Let's have some more music jokes!
john sayre
mood to hear any kind of music or musician joke! How 'bout *you*
guys?!
Here's my contribution:
A musician appears at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets him.
"Welcome to Heaven. Before you enter, I must inform you that you don't
have to go Heaven. You may go to Hell if you like. The choice is
yours."
Of course, the musician replies, "Why on earth would I want to do
*that*?"
"Well," St. Peter says, rolling out the video monitor. Take a look.
The musician looks at the Heaven video and sees a quiet and peacful
paradise. A brilliant sun is shining and everyone is very nice,
floating through the air, gently batting their lace-like wings. Then
the Hell video comes on. It looks like an eternal party! Everybody is
singing and dancing! Everywhere there are musicians joyfully playing
their instruments!
"OK, I'll go to Hell!" says the musician.
In an instant, the musician is in a huge pot of boiling water, with
fire all around. The pain is excruciating, and the Devil is poking the
musician with a pitch fork.
"Wait a minute!!" screams the musician, "This is *not* what I saw on
the tape!!"
The Devil replies, "That, my friend, was my demo."
Henry Law
<URL:http://www.mit.edu:8001/people/jcb/other-instrument-jokes.html>
I think there are V***A jokes there, but please let's not start that
thread off again.
--
Henry Law <>< h...@thelaws.demon.co.uk
Manchester, England
Nestor Lopez
section, of the Pajuki Symphony orchestra (Pajuki: a 200 people town in
the middle of redneck Florida.) One day, this viola player found a lamp
and, continuing with the tradition, he decided to rubbed. From this lamp
a genie emerged and said: "I will give you three wishes" The viola player
said I want to improve my playing 100% I want to be the best a can be..."
So he found himself as the first viola player of the Pajuki Symphony
Orchestra. Some time later he called the genie and said " I want to play
even better, I want to play like the best players in the world" The genie
said "sure!" And our friend found himself principal viola of the Chicago
Symphony Orchestra. The time went on and he was not satisfied , so he
called the genie and said " You have to do something, I need to be
better, I want to play even better!!!!!!" And the genie once again said
"sure!" And this time our friend can be found as the inside player, of
the last stand, of the violin section, of the Pajuki Symphony Orchestra.
schnobrich
vibrato...
What's the difference between a bassoon and an oboe?
a bassoon burns longer...
--
O sch...@infi.net
<^-
\/ \
\ (GO FOR IT!!!)
Dave Stoler
he says to her, "I want you to do the first four bars in E flat, the
second four in A flat, and the last eight in 3/4 time." The singer
looks at him and says "how do you expect me to do that?" "You did it
last night", he answers.
A jazz musician goes to heaven and St. Peter leads him to the eternal
big band. He looks around and sees all the great players. Then he
notices in the corner a hunched over person playing trumpet at the
ground, but couldn't see his face. He approached St. Peter and told him
that he didn't recognize the trumpet player. St. Peter responded,
"Shhh, that's God, he thinks he's Miles Davis."
Mark Leccese
Valentine"?
A: All of them, apparently.
&:-}
Shimpei Yamashita
assistant conductor got in car accidents, putting them out of
commission for at least three weeks. The organizers searched for a new
conductor, but came up with nothing (after all, this was a new work and
no one else could get ready in a week).
Desperate, they went to the orchestra and told them, "Look, we're a
week away from the opening night and we don't have a conductor. You
guys know the music. Can one of you fill in as a conductor until the
maestro comes back?" After a short pause, one of the viola players got
up and said, "Yeah, I can do it." The organizers were hesitant; after
all, he was a VIOLA player, for heaven's sakes. But there were no other
volunteers, so they decided to take a chance with him.
And he actually turned out to be a capable replacement. The players
liked him. He knew the music well. The opening night came and went
without any problems, with the newspapers noting that the orchestra
performing well in spite of a substitute conductor. And so it went for
another two weeks until the regular conductor finally left the
hospital and returned to the podium. The conductor shook hands with
the violist, gave him flowers, and the violist took out his viola and
sat down in his seat next to his stand partner for the first time in
three weeks.
And then his stand partner exclaimed, "Hey! Haven't seen you in three
weeks! Where have you been all this time?"
--
Shimpei Yamashita, Stanford University shi...@leland.stanford.edu
<http://www-leland.stanford.edu/~shimpei/index.html>
Fight censorship! Visit alt.religion.scientology today!
Mark S Fraser
time. The secretary answers the phone. The musician asks "Could you tell
me what time rehersal is today?" and the secretary replies "I'm very sorry
to inform you that rehersal is cancelled. The conductor has died.". A few
moments pass and the musician calls her up again and asks "Could you tell
me what time rehersal is today?" and again she replies "I'm very sorry to
inform you that the conductor has died and rehersal has been cancelled". A
few minutes later he calls up again - "Could you tell me what time
rehersal is today?" and the secretary shouts " I've already told you twice
the conductor is dead! What the hell is wrong with you?". The musician
replies "Oh I know he's dead.... I just like to hear you say it.".
