Corny Musical Jokes (If you know any, post em' here as well..)
ES175_Player
hope I didn't have too many senior moments writing this. If you've got
some good musical jokes why not post them on this thread as well, and
share them with the group.)
So anyway, Barney Kessel sees this ad in Variety - "Guitar player
wanted - must be able to play all styles - Salary $5 million. Call
555-5309 for an apppointment/audition."
So he calls for the audition, gets an appointment. Barney goes to the
audition. Turns out, its at Sony; they are looking for a studio player,
needs to able to play anything/anytime. They ask Barney, can you play
"Layla" ? Barney plays the first couple of bars, the studio guys are
satisfied. They continue, "We know you got the whole jazz thing down,
but can you play any country." Barney starts playing some country
licks, goes into a version of Orange Blossom Special, like you've never
heard. The studio guys are amazed. they say, OK, there's one more
thing. Can you play a classical guitar? Barney is like, wow, I got this
nailed, I started on classical. That's my thing.
He picks up the classical, starts playing a Bach two-part invention,
slides his hand up the neck for some high notes, and the studio guys
tell him, "Thanks alot, we'll give you a call." Barney is perplexed.
What did I do wrong, he asks? Well, it's that squeaky noise your hand
made when you slid up the neck. We just can't have that. Barney says,
"That's a natural part of guitar playing. Heck even Segovia did that.
John Williams does that."
That studio guys just shake their collective heads and say:
WE KNOW. THEY DIDN'T GET THE GIG EITHER!
ES175_Player
(Okay...One more and I'll stop...I Promise)
C, E Flat and G walk into a bar...
The bartender takes one look at E Flat and says..
"Get the Hell out of here.. No Minors allowed"..
(ES175 Player ducks amid the Groans and runs out of the room)
kitekrazy
Their personality.
dave@redstone
this one.
This business man was highly stressed out and went to his doc. The doc
told him he had to take some time off and relax. So he went to a
Caribbean island. Got off the plane and heard this drumming.
Everywhere he went, he kept hearing the drumming.
He asked the concierge about the drumming: "is this normal"? he says.
The concierge says " Oh yes, drums good, drums stop..very bad"
So all nite long the drums droned on. Finally he drifted off to sleep.
Well rested, he woke up, had breakfast and, used to the drums by then,
noticed that they suddenly stopped. He called to the waitor: "the
drums have stopped. What does that mean?"
The waiter answered:
"yes drums stop, very bad..........
now, bass solo"
dave
p.s. what's the difference between a carburetor and a saxophone?
ans: you can tune a carburetor
St. John Smythe
> C, E Flat and G walk into a bar...
> The bartender takes one look at E Flat and says..
> "Get the Hell out of here.. No Minors allowed"..
...so the C and G had a fifth between them.
--
St. John
"My Doctor says I have A.D.D... He just doesn't understand. It's not
like... Hey! Look at that chicken!"
rhan...@comcast.net
Barney Kessel was playing a jazz fest in Scotland. It was a nice venue
-- located in an historic old Scottish castle dating back to -- well,
old. Though many people didn't seem to know him, after his set, Barney
received much applause from the crowd and as he was leaving the stage
overheard two Scottish ladies talking -- saying they just loved 'Barney
Kessel'. Barney went over to thank them for their sentiments ...
saying 'I overheard you what you said...' They responded, no, we said
we just love this 'bonnie castle'.
OK, maybe not LOL, but I did smile .
Roger Houston
A: Nobody knows, it's never been done.
SP
An eighty year old Cockney guy walks into a London pub where another
chap is playing the piano. He shuffles up to the pianist and asks him
if he'd accompany him if he sang a song. The pianist takes pity on the
old guy and says yes.
"Do you know 'Life is Just a Bowl of Cherries' ?" the old chap asks.
"Yes"
"E flat?"
"Yes"
"5/4 time?"
"5/4 time????????" Replies the pianist. " 'Life is Just a Bowl of
Cherries' is in 4/4, common time!"
"Well," the old guy insisted, "I do it in 5/4 !"
"OK, then. You start I'll follow."
The old guy stands up straight, clears his throat and starts to sing:
"Life is just a bowl of f***ing cherries.........."
St. John Smythe
--
St. John
<ducks and runs>
Mark Kleinhaut
Singer to bandleader: Let's play "Fly Me to the Moon", I just love
that tune.
