Viola Jokes
Gur Hoshen
it goes again. How about some viola jokes? E-m or post. Thanks.
Gur
Judith Amory
>Gur
Well, you probably know these.
1. You're walking in the woods, and come to a fork in the road. You look
around for someone to ask directions from. You see: a good violist, a bad
violist, and the Easter bunny. Whom do you ask?
Answer: The bad violist. The other two are figments of your imagination.
2. A man walks into the bar and says to the bartender, "Hey, want to hear
some good viola jokes?"
Bartender: You see that man over in the corner? He's a violist,
and he has a knife. And you see that man at the end of the bar? He's a
violist, and he has a gun. And by the way, I'm a violist too. And I have
an AK-47. Still want to tell a viola joke?
Customer: Nahhhhh.... who wants to tell a joke and have to
explain the punchline three times?
Courtesy of my son the violist.
Any others to tell?
--
--Judy Amory (am...@husc.harvard.edu)
"Alle Menschen, gleichgeboren, sind ein adliges Geschlecht."
Heinrich Heine
mp4...@albnyvms.bitnet
>g...@leland.Stanford.EDU (Gur Hoshen) writes:
>
>> I'm sure this has been asked before numerous times, but here
>>it goes again. How about some viola jokes? E-m or post. Thanks.
>
>>Gur
>
>Well, you probably know these.
>
(Insert Karajan noise reduciton joke here)
Once in hamburg a bad violin maker decided he needed to go into a new line
of business, so he thought for a while, and studied viola playing and
came up with a great innovation which would add immeasurably to the sound
and richness of viola music. He began making violas.
One day a customer walks in, it is none other than Paganini,
anxious to buy a viola to match his Strad. He plays one of the anxious
craftsman's works, and pronounces it uniformly the most full and
best sounding viola he has ever heard, and buys one.
Three days later Paganini comes back and says, "the sound
of this viola has gone flat, all of the singing quality to it is gone.
What is wrong with it?"
Indeed it sounded just like an ordianry viola at that point.
The viola maker shakes the viola, scowls and gets out another one,
and says:
"Here take this one, but this time remember to feed the mice."
(Historical note, Berlioz composed Harold in Italie as a viola
show piece for Paganini, to show off the afore mentioned strad. Rumor
has it that P decided that the work would not be acceptable after he saw the
number of rests in it. There are, of course many variations on say
"but the real reason was the number of rests in the orchestra while
the viola was playing.)
What is the best expressive marking for a viola section?
Tacit.
Margaret-Mary Petit Internet: MP4...@uacsc1.albany.edu
Rockefeller College Bitnet: MP4...@albnyvms.bitnet
SUNY Albany, NY
----`---,---{@
HenryFogel
In article <amory.7...@husc8.harvard.edu>, am...@husc8.harvard.edu
(Judith Amory) writes:
>g...@leland.Stanford.EDU (Gur Hoshen) writes:
>
>> I'm sure this has been asked before numerous times, but here
>>it goes again. How about some viola jokes? E-m or post. Thanks.
>
>>Gur
>
>Well, you probably know these.
>
I managed to miss these all their first time around, so I am probably
repeating old ones as well -- but then again maybe I'm not the only
newcomer:
Q] What are the two positions on the viola?
A] First and emergency.
Q] If you come to a fork in the road, and there are three people to give
you directions -- a good violist, a bad violist, and the easter bunny --
whom do you believe?
A] The bad violist. Obviously, the good violist and the easter bunny are
both figments of your imagination.
Finally -- and most tastelessly of all --
Q] How can you tell if the stage is level?
A] When the drool is dribbling out of the violists' mouths equally on both
sides.
Others will have to add more to this awful list!
Henry Fogel
James C Liu
>> I'm sure this has been asked before numerous times, but here
>>it goes again. How about some viola jokes? E-m or post. Thanks.
Okay, you asked for it ...
Q: Why is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A: Neither strikes in the same place twice.
Q: A man walks into a bank and pulls out a violin case. Everyone ducks for
cover. Why?
A: They think he's going to pull out a machine gun.
Q: A man walks into a bank and pulls out a viola case. Everyone ducks for
cover. Why?
A: They think he's going to play the viola.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.
I forgot a whole batch, but I'll close with the definition of a string
quartet: A good violinist, a bad violinist, a terrible violinist, and
someone who can't stand violinists.
