one liners
Paul
I'm looking for a source of one liners (less than 10 words) to put on a
sign by the road for passing motorists. Cute, witty, and definately
rated G. Does anyone have any ideas where I could find some?
Thanks
Stephen Jaye
Paul <fow...@cyberus.ca> wrote:
>Thanks
How about "Some idiot put this here for you to read" ?
Stephen R. Janci
"Stephen Jaye"
Jack Flash
=================================================
STOP LOOKING AT ME!!
How's that?
Jack Flash
Paul Dietrich
On Fri, 14 Feb 1997, Paul wrote:
> Date: Fri, 14 Feb 1997 23:03:55 -0500
> From: Paul <fow...@cyberus.ca>
> Newsgroups: rec.humor
> Subject: one liners
>
> I'm looking for a source of one liners (less than 10 words) to put on a
> sign by the road for passing motorists. Cute, witty, and definately
> rated G. Does anyone have any ideas where I could find some?
>
> Thanks
>
>
"My other sign in on the porch"
(take off on "my other car is a porche" :) 0
Daphne Shiels
Jack Flash wrote:
> Stephen Jaye wrote:
> > Paul <fow...@cyberus.ca> wrote:
> > >I'm looking for a source of one liners (less than 10 words) to put on a sign by the road for passing motorists. Cute, witty, and definately rated G. Does anyone have any ideas where I could find some?
> > >Thanks
> > How about "Some idiot put this here for you to read" ?
Stephen R. Janci
"Stephen Jaye"
=================================================
> STOP LOOKING AT ME!!
> How's that?
> Jack Flash
what about......
PLEASE OBEY THIS SIGN!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
--
Regards from Daphne!
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
PRACTISE RANDOM KINDNESS AND ACTS OF SENSELESS BEAUTY
Frank Pineau
On Mon, 24 Feb 1997 14:28:30 -0800, Daphne Shiels <happ...@alphalink.com.au>
wrote:
>Jack Flash wrote:
>
>> Stephen Jaye wrote:
>
>> > Paul <fow...@cyberus.ca> wrote:
>
>> > >I'm looking for a source of one liners (less than 10 words) to put on a sign by the road for passing motorists. Cute, witty, and definately rated G. Does anyone have any ideas where I could find some?
>
>> > >Thanks
"This sentence is a lie."
<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*>
Frank Pineau ------------>
fra...@fe3.rust.net.nospam
http://www.rust.net/~frankp
Number one sign aliens aren't as advanced as we think:
Their first words: "Take us to your Skipper, Little Buddy."
<*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*><*>
Remove ".nospam" when replying. It foils unsolicited
commercial email.
Andy
On Fri, 14 Feb 1997, Paul wrote:
> I'm looking for a source of one liners (less than 10 words) to put on a
> sign by the road for passing motorists. Cute, witty, and definately
> rated G. Does anyone have any ideas where I could find some?
>
> Thanks
>
>
I just got these for a friend the other day, I don't know where he got
them from but some a quite funny. There are some of them twice but I
can't be arsed to sort them out!
Andy
I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
And on the 8th day God said, "Ok, Murphy, you're in charge."
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don't need it.
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
I never repeat gossip, so please listen carefully the first time.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your surprise.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
There's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil
them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
A friend in need is a Pest indeed.
The seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Corrupt REALITY.SYS. Reboot Universe (Y/N)?
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Don't take life too seriously. It's not permanent.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
I tried to drown my problems, but they can swim!
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I save time, do I get it back?
If I were you, who'd be me?
If you hear an onion ring, pleas answer it.
Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
Nothing is so simple that I can't screw it up.
Now that I've given up hope I feel much better.
OK, I'm weird, but I'm saving up to be eccentric.
One nuclear explosion can ruin your whole day.
Power corrupts. Absolute power.... cool!
Prejudice is the reason of fools - Voltaire.
I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit
Shell to DOS... come in, DOS... do you read... over?
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
The lab called: my brain is ready
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you!
When I was a kid, I was an imaginary playmate.
Whoever named it necking didn't know much about anatomy.
Don't give up kissing Princes; sooner or later one will turn into a frog.
My wife thinks I'm a pervert because I drank the water bed.
When I grow up, I want to be Peter Pan.
I always believed I could see myself sleeping, if I woke up fast enough.
I think I'm a good lover; I practice a lot when I'm alone.
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
I stopped to think and forgot how to start again.
If there's one thing I can't stand it's intolerance.
Make up a language and ask people for directions,
then, when they ask you where you're from, point to the sky.
Stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?
The future isn't what it used to be.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, supervise.
One thing you should know about censorship is ###############
Some common elements: hydrogen, oxygen, stupidity...
Winning isn't everything, but losing sucks.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.
Confucius says: Cross the river, "then" insult the crocodiles.
Democracy is three wolves and a sheep voting on what's for lunch.
If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
He who hesitates is probably right.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don't need it.
