Funny ways to answer the phone
Rick Powell
I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
running dry since I know only 4:
House of the lord, god speaking
Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
(Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
Please post some original ones.
opengate
In article <4lvaj3$u...@rover.ucs.ualberta.ca>, ri...@cs.athabascau.ca
says...
Tom's sperm bank, you smack 'em, we pack 'em
tourglide
--
:-) tourglide
Mr.Bud
Westerners sing:Give me land lots of land under sunny skys
Easterners sing,Give me room lots of room undrer starless skys
Southerners sing,bring back the union jack to flap in the breeze
Notherners sing,Stay where you are.We are in a deep freeze
Now you know why america is known as sing song land
Bud
Erin Hope Blockley
ri...@cs.athabascau.ca (Rick Powell) writes:
>I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
>running dry since I know only 4:
>House of the lord, god speaking
>Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
>Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
>Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
>(Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
>Please post some original ones.
(said with thick accent) Hello! This is Dr. Ruth, you are on the air!
If I'd wanted to talk to you, I would have called you. (be prepared for
some hangups and/or some awkward pauses)
(from _When Harry Met Sally_) Nobody I know would call at this hour!
Betty's escort service, Betty speaking! (if they ask for someone) No, I
don't think we have a <insert name> working here...
Zzzzzzzzippp...
--
Have thesaurus, will peregrinate.
erin hope blockley gt6...@prism.gatech.edu
Scott Grengs
In article <4lvr20$a...@acmex.gatech.edu>, gt6...@prism.gatech.edu (Erin Hope Blockley) wrote:
>ri...@cs.athabascau.ca (Rick Powell) writes:
>
>>I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
>>running dry since I know only 4:
>>House of the lord, god speaking
>>Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
>>Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
>>Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
>>(Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
>>Please post some original ones.
>
>(said with thick accent) Hello! This is Dr. Ruth, you are on the air!
>
>If I'd wanted to talk to you, I would have called you. (be prepared for
>some hangups and/or some awkward pauses)
>
>(from _When Harry Met Sally_) Nobody I know would call at this hour!
>
>Betty's escort service, Betty speaking! (if they ask for someone) No, I
>don't think we have a <insert name> working here...
Bob's Funeral Home, you stab 'em we slab 'em.
<Your last name>'s Summer Home, some are home, some aren't.
- Scott
Opinions expressed herein are my own and may not represent those of my employer.
John Lundgren
Rick Powell (ri...@cs.athabascau.ca) penned:
: I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
: running dry since I know only 4:
: House of the lord, god speaking
: Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
: Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
: Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
: (Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
: Please post some original ones.
Rick's Morgue - You stab 'em, we slab 'em!
"Hi, this is the sewer company, and we don't want none of your sh!t!"
--
TMTMTL Joshua W Roby
> In article <4lvr20$a...@acmex.gatech.edu>, gt6...@prism.gatech.edu (Erin
Hope Blockley) wrote:
> >ri...@cs.athabascau.ca (Rick Powell) writes:
> >
> >>I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
> >>running dry since I know only 4:
> >>House of the lord, god speaking
> >>Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
> >>Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
> >>Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
> >>(Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
> >>Please post some original ones.
> >
> >(said with thick accent) Hello! This is Dr. Ruth, you are on the air!
> >
> >If I'd wanted to talk to you, I would have called you. (be prepared for
> >some hangups and/or some awkward pauses)
> >
> >(from _When Harry Met Sally_) Nobody I know would call at this hour!
> >
> >Betty's escort service, Betty speaking! (if they ask for someone) No, I
> >don't think we have a <insert name> working here...
>
> Bob's Funeral Home, you stab 'em we slab 'em.
> <Your last name>'s Summer Home, some are home, some aren't.
>
> - Scott
I usually just go with "Aloha!" or "Whuttup?"
CRAIG PRICE
city morgue, parts department, john bobbit speaking
Hammer Corey A
How about: Hello. Is Bob there?