How do you make a viola sound like a violin? Sit in the back and don't play.
What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who can play the clarinet
but doesn't.
More to follow.
Peace,
Mark.
--
o/ o/
/| "All I want to do is play the blues in F /|
/ > / >
John Clayton Foster
How can you tell when a viola is playing out of tune?
The bow is moveing
A. Koning
A: I'll have a hamburger please.
Roger Musson
Could orchestrate well,
But when he wrote "Tales of Mother Goose" he
Was consciously influenced by Debussy.
>The bow is moveing
Roger Musson
British Geological Survey
e_r...@va.nmh.ac.uk
David Rapp
1,4,5.
How many guitar players...?
One to do it and 99 to say "I could do that better!"
How many metal guitarists...?
One to do it and 99 to say "I could that FASTER!"
How many bass players...?
One, but the guitarist has to show him how to do it.
How many country music bass players...?
1,5,1,5,1,5...
How many sound techs...?
One, TWO! One, one, TWO!
How many punks...?
"The old lightbulb was so much better. The new one's a f***ing sellout."
How many guitar store clerks...?
"Here, buy this burnt-out one. It's vintage."
How can you tell if a lead singer is knocking on your door?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door?
The knocking keeps slowing down.
John Peekstok
One whose spouse has TWO jobs.
How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one -- she just grabs it and waits for the world to revolve around her.
--
_______________________________________
John Peekstok john...@cyberspace.com (My own opinions, of course)
Telynor tel...@aol.com
Robert J. Frank
says on the first day of his/her first job?
A: Paper or Plastic?
Rob Frank, D.M.A., first day on the job
Sack -N- Save!
(UNT, Really!)
Robert J. Frank
A: Two to drink the keg of beer, and one to hold the bulb while the room
spins!
John Clayton Foster
what is the difference between a soprano sax and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Neil Tingley
Scottish International Piano Competition
piano: up-right
...well its better than some and worse than others
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Neil Tingley My new homepage plus CV/resume is at:
ne...@music.demon.co.uk *http://www.cityscape.co.uk/users/dw34*
Edinburgh, SCOTLAND *cc job offers to 10057...@compuserve.com !*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ray Toler
How many lead vocalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, but the world has to revolve beneath him.
A bass player moved in with his girlfriend and her 7 year old son. One
morning she awoke to a horrendous shriek and, rushing into the living room,
found her boyfriend chasing her son around with murderous eyes and yelling
obscenities.
"What the hell are you doing?" she cried.
"I'm gonna kill him!!" the bass player yelled back.
"Why?" she asked.
"Little bastard turned one of my tuning pegs and won't tell me which one!"
Ray Toler Production, Composition, Arranging,
Tortured Artist Music Design, Multimedia, Consulting
Tortured Artist Enterprises
ret...@acs.tamu.edu
"One learns from books...only that certain things can be done.
Actual learning requires that you do those things."
--Frank Herbert
John Peekstok
and the moon, that would be a good thing.
Nancy Curry
A: They don't know how to use the slide, and they can't swing either.
--
Nancy Curry "Where love is deep, much can be
ncu...@worldgate.edmonton.ab.ca accomplished". --Shinichi Suzuki
Research Dept
I was suffering from depression for years.
I tried different drugs but nothing helped.
Music helped a bit, and I listened often.
One day, I saw a message about a CBS news piece and negative ions.
I read the internet file, did more research, bought a machine and it
changed my life. I use it in the room where I listen to music and I now
feel great, energetic and alive!! The combination of the two is
amazing.
Read it (it's quite interesting)
*Don't hit reply*
Just send e-mail to <dan...@ic.net> with SEND RESEARCH in the the
subject line.
No drugs now, and sleeping like a baby.
-Paul
Dave Stoler
Q: What does a Grateful Band groupie way when he runs out of drugs?
A: This band sucks
Q:What do you call two accordians at the bottom of the ocean?
A:A start.
Dave Stoler
Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a tenor sax?
A: Vibrato
Q: What's the difference between a dead trombone player in the road and
a dead squirrel in the road?
A: The squirrel was on his way to a gig
Mark Garvin
How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes.
How do you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and miss lots of rehearsals.
-------------------------------------------
What's the range of a tuba?
About 20 yards, if you've got a good arm.
Mark G.
Mike Conway
A: When the drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth
James Underwood
Overheard in alt.guitar or a tablature newsgroup:
Q: How do you make a guitarist quit playing so loud?
