Bar songs collection #1
Chris Litchfield
FOOTPRINTS
Was it you that did the pushin',
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down?
Cuz' if it was you, you sly young pecker,
Who got into my daughter Rebeccer,
Then I think you'd better leave this town.
Came the reply...
Yes, 'twas I who did the pushin',
Left the stains upon the cushion,
Footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But ever since I got inside your daughter,
I've had trouble passin' water,
So I think that we are even all around.
**********************
CAPTAIN DUNCAN'S RAIDERS*
We're Captain Duncan's Raiders.
We're raiders of the night.
We're dirty sons-of-bitches,
We'd rather fuck than fight.
Roly-poly, dick-in-the-holey,
Up the slimy slew.
We're Captain Duncan's raiders,
And we will steal for you.
We're Captain Duncan's fieldhands.
We work all seven days.
We're underpaid, we never get laid,
We eat off plastic trays.
Fuckin' skeeters bite our peters,
Really makes us sick.
Oh, Captain Duncan, won't you suck my fuckin' dick!
**********************
THE YOOPER HILLBILLIES
Let me tell you a story 'bout a man named Jed,
Poor Detroiter, barely kept his family fed.
And then one day, he was holdin' up a store,
A cop came in and he ran out the door.
Back door ...
Alley side ...
Fleein' the fuzz.
The first thing you know, ol' Jed's a wanted man.
The kinfolk said, "Jed, move to No-Man's Land."
They said, "Upper Michigan's the place you want to stay."
So he loaded up his Chevy and he moved to Dollar Bay.
Keweenaw, that is ...
Icebergs ...
Hockey games.
The Yooper Hillbillies.
**********************
EAT BITE
chorus:
Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew,
Nipple, bosom, hair-pie, finger-fuck, screw,
Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit';
Sheep pussy, camel crack, big lion shit.
I went to a party and what did they do?
They took off their socks and they took off their shoes,
They took off their shirts and they took off their pants.
I had a hunch we weren't gonna' dance.
(chorus)
Everybody, everybody's ass was bare.
No bras left, just a queer over there.
The whole damn thing didn't phase me a bit--
I just jumped on the pile and grabbed me some tit.
(chorus)
My baby's not a sports fan,
But she plays with balls whenever she can.
Cuz' her favorite sport, you see,
Is playing tonsil-hockey.
(chorus)
**********************
WADSWORTH DORMITORY
On a dark Northern highway, freezin' wind in my hair,
Cold smell of Wad's dorm food risin' up through the air.
Up ahead in the distance, I saw my worst fear:
I had reached the University--I was stuck here for the year.
There she stood in the doorway, a snowcow with her bell.
And I was thinkin' to myself,
"This couldn't be heaven, it must be hell."
Then she bit into a Snickers and pushed me out of the way.
There were voices down the corridor,
I thought I heard them say ...
"Welcome to the Wadsworth Dormitory,
Such an atrocity (full of insanity).
Three people per room at the Wadsworth Dormitory.
Any time of year, you can find it here."
Her mind was chemistry twisted, she's got the biology bends,
She's got a lot of hard-up boys, that she calls friends.
How they dance in the lunchroom, some reek of sweat,
Some dance to remember, some dance to forget.
So I called up the R.A.,
"Please open my door."
He said "We haven't had the key to that room
Since 1964."
And still the R.A. is yelling at us every day
Pounding on your door in the middle of the night,
Just so he can say:
"I know you're new at the Wadsworth Dormitory,
What a lousy place (what a rotten place).
No livin' it up at the Wadsworth Dormitory.
Keep your stereo low, or out the door you'll go."
Posters on the ceiling, Old Milwaukee on ice,
And the R.A. said, "you'd better have a permit here,
A false one won't suffice!"
And in the cafeteria, they gathered for the feast?
They stab it with their butter knives,
But they just can't kill the beast.
Last thing I remember, I was runnin' for the door.
