Confessions of a (Former) Smooth-Jazz DJ
JaKe
Confessions of a (Former) Smooth-Jazz DJ
The one-sided battle in the war against smooth jazz still rages. The
mainstream jazzerati continue to fume, foam, fulminate and fuss about
how some people think that music has something to do with jazz.
But how many hardcore jazz lovers have actually spent any time in the
smooth-jazz milieu, listening to the music extensively and getting to
know the smooth-jazz artists and audience? Not many would be my guess".
But I've done my smooth-jazz homework. You see, after many years of
hard labor in the world of mainstream-jazz radio, I decided to cross
over and take a walk on the mild side.
It started a little over a year ago when, after a couple of decades as
a mainstream-jazz radio programmer, I was lured away by an offer from
Bigger Money to host the morning-drive show at my city's smooth-jazz
station. I figured that I was old enough and cynical enough to sell out
successfully, so I took the job.
To commemorate my one-year anniversary at the new station, Bigger Money
invited me into its office, gave me a firm but otherwise neutral
handshake, massaged my backside with a severance check and <encouraged
me to contemplate the romance and allure of the open road immediately.
Smooth jazz had given me the bum's rush and I can't say that I was
surprised. To put it bluntly, I sucked as a smooth- jazz host, at least
in part because I had absolutely no affinity for the music.
However, unlike many, perhaps most, mainstream-jazz fans, I've never
really hated smooth jazz. I just never cared about it much one way or
the other and couldn't really understand why anybody would listen to it
in any circumstance other than when getting one's teeth cleaned or
sitting in the auto dealership waiting for the bad news about the
brakes. But now, after having lived through a year of playing it on the
radio every Monday through Friday for five hours a day, and then
getting fired for my pains, you might think that I've finally joined
the jazz majority and come to loathe it. Oddly enough, that is not the
case. I still just don't care about it much one way or the other.
OK, that's not quite true. Toward the end of my abbreviated smooth-
jazz career I was beginning to find the music somewhat annoying-in the
same way that a person who doesn't absolutely love dogs finds them
annoying. The dog is just trying so damn hard to be your friend that
you have the rather perverse, and downright ignoble, desire to give it
a sharp whack on the snout, just to wake it up as well as to discourage
it from spreading its saliva all over your clothing. In fact, if you
ever meet a smooth-jazz artist, don't be surprised if you find that you
have to fight down the urge to shake your finger in the person's face
and shout, "Stay down!" because most of them are very much like
dogs-and I mean that in a good way. Smooth-jazz artists are quite
friendly and eager to please. All in all, they're a nice bunch of
folks.
And you might be surprised, perhaps even pleased, to know that most of
them have no false illusions about being great jazz musicians. Most of
them simply see themselves as professional entertainers who want to
give the fans their money's worth. They put on a show and play their
music-generally in that order. And, as stated above, they seem to be
quite happy to be doing it.
As it turns out, the false illusions about smooth jazz come mainly from
the fans. As opposed to many of the players, the fans actually think
that the funk-lite-instrumental-pop music they enjoy really is some
manner of jazz.
I remember one morning, after 1" played some smooth-jazz saxo- phone
instrumental, the computer-generated playlist directed me to play
Stevie Wonder's "Superstition," a song I've always liked. About halfway
through the song, the telephone rang. I answered it and a very stern
gentleman said, "I just wanted you to know that I've turned off my
radio. I'm a smooth-jazz aficionado and this pop crap that you throw in
there isn't jazz." It took every ounce of restraint I could muster not
to say, "But, sir, you don't seem to understand. None of the music
played on this station is jazz. None of it!"
And, of course, that's exactly what drives mainstream-jazz lovers,
nuts: It's not jazz! Smooth jazz has taken a beating for years only
because the word jazz somehow found its way into the marketing of the
genre. 1 If it Gas simply called "smooth music" only the people who
liked it would be paying any attention to it at all. And if that was
the case, all those anti-smooth-jazz screeds and flame wars would
disappear from the Internet and there would be much more room in
cyberspace for other equally futile and unimportant arguments.
But that won't happen. It'll continue to be smooth jazz until it has
run its course and fades away. Until then, smooth-jazz players and
their fans will go right on having a good time with each other no
matter what you or I say. And more power to them. There's not enough
happiness in this world as it is.
So maybe it's time to just leave them alone. After all, you know and
I know that "real" jazz radio is much better than smooth-jazz radio.
Yeah, real jazz radio, with all those long, incredibly complex, totally
self- indulgent passages of improvisation that keep saying over and
over, "Look at me, Ma, look at me."
And those acoustic bass solos that pop up out of nowhere and totally
destroy the momentum of a song.
And let's not forget all those second- and third-tier jazz vocalists
who seem to have, at best, a shaky concept of pitch. But when it's
suggested that he or she might be singing flat, the response goes
something like, "Oh, don't be an idiot. I'm not flat, I'm dissonant.
It's what was called for in the moment. I was responding to the
moment-and you should have to listen to that moment on this CD for the
rest of your life!"
Yeah, by and large, that's real jazz radio alright-and we know the
difference.