Sean McKinney
Kimberly1973
In an internet search I came accross the thread in this database about
Sean McKinney's death. My name is Kimberly, and I was Sean McKinney's
girlfriend since November 1, 2003. I was overwhelmed and surprised to
find people talking about Sean’s death, and all the sadness. He would be
so surprised, and probably really happy to know how many people cared
about him. I am absolutely devastated by this loss, and sometimes I don't
know if I want to go on and live in a world without Sean. A lot of you
said you didn't know Sean very well, and I would love to tell you about
him. It helps me to talk about it. I went to a Survivors of Suicide
support group and they said talk talk talk, and get it out. You know,
Sean told me in March that there were only 4 people in this world who
cared about him, his mom and dad and myself and peg. It means the world
to me, and would to Sean too, that so many people cared. If anyone wants
to hear more about Seans life, I am going to write some of them here. If
its too much information, or too hard, then don't read it. But for anyone
who wants to know, here it is.
Sean was the most amazing, full of life, sweet, sarcastic, person I have
ever met. He had so many plans and idea's about juggling, and video's and
designing balls. He had a whole slew of juggling video's that he wanted
to put together. He was very into philosophy. He was a thinker, he loved
to think and contemplate, and debate with people. He was artistic, and
incredibly good with words, too smart for his own good, and so very
beautiful. He was full of wit, and full of love, and just waiting to meet
someone with similar interests and a great chemistry... and he saw my
picture on a mutual internet site that we belonged to. He wrote me an
email on November 1st, 2003, and I responded back that he was crazy to
email a girl that lived 2500 miles away. Find someone in California I
said. But that wasn't meant to be. We fell crazy in love in less than 2
weeks.. and yes, I did fall in love with Sean before I ever saw his
picture. He was that amazing and charismatic. We talked on the phone
every day for hours. Sean did have Bipolar, and it was a terrible
problem, but not at first. I noticed that people talked about how Sean
didn't take meds consistently, and that is partially true. When we met,
he wasn't on meds, and after about a month he became very manic. He went
to Las Vegas with a friend, and after some confusion, Sean was left in
Vegas with no money, and no transportation home. Luckily, the compassion
of a complete stranger got Sean on a bus back to San Diego, but that left
him very manic. He was confused, couldn't sleep, barely ate. He was out
of control, and worried about protecting himself and his possessions. He
went into the hospital 3 times, and finally started taking meds, and
started to get better. In February, he got out of the hospital, and was
on his way to recovery. I can tell you right now that Sean took every
single pill that he was supposed to take, from January, until his tragic
death.
Sean and I didn't spend a ton of time together in person, about a week in
December, and 4 days in March. But after our time together in March, Sean
and I decided that he was going to move to Michigan, where I live. We
couldn't stand being apart from each other, so my mission, when I got back
home was to find us a place to live. So I bought a condo (with cathedral
ceilings of course so Sean could juggle) and Sean rented a room in a hotel
for 3 weeks until I could move into the condo. But the meds that were
initially used to bring Sean out of the manic episode were bringing him
too far down. He didn't start taking an anti-depressent until it was too
late, and by the time Sean did move here, with all his belongings, it was
only 3 days until he was so suicidal he had to go back to California and
check himself into the hospital. Leaving was the hardest thing he ever
had to do. He felt like a failure, but I told Sean how strong he was. He
knew he had to go to the hospital, and so did I.
He was so depressed, and meds weren't working, so Sean had 7 Electroshock
Therapy Sessions. They worked, for a while. During this time, I read a
book on ECT, and it says that you have to keep having it, you can't just
stop and go back on meds that didn't work in the first place. The problem
was that Sean had lost so much of his memory, that he couldn't bare to go
back and have more ECT, and his parents didn't want him to either. He was
having some physical problems too, he told me that he felt like his brain
was floating.
He forgot a lot about our relationship too. That devastated me. I thought
that Sean would never remember, and that our whole relationship would just
live on inside my head. But slowly things came back. I asked him where
he got the shoes he was wearing, or where the mood ring he wore around his
neck came from, and how he got that cell phone he had. And he said... you
Kimberly. He was starting to remember. On a Sunday in mid May, Sean
remembered everything. I was so happy.. because I felt like we had our
future back. He immediately started making plans to move back to Detroit,
but we talked about the fact that he was still very unstable. His family
wanted to take care of him for a while, and make sure he got stablized,
and I agreed completely.