I had just taken a chemistry test,
And I couldn't stand it any more.
"Relax," said my roommate, "Here's what I've seen,"
You can pass any class you want,
Just bring your own Vaseline."
**********************
DORM FOOD
Hello, Buella, my old friend,
I've come to bitch at you again.
Because a substance softly seeping,
Left its taste while I was sleeping.
And the taste that was planted on my tongue
Was that of dung.
It was the taste of Dorm food.
In restless sleep I tossed alone,
Rolling on my kidney stone.
'Neath the shadow of a food tray,
I threw my carrots and my meat away.
As my throat was stabbed by the taste of the lemonade,
Lower grade,
It fit the taste of dorm food.
In the noonday light I saw
Ten-thousand Tech-men, maybe more.
Tech-men leaning on the table,
Standing up if they are able,
Some even tasted the chili if they dared.
None were spared
From the taste of dorm food.
"Fools," said I, "you do not know--
Dorm food, like a cancer, grows.
Hear my words, that I might teach you.
Smell my breath, that it might reach you."
But my words, like silent bullshit, fell,
Drowned in the smell of dorm food.
And the tech-men wept and cried,
From the pain they felt inside.
As their guts shouted out a warning,
With the gasses they were forming;
As the belches and farts go floating down the hall,
telling all:
Beware! of the taste of dorm food.
IMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM;
: Life is like a shit sandwich--- :
: The more bread you have, :
: the less shit you have to eat! :
HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM<
**********************
PUBIC HAIR SONG
I was having me a burger in a dirty greasy-spoon cafe.
I was eatin' it with relish when the man beside me turned to say,
"What's that pubic hair doin' layin' in your bun?"
I said,"I never saw it sittin' there, are you sure it's really one?"
He stood up on the table, and said,"Now looky here,
"I've traveled all over this country, and I know pubic hair."
chorus:
"I've seen pubic hair, man. I've never liked 'em there, man.
I've even got my share, man, beneath my underwear, man.
Stickin' out here and there, man. I've seen pubic hair.
"I've seen great ones, straight ones, always-on-your-plate ones,
Long ones, strong ones, little curly blonde ones,
Red ones, dead ones, layin'-on-the-head ones,
Black ones, brown ones, little ducky-down ones,
Short ones, thick ones, growin'-from-your-dick ones,
Grown ones, shown ones, lone ones, chrome ones.
(chorus)
"I've seen bushy ones, cushy ones, up-against-your-pussy ones,
Saved ones, shaved ones, floatin'-in-your-gravy ones,
Dirty ones, flirty ones, fluffin'-up-the-birdy ones,
Neat ones, sweet ones, on-the-toilet-seat ones,
Hipper ones, gripper ones, catch-'em-in-the-zipper ones,
Grown ones, shown ones, lone ones, phony ones
(chorus)
**********************
SIT ON A HAPPY FACE
Springtime is full of laughter,
So sit on a happy face.
I'll brush my teeth right after,
So sit on a happy face.
Uncross your legs, take off my glasses,
And put a pillow under my head.
You'll feel so good, you'll be glad
You decided to spread.
Pick out a spot that's comfy,
May I suggest my nose?
Watch when my pants get lumpy, yeah,
And rub it between your toes.
And spread your cheeks all over the place,
And sit on a happy face!
**********************
NO BEER
In Heaven there is no beer;
That's why we drink it here.
And when we're gone from here,
Our friends will be drinking all our beer.
In Heaven there is no snow;
That's why we want to go.
And when it's ten below,
Our friends will be freezing in the snow.
In Heaven there are no refs;
But here they're blind and deaf.
And when we all have left,
Our friends will be bitchin' at the refs.
In Heaven there is no sex;
That's why we use Brand X.
And when our number's next,
Our friends will be having all our sex.
In Heaven there is no pot;
That's why we smoke a lot.
And when we die and rot,
Our friends will be smoking all our pot.
