Forever Young

[jo]

Bob, why do you always have sex with me and like to cum inside me when I am drunk and passed out late at night at some wild party?

[jo]

On Saturday, October 25, 2014 4:48:07 AM UTC-7, jo wrote:
> Bob, why do you always have sex with me and like to cum inside me when I am drunk and passed out late at night at some wild party?

Oh Bob. You don't take me seriously. This Musicares thing, where people pay a hundred million dollars for front row seats. You don't care about me. You're too busy with you star-studded life to spend any *real* time with ME! What do you need me for anyway? :-(

hmmf.

[jo]

You know, there is all kinds of stuff on cable for free, like right now they are showing on On Demand a free Genesis concert, story, documentary thingy, and I can have first row seats, from the comfort of my living room or bedroom, if I felt like it, to this huge rock n' roll band, if I cared, but I don't.

All I care about is being with you, close with you, near to you, in your arms, in your heart, for as much and as long as possible!

COME BACK POOPUS!!!!!

[jo]

DOES THAT FREAK YOU OUT, YOU GREAT BIG WEIRDO?!?!?!?!

well, it shouldn't.

you're not weird. you're *cool*, and fun, and nice, and sweet, and special, (but not "special"), and i wish you weren't so damn shy. :)

[Jo]

hey bob, guess what? i bought season tickets at a superb discount rate with good seating for me n' auntie annie for all the plays coming up at mark taper and the ahmanson. it's good to get out for a change every now and then. it's fun! do you like plays? it's okay if you don't. there are LOTS of things we can do. right? :-/ :)?

[Jo]

i can sit next to you on your bus while you travel around the world singing your songs, if you want. :)

or pace around your bus with you.

either way. :)

[Jo]

gosh, i didn't realize so many members of the band were gone. (levon helm, yes, but that's it)

so sorry!

[Jo]

it's almost like i got all worried about sending bob a message, if he got it (?), and felt like there was stuff i should be saying, so i drank a lot of coffee to inspire me, help me get it out, and it sure did, it revved me up, but it was really hard to get it out, like pulling teeth, and i was so nervous about it, and STILL feel like there's more i should say, cuz i am so confused about some things (my email), because otherwise it's just so CRAZY.

sometimes i think i am the victim of my own imagination. and you can't really call it psychosis because it's so crazy that even a rational person would think, well, by golly, this has to be real!

i feel like i work so hard, *try so hard*, i hope bob is trying, too. :) :)?

[Jo]

i hope people don't mind...? when i drink a lot of coffee, and babble on and on and on in group. i hope they like it somehow. :)

[Jo]

ok, i reread my last two long threads. i like them. do you?

is this thing for real? are you guys really there?

i'm sorry your're embarrassed to be with me for real. :-(((

too much talk of vaginas and diarrhea! ew.

[Jo]

i could make it without you if i didn't feel so all alone...

[Jo]

Unlike Jamie Lee Curtis, I am fully and unremarkably regular without the assistance of any kind of dietary or medical supplements, thank you.

NTTAWWT. (well, you know what i mean)

[Jo]

This coffee isn't working.

[Jo]

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

[Jo]

Oooooh, I'm so proud of myself. I figured out how to fix my blocked plug-in on youtube!

I was downloading the Adobe thing, but not opening it. finally i figured it out! :-)

[Jo]

Bob, can i come over? :) (may i? pretty please! mother may i?)

[Jo]

On Saturday, October 25, 2014 1:51:02 PM UTC-7, Jo wrote:
> Bob, can i come over? :) (may i? pretty please! mother may i?)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TH3Ya2rpsdY

[Jo]

Bob, I have to ask you something.

Like you and me, together, for real, say traveling around the world, touring and sight-seeing, enjoying each other's company, etc... (or whatever).

Do you see that?!?!?!?!

Do you want me with you?!?!?!

Cuz if you don't, then I mean, I'm afraid you're never coming, cuz you like touring and want to keep doing that, think you have to keep doing that, to remain a legend, to stay happy, etc...

That would just make me so sad. I mean you sing, all the places we could roam togethER. like, ERrrr, I don't mean it, this is just a fantasy. That's how I always took it. It's not fair to me. :-(

[Jo]

am i being paranoid? :-(

i mean, honestly, i thought i didn't want to do that, because i have traveled so much, and my interest was in you, not roaming around the world.

maybe you were interested in me, too, but felt like you didn't deserve it, couldn't do it, stop being bob dylan, and just be my bob dylan, privately, at home, which is what i was focusing on, what i wanted. (i was focusing on you coming to me, and joining me in my bed. :)

bob, as much as you i really really really really just want you to be my bob dylan, i am resigned to the fact that lots of people want you to be their bob dylan, and doing a little both, home and away, traveling, is probably more rewarding and enriching than just sitting at home on our love couch. even though that's the best. :)

oh g-d, i am so sick of this shit.

it never ends, does it. same old shit, day after day after day.

i want to write something neat and original. oh well. :-(

[Jo]

i'm glad i got youtube working again. :)

hey, justin case was on pawn stars the day after i said it! did anybody catch that?

[Jo]

bob, did you really ask me to marry you, or is this thing like a whole big joke?

i mean, are you serious?

i'm worried the reality of wanting to give something to you, pass something along to you, is scaring the shit out of you.

and i'm so afraid that you will just ignore it or something, not respond.

this is like going to the concert in ontario, going to find out, is this thing really real, or is it all a big trick (the computer). (set list, etc..)

you did wiggle your butt at me, didn't you? or were you just wiggling to get the fuck out of there or something?

i am so worried that this is making you so uncomfortable and uncertain. i'm so sorry. otoh, i can't help but feel like, omg, am i the victim of this all-powerful ruthless rock star? (i know you're not ruthless, but you certainly are in control of the whole situation, insulating yourself from the outside world.

coincidence time.

[Jo]

)

[Jo]

Mr. Dylan? I find it hard to believe that you like me, love me, want to be with me, when I am droning on in negativity and pathos, day after day, coffee after coffee, without my endorphins, beans for brains (coffee).

But if you do, I guess I find that hard to understand. I don't see how it's very attractive. ?

[Jo]

OTOH, I don't see you running into my arms, so I guess that speaks for itself?

Bob, I think the main and perhaps ONLY source of my dissatisfaction comes from the fact that you are there and I am here. That pretty much sums it up, in a nutshell.

Cuz I was never like this before!

