The Rob Schuh Story

[TC Luoma]

If you've ever read the newsgroup misc.fitness.weights then you've probably encountered the ravings of Robert "Bert" Schuh. His messages usually include such pearls of wisdom as "Fuck off anon AOL choad" and "Butch up you anon WebTV troll!!!." Or you may have perused Bert's columns at the "laughably hardcore" shitpushing e-zine Testosterone where he rants about such important issues as "the idiots" he sees when training at his gym. In either case, you've probably already starting forming opinions about Bert.
    
Reading through this crap, you might get the impression that Bert has some reason to be bitter -- well he does, BIG TIME! You see, Bert used to be a bodybuilder. A pretty successful one, too. He won a fair amount of shows and eventually became a national level competitor. Don't believe me? Skeptical? I was too, I mean, what's a successful bodybuilder doing spending hours a day posting such drivel on the internet. And then I learned that there was more to Bert's story...
A Reckless Lifestyle
Bert's success as a bodybuilder wasn't without significant costs: he had to use huge, health-destroying amounts of drugs during this period to gain and later maintain his physique. In Bert's own words:
"I only used Clen one time and that was preparing for the Nationals. It was also so fucking uncomfortable and caused such a radical case of the shakes, that I had to take valium and Nubain to counteract the side effects of the drug."
"I never was affected negatively mood wise by ANYTHING until I tried Cheque drops for a week. I was one nasty fuck and had one big headache"
"My first cycle was 200mg/week of Deca and 15 Anavar/day and I put on 25 lbs in 8 weeks."
"BTW, have you ever tried Ketamine? WILD SHIT!!"
And it goes on and on... Some abuses (like Bert's well-known codeine addiction, first brought into the public eye by his "guru" buddy Dan Duchaine) have been left out. Bert's abuses didn't escape detection from local authorities either: he's been in federal prison more than once, most recently for a botched attempt to forge a prescription for his beloved codeine. Also, if these are the drugs that Bert admits to using on a public newsgroup, attached to his real name no less, imagine what Bert does in the privacy of his own home. A scary thought...
Fallen and withered
Unfortunately, Bert didn't escape his excesses unscathed. Some of his early problems were cosmetic (bad acne and gyno "so bad you could see it through a polo shirt " but things got much worse. Somewhere around 1990 Bert suffered kidney failure and had to go on dialysis. To this day, Bert fails to acknowledge that his abuse of oral and injectable steroids, sedatives, opiates, painkillers and stimulants had anything to do with his health woes. He even goes to the opposite extreme, arguing vehemently with anyone who dares mention the KNOWN side effects of steroid use.
Bert and Bill Phillips
Bert's stint as a competitive bodybuilder left him broke, jobless and with a body so shattered by drug abuse that he was on an organ transplant list. Ain't being a high level bodybuilder great. Bert only had two marketable skills at this point: his music (he fancies himself a "world class" jazz musician) and his juvenile writing. Since 99% of all jazz musicians live in poverty, Bert decided to submit some of his articles to the newstand muscle rags. He eventually landed a column at Muscle Media 2000. Wait?!?! Hasn't Bert posted thousands of lines of text to usenet talking about how he considers Muscle Media/EAS owner Bill Phillips to be a queer version of the devil himself? It gets better... After MM2K ran the first edition of Bert's column (more because Bert was "buddies" with then editor TC Luoma than because the column showed actual promise) they shitcanned it after only one showing!!
Apparently, Bert's "style" of writing wasn't up to MM2K standards... Anyways, Bert was furious because he needed the money! He immediately jumped onto Usenet and made hundreds of posts talking about how Bill Phillips was gay, addicted to valium, owned a company that made ineffective supplement and then marketed them shadily, ect. Interestingly, Bill was a good enough guy, and MM2K was a good enough magazine, for Bert to work and write for. But after MM2K fired Bert, he became an EAS hater, say anything remotely positive about EAS and you are in the shit. Typical responses from Bert are:
"Never buy ANYTHING from EAS!. If you want information on how to buy this shit, you have picked the wrong newsgroup. It is a charter of mfw to hope that Buttplug gets his due for fucking over the bodybuilding community."
"Quit with the EAS bullshit! Do you do anything but suck EAS' cock in this newsgroup?"
"Why say this! What will you get out of HMB or CLA? Nothing! Supplements are supplements. If you are going to buy Creatine, don't buy EAS. It is over priced plus you line the pockets of one of the sleaziest pricks in the world!"
"Fuck off you EAS piece of shit! Do you think that anyone believes that you are not some cum eater of Buttplug's?? Tell your boss to fly down to Arizona and suck my cock!!"
"What did Buttplug pay you to write this shit? Don't worry, no one will listen to you. We all know that HMB is complete shit. If you are so impressed by it, why hide behind a screen name? Huh Mr. 'I suck Buttplug's cock?'"
I think we're all getting the picture! I'm just a wee bit concerned with his obsession with Bill Phillip's penis!! Every post has the words "suck buttplug's cock" in it! Look at this shit:
"Every time I see a picture if Buttplug in his fishwrap, he looks really smooth and kind of "estrogeny"(I know, not a real word)? If I looked like Buttplug, I would never publish photos of myself in short sleeves or even worse, a bathing suit!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA having terrible thoughts of Buttplug naked! That is enough to make anyone puke! Old Buttplug likes to threaten people like Josh with lawsuits. I'd love to have him fuck with me!!!!!!"
This is what Bert had to say about his "dismissal" from Muscle Media 2000:
"If the article was so shitty, why did I receive over 500 e mails from MM2K readers who said that they liked it and learned a lot from it? It couldn't have anything to do with the fact that Buttsie knows how much he is hated on the Internet and he did not want to be responsible for more people logging on and finding out the truth about him, could it? The main issue is that YOU have no idea why I never wrote another article for them. The truth of the matter is that neither Buttsie, TC, Shanie or anyone else affiliated with MM2K would ever tell me what happened. They had Duchaine call me on the phone and tell me that my column was not going to be continued. I faxed them, e mailed them, called them and sent certified letters to get an answer, but no one there has ANY integrity to tell the truth."
"I just wanted to let you all of a little more of Bill Phillip's fuckedupedness. (I know, I just made up that word!) He had my Cyber Space column pulled because he was so paranoid about more people reading how fucked he is in mfw. I guess his thoughts on the situation were to burry his head in the sand and pretend that the Internet would dissapear with him not having a column about it. Well, Billy Boy, your problems have just gotten worse since you axed my column. People have called your bluff about HMB and now this disgusting Danny Hester bullshit. I think that your prosperity is going to wane in the months to come."
Incidently, the article did suck, real bad! If you don't believe me take a look at MM2K No. 48 February 1996 pg 72 and you'll see what I mean. It is the only article I have ever read that ends: "Thanks and talk to ya soon!!!" - say what???!
As you can see, Bert's loyality lies where the cash is - not too ethical is it? So we have a case of a guy bitter because he had his ass fired from EAS. If Phillips is "one of the sleaziest pricks in the world!," why the fuck would you take a job working for him? What a hypocrite! I think you'll agree that Bert has a wee bit of a grudge against Bill, and of course, a reason to hate him. I mean, wouldn't you be pissed if you got fired and humiliated, only to see your boss getting richer and richer before your very eyes! Now you understand his hatred! It has nothing to do with BP's morals or ethics, just plain jealousy and spite. It seems Bert develops affection for whoever provides him with wages enough to stave off the need for food stamps. Keep this in mind when we talk about...
Bert's Whoring for Testosterone.net
It's common knowledge that Bert's opinions of products and companies are heavily influenced be whoever signs his pay check, but even I was surprised by the shameless manner in which Bert attempted to promote test.net's supplement line soon after they made him a regular contributor. First, lets examine some of Bert's opinion in his "pre-sellout whore" days:
"The only worthwhile supplements are whey protein, creatine and a good multivitamin"
"I know I'll get some shit for this but the way I see it meal replacements are the next biggest scam after growth hormone releasers"
"Supplements make maybe a 2% difference at most"
You get the idea Bert was pretty anti-supplement/pro-drug use: well he used to be. Now he sings a different tune, though:
"Tribex 500 gave me woodies like I was 14 again!!!" "It had a definite affect on my balls"
"I noticed more acne when using it (hinting that it increases testosterone) "I definitely give Tribex a thumbs up"
"People are going apeshit over Powerdrive!"
"GROW! (test.net's new meal replacement) tastes like Dairy Queen!! I've been using two servings a day and I pay for my own GROW!"
What makes Bert's pitches for test.net particularly pathetic and unconvincing it the fact that Biotest (the brand name of test.net's supplement line) is a complete ripoff of Bert's old enemy EAS -- both with regard to product and marketing strategies. I wonder why the double standard? Hint: It may be the fact that test.net is currently PAYING the money desperate Bert.
Bert the hypocrite and fat-acceptance
Apparently writing shitty "rants" for test.net and playing jazz music next to an empty hat at busy intersection doesn't keep Bert occupied all day. He seems to have plenty of spare time on his hands, enough so that he even has time to continuously flame the newsgroup soc.support.fat-acceptance. Now, I'm not a big fan of the crowd from ssfa, and I know I would have a hard time accepting myself if I was a 300+ pound tub'o'shit, but Bert has exactly zero room to criticize anyone who makes choices that adversely affect their health or appearance. I myself don't see a huge amount of difference between eating yourself into 350 pound mountain of obesity and abusing a smorgasbord of drugs until you're a 110 lb Marilyn Manson clone whose life is more dependent on machines than one of the borg from Star Trek. Besides, if you've ever seen a picture of Bert's woman, Yvette, then you would know that he should get his own house in order before criticizing others.
Training Advice from a Champ?
Bert was a national level competitive bodybuilder so it would stand to reason that he would know more about building a great body than the average gym goer who has never stepped onstage, right? Wrong. Bert's bodybuilding success stemmed from drug abuse and GREAT genetics according to him:
--he could bench 225 in 7th grade while "not
caring about strength,
--naturally hovers around 7 percent bodyfat,
--has a bone structure that makes him look 15-20 pounds heavier than he actually is ect, ect.
Bert's admitting to having nowhere near normal genetics doesn't stop him from preaching advice to natural and normal genetic trainees. I'm not going to go into great detail about bert's training philosophies but he believes that:
"No carb diets are for wannabees -- none of the pro's use them"
"Andros suck, use 'roids instead"
"Ephedrine sucks for dieting -- mostly just an anoretic"
"HIT is for pussies -- everyone who uses it is weak as shit"
And so he blathers on and on. Bert seems to be down on everything that works well for those with normal genetics who choose to be drug free. I guess it's easy to see how a drug abusing, genetically gifted athlete like Bert Schuh (also never hesitant to break the law) wouldn't be impressed by anything less than tremendous results. Unless, of course Biotest is somehow involved, then the acceptance bar gets lowered to barely noticable results.

