Canonical List Of Sex Humor 7/7
The Flameboyant One
-= sex humor =-= 264 =---------------------------------------------------------
John McCarthy gets home after being released by the towel-head kidnappers.
He gets together with the lovely Jill who has been waiting for him all this
time, and they prepare for their first bonk in five years.
"John, I know this might be difficult for you after all this time, so if
there's anything special you want me to do, go fast or slow or anything, just
say and I'll do it."
"Well, there are two things..." replies John.
"Yes, tell me what you want, it'll be okay."
"First, I want to take you from behind...doggy style...up the ass."
She pales slightly, swallows and says: "Well, okay then, we can do that if
that's what you want. What's the second thing?"
"And can I call you Henry?"
-= sex humor =-= 265 =---------------------------------------------------------
Two women arrive to the vet, each carrying one male dog.
Woman1: Why did you bring your dog?
Woman2: Because I want it castrated. You see, he keeps fucking all the female
dogs in the neighborhood. How about you?
Woman1: Because the other day, I was taking a bath when the soap fell down and
when I reached down to pick it up, the dog fucked me.
Woman2: So, you want it castrated too?
Woman1: No, I want his nails cut.
-= sex humor =-= 266 =---------------------------------------------------------
From the Winnipeg Free Press:
Dateline: London
A British man was found guilty yesterday of having sex with a dog after a
video he made of the act was inadvertently shown to speechless wedding guests
expecting to see a replay of a marriage ceremony.
The 59-year-old man lent his video recorder to a friend to film the wedding,
but forgot to erase from the tape scenes of him in sex acts with a neighbor's
bull terrier named Ronnie.
-= sex humor =-= 267 =---------------------------------------------------------
M.B.A.s Are Best
As if there aren't enough people applying to business school already, a new
study suggests that married M.B.A.s enjoy sex more than other professionals.
M.B.A.s had the highest score in a preliminary sexual-satisfaction index
compiled by Jennifer Knopf, a sex therapist at Northwestern University; Ph.D.s,
in contrast, had the lowest score. Lawyers and doctors were in the middle. The
80 married couples surveyed received points based on sexual problems, how
satisfying their sex life was, how often they desired intercourse, and how often
they had it.
-= sex humor =-= 268 =---------------------------------------------------------
Sex could get the economy going by having a VFT introduced, a Variable
Fornication Tax, which would be self assessment. Each act would incur a tax of
$5.00. Pensioners would get a rebate of the first 50 being free, and for people
over 80 lodging a return, they would receive membership to the Australian
Institute of Sport!
-= sex humor =-= 269 =---------------------------------------------------------
Men seem to become less interested in sex after marriage. In some cases, the
situation is so bad that the husband changes positions more often when he's
asleep than he does during sex, the husband doesn't go to sleep immediately
after sex but instead goes to sleep during sex, and if Madonna was married to
one of these men, she wouldn't just feel like a virgin, she'd be a virgin!
-= sex humor =-= 270 =---------------------------------------------------------
When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a
sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean
Of Motion Love Potion". Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The
Dead Sea".
-= sex humor =-= 271 =---------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine was taking psychology at San Francisco State College. The
professor and class were discussing Penis Envy, or more accurately, they were
discussing the reams of evidence refuting this redoubtable phenomenon. The
professor told the students of the experience of a friend of hers...
A male friend was taking a shower in the presence of his three-year-old
daughter. The daughter looked at her dad and said, "Daddy, you have a penis."
The father said, "Yes, I do."
The kid said, "I don't have a penis."
The dad said, "Yes, that's right."
The kid said, "Mommy doesn't have a penis."
Again, the dad confirmed.
The daughter frowned, and then looked up at her dad reassuringly and said,
"Well Daddy, I don't think you should worry, because yours is very small."
The psychology professor thought this was an excellent case for the existence
of "Penis Pity."
-= sex humor =-= 272 =---------------------------------------------------------
A woman was complaining to her best friend over lunch. "Every time my
husband climaxes, he lets out an ear-splitting yell."
"That doesn't sound all that bad to me," said her friend. "As a matter of
fact, that would kind of turn me on."
"It would me too," said the first woman, "if it just didn't keep waking me up
and if he didn't keep moaning our daughter's name in his sleep!!"
-= sex humor =-= 273 =---------------------------------------------------------
Reasons To Have Sex
Sex as a Tranquilizer -
"I always sleep 100% better after sex. I'm an actor, so if I have anxiety the
night before a performance, I don't sleep that well. So on those nights I make
sure to have some sex. It's the greatest tranquilizer I've found. And there are
no side effects. It's pretty addictive, though." - Sammy Dunlop, Actor
Sex as a Reward -
"If my wife does me a favor or something really nice for me, then I'll eat her
pussy for an extra-long time. My wife is a real sweetheart. My friends ask why
she's so nice." - Terry Williamson, Physical Education Teacher.
Sex to Fight Addiction -
"I've been trying to quit smoking cigarettes for years. As of today, I haven't
had a smoke in 42 days. Sex is the one thing that really seems to help when I
get a craving. It takes my mind right off the cigarettes totally. The hard part
is after sex, because then I really want a smoke." - Les Clark, Art Director
(Remember, if you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast. - M.F.)