[Jo]

I was fully and wholly satisfied eating and watching TV, and if I ever got a little down or lost, or felt that life was meaningless and I should commit suicide, I'd just look at my beautiful dog, my precious baby, lying in comfort next to me on the bed, resting or waiting for me to drop food, and I'd decide that life was worth living.

[Jo]

This is Bobby Dylan as a little girl! :) (or is it too gay?)(it is catchy...)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLLSqpYyPD8

[Jo]

On Saturday, October 25, 2014 5:03:05 PM UTC-7, Jo wrote:
> This is Bobby Dylan as a little girl! :) (or is it too gay?)(it is catchy...)
>
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLLSqpYyPD8

i can't believe this is real. i am so afraid i am totally crazy. :-(((

i don't like thinking things that aren't true. :-(((

[Jo]

maybe dreams really do come true... :)?

[Jo]

i have a lot more qualifying to do about part 2, just in case. :-///

i love you so much, bob dylan. mr. dylan. i_love_you_so_much. just_the_way_you_are. so_there. hmmf. :-)

[Jo]

but i have to wait for a few days to collect my second wind... no, seriously, the coffee ain't working, and i need to spill the beans, and i'm tired, and i need to come up for air and catch my breath.

[Jo]

i'm worried. i'm worried i'm not good enough for you, mr. dylan.

i feel like a dud. truly. i know this is just a mood, but it's a mood i'm in often (possibly as the result of lack of endorphins, an *easily* remedied problem!) and then i see, what if we are both like this, like two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl year after year, in your bus.

it scares me, but i know i also tend to look at things in extremes, in all or nothing, black or white, like on or off. so i'm looking at this state as if it's a never-ending truth. (ha ha ha the never-ending tour). what's scary is thinking, the honest reflection of another there trapped in the same lost state might cause friction, resentment, like what the fuck are we doing? this is so pathetic and fucked up, i hate this, i'd rather just do it alone.

this is how i'm thinking now, and it's so disheartening. but i'm also not feeling well. it would just really make me mad if we don't click. maybe i'm just imagining things, and lost in my own disease, and this is not real, and i'm being ridiculous or confused or intimidated. i think i'm imagining you as an exact copy of me, as i am now, and this is disturbing.

this is interesting, because i have been realizing, to the point where i said to myself earlier today, wow, i have to talk about this with dr. r, "projection." i am realizing SO MUCH that all the negative feelings i have in my head towards the world, are really just things i don't like about myself. i mean, ok, i'm feeling a little stupid because this is no great revelation, i guess i just forgot, cuz i was so healthy for a while that i had no problems with anyone, so when it started up again, resenting people (not you) and the world, i forgot its origins.

wow, i need to work out so bad. it's so sad. why won't i do it? if you were here...(no pressure) it's sort of the same thing as cooking for yourself. it's depressing. it's like nobody cares about you. nobody loves you, so you have to love yourself. there's nobody around to be nice to you (mom?), i guess nobody loves you anymore. you're not worthy, you're unlovable. and of course, nobody is going to love you the way you. like when i said to my mom about scared about getting old, and who's going to take care of me, and she snaps and snarls at me aghast with horror and disgust, "who would want to do that?" and "that's just something you're going to have to EARN!" something like that.

bob, if i went traveling with you, i think i still wanna do therapy with dr. r, if he'll still keep me for phone sessions, or skype or something. (oh g-d, i hate the computer. the miss teen america thing. i put black tape over my camera. and as they said on the news, "there is no reasonable expectation of privacy" it's so messed up. i don't know if i'm crazy or what. i don't think i'm being unreasonable, under the circumstances.

well, anyway, thank you so much for listening, and i just realized something. i think the cause of all this discomfort in picturing/imagining riding around with you on your bus, is because my back is super fragile, and i am being VERY LAZY in keeping up with my core strengthening exercises, and doing the BARE MINIMUM to just get by without pain, and i have been pacing around all day, except when i am sitting at the computer, because my back is on the verge of sore, and i don't want to sit, although, wait, the truth is, i can sit, it doesn't hurt, that's not the reason, i just don't feel like watching TV!!!!!!! there is nothing i want, my darling, but you, or this, so i just pace around doing nothing, thinking nothing, and i just pictured you doing the same thing, and the two of us, doing that in a bus, with nothing to say to each other, and it didn't seem great.

BOB, I'M SURE IF WE PUT OUR HEADS TOGETHER, IF WE PUT SOME EFFORT INTO IT, LIKE MARC SAYS, RELATIONSHIPS TAKE (REQUIRE) *WORK*, AND LIKE I SAID ONCE (HEE HEE HEE), IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN, YOU PLAN TO FAIL, SO SERIOUSLY, WE CAN SAY, OKAY, HERE WE ARE, TWO LOST SOULS SWIMMING IN A FISH BOWL, TWO DUDS, WITH ALL THE RESOURCES IN THE WORLD AT OUR COMMAND (THINKING MOSTLY OF OUR BRAINS, PLUS OUR MUTUAL GOOD FORTUNES) LET'S PLAN A LIFE TOGETHER THAT WORKS FOR THE TWO US!!!!!!!! SO WE CAN BE TOGETHER, AND NOT JUST PACE AROUND AIMLESSLY AND MINDLESSLY LIKE TWO DUDS, WHEN WE HAPPEN TO BE TWO VERY INTELLIGENT, CREATIVE, RESOURCEFUL, AND BLESSED INDIVIDUALS.

SO THERE!!!!!!!!!! I FIGURED IT OUT!!!!!!!!! WE CAN PUT OUR MINDS TO IT, AND FIGURE IT OUT!!!!!!! TOGETHER!!!! :-DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[Jo]

but right now, i still feel like a dud, and there is nothing i would rather do, apparently, than pace mindlessly around my house like a retarded idiot (no offense to retarded idiots, i'm sure their lives are more interesting than this!)

bob? we also have to be kind, and gentle, and patient, and respectful of each other, too.

but really. i don't think we can just throw ourselves into the lion's den together, and expect not to tear each other apart unless we have a plan. goals, activities, schedules, or the like. even if it just involves the two of us.