Bandleader says: Ok, we'll start out with a freeform intro in Ab while
you do a polytonal bit of scatting in Bb, then we'll hit the head on
cue in Eb, but in 7/4 time. When we get to the second half we'll drop
back to the key of C and go into 3/4 time. Solos wil stay in C at 4/4
time but for the outhead we go down a half step to B and vamp out in
5/4. Oh and the las chord of the song will be back in Eb where we
started, OK?
Singer: That arrangement is rediculous, nobody could possibly follow
all those curve balls!
Bandleader: Whatdaya mean? That's EXACTLY how you sang it last night?
Also from Brad:
Q. How many singers does it take to sing "Summertime"?
A. Apparently, all of them!
wildhogrider
Put a chart in front of him!
How do you get a keyboard player to turn down?
Take his chart away!
How do you make a million dollars playing jazz?
Start with TWO million!
This guitar player took a lesson from a bass player. The bassist called him
a few days later and asked if he wanted another lesson the following week.
The guitar player said "Can't make it I have a bass gig"
What do you call a musician who has broken up with his girlfriend?
Homeless!
ric...@gmail.com
A: A flat miner :-)
Q: What is the definition of "perfect pitch"?
A: When you throw an accordion into a dumpster and it hits a banjo....
;-)
...richie
dougw...@gmail.com
started a war!
Anyway...
What do you call a trombone player with a cell phone?
An optomist.
--
What do you call a thousand trombone players at the bottom of the
ocean?
A good start.
--
reso...@hotmail.com
This budding young sax player moves to London, England hoping to get a
break in the music biz, maybe a pit job in a theatre in the West End or
something. He auditions every day but nobody gives him a call.
Finally, running short of money, he moves into a little third-floor
flat on a back street and is sitting patiently, waiting for someone to
call for a gig.
At length, he's getting extremely depressed over his situation and just
sits brooding over his bad fortune. He throws open the sash with the
full intention of hurling himself to the pavement below and ending it
all. As he opens the window, he can't help but notice a rainbow in the
distance and a little bird sitting on his windowsill, singing it's
heart out.
Heartened by the little bird's cheery disposition, the guy gets out his
sax and stands at the window and plays out, "Some...where over the
rainbow, Way up high etc. etc." He's completely taken by the serenity
of the scene, bluebird, rainbow, and all, and plays as he's never
played before! But, when he gets to the chorus,... he forgets the
melody! Stone cold blank! Not a clue!
So he starts playing again
.
"Somewhere over the rainbow,Way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow Why then, oh why can't I?"
By now, people down on the street have heard his soulful playing and
have gathered 'round, gazing up to here him play. There are murmurings
of approval and applause floating up to him at the window. But once
again, when he gets to the chorus..., nothing!
He's in a panic! Here he is, playing as he's never played before,
people are digging what he's doing and he can't remember the melody!
So he starts yet again. "Somewhere over the rainbow,Way up high, etc.
etc," but when he gets to the chorus, still nothing! By now the people
down below are muttering to themselves and turning away. So here he he
is; gone from the heights of elation at having an audience to the
depths of despair because he can't remember the chorus.
Casting aside his saxophone, he hurls himself out the window and onto
the pavement below. As he's laying there in a broken and crumpled heap,
someone calls an ambulance. Waaay far in the distance, you can here the
ambulance siren....
(This is where you need imagination. Remember that this is in England.
Think of the sound that English ambulances make... To add insult to
injury, it's also the melody to the chorus of "Somewhere... over the
rainbow)
.
Mark Kleinhaut
> ocean?
>
> A good start.
>
Eh? Wanna pick on bone players? Here's one"
-What do you call a beatiful girl on the arm of a trombone player?
-A tattoo.
Joey Goldstein
Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road
and a dead trombone player in the middle of the road?
A. The skunk was on his way to a gig.
--
Joey Goldstein
http://www.joeygoldstein.com
joegold AT sympatico DOT ca
Joey Goldstein
A. A minor second.
Not musical, but certainly corny, I've always gotten a kick out of this one:
A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew walk into a bar.
The bar tender says: "What is this, a joke?"
Derek
Or about the time the jazz guitar guy got his car broken into. Theives
took both guitars, and amp, left a curious box. Yep, you guessed it,
accordian.
bob r
nos...@nowhere.net wrote on 8/23/06 4:41 PM:
> Q. What do you call two flute players playing a unison?
>
> A. A minor second.
>
>
> Not musical, but certainly corny, I've always gotten a kick out of this one:
>
> A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew walk into a bar.
> The bar tender says: "What is this, a joke?"
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, buddy - why the long face?"
--
Bob Russell
Web - http://www.bobrussellguitar.com
CDs - http://www.cdbaby.com/all/bobrussell
Soundclick - http://www.soundclick.com/bobrussell
federico
What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)...