A: Put music in front of him.
David Cleary
A: Homeless.
Q: How do you make two piccolo players play in tune?
A: Shoot one of them.
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a Porche?
A: Not many men have been inside a Porche.
Q: How do you make a cellist play a passage loud?
A: Mark it "piano, espressivo."
:)
Dave
(a cellist)
Brad Williams
Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two oboes in unison.
Ba Da Bing!
--
magnus.frykberg
a bull and a bigband?
A: The bull has got the horns in front
and the asshole in the back
TsunamiInc
Only one, but he'll be late.
What do you call an accordian player with a beeper?
An optimist.
What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?
Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Don Cameron
Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
---
Copied from rec.humor.funny some time ago:
Leonard Slatkin, new music director for the National Symphony, prides
himself on having the largest collection on conductor jokes in the world.
This one is paraphrased from an interview he did with with NPR:
So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that
things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be on
time and that they will work for many long hours. The timpanist,
expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the
drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around
furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!"
---
A violist was hiking in the mountains, and came upon a shepherd who was
tending a large flock of sheep grazing the in an alpine meadow. The
violist took a fancy to the sheep, and asked the shepherd: "If I can
guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd thought
this was an odd request, but thinking there was little chance that the
man would guess the exact number of sheep, he said, "Sure." The violist
then guessed, "You have 287 sheep" to the shepherd's astonishment, since
this was exactly how many sheep he had. The violist got all excited and
asked, "Can I pick out my sheep now?", and the shepherd grudgingly gave
his permission. The violist selected his sheep, bent over, and swung
the sheep over his shoulders to carry home with him. The shepherd then
got an idea and asked, "If I guess what your occupation is, can I have
my sheep back?" The violist was a bit surprised by this, but figured
that it was unlikely that the shepherd would be able to guess his
occupation, and went along with the deal. The shepherd then guessed,
"You're a violist, aren't you?" The violist was very surprised and
asked, "How did you know?" -- to which the shepherd responded, "Put the
dog down and well talk about it."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don Cameron d...@cup.hp.com | you are in a maze of twisty little
Hewlett-Packard, Cupertino, CA | hemi-demi-semiquavers, all alike ...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dave Botteron
>From: jps...@ix.netcom.com (john sayre)
>Subject: Let's have some more music jokes!
>Date: 26 Aug 1995 15:54:20 GMT
>Somebody just posted a request for conductor jokes. Well, I'm in the
>mood to hear any kind of music or musician joke! How 'bout *you*
>guys?!
3 Men die and go to heaven.
St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and asks them
'How much did you make last year and what do you do for a living?'
The first man says, 'I made $300,000, I'm a lawyer.'
The second man says, 'I made $125,000, I'm an accountant.'
The third man says, 'I made $14,500 last year.'
St. Peter asks, 'What instrument do you play?'
-Dave
Thomas F Brown
Just one, but he goes through three boxes of bulbs.
Edblock
bringing home a new puppy?
A: Eventually, the puppy stops whining.
Mark Daly
and during his set he told this one.
Speedfreak Guitar Hero is in the studio when the producer walks in;
Producer : "Ready?"
Guitarist : "Let me tune up first, man."
The producer fiddles with the mixing desk for a few minutes and when he
looks up Speedfreak is still tuning his instrument.
Producer : "Are you ready to roll yet?"
Guitarist : "Gotta get it right, man"
The producer goes away and grabs a coffee and when he returns twenty minutes
later the guy's still at it.
Producer (losing patience) : "Look, we had Andre Segovia in here last week
and he only took a minute to tune his guitar!"
Guitarist : "So? Maybe he didn't _give a damn_ !"
yours in music
Marky
John Peekstok
Someone who plays the violin, someone who can't play the violin, someone
who won't play the violin, and someone who hates the violin.
Graeme Lemin
>From: ret...@vms2.tamu.edu (Ray Toler)
>Subject: Re: Let's have some more music jokes!
>Date: 28 Aug 1995 15:23 CDT
>A bass player moved in with his girlfriend and her 7 year old son. One
>morning she awoke to a horrendous shriek and, rushing into the living room,
>found her boyfriend chasing her son around with murderous eyes and yelling
>obscenities.
>"What the hell are you doing?" she cried.
>"I'm gonna kill him!!" the bass player yelled back.
>"Why?" she asked.
>"Little bastard turned one of my tuning pegs and won't tell me which one!"
Now this one made me laugh!!!!
Well done!
Graeme
Gerard Ilott
says...
>
>Q: How many Tuba players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>A: Two to drink the keg of beer, and one to hold the bulb while the room
>spins!
>
>
What do you get when you cross a tuba player with a cow?
A cow that can't march.
or
What is the definition of a extrovert?