Sex as a Laxative -
"I have a lifelong constipation problem. I've noticed that there is a direct
correlation between my constipation and my sex life. I get real constipated when
I'm not having sex regularly, and I'm fine if I'm having sex. I also think it's
good to have a lover massage my anus with her finger. I think it's healthy. And
it feels so good." - Jimmy Turnowski, Attorney
Sex to Get to Know Someone -
"I find that having sex with someone is a great way to get to know them. That's
why I still like to fuck on the first date. I can tell a lot about a person by
fucking them." - Janet Rivera, Real Estate Agent
Sex as Meditation -
"I use masturbation as my primary form of meditation. I put on some space music,
put in my vibrator then empty my mind and just float. It's incredible. It helps
me get in touch with my emotions. Sometimes I'll do affirmations and pray while
I masturbate. I focus inward and just love myself. I think of my masturbation
rituals as my path to enlightenment." - Katrina Rainbow, New Age Girl
Sex to Make Money -
"I use sex to make a lot of money. It's that simple" - Susie Que, Prostitute
Sex for Magic -
"I'm in a witches coven. If we want to accomplish something very important we
use sex in our magic ceremonies. It's called "sex magic." It's the most
powerful form of magic we do. It always works. Once we raised $25,000 for an
orphanage in Mexico with sex magic." - Jane Contrella, Witch
Sex for Manipulation -
"I'm in the music business, which is a really rough business. I use sex to get
what I want. I got a nice little recording contract with only one blowjob. With
sex you get them at their most vulnerable." - D.C., Lead Singer in a Rock Band
Sex for Gardening -
"I know this sounds a bit strange, but I have a beautiful garden, and I jerk off
onto my plants. I love jerking off outdoors; so I figure while I'm at it, I'll
kill two birds with one stone, and sprinkle my sperm onto a plant that needs a
little extra care. I figure if sperm can create a life, it must be a good
fertilizer." - Jonathan Dunlap, Interior Decorator
Sex to Increase Energy -
"I was living with a guy, and we were going to start a T-shirt business. We
worked day and night to get it off the ground. We used sex to keep us awake and
full of energy. My lover would fuck me, but not have an orgasm. So we would fuck
six, seven, eight times a day just to get our energy up. The business was a big
succes, until I left him. Then it went quickly down hill." - Nora Govan, Pot
Dealer
Sex as a Gift -
"For my best friend's 40th birthday, I sent her this very sexy, hot, 22 year old
guy to make love to her. She said it was the best present she'd ever had in her
entire life." - Carol Sternhell, Modeling Agent
Sex to Wake Up -
"I'm a very heavy sleeper, and I fucking hate alarm clocks. The best way to get
me out of bed is to fuck me hard and fast for just a few minutes. A nice, wild
quickie first thing in the morning, and I'm wide awake, baby." - Robin Spear,
Bartender
Sex to Cure Back Pain -
"I hurt my back doing gymnastics when I was a teenager. Now sometimes my lower
back really hurts. One thing I found that really helps is anal sex. I swear to
God, it really works." - Bubbles Delight, Stripper
Sex to Keep Warm in the Winter -
"We like to go skiing up in the Catskills. If we stay in a cabin and there's not
a lot of heat, what better way to stay warm than to make mad, passionate love?
It's better than an electric blanket any day." - Scott Chelnk, Writer/Editor
Sex as a Cream Rinse -
"In high school we would try to get girls to suck our dicks by telling them that
sperm made their hair real shiny. None of them beleived me, but I'll betcha it's
true." - Michael Cyril, Costumer
Sex for Stress Reduction -
"Some men like to go to the bar during lunch hour to relax. I like to visit my
lover. Then I return to work totally relaxed, which lasts about an hour,
because I have a high pressure job." - Charles Lenhoff, Stockbroker
Sex as a Spiritual Experience -
"Being so totally and completely in love with my mate, I find that sex can be a
manifestation of godliness. When we connect, I feel at one with the Earth, with
God and with Life. I feel so whole and complete and so holy and nourished." -
Rubin Howard, Nursery School Teacher
Sex for Exercise -
"Sex is great for maintaining physical fitness. My girlfriend has really hard
thighs from being on top. It's great excercise. She demands that I don't come
until she finishes her thigh workout. And look at my arms. That's just from
pumping nookie. It's good for the heart. You know, cardiovascular stuff. It's
the only excercise I do, and I'm in great shape." - Bob Dee Widder, Jewelery
Salesman
Sex for Thrills and Adventure -
"My boyfriend and I live dangerously. We have all kinds of wild sexual
adventures. Last week, we were at the movies, and he was playing with my pussy
the whole time. It was raining and we were under an umbrella with raincoats on.
No one could tell what we were doing. It was exciting." - Kitty Wichner,
Dietician
Sex for a Laugh -
"I love to laugh in bed. Sex can be really funny." - Georgio Deano, Pizza Shop
Owner
Sex as a Cure for Baldness -
"In my early 20s, I was still a hippie, and I had this great long hair.