After that, Sean just kept getting more and more depressed. The bipolar
just wouldn't let up. He started on new meds the Friday before he died,
and he sounded like he was getting better every day. I thank God that I
talked to him on the phone for over an hour on Wednesday, June 2nd,
because we said everything to each other that we would have wanted to say.
He told me how much he loved me, and that he wanted to be together, and I
told him that I wanted him with me as soon as he was ready. He had a
friend from New York getting married in San Diego in July, so we
tentatively made plans for him to move back here after that. But he was
so depressed that he felt like he couldn't even go to a wedding. He lost
interest in juggling again, and just didn't want to do anything but sleep.
He told me it was so hard.. just living. I didn't understand how bad it
was because I have never been there. He kept telling me that I should be
with someone who was better for me, someone who wasn't so weak... but I
told him that was ridiculous, and that he was the man I wanted, no matter
what. I knew that it would be a hard life to be with someone who had
Bipolar, but it didn't matter. I loved Sean more than anything on this
Earth, and I would have been there with him no matter what.
T-mobile confirmed that the last phone call Sean ever made was to me on
Wednesday morning. That was the call where he made sure I knew how he felt
about us. In some ways, I think maybe I should have known that he was
telling me everything for a reason. I called him briefly on Thursday, and
he sounded so awful. His mom was coming to pick him up to take him to her
place for a while, and he was getting ready. I told him that I would call
him as he arrived at his Moms, and he said "I love you Kimberly". In some
ways I feel like I should have kept him on the phone longer, but I had no
idea that he had made his plans.
Let me reiterate that since January, Sean has taken every single med
prescribed to him. He said he did it for me and for his parents, but
regardless, he did it. He had electroshock therapy, and he went to a
psychiatrist, and had group therapy regularly. He did EVERYTHING the
doctors told him to do. He tried to get better. He wanted to live. He
wanted a future. He wanted us to be together in Michigan. In December he
proposed to me, and he wanted to get married and have children. He wanted
10 of them, but I had talked him down to 1 or 2. He wanted his life. He
loved his life, his juggling, football, conversations, he loved
everything. But he was so tortured. Bipolar depression is something the
likes of us probably will never have the misfortune to know. I have read
so much about it, and I realize that Sean didn't make a choice. He didn't
have a choice. The pain was so great, that to the person about to commit
suicide, they feel that its either endure the unending suffering and
misery, or end it. Sean did the only thing he could do. As soon as he
had a chance to go free, he did what he had to do. His Mom later told me
that he had bought a bottle of sleeping pills.
He disappeared on Thursday, June 3rd, at noon Pacific Time, and by 6pm his
phone was powered off. I left him probably 20 voice mails in the time in
between, but he never called back. I am sure he didn't want anyone to
have the opportunity to talk him out of it. The police didn't find his
body until Saturday Morning, so I didn't know he was gone until then. I
was shocked. I was standing in home depot when his Dad called me, and I
fell over and started crying hysterically in the store. My friend got me
out of there, and I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to do with
myself. I couldn't believe he gave up on us.. I couldn't believe he would
never call me again.. I would never see him again.. I would never kiss him
or hug him again.. the loss is just overwhelming and devastating. We had
talked on the phone ALL the time. Sean insisted we get T-mobile cell
phones 7 months prior, so that we could talk unlimited at any given time.
We were pretty ridiculous about it too. I would have my ear piece in at
work, and he would be on the phone just listening while i waited on
customers. I was on the phone with him the whole time he drove to Las
Vegas. We just couldn't stand not being together, and now here I am, and
I feel like half of me is gone.
Talking about it helps, and anyone who has made it to the bottom of this
page, thanks for listening. Sometimes I miss Sean so much I want to take
a bottle of pills just so I can maybe be with him again. But I know how
much agony I am in, and I can't give this kind of grief to the people I
love. I have no anger or resentment toward Sean, because I know he didn't
choose this, he had no choice.