A tuba player who is so out of tune his section notices.
How about:
Why does a band have the tubas at the back?
To interpret messages for the drummers.
Ray Toler
A: Five. One to screw it in, and four to bitch about it being electric
in the first place.
How to be a conductor: (from a cartoon in my father's office)
1. Step on podium
2. Hold baton
3. Wave arms until music stops
4. Turn to audience and bow
Timothy Kelly
A new angel was giving out musical instruments and tickets at the
pearly gates elevators.
She looked at the nerdy computer geek standing in front of her,
checked his nametag and said.
" we've got a special job for you. Take the express elevator all the
way to the basement. "
The geeky guy got on and pressed the big red basement button. After
about an hour, the elevator finally reached the bottom.
He stepped out into a seemingly endless yard full of moving vans.
A devil who looked exactly like Bill Gates roared up on a bright
red Harley, which was belching huge clouds of smoke and flame.
The nerd asked. " Is This Heaven? "
The devil replied. " Depends on who you ask. Lets just say, we dont
have any air conditioning or Haagen Das." He handed the new arrival a
big red pitchfork.
" Use this to empty out those moving vans. Pile up everything nice
and neat and I'll be back later with some matches."
The newly dead guy asked. " Whats inside."
The devil grinned. " All the computer software and synthesizer
manuals you wrote that no one could ever figure out."
The nerd goaned. " I could be here for eternity."
The devil laughed. " Hey bubba, just be glad you weren't working on
the Windows 95 development team. We've got 1 million networked 486's
linked together trying to come up with some proper tortures for them.
The nerd asked. " Is that why you look like Bill Gates? "
The devil replied. " I am Bill Gates. Only a true devil could come
up with Windows 95. Actually the whole thing was just designed so that
I could play Doom with decent music, graphics and sound. And of course,
so I could make applesauce out of whats left of Apple Computers,
Compuserve and AOL. " He looked around at the endless field of moving
vans. " By the time you finish, I'll be ready for Windows 2005."
--
MidiVox-Worlds 1st Voice to Midi Converter. Real Time. No Delays.
Hum a Bass, Croon a Sax, Scat a Horn, Scream a Guitar, Rap some
Drums, Sing a Cello.
Become a Human Sequencer, Human Vocoder, Human Breath Controller.
AES "Best in Show." EM "Editors Choice." " MidiVox Roars."
Keyboard.
Don Steiny
There's this guy who decides the wants to tour the deep jungles of
Africa. So, he hires a guide and off he goes.
They are trecking along and after a while drums start to beat. It is
like a movie, they seem to be everywhere, but from no direction at all. The
guy turns to the guide and says: "what do the drums mean, is there any
problem?" "No," said the guide "drums no problem."
They continue along for days and all day and all night the drums keep
beating, the guy keeps asking the guide "is the any problem?" and the guide
keeps reassuring him that the drums are not a problem.
Then one day the drums abrubtly stop.
The guy turns to the guide and says "the drums stopped, what does that
mean?"
The guide said: "drums stop, very bad."
The guy says, "what is it? What does it mean?"
The guide said: "Now bass solo starts."
-don
--
Don Steiny - ste...@infopoint.com - http://www.infopoint.com
InfoPoint - voice 1+(408) 425-5343 - fax: 1+(408) 425-1919
Central California shopping, entertainment, dining and lodging
A creation of Don Steiny Software - 1+(408) 425-0382
-- success is 99% failure - Honda --
A. Koning
The first lady asks "How did your date go with that musician? What
instrument does he play?"
The second lady responds "Oh, John? He plays the French Horn. It went
okay. He's nice and handsome, but..."
"But what?" the first lady wants to know.
"Every time he kissed me, he stuck his fist up my ass."
Arjan
Thipdrum
Earth. The first one meets St. Peter at the gates, where St. Peter says,
"What did you do on Earth?" The man replied, "I was a doctor. I spent
all of my energy in cancer research." To this, St. Peter opened the gates
and the doctor was welcomed. The second man, after the same question,
replied, "I was a criminal prosecutor. I put over 1000 criminals in
jail." Once again, St. Peter opened the gates and said, "You are welcome
to pass through. Welcome to eternal bliss." The third guy stepped up.
St. Peter again asked, "What did you do on Earth?" The man replied, "I
was a musician. I did mostly society gigs such as weddings, bar mitzvahs,
parties, and social functions." St. Peter, instead of opening the gates,
said, "Okay. Drive around back, ring the bell, take the service elevator
up to the second floor, through the kitchen.........."
-Tom Hipskind
Seth Jackson
a) How many songwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
(Twelve - two to collaborate on changing the bulb, and ten to critique
their work)
b) How many music publishers does it take to change a light bulb?