my friend paul l**berman, where i saw handle with care at his house alone in a room everyone was out and it came on, i remember once he made up a schedule for himself. on a piece of paper, with blocks, for times, like a school schedule, but it wasn't for school. it included things like from 1-2 (making this up now) practice guitar. 2-3 exercise, 3-4 study this or that, 12-1 eat lunch, etc... THAT is what i mean by making a plan. having things to do. having a schedule, a guide, because IF YOU FAIL TO PLAN, YOU PLAN TO FAIL. that's all we need to do. and of course, we can tweak it as we go along. and other things like, watch our favorite shows, etc.. :) we can figure it out bob. there are a bazillion fun things to do, that can even be done together alone in a bus. study a chapter from the bible. talk about your songs (omg did i say that outloud???????? ha ha ha :) ) etc.... study things that interest us. does this sound okay for you? if you have OTHER INTERESTS, you have to tell me, because I said we have to put our heads TOGETHER, so there are all kinds of other things I am not even THINKING OF. Because I love you and am interested in you. I have a genuine and sincere interest in your interests, too. But you'd have to introduce me to them. Like I said, playing for me the jazz you like or something. Do you like Jazz? Where did I get this idea? I like the idea of going to jazz clubs. Maybe that's just my weird idea. I know you like 50s music a lot. Me, not so much, tbh. But we can figure it out, Bob. I haven't really thought about it before. Does this sound retarded? Wow, I kinda feel dumb, I have no idea who you are!!!!!!!!! I hope you don't mind that my whole life is wrapped up in you, in that all I really care about is being with you, and I don't even know you. I just hope that we can spend a lot of time together, that it works out. That we ENJOY EACH OTHER'S COMPANY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WE MAKE EACH OTHER HAPPY!!!!!!!!!! THAT WE FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WE TRUST EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!! THAT WE RESPECT EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WE ARE INTERESTED IN EACH OTHER, AND OR MUTUAL THINGS!!!!!! AND THAT WE CAN BE TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IT WOULD JUST BE *TOTALLY ABSURD* IF WE COULDN'T FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE THIS *AWESOME*.

[Jo]

super tiny: i have no idea what you do on your bus all day. :)?

[Jo]

Bob, I'm sorry. I'm so depressed today, surely from all the coffee which didn't even work, but still made me feel yucky. I'm not thinking straight.

[Jo]

You know, when Brent was around, he had very little to say, and we had no problem being together all day, without any kinds of irritation or resentments with each other. We hit the meetings, would go for walks (he wanted to get exercise and lose weight, he's big, and was following my lead), came back here, hung out, he on couch, me at computer, and pacing around, sometimes thinking, something talking to him about shit, and he just sat there doing nothing, or falling asleep, with or without the tv on. It was cool. I liked having company.

The things I said about Enough Said, like getting a little irritated, was getting in a bad mood, because he wasn't fully satisfying, and I blamed that on the fact that he wasn't Bob. Like he had nothing to offer.

Bob, I'm SURE you have things to offer. I don't mean 24 hours a day, and I know you have so much in your head I could coax out if it was lost in there. With Brent, there was nothing. You know what I mean? But it was still nice, with very very very very little on his part, so I'm sure with you it will be even nicer!!!! And I mean that, nicer.

I'm just in a shitty mood today, drinking a lot of espresso, which didn't work, and just made me feel YUCKY. I'm sorry. :-( You're my poo poo head. I love you, poopie. :-(((( I would love you even if you had nothing to say, or didn't feel like talking, you'd be like my doggie, my little poopie woopie who is always with me, and I love you and take care of you! (and then do my own thing, whatever that is, even if it includes the pacing around, waiting until I can think of something else to say or whatever.

Remember when I was working out? It was endless. And endless stream of consciousness practically. And positive. A good mood. Except when i would get pissed off that it was all me, and you never said a single word. hmm...

Oh G-d. I hope this works, Bob. The most important thing is that we can trust each other, and feel safe with each other, to be ourselves, and be accepted, and respected, and loved, and then I think after that, everything will just fall into place.....? yes? no? :-(((

i think yes? :-D

[Jo]

And Bob? You know what? If we can't figure it out really well, or feel kinda lost, we can ask all our friends!

Hey, we're trapped here all day in a bus together, and don't know what to do. We want to be together. What should we do? Can anybody help? Does anybody have any ideas or suggestions?

[jo]

On Saturday, October 25, 2014 7:22:49 PM UTC-7, Jo wrote:

The thing about Enough Said wasn't when he was here in the house like that. I really really really liked that. It was comforting, having a warm body here, in the background, (me at dining table with computer, him at couch, or when i was on other side of couch, watching tv with him, or more accurately, him with me) there if I felt like yapping. It was like more when we were OUT, and I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. The only thing I could think of easily, readily, was going to movies and out to eat. And like this one time, there were no good movies, we were at the grove, and I was felt resentful towards him that he was contributing nothing. But in the end, we just walked around, and tried to have a good time. But it was well, a let-down, I mean it was okay, but not the same. Knowing, I am entertaining myself by walking around a fucking mall, with stores with people selling all kinds of high-priced garbage I have no interest in, like the rest of the people who have no idea what to do with themselves, either. And then I was resenting him, too, for having nothing to say, nothing to contribute, or anything. Well, he did have things to contribute, but the thing was, he was always looking to me to be the leader, to do almost all the thinking, and that kinda irked me. Cuz we had talked about some other things, plans, like a picnic in the park out in the valley that I liked, originally my idea, but I mean, he never suggested it again, or anything. I suppose I could have said, hey, let's do that, but it was like I was and had to plan everything, except in the beginning when this one time he invited me to Santa Barbara. It's like, that's the only thing he came up with, contributed, insofar as activities.

Same as like with Paul, I feel that the whole burden is on my shoulders, for the most part, if I want it to be remotely nice, in terms of conversation. Most of what he has to say is depressing, because of the level he's on. Now, I'm really more friends with his mom, Natalie, and we see each other once a week, at dinner, and visit. Sometimes it's really nice, other times it's just okay, or sometimes even a little worse, due to bad moods or whatever, on either side, but we don't take it too seriously, it's just par for the course, and are comfortable enough with each other to just let it go, and keep up the friendship. She's quite a character. An acquired taste. But I get her. I know where she's coming from, even if it's a little hard to handle at times. I like her.

OK, that's all.

super tiny ps i just realized maybe i am not picturing bob's bus properly, and it's really nice maybe a little like in meet the fockers, and it's pretty spacious, too, and it would be the same as me n' brent hangin' out here in my living room. :-D

[jo]

nice as in things to do, tv, computer(s), tea and coffee nook, lounge area to hang out, play cards, or g-d only knows what else, all i do is computer and tv, i need to be reminded of all the wonderful things there are to do for fun. i don't even have one other person to do anything with. but maybe bob needs to be reminded, too. OR, maybe between the two of us (or others as well) we can help each other remember, and get excited about it, and do it. :) (or maybe bob already knows? :)?)