In Heaven there is no chew;
That's why we spit at you.
And when we're gone to blue,
Our friends will be spittin' all our chew.
In Heaven there are no bars;
That's why we drink in cars.
And when we go to the stars,
Our friends will be drinking in their cars.
**********************
YESTERDAY
Leprosy ... all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?
Syphillis ... it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
Oh, how did I get syphillis?
Why her box was sick, I don't know, she wouldn't say.
Now my dripping dick won't get thick like yesterday.
Yesterday ... my cock was always coming out to play.
Now it needs two weeks to hide away.
Now I believe in yesterday.
**********************
ROLLS IN
chorus:
Rolls in, rolls in. Oh lord how the money rolls in, rolls in.
Rolls in, rolls in. Oh lord how the money rolls in.
My father makes book on the corner,
My mother makes bathtub gin.
My sister makes love for a quarter,
Oh lord, how the money rolls in.
(chorus)
My grandma sells cheap phrophylactics,
She punctures the head with a pin.
While grandpa gets rich on abortions.
O lord, how the money rolls in.
(chorus)
My cousin's a barmaid in Sydney,
For a quarter she'll strip to the skin.
She's busy from morning 'til evening.
Oh lord, how the money rolls in.
(chorus)
My brother's a true missionary,
He saves young women from sin.
He'll save you a beaut for a shilling.
Oh lord, how the money rolls in.
(chorus)
My wife is a hooker in Hoton,
A dollar will buy you some sin.
Or a ten spot will buy you the evening.
O lord, how the money rolls in.
(chorus)
**********************
YALE
Oh, the freshmen at Yale get no tail,
Oh, the freshmen at Yale get no tail,
To relieve their frustrations they resort to masturbation.
Oh, the freshmen at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the sophomores at Yale get no tail,
Oh, the sophomores at Yale get no tail,
To relieve their frustration they resort to Harvard men.
Oh, the sophomores at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the seniors at Yale get no tail,
Oh, the seniors at Yale get no tail,
That's why half the junior class has to take it up the ass.
Oh, the seniors at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the president of Yale gets no tail,
Oh, the president of Yale gets no tail,
His wife is so frigid, he cannot keep it rigid.
Oh, the president of Yale gets no tail.
**********************
LYDIA PINKUM
Have you heard of Lydia Pinkum,
And her compound so refined?
It makes pricks like flowing fountains,
And makes cunts go on behind.
chorus:
Then we'll sing, we'll sing, we'll sing of Lydia Pinkum,
And her love, her love, her love for the human race, human race.
How she makes, she bottles, she sells her vegetable compound,
And the papers, they publish her face.
Mrs. Jones had rotten kidneys
And she simply could not pee.
So she took, she swallowed, she gargled some vegetable compound,
Now they pipe her to the sea.
(chorus)
Oh, little Johnny, the little bastard,
Through masturbation has lost his vim.
So he took, he swallowed, he gargled some vegetable compound,
And now the rabbits envy him.
Geraldine, she had no breast works,
And she could not fill her blouse.
So she took, she swallowed, she gargled some vegetable compound,
And now they milk her with the cows.
(chorus)
Now Mr. Brown had a very small penis,
He could hardly raise a stand.
So he took, he swallowed, he gargled some vegetable compound,
Now he comes in either hand.
Master Brown had very small testes,
They were just like a couple of peas.
So he took, he swallowed, he gargled some vegetable compound,
Now they hang below his knees.
**********************
WHY DON'T WE GET DRUNK AND SCREW
I really do appreciate the fact you're sittin' here.
Voice sounds so wonderful, but your face don't look too clear.
So, barmaid, bring a pitcher, another round of brew.
Well, honey, why don't we get drunk and screw.
Well I just bought a waterbed; sealed it up with Elmer's Glue.
They say you were a stud queen.
Honey, I don't think that's true.
So why don't we get drunk and screw.
