LIMERICKS (LOTS & LOTS)
Barry Beaumont
I know I promised to post this collection of limericks last fall, but low
and behold they were deleted. Heck I could even write a bad limerick
about this...
My limericks can cause you a tumour
But you folks still requested a few more
So while searching my lists
They got zapped from my disks
But now they're on REC.HUMOR
Welcome to The Limericks...
The Limerick portfolio is nothing but a collection of smutty,
filthy, disgusting poetry. The literary content of which can only be
described as downright f**king low! If you are used to listening to crap
and have a fairly open mind then please continue --- BUT!!!
If your hair curls easily and your sense of humour is lacking then
perhaps you had best stop right here and amuse yourself in other
manner. Perhaps Bambi is more your speed!
You can't say you haven't been warned!
#1
There was a young man of Nantucket
Whose prick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it
#2
There was an old fellow of Brest
Who sucked off his wife with a zest
Despite her great howls
He sucked out her bowels
Then spat them all over her chest
#3
There was a young lady of Lee
Who scrambled up into a tree
When she got there
Her asshole was bare
And so was her K. U. N. T.
#4
There was a fat lady of China
Who had an enormous vagina
And when she was dead
They painted it red
And used it for docking a liner
#5
There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, You're a tight one
She replied, 'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole
And there's plenty of room in the right one
#6
There was a young lady of Dee
Who went down to the river to pee
A man in a punt
Put his hand in her cunt
And God how I wish it were me
#7
There were three ladies of Huxham
And when ever we meets 'em we fucks 'em
And when that game grows stale
We sits on a rail
And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em
#8
There was a young lady named Ginge
Who went on a binge with a dinge
Now I won't breathe a word
Of what really occured
But her cunt has a chocolate fringe
#9
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom
#10
There was a young plumber of Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea
She said, Stop your plumbing
For there's somebody coming
Said the plumber, still plumbing, It's me
#11
There was a young girl of Pitlochery
Who was had by a man in a rockery
She said, Oh, You've come
All over my bum
That isn't a fuck, it's a mockery
#12
There's an unbroken babe from Toronto
Who's exceedly hard to get onto
But when you get there
And have parted the hair
You can fuck her as much as you want to
#13
There once was a husky young Viking
Who's sexual prowess was striking
Every time he got hot
He would scour the twat
Of some girl that might be to his liking
#14
There was a young lady named Blunt
Who had a rectangular cunt
She learned for diversion
posterior perversion
Since no one could fit it in her front
#15
There was an old man of Connaught
Whose prick was remarkably short
When he got into bed
The old woman said
That isn't a prick, it's a wart
#16
The was a young girl of Detroit
Who at fucking was very adroit
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin point or finer
or open it out like a quoit
#17
A mathematician named Hall
Had a HexaHedronical Ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his whanger, plus eight
Was four fifths of five eighths of fuck all
#18
There was a young fellow named Kimball
Whose prick was exceedingly nimble
But fragile and slender
And dainty and tender
So he kept it encased in a thimble
#19
There was a young girl of LLewellyn
Whose breasts were as large as a melon
They were big, it was true
But her cunt was big too
Like an aerial view of the Straits of Magellan
#20
There was an old fellow named Skinner
Whose prick, said his wife, had grown thinner
But still, by and large
It would always discharge
The moment he got the thing in her
#21
There was a young lass of Blackheath
Who fucked an old man with her teeth
She complained that he stunk
Not so much from the spunk
But from his asshole, just underneath
#22
The was a young fellow of Buckingham
Who wrote a treatise on cunts and on sucking them
But later his work
Was eclipsed by a Turk
Whose topic was assholes and fucking them
#23
A Roman of old, named Horatio
Was fond of a form of fellatio
He kept accurate track
Of the boys he'd attack
And called it his cock sucking ratio
#24
There was a young fellow named Pell
Who didn't like cunt very well
He would finger and fuck one
But never would suck one
Because he couldn't get used to the smell
#25
There was a young lady called Tucker
And the Parson, he tried hard to fuck her
She said, You gay sinner
Instead of your dinner
At my cunt you shall have a good suck, ah!