Thank you so much for keeping his memory alive, and remembering him. He
will live forever in my mind, in the pictures I have of him, in the 35
saved voice mails I have from him all the way back to November, but mostly
in my heart and in my soul. Sean and I truly believed that we were soul
mates, and that we belonged together. We will always be together, weather
or not he is on earth. If anyone wants to talk to me, or find out more
information, or wants pictures of Sean, please feel free to email me at
MzKimbe...@aol.com. Again, I am so glad to know that Sean had so many
people that cared about him. Sorry if was totally rambling... but I am
taking klonopin, which ironically Sean was taking, because the pain of
Sean’s death has made my blood pressure sky rocket. It makes me a little
numb and out of it... and its helped me since I came back to work to not
cry every second.
Kimberly
----== posted via www.jugglingdb.com ==----
The Void
> <a sad story>
Hi Kimberly
Your post was very moving; thanks for sharing all of that with us. It's
very sad that Sean thought that
he had no friends that cared about him. I know that the best thing that i
have got out of joining the
juggling world is a whole load of really cool friends. I'm sure he
did/does too, even if he didn't realise
it.
I wish you well,
The Void
.................
Always cry for love, never cry for pain.
NielsDuinker
> Kimberly1973 wrote:
> > <a sad story>
>
> Hi Kimberly
>
> Your post was very moving; thanks for sharing all of that with us. It's
> very sad that Sean thought that
> he had no friends that cared about him.
I always like it to see Sean doing the crazy juggling stuff in the Caught
Clean Videos. I showed some of my skateboarding friends and they went
crazy too. Many people do appreciate Sean.
I think it is a great loose that he is not here anymore.
Wish you all the best,
Niels
>
> ----== posted via www.jugglingdb.com ==----
Tyler
Kimberly,
Tyler
Kimberly,
Tyler
Kimberly,
Tyler
Your post was very moving and inspiring. Although I did not know Sean
personally I have seen some of his videos. His three ball style has shown
me some of the most interesting things I have ever seen. I hope you find
peace, and may God rest his soul.
Tyler
posted via www.jugglingdb.com ==----
jasongarfield
posting this with her permission and in her defense.
After reading this post from Kimberly, Peggy was
infuriated at its inappropriateness. So was I. Had
Peggy felt any of this information was anyone else's
business, she would have posted it herself. Before
this thread gets out of hand, I would like to inform
those who are reading this of a few facts that I
have heard directly from Peggy.
Sean and Kimberly met in an internet porn chat room.
They communicated through the internet for the
following 4-5 weeks. In December Kimberly flew out
to LA to visit some of her friends for 2-3 days during
which time she sporadically visited Sean as well.
In mid to late January, she visited Sean the day he
was released from the hospital and spend the night
with him. Kimberly left the next day.
At the end of April Sean "moved" to Michigan with one
suitcase after being evicted from his apartment for his
erratic behavior. Sean's parents tried to convince him
not to go to Michigan because they realized that it was
an act of desperation. He was in Michigan for two days
and then moved back to San Diego. Kimberly continued
to call Sean after that and he refused to accept her calls.
Here are some facts about Kimberly that are only
mentioned here to further detail the extent of her
relationship with Sean:
Kimberly didn't know any of Sean's friends, including
the one who she mentioned was getting married.
Kimberly had never seen Sean juggle.
During the time Kimberly and Sean were "together",
She had another boyfriend who threatened to kill
himself if she broke up with him
Sean's parent's specifically told Peggy that Kimberly
is not invited to Sean's memorial service
Kimberly weighs over 300 pounds which is only
mentioned to explain Sean's desperation as this was
not known to be his ideal physical attribute in a girlfriend
Facts about Peggy:
Peggy and Sean were together for 4 years and his condition
led to the end of their relationship.
This past week Peggy flew out to LA and drove down to
San Diego for a private family viewing of Sean before he
was cremated which consisted of only his mother,
father, and Peggy. At Sean's parent's request,
Peggy will keep some of Sean's ashes.
This is a very difficult time for Peggy and Sean's parents
and if they choose not to talk about or post every detail
regarding this matter, that doesn't give Kimberly
the right to do so.
The reason for this post is not to slam Sean or bring up
negative feelings towards anyone. The reason for this
post is to identify who Kimberly is and have it be known
that she has no right to speak about Sean and is clearly
only looking for sympathy that she does not deserve.