[jo]

On Saturday, October 25, 2014 7:43:14 PM UTC-7, jo wrote:

oh, excuse me, i forgot. (not sarcastic)

he invited me to join him and his daughter and friend of her choice for her birthday at knott's berry farm. i was honored.

but honestly, it kinda sucked. the log ride was the only ride i liked. i did a rollercoaster which gave me a headache and i had to buy advil. the corn dogs (which i normally love) SUCKED. the breading was thin and mushy, as opposed to thick and crunchy, as i seem to recall they had at disneyland years ago. then at night, the ferris wheel was a little romantic, two friends sharing a beautiful night up in the sky, with a moon, overseeing all the lights, and it was slow and gentle, it was nice.

but that's out of a whole day. and i tried to find a gift for bob, to send. i wanted to get a country looking jar of knott's berry jam, but they changed the old-fashioned looking jars i feel certain they once had, to crappy looking off the assembly line shit jars, not nice for a gift AT ALL. so i was bummed about that, too. did i say this before? i think i may have. i'm so sorry, please forgive me. and just in case i didn't say, cuz i feel so unsure sometimes of people's confidence in me, he told me later his 16 year old daughter said to him, "she's nice. i see why you like her." that made me feel so nice. :)

ok, that's all. well, back to the enough said thing one more time. i did it a little, but nowhere near as bad as elaine (ha ha, i mean, wait, oh yeah, julia louis dreyfus sp?) did in the movie enough said. i mean, that was BAD. mine was bad in my head, but nowhere near as nasty or pronounced as she.

[jo]

i really don't do that much tv. it's really mostly just computer, and pacing around.

and my previous art projects, which all got thrown into an incinerator.

but after part 2, i am DONE.

i want nothing more to do with mr. dylan like that.

i want it all, or bust! i'm sick of this bullshit!

:-)

i want my honey boo boo in my arms. :)

[jo]

i wanted to get you raspberry jam. :)

but instead i guess you'll just have to make do with your belly button jam!

eeeeewwwwwiiiieeeeee!!! ha ha ha :-)

[jo]

bobby? are you sure i won't be like a third-wheel?

you, the never-ending tour (The Bob Dylan Show), and me? :-(((

[jo]

Bob, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings, picturing the two of us dysfunctionally, not knowing how to relate or what to do. I'm tired. I don't know what I'm saying.

[jo]

Bob, there's gonna be a spin-off independent film based that chapter in my future Bob Dylan book called, "The Night the Turds Came to Dinner"

[jo]

Bob, maybe if we were back together, I would be at peace, and could enjoy entertainment again, like snuggling up next to you and watching TV. I'm very open to all different kinds of programs. I'm easily entertained, I guess. I think? I liked Searching for Sugar Man! :) (because of you...)

Or even if you weren't interested, and were on the computer, I wouldn't mind, and would just watch alone.

OTOH, maybe I'd be flourishing with new ideas of fun and interesting things to write on the computer. Like telling everyone all the details about my wonderful and exciting life with my favorite person in the whole world, Bob Dylan, like what we are eating, and taking pictures of your turds! (lol just kidding....or am i?)

[jo]

Goddamnit, I'm so pissed off.

The only problem in the whole wide world is that I am not getting my endorphins. I won't say not exercising, because I am walking at least 5-6 hours a week (at least when I am getting to my meetings).

Wow, I suck. What is my problem? Why won't I hire a trainer? (new person, trust, big step, new thing, been so long, heavy heart, etc...)

FUCK_ME.

are you listening, bob dylan. come over here right now..... and FUCK_ME!!!!!!!!! ha_ha_ha. :-) :-I

[jo]

(and the coffee didn't work and me feel yucky. i wouldn't go so far as to say sick, but really yucky.)

[jo]

On Saturday, October 25, 2014 8:52:52 PM UTC-7, jo wrote:

i would say two more reasons for dragging my feet are 1. don't want to admit that i need help 2. don't want to pay someone for something i *could* (theoretically) do myself. i guess these two reasons i kinda tied into each other, i think?

[jo]

and you know what, one more thing about the enough said stuff.

I COPPED TO IT IMMEDIATELY. i said where it was coming from, that it was all on me, it was inappropriate, not nice, and please don't take it personally, i'm in a bad mood, and it's not your fault.

something like this happened a couple times (possibly AT MOST a few) and that was it. it was not a big deal, i just felt so badly in my head, and terrible that i was taking it out (albeit mutedly) on this poor fellow. and i think i owned up to it really well and quickly and in a way such that it caused no harm.

i just didn't like it about myself, because it really was all on me.

i would never ever EVER want to do this to my poopie woopie.

and this was like a practice run, and so i was so disturbed to see it coming out of myself. OTOH, i also recognized that i did carry a strong resentment that was NOT so disturbing, that this nice man was not my Bob Dylan. (even though he was obviously in my movie, such that i was prompted to buy him a little tiny box of mint candies that said BRENT on it, and labeled, "Dylan's Candy")(he knew all about bob, and it was not like a secret action/thing in my head, i meant it as a huge compliment to him, in every way, i think i even explained about melinda? is that ontario bob dylan plate? i'm sorry, escapes me now. :-((((( )

[jo]

i even said to him, at least once, "This has nothing to do with you. It's because you're not Bob! Don't worry about it." slt...

[jo]

I made a mistake. When I said about the book/magazine coincidences, I pulled up what I wrote once before about not being able to get away from Bob Dylan, be they Bob's (that's understandable) or Dylans or the man himself, something like that.

In these books/magazines it was either Bob Dylan or Dylan not Bob. IOW, it wasn't like I picked up some book (I SWEAR, I REMEMBER, BECAUSE OF MY FUCKING REACTION) that was advertised in ER about Bob Dylan. They were music books. IOW, 5 times on Bob Dylan. These weren't books or magazines solely about Bob!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just general music stuff.

Remember when it would happen in Rolling Stone before???? 5 times, I mean. Now, I don't read them, but is he REALLY MENTIONED THAT MANY TIMES MORE, such that 5 is not a big deal?