Chain Saw:
1. A chain saw has a dynamic range.
2. You can turn a chain saw off.
South American Macaw:
One is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other is a bird.
Harley Davidson Motorcycle:
You can tune a Harley.
Onion:
No one cries when you cut up a banjo.
Trampoline
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Uzi
An uzi only repeats thirty times.
And finally (press roll...)
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
By their names...
bob r
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the dead old guy on the inside.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The keyboard player does it with his left hand.
How many singers does it take to sing "Summertime"?
Apparently, all of them.
Jaco
Quite a number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing
Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Katims...
Now at this point, you must understand two things:
(1) There's a quite long segment in this symphony where the
bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note
for page after page...
(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across
the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather favored
by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this peformance, after the bass players
had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to
quietly
lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their
stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across
the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first
couple rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully
embarrassing if we were late."
Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first
place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so
I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he
gets down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down
while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with
the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a
little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at
their conductor's face told them there were in serious trouble.
Katims was frantic! And why not?
After all...
It was the bottom of the Ninth,
the basses were loaded,
and the score was tied.
Roger Houston
The viola burns a bit longer.
Des Higgins
"SP" <sp...@ntlworld.com> wrote in message
news:1156345773.0...@75g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
That took me a while to get.
Paul
announces: "that was a tune I wrote called 'I love you so much I sh*t in my
pants'. Next I'll play an uptempo piece called "go f**k yourself, you idiot"
The audience is a bit stunned, but in awe of his musical talent. He then
takes a break and on the way out of the bathroom back to the piano, the
owner notices he forgot to "finish" something and says "do you know your
zipper's open and your pr**k and b*lls are hanging out?" "Know it?" he
says."I wrote it!"
Paul K.
Ken Lloyd
What do you call a trombone player without a girlfriend?
homeless
"ES175_Player" <rharr...@houston.rr.com> wrote in message
news:1156308557.4...@75g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
> (Here's an old joke I heard years back.
ric...@gmail.com
[...]
> A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew walk into a bar.
> The bar tender says: "What is this, a joke?"
Here is a slight variation:
A Priest and a Minister walked into a bar. The Rabbi ducked.
...richie
Jaco
Beethoven's Grave
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears some music. No one is around,
so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin
and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads: Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes
that the music is the Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backwards!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with
him. By the time they arrive back at
the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony,
but like the previous piece, it is
being played in reverse. Curious, the men agree to consult a music
scholar. When they return with the
expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The expert
noticed that the symphonies were being
played in the reverse order in which they were penned, the 9th, then
the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around
the grave. They are all listening to
Beethoven's Second Symphony, also being played backwards. Just then,
the graveyard's caretaker ambles
up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation
for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "Beethoven's
DECOMPOSING!!"
roo7flat5
was the star attraction at a clinic in Japan. The students were all
eager, and after playing many standards on request, he asked if anyone
wanted to hear some other tune. A timid voice requested...'Prease pray
jazz chord'... The request was a little unusual,but our virtuoso deftly
fingered an exotic chord that he thought would make the punters gasp in
rapt admiration..which most did, except the requester. 'No,no...nice,
but pray jazz chord..prease...' Several mind-boggling finger stretches
followed, and as the shimmering notes faded, the obviously unimpressed
student said...'No..no...like this'....and he sang...'I jazz chord to
say I rove you.....'
And the ventriloquist, I hear you all asking? Well seeing I couldn't
easily work it into the music joke, and while were on cultural
stereotypes...A renowned ventriloquist was touring rural New Zealand,
and after taking in the magnificent scenery, he came across a laconic
Kiwi cocky..er, farmer, for you northern hemisphere types... on a
country road, accompanied by a sheep,his faithful dog, and and a
horse..He struck up a conversation, and after the usual small talk, he
said, 'Nice animals...mind if I talk to the dog?'...The man shrugged his
shoulders, but was clearly taken aback when the dog,a dead ringer for
the one in Footrot Flats, appeared to be answering a question on how his
master treated him...'Good, mate...he gives me regular feeds, a warm
bed, doesn't work me too hard, and gives me a bitch now and again...'
For added impact, the tourist now turned to the horse and said,...'G'day
horse, does he look after you as well...' 'Can't complain mate, he gives
me fresh hay, carrots for treats, a few fillies, and lets me watch old
Mr Ed reruns on a tv in my stable...I'd have to say he's an very
affectionate master..'
The Kiwi was a bit rattled by now, and before the tourist could draw
breath, he exclaimed...'Don't talk to the sheep..its a bloody liar!'