--
/James C.S. Liu, MD "I put instant coffee in a microwave and
jl...@world.std.com almost went back in time."
Department of Medicine -- Steve Wright
New England Med Ctr, Boston MA
Sean Raleigh
> g...@leland.Stanford.EDU (Gur Hoshen) writes:
>
> > I'm sure this has been asked before numerous times, but here
> >it goes again. How about some viola jokes? E-m or post. Thanks.
>
> >Gur
>
about 30 viola jokes. I can't remember most of them but here are a few:
How do you get a violist to play spiccado?
Write a whole note in the music and mark it "solo"
How can you tell if the stage is level.
The violist is drooling out of both sides of the mouth equally.
What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Sean Raleigh
West Valley City, Utah
Robert Levine
(HenryFogel) wrote:
> Finally -- and most tastelessly of all --
> Q] How can you tell if the stage is level?
> A] When the drool is dribbling out of the violists' mouths equally on both
> sides.
>
> Others will have to add more to this awful list!
Q} Why are conductors buried 10 feet deep, rather than 6 feet deep?
A] Because, deep down, they're really nice guys.
Robert Levine (violist)
The Batman
No one knows when to come in.
no .sig yet
John Burns
#1
A viola player played in an professional orchestra for thirty five years. Every day, he went to work, scraped away for 5 hrs, and came home.
His retirement came up eventually, and he left the orchestra for good. He came home, placed the viola case in the corner, and his wife turned to him and said:
"What the hells that?"
#2
You're wandering lost and near to death in the Sahara desert. Suddenly, out of the heat comes a good viola player, a bad viola player and a pink elephant. One tells you to go east, another tells you to go south, and the elephant indicates to you to go north.
Q: Who do you believe?
A: The bad viola player...the other two are figments of your imagination
David Ralley
>>g...@leland.Stanford.EDU (Gur Hoshen) writes:
>
>>> I'm sure this has been asked before numerous times, but here
>>>it goes again. How about some viola jokes? E-m or post. Thanks.
>
>Okay, you asked for it ...
All these jokes are great, but somewhere out there in netland is the
canonical list of music jokes, including more viola and banjo jokes
than you'll ever remember. I've lost my pointer. Perhaps some kind
soul out there can provide us with a ftp or WWW pointer?
David
eh...@eagle.wesleyan.edu
>
>
> Q] If you come to a fork in the road, and there are three people to give
> you directions -- a good violist, a bad violist, and the easter bunny --
> whom do you believe?
> A] The bad violist. Obviously, the good violist and the easter bunny are
> both figments of your imagination.
>
Q> If you need to know the time, who should you ask -- a good violist, a bad
violist, the easter bunny or Santa Claus?
A> The bad violist. The others don't exist.
Here is another one (I might have posted this one earlier):
An oboe player and a viola player in an orchestra were mad at each other
and were causing a lot of trouble at a rehearsal. The conductor, who was
frustrated at the situation, decided to send both of them to see the
manager of the orchestra. So, the manager asks the oboe player, "Why
are you so mad at the viola player?" The oboe player answers, "Well, the
viola player keeps spilling my cup that I soak my reeds in." Then, the
manager turns to the viola player and says, "So why are you so mad at the
oboe player?" The viola player replies, "Well, the oboe player keeps
turning one of my pegs, but (s)he won't tell me which one!!!!"
>
> Finally -- and most tastelessly of all --
> Q] How can you tell if the stage is level?
> A] When the drool is dribbling out of the violists' mouths equally on both
> sides.
> Henry Fogel
No, this is the truly tasteless one:
Q> What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A> You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Eric Hung
Wesleyan University
eh...@eagle.wesleyan.edu
mp4...@albnyvms.bitnet
As usual our jokes are not as funny as reality:
Eugene Ormandy used to distribute viola parts through the violin section
for a smoother sound: he wanted to spread the pain.
Robert S. Swan
> Others will have to add more to this awful list!
>
Really? As a member of our viola section, a section generally regarded to
be one of the best in this orchestra, I don't see why.
--
Robert S. Swan, blu...@merle.acns.nwu.edu
1237 Judson Ave., Evanston, Il. 60202
Chicago Symphony Orchestra
Northwestern University
(708)475-8569 fax(708)475-1548
Jeffrey A. Quick
My favorite:
The conductor of a major orchestra was stricken ill just before
the concert. The management found that the first-chair violist
was a conductor and in fact had conducted every work on the pro-
gram with community orchestras, so they asked him to take over.