(One - but I'm going to have to live with this bulb for a while to see if
it really needs any changes)
--
Seth Jackson
David Crohn
Q: The banjo is to the guitar:
A: as the harpsicord is to the piano.
Matthew H. Fields
Terence Weir
Q. Do you know what the Banjo player got on his SATs ???
A. Drule
Lord of the Pianos
: Maurice Ravel
: Could orchestrate well,
: But when he wrote "Tales of Mother Goose" he
: Was consciously influenced by Debussy.
: >The bow is moveing
: Roger Musson
: British Geological Survey
: e_r...@va.nmh.ac.uk
Q: How much range does a tuba have?
a: It depends on how good your arm is.
Q: What do you call a trombonist with a pager?
A: An optimist.
SongDoc
>What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?
>Eventually the puppy stops whining.
Hey! I resemble that remark!!!
Alan Mukamal
Q: What's the difference between an onion and a trombone?
A: No one cries when you cut up a trombone.
Thomas F Brown
What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a savings bond?
Eventually the savings bond will mature and earn some money.
James Scott u
Put sheet music in front of him.
hench
an ad in which a "Rock guitarist seeks bass player to
record some tunes". My friend called the guitarist, whose
gravely voice betrayed a three pack a day habit, and
agreed to meet him at a local pub. When my friend showed
up at the agreed venue, he immediately noticed an
incredibly grungy guy hanging out in the corner. His
first thought was, "Oh God, I hope its not this guy!" It
was.
Anyway, my friend asked the guy how many tunes he had
written. "About 500." He asked him what his music was
about, and why he's written so many songs. "Mostly I write
tunes as a way to work out my personal problems", the
guitarist replied. I asked my friend if he took the guy
up on his offer. His reply was classic. "Look, if
someone can't work out his personal problems in a double
album, I don't want anything to do with him."
John - who admits this story sounds an awful lot like
an urban legend...
Rob Roeder
A: No-one cries when you chop up a bagpipe!
Q: How do you make a guitar player turn down?
A: Put a chart in front of him!
Seth Jackson
Q: How do you address a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
A: "Will the defendant please rise?"
--
Seth Jackson
Len Mullenger
It's 70 years today since we first heard the Charlestone --- but there's
no need to flap!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Music is not an acquired culture ... it is an active part of natural life.
Thomas A. Barnard
That's Great Highland bagpipe. it cuts.
John Sullivan
tb...@shrsys.hslc.org
Shove your hand up the bell and crack every other note.
(I know its weak, sorry)
Ford Prefect
and tells them:
-Here in heaven we have a rule that before a musician gets in, we
stick him with a needle for every bum note he's played during
his life. Now, how many have you played?
-Er, five, says the first guitarist reluctantly.
-I confess, nine, says the other.
-OK then, come with me, says St. Peter.
As they are passing a door, a horrible scream emanates from the room
behind it. The guitarists ask 'What was that!?'
-Oh, that's nothing, says St. Peter, 'just a bassist in a sewing machine.'
Scott Hardy
million dollars.
The amount was so huge that it became a big media event. When a
reporter showed up and asked what he would do with the money, he
shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know man, guess I'll keep
working until it runs out!"
Eric A. Maginniss
She's got her hand up your butt.
Eric A. Maginniss
Paul French
It took him three hours to get the drummer out.
Joseph Spencer
A: 'Cause you can always tell when there's one coming, and there's
nothing you can do about it.
Antony W. Alumkal
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four--one to do it and three to stand around saying, "Yeah, I can do
that too..."
Tony (one of the three guitarists!) :-)
--
========================================================================
Tony Alumkal |"And they're all calling out my name,
Dept. of Sociology | even academics searching printed word."
aalu...@phoenix.princeton.edu| --The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway
JonVanhala
Put some music in front of him.
Jon Vanhala (AKA Bonejazz)
GRP Recording Company
********************************************************************
The above opinions or statements made by Jon Vanhala are his and his alone
and do not reflect in any way the official views or statements of the GRP
Recording Company.
In other words, I'm up here on my own and paying for this AOL account!
The GRP Recording Company is comprised of Impulse!, Blue Thumb Records,
GRP Records, Stretch, Decca Jazz, and Chess Jazz
*****************************************************************
Matthew H. Fields
Matthew H. Fields <fie...@zip.eecs.umich.edu> wrote:
)In article <424tsa$a...@galaxy.ucr.edu>,
)David Crohn <David...@ucr.edu) wrote:
))S.A.T. question:
))Q: The banjo is to the guitar:
))A: as the harpsicord is to the piano.
)And the correct answer is:
)As basil is to oregano!
Actually, to be overtly pedantic, the correct answer is
"as side-drum is to slit-drum".