In the Kiwi version, the conversation takes place in rural Australia.
Here's that same cocky and talking animals...
http://felixtakach.com/images/toyotaad.mpg
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/32732/toyota_bugger?filters=5
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5804307040679427652
tom walls
--
Tom Walls
the guy at the Temple of Zeus
Muggsy
My doctor told me to drink liquor one hour before bedtime. I tried for
45 minutes, but I just couldn't hold any more.
My doctor gave me a perscription. It says "Take one pill three times
daily." We all know that's impossible.
And Bob Hope:
A guy goes to his doctor and the doctor tells him, "Because of your
weak heart, you have to stop having sex. If you have sex it will kill
you."
So the guy goes home to his wife and tells her what the doctor told
him, "So to be on the safe side, I think I'd better sleep downstairs on
the couch tonight."
Well, halfway through the night he's getting so worked up he can hardly
stand it and he decides, "what the hell," and starts climbing the
stairs to the bedroom. Halfway up he meets his wife.
"I was just coming upstairs to commit suicide." he says.
"That's funny," she replies, "I was just coming down to kill you."
Jaco
Musician Jokes (recently seen on a recording studio bulletin board)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison? Shoot one of
them.
What's the definition of a minor second? Two flutes playing in unison.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? Nobody cries when
you
chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take
your
shoes off when you jump on a trampoline.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dash board? So that they
can
park in handicapped zones.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax? You can
tune
the lawn mower. Also, the owner's neighbors get upset if you borrow
the
lawn mower and don't return it.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? Five.
One
to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sandborn would
have
done it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions; an
in-tune tenor sax player, and out-of-tune sax player or Santa Claus?
The
out-of-tune sax player. The other two are figments of your
imagination.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Five.
One
to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have
done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Put your hand in
the
bell and miss a lot of notes.
What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play
the
trombone but doesn't.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist and a dead country
singer
in the road? The country singer may have been on the way to a
recording
session.
What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm.
What's a tuba for? 1 1/2" x 3 1/2".
Why do drummers have a half ounce more of brains than horses? So they
don't disgrace themselves in the parade.
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A drummer.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None (they have
machines that do that now.)
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? You only
have
to punch the information into the machine once.
What does a timpanist say when he gets his gig? Would you like fries
with
that, sir?
What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test? Drool.
What's the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison
strings.
Why are pianists fingers like lightening? They rarely strike the same
spot
twice.
Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? Both are offensive and
inaccurate.
What do violinists use as birth control? Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit back and don't play.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog? The dog knows when
to
stop scratching.
How do you get a violist to play a downbow staccato? Put a tenuto mark
over a whole note and mark it solo.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola? The cello burns
longer.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to twenty minutes? So you
don't
have to retrain the cellists.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a peg and
wouldn't tell him which one.
A bass player we know was so bad that even the section noticed.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None. The
piano player can do that with his left hand.
What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? Most musicians
have
never been in a Porsche.
How do you know if a soprano is at your front door? She can't find the
key
and doesn't know when to come in.
How does a soprano change a light bulb? She just holds it and the
world
revolves around her.
What the difference between a soprano and the P.L.O.? You can
negotiate
with the P.L.O.
What's the difference between a dress maker and an alto? The dress
maker
tucks up the frills.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end it
would
be a good idea.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean? A start.
Why would you want ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean? Because
deep
down they are alright.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which
will
hit the ground first? Who cares?
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The
sack.
What's brown and black and looks good on a conductor? A Doberman.
Why are conductor's hearts coveted for transplants? They've had so
little
use.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him a sheet of
music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? When
you
plug them in, they suck.
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? One, two,
three,
one, two, three.
What's the difference between a bull and a band? The bull has the
horns
in the front and the ass in back.
Generally speaking, how late does the band play? About a half beat
behind
the drummer.
How do you know if it's a trombonist at the door? "Pizza!"
Mike Pearson <see .sig>
throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking
agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in
Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my
card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with
the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed
hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It
took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into
Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way.
Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He
found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small
coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and
shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was
Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face
brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time--I need you for a gig
tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your
equipment." "But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?" "No time--don't
worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared. Ed arrived in the market at
7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians,
who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30
sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas
glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted
his arm for the downbeat. "Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?"
Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just
give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13."
--
Mike KD7PVT
NAR #70953 - Sr/HPR Level-1 ~ BEMRC - NAR Section #627
NO Junk Email, please! Real email to: amphoto [at] blarg [dot] net.
<WANTED: Experienced Kamikaze Pilot>