He was an incredible success, with a 10-minute standing ovation,
glowing reviews comparing him with Bernstein, etc.
The next day, they are to rehearse under the regularly scheduled
guest conductor. As the first-chair violist takes his seat, his
stand-partner turns to him and says:
"Where were you last night?"
Q) What's the best recording of the Bartok Viola Concerto?
A) Music Minus One
And just to be fair, I'll tell one on an instrument I play (at):
Q) How can you tell the future trombonists when they're out on
the playground?
A> They don't swing and can't find the slide.
Jeffrey
Robin Bowes
A violist out shopping one day bought a jigsaw puzzle. He got it home and
eagerly opened the box and turned all the pieces out onto the table. After
several hours of laborious toil, he managed to put the first piece in place.
Some time later he managed to find another piece and put that in place too.
After several weeks hard graft, he finally came to the last piece - it only
took a couple of hours to figure out where that one went.
Feeling very pleased with himself, he went to the offices of the Guiness
Book of Records to record his achievement. The receptionist was rather
puzzled by the reason for his visit.
"I'm sorry Sir, but taking five weeks to finish a jigsaw puzzle isn't a
particularly special acheivement", she said.
The violist replied, "But it says 4-7 years on the box..."
\\/
_I_ (o o) _I_
(_@_)-------------------------ooO-(_)-Ooo------------------------(_@_)
| | | |
| | Robin Bowes University College Salford | |
| | Database Development Frederick Road | |
| | Internet: ro...@plato.ucsalford.ac.uk Salford | |
| | Tel: 44 (0) 61 745 3457 M6 6PU | |
| | Fax: 44 (0) 61 736 3596 United Kingdom | |
|___|____________________________________________________________|___|
(___) Any Paradox for Windows info (ftp sites, mailing lists (___)
I development tools, tech tips, etc.) gratefully received. I
KatNeveno
Hoshen) writes:
Question: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
Answer: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Satisfied? Kathie
Marian Fox
>Satisfied? Kathie
No!
--
---
pacifier.com - Vancouver's Public access Internet (206) 693-0325
telnet or dial the above and type "new" at the prompt to register
Heather Terasa Neaveill
: In article <3191mj$m...@nntp2.Stanford.EDU>, g...@leland.Stanford.EDU (Gur
: Hoshen) writes:
: Satisfied? Kathie
Let's stop the viola jokes. PLEASE!!!
Herman Haverkort
>KatNeveno (katn...@aol.com) wrote:
> In article <3191mj$m...@nntp2.Stanford.EDU>, g...@leland.Stanford.EDU (Gur
> Hoshen) writes:
>
> > Question: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
> > Answer: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
>
> Let's stop the viola jokes. PLEASE!!!
No! Please CONTINUE the viola jokes, but please take care that the jokes
are about the (real or suspected) special features of violas and violists.
Please do NOT post stupid jokes which could be about ANY instrument, like
the joke quoted above. (What's the difference between a bassoon and a tram-
poline? You take off your shoes..., What's the .... between a cello and a
trampoline... etc.: NO!!! It is boring!)
By the way: being a (amateur) violist, I am interested in viola and
violist jokes as well as violin and violinist jokes. The latter is because
the violin and violinist jokes could be used as `ammunition' by the
Viola Liberation Army (VLA).
Herman Haverkort
Mark Slagle
> KatNeveno (katn...@aol.com) wrote:
> : Question: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
> : Answer: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Q: How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A: Carry it in a viola case.
> Let's stop the viola jokes. PLEASE!!!
A: Maybe later.
=Mark
--
----
"Ausgesetzt auf den Bergen des Herzens..."
----
Mark E. Slagle PO Box 61059
sla...@lmsc.lockheed.com Sunnyvale, CA 94088
408-756-0895 USA
jmfr...@cc.brynmawr.edu
Terasa Neaveill) wrote:
q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
a: Viola's burn longer
A conductor was working with his orchestra when he heard a disturbance
coming from the back of the string section. When he asked what was going
on the violist pointed to the 2nd and said, "Every time I look away he
turns my music upside down!". The conductor looks to the violinist and
asks what he has to say in the matter. The violinist whines, "That's
nothing, every time I look away she turns one of my pegs down and won't
tell me which one!"
