrested in Singapore for smuggling
porno tapes inside of an Apple Macintosh that Tobin uses to play
MacPlaymate with. After some wrangling by the US Ambassador to China -
who refused the blowjob, by the way - she manages to get back on June
12, just in time for her high school graduation.
•May, 1989 - Universal Studios announces that Tiffany will do the
voice of Judy Jetson for the upcoming Jetsons movie, and sing three
songs for it. The movie is originally scheduled for Christmas release,
but later postponed until July 6, 1990. The casting of Tiffany draws
controversy from animation fans who dislike her displacing of Janet
Waldo, the long-time Judy Jetson voice who had already recorded her
spoken parts before they were removed in favor of Tiffany's. The story
is that Tiffany was originally only going to do the singing, but her
manager insisted that she be given all of Judy's vocals.
•May 5, 1989 - Tiffany performs on the Pat Sajak show. Janet Waldo is
also a guest on the same show, and beats the crap out of Tiff
backstage after the show.
•June, 1989 - "Hold An Old Friend's Hand" is released as a single, but
fails to make the charts, thus signifying the beginning of the end for
Tiff’s “career”.
•June 15, 1989 - Tiffany graduates from high school. On the way up to
the podium, she trips and rips her gown off of her body, reveailing
that she’s not only stark naked underneath, but is wearing a Joni’s
Butterfly clitoral stimulator as well. She nonchalantly takes her
diploma to a standing ovulation.She attended the Leffingwell Christian
school in Norwalk, CA, but for the last two years, got most of her
education from a tutor, Craig Yamek (also her drummer) while on tour.
Yamek is noted for having taught Tiff not only how to Deep Throat, but
how to swallow as well.
•Summer, 1989 - Tiffany tours once more with New Kids On The Block,
but due to this group's great popularity, they become the major
headline act, and Tiffany is reduced to a co-headliner performing
before them. Tommy Page opens the show, and afterwards gives Tiff her
first case of gonorrhea.
•Sept., 1989 - "It's The Lover (Not The Love)" is released as a
single, but fails to make the charts. Copies of the single are later
distributed to NRA-sponsored skeet shooting ranges as targets.
•Sept. 12, 1989 - Tiffany goes to court to attempt to order Jeff Deane
Turner, an allegedly obsessed fan who has reportedly been following
her around, making threats, and sending his dirty socks and used
condoms to her private address (which he found out through motor
vehicle records), to stay away from her. (He denies any harrassment,
claims to be a personal friend of Tiffany's, and says that the whole
campaign against him was a plot of Tiffany's relatives and
management.) (See June, 1988 and Sept. 27, 1989 entries.)
•Sept. 13, 1989 - Tiffany performs on the Pat Sajak show for the
second time. While Janet Waldo is not a guest, Tiffany is again beat
shitless backstage - this time by several Janet Waldo fans. Also
present is the president of the June Foray fan club, who’d heard a
rumor that Tiff was to be the voice of Smurfette in an upcoming
“Smurfs” revival.
•Sept. 27, 1989 - Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Robert Zakon
orders allegedly obsessed fan Jeff Deane Turner to stay at least 200
yards away from Tiffany for the next three years, and stop writing and
calling her. In 1992, Turner will marry Zakon’s daughter. They now
have three kids, all named for Tiffany.
•Oct. 2, 1989 - Tiffany celebrates her 18th birthday at Universal
Studios in Hollywood. Attendees include all five New Kids On The
Block, as well as Dweezil and Moon Unit Zappa and Soleil Moon-Frye
(the former Punky Brewster, now possessed with the biggest tits a
16-year-old can genetically have). A massive gangbang ensues, in which
Tiff, Moon Unit, and Soleil have a threesome. Dweezil is arrested for
possession of several hits of brown acid, but is later released when
it’s discovered that the acid was a birthday gift for Tiff that came
out of the private Woodstock Collector’s Stash owned by Dweezil’s
father, the late, lamented Francisco “Frank “ Zappa. Afterwards, Frank
for the first time grounds his son, and orders him to stay away from
“corrupting bimbos like that”.
•Oct. 3, 1989 - After Tiff tells Soleil “your tits are getting TOO
big!”, she slugs Tiff in the nose. The next day, she schedules her
first breast reduction.
•Oct., 1989 - First issue of Tiffany Fan Club newsletter is finally
published, done by Fan Asylum, a San Francisco-based company that
handles fan clubs and merchandising for various pop and rock stars.
This is done to stave off a class-action lawsuit filed by the 20
members of the Tiffany Fan Club who’d waited up to a year for their
newsletters and secret decoder rings.
