Ajit jokes
Ganesh Vaidee
Is there a ftp site where I can find 'Ajit - the loin king' jokes.
Thanx a bunch. Email to gan...@tfs.com
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My comments - /* :-) */
Mahesh Ramchandani
I don't know of any such site but here are a couple of jokes....
1. Robert and Ajit went to the jungle to hunt for some "loins".
In a little while the encountered a peacock.
Robert:(pointing to the bird) "Boss! Wahan ek mor hai!"
Ajit: (shoots the peacock) "Raburt! Ub yeh no mor hai!"
2. Robert under Ajit's order is torturing the hero (say "Vijay) for
information but the hero seems pretty resilient to blows.
Robert:(exhausted) "Boss! Vijay par atyachar ka koi asar nahin..."
Ajit: "Ise Champagne pila... Shame se nahin to pain se kaam hoga!"
Mahesh
Hetav Dave
DUnno the FTP site but I have the complete list, enjoy them
Raaaaaaaaaaaaabert iss kuttay ko microprocessor may daal do !
Bit by bit mur jaaya gaa saala!
Raaaaaaaaaaaaabert iss harami ko liquid oxygen may daal do !
Liquid issay jeenay nahi day gaa, oxygen issay marnay nahi day gaa!
Raaabatt, Dayna (Diana) to thoda khatta khila do, yeh
dayna se daynasour bhi ho jayegi, phir extinct bhi...
Raabatt, isey thodi shampane pila do, paheley shame sey,
phir pane sey mar jayegaa...
Raabatt, isey peekak paisan pila do, yeh phir more sey
no-more ho jayegaa...
Mona daarrling, tum Toni ke saath ghuumana band kar do,
nahin to bahut MonaToni ho jayegee...
evreebaady, the paasswurd is now legs..Mona daarling spread
the word around.." !!!!!
"Raaabert, Harshad Mehta the Bull ka stool test karaao"
"Kyon boss?"
"Pata to chale akhir ye Bullshit kya hota hai"
Baas : Maikal, ise liquid helium mein daal ke 440 V pass kar do. Phir
yeh superconductor ban jaayega, aur zindagi bhar ticket kaat-ta
reh jaayega.
Maikal : Baaas, yeh aadmi to kuch bol hi nahin raha hai. Kya karen ?
Baas : Ise revaalving chair mein daal do. Pata chal jaayega chakkar
kya hai.
Raaabert : Boss , Sona kahan hai ? ( Where is the Gold ? )
Boss : Kahin par bhi so jao Raabert !!
WORST OF AJIT'S PHATTAS - PLAY IN ONE ACT
WARNING: If Narayan Raja and Hemendra Godbole can do it, so can
I ! What follows is a compendium of some of the most contrived,
most punchless phattas of all time. What do you expect ? This
ain't no rec.humor.funny. The post is in ajitish (an Indo-Aryan
language which is part hindi, part english and part grunt) and a
sort of a translation is provided at the end.
SCENE
Ajit's den. A variety of people such as the hero and the heroine
and assorted associates of the good people are tied to various
objects. Ajit and his balding, foreign looking henchmen are
making final preparations.
AJIT: "Raabert, isko Electric Chair mein bandh do, aur apna Cray
computer ko 'aan' kar ke Superconducting cable se nooclear
bijlee chalaado, aur ..."
RAABERT: "Rukho boss, yeh to already tickeled to death...."
AJIT: "Aur woh saala, doosra sonafabitch bhi hai. Usko rassi se
baandh kar apna loyen aur leyopard (lion and leopard) ke pinjra
mein daal do. Un jaanvaron ko bhi high fiber diet mil jayega.
Apna loyen bhi dandyloyen hai."
"Nahin, Raabert, on second thought, isko Middle Eastern
restaurant le chalo. Magar Falafil sandwich math khilao.
'Humous' khilao aur khane ke baath post-humous ho jayega."