--
Corey Hammer
c-ha...@uiuc.edu
Visit Corey's Castle at http://www.students.uiuc.edu/~c-hammer
Ross Getman
Pete's Pool Parlor... Eight-ball speaking.
--------------------------------------------------------------
For detailed facts relating to the "true crime" aspects of the UNABOM
matter see: http://www.bayarea.net/~restech/unbix.htm
tourglide
On Apr 29, 1996 19:05:11 in article <Re: Funny ways to answer the phone>,
'jlun...@delta1.deltanet.com (John Lundgren)' wrote:
>Rick Powell (ri...@cs.athabascau.ca) penned:
>: I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
>: House of the lord, god speaking
>: Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
>: Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
>: Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
>: (Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
>: Please post some original ones.
>
>
>"Hi, this is the sewer company, and we don't want none of your sh!t!"
>
"Berryhill Sewer Company, Your shit is our bread and butter."
--
:-) tourglide
st94...@pip.cc.brandeis.edu
How about:
Joe's morgue, you kill'm we chill'm.
Humping Harry's Horehouse
st94...@pip.cc.brandeis.edu
Another "When Harry Met Sally" idea...
Hello since you are getting this message I am either (A) not home, (B) home,
but don't want to talk to you, or (C) home, desperatly want to talk to you,
but trapped under something heavy. If it's A or C I'll call you back.
Corryn Thorgersen
In <4lvr20$a...@acmex.gatech.edu> gt6...@prism.gatech.edu (Erin Hope
Blockley) writes:
>
Here's one we used to use when answering a public telephone that
would happen to ring (growing up in The Bronx, there was always a
ringing payphone nearby)
Mabel's Whorehouse, your pleasure's our business...........
You're sure to get a pause then an uneasy laugh, it always works!
>ri...@cs.athabascau.ca (Rick Powell) writes:
>
>>I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
>>running dry since I know only 4:
>>House of the lord, god speaking
>>Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
>>Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
>>Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
>>(Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
>>Please post some original ones.
>
>(said with thick accent) Hello! This is Dr. Ruth, you are on the
air!
>
>If I'd wanted to talk to you, I would have called you. (be prepared
for
>some hangups and/or some awkward pauses)
>
>(from _When Harry Met Sally_) Nobody I know would call at this hour!
>
>Betty's escort service, Betty speaking! (if they ask for someone)
No, I
>don't think we have a <insert name> working here...
>
Bobby H
County morgue: You stab'm, we slab'm.
--
Bob
South Texas
"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know."
--Mark Twain
Stuart A. Bronstein
In article <3186F5...@netxpress.com>, Bobby H <b...@netxpress.com> wrote:
>County morgue: You stab'm, we slab'm.
>
When I was in college I noticed that the local yellow pages used fillers
dealing with phone related issues. One such filler stated,
"In these harried times, it is best to be considerate and save time by
answering the phone, 'Harry Smith speaking.'"
For months many in my dorm, including women, would answer the phone,
"Harry Smith speaking." It always puzzled the hell out of callers.
Stu
hhoe...@peelo.educ.ualberta.ca
Acme Bakery - Which crumb do you want?
Brian K. Biltz
On 28 Apr 1996 08:34:43 GMT, ri...@cs.athabascau.ca (Rick Powell)
wrote:
>I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
>running dry since I know only 4:
>House of the lord, god speaking
>Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
>Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
>Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
>(Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
>Please post some original ones.