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
I never repeat gossip, so please listen carefully the first time.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your surprise.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Always lean on your principles, until they give way.
OK, I'm gross, but I'm training to be disgusting.
When I was a kid, I ran away from home. My parents changed the locks.
This life must be a test. If it were the real thing,
they would have given us clear and better instructions at birth.
He who laughs last is generally a bit slow.
This product sadistically tested on gerbils.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
(Bob Hope)
Do not disturb. Already disturbed.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Call it a hunch. (Quasimodo)
The way to a man's heart is through his rib cage.
Who is General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
"Happiness is a warm puppy", said the anaconda.
That which does not kill us really messes us up.
Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye!
No, I'm not an elitist. Why do you ask, peasant?
They perform functions no sane man would require of them, and then go beep
to let you know they've done it!
The pen is mightier than the sword--if the sword is very small, and the
pen
is very sharp.
A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with
company.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" ...until you can find a
rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Trapezoid: A device for catching zoids.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy?
I have a rock garden. Last week, three of them died.
If life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and salt.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
If everything seams to be coming your way, you might be in the wrong lane.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Some minds should be cultivated, others plowed under.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
The older I get, the better I used to be.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.
The Earth is 98% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Intel - still number 0.999873464508
Sorry about the crayon. They won't let me have sharp objects.
Styrofoam is shipped in ground-up environmentalists.
It's a SMALL war, can I have it?
Ambidextrose: able to put sugar in coffee with either hand.
Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.
This starship breaks for black holes and temporal disunities.
People like that are the reason we have middle fingers.
Hi. I'm the tagline your mother warned you about.
If it's not violent...what fun is it?
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
In DoubleSpace no one can hear your data scream.
Please, no deja vu; I don't want to go through that again.
Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.
Hi, I'm a tagline. When I grow up I'm gonna be a novel!
Please reply if you don't get this message.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
The trouble with life is the lack of cool background music.
Next from Intel: the Repentium.
I did NOT escape....they gave me a day pass.
I plan to be a late bloomer - it's the only chance I've got.
G = Guns, PG = Plenty of Guns, PG13 = more than 12 guns.
Cat bathing is a martial art.
I'm not so much human as cat furniture.
Morals for sale, never used. Contact Bill Clinton.
I always wanted to be something, I wish I'd been more specific.
Mars needs women - no experience necessary!
Yes, but you're taking the universe out of context.
There are no absolutes. And that's the absolute truth!
I've told you a billion times: Don't exaggerate!
My teeth are like stars: they come out at night.
The answer's NO! Now what's the question?
Use your brain: It's the little things in life that count.
I have a photografic memory: It just hasn't developed yet.
I'm just so fast that I'm always finished.
Where there's a will, There's relatives!
When I was in the Army, clothing came in two sizes:
too big and too small.
Something's missing. I can see it.
We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement.
We've got to act wisely and otherwisely.
We are on an irreversible course, but this could change.
Give me answers, not information.
Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it.
We have to settle this thing--now, once and for all, and for the
time being.
It's so unbelievable it's beyond belief!
Cheat fair!
If you forget the complications, it's all very simple.
If you can't defeat'em, confuse'em.
If you can't join'em, beat'em
When you're talking about me, keep your mouth shut.
We have to choose between collapse and ruin.
We need to save money at any cost.
What you're telling me is a matter of major insignificance.
It was effortless but nothing was done.
It's not a matter of life and death-- it's more important than that.
I am a man of sound prejudices.
Let me thank you in advance for past favours.
No one should ever visit Paris for the first time.
Take it and leave it!
The campaign is never over until I've won.
Their weaknesses are very strong.
I'm as well as can be inspected.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
When you have them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.......Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Tow-ers will be violated"
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Middle Finger!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at statistics."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock."
"2 + 2 =3D 5 for extremely large values of 2."
"Why isn't 'phonetics' spelled that way?"
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides
As long as schools have tests, there will be prayers
Work is for people who don't know how to surf the net
Forget about Karma... Visualize Using Your Middle Finger.
Everything he touches turns to gold. Everything I touch, they make me put
it back.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with..
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Sam Peterson
On Sat, 15 Feb 1997 17:23:42 GMT, st...@pipeline.com (Stephen Jaye)
wrote:
>Paul <fow...@cyberus.ca> wrote:
>
>>I'm looking for a source of one liners (less than 10 words) to put on a
>>sign by the road for passing motorists. Cute, witty, and definately
>>rated G. Does anyone have any ideas where I could find some?
>
>>Thanks
>
>How about "Some idiot put this here for you to read" ?
>Stephen R. Janci
> "Stephen Jaye"
>
>
This may not be as witty, but it'll get them to read it:
Do Not Read!
But like that'll stop you... and then the rest of whatever you have to
say. Trust me, anything that says do not is a dare and will make
people read it.
Sam
"Don't be cool, just be cool"