"Ab to Hero saabka mauka hai. Raabert, time bomb le ao. Apna
Hero saabko time bomb ke saath bandh do. Timer ko teek das bajhe
set kar do. nahin nahin. Yeh to saala sub cheez hamesha late
karta hai. Iska mauth bhi late hone do. Timer ko panch minute
late rakh do. Arre, Raabert, Raabert, bevkoof, silly fellow,
time bomb ko yahan peh math rakho, yeh to 'no-smoking' area hai.
Ha haa ha. Time bomb 'tic tic tic tic' karke bajega. Aur iska
dil 'tup tup tup' karke dhatakega. Tum agar paas me khade hoge
to tereko 'tic tup tic tup tic tup' suanaai dega"
RAABERT: "Magar Baaaass, woh to quartz digital ghadi hai. Tic
tic tic nahin karegi. Battery se chalti hai".
AJIT: "Arre, pagla, yeh to 'assault and battery' thodi hai. Jaake
cuckoo ghadi leke aao. Bomb ke saath cuckoo bhi mar jayega aur
yeh ulloo bhi mar jaayega. Two birds in one stone."
AJIT: "Mona daarrling, tum nahane jao. Michael tum bhi saath
jao. Aur mere King Cobra ko lekar uske daanth ki safai bhi kar
do."
"Mona daaling, tum Tony ke saath math jao. Agar jaogi to tum,
MonaTony ho jaogi. Lisa ke saath jao aur MonaLisa ban jao. Lisa
daaarrling. Come here baby. Abhey Micheal, idhar aa jao. In
babiyon ko lekar apne estate bungalow pahuncho."
"Ha ha ha, Heroine Roopa baby. Verry beautiful ho. Sharabhi
aankhen, gulabi chehra, tezaabi jeans. Ha ha. Ab tujhe bachaane
ke liye tera pyaara hero nahin aayega. Baby, dekhne ko bilkul
'Barbie Doll' lag rahi ho. Tujhe ^%$#*& karke cabbage patch doll
bana doonga"
HEROINE: "Chod do mujhe, kuthe, kamine....."
AJIT: "Ha ha, Miss Roopa dear, naaraaz math ho. Nacho. UMMM,
nacho, abhi NACHO"
HEROINE: "Disco ya Bharatnatyam ya Doritos brand corn nachos ?"
AJIT: "Verry hoshiar baby, ha ha, Raaabert, isko Great Wall of
China le jaakar phansi mein laga do, great 'wall hanging' ban
jayegi"
"Arre, yeh budiya kaun hai. Hellooo meri beautiful senior
citizen, how are you my pyarri golden girl, daarrling"
OLD WOMAN: "Chi, Besharam, mere paas math aao. Hey Ram, mujhe
bachao. Mera beta Inspector Vijay tum sub ko ek ek karke...."
AJIT: "Is ex-Miss India ko Middle East lekar maar daalo. Marne
ke baath bhi will not rest in peace. Nahin to Hemendra Godbole
ka crossword puzzle ka anagram clue de do, uska 'real fun' se
'funeral' ho jayega."
"Arre Raaabert, woh kaun hai, bandhi hui hai. Dekhne me suchmuch
Britain ki Maharani lag rahi hai. Oy, kaun ho tum. Kya naam hai
tumhara. Jawab nahin degi. Muh mein kya hai ?"
RAABERT: "Baaaasss, woh tu hero ka ghoda, Billoo, baass"
AJIT: "Shut up Raabert, main sub jhanta hoon. Magar I wanted to
get it straight out of the horse's mouth. Ha ha haa. Yeh dekho
--- 'dishooom' 'disshhooom' --- bechara Billoo mar gaya.
Raabert, Yeh hai the actual horse's 'mauth'."
"Michael maal laaye ho ? Raabert helicopter tayyaar hai? Peter,
tera Principle laaye ho ? Chotu chai tayyaar hai ? Ek cup chai le
aao, with cream and brown sugar."