>
Helen Bac
Anita Bath
Adam Baum
Sandy Beaches
Paul Bearer
Iva Bignen
Maya Buttreeks
Seymour Butz
Claude But
Harry Butts
Sophelia Bush
Terry Clothrobe
Al Coholic
Phil A. Chio
Oliver Clothesoff
The Dickner Brothers, Iben, Uben, & Heben
Ben Dover
Amanda Dancewith
Betty Doesnt
Dan Druff
Neal Downe
Penny Ernd
Wanda Fularound
I.P. Freely
Rim Givver
Dick Gazinia
Amanda Hugginkiss
Dick Hurtz
Mike Hunt
Irma Hogg
Hugh Jorgens
Hugh Janus
Hugh Jass
Joy Kingoff
Connie Lingus
Dick Long
Mona Littlelouder
Bud Light
Otto Mobile
Phil Magroin
Pat Magroin
Owen Money
Bill Melater
Juan Moretime
Philip McCann
Phil MaCavity
Craven Morehead
Mr. P. Niss
Peter Out
Ophelia Organ
Bea O'Problem
Doris Open
Stew Pedassle
Dixie Recht
Hugh G. Rection
Mike Rotch
Jacques Strap
Homer Sexual
Penny Svied
Willie Score
Ivana Tinkle
Richard Whack
Farris Wheil
Use phone number of your local zoo.
Mrs. Paula Baer
Mr. Paul A. Baer
Mr. C. Lion
Mr. L.E. Fant
Mr. G. Raft
Frank Friedman
In article <3186F5...@netxpress.com>, Bobby H <b...@netxpress.com> wrote:
>County morgue: You stab'm, we slab'm.
>
Enterprise, Kirk here!
The person on the other end of the phone will either be confused or will
play along and ask you to beem them up.
***************************************************************************
Frank E. Friedman fr...@bronze.coil.com
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God wo has endowed us with
sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. - Galileo
***************************************************************************
Alan Silverstein
This is Earth. Go ahead.
Dan & Lisa
if you want the caller to hang up and be baffled answer:
"The money is in the trash can, you know what to do." click.
Jane Palary
Some time ago I was expecting a call from a friend. I knew it would be
him phoning at a certain time so when the phone rang I answered with:
"International Metal welt and wheelbarrow company"
The voice on the other end was a stranger who said:
"Oh, sorry, I must have the wrong number"
She phoned back within the minute and I was embarrassed to learn that
it was the response to a job selection request. I didn't get the job.
James Eder
In article <4lvaj3$u...@rover.ucs.ualberta.ca>, ri...@cs.athabascau.ca (Rick Powell) writes:
>I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
>running dry since I know only 4:
>House of the lord, god speaking
>Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
>Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
>Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
>(Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
>Please post some original ones.
>
1.) Dial 555-5555
2.) Record operator's speech
3.) play it for the answering machine.
----
"hello? Yeah, uh huh, Yea, but could you say it
after the beep?"
----
"This is a telepathic recording device. Just think about what you want to tell
me and I'll think about getting back to you."
----
"Hey how do you work this peice of <beeep>"
////
(o o) <----- Me!
---oOO--(_)--OOo----------------------------------------------------------------
I think therfore I am - Decartes
.oooO Oooo. The computer IS therefore IT THINKS - James Eder
---( )--( )-----------------------------------------------------------------
\ ( ) / GJE...@MSU.OSCS.MONTANA.EDU
\_) (_/ ICSA...@MSU.OSCS.MONTANA.EDU
Jan Eric Andersson
Well, here's our answering machine message, roughly translated to
English:
Hello, you have reached Rakel and Jan Eric's phone. We're probably at
home, but there's someone we don't want to speak to, so please leave
your name and number and we'll call you back. If we don't, you'll know
that it's *you* we don't want to talk to...
--
Jan Eric Andersson [E-Mail: jan...@login.eunet.no]
Oslo, Norway [http://login.eunet.no/~janeand]
Reo H. Maynard
Bill Clinton (who@where) wrote:
: Planned Parenthood, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us!
:
I have called ID. So when "John" calls my house, I answer the phone,
"Is John there?"
It usually throws em off for a minute.
--
Reo H. Maynard III sci...@infi.net
http://www.infi.net/~scipio
Senator Exon for Dictator '96
idle...@tiac.net
The classic one: "Is this the person to whom I'm speaking".