I know Peggy would appreciate it if this thread would
end and nobody further would indulge Kimberly in
conversation regarding Sean as she simply is not
involved and clearly has mental problems.
Kimberly1973
infuriated by the inappropriateness of my email. I found this thread of
Sean, and I wrote to tell people about him, and the last 7 months of Seans
life. Sean touched people's lives, and thats why I wrote. Its clear from
reading this post that Peggy has some negative feelings about me. I
honestly did not know that. I tried to call her on Sunday, wanting to
tell her how sorry I was about Seans loss, but she said she couldn't talk
to me. Sean never told me that she had negative feelings about me. He
had always told me that he hoped we would be friends, and I told Peggy
that. I am not sure what the nature of Sean and Peggy's relationship was,
he told me that he loved her, but that they had broken up in the summer of
2003, and that he was looking for a relationship. He said he was always
going to love Peggy because she was so loyal and loving during their time
together, and I had absolutely no issues with that. He was up front and
honest from the beginning. I had no idea this email would even reach
Peggy, nor did I think it would upset her. And because it did, I
apologize profusely. But if there is any doubt on Peggy's part that Sean
and I were in love and planning to be together, I would be more than happy
to play her any of the 35 voice mails that I saved of Seans. I truly wish
she would have contacted me herself and tell me why she is so upset... And
if it makes her feel better, This thread can end now. All I want is to
honor Seans memory. He was an amazing person, and I loved him with all my
heart. I feel almost like I am middle school, having to defend my
relationship, and give examples, but almost all of this is completely
wrong. Please let Sean rest in peace.
> Sean and Kimberly met in an internet porn chat room.
> They communicated through the internet for the
> following 4-5 weeks.
Sean and I did not meet in an internet porn chat room. We did, however,
meet on the internet.
In December Kimberly flew out to LA to visit some of her friends for 2-3
days during > which time she sporadically visited Sean as well.
> In mid to late January, she visited Sean the day he
> was released from the hospital and spend the night
> with him. Kimberly left the next day.
>
I bought a plane ticket to meet Sean on his birthday in Las Vegas, but he
ended up being in the mental hospital before I left. After talking to
Seans mother, I decided to fly closer to where Sean lived, and Seans mom
suggested I let the medication start to work before I came to see him. So
I drove to San Francisco for a few days. I met Sean's mother before I
even met him, so that she could feel comfortable with me meeting him, and
so that she could explain the manic depression to me. We were together
for the 4 days surrounding his birthday. It wasn't a sporadic visit.
At the end of February, I came to see Sean again. I arrived before he got
out of the hospital, so I didn't get to spend time with him until he got
out. We were together from February 28 - March 2.
> At the end of April Sean "moved" to Michigan with one
> suitcase after being evicted from his apartment for his
> erratic behavior. Sean's parents tried to convince him
> not to go to Michigan because they realized that it was
> an act of desperation. He was in Michigan for two days
> and then moved back to San Diego. Kimberly continued
> to call Sean after that and he refused to accept her calls.
Sean and I planned to live together for months. I bought the condo, which
Sean and I planned to live in. He didn't buy a plane ticket on a whim.
Sean was evicted from his apartment in January, and he bought the plane
ticket 3 weeks in advance, in April. Sean arrived with 4 really big
suitcases, with plans to have the rest shipped. Sean left to go back into
the hospital 4 days after he arrived because he was suicidal. He
understood that, and so did I. Sean never refused to accept calls from
me. I have no idea how anyone would assume or know that besides Sean or
I. There were a few days after Sean had electroshock therapy where he
forgot a lot of his short term memory, where he had forgotten a lot of our
relationship, and told me that he was thinking of getting back together
with Peggy. But within a few weeks, Sean remembered everything, and we
were back together, and I told him that I completely understood why it
happened.
>
> Here are some facts about Kimberly that are only
> mentioned here to further detail the extent of her
> relationship with Sean:
>
> Kimberly didn't know any of Sean's friends, including
> the one who she mentioned was getting married.
No, I didn't know him. But Sean told me that he was coming to San Diego
to get married. I didn't meet many of Seans friends because I lived 2500
miles away from him. The only friends of Seans that I had spoken with were
Jeff, Laven, and Steven.
> Kimberly had never seen Sean juggle.