Suddenly, it started coming out in big clumps. I had this brainstorm that if
semen could make new people, maybe it could make new hair. So at night before I
went to sleep, I would masturbate and rub it all over my scalp. When I woke up
in the morning it would be all dried up, shrunk, almost painful. Then I'd wash
it out. It definitely worked. My hair stopped falling out. I've used a similar
treatment for acne." - Fitugu Tadesse, Zoologist
Sex for Voice Training -
"I'm studying singing, and I was really having trouble with a particualr phrase.
My teacher is great. He said, 'Think of this microphone as a cock, and make love
to it with your voice, like a sort of blowjob with sound.' So I tried it, and it
worked great. Now I have a microphone fetish!" - Debora Kovacs, Up and Coming
Singer
Sex to Acheive Altered States -
"If I'm having really great sex, all kinds of amazing things happen. I leave my
body and have an out of body experience. I become breathed by the universe, and
I go into trance states. I've even had revelations and awakened memories of
past lives." - Arthur Abarbanel, Crystal Salesman
Sex for Mosquito Bites -
"When I was 18, I moved out of my parent's house to a little house in the
country. On my first night, I woke up with a billion mosquito bites. I hadn't
bought screens for the windows yet. So I open the medicine cabinet, and there's
no Calamine lotion. So I figured I needed something soothing and liquid. Yogurt
and sperm were all I had. So I tried them both. They both worked." - Darryl
Stipanela, Law Student
Sex for a Good Deed -
"There was this really fat girl, the fattest girl in all of Woodstock. We were
talking one night, and she confessed to me that the worst part of being fat was
that she hadn't had sex in three years. So I told her, being the nice guy that I
am, that I would have sex with her. I didn't really want to do it, but I climbed
on board. It was like being on a rubber raft in the ocean. I fucked her for a
good hour. She totally came to life. Her eyes were sparkling. It was beautiful
to watch. The only problem was that afterward she wouldn't leave me alone." -
Marco Vassi, Erotic Writer
Sex as Art -
"I'm a very creative person. I like to express myself. They say sex is an art. I
see it that way, just like painting or performing. I can express myself
creatively and imaginitively through sex. And believe me, I'm very creative.
Very." - Tanya Le Oiep Modern Dancer
-= sex humor =-= 274 =---------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine sent me this today and I feel it is just too rich not to share
it with you...
Well, this DJ, posing as a representative from a vibrator company, made a
call to a lady who had just bought a vibrator a few weeks ago. (Her boyfriend
clued them in. He also told them that she never used it.) The scam was that
there was a problem with the vibrator that could possibly cause an allergic
reaction.
When asked if the young woman had used the vibrator she, sounding very prim
and proper, said that she hadn't, that she had bought it to give to a friend as
a gag gift. The DJ said that if it had been used it was important that the
person get treatment as soon as possible and that the company would pay for all
expenses.
The woman then admitted that she had used the vibrator once. The DJ (sounding
very much like a DJ) explained more about the problem with the vibrator. He
then said that it was very important to ascertain how often the vibrator was
used. The woman then admitted that she had probably used it about once a day.
"Once a day!? For three weeks!!?" He went on and on about that for a
while. Then he said something to the effect that that degree of usage would
most likely cause a woman to listen to Chad and Mike on Super 102. He then
identified himself and revealed the scam.
"Oh, no!", said the woman. "Nobody will hear this, will they?"
"They're hearing it right now."
"Oh, nooooo!.."
Can you imagine this poor woman going to work the next day? I was screaming.
-= sex humor =-= 275 =---------------------------------------------------------
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss
comes out and tell him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle
it?" The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive
comments, he finally agrees.
So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a redhead woman comes
in.
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks, "How much for the black
dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later, a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had
a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
-= sex humor =-= 276 =---------------------------------------------------------
A woman walked into a sex shop to buy a vibrator. She asked the man at the
counter, "Where are the vibrators?"
He said, "Follow me, come this way" by waggling with his finger.
She responded, "If I could come this way, why would I need a vibrator, you
idiot?"
-= sex humor =-= 277 =---------------------------------------------------------
A lady went to her doctor when she accidentally got her vibrator stuck deep
inside of her.
"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a
very long and delicate operation."
"I don't think I could afford an operation right now," replied the lady.
"Could you just replace the batteries for a nominal fee?"
-= sex humor =-= 278 =---------------------------------------------------------
James, the country club instructor, spent hours trying to teach the shapely
young teenage girl how to swim. They had been in the pool all morning when she
finally asked him, "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"
-= sex humor =-= 279 =---------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her
how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
-= sex humor =-= 280 =---------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the
diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be
something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that
might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style
on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions
and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.
-= sex humor =-= 281 =---------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.
"You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.
"How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"
-= sex humor =-= 282 =---------------------------------------------------------
A naked woman gets into a taxi. When they reach their destination, the driver
looks over his shoulder and tells the woman how much she has to pay. The woman,
being naked, decides to pay in a different way and lies back in the seat, opens
her legs up, and says, "How about this?". The driver takes a look and then
replies, "Haven't you got anything smaller?"