Dan in NYC
Owen Graupman
I have a pair of favorites...
Pick up the phone and say, "Hagen Daaz" (The ice cream in case I
misspelled that)
OR
Pick up the phone and say your name like this (my last name is
Graupman, so mine goes like this) "Graupman, Graupman, Graupman, and
Graupman. Graupman, speaking."
Herm Perez
jlun...@delta1.deltanet.com (John Lundgren) wrote:
>Rick Powell (ri...@cs.athabascau.ca) penned:
>: I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
>: running dry since I know only 4:
>: House of the lord, god speaking
>: Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
>: Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
>: Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
>: (Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
>: Please post some original ones.
>Rick's Morgue - You stab 'em, we slab 'em!
I have often used :
Joe's Morgue- You kill'em, we chill'em!
Why are there so many similar variations on this type of joke..was
this some comedy skit in the '70s?...I picked up the habit in 1980
from an older friend..
Herm
Liberals : "10 % to the left of centre on a good day, 10 % to the right of
centre when it affects them personally" - Phil Ochs RIP, US Folk Singer
sig stolen from Rich Thomas..
Keith Williams
CRAIG PRICE <PCSA...@postoffice.worldnet.att.net> writes:
<snip>
>Rick's Morgue - You stab 'em, we slab 'em!
A slightly twisted variation for the sick of mind...
Hi, Necrophiliacs Society - You slab 'em, we stab 'em!
Keith
Bob van Someren
Herm Perez wrote:
>
> jlun...@delta1.deltanet.com (John Lundgren) wrote:
>
> >Rick Powell (ri...@cs.athabascau.ca) penned:
> >: I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
> >: running dry since I know only 4:
> >: House of the lord, god speaking
> >: Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
> >: Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
> >: Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
> >: (Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
> >: Please post some original ones.
>
>
>
> Joe's Morgue- You kill'em, we chill'em!
>
> Why are there so many similar variations on this type of joke..was
> this some comedy skit in the '70s?...I picked up the habit in 1980
> from an older friend..
>
> Herm
>
> Liberals : "10 % to the left of centre on a good day, 10 % to the right of
> centre when it affects them personally" - Phil Ochs RIP, US Folk Singer
> sig stolen from Rich Thomas..
Dan & Lisa
> Hi, Necrophiliacs Society - You slab 'em, we stab 'em!
>
> Keith
I thoght it was:
"Freelance Funeral home, you stab em', we slab em, some go to heaven,
some go to HELLo?"
---Beemer Dan
"My two cents are only worth one due to inflation"
Herm Perez
Bob van Someren <som...@fys.ruu.nl> wrote:
>Herm Perez wrote:
>>
>> jlun...@delta1.deltanet.com (John Lundgren) wrote:
>>
>> >Rick Powell (ri...@cs.athabascau.ca) penned:
>> >: I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
>> >: running dry since I know only 4:
>> >: House of the lord, god speaking
>> >: Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
>> >: Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
>> >: Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
>> >: (Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
>> >: Please post some original ones.
>>
>> >Rick's Morgue - You stab 'em, we slab 'em!
>>
>> I have often used :
>>
>> Joe's Morgue- You kill'em, we chill'em!
>>
>> Why are there so many similar variations on this type of joke..was
>> this some comedy skit in the '70s?...I picked up the habit in 1980
>> from an older friend..
>How about : Sorry, wrong number !
Nah..thats no fun!..most of my friends are used to it, and the ones
that dont get probably got a wrong number anyways..the point is to
always use that line when answering the phone..
Another friend does something that drives me crazy..when you ask him a
yes/no question and he answers yes, he will nod his head sideways
("no") and viceversa..try this if you are capable, its hard to do but
it will drive your friends batty..
caM giB
(credits for the quotes in following order below)
1) "Hate it when u get the answering machine? Well, leave two messages, and
I'll call you in the morning."