-jenny
Daniel Barolsky
the last year. enjoy!
dgb
***Viola Jokes**** ... and some other stuff.
Q - What do you call 10,000 violas at the bottom of the ocean?
A - A good start.
Q - What's the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the
road and a dead violist in the middle of the road?
A - There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q - What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A - A viola burns longer.
Q - What do violists and terrorists have in common?
A - They both **** up Boeings.
Q - What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A - Terrorists have sympathizers.
Q - What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A - You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police
cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of
police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the
conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned it
down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to
*my* house?"
Q - How do you get 11 violists to play in tune?
A - Shoot 11 of them.
A man (call him Horace) went on a safari in darkest Africa with a
bunch of other people and some native guides. They traveled on foot,
going deep into the jungle where they could hear the screeching of
birds and howling of wild cats and other fierce wild animals. After
a few days of travel, Horace came to notice that there was a
constant drumming noise in the background. He asked the leader of
the guides what the drumming was. He got no answer, just a stony
silence. The drumming continued all day and all night for the next
several days. In fact, as they traveled deeper into the jungle the
drumming got even louder. Horace tried again to find out what the
drumming meant by asking the other native guides, but he still got
no answer. Finally one morning, after days of marching to this
drumming (which by now was sounding quite ominous), the drums
suddenly stopped. The native guides screamed and ran into the jungle
to hide in the undergrowth. The leader remained behind with his
charges, but he was trembling with fear. Horace asked "What is
wrong? Why have the drums stopped?" The native guide replied "Very
bad." "What?" asked Horace, who was expecting the worst. The guide
answered "When drum stops, very bad - next comes viola solo!"
Q - What is the similarity between a viola joke and premature
ejaculation?
A - You know it's coming and there is not a damn thing that you can
do to stop it.
Q - What's the difference between a viola and a vacuum cleaner?
A - You have to plug in a vacuum cleaner before it sucks.
Q - What's the difference between a chain saw and a viola?
A - If you absolutely had to, you could use a chain saw in a string
quartet.
Q - What's the difference between a viola and a lawn mower?
A1 - Vibrato.
A2 - You can tune a lawn mower.
A3 - The owner’s neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don’t
return it.
Q - What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at
conservatories?
A - Violists.
Q - Four violists drive a mini-van off of a cliff. What is the
tragedy?
A - You can easily fit eight violists in a mini-van.
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from Viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.
The conductor of the local opera company was having a problem and
could not make it for the first performance of the weekend. The pit
musicians and percussionists were looking at one another wondering
what they were going to do. The first violist got up and said,
I've done this show hundreds of times, so I think I can conduct it
tonight." Nobody else volunteered, so he went to the podium, took
up the baton, and the performance went on without a hitch. The next
night the conductor made it there, and the first violist went back
to the section. When he sat down, the second violist leaned over
and said, "And where were *you* last night?!"
Q - What is the range of a viola?
A - Thirty feet if you kick it hard enough.
Q - When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously
from a 30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
A - It doesn't matter.
And here's a sort of odd quiz for prospective violists.
YOU TOO CAN BE A VIOLA PLAYER WITH THE BBC SYMPATHY ORCHESTRA
Look what we have found. While sifting through the BBC's dustbins
the other day we came across this. The pass mark is 10% but be
careful, over 45% and you are overqualified. The marks for each
question are shown on the right.
ENTRY EXAM FOR THE BBC SYMPATHY ORCHESTRA---VIOLA PLAYERS
1 - Who wrote the following:-
a) Beethoven's 6th Symphony
b) Faure Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle [15]
2 - Tchaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the
other five. [5]
3 - Explain 'Counterpoint' or write your name on the reverse of the
paper. [10]
4 - Which of the following would *you* tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani b)an organ c)a cello d)a viola [1]
5 - Can you explain `Sonata Form'? Answer yes or no. [5]
6 - Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a
Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton [5]
7 - Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which
instrument? [5]
8 - Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with
the slowest first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace. [4]
9 - Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a
performance? [5]
10 - Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer
Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy>
d) Terry Wogan [5]
11 - Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham [5]
12 - Arrange the following words into a well known Puccini opera.
Boheme, La [5]
13 - Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5]
14 - From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela b) Sri Lanka c) Germany d) Japan [5]
15 - For what town were Haydn's 'Paris' symphonies written? [5]
16 - Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture 'Romeo and Juliet' -- Tchaikovsky
b) 'Romeo and Juliet' -- Berlioz
c) 'Romeo and Juliet' Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) 'Ten Green Bottles' -- anon. [5]
17 - From which song do the following lines come
'God save our gracious Queen, Long live our Noble Queen.'