-= sex humor =-= 283 =---------------------------------------------------------
A naked woman is getting into a taxi. The amazed driver looks at her with an
open mouth.
"Something wrong?" asks the woman. "Haven't you seen a naked women before?"
"Yes, answers the driver, "but I'm wondering from where you'll get your
money?"
-= sex humor =-= 284 =---------------------------------------------------------
A guy who has nothing to do all day except play with himself, gets very down
and hard on his luck, so he finally decides to consult a palmist regarding his
future.
He meets the palmist and asks him about job possiblities, marriage prospects
etc. The palmist takes one good look at his hands and orders him to strip from
the waist down. He then tells him that everything will fall into place within
six months...that he'll find a great high paying job and also get a gorgeous
wife.
After six months, he goes back to the palmist all happy and glowing because
all the predictions have come true. but one essential question remains. He asks
respectfully, "If you don't mind, will you please tell me why did you tell me to
strip on that day?"
The palmist replies, "Well! That's easy enough; you've used your hand so much
that all the lines got imprinted down there!!!"
-= sex humor =-= 285 =---------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, King Arthur was preparing for a long campaign. Wanting to
make sure the lovely Guinevere was safe from temptation, the King had her fitted
with an ingenious chastity belt that amputated anything attempting penetration.
King Arthur then rode off to battle.
Returning victorious six months later, the suspicious King ordered all the
palace retainers to drop their pants in the courtyard. One by one, King Arthur
saw stumps where their penises had been, except for one man who stood intact at
the end of the line.
"At least one amongst you is virtuous enough to resist temptation. A man of
honor indeed!" cried the King joyfully, throwing his arms around his loyal
retainer. "And what is your name?"
The man blushed and replied, "Aaaaghkohullhh."
-= sex humor =-= 286 =---------------------------------------------------------
The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night, he was awakened
by strange noises coming from below. He tiptoed downstairs and quietly observed
that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and masturbating
with a liverwurst. He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, a customer cam in and asked for some liverwurst. The
butcher explained that he didn't have any.
The customer was annoyed. He pointed and said, "No liverwurst, eh? Well,
what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"
The butcher frowned at him and replied, "That, sir, is my son-in-law."
-= sex humor =-= 287 =---------------------------------------------------------
At a party, a guy approached a girl and whispered something in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you do a
thing like that to me?"
Then her eyes narrowed and she said, "Unless you're the son-of-a-bitch that
stole my diary!"
-= sex humor =-= 288 =---------------------------------------------------------
There are nine very important men in a woman's life. They are:
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out, you'll lose interest."
-= sex humor =-= 289 =---------------------------------------------------------
A grocer delivery man was sick and so he got his mate to stand in for him.
"Now listen," said the sick dude, "deliver these groceries to Mrs. Franny.
Remember, her name is Fanny with an 'r'."
"Okay," says his mate, "got it."
So his mate gets the groceries, puts them in his truck, and drives down the
road, thinking to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r."
He stops at the lights still saying to himself, "Fanny with an r, Fanny with an
r, Fanny with an r."
Finally, he finds the house and goes up to the front door, still thinking,
"Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r, Fanny with an r", knocks on the door, "Fanny
with an r, Fanny with an r."
The lady opens the door and he is still thinking, "Fanny with an r, Fanny
with an r." And he says to her, "Here are your groceries, Mrs. Krunt!!!"
-= sex humor =-= 290 =---------------------------------------------------------
A newly qualified minister is apprenticed as curate to a parish in Billericay
(in Essex, home of the Billericay Dicky of huge -er- renown), and he is told by
the bishop to go out amongst the people in the streets in order that he can
start his pastoral care with some knowledge of his parishoners.
The young man thinks this is a good idea and he walks down the main street of
the town looking for people to talk with. The first person he meets is a young,
attractive woman standing under a streetlight.
"Hello my dear, I'm your new minister. How are you?"
"Fine"
"Can I ask what you do?"
"Well, I'm in business, you know... for myself".
"And what is the nature of your business?"
"Er...I'm a performer".
"Ah, a thespian! And may I ask, how is business these days?"
"Great! In fact, if I had another pair of legs, I'd open in the West End!"
-= sex humor =-= 291 =---------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming
to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have
something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and
says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee
that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work
and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The
pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle
reliever).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are
you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist says, "And..."
Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"
-= sex humor =-= 292 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The doctor examined him
and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer park," the man explained, "And from where I
am, I can see this absolutely stunning and gorgeous babe. She's blonde and
built like a Corvette, just all curves. Anyway, she's so horny that every night
I see her take a hotdog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the
floorboard of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the
hotdog.
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well," said the man, "I felt that this was a lot of wasted pussy, so, one
day, I slid myself underneath her trailer and when she put the hotdog into the
hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It was a great idea and everything
was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off
my hotdog and tried to kick it under the stove."
-= sex humor =-= 293 =---------------------------------------------------------
On the bus ride to work one morning, the driver tells this guy as he's
getting on, "Man! You look terrible today!"
The guy replies, "Really?! I feel great."
As the guy goes into his office, his boss takes one look at him and says,
"You look just awful this morning! Are you sure you're not sick?"