I'M THINKING IT'S LIKE THE PAGE 22 INCIDENT (synecdoche). I'M *CERTAIN* OF IT. i think. 99% sure.

[jo]

OMG.

I just take one look at you (I clicked open LAWY from Berlin) and as much as perhaps the people who know you would say it just ain't so, I look at you and think, this is the answer.

YOU. PERFECT FOR ME. YOU N' ME, UNDERNEATH THAT APPLE SUCKLING TREE! (or bus) etc...

pure heaven

1000 years of happiness

bob if the whole plan is too much, just invite me over, and let's get this show on the road! take me with you! i want to be with you now and forever!

[Jo]

That doesn't make it sound convincing enough. They weren't books where Bob would have been splattered and splashed throughout. They were just fluff shit, or really super general stuff, where Bob would not have been prominently featured. Although my past experience with the book about politics music and the 60s doesn't really make my assertions very credible, but I am more educated about Bob now. This was just this past year or so. It was totally outrageous, I assure you.

[Jo]

there's NO WAY you have nothing to offer.

and if i can get by on practically NOTHING, then you n' me? WOWZER!

[Jo]

and remember. you may be alone a lot of the time, and maybe you forget, because you have nothing to offer YOURSELF.

but i'm a MORON!!!!!!!!!

you could keep us both entertained (me being the ideal student that i am) for eons!!! :)

tiny whisper bob we don't have eons, please hurry my love...

[Jo]

bob, but maybe you're shy and don't know how to get it out. i can help! :-)

[Jo]

omg, was there a concert tonight? (i'm not kidding)

maybe that holding off so the upcoming visits to show will be special is rubbing off, even though i ain't a-goin' nowhere!

hmmf..

[Jo]

bob, do you like not want to ask me, invite me to come, because if i don't like it, it's like what were you thinking??? (you think to yourself, you're an idiot, and loser, and unworthy of happiness, totally beat yourself up) but if i ask can i come, and say i don't like it, it's on me, and you didn't make a mistake???????????

i just don't want to ask because i think it's RUDE!!!!!!!!!

[Jo]

bob, i don't see why i wouldn't like (love) it on your bus, if i was taking good care of myself... :)

[Jo]

On Sunday, October 26, 2014 12:04:05 AM UTC-7, Jo wrote:
> bob, i don't see why i wouldn't like (love) it on your bus, if i was taking good care of myself... :)

as a matter of fact, one reason things got a little dicey in Santa Barbara was because I had my third coffee when we got there, and he said something over which i was tripping (legitimately, but in a toy guns sort of way, privately, in my head) but i told him, it's the coffee, so he didn't trip over my tripping, and i felt badly, i sort of ruined our walking around Santa Barbara, and Joan Baez was there stalking me, to nag on my conscience as well, for being shitty. But I was kinda glad things got shitty, cuz at this point i think he was still thinking he could with me romantically. The whole idea, the outing, was a little iffy. But I decided to ignore whatever HE was hoping for, and just go for ME, to have fun, and we did. The driving there and back was really nice. I talked most of the time, keeping us entertained, and I really enjoyed getting out of the city for the day.

Last night I had a dream that I was looking at a house to buy with a nice green backyard with lots of sunlight. Oh Bob. Come take me away from my dreary life. You have so much to offer. Please be my knight in shining armor. It's absurd. It would be so easy for you. Like you say, "Life would be so simple if I only had you to please!" Don't deny yourself the greatest thing ever. ME! ha ha ha :-)

(it's not RIGHT for a young girl to chase after an older man! he's supposed to be her SUITOR! :) )

[Jo]

I'm glad to see that my old friend Keith Gubitz is still alive! Phew!

[Jo]

Bob, if you're not bored and suffering or anxious or wondering what the hell should I do with my life/my time, then I think that's so unfair of you, because I want to be with you so bad, and suffer so much because I want to be with you more than anything, and otherwise feel so lost, or so disconnected, and so depressed, and lonely and miserable, and I don't really want to feel connected to others or other things, to feel unconnected from you (or scared that this is what it means), maybe I even want you more than you want me, because you are otherwise pretty/kinda satisfied, that makes me feel crappy, like I'm just this little toy for you, this charming obsessed fan, a plaything, a bonus onto your normal, fairly healthy, cool, comfortable Bob Dylan life.

Sorry, I feel like shit right now. Not physically, just mentally, I am not on coffee or anything, nor do I want to be, I don't miss it, I don't miss anything but you, and I'm not sure how you are there, what you're going through, and I just wish you would pick up that phone and shock the hell out of me, and break the ice (ring ring ring)(telephone), and I'm sure things would pick up nicely from there, and it would be BETTER than us being ALONE, unless I am wrong about you and you are happy without me.

Pweeze doo shumteen poopush woopush. I doo feeh deshperate. deshperhate beecush i am shoo unhappee i jush shit here (ha ha), (lol), an nuteen happen, i jush shit here (lol) wayteen foh woo, weer after weer after weer after weir (?), pweeze kuhm hohm poopush, ih bee sho bootifoh, woo n' mee fohevah. :) :) :) :) :) :)

i wubbush woo, an tink woo diVINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Jo]

(lol)(:)?)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJ7J0SwK8fE

[Jo]

either yesterday or the day before (can't remember) i caught, "The Night ________ Came to Dinner" on tv.

bob, i'm so afraid this is all a big trick. :-////

[Jo]

On Tuesday, October 28, 2014 4:37:33 PM UTC-7, Jo wrote:
> either yesterday or the day before (can't remember) i caught, "The Night ________ Came to Dinner" on tv.
>

i'm pretty sure it was yesterday. i didn't really watch tv on sunday. just rested.

> bob, i'm so afraid this is all a big trick. :-////

bob, are you coming over?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TH3Ya2rpsdY

[Jo]

oh, i wish i had my saltine crackers. :-((( it would make my norm's tomato soup so delectable. :-I

[Jo]

i still can't believe this isn't all a big trick. :-((( (i'm so confused by this sentence, i can't tell if i have the correct number of negatives or not)

[Jo]

hi jolene here, tuning in for the live setlist!!! :)

[Jo]

On Tuesday, October 28, 2014 7:33:54 PM UTC-7, Jo wrote:
> hi jolene here, tuning in for the live setlist!!! :)

ooo, i loved the trailer. i already wrote BD SHOTIME on my calendar (from previous announcement, ahem). (i know i missed the w. you know, the little menu guide says SHOetc.. so whatever)

should i really be smiling...? :-((( i mean, sure, everybody's special, but nobody's special like my poopus woopus.etc.

i feel bad. guilty. i hope he's okay, my magic marcus. i feel like i'm hanging on the edge here. everything is so iffy, so vague, so hazy, so ephemeral, so nebulous, so tenuous, it could all be gone with one click of the button. like MAD. thermonuclear war. and that was exactly the end of bob dylan. nowhere to go... nowhere to turn... ? maybe not... ?

i hope my poopus woopus comes through for me. i hope i don't have my hopes up too high. :-(

ok, have a good show... :-/ :) :-(

[Jo]

well, this is exciting.