[5]
18 - Spell the following musical terms.
allegro, rallentando, crotchet, pizzicato, intermezzo [5]
19 - Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? [5]
20 - Arrange the following letters to form the name of a well known
British broadcasting corporation.
C, B, B. [5]
Q - What do a violist and lawyer have in common?
A _ Everyone is much happier when the case is closed
Q - Your walking through a forest completely lost. You come upon clearing
where you find a good violist, a bad violist, and the tooth
fairy. Who do you ask for directions?
A _ The bad violist. The other two are imaginary.
A violist goes to a piano recital. He is so enthralled by the performance
that he goes back stage to compliment the pianist on his performance. The
violist tells the pianist how wonderful the concert was. He then mentions
how especially thrilled he was with the one piece that began with a trill.
The pianist looks confused and replies that none of the pieces began with a
trill. Nevertheless, the violist insisted that there was a composition
which began with a trill. Confused, the pianist looks back over the
program and assured the violist that no pieces began with a trill. The
violist, more insistent than ever says, "yes you did. you know the one
that went like this." (sing Fur Elise)
Q _ How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A _ Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
Q _ How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A _ Put it in a viola case.
Q _ How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
A _ Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
Q _ If you're driving down the street and you see a violist and a conductor
walking by, which one do you hit first?
A _ The conductor: business before pleasure.
Q _ How is playing viola like peeing in a dark suit?
A _ It gives you a warm feeling, but no one notices, and no one really
cares.
Q - What’s the difference between peeing in your pants and viola solo?
A - You don’t get that warm feeling all over after a viola solo.
Q _ What do you do with a violist when he dies?
A _ Move him back a stand.
Q - When a man walks into a bank with a violin case, everyone ducks for
cover.
Why?
A - They're afraid he's going to pull out a machine gun.
Q - When a man walks into a bank with a viola case, everyone ducks for
cover.
Why?
A - They're afraid he's going to play the viola.
Q - What is a violist in sulfuric acid?
A - Solved problem.
Q - What's the difference between a dog and a viola?
A - The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Q - How do you tell a violinist to play like a violist?
A - Sit in the back and don't play.
Q - What's the difference between a first desk violist and a back
desk violist?
A - Usually about half a beat.
Did you hear about the violist who was so bad his section noticed?
Q - What's the difference between 3rd grade and 4th grade Viola
A - In 4th grade, you learn how to hold your viola from memory.
Q - What is the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A - The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
"Violin: n. An instrument designed to give pleasure by scraping the hair of
a
horse across the entrails of a cat." - Ambrose Bierce
Q - How do you get two violas to play in perfect unison?
A - Shoot one.
Q - What’s the definition of a minor second?
A - Two violists playing in unison.
Q - What’s the difference between an viola and an onion?
A - Nobody cries when you chop up an viola.
Q - How can you tell that a violist is at your front door?
A - By the Domino’s Pizza hat.
Q - What do you call a violist who is deaf?
A - Principal
Q - Why did the chicken cross the road?
A - To get away from the viola recital.
After intermission the violist was told to pick up his instrument, so he
took it out for dinner and a show.
Q - Why do violists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A - So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q - How do you get a viola from a tree?
A - Carve away everything that doesn’t resemble a viola.
Q - How do you get a violist from a tree?
A - Cut the noose.
Q - What do you call a violist with half a brain?
A - Gifted.
Q - What is the definition of a gentleman?
A - Someone who knows how to play the viola but doesn’t.
Q - What’s the difference between a dead violist in the road and a dead
snake in the road?
A - Skid marks are in front of the snake.
Q - What’s the difference between a dead violist in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
A - The country singer may have been on the way to recording session.
Q - How can you tell if a viola is out of tune?
A - The bow is moving.
Q - Why is a violist like a Scud missile?
A -Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q - Why are violins smaller than violas?
A - It’s an optical illusion. They’re really the same size. Violas heads
are smaller.
Q - What do violists use for birth control?
A - Their personalities.
Q - How do you know if a viola section is at your front door?
A - No one knows when to come in.
Q - How many violists does it take to tile a kitchen?
A - Just one, but you must slice him very thin.