Again, the guy replies, "But I feel really great."
These comments get directed at the guy all day until he finally decides to
visit the doctor after work. The doctor sees him and immediately says, "Geez,
you look just awful and disheveled!"
The guy replies, "Yeah, I know, doc. Everyone's been telling me that all
day. But I feel great...really wonderful. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor gets out his huge medical reference book and starts thumbing
through it, talking to himself, "Hmmm...looks great, feels terrible... No,
that's not what you have... Ah, here it is...looks terrible, feels great."
"What is it, doctor?" the guy anxiously asks.
"Well, it says here in my book that you're a vagina."
-= sex humor =-= 294 =---------------------------------------------------------
A young woman with a baby was shown into the examining room. The doctor
examined the baby and then asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or bottle fed?"
"Breast fed," answered the woman.
"Strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
The woman did as she was told and the doctor examined her breasts. He
squeezed and pulled each one for awhile and then he sucked hard on each nipple.
Suddenly he remarked, "No wonder this child is suffering from malnutrition
You don't have any milk!"
"That's right," said the woman. "This is my sister's child."
"Well," said the startled doctor. "I had no idea. You shouldn't have come."
"I didn't," replied the woman, "until you started sucking on my second
breast."
-= sex humor =-= 295 =---------------------------------------------------------
One day, Superman was flying over the city when looking down he saw Wonder
Woman sunbathing nude on the roof of some building. He said to himself, "Since
the first time that I saw her, I have been dreaming about her; here is my
chance". So Superman goes into a dive, in and out like a flash, then goes back
up in the sky to his duties.
Wonder Woman, noting that something had happened, says, "What was that?"
The Invisible Man stands up and replies, "I do not know, but I sure felt
something strange going on in my ass."
-= sex humor =-= 296 =---------------------------------------------------------
Two girls are watching a movie together in a theater. One girl leaned over
to the other one and said, "Angie, the man next to me is masturbating!!"
"Just ignore him," replied her friend.
"I can't," she said. "He's using my hand!"
-= sex humor =-= 297 =---------------------------------------------------------
A couple of Army recruits were sitting on their bunks late one night
masturbating, when one said to the other, "How come you're going so slow?" "I
just can't think of any chicks right now who are worth hurrying about" he
replied.
-= sex humor =-= 298 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man went out behind his barn and caught his son playing with his manhood.
The father said, "Son, get a girl. She'd be twice as good as what you're doing
there."
The son replied, "Dad, if she'd twice as good as this, I don't think I could
stand it."
-= sex humor =-= 299 =---------------------------------------------------------
They have just concluded an extensive study and found out why there is a head on
the penis. It's so your hand won't slip off.
-= sex humor =-= 300 =---------------------------------------------------------
From "News Of The Weird":
John Dawson, 26, was arrested in South St. Paul, Minnesota, in February after
the failure of his alleged elaborate scheme to have sex.
Police say he broke into a young woman's apartment just before she arrived,
left her a note on the kitchen table, then undressed, put duct tape over his
eyes and handcuffed himself to her bed. In the note were instructions that she
was to go into her bedroom immediately and have sex with him because a man with
a gun had kidnapped him and was waiting to kill yet another person if she
refused.
Instead, she ran to the police, and Dawson, who had left the key to his
chains on the kitchen table, could not free himself before they arrived.
-= sex humor =-= 301 =---------------------------------------------------------
The ladies club was playing bridge on Saturday at a member's home. That
woman's husband comes into the room and announces that he's going to go golfing.
"Nice seeing you ladies," he says. "How about a goodbye kiss, honey?"
His wife walks over to him, unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, and plants
a kiss right on the head. All the other ladies sat there too stunned to say
anything. The woman calmly zips him back up, says goodbye, and sits back down
to play cards.
After the husband is gone, one of the women says, "I just have to ask. Why
do you kiss your husband goodbye on his thing?!?"
"Obviously," said the woman, "you've never smelled his breath!"
-= sex humor =-= 302 =---------------------------------------------------------
Cyclists are Sexier
"Bicycling Magazine" did a survey that showed:
Eighty-four percent of its readers think about sex while cycling.
When they're thinking, often they think about other cyclists; 68 percent of
the women readers said other cyclists are more sexually attractive than
non-cyclists. Sixty percent of the men agreed.
Twenty-eight percent of all respondents said they met a sex partner through
cycling. And two-thirds said cycling makes them better lovers.
While a majority of of the men surveyed said they thought about sex while
cycling, a majority of the women said they thought about cycling during sex.
-= sex humor =-= 303 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man was very shy, and couldn't speak to more than two people at a time
without getting nervous. His boss and wife both suggested that he take an
Andrew Carnegie course.
He did take the course, and was such a success that they asked him to give
the commencement speech for his class. He gave his talk on "How An Active Sex
Life Helps a Marriage". It was an overwhelming success.
When he got home, his wife asked what he spoke about. Embarrassed to tell
the truth, he told her "My Experiences while Boating".
A few days later, his wife ran into his instructor. The instructor was
saying what a wonderful talk her husband had given. To which she replied, "I
was surprised at the topic he chose. He has only done it twice. The first
time, he got sea-sick, and the second time, he fell off!"