Why don't we get stoned and screw.
I just found a little good Columbian herb,
We'll smoke it all, me and you.
After all of that shit, neither one of us can move!
Well Honey why don't we get drunk and screw.
Yeah now Baby, why don't we get drunk and screw.
**********************
LUMBERJACK SONG
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day,
He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
I cut down trees; I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavat'ry.
On Wednesday I go shoppin',
And have buttered scones for tea.
He cuts down trees; he eats his lunch.
And goes to the lavat'ry.
On Wednesday he goes shoppin',
And has buttered scones tor tea.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing,
And hangs around in bars?
I cut down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels?
Suspenders and a bra?
**********************
UNDERGRAD BLUES
So you want to go to college? I'll tell you what to do:
First you need a little time, like a year or two,
Or three, or six.
Nine sounds fine.
Then you need a little money, and a whole lot more.
I don't mean hundreds, I mean figures of four,
Or five, or six,
Nine sounds fine.
You arrive at some school way out in the sticks.
A half-night's sleep and you're up at six.
With a bunch of other guys, you're standing in line.
And the clerk says "The window doesn't open 'til nine."
And you're hungover, poppin' bromo,
Gotta' go to the can.
OH FINE!
Now to the bookstore to get them books.
Give the checkout girl those dirty looks.
As she flattens out your wallet, you read the sign:
"Pencils--Nineteen ninety-nine. Ecology-minded.
Pollution-free. Safe for children.
No lead.
You're eatin' at the dorm, and it ain't too bad,
'Til your bladder and your colon say "We've been had!"
And before the clock chimes, it's the nine-o'clock tally.
You're playin' shepherd in the porcelain valley.
On you knees, huggin that fixture,
Callin' sheep. BLEAHHHHHGGGGGGHHHHH!
First day of school, your head in a cloud,
You trot off to class with the rest of the crowd.
The prof brings you down with his opening line:
"Of the forty of you, I'll pass only nine.
And there you sit, checkin' the odds,
Thirty-nine Einsteins, and you:
DUHHHH!
Eight years later, it's your senior year.
"One more course, and I'm out of here."
Got a term paper due, but that's okay--
The deadline's at least four hours away.
Haven't picked a topic yet. Got some ideas, though.
Better finish my beer, helps me think,
About next term.
**********************
THEY'RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY
Remember when you ran away, and I got on my knees,
And begged you not to go because I'd go berserk?
Well, you left me anyhow, and then the days got worse and worse.
And now, you see, I've gone completely out of my mind.
And they're coming to take me away, ha-ha.
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho.
Hee-hee, ha-ha, to the funny farm,
Where life is beautiful all the time.
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean, white coats.
And they're coming to take me away, ha-ha.
You thought it was a joke, and so you laughed.
You laughed when I had said that losing you
Would make me flip my lid, right?
You laughed, you laughed and laughed, and then you left.
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And they're coming to take me away, ha-ha.
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho.
Hee-hee, ha-ha, to the happy home,
With trees, and flowers, and chirping birds,
And basket weavers, who sit, and smile,
And twiddle their thumbs and toes.
And they're coming to take me away, ha-ha.
I cooked your food. I cleaned your house.
And this is how you pay me back,
For all my kind, unselfish, loving deeds, huh?
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet.
And when they do, they'll put you in the A.S.P.C.A.,
You mangy mutt!
They're coming to take me away, ha-ha.
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho.
Hee-hee, to the funny farm,
Where life is beautiful all the time.
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean, white coats.
And they're coming to take me away to the happy home,
With trees, and flowers, and chirping birds,
And basket weavers, who sit, and smile,
And twiddle their thumbs and toes.
**********************
And they're coming to take me away, ha-ha,
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time.
And I'll be happy to see those nice young men
In their clean white coats.
And they're coming to take me away, ha-ha.
**********************
KNOCK-KNOCK (Gang-bang Song)
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Lena!