Q - A violinist and violist fall off a tall building. who hits the ground
first?
A - The violinist; the violist stops to ask directions.
Requirement for the 2nd round of the International Viola competition:
Holding the viola by memory.
“The violist is the hermaphrodite of the orchestra.” --Thomas Beecham
Q - Why are orchestral intermissions limited to twenty minutes?
A - so you don’t have to retrain the violist.
Q - How do you know if a violist is at the front door?
A - He can’t find his key.’
If you took all the violists in the world and laid them end-to-end... it
would be a good idea.
Q - Why aren’t violists allowed to marry each other?
A - Their offspring would be too dumb to play out of tune.
Q - What’s the difference between a violist and a sack of fertilizer?
A - The sack.
Q - What’s black and brown and looks good on a violist?
A - A Doberman.
Q - What do you need when you have a violist up to his neck in quicksand?
A - More quicksand.
Q - What does a good violist weigh?
A - 28 oz. (not including the urn.)
Q - If you were in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and a violist and had a gun
with only two bullets, what should you do?
A - Shoot the violist twice.
A musician calls the symphony ofice to talk the principal violist. He is
told that the violist is dead. He calls back 25 times. The same message
is received. Finally the receptionist asks why he keeps calling. He
replies, “I just like to hear you say it.”
Q - How many violist jokes are there?
A - Just one! (All the rest are true)
Q - What’s the difference between a viola and a violin?
A - A viola burns longer.
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
asks the violist, “What’s wrong?” The violist answers, “The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs.” The conductor replied, “I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying?” To which the violist replied, “He won’t tell me which one!!”
Q - How can you tell when the stage is level?
A - The violists drool from both sides of their mouth.
Q - What’s the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
A - Music Minus One.
Q - What’s a chord
A - Three violists playing in unison.
Q - Why do violists always play with the best intonation?
A -Because they are shot if they play wrong.
Q - Why do violists always play with bad intonation?
A - Can’t shoot them all.
Q - What’s the best sound a viola can make?
A - Splash!!
A violist was hiking in the mountains, and he came upon a shepherd who was
tending a large herd of sheep grazing the in alpine meadow. The violist
took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: “If I can guess how
many sheep you have, can I have one?” The shepherd thought this was an odd
request, but thought that there was little chance that the man would guess
the exact number of sheep, so he said, “Sure.” The violist guessed, “You
have 287 sheep” --to the shepherd’s astonishment, since this was exactly
how many sheep he had. The violist got all excited and asked, “can I pick
out my sheep now?”, and the shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. The
violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung the sheep over his
shoulders, to carry home with him. The shepherd then got an idea and
asked, “If I guess what you occupation is, can I have my sheep back?” The
violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured that it was unlikely that
the shepherd would be able to guess his occupation, and went along with the
deal. The shepherd then guessed, “You’re a violist, aren’t you?” The
violist was very surprised and asked, “How did you know?”-- to which the
shepherd responded, “Put the dog down and we’ll talk about it.”
Q - Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A - It’s usually still in the case.
Q - What’s the longest viola joke?
A - __Harold in Italy__
Definitions:
Accidentals: Wrong notes.
Agitato: State o mind when your valve sticks.
Augmented fifth: 36 oz. bottle.
Breve: A sustained note when you run out of bow.
Cantus firmus: Part you get when you only know four notes.
Detache: Trombonists playing with their slides removed.
Diatonic: Low-calorie Schweppes.
Glissando: A violinist’s technique for difficult runs.
Optimist: A trumpet player who carries a beeper.
Perfect pitch: Throwing viola into the rubbish bin without hitting the
rim.
Senza sordino: You forgot to use your mute in the last passage.
String Quartet: A good violinist, a bad violinist, a failed violinist, and
someone who hates violins getting together to complain about composers.
Daniel G Barolsky
Swarthmore College
dbar...@cc.swarthmore.edu
TeacherKDS
jmfr...@cc.brynmawr.edu writes:
a couple viola jokes.
I once conducted 11 viola concertos at an American Viola Congress, first
class soloists, the works. So I can make all the viola jokes I want to.
>:P
A conductor and a violist are lying in the road. Who do you run over
first?
The conductor: business before pleasure.
What's the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
Who do you you get a violist to play upbow stacatto?
Show him a whole note and tell him its a solo.