[Jo]

bob, you're wrong if you think you have to be exciting for me.

if you show up, that's enough to keep me excited for the rest of your life! :-)

[Jo]

On Tuesday, October 28, 2014 8:20:45 PM UTC-7, Jo wrote:
> bob, you're wrong if you think you have to be exciting for me.
>
> if you show up, that's enough to keep me excited for the rest of your life! :-)

Bob, when I said you're the answer, that has to be taken in context. I never felt you had any kind of answers whatsoever. I thought you sat all day on your couch with your remote and your beer, limp dick in hand [sic], watching cable, and I never had any questions. I just wanted to be with you.

And after I met you, you were so cool, so awesome, so incredible, that I became enamored (as if I wasn't already), and wanted to be with you full force, all the time, forever and ever. (as if i didn't want that before, i did, but i didn't suffer over it, or let myself be obsessed by it!!!!!!!!!!!)

You are my dream.

And Bob, really, you are so much better looking in person than in pictures. BUT BOB!!! EVEN IF YOU AREN'T, AND YOU HAVE YOUR BAD DAYS, AND/OR DAYS WHEN YOU JUST DON'T CARE, SO YOU GO AROUND LOOKING BAD, *LIKE ME*(!!!!!!!!!!) THAT'S OKAY, TOO. BUT WHEN I SAW YOU AND WENT OMG, OH YEAH, JUST REMEMBERED, LAWY, BERLIN, I MEAN, YOU JUST LOOK SO WONDERFUL, IT'S LIKE THE PRESENTATION OF YOUR NEW LYRICS BOOK, SUPPOSEDLY SO WELL PUT TOGETHER, VERSUS SAY THE LAST ONE I BOUGHT, WHICH WAS SO UNIMPRESSIVE.

YOU JUST LOOK LIKE SUCH A WONDERFUL (CAN'T THINK OF THE WORD :-((( ) MAN (THERE IS NO WORD) YOU ARE SO MUCH *MORE* THAN ANY OF THE BOZOS WHO HAVE FLOATED THROUGH *MY* LIFE, AND I BET WE COULD KEEP EACH OTHER STIMULATED AND INTERESTED AND INTERESTING FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. I WAS JUST REALLY SICK ON COFFEE THE OTHER DAY, AND WALKING AROUND IN A BAD YUCKY MOOD, WITH NOTHING ON MY MIND, AND PICTURED YOU HERE WITH ME (OR US IN A BUS) DOING THE SAME THING, AND IT WARN'T SO GREAT.

sorry for all the caps, i forgot to take them off, the whole point is, don't freak out when i say you are the answer. possibly even the answer for when i am writing, and so lost in my head, or lost here, and then see you, and how wonderful you are (lame word), and think i should just take care of myself better, and be patient for you. but bob, if i had sat here being patient all these years, and you sat there being patient all those years, i don't think we ever could have made this thing happen. ? no?

but what i mean is, you are so much more than anybody i encounter in my regular life. well, maybe you just are to me. maybe i should just delete this post. i mean, fuck it, it's true. YOU'RE BOB DYLAN!!!!!! ok, so what, it doesn't mean you are always a genius, or always entertaining, or always in a good mood, or always independent and needless of others or help or care or love or tenderness, my god, i look at you, and all i want to do with you is being lying in bed with you, with my arms around you, and kissing your beautiful beautiful beautiful face. AND I KNOW YOU'RE WEARING MAKE-UP DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M THAT SHALLOW, SO MAYBE I AM, BUT NOT WHEN IT COMES TO YOU, YOU'RE BOB DYLAN, NO MATTER WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE, AND I KNOW YOU ARE VAIN TOO, SO I AM UNDERSTANDING TO YOUR BAD FEELINGS ABOUT YOURSELF (I THINK, I AM GUESSING, I IMAGINE) (sorry about the caps) and i'll do my best to deal with them, as i see fit, like not sink to your bullshit, and tell you nobody cares but you, or i can't believe you are catering to the people who don't even matter, or things like that, OR, depending, cradle you in my arms, and kiss you softly, and tell you you are my best baby, my sweet my baby, my angel, and god made you just perfect for me, and i'm the luckiest woman on earth!

of course this is all fantasy because none of this is ever going to happen until you get your ass back here, bob!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

did i say everything? i have to go back and read. hold on.

yeah, well, whatever, blah blah blah blah blah bob, would you like to join in on this, and make this the vagina and penis dialogues?

[Jo]

woo wook sho all awone dair, poo poo. :-(

all awone. all awone.

i'm all awone, 2.

woo kum hohm shoon? :-?

[Jo]

before i go to bed, i just wanted to say happy birthday to mrs. dylan I, i hope that's not too stupid or creepy, but i really mean it, even though i'm just another creepy stalker fan and i'm creeping myself out doing this, i guess i'm just shy in some ways, like i finally shared today in group, and the thing was, i would talk to people tons during breaks and before and after, i would reach out to them, one-on-one and little groups and all, but today, when i raised my hand and started talking, which i had been encouraged to do by several people recently, my heart was racing, and i kept my eyes downcast the whole time.

it wasn't the magnificent mind-blowing soliloquy I had been hoping for by far, but it was honest, and clear, and to the point, and I got lots and lots of kudos at the end. I even unintentionally made people laugh, talking about my weight, saying I was freaking out that I am gaining weight, and that I was asked to lead the meeting, "and i said no, and it's like, what? you think they can't see you sitting here in the back row than up there in front?" and people kinda giggled. I wasn't trying to be funny, but it was nice to know that I touched a chord. I mean, shit, it's even in the title, sort of, "narcotics ANONYMOUS." but i guess that's not exactly the same as "narcotics INVISIBLE."

well, anyway, happy birthday! i dedicate this post and this day to you! :-)

(hope you had a nice one)