2) "Jim's machine here. Go"
3) "Don't have a cow, man! Just leave it."
4) "Hello. This is the answering machine. May I help you?"
5) "?esaelp egassem dna ,redmun enohp ,eman ruoy"
credits:
1) copied from a book i cannot remmy the name of.
2) From the movie "Striking Distance". (Bruce Willis)
3) This one is a bit obvious, I think, man. If not , well, watch them
sunday nites on fox at 8pm EST.
4) MY VERY OWN INVENTION!!
5) Am i running out of jokes now?
--
Jim "Big Mac" McDonald, Jr.
jam...@usa.pipeline.com
Dave Gale
Have you tried answering:
"Hello, may I speak to Bob please?" ...?
Dave
James J. Marshall
Just a few I remember hearing or that I've heard people mention (a few might
be repeats, but oh well):
(1) "Menswear." -- A bunch of us around here are into British comedy and
this one comes from one of those, Are You Being Served
because that's the way Mr. Humphries answers the phone.
I doubt most people in the US would get it, but that
kind of makes it funnier.
(2) Just about anything that makes it appear that you called the other
person. As mentioned before, "Hello, may I speak to X?" and a lot of
the other responses.
(3) A favorite Calvin & Hobbes line -- answer normally, but when the person
asks, "May I speak to X?" you say, "Heck, you don't need my permisson"
and hang up on them. 8)
(4) As previously mentioned, pretending that you're at a store of some kind
and use some kind of nifty catch phrase when answering. See all the
previous posts for ideas on those; I'm not even going to try to list some.
Just a few more ideas for you to consider.
-- James Marshall
1577...@ucis.vill.edu (preferred)
mars...@monet.vill.edu (secondary)
http://153.104.7.174/csc/s95/marshall/index.html (my homepage)
Scott C. Thomas
Mort's Mortuary ... You stab 'em, We slab 'em.
Jason Ramos
My friend used this on his answering machine:
"Hello?...Hello?...Is someone there?...Hello?...God, I hate this
crap!...(Dial Tone, then beep)"
His roommate's mom called one day and was sure that it was someone on the
line that was unable to hear her. She called the operator, and he tried
to explain that it was a machine. The whole conversation was recorded on
the machine. Very funny stuff.
This space intentionally left blank
In article <4mftpd$2...@nw003.infi.net>, sci...@infi.net (Reo H. Maynard) writes:
>Bill Clinton (who@where) wrote:
>: Planned Parenthood, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us!
>:
>
>I have called ID. So when "John" calls my house, I answer the phone,
> "Is John there?"
>
>It usually throws em off for a minute.
I don't have caller ID, and I do the same thing...
When they say, "No..." I say, "Sorry!", and hang up.
-- Mike "but ask for 'Ralph', John's too common a name" Bartman --
==============================================================================
| I didn't really say all the things that I said. You probably didn't read |
| what you thought you read. Statistics show that this whole thing is more |
| than likely just a hideous misunderstanding. |
==============================================================================
==============================================================================
Thank you very little.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeff Pipitone
Time for some crude:
Rape Control hotline. You rape 'em, we scrape 'em.
No Fetus can beat us!
Jaden
How about...
"Hell, Satan speaking." (in your deepest, scariest voice)
"Pizza Hut, will this be carry-out or delivery?" (Yes, this is really
what they say.)
Simply... "City morgue"
Or... "WHAT?!?"
"Look, I told you, just hold onto the stuff for awhile until I can...
Oh, it's you... Hehe..."
Jaden
----------
Help preserve wildlife - pickle a squirrel today!
John Dougherty
In article <7MAY199612251463@cats>, 1577...@cats.ucis.vill.edu (James J. Marshall) says:
>
>Just a few I remember hearing or that I've heard people mention (a few might
>be repeats, but oh well):
>
>(1) "Menswear." -- A bunch of us around here are into British comedy and
> this one comes from one of those, Are You Being Served
> because that's the way Mr. Humphries answers the phone.
