A Conservative's Wakeup Call
Paul Vader
Certain stupid stereotypes and illogical prejudices are
larger than they may appear in mirror. Void where
prohibited, so long as it's nowhere near me.
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[The scene: It is early morning on January 20th. George Bush is fast asleep
in his bed. Barbara is on a "trundle" bed across the room, also sleeping.
The phone rings, George answers]
GB: "Hello, this is the President. [looks at his watch] For the next couple
hours anyway. What is it?"
BC: [on phone] "Hi dude, this is Bill Clinton. I warned you about Jim Baker.
He's still barricaded in his office. If he doesn't start acting
reasonable in five minutes I'll have to take decisive action. This is the
first day of the first 100 of the rest of my administration, you know."
GB: "OK fine, rub it in. I'll give him a call and see what can be done at
this juncture."
BC: "You do that. Don't forget to make the bed before you leave. Bye!
[click]"
GB: "Don't have to make the gosh darn bed. Don't know how anyway. Not like
this is a proper Presidential Suite." [George mumbles on in this vein
for a moment as he looks tiredly around the room. It is apparent
that the decorators have been all over the place. What once was a
tasteful combination of Northeastern Fisherman and South Texas Urban
Cowboy motifs is now a violently colorful collection of futons,
psychedelic Peter Max posters, and Native American rugs and blankets.
The washroom is screened off with a curtain of plastic beads. A Sitar
and an Alto Sax hang on one wall. A table lamp with the shade removed
has a black light screwed into it. Several stacked milk crates (the
perfect bookcase building material) are overflowing with an extensive
set of sex manuals and many CDs of "The Devil's Music." George dials,
and quickly moves the phone away from his ear.]
VOICE: [in a way over-amplified and heavily echoed voice reverberating
through the handpiece] "WHO PRESUMES TO INTRUDE UPON THE GREAT AND
POWERFUL CHIEF OF STAFF?!"
GB: "Jim, can you please turn off that infernal talk-boy? We need to talk."
JB: [if anything, louder] "YOU MAY PETITION TO MY SERVANT FOR AN AUDIENCE."
GB: "You know as well as I do that the entire White House staff has been
fired, and that you're alone in your office. I'm coming over." [Hangs up
before Jim can start screaming again.]
[George gets up, and steps over Barbara's still sleeping form to reach the
closet, where he puts on a sweatsuit with the Presidential seal on the
front, and "read my hips" on the back. He exits.
Cut to the hallway. Millie, the Lame dog, is being hotly pursued by the
first cat, Socks. Socks has a huge chunk of one of Millie's ears hanging out
of her mouth. Both of them crash into Dan Quayle's legs, knock him flat, and
scatter.
George enters the hallway, and climbs down four flights of stairs to the
basement. The level tees off. One branch is marked "Dungeon," and the other
"To Chief of Staff's office." Two differently abled bricklayers are doing an
excellent job building a wall across the front of this hallway.]
GB: "What the heck are you doing?"
BL1: "Boss's orders. He said to close this wing. President Clinton will be
his own chief of staff."
BL2: "See, I made a sign to put on the new wall. It says "Do not open
until the next Republican President."
BL1: "We're putting in a lot of food. He should be fine for years."
GB: "Don't do anything until I get back." [George walks down the hallway. At
the far end is a heavy steel door, with a small speaker mounted on it at
eye level and a button underneath. The outline of the words "Secretary
of State" are clearly visible behind black stick-on letters which read
"Chief of Staff." George pushes the button.]
VOICE: "PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE PRESIDENT. THERE IS NOTHING
WRONG WITH THE ECONOMY. ANNOY THE MEDIA. [the voice trails off,
except for the word "trust" repeating almost inaudibly during the
rest of the exchange which follows.]
GB: "You're going to have to come out of there. Admit it, it's over.
Sometimes the good guys lose."
VOICE: "THIS WILL NOT STAND. AS YOU MAY KNOW, COUPS CAN FAIL. WHO DO YOU
TRUST?" [trust. trust. trust...]
GB: "Oh, this is useless. Maybe that bozo has the right idea. It wasn't like
he was very effective anyway."
VOICE: "THAT KIND OF COMMENT CUTS INTO THE DIGNITY OF THE NATION. I JUST
CAN'T AGREE WITH IT. MAYBE YOU DO, BUT *I* DON'T."
[George leaves, and gives the workmen the nod on his way back].
CMB: "Excuse me please."
[George's mouth drops open as Carol Moseley Braun walks past him towards the
"dungeon" branch, with Clarence Thomas on a choke chain following at her
heels. Clarence looks up for a moment.]
CT: "This is all yo --- Gack!"
CMB: "I didn't give permission for you to speak! You have to pay for that
abortion rights vote you ducked out on the other day, you worm! I've
gotcha jurisprudence right here!" [yanks the chain again]
CT: [unintelligible].
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Coming soon to a net near you - "A Conservative's Last Hurrah." Part III, the
swearing in. If I can think of something, anyway. PV
--
Paul Vader systems analyst, hell's cavenewt, rollerblader,
p...@gagme.chi.il.us FOAF, vindicated liberal democrat