•Nov., 1989 - After he refuses to allow her to perform unlubricated
anal sex on him with a strap-on dildo, Tiffany breaks with manager
George Tobin. She later signs with Dick Scott, the New York-based
entertainment manager who also manages New Kids On The Block. After
she signs a second contract promising not to have sexual intercourse
with any of the New Kids, she begins work on a new album, supposedly
representing a major change in style and career direction. In a
related matter, MCA filed suit against Tobin claiming contract
infringement; this allegedly results from Tobin attempting to sell
some unreleased Tiffany songs to another record company after his
split with her. Tobin’s songs were actually written for Stacey Q and
Kylie Minogue, both of whom Tobin had a “relationship” with.
•Dec., 1989 - Tiffany buys a trailer home in southern California.
“This reminds me of life when I was young” she later says in an
interview for _Better Homes and Gardens_.
•Apr., 1990 - The Tiffany Fan Club announces that it is "temporarily
suspending" service until "legal obstacles are cleared" resulting from
Tiffany's change in management. The 20 members announce that the club
is disbanding, and burn their Tiffany bras and T-shirts in front of
Tiffany’s trailer park.
•Apr. 14, 1990 - Tommy Page, who opened for Tiffany and New Kids On
The Block in their 1989 concert tour, reaches #1 on the Billboard
singles chart with "I'll Be Your Everything." That makes him the
second former Tiffany opening act to reach the top of the charts (the
first being New Kids On The Block). Three days later, he is
hospitalized from blood poisoning resulting from untreated gonorrhea
and syphallis.
•Apr. 1990 - Promotion begins for the upcoming Jetsons movie,
including a "coming attractions" trailer shown in theaters which
includes a few seconds of Tiffany's singing. Viewers across the
country are provoked into throwing boxes of popcorn and overpriced
Cokes at the screens, resulting in thousands of dollars worth of
damage to the respective theaters.
•June 22, 1990 - The soundtrack to the Jetsons movie is released, with
three Tiffany songs (including "I Always Thought I'd See You Again,"
also released as a single). The album doesn’t even make the charts,
although the theme song actually gets MTV airplay in lieu of any of
the Tiff songs.
•July 6, 1990 - The Jetsons movie opens in theaters across the
country, with Tiffany doing the voice of Judy Jetson. It receives poor
reviews, and is pulled from theaters within two weeks. The Wendy's
fast-food chain offers Jetsons kids' toys and souvenir cups, and some
Jetsons merchandise is sold in stores. Both lose millions in wasted ad
costs until Hanna-Barbera releases a special version of the Jetsons
movie on tape with Janet Waldo’s voice once again restored. Tiff’s
songs are retained, however.
•Aug. 22-25, 1990 - Tiffany performs at the MCA convention (for
worldwide employees of MCA Records and MCA Distribution Group) at the
Dana Point Resort in Dana Point, California. The convention organizers
are later lynched by MCA executives.
•Sept. 25, 1990 - The first single from the upcoming New Inside album,
the title track, is released, marking a new style for Tiffany, - a
Jazz/Punk/Country influence. The trade publication Billboard gives the
single a good review, citing that the single actually would make a
good frisbee if thrown just right. KUBE in Seattle is among the first
radio stations to begin playing it, which results in a ratings drop
and a format change to All Talk Sports three months later.
•Oct. 2, 1990 - Tiff's new album hits the streets. Hundreds are
injured by shrapnel from the impact of all those records hitting the
ground at high velocity.
•Oct. 25, 1990 - Release of the original version of the Jetsons movie
on videocassette, with the sponsorship of AT&T, which offered a $500
gift certificate for long distance service or other AT&T products to
purchasers of the videotape. Most copies are later recorded over by
owners, and the remainder of back stock is later sold to VCX for use
as porno tapes.
•Nov. 8, 1990 - Tiffany's new style is displayed on nationwide TV, as
she appears in "Into The Night with Rick Dees." She sings "It's You"
and "Here In My Heart." Dees’ show is later cancelled.
•Nov. 17, 1990 - Tiffany guest-stars on the syndicated sitcom, "Out Of
This World." This show is cancelled before the next episode airs, but
is allowed to remain on as a fill-in show for the remainder of the
season.
•Dec., 1990 - "Here In My Heart" is released as the second single from
the _New Inside_ album, with a dedication to the troops serving in the
Persian Gulf. This song is later revealed as the cause for Gulf War
Syndrome.
•Jan., 1991 - Tiffany makes a number of TV talk show appearances to
promote the new single, which, nevertheless, fails to achieve pop
chart success. Chief among the appearances is one on Oprah, in which
Oprah slams Tiff hard for her sex life and her screwing over of Tobin,
who happens to be a personal friend of Oprah.