A violist returns to his home to find it burning to the ground. A
neighbor rushes up to him and says "The conductor of your orchestra came
to your house, raped your wife, stole your money, chain-sawed all your
furniture and set fire to your house! Of you poor, poor thing! I feel so
bad for you"
Violist (wide-eyed): "The *CONDUCTOR* came to *MY* house?????"
Yep, got a million of 'em. If I didn't like violists so much I wouldn't
love to tell viola jokes with them!
Kevin
Robert S. Swan
(TeacherKDS) wrote:
kes.
>
> I once conducted 11 viola concertos at an American Viola Congress, first
> class soloists, the works. So I can make all the viola jokes I want to.
> Kevin
I'm afraid I don't quite understand why you should be granted license to
make all the viola jokes you want to, and, therefore, trample on people's
sensitivities, because you merely conducted 11 viola concertos. Or perhaps
it's kind of like saying that "...some of my best friends are Polish (or
Jewish, or black, or gay, etc.)". After all, everyone knows we're just
having fun, right?
TeacherKDS
dbar...@cc.swarthmore.edu (Daniel Barolsky) writes:
an encyclopedia of viola jokes.
Thanks, Dan. It's great. Printed and saved.
Kevin Smith
James C Liu
the canonical list; now I can download it again. One small one for balance:
Q: What are flaming oboes good for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.
--
/James C.S. Liu, MD "Walls impede my progress."
jl...@world.std.com "I've lost all the feeling in my shirt."
Department of Medicine
New England Med Ctr, Boston MA -- from the Hidden Brain Damage Scale
Heather Terasa Neaveill
>Q - What do violists and terroists have in common?
>A - They both **** up Boeings.
Huh? Could you explain this? It's not funny. I believe a fellow
violist requested that stupid viola jokes not be posted.
Heather
TeacherKDS
blu...@acns.nwu.edu (Robert S. Swan) writes:
"I'm afraid I don't quite understand why you should be granted license to
make all the viola jokes you want to, and, therefore, trample on
people's
sensitivities, because you merely conducted 11 viola concertos. Or perhaps
it's kind of like saying that "...some of my best friends are Polish (or
Jewish, or black, or gay, etc.)". After all, everyone knows we're just
having fun, right? "
Good grief, Robert. Of course we're having fun! If you can't laugh at
yourself, something's wrong! Trampling? Hell, no. Most of the viola
jokes were told to me by violists, thank god.
Here's one of my favorites:
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
With a bull the horns are in front and the ***hole's in back.
Tell Barenboim to tell some Ophicleide jokes at rehearsals.
Kevin
TeacherKDS
........
By the way, if you really want to see something interesting, read "More
Viola Jokes - sorry but i must" in this newsgroup.
Kevin
ETX-T-RE Liden Fredrik, 96032, KK 1306029
Isn't it funny when the viola-players (is it violists or violators?)
don't understand the jokes themselves :^) !
_ _
Should we tell her how Boeing is pronounced or not? :) (V V || ||)
objoke:
What's the definition of a major seventh?
A violist playing octaves...
Cheers // Fred
Philip F. Wight
bowings, i.e. the method in which a violist bows his/her instrument. Maybe?
I agree, not funny McGee. (anyone old enough to know the origin of that?)
Cheers,
Phil
-----------------
ETX-T-RE Liden Fredrik, 96032, KK 1306029 (etxcfl@kk362) wrote:
: Cheers // Fred
--
Philip F. Wight <pwi...@rahul.net>
S. LaBonne
Robert S. Swan <blu...@acns.nwu.edu> wrote:
>
>I'm afraid I don't quite understand why you should be granted license to
>make all the viola jokes you want to, and, therefore, trample on people's
>sensitivities, because you merely conducted 11 viola concertos. Or perhaps
>it's kind of like saying that "...some of my best friends are Polish (or
>Jewish, or black, or gay, etc.)". After all, everyone knows we're just
>having fun, right?
Oh Robert, get a life. I'm only a moderately decent _amateur_
violost, so admittedly I haven't invested as much of my life
in the viola as you have, but I enjoyed the jokes, indeed some
of them had me rolling on the floor! _Most_ violists I've met
have a sense of humor, but apparently there are exceptions...