#26
There was a young fellow named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said, I admit
I'm a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save
#27
There was a young Jew of Delray
Who buggered his father one day
He said, I like rather
To stuff it up father
He's clean and there's nothing to pay
#28
A mortician who practiced in Fyfe
Made love to the corpse of his wife
'How could I know, Judge?
She was cold and did not budge
Just the same as she acted in life'
#29
There was a young man from Nantucket
Who had such a big cock, he could suck it
When he looked in a glass
And saw his own ass
He nearly broke his neck trying to fuck it
#30
There were three young men in Peru
A German, a Bugger, a Jew
The German he buggered
The Bugger, the bugger
The Bugger, he buggered the Jew
#31
'Indeed' quoth the king of Siam
For cunts I just don't give a damn
They haven't the grip
Nor the Velvety tip
Nor the scope of the asshole of man
#32
Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes
Afflicted with psychotic warps
His idea of fun
Is to bugger a nun
And then vomit all over a corpse
#33
There was a young bishop of Buckingham
Who was blamed by the girls for not fucking them
He said, Though my cock
Is as hard as a rock
Your cunts are too slack, put a tuck in them
#34
There was a young monk from Dundee
Who hung a nun's cunt from a tree
He grabbed her fair ass
And performed a high mass
That even the Pope came too see
#35
There was an archbishop in France
Who saw a nude woman by chance
The result, I affirm
Was emission of sperm
In the Archiepiscopal pants
#36
A Sunday school student in Mass
Soon rose to the head of the class
By reciting quite bright
And by sleeping at night
With his tongue up the minister's ass
#37
There was a young man of St Giles
Who walked thousands and thousands of miles
From the Cape of Good Hope
Just to bugger the Pope
But he couldn't-The Pontiff had piles
#38
There was an old abbess quite shocked
To find nuns where the candles were locked
Said the Abbess, You nuns
Should behave more like guns
And never go off until you're cocked
#39
There was a young monk from Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done
And now she's a mother superior
#40
A bishop whose see was Vermont
Used to jerk himself off in the font
The Baptistry stank
With an odour most rank
And no one would dare sit up front
#41
There was a young virgin named Alice
Who thought of her cunt as a chalice
One night sleeping nude
She awoke feeling lewd
And found in her chalice a phallus
#42
There once was a tart named Belinda
Whose cunt opened up like a window
But she'd slam the thing shut,
That contemptable slut,
Whenever you tried to get in there
43
There was a young virgin of Dover
Who was raped in the woods by a drover
When the going got hard
He greased her with lard
Which felt nice so they started all over
#44
There was a young girl of Dalkeith
With a hymen in need of relief
So she went to the doctor
Who prodded and shocked her
And stretched it with fingers and teeth
#45
The first love of a lady named Ederle
Found her hymen obstructed him steadily
But he merely rubbed lard on
The end of his hard-on
And then found it entered quite readily
#46
There was a young man of Peru
Who dreamt he was had by a Jew
He woke up at night
In one hell of a fright
And found it was perfectly true
#47
There was a young fellow named Clyde
Who fell in a sewer and died
His brother Hugh
He fell in too
And now they're interred side by side
#48
An ignorant virgin of Dee
Entertained a man's cock just to see
If the darn thing would fit
It went off in her pit
And she cried, 'Hey, That's no place to pee
#49
There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who claimed that her hymen was broken
From riding a bike
On a cobblestone pike
But it really was broken from pokin'
#50
There was a young girl from New York
Who was deathly afraid of the stork
You will find she is taped
To prevent being raped
And her asshole is plugged with a cork
#51
There was a young fellow named Oudh
Whose mind was exceedingly lewd
He asserted, All women
Seen dancing or swimmin'
Would rather be home getting screwed
#52
There was a young girl from Elmire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire
She said, It's a sin
But now that it's in
Could you shove it a few inches higher
#53
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen
Whose people all thought her a virgin
'Til they found her in bed
With her cunt very red
And the head of a kid just emerging
#54
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meany
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
And she could only be screwed by Houdini
#55
There was a young girl named Venus
Who had never encountered a penis
When Van Stone threw his in
It went up to her chin
But the bore, not the stroke, was the meanest
#56
There was a Mr. Eton, B.A.