Dennis Mitcheltree
A buzzsaw sounds better in a small group.
Here's a long one not for reverent jazz fans(I am in no way responsible for
the content in this joke):
The lead trumpet player in Buddy Rich's big band calls up management with a
question.
Trumpet:"When are we going out on the road with Buddy again?"
Secretary:"Oh, didn't you hear? Buddy died yesterday."
Trumpet:"Wow, OK, thanks."
Lead trumpet calls management again the next day.
Trumpet:"When are we going out on the road with Buddy again?"
Secretary:"I told you yesterday that Buddy died, there won't be any road
tour."
Trumpet:"OK, thanks."
Lead trumpet calls management again(!) the next day.
Trumpet:"When are we going out on the road with Buddy again?"
Secretary:"Look, I told you yesterday, there won't be any road tour! Buddy
is dead! Why do you keep calling?"
Trumpet:"It's just so nice to hear."
dengor music
309 Fifth Avenue, Suite 209, Brooklyn NY 11215
Tel (718) 399-3407 Fax (718) 399-0726
Charles Fowler
Move him back a desk.
--
Charles Fowler
cfo...@hookup.net
Dona Greene
Have you heard about the new musical animation by Disney? He's using
Frankie Yankovich as musical director; it's called POLKAS HAUNT US.
Brian Gross
Good grief! These jokes are beginning to feel like
deja vu all over again!
Maybe I can add something that hasn't been posted
already. Not exactly a joke, but it's funny.
I saw a TV special about James Stewart. He related
a story about practicing for the role of Glen Miller
in a movie. He was learning how to fake playing the
trombone (from someone who's name I've forgotten).
He related a story that went something like this:
After a few sessions he said "Jimmy, I'm sorry but
I have to quit working with you."
"But why?"
"Well, Jimmy, those, er, SOUNDS you make with
the trombone have so affected me that I went home,
yelled at my wife and KICKED MY DOG. I've NEVER
kicked my dog before!"
Well, I suggested that maybe if we stuffed the
mouthpiece so that I couldn't make any sounds he
could continue. He took to that right away...
And now back to your regularly scheduled jokes ...
Brian
Richard J H Warren
I didn't wake up this morning.
How many jazz pianists does it take to change a light-bulb.
Screw the changes, we'll fake it!
What do you call the guy who hangs around with musicians?
Yngwie Malmsteen.
What do you call a guy who thinks he's Elvis?
Mr Presley.
What happened when Keith locked his keys in the car?
He spent an hour trying to get Mick out.
--
Richard Warren
ric...@central.co.uk
Mark Garvin
A: Homeless
Thomas F Brown
>
>Good grief! These jokes are beginning to feel like
>deja vu all over again!
>
>Maybe I can add something that hasn't been posted
>already. Not exactly a joke, but it's funny.
I too have a true anecdote (names changed to protect the guilty):
An extremely well-known film composer--let's call him Jerry
Goldsmith--once told me that when he felt uninspired, he would
cheat on his wife to get his juices going again.
When I related this story to my friend TT, he said "damn, I'd
hate to see what he was screwing when he scored The Exorcist."
MattB5
A: Start with two million . . .
Nick Batzdorf
sing a song with them:
"Eh, do youse guyce know 'Strangers in da Night?'
Yes.
"Then can youse do it in 5/4?"
Yes.
So he counts if off:
"1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 Strangers in the f!@#ing night....
Ulrich Heinen
A: Moscow Symphony Orchestra after its America concert tour!
(Apologies to all the russian internetters, this joke is probably out of date
by now... :-)
___________________________________________________________
\ /
\ Ulrich Heinen + Zaehringer Str. 28 + 79108 Freiburg /
\ /
\ 0761 509110 + hei...@ruf.uni-freiburg.de /
\_________________________________________________/
David South, Jr.
MUSICIAN JOKES
How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison? Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second? Two flutes playing a unison.
What's the difference between an oboe & an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up
an oboe.
What's the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your
pants? Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? You take off your
shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards? So they can park in
the handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? You can have the
lawnmower tuned, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the
lawnmower and don't return it.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to
handle the bulb, and four others to contemplate how Charlie Parker would have
done it.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari sax? Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to do
it and the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Put your hand in the bell
and miss a lot of notes.
What's the definition of a gentleman? Someone who knows how to play trombone,
but doesn't.
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in
the road? Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the difference between a dead country singer and a dead trombonist in
the road? The country singer may have been on the way to a gig.
What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards--if you've got a good arm.
Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses? So they don't
disgrace themselves in the parade.
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None...they have
machines that do that now.
What do you call someone who hangs around musicians? A drummer.
What does the timpanist say when he gets to his gig? "Would you like fries with
that, sir?"
What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test? Drool.