[Jo]

btw, bob, i really think the cat's out of the bag.

all kinds of people who work at trader joe's know my name.

seriously, they all know me. two days ago, another one, new one, said my name, "bye rach!" a young man, i had never even seen before (that i am aware of) behind the counter. (i slide my card to pay, not give it over)

it's crazy.

and that party i went to, really weird, they were talking about a segment on 60 minutes, about dogs, testing them, what they know, by attaching wires to their nuts, ok, they said testicles, very respectably, and measuring the sweat, and then somebody goes, "sweaty" and then dropped it off, as if he were referring to something, saying "i know something," and then changed his mind, or there was nothing more he could say. iow, it was kinda random, unless you knew i had just posted about schweddy balls. i could be wrong about this, but i'm just sayin'!

this kinda creeps me out, otoh, if nice, respectable people KNOW about this, i mean, are they reading it and enjoying it? because that would put me at ease kinda, like i'm not such a freak, i kinda think of like, kathy griffin or something, everybody knows she's just entertaining people, doing it for kicks and for work, and don't think of her as a pervert, they know it's just an act and for fun.

do people know that about me?

i mean, i would never talk about diarrhea at the dinner table (unlike paul on our first "date," (outing) gross!)(i'm sorry, i find it very difficult to add the obligatory PC "NTTAWWT")(paul said i could talk about him on the computer, he didn't care, because he wasn't reading it, he said. that was his reasoning. i asked him once, when i got worried that maybe i was doing something wrong.)

wow, i'm not saying i would never embarrass you, bob. gosh that makes me feel so bad about embarrassing you, not being good enough for you, i would hope that what happened between us was so major in some way that you don't care what i do or say in some way. i mean, i know you have the confidence of a rock. at least on stage. maybe since we met on stage... :) oh god, you don't still see me as a fan, do you? i hope that's not how you think of me. i know, you said you don't relate to people as fans, but as people. well, i would just die if i embarrassed you. you never embarrassed me, cuz i could give two fucking shits what anybody might think negatively of you. you're my bob fucking dylan, so fuck them they can rot in hell and they are fucking moron idiots who have no sense and what the fuck do i care what they think. (unless it's like my family, and they don't realize that you are special to me, in a truly special way, then i'm sure they would think different, even if not about the music, to each his own. except the people who put you down they can rot in hell.)

[Jo]

only 2 seconds of tangled??? :-(

tantalizing and depressing.

you were so close, and then you were gone.

i feel lost, bob.

i wish i weren't alone all day.

do you like being alone all day.

and you can just go fly a kite if you have someone keeping you company. what am i supposed to do? buy a dog?

[Jo]

poo poo? i haf to tell woo gwate big sheekwet. oKAYYY???????????

evwee gwain uf shand.

dee-end. :)

do woo get it?

[Jo]

i think i must be insane. i had these ideas about bob's dress, a few days ago, or less, i don't remember, or more, i don't remember, and now i'm seeing something, i just watched a video, and i think i must be crazy.

maybe it's a coincidence.

i mean, what, does bob print up his clothes last minute, how does he get them so fast, it has to be a coincidence, but these things really fuck with my head.

i saw the sign.... (that's a song, you know!)(i just looked at the lyrics, don't see what they have to do with anything. they don't!)

bob, it would be nice, as soon as you are convinced that you are not insane, and that i am real, etc.., you should contact me, to help clue me in as far as my end. that would be nice. not that that's why i want to be with you. or whatever. not that it's your job or responsibility or anything. it would just be nice if you could clear up the enigma that is bob dylan.

i'm going back to bed. good-night. oh, i guess i have to finish looking at the rest of the posts. ok, good-night. you should go to bed, too. oh, you sleep in your bus? that sounds sexy....mmmm....... :) can i cuddle with you? ??????? :-)

[Jo]

i think it was a coincidence that you were pointing out to me or something. unless you had the idea a long time ago. was it because of me? no, i can't believe that!!! i'm a weirdo!!!

i love you, poopus. you are a wonderful man. :-) (i think. i think i can tell? i hope!)

[Jo]

wow, to think you opened with red jackets before because of tempest.

i feel so stupid to think it had to do with my mail.

i must be an idiot.

[Jo]

i think i'm the victim of coincidence.

wow, i wonder if that's what bob thought, too. about me.

i woke up to this crazy dream about my dog, that she came back, found me again. it was magical at first i thought, but then it was a do-over, happened again, and this time, i realized it was my parents (mom and smoky) who found her and brought her back to me (after i had lost her/let her go/gave up on her/carelessly abandoned her)

and then i wake up to will's interesting but disheartening posts. oh well.

[Jo]

it's so hard to believe that waiting for you is what i think it's about. and tweedle dee and dum, etc...

i'm so tired of this shit.

:-(

i'm also tired. good-night. :)

[Jo]

bob, i hope this doesn't scare you, but if you do this, i'll worship you, i'll suck your dick every night and eat your feces! lol

ok, maybe i won't eat your feces... :)

[Jo]

so i was masturbating with my super high-powered vibrating dildo, and drowning it out with Time Warner classic rock, and Mick Jagger was singing Sympathy for the Devil. So I decided to think about him.

Worst orgasm ever. I'm tellin' ya. Mick Jagger does nothing for me.

Bob Dylan or Bust!

[Jo]

BOB I'M SORRY! I CAN'T THINK OF YOU EVERY TIME. I DON'T KNOW WHY. IT'S FUCKED UP. I WOULD PREFER IT NOT BE THIS WAY. FOR YEARS, YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON I THOUGHT ABOUT, AND I WAS FULLY SATISFIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm sure/hopeful that we can go back to that. normally it's you.

please don't be mad. :-/

maybe it's because i went on the internet, or it's my fault and its the "never go back" thing...

are you mad at me? :-(

[Jo]

so you still bring women backstage? young women?

omg.

i mean, it's not like what i did last night made it suddenly happen. you were doing it and i just didn't know? ???

poopie? :-(

it makes me think like performing for you is this huge happiness, and you do it almost every night, and that you have so much more than i do, as i sit here day after day, waiting for you.

???

[Jo]

and i'm truly sorry about my mind wandering. i truly am.

and i was sorry if i hurt anyone's feelings, i didn't mean to insult mick jagger, i was just having fun.

i'm sorry, i thought you accepted this about me, that i think about whatever works to get some release.

i don't LIKE it. i really DON'T. i'm SERIOUS. i feel like i'm being bad.

what about you? i thought you were so perfect, and now i find out you are meeting your female fans? ????

that seems REALLY unfair.