--
Steve LaBonne *********************** (labo...@csc.albany.edu)
"It can never be satisfied, the mind, never." - Wallace Stevens
Robert Levine
jmfr...@cc.brynmawr.edu wrote:
> A conductor was working with his orchestra when he heard a disturbance
> coming from the back of the string section. When he asked what was going
> on the violist pointed to the 2nd and said, "Every time I look away he
> turns my music upside down!". The conductor looks to the violinist and
> asks what he has to say in the matter. The violinist whines, "That's
> nothing, every time I look away she turns one of my pegs down and won't
> tell me which one!"
The problem with most viola jokes is that most of them aren't really very
clever. This one, for example, could be about almost any two instruments.
Most jokes about instrumentalists, conductors, and orchestra managers
suffer from the same defect. Manager and conductor jokes are generally
reworked lawyer jokes, for example.
However, here is an instrument joke that actually depends on intrinsic
characteristics of the instrument for its humor:
How do you know when you're being kissed by a horn player? Their lips are
in the right place, but their hand is up your ass.
Now, if I heard more viola jokes of the same calibre (low though it is) I
would feel more comfortable about viola jokes.
Robert Levine
TeacherKDS
writes:
...
Ms. Fox, do you work with James DePriest? If so, I envy you. What a
musician!!
Kevin Smith
Sandra George
: In article <36kb4d$10...@tiger1.ocs.lsu.edu>, hne...@tiger.lsu.edu (Heather
: Terasa Neaveill) wrote:
: -jenny
--
What's the range of a viola?
--Twenty feet if you kick it just right.
A certain conductor was running a rehearsal, and wished to skip the
introduction of the piece they were performing. "Let's start in measure
five," he announced. This was greeted with a frantically waving bow from
the principal violist. "But sir," she cried, "we don't have measure
numbers!"
|\
| \ "I've seen too many optimists sinking like stones,
| / Felt them suck all the marrow right out of my bones."
/| --Joe Gillis
/ | "Sunset Boulevard"
( | ) geor...@nevada.edu
\__|__/ Sandra George
|
\|
Marian Fox
>Robert Levine
Thank you, Robert Levine. We we really appreciate your sensitivity to the
violists' plight of always being the butt of jokes. Nowadays, violists
choose their instrument, work hard on it and love it.
Thanks again.
Marian Fox,
Violist, Oregon Symphony
Marian Fox
>a couple viola jokes.
>Kevin
Then, you probably discovered how nice the violists are and how
intelligent and non competitive.
Marian Fox, violist, Oregon Symphony
Marian Fox
>Kevin
No comment. Enough said about good taste.
Marian Fox
fellow violists in the Oregon Symphony.
His answer, "Oh, God!" He understands because he is also black.
Marian Fox, Violist, Oregon Symphony
Marian Fox
>Kevin Smith
Are you a violist?
Marian Fox
>Daniel Barolsky wrote:
Bravo!!
>Heather
Maestro EK
Here are my two favorite viola jokes, but first a conductor joke:
What is the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On a bull, the horns are in front and the asshole is in the back.
A conductor has to stop a rehearsal because of a hysterical, sobbing
violist.
C: What's the matter?
V: The oboist just twisted my tuning peg.
C: Well, I admit that is very childish of him, but I don't see why you're
crying.
V: He wouldn't tell me which one.
A violist comes home from his day job, only to find a smouldering ruin
instead of his house. Finally, he locates a policeman on the scene.
V: Where's my house?
P: Your conductor was here. He raped your wife, murdered your whole
family, then torched your house.
V: Wow...the conductor came to *my* house?
Jim Clow
>In article <marianf.781920366@pacifier>, mar...@pacifier.com (Marian Fox)
>writes:
>
>...
>
>Ms. Fox, do you work with James DePriest? If so, I envy you. What a
>musician!!
>
>Kevin Smith
TeacherKDS
writes:
>Are you a violist?
No, Ms. Fox, I am not. But I know quite a few violists, men, women,
black, white, orange, green, purple...and most of them laugh and thinks
the jokes are funny. Its meant to be funny. Its not meant to insult.
Its OK to laugh, really. You can subsitute "conductor" or "oboist" or
better yet "violinist" and still have good jokes. Ah well. I'll keep
laughing, because it feels good to laugh. There's enough to cry about
anyway.
Kevin Smith
Marian Fox
>...
>Kevin Smith
Yes, I have played under DePriest since he first came to Portland. We
like him very much. He signed a contract through the year 2000.
Marian Fox
I had nothing to do with these jokes.
In fact I have heard them for years and they don't get any better with time.
Marian Fox, violist