What's the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison strings.
Why are pianists fingers like lightning? They rarely strike the same place
twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving.
Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? Both are offensive AND inaccurate.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola? Sit in the back and don't play.
How do you know if a viola section is at your door? Nobody knows when to come
in.
What's the difference between a dog and a viola? The dog knows when to stop
scratching.
Why are violins smaller than violas? They're not. Violinists heads are larger.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola? The cello burns longer.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? The coffin has the corpse
on the inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to
retrain the cellists.
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? He turned a tuning peg and
wouldn't tell him which one.
A bass player we know was so bad, even the section noticed.
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None, the piano
player can do that with his left hand.
How does a soprano change a light bulb? She just holds it and the world
revolves around her.
What's the difference between a soprano and the P.L.O.? You can negotiate with
the P.L.O.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end-to-end...it would be
a good idea.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit
the ground first? Who cares.
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer? The sack.
Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants? They've had little use.
A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor. Is told he is
dead. Calls back 25 times. Same message from receptionist. She asks why he
keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise.
How do you get a guitarist to play softer? Give him a sheet of music.
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? When you plug
them in, they suck.
How many soundmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, two three...one
two, three...
"Hey, buddy. How late does the band play?" "Oh, about half a beat behind the
drummer."
Antony W. Alumkal
A: Two. One to do it and one to make sure his hair doesn't get tangled up
in the process.
Tony
Richard Sabey
>How can you tell when a viola is playing out of tune?
>The bow is moving
Here's another oldie: A harpist is a musician who spends half his time
tuning his instrument and the other half playing an out-of-tune instrument.
An early sonata by Messiaen has been discovered, which shows some influence
of Schumann. The first movement is marked "As slow as possible", and, later,
"Slower" and "Even slower".
Michel Robitaille
A : One's a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish !
Chris Pinard
: Q: What's the difference between an onion and a trombone?
: A: No one cries when you cut up a trombone.
This one's mean. This one's cruel. I like it! (even though I am a trombonist)
--
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Chris Pinard | Don't Panic! 42 is |
| (sla...@wpi.edu) | the Answer to Everything! |
| also |------------------------------------|
| (zap...@river.biddeford.com) | Slarti at the #ircbar |
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gdw...@matsu.ak.net
> Subject: Re: Let's have some more music jokes!
What's the difference between a violin and a viola???
The viola burns longer...
What do you call a person who hangs out with a group of musicians?
The drummer...
What did they find in Beethoven's piano stool?
His last movement...
Benjamin Maas
Run over it with a lawnmower?
(I just rejoined this group.... I hope it hasn't already run)
Ben Maas
bm...@uhura.cc.rochester.edu
Ulrich Heinen
A: The harp - always pizzicato and empty strings!
Joel Glassman
Thats when you pitch a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
Dave
A: The lipstick.
Dave Ernst (da...@entertain.com)
Bass Trombone
Arapahoe Philharmonic Orchestra
ChipFrontz
A: No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
Hoping this hasn't already been posted,
Chip
Bill Reid
and an out of tune bassist, who all give you directions to water.
Whom do you believe?
The out of tune bassist. Either of the other two would indicate you
were hallucinating.
---------
Bill Reid
---------
Sek-Mun Wong
: Overheard in alt.guitar or a tablature newsgroup:
: Q: How do you make a guitarist quit playing so loud?
: A: Put music in front of him.
And don't forget...
Q: How do you stop a guitarist playing?
A: Put notes on the sheet of music.
------------------------------------------------------
Sek-Mun Wong
sek...@mpx.com.au
Sydney, Australia
DRLUHTA
A: A good start.
Matthew H. Fields
Richard Sabey <r...@swindon.gpsemi.com> wrote:
>An early sonata by Messiaen has been discovered, which shows some influence
>of Schumann. The first movement is marked "As slow as possible", and, later,
>"Slower" and "Even slower".
Gee, I thought this actually happens somewhere in Beethoven!
Rick
>
>
> This is a true story:
> I used to work in the music building of the University of North
> Carolina at Greensboro which has a large music program. I was
> sitting outside the recital hall just as a concert ended. Two
> young women walked out and one said to the other, "Isn't it
> amazing that Verdi's requiem and Mozart's requiem have *exactly*
> the same words?!"
>
> Needless to say she was a soprano (and in my girlfriend's studio).
Uh-oh...girl-bashing? Dumb blondes? Pretty sexist remark there, John...
> John
Can't ROTFL over this one, though I get it. Brahms' "Requiem" has
totally different words. Actually, if an expert on requiems had
just unearthed these two works, they might find it quite interesting
that the texts were identical. The early requiem text of the
middle ages evolved quite a bit over time. Look at Ockeghem's requiem
text. Now look at Verdi/Mozart's.