> I doubt most people in the US would get it, but that
> kind of makes it funnier.
>
>(2) Just about anything that makes it appear that you called the other
> person. As mentioned before, "Hello, may I speak to X?" and a lot of
> the other responses.
>
>(3) A favorite Calvin & Hobbes line -- answer normally, but when the person
> asks, "May I speak to X?" you say, "Heck, you don't need my permisson"
> and hang up on them. 8)
>
>(4) As previously mentioned, pretending that you're at a store of some kind
> and use some kind of nifty catch phrase when answering. See all the
> previous posts for ideas on those; I'm not even going to try to list some.
>
One I heard from a (former) co-worker: "City morgue - you stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
Jerry Foster
Jason Ramos (ez04...@chip.ucdavis.edu) wrote:
: My friend used this on his answering machine:
That's pretty good, but I think I can beat it. A few weeks ago we went
on vacation and I left this message on my machine, using a real polite
voice: "The number you have reached, 555-1212, has been changed. The
new number is 555-1212. Please make a note of it." (Substitute your
number, of course, and make sure both numbers are the same). Most people
were smart enough to figure out that its a joke, especially after they
quickly wrote down the "new" number and tried to call it.
We get back from vacation to find a weird message from the phone company,
something about trying to test our phone. Not only that, our phone was
dead. After much investigation we were able to piece together the
following chain of events. A lady called our house and was quite
baffled by the message. She didn't even bother to try and copy down
the new number. She called my father-in-law, who told her very clearly
that it was a joke. But she said "No, no, it's the real thing." She
felt it was her responsibility to call the phone company to have them fix
our phone! So the phone company called (the message on the machine), but
our message confused them also. Apparently, since they had no record of
changing our phone number, they couldn't figure out why our phone was
playing that message! So, in a incredibly stupid move, they simply turned
the phone off.
It took us *five* days to get the phone turned back on. It was only after
I explained that I had a baby on a breathing monitor and there would be
serious repercussions if I had to call 911 and no phone was available.
The phone was turned on the next morning and they gave me $25 credit.
----------------------------- | ---------------------------------------------
Jerry Foster ---+--- "I am opposed to abortion, and to
Plexus Systems FEAR | NOT government funding of abortions."
jf...@plex-sys.com | -Gov. Bill Clinton, 9/26/86
----------------------------- | ---------------------------------------------
Chris Nelson
(call someone)
Hi, This is __________ from thirty-one flavers. If you can name
thirty-one flavers in thirty-one, you win thirty-one dollars.
(If answered with thirty-one flavers, then ask for name, then tell person
to go to nearest thirty-one flavers store and pick-up their money. If
don't answer in thirty-one second. then say "sorry, your time is
Jessica Kristin Rider
Mr.Bud (bud...@usa.pipeline.com) wrote:
: Westerners sing:Give me land lots of land under sunny skys
: Easterners sing,Give me room lots of room undrer starless skys
: Southerners sing,bring back the union jack to flap in the breeze
Why would southerners want to bring back Great Britain's flag???
Jessica Rider gt1393a, 206-9581 *"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'."
"Most people would sooner die * - Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')
than think; in fact, they do so."*
Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)*
Roger A. Tetzlaff
WARNING: May be offensive.
One night a particularly drunk friend of mine told me that in high
school, he used to answer the phone:
Joe's abortion clinic,
you rape 'em,
we scrape 'em,
No fetus
Can beat us!
My favorite is a bit cleaner. I use it often.
County morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em, this is Stan,
what can I do for ya?
:}
****************************************************************************
* Roger A. Tetzlaff - Assistant User Support Consultant *
*Department of Information Technology The University of Wyoming, Laramie WY*
* Visit my homepage: http://plains.uwyo.edu/~tetzlaff/ *
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* Find me on IRC channel #Roxette, nicknamed LookSharp (irc.portal.com) *
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K. Cook
: My favorite is a bit cleaner. I use it often.