Lena who?
Lena up against the wall--we're gonna' have a gang bang!
(chorus)
Oh yes, we will.
Because a gang bang gives us such a thrill.
When I was younger, and in my prime,
I used to gang bang all the time.
But now I'm older and turning grey.
I only gang bang once a day.
Variations:
Charlie Pride (her legs apart at the gang bang).
(chorus)
Butch (your dick in gear and have a gang bang).
(chorus)
Eisenhower (late for the gang bang).
(chorus)
Tijuana (bring your mother to the gang bang).
(chorus)
Gladiator (before he took her to the gang bang).
(chorus)
Urine (for sloppy seconds at the gang bang).
(chorus)
Emerson (nice tits, bitch!).
(chorus)
Wilma (finger do 'til I get a boner?).
(chorus)
Raygun (brought his own Bush to the gang bang).
**********************
CHUGA-LUGA
Here's to brother _______,
Brother ______, brother _______.
Here's to brother _______,
Who's with us tonight.
He's happy, he's jolly,
He's horny, by golly!
Here's to brother _______,
Who's with us tonight.
So drink, motherfucker,
Drink, motherfucker,
Drink, motherfucker,
Drink, motherfucker.
Here's to brother _______,
Who's with us tonight.
--
No .Signature File Here!!! Waste of time and money! why should we
have such nonsense. Who cares who we are anyways? Maybe we should
hang people with .Signature files? LYNCH EM I SAY!
I just say Sign em like This.. Chris Litchfield Wuz Hea! Manually!
Ash...@ypmb.yale.edu
YALE
Oh, the freshmen at Yale get no tail,
Oh, the freshmen at Yale get no tail,
To relieve their frustrations they resort to masturbation.
Oh, the freshmen at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the sophomores at Yale get no tail,
Oh, the sophomores at Yale get no tail,
To relieve their frustration they resort to Harvard men.
Oh, the sophomores at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the seniors at Yale get no tail,
Oh, the seniors at Yale get no tail,
That's why half the junior class has to take it up the ass.
Oh, the seniors at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the president of Yale gets no tail,
Oh, the president of Yale gets no tail,
His wife is so frigid, he cannot keep it rigid.
Oh, the president of Yale gets no tail.
For the record, this is the correct version:
Oh, the freshmen up at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the freshmen up at Yale get no tail.
To relieve their frustration,
They resort to masturbation.
Oh, the freshmen up at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the sophomores up at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the sophomores up at Yale get no tail.
So half the freshman class
Has to take it up the ass.
Oh, the sophomores up at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the juniors up at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the juniors up at Yale get no tail.
So to satisfy their yen,
They resort to Harvard men.
Oh, the juniors up at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the seniors up at Yale, they get tail.
Oh, the seniors up at Yale, they get tail.
They know a bottle of Scotch
Will open any crotch.
Oh, the seniors up at Yale, they get tail.
Oh, the faculty up at Yale, they get tail.
Oh, the faculty up at Yale, they get tail.
If they want a piece of ass,
They just keep it after class.
Oh, the faculty up at Yale, they get tail.
Oh, the president up at Yale get no tail.
Oh, the president up at Yale get no tail.
His wife is so frigid,
He cannot keep it rigid.
Oh, the president up at Yale get no tail.
If you're going to post rude things about us, take the trouble to
get it right.
Adams B Michaels
Or even better
Oh the President from Yale gets no tail,
Oh the President from Yale gets no tail,
'Cause it's hard to get it on when your wife looks like your mom,
Oh the President from Yale gets no tail.
Ash...@ypmb.yale.edy
Or even better
Not only is it not as funny, it's not authentic. And now for the
bonus verse:
Oh, the bulldog up at Yale has no tail.
Oh, the bulldog up at Yale has no tail.
After fout year in these halls,
He's lucky to still have balls.
Oh, the bulldog up at Yale has no tail.