[Kristallin01]

Who cares? This is not misc.fitness.weights, this is
rec.music.makers.percussion. Here we talk about drums, and people like you are
considered trolls by the majority of the people here. Besides, we're interested
in how Rob (who you fondly refer to as "Bert") plays, not what he
takes/took/will take, or what he says or has said about any bodybuilder. If you
have nothing to contribute, don't post.

P.S. I find muscles unerotic ;-)

[fan_de_ranger]

"Kristallin01" <krista...@cs.com> wrote in message
news:20000804180618...@ng-co1.news.cs.com...

> Who cares? This is not misc.fitness.weights, this is
> rec.music.makers.percussion. Here we talk about drums, and people like you
are
> considered trolls by the majority of the people here. Besides, we're
interested
> in how Rob (who you fondly refer to as "Bert") plays, not what he
> takes/took/will take, or what he says or has said about any bodybuilder.
If you
> have nothing to contribute, don't post.
>
> P.S. I find muscles unerotic ;-)
>

What's even more pathetic is that this troll spent so much time to write
this about Schuh. Get a life trollie!

Rob

[13612(Bill Ray)]

I will contribute nothing to this, as I am already trolled enough.

--

- -
Best Regards,
13612
Bill Ray
www.billraydrums.com
Proud father to Xairan Aedn Ray
7/23/00

" Well, you know, drums are conversational. You're just trying to keep the
conversation interesting. If you're constantly thinking about what you're
saying, and not listening, then it suffers."

"fan_de_ranger" <nos...@twcny.rr.com> wrote in message
news:HdIi5.5566$Lp3.1...@typhoon.nyroc.rr.com...

>
> "Kristallin01" <krista...@cs.com> wrote in message
> news:20000804180618...@ng-co1.news.cs.com...

> > Who cares? This is not misc.fitness.weights, this is
> > rec.music.makers.percussion. Here we talk about drums, and people like
you
> are
> > considered trolls by the majority of the people here. Besides, we're
> interested
> > in how Rob (who you fondly refer to as "Bert") plays, not what he
> > takes/took/will take, or what he says or has said about any bodybuilder.
> If you
> > have nothing to contribute, don't post.
> >
> > P.S. I find muscles unerotic ;-)
> >
>

[Michel]

Are we supposed to find any of this of interest? Why don't you get a
job in a tabloid newspaper? they may be intersted in your gossips, we
are not!

--
Michel

-- We get old too soon and smart too late --

Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.

[Dan Murphy]

I don't even bother to read them anymore. he's just wasting his time.
-dan