[Jo]

i'm not jealous, i'm just sad.

and i'm REALLY sorry if i make you sad.

maybe i'll just keep my perverted masturbatory fantasies for myself.

i just like saying outrageous things for shock value. :-(

perhaps it's inappropriate and oh g-d, i don't know how i should behave.

[Jo]

i mean on the computer with a group of/for so many people.

it just seems like it's begging for it... oh well.

i'm so sorry. i guess you are being appropriate, and i should trust you, although when i think about all the women backstage before, it just seems so thoughtless, so careless and carefree, when i was suffering and so sick for SO LONG. i mean, SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is really hard on me.

but i can see how what i wrote made you jealous. i'm so sorry.

ps it really sucked. nothing good happened!

[Jo]

it was nothing bob. i just pretended the dildo was his cock cuz of the music, and it sucked. i didn't pretend to be with him like two people. I NEVER DO THAT, well, it's hard to explain. maybe a little, not last night, and i don't like it. i don't like it ever. i hate that that's what i have to do to get off. i just try whatever works.

iz that okay? :-//////

[Jo]

it just makes me so sad because i never meet anybody i really like.

brent sort of, but it was contrived and out of desperation. me opening my heart to whatever g-d sends me.

but you? it's like you have all these wonderful smart pretty people following you around and falling all over you, and you bring them backstage and enjoy their company??????

i'm so sorry, i don't mean to accuse you, but this is just so hard to handle.

i'm serious, i'd be willing to put my life up against yours, and i'm almost certain there is no way yours is more pain and suffering, BOB DYLAN.

[Jo]

i don't picture him or ANYTHING!!!!!!

[Jo]

oh just forget it. i'm a pervert.

[Jo]

bob, i'm so jealous i can't see straight.

[Jo]

i don't know. i'm not jealous. i'm fucked up. :-(((

[Jo]

you know, sonia told me about being backstage with you, and all these GIRLS around you, FAWNING ALL OVER YOU, TOUCHING YOU, (and she, like i would have been, couldn't believe it, like, omg, you're touching bob dylan!!! you're FLIRTING with him!! etc... not that i wouldn't have come onto you, but i would have done it respectfully, and attempted to connect with you as i saw fit (depending on how you were, if i should try and be understanding and sympathetic, or smile and charm, etc...)(or maybe i would have just been ashamed, and told you honestly how much i love you, and, wow, i can't believe this, in a sad way, i've always wanted to meet you, and you probably think that's stupid, but it's not, i feel so stupid telling you this, but your music is so great, and i connect with it, it speaks to me, and my pain, it's so beautiful, and i think you're a really beautiful person, the most special person i know.)

i didn't do that on stage, cuz first of all, i didn't have time to think, second of all, i couldn't even see you, and i was totally caught off guard, I was surprised!

but i mean, i don't know when this was about all the girls coming on to you backstage.

bob, it kills me. look, i don't even know when that was, but when i think about it just even objectively, having nothing to do with me, it hurts me, my bob dylan ego, i mean, you are so incredible, you are ABOVE this, you're not some sleazy lounge singer or some fragile soul with a low self-esteem who needs to be reassured and validated by five and ten cent women!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET A BRAIN, BOB DYLAN!!!!!!! you're GREAT!!!!! (lol) if you are with people, you should play mind games with them, and make them all confused and awed by your greatness. (except me, don't do that to me! :-/ )

***

bob, i still feel so bad. what are you doing? i know what it's like to do things that "don't matter," so i can rationally understand, but i still can't help but feel jealous. i never heard anything about you playing at a bar in boston (mama kin, i found it) so maybe they made it up. but i'm not sure. not that i think you did anything, and if you did, it would probably fall under the category of "it didn't matter" and i am not opposed to you having fun, but with other women, especially young and pretty ones???? (i'm talking about this bar thing, if it's true :-/////////) i know i must be a total pervert to think you are doing anything seedy, and that you are not totally respectable and above board (i feel like i am trying so hard to believe in you :) :-/) but it just turns me on with jealousy, like that should be ME there, with Bob Dylan, and NOBODY ELSE. HE'S *MINE*.

is that how you feel about my vagina (not a joke). i wish it were true, too, but ever since the internet, and possibly "never go back" i had to do all kinds of crap, AND ALL KINDS OF CRAP JUST HAPPENS TO ME, in these most private and personal moments, about which i am trying to blow the lid off, just following my intuition. i think surely it must help people, you know, like making a tv show saying, "you can't control who pops in" think of all the guilt and shame people carry around with them, or some fiercely guarded sense of "i have my own totally personal secret life you don't know, have no idea, who i am" kind of thing. (not thinking of you).

well, whatever, now is not the time to save the world, right now, the only thing that matters is that i think i hurt your feelings, i would feel so sorry if there was something about me you didn't like or something about me that made you sad (except over my pain and suffering of course, well, maybe in a way this is a part of it, but not really, not in the qualifying sense, is that the word?, maybe it's symbolic of a greater suffering, but in actuality, it's not the same as physical pain or great mental anguish etc... it is possibly something that should be explored, what it's all about, why we do it, what it means, what's going on, and if we should possibly try and change things, how we feel about it, but right now, I am just concerned that i hurt your feelings, and also a little concerned, omg, there are other young girls there, instead of me. (i don't think i'm that pretty anymore, i'm not kidding. i need a chemical peel big time. oh well.)

[Jo]

i feel like such a small person. that you're so great, and normal, and i'm just a freak.

[Jo]

you're not *mine*. i don't own you. :-( i don't WANT to *own* you.

you can do whatever you want. :-(

and i'm NOT saying that so you forgive me for how i masturbate.

[Jo]

i just went through HELL. bob dylan must be perfect, and i am the world's biggest dunce, and got duped by my computer cuz i was so scared, and let some perfect stranger in for a little bit before my (non) paranoia got the better of me, and then called the REAL apple, and he totally put my mind at ease, he was wonderful, and so no harm was done, they were just trying to get money out of me (eventually) to fix a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.

this really sick thing is this guy, i mean, no conscience. a total thief, phony, lie to your face that he's, real, trustworthy, safe, swears he's helping me, and it was all a lie.

wow.

[Jo]

bobby, you don't think i'm dirty, do you? :-(