-= sex humor =-= 304 =---------------------------------------------------------
A guy comes home all excited. "Honey, I've discovered a new position we can
try to spice up our sex life!"
The wife asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies, "Back to back."
The woman thinks for a moment and says, "That's impossible. It can't be
done."
The husband says, "Sure it can. And I've persuaded another couple to help
us."
-= sex humor =-= 305 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a talent agency with a briefcase. He opened it and out
popped a midget which played beautiful music on a miniature piano.
Now the talent scout was really impressed. So he asked the man how he got
such a treasure.
The man replied, "You see, I was walking down the beach this one day when I
came upon a bottle on the sand. I opened the bottle and out came an old genie.
Said he has been trapped in the bottle for 5000 years, and since I freed him,
would grant me a wish. But the damned genie, he was old and deaf, he thought I
wanted a 12-inch pianist!"
-= sex humor =-= 306 =---------------------------------------------------------
A bill introduced in the Georgia legislature in January 1994 by Rep. Doug Teper
of Alabama would require warnings in all hotel roooms that fornication,
adultery, and sodomy are illegal in the state. The bill also requires that the
warnings be in Braille and "internationally recognized symbols," which were not
specified.
-= sex humor =-= 307 =---------------------------------------------------------
The husband was furious when he found out the checking account was empty.
When he confronted his wife about it, she simply told him, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?!" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years.
Now, it's my turn."
-= sex humor =-= 308 =---------------------------------------------------------
This very young and innocent country girl fell madly in love with this Greek
guy and was determined to marry him. Her mother tried hard to stop her, but
when she knew she couldn't stop her daughter, she said to her, "Listen child,
marry him and may you live happily ever after. But the day or night he asks you
in bed to turn over, you come back to me, for he has lost respect for you."
The daughter agrees to this and the wedding takes place.
Couple of years go by and they are one happy couple. Then one night, when
they are about to make love, the guy tells her, "Turn over honey, let's do it
the other way."
The girl is very unhappy. She is crying and begins to pack her bags.
The husband doesn't understand and asks, "What's wrong, hon?"
"My mom told me all about you guys. You have lost respect for me, so you
want me to turn over. I can't live with you when you have no respect for me."
"But honey," replied the Greek, "I thought you wanted to have a baby."
-= sex humor =-= 309 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man was sunbathing nude on a beach and reading a newspaper. He saw a
little girl walking towards him and immediately covered himself with the paper.
The girl came up and said, "Hey mister, whatcha got under the paper?"
To which he replied, "Nothing kid, it's just my pet bird. Now go away."
Being curious, the girl then asked, "Can I please see your bird,mister?"
"NO", snapped the man.
Once again, she asked, "Please can't I just pet your bird?
The man replied angrily, "NO, GO THE HELL AWAY!!!"
The little girl walked away and the man fell asleep. Well, the next thing
the man knows, he's waking up in a hospital bed and there's a doctor standing
over him, laughing.
The man demands to know where he is and why and the doctor calls the little
girl who witnessed the whole incident to come in and explain what had happened.
Tearfully, the girl walks in and sits next to the man.
The man says, "Hey, you're the little brat from the beach. What's going on
here?"
To which the little girl replied, "I'm sorry mister. I know you told me not
to look at or touch your bird, but after you fell asleep I did anyway."
"So, that doesn't explain why I'm here," replied the man who was getting
angrier by the minute.
"Well," the girl continued, "while I was petting it, it spit at me, so I
broke its neck, crushed its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
-= sex humor =-= 310 =---------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One
day while taking dictation, she noticed that his fly was open. When leaving the
office, she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know that your barrack's door is
open?" He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and
saw that his zipper was open.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks
door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, being quite witty, replied, "Why no, Mr. Smith, all I saw was
a little disabled veteran sitting on two old duffle bags!"
-= sex humor =-= 311 =---------------------------------------------------------
In December 1993, India's "Pioneer" newspaper reported that U.S. corporations'
donations of relief goods for the victims of the September earthquake in rural
Maharashtra state included the seldom-used dental floss, contact lens cleaner,
and lubricants for sexual intercourse. The newspaper reported that an
illiterate barber mistook the lubricant for shaving cream and used it on
customers.
-= sex humor =-= 312 =---------------------------------------------------------
Two business partners, both married men, were taking turns making love to their
secretary. As a result, she became pregnant with twins. On the big day, one
partner congratulated the other, "She had twins," he said. "Unfortunately, mine
died.
-= sex humor =-= 313 =---------------------------------------------------------
A guy is going to Las Vegas with his college buddies during his summer break.
His dad gives him a $100 bill and says, "Here son, do what you can for me with
this in Vegas."
When the son comes back home a week later, the father asks, "How'd I do?"
"You did great, dad," the son replies, "You got laid."
-= sex humor =-= 314 =---------------------------------------------------------
Two college coeds are talking over lunch.
Coed #1: I heard that you and John went on a date last night. How was it?
Coed #2: Arrrggh! I went over to his apartment last night and he just
assumed that I was spending the night.