: County morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em, this is Stan,
: what can I do for ya?
I've heard a variation on that:
County morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em.
If you've ever thought about it, most people answer the phone
with what sounds like 'yellow' not 'hello'. An uncle of mine once
answered the phone by saying purple. He got hung up on.
Michael Ayotte
In article <4mvhva$b...@ccshst05.uoguelph.ca>, co...@uoguelph.ca (K. Cook) wrote:
Perhaps you had to be there, but a friend (Jeff) and I (Mike) were in a
public area eating lunch.
There was some guy waiting impatiently at a payphone nearby. He finally
left, and about two minutes later that phone rang. Figuring that the call
was for that guy, my friend thought he would have a little fun.
The conversation went something like this:
Jeff: "County Morge, Jeff speaking"
Guy on other end of phone: (after a pause) "umm, is bob there?"
Jeff: "Nope just me, Mike and some dead guys, how can we help you?"
Guy on phone: "Are you sure Bob's not there, I was supposed to call him
at this number"
Jeff: "Well I don't think so, but hey alot of these stiffs are John Doe's
Maybe if you describe what Bob looked, err looks like, we can take a
look around for you"
The conversation went on a few more minutes, meanwhile I was having
trouble breathing because I was trying real hard not to laugh out loud.
Maybe you had to be there, but I liked it.
--
Michael Ayotte mic...@ayotte.com
<http://www.ayotte.com/personal/ayotte/>
I speak only for myself
David Hampson
How 'bout:
"Tiffany's house of pleasure...
How may we do you?"
--
-Dave
"Time is simply natures way of keeping everything from happening at once." Einstein (I think)
Mike McCarthy
I used to a nice quiet answering machine. The message went like this;
Hello.......................
after about 10 seconds
oh I forgot, Iam not home , please leave a message.BEEP
used to piss people off thinking they were talking to me.
Mike McCarthy
jason leong
dave's crematorium : 'you kill 'em , we grill 'em !'
m.a.cleveland
On 8 May 1996, Jason Ramos wrote:
> My friend used this on his answering machine:
>
> "Hello?...Hello?...Is someone there?...Hello?...God, I hate this
> crap!...(Dial Tone, then beep)"
>
> His roommate's mom called one day and was sure that it was someone on the
> line that was unable to hear her. She called the operator, and he tried
> to explain that it was a machine. The whole conversation was recorded on
> the machine. Very funny stuff.
Ha ha, what about when you call someone, and get answered by an answering
machine. You then make fast, high pitched squeaky noises, like a tape
going really fast, and when the owner listens to the tape, they think
their machine has gone wrong! Ho ho ho!
Michele
Jean-Marc Lalouette
In article <4nbak5$4...@news.snni.com>, mcca...@exo.com (Mike McCarthy) says:
>
>I used to a nice quiet answering machine. The message went like this;
>
>Hello.......................
>after about 10 seconds
>oh I forgot, Iam not home , please leave a message.BEEP
for about 10 seconds.
>used to piss people off thinking they were talking to me.
As for other funny messages...
I've tried all of these with varying results
Hello, Joe's Taxidermy service, You snuff em we Stuff em
Hello, Harry's house of hedonism, where the customer always comes first
Hello, <your city name here> city morgue, which stiff do you want to speak to
Hello, Can I speak to mike ?(this one worked best got the caller totally
confused
Raptyr
E-Mail LALO...@TELKOM04.telkom.co.za
phone +27123111811
fax +27123245128
S-Mail Forget it it takes too long!!!
Ob Disclaimer: My views are not necessarily Telkoms
Telkoms views are not necessarily mine.