•Feb. 10, 1991 - Tiffany is one of the participants in "Voices that
Care," a song to benefit American Red Cross and other war relief. The
song and video are recorded in a Los Angeles session for release later
in the month. Debbie Gibson is also involved until Tiffany suggests
that she and Deb check into a motel together for a round of “hide the
cucumber”. Deb’s bodyguards take Tiff and tie her to a lamppost in
East LA, where she causes a gang war between the bloods and the crips
over who *has* to gangbang her first.
•Mar. 9, 1991 - Tiffany appears on the FOX show, "Totally Hidden
Video." Luckily, this episode is totally hidden by a State of the
Union address and a slideshow by Ross Perot.
•April, 1991 - Tiffany breaks with Dick Scott's management.
Eventually, she gets back with George Tobin, but I'm not positive
exactly when; I think she went through a period without a manager
while she took a break from her career to concentrate on her personal
life. During this time, she reportedly started looking into a career
as a porn star.
•Apr. 4, 1992 - Tiffany marries Bulmaro "Junior" Garcia, a former
member of Chicago’s Blackstone Rangers, and a makeup artist whom she
met on a photo shoot. “Junior” no longer has a job, nor desires to
work now that he has a gravy train.
•Sept. 17, 1992 - Elijah Bulmaro, son of Tiffany and husband Bulmaro
Garcia, is born in Canoga Park, California, weighing 9 lbs. 12 oz.
Thankfully, he does not appear to have any singing talent whatsoever,
not that the lack thereof ever stopped Tiffany...
•Apr. 20, 1993 - After Wayne Newton was forced to undergo emergency
surgery to fix his broken Elvis sneer, Tiffany begins a two-week run
doing lounge performances at the Las Vegas Hilton, concentrating on
doing covers. Other band members are not named, as they were forced to
perform under contract and not by choice. Reportedly, these members
included musicians who would normally not be caught dead performing
with someone like Tiffany, and one rumor has the lineup being John
Lydon, Eric Clapton, Ringo Starr and Charley Pride.
•Aug. 2, 1993 - After several Las Vegas performance stints following
her original April/May run (which was followed by six weeks as the
main course at the Mustang Ranch), Tiffany wraps up her Vegas sets and
prepares for a promotional tour of Asia to launch her new album, to be
released first overseas and then altered for domestic release in
December. (This is later delayed to the spring of 1994, and ultimately
never does come out.). While she avoids Singapore this time around,
she’s detained in Malasia and strip-searched. Customs officials find
that she was smuggling two rolls of cherry Life Savers and a Grape
tootsie pop within her vagina. Her confections confescated, she’s
released on a PR bond.
•Nov. 21, 1993 - Tiffany's new album, Dreams Never Die is released in
Japan. It has been released earlier in other Asian countries, and the
first single, "If Love Is Blind", is #1 on the playlist of a Hong Kong
radio station. The single is broadcast on South Korean propaganda
channels towards the North, and president Kim Il Sung begins his last
phase of war mobilization prior to his death.
•Dec. 10, 1993 - Tiffany appears on the "Wave Length" TV show to be
interviewed about the tabloids' treatment of celebrities. She is
portrayed to be as much a mass of tabloid fodder as the tabloids
themselves claim she is.
•Dec. 12, 1993 - "Jetsons: The Movie", with Tiffany doing the voice of
Judy Jetson, airs on NBC TV against ABC & CBS’s lowest-rated shows.
Both these shows place in the top ten as a result.
•1994 - Reports are that Tiffany has been dropped from MCA Records
after a stockholder vote forced the move.
•1995 - A new Tiffany "greatest-hits" CD is released in Singapore,
featuring the sounds Tiffany makes when someone whacks her upside the
head with a 2x4. This becomes Tiff’s only platinum album, and one song
featuring White Zombie and a medieval mace stays on the Billboard
charts for 11 weeks, only to be replaced by an extended mix of a song
featuring the 2 Live Crew, Coolio, 2-Paq, Barry White, and a
flamethrower.
•1996 - Tiffany has a song "I Don't Belong Down Here" on the benefit
album In Harmony with the Homeless. It is rumored that Tiff now lives
with the homeless, having been kicked out of her trailer by “Junior”
and his gang member buddies, although she denies this is the case.
• March 31, 1996 - Tiffany plays a request performance for Chelsea
Clinton at the White House. While using the bathroom, Tiffany finds a
folder in a magazine rack containing documents and papers pertaining
to a bank in Arkansas. On her way back to Chelsea’s party, she
absent-mindedly leaves the folder on a table, where it’s found and
turned over to the Whitewater commision.
Coming up next: Debbie Gibson’s Life History - the TRUE story!!!