Coed #1: Well, what happened?
Coed #2: I go so angry, I put my dress on and left.
-= sex humor =-= 315 =---------------------------------------------------------
News item in the St. Joseph (Missouri) News-Press on Thursday, April 28, 1994:
For this actress, all the track's a stage - Jogger: "Naked thespian attacked me
at college"
By Tim McLaughlin
A jogger says she was attacked at the Northwest Missouri State University
track by a naked Shakespearean actress scheduled to play Lady Macbeth in a local
production.
The 52-year-old jogger, who didn't want to be identified, said it took three
men, including her husband, to pull the naked actress off her Tuesday evening at
the university's track inside Rickenbrode Stadium. The accused attacker was
identified by university officials as Barbara Kinghorn, a former member of the
Royal Shakespeare Company. University public relations officer Robert M. Henry
confirmed the attack took place. Campus police said, "the university's guest
actress was taken to St. Francis Hospital." A news release is expected today.
Kinghorn was set to play Lady Macbeth on Wednesday evening at the
University's performing arts center. Other performances are set for today,
Friday and Saturday, Kinghorn also was set to present William Shakespeare's
"Riots and Roses" on Sunday.
The woman jogger said she noticed the naked woman while jogging with her
husband. She said about 20 people were in the area about 7 P.M. Tuesday. "She
was lying on a blanket with a male companion who was dropping leaves or pebbles
on her crotch," the Maryville woman told the News-Press on Wednesday night. "I
asked my husband, 'Does she have any clothes on?' But he thought she did."
A few minutes later, the naked woman started running toward the couple,
waving her arms laughing and yelling incoherently, the jogger said. The woman
tried to put her arms around the jogger's husband, but he resisted, pushing her
away.
"All of a sudden, this lady comes over, pressing her body all over my
husband," the jogger recounted. "And he said, 'Ma'am, we can't have it.' She
kept saying to my husband, 'Can I give it to you? Can I give it you?'"
After being rebuffed by the jogger's husband, the naked woman started
clinging to the jogger, scratching her face and neck, drawing blood.
Northwest Missouri campus safety submitted an incident report to Nodaway
County Prosecutor David Baird on Wednesday afternoon. Baird said campus police
cited the naked woman for several municipal violations, but declined to give any
details.
"I haven't reviewed the reports," Baird said. "We have to determine whether
state charges or municipal ones will be filed."
The jogger said Baird told her the municipal violations against Kinghorn
included assault and indecent exposure.
The attack has left the jogger shaken. Besides having her sunglasses and
Walkman broken, she fears the possibility of coming in contact with the HIV
virus.
"She had to be on drugs," the woman said. "She was really sweaty. Her body
fluids came in direct contact with my blood."
A recent Northwest Missouri State University press release hails Kinghorn as
an accomplished actress who has played opposite the actor Topol in London
productions. Kinghorn runs her own company, Stage by Stage, which organizes
backstage tours of London's theaters according to the press release. Kinghorn's
resume includes leading role in Arthur Miller's "View from the Bridge" and the
British cult television series "Dr. Who."
Henry said an understudy was set to play Lady Macbeth during Wednesday
night's performance of "Macbeth." "The play goes on," Henry said.
-= sex humor =-= 316 =---------------------------------------------------------
Sex In Public Places
From the New Orleans "Times-Picayune", April 3, 1994:
"Every time I say I've seen everything and can't be shocked, I'm proven
wrong." says police spokesman Mike Halphen of Bossier City, La., on the teenage
couple arrested for having sex on a daybed at Dillard's department store.
-= sex humor =-= 317 =---------------------------------------------------------
Researchers at John Hopkins have pinpointed the main cause of teenage pregnancy.
It's called a 'date'.
-= sex humor =-= 318 =---------------------------------------------------------
A little girl came running into the house crying and asked her mother for a
glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked the mother.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the crying, the mother poured her a glass of apple cider.
The little girl immediately dunked her hand into the drink.
"Ouch, it still hurts! It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What are you talking about?!" asked the mother.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that whenever she
gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
-= sex humor =-= 319 =---------------------------------------------------------
In January, the government of Brazil reported an annual inflation rate for 1993
of 2,500 percent and Yugoslavia reported that the cost of living rose 6 trillion
percent over the course of 1993. In Belgrade, a factory that manufactures steel
springs paid its workers in live pigs rather than money. In Rio de Janeiro, a
survey sponsored by the weekly newspaper "Isto E" found that inflation was at
least partly responsible for the diminished frequency of sexual relations in
Brazil, from an average person's three times a week to 1.6. Said a San Paulo
psychotherapist, "You can't be a victim in the street and a hero in bed."
-= sex humor =-= 320 =---------------------------------------------------------
From the San Jose Mercury News:
A homeless couple, Darryl Washington and Maria Ramos, were injured when a train
plowed into them as they were having sex on a mattress on the tracks of a New
York City subway station. Fortunately, the couple's injuries were not severe,
thanks to a quick-acting motorman. Nonetheless, the couple has filed a lawsuit
against the transit authority for "carelessness and negligence." The couple's
attorney made the statement, "Homeless people are allowed to have sex, too."