Mark Shallow
Here is a funny way to anwer the phone:
Im sorry, I am here right now, please dont leave a message after the
tone.. *BEEP*
On Wednesday May 15, 1996, jason leong wrote...
Gaetan Jobin
: One I heard from a (former) co-worker: "City morgue - you stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
Even better:"City morgue, will this be pick-up or delivery?"
--
Tim
In article <4nkjek$7...@news2.texas.net>, tli...@computek.net says...
>
>How about...
>
>I'm sorry, I'm not home right now... Oh, wait a minute... Here I come
>now... Oh, never mind. I guess it was just some salesman. Leave a
>message and I'll get back to you.
>
>People used to tell me they'd initially be glad when they heard I was
>arriving home, then they'd remember they were listening to a recording.
>
>______________
>
>Tim -- The guy with no signature line.
>
>
Okay, okay... Don't tell me! I'm 56% brain dead this morning. I just
sent this message and THEN noticed I was posting in a thread of "Funny
wasy to answer the phone" not "Funny Answering Machine Messages." Sorry
for any confusion.
There will consequently be no charge for this message or my previous one
(although I will still accept donations).
Tim
Tim
Tim Leonhardt
"How about...
"
"I'm sorry, I'm not home right now... Oh, wait a minute... Here I come
"now... Oh, never mind. I guess it was just some salesman. Leave a
"message and I'll get back to you.
Not funny
http://www.tiac.net/users/mirkwood
Tim Leonhardt
In article <Pine.SOL.3.91.960516...@suma3.reading.ac.uk>,
"m.a.cleveland" <ehsc...@reading.ac.uk> wrote:
"On 8 May 1996, Jason Ramos wrote:
"
"> My friend used this on his answering machine:
">
"> "Hello?...Hello?...Is someone there?...Hello?...God, I hate this
"> crap!...(Dial Tone, then beep)"
">
"> His roommate's mom called one day and was sure that it was someone on the
"> line that was unable to hear her. She called the operator, and he tried
"> to explain that it was a machine. The whole conversation was recorded on
"> the machine. Very funny stuff.
Ok, kinda of funny
"Ha ha, what about when you call someone, and get answered by an answering
"machine. You then make fast, high pitched squeaky noises, like a tape
"going really fast, and when the owner listens to the tape, they think
"their machine has gone wrong! Ho ho ho!
not very funny
http://www.tiac.net/users/mirkwood
Vicente E. Zamora
I sometimes answer this on the phone..
"Hello? I'd like a large special pizza with extra cheese."
"Good evening, say it with no fear"
"Hello? Is Mark there?" (Mark or Cyndi or Vincent or N.O.Body will do)
"He's not here, will you leave a message?" (this is obviously before the
caller asks for anybody)
--
* Vicente E. Zamora zam...@deimos.tc.uaslp.mx *
* San Luis Potosi, SLP, MEXICO http://www.uaslp.mx/~zamora/ *
******************************************************************
John Alway
Vicente E. Zamora wrote:
> "He's not here, will you leave a message?" (this is obviously before the
> caller asks for anybody)
How about: "Earth. Go ahead."
...John
Q
When the phone rings at my house it is always for my sister Rachel.
Especially late at night when ONLY her stupid friends would call, I like
to answer the phone "Is Rachel there?" Then when they keep asking for
her, I tell them I must have dialed a wrong number and hang up.
Later,
Noah Crissey
B...@pnn.com
All I ask for is the chance to prove that money can't buy happiness.
All hail the Great
________ ________ _______
| \ | \ / \
| __ \ | __ \ / ___ \
| | \ | | | \ | / / \ \
| |__/ / | |__/ / | | | |
| __ < | __ < | | | |
| | \ \ | | \ \ | | | |
| |__/ | | |__/ | \ \___/ /
| / | / \ \
|________/ |________/ \______/\__|
----------Ruler of the Universe---------
Remember, Q sez: "You're only young once, but you can stay immature
forever."