Sean juggled for me at his house on Georgia Street in December, and when
he was staying with his Mom in La Jolla, he juggled to Crazy in Love while
I watched.
> During the time Kimberly and Sean were "together",
> She had another boyfriend who threatened to kill
> himself if she broke up with him
Yes, and fortunatly, he didn't.
> Sean's parent's specifically told Peggy that Kimberly
> is not invited to Sean's memorial service
>
> Kimberly weighs over 300 pounds which is only
> mentioned to explain Sean's desperation as this was
> not known to be his ideal physical attribute in a girlfriend
Kimberly doesn't weigh over 300 lbs, and how on earth would Peggy know
this anyway? How would Peggy know if Sean liked big girls or not?
Obviously, he did.
> Facts about Peggy:
>
> Peggy and Sean were together for 4 years and his condition
> led to the end of their relationship.
In all the reading I have done about Bipolar, its very possible that BP
led to the end of their relationship. But if she says it led to the end
of the relationship, why would she have a problem with Sean and I being
together?
> This past week Peggy flew out to LA and drove down to
> San Diego for a private family viewing of Sean before he
> was cremated which consisted of only his mother,
> father, and Peggy. At Sean's parent's request,
> Peggy will keep some of Sean's ashes.
> This is a very difficult time for Peggy and Sean's parents
> and if they choose not to talk about or post every detail
> regarding this matter, that doesn't give Kimberly
> the right to do so.
I saw the post that let everyone know that Sean committed suicide, and a
post that said something to the effect that Sean wasn't taking his meds,
and in an effort to clear that up, I told what I know about Sean's last 7
months.
> The reason for this post is not to slam Sean or bring up
> negative feelings towards anyone. The reason for this
> post is to identify who Kimberly is and have it be known
> that she has no right to speak about Sean and is clearly
> only looking for sympathy that she does not deserve.
> I know Peggy would appreciate it if this thread would
> end and nobody further would indulge Kimberly in
> conversation regarding Sean as she simply is not
> involved and clearly has mental problems.
I do not have mental problems. I am not looking for undeserved sympathy.
I am being honest about my feelings, and talking about my grief. I have
been to my Dr and to a suicide survivor support group, and everything I
read about this says that you have to grieve and talk about your grief and
get it out. I met a boy with bipolar, we fell in love. I wish Peggy
would have talked to me on Sunday, and told me all of this. Sean never
let on that Peggy was angry about our relationship. I am sorry if you
found my post to be insensitive, but I think that people who cared about
Sean deserve to know what happened to him. Peggy I have never had any bad
feelings about you. I appreciate how much you cared about Sean, and I
thank you for being there for him. I never ever in anyway wanted to hurt
you, and again I am sorry I did. The post can certainly die here. Rest
In Peace Sean McKinney.
Jani Kyllönen
> Hello everyone:
<snip a lot, and a lot of replies too>
Can I, for once in my life, use my position as one of the elder
rec.juggling posters, and ask you all for a favor?
Would you please take all your personal bashing elsewhere? I understand
that everyone that knew Sean (and many of us who didn't) has something
to say in regard to his passing away, but please - if you don't have
anything nice to say on this matter, stay quiet.
A flame war is the thing we need the least at this moment.
This is my last public comment on this subject, feel free to mail me
with comments, questions on bipolar, or whatever.
firstname at fakiiriliitto dot com
jani
jasongarfield
if you really respected Peggy's wish to end this
thread, you would not have so blatantly attempted
to get in the last word, or in this case, the last novel.
You have Peggy's contact information, you don't need
to communicate what most would consider to be
private information with her through a newsgroup.
Your last post is full of holes and lies and you're
obviously just trying to cover your ass which is
an impossible proposition. I'm not going to go
back and forth with you on each little detail.
However, I will not allow you to get any sympathy
when you don't deserve it nor will you have the
last word on this newsgroup. Peggy may be done
with you but I am not and if you continue to post
anything regarding Sean, you will never get the last
word. So this will be the last post regarding you and
Sean and if you have anything to say to anyone
about this, I suggest you call or email them privately.
Any further post from you will be considered an act
of disrespect towards those who are trying to deal
with this tragedy and are being further traumatized
by your unwarranted involvement.