-= sex humor =-= 321 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man got on an elevator and there was a lady on it already, so he asks her,
"Excuse me ma'am, can I smell your pussy?"
She replies, "Hell no!"
"Well then," he says, "It must be your feet!"
-= sex humor =-= 322 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man was in a crowded elevator when he accidentally jabbed a young lady in
the chest with his elbow. He liked what he felt, so he said to her, "If the
rest of you is as terrific as your tits, I'd love to screw the daylights out of
you."
Without missing a beat, she said to him, "If your dick is as hard as your
elbow, come to room 402."
-= sex humor =-= 323 =---------------------------------------------------------
In January of 1994, "The Times" (London) reported that a recent feud in the
southern French town of Pia was coming to a head. Animal-rights activist Joelle
Cinca happens to live next door to one of France's top pornographic film
producers, Gerard Menoud, who sometimes shoots sex scenes in his yard. Menoud
claims that the noise made by the geese Cinca keeps in her garden disturbs his
films' soundtracks; Cinca claims that Menoud's actresses' loud orgasms have
traumatized her geese.
-= sex humor =-= 324 =---------------------------------------------------------
A young lass was having a heart-to-heart with her mother on her first visit
home since starting college.
"Mom... I must confess that I lost my virginity last weekend.."
The mother, a little shocked, told her daughter, "It was bound to happen
sooner or later. I just pray it was a very romantic and pleasant experience."
"Yes and no..." the darling coed replied. "The first eight guys felt great,
but after them, my pussy got real sore."
-= sex humor =-= 325 =---------------------------------------------------------
From a May 8, 1994 newspaper article:
Sex Loses In Poll Of Women And Pasttimes
New York - Sex may be great, but a poll of 500 women shows many of them
would prefer to relax on a tropical beach or have a romantic dinner than to have
sex.
The poll, a national random telephone survey conducted by Redbook magazine
with EDK Associates, a New York-based research firm, asked the women which of
seven activities would give them the most pleasure.
The poll found 29 percent of the women rated "relaxing on a beautiful
tropical beach" as giving them the most pleasure, followed by 28 percent who
selected having a "romantic dinner with your husband or boyfriend."
Only 9 percent selected "having sex with your husband or boyfriend," the same
rating given to "a sensual massage."
Further evidence that the women who were questioned aren't so hot on sex:
Having sex barely edged out having "a piece of chocolate cake with whipped cream
and hot fudge" (8 percent). However, it easily beat "riding in a convertible
with the top down (1 percent), the preferred activity on the list of pleasures.
The poll also asked the women if they made love "mostly with your eyes open
or your eyes closed." Forty percent said they didn't know, while 21 percent
replied "mostly with eyes open" and 39 percent replied "mostly with eyes
closed."
"Late at night" was the favorite time for making love (38 percent), followed
by "whenever" (23 percent). Ten percent preferred "early in the morning."
Asked if in the future they would make love more often, less often, or about
the same, 45 percent said "about the same" and 25 percent said "more often."
Asked to rate their husbands or boyfriends as lovers, most of the women gave
good marks, with 36 percent saying they were "terrific!" and 30 percent saying
"pretty good."
Despite sex's so-so ratings in the poll, the answers to another question
showed the real thing is better than fiction.
Asked if the sex in romance novels is better than the real thing, 26 percent
of the women said the book version was better but 45 percent said real-life sex
was better.
-= sex humor =-= 326 =---------------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
Beijing's official "Heilongjiang Legal News" publication reported in January of
1994 that the wife of Zhang Jingui, following the advice of a fortune-teller on
how to improve marital relations, cut off his penis with a pair of scissors.
The fortune-teller had concluded that the problem in the relationship was
Zhang's faulty organ and that the wife's only hope was to remove it so that a
new one would grow.
-= sex humor =-= 327 =---------------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has
ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up.
"And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About
half the hands stay up.
"Okay, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three
hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd.
"Gosh, that's pretty good. Okay, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate
with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks.
"Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a
ghost?"
The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought
you said 'goat'."
-= sex humor =-= 328 =---------------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together
for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door. The next
morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath
of fresh air.
"So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife??"
"Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking."
"Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore..."
-= sex humor =-= 329 =---------------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
A farmer was getting very tired of accidentally, but frequently, discovering
his 14-year-old son jerking off behind the barn. "Son," he said, "that's enough
of this foolishness. You're neglecting your chores and you'll go blind, too!
We're going into town to find you a wife, and put this nonsense to rest for
good!"
So they went to town to arrange a hasty marriage with some poor, unsuspecting
farm girl. The marriage was performed and everything was fine - problem solved
- until...
The farmer went out behind the barn one day a week later and discovered the
son, at it again, stroking the axe-handle, flogging the log, beating the meat,
and <your euphemism here>.
"Goddammit son," he roared, "here I go to all the trouble of getting you a
wife to take care of this tomfoolery and you're back at it again! What's the
matter with your new wife? Doesn't she take care of your needs properly?"
"Well Dad," the son said, "she was just fine at first, but her little arms
get so tired..."
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