RAABERT: "Baass, tragedy ho gaya, apna helicopter mein to teen
blade mein to ek missing. Sirf do blades hain. Rotor mein motor
nahin hai. Chaaron taraf police hai. Ab kya karen baass"
AJIT: "Arre, crrrybaby Raabert, Pant ke neeche sari pahne ho
kya, Udhar dekho, ped ke neeche mera naya Stealth Bomber kada
hai. Usme jayenge. Abhey Mike, taarmac mein Bigmac math kha.
Raabert, police apne radar gun se plane ka peecha karegi.
Tum bhi apna radar tayyaar kar lo. Turbo charge karke radar se
tez chalao. Police ka radar rays ozone layer mein abosrb hokar
kumzor ho jaayega. Aur hum bhi mid-air mein refuel karke turant
London pahunch jaayenge"
"Yeh dekho, hero Vijay aur heroine Roopa, poor bastards. Mauth
ki intezaar kar rahen hai. Raabert, Inko dekh kar ek cheez
yaad aa raha hai. Mard ki zindagi bilkul chuhe ki zindagi jaise
hai. Chuhe ki duniya mein bhi Mickey Mouse hota hai aur Minnie
Mouse bhi hoti hai. Mickey aur Minnie ke beech mein muhabbat
hai, pyaar hai, gaana hai, naach hai. Aur ek din Ajit naam ki
billi aa jaati hai aur khel katham. Magar Raaaabert, mard aur
mouse mein ek pharak hai"
RAABERT: "Woh kyaa hai baaaasss ?"
AJIT: "Kuch mardon ko 'Mousiji' hoti hai, magar mouse ko
kabhi 'mardji' nahin hoti."
OLD WOMAN: "Rukho, Ajit, tum Inspector Vijay ke bhai ho. Kai
saal pahle Kumbh mela mein tum kho gaye the. Tum aur tumhara bhai
Vijay, tum donom triplets ho."
AJIT: "Yeh, bhudiya kya bolti hai? Tereko kaisa maloom hai ?"
OLD WOMAN: "Main Vijay ki Ma nahin hoon. Maine kabhi shaadhi
nahin ki. Such mein, main tumhari padosi thi. Gabbar ke aadmine
tumhare maa baap ko maar daala. Aur uske baath main tum aur
Vijay ko paal rahi thi"
AJIT: "Yeh kaisa maaloom pada ki main Ajit hoon"
OLD WOMAN: "Tum bachpan se hi phatte maar rahe the. Jab tum
cchote the, tum mujhe pyaar se 'Lattu champion' bhulaya karte
the. kyoonki mai subse badi 'spinster' thi......."
At this point the air is riddled with cries of 'Bhaiya'.
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Raabert gets a sidey to Ajeet
Raabert: Baass, humne sidey ko pakad liya
Ajeet: Ise maar ke pulees station ke saamne rakh do. Aur iske badan par
ek sui
chubha do.
Raabert: Par sui kyon, baass!
Ajeet: Bewokoof! Pulees yeh samjhegi ki sui-cide hua hai!
***********************************************************************
Raabert gets another sidey to Ajeet
Raabert: Baass! Hum ne is sidey ko bhi pakad liya
Ajeet: Ise kabrastan mein le jao and vahan ise maar dalo
Raabert: Par kabrastan mein kyon, baass?
Ajeet: Bewakoof! Kabrastan mein le jaaoge to sidey dar jayega aur jab
pulees ko
iski laash milegi to yeh samjhenge ki mar-dar hua hai
***********************************************************************
Raabert: Baass, mere teen bacche hue. Unko kya naam doon?
Ajeet: Ek ka naam rakhna Peter, doosre ka Maikal aur teesre ka Cha Ling
Chu
Raabert: Par Cha Ling Chu kyoon
Ajeet: Bewakoof, every third child born is a Chink!
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Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.
Ajeet: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Raabert: Magar kyoon baas ?
Ajeet: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.
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Ajeet: Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur
debugger
istarrt kar do.
Raabert: Lekin kyoon, baas?
Ajeet: Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.
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Ajeet: Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?
Raabert: Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai.
Ajeet: Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone
milana.
Raabert: Yes Boss.
Ajeet: (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa
hamare
kabze mein hai .......