Oh, well... another sobersides taking a joke too seriously :)
Rick
John Clayton Foster
This is a true story:
I used to work in the music building of the University of North
Carolina at Greensboro which has a large music program. I was
sitting outside the recital hall just as a concert ended. Two
young women walked out and one said to the other, "Isn't it
amazing that Verdi's requiem and Mozart's requiem have *exactly*
the same words?!"
Needless to say she was a soprano (and in my girlfriend's studio).
John
Colin D. Reed
: This is a true story:
: John
Talking of sopranos
Q:Why are soprano jokes always so short?
A:So that tenors can remember them.
Q:What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
A:Most musicians haven't been inside a porsche.
I used to be in a choir where the sopranos were so bad that even the
tenors noticed.
--
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| Colin D. Reed Tel: (UK) 0121-414 4437 (Day) |
| Birmingham Polymer Group Fax: (UK) 0121-414 4403 |
| School of Chemistry E-mail: ree...@sun1.bham.ac.uk |
| The University of Birmingham Tel: (UK) 0121-454 5729 (Night) |
| Edgbaston http://sun1.bham.ac.uk/reedcd |
| Birmingham B15 2TT UK |
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Kai Quale
The scientists were digging up Beethoven's grave to ascertain whether his genius
could be attributed to biological factors such as brain size. When they opened
the coffin, they were amazed to see Beethoven busy rubbing out, tearing up and
otherwise demolishing his scores.
"What on Earth are you doing ?" they asked. He replied: "I'm decomposing."
kai
Robert McAllister
Okay, I'll wade in with some:
One time a blind snake and a blind rabbit met in the woods. They bumped
into each other and couldn't figure out what the other one was. Then,
the snake had an idea. He said " Let me feel you and then I can figure
out what you are, then you can do the same thing to me."
"okay" said the rabbit
The snake started to feel the rabbit (please don't ask me how)
"Hmmmmmmm ......Long ears, small nose, fluffyy cotton tail,, you must
be a rabbit"
Then the rabbit started to feel the snake:
"Hmmmmm.... Cold, slimy, no ears whatsoever.....you must be a
conductor!
One time the local symphony conductor had a problem: His 1st trumpet
player split his lip wide open and could'nt perform at the Saturday
concert. He searched in vain over the whole city, but he could not find
1 trumpet player who could replace him. Finally, he found one, but the
player was a jazz trumpet player who was famous for not meeting his
committments. So, out of despair, he hired this guy and hoped for the
best.
The first rehearsal came, and the jazz trumpet player came to rehearsal
early, nailed all his parts and did an all around bang-up job. The
second rehearsal the exact same thing, he sounded great and was playing
all the parts perfectly. At the dress rehearsal, the conductor went up
to the jazz trumpet player and was praiseing him.
Conductor: "I've got to tell you, I've heard some really bad things
about you jazz musicians, but you've been great. You came to all the
rehearsals on time, nailed your parts and have done a great job. I'm
going to tell the personnel director about you. Great job!!"
Jazz trumpeter: "Hey, man, It's nothing. I figured its the least I
could do since I can't make the gig."
Paul Baker
>From: ree...@sun1.bham.ac.uk (Colin D. Reed)
>Subject: Re: Let's have some more music jokes!
>: John
>Talking of sopranos
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can actually negotiate with the PLO.
Doug Sprei
Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and a jazz saxophonist?
A: The Uzi only repeats itself 2,000 times a minute.
Q: What's the difference between an onion and an accordion?
A: People cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and an accordion?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between a chain saw and a jazz saxophonist?
A: You can tune a chain saw.
Q: What did the drummer get on his SAT?
A: Drool.
Q: How can you tell when there's an amateur singer at your front door?
A: She doesn't have the key and she doesn't know when to come in.
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100; 1 to screw it in, and 99 to say how Steve Gadd would have done
it.
Shannon Schumann
No difference-- it's just that the violinist's heads are bigger.
#########################################################################
How many oboists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes an hour to find *just the right* bulb
##########################################################################
An orchestra director came to rehearsal one night to find the oboists hanging by
their knees from the celing beams. "What in the h**l are you guys doing?" he
demanded. "We're light bulbs!" replied the two, glibly.
"No you're not, you're fired! Now get out of here!" answered the conductor.
So the two double reeders swung themselves down, packed up their instruments,
and left the stage, laughing all the way. As soon as they were off stage, the
Two *bassoonists* packed up *their* instruments and trudged off after their
cousins.
"Where do you two think you're going?" demanded the (now red-faced) director.
"Surely you don't expect us to stay here and play in the dark?" was the answer.
################################################################################
Shannon, an oboist
(we're crazy, and we carry sharp knives!)