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Scene: Ajeet comes to know about the traitor in his gang.
Ajeet: Raabert, ise ShamePain mein daal tho, agar Shame se nahi mara
to Pain se mar jayega.
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Scene: Giving a decision as to how the hero should be killed.
Ajeet: Peter, time bomb le aao aur is saale ko usse bandh do. Timer
ko
teek das bajhe set kar do. Nahin nahin, yeh saala to sub cheez
hamesha late karta hai. Iska mauth bhi late hona chahiye.
Timer ko
panch minute late rakh do. Arre, Raabert, Raabert, bevkoof,
silly
fellow, time bomb ko yahan peh math rakho, yeh to 'no-smoking'
area
hai. Ha haa ha. Time bomb 'tic tic tic tic' karke bajega. Aur
iska
dil 'tup tup tup' karke dhatakega. Tum agar paas me khade hoge
to tumko 'tic tup tic tup tic tup' suanaai dega"
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Ajeet: Rabert! isko eraser se maar do, yeh mar bhi jayega aur mit
bhi jayega
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Raabert: Boss! Aaap ko kaun si teen chiz sabse jahyahda pasand hein
boss?
Ajeet: Ek Mona, Doosra Sona, aur Tisra, Mona ke saath Sona
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Peter: Boss? Sona kahan hei?
Ajeet: Tum chahe jahan bhi sona, lekin mujhe to Mona darling ke saath
sona!
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Scene: Ajeet is pissed off at one of his henchmen.
Ajeet: Log mujhe Lawyan ke naam se jaante hein. Tumne phir bhi
gaddari ki?
Maikal, iske ek haath mein HMT ki ghadi phanah do, aur doosre
haath mein Titan ki.
Maikal: Boss, lekin yeh to gaddar hei?
Ajeet: Jaanta huhn Micheal. Par iseh bataana hei ki yeh ab Do ghadi
ka
mehmaan hei.
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Raabert: Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Rawbert! Ise pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid ise
jeene
nahi dega, aur oxygen ise marne nahi dega.
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Peter: Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Peter! Is saale ko super-conductor me daal do, saala bus mein
ticket dete-dete kabhi nahi thakega.
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Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet: "Raabert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur
finish
bhi ho jaayega.
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Bob: Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai.
Ajeet: Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padegak.!
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Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet: "Raabert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal doo.
Saale ko
Society isse jeene nahin degea aur security isse marne nahin
degea.
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Scene: Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a
hole
and water starts coming inside. Raabert is perplexed !
Raabert: Boss ab kya hoga ??
Ajeet: Raabert Ek aur hole bana do , aur ek hole me IN aur doosre me
out
lik do . Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur doosre se bahar
chale
jayega !!
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Scene: Ajeet is worried about something. Robert is facing him.
Ajeet: Shanker kaal bahuth bada maal Versova beach per aane wala
hain.
A pause.
Tum chootti le lo.
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Scene: Raabert had triplet and comes to the "Boss".....
Raabert: Boss, mera teen bachche ka keya naam shoche hein aap?
Ajeet: Ek Naam rakhkho, Peter, Repeater aur Wang Chung.
Raabert: Teesra ka naam "Wang Chung" kiu boss???!!!
Ajeet: Beokuf, tumhe malum nehi...is prithwi me har teesra bachcha
Chinese hota hai.
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Ajeet: Raabert, iska bail kaa stool test karo.
Raabert: Stool, boss ?
Ajeet: Aakhir pataa chale ki ye bullshit kya cheez hai.
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Scene: Ajeet get's hold of his favourite hero & then directs his
chela.
Ajeet: Maikal, Is saale ke ek haath mein laal aur doosre haath mein
hara
rang laga do.
Maikal: Lekin kyon baas?
Ajeet: Bewakoof, itnaa bhi nahin jaanta? Jab pulice yehaan aayegi to
ise
range haathon pakad legi. he he he....
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--
Hetav Dave he...@morgan.ucs.mun.ca
he...@cs.mun.ca
Beer makes you smart .... well it made Bud Weiser!!!!!!