Who pondered the problem all day
Of what there would be
If C-U-N-T
Were Divided by C-O-C-K...
A young PH.D passing by
She gave him the problem to try
He worked the division
With Perfect precision
And the answer is B-A-B-Y
#57
There was a young girl of Bombay
Who was put in the family way
By the mate of a lugger
An ignorant bugger
Who always spelled cunt with a K
#58
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his rubber was torn
#59
There was a young girl from the five and ten
Who diddled her self with a fountain pen
The top came off
The ink went wild
And now she's the mother of a coloured child
#60
There was a young girl of Madrid
Who thought she'd be having a kid
So by holding her water
Three months and a quarter
She drowned the poor bastard, she did
#61
There was a young girl from New York
Who expected a call from the stork
So with infinite caution
She performed an abortion
With an icepick, a spoon and a fork
#62
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who was born at least three months too soon
He hadn't the luck
To be born of a fuck
But was shovelled in cold on a spoon
#63
There was a young lady named Sharkey
Who had an affair with a darkey
The result of her sins
was quadruplets, not twins
One white, one black, and two Khaki
#64
A fearless young Spermatazoa
remarked to an Ovum, Helloa
We'd make a cute foetus
But I fear she'd mistreat us
By the smell of this place, she's a whoah
#65
There was a young man of Australia
Who painted his ass like a Dahlia
His drawing was fine
The colour divine
But the smell, Christ that was a failure
#66
There was a young queen of Baroda
Who build a new kind of pagoda
The walls of its halls
Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools that had rode her
#67
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
h
i
s
#68
There once was an actress of Bonely
And the men never let her get lonely
So she hung out in front
Of her popular cunt
A sign saying, Standing room only
#69
On a bridge sat the bishop of Buckingham
Thinking of twats and of sucking them
And watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking them
#70
There was a young lady from China
Who mistook her mouth for a vagina
Her Clitoris huge
She covered with rouge
And lipsticked her libia minor
#71
There was a young man from the coast
Who received a parcel by post
It contained, so I heard
A triangular turd
And the ball of his grandfather's ghost
#72
There was an old fellow named Fletcher
A lewd and perverted old lecher
In a spirit of meanness
He cut off his penis
And now he regrets it, I betcha
#73
There was a young lady whose joys
Were achieved with incomparable poise
She could have an orgasm
Without even spasm
And fart without making a noise
#74
There was a young girl named Louise
Whose pubes hung down to her knees
The crabs in her twat
Tied the hair in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeze
#75
While Titian was mixing rose-madder
His model posed nude on a ladder
Her position, to Titian
Suggested coition
So he climbed up the ladder and had 'er
#76
A bus-man named Abner McFuss
Like to suck off small boys on his bus
Then go out and sniff turds
And the assholes of birds
He sure was a funny old cuss
#77
There was a young man named Morell
Who played with his prick 'til he fell
When he got up, he started
He suddenly farted
And fell down again from the smell
#78
There was a young man named Moritz
Who was subject to passionate fits
But his pleasure in life
Was to suck off his wife
As he swung by his knees by her tits
#79
There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits could be juggled like jelly
They could tickle her twat
Be tied in a knot
And she could even swat flies on her belly
#80
A hermit who had an oasis
Thought it was best of all places
He could pray and be calm
Beneath a pleasant date palm
While the lice on his bollocks ran races
#81
There was a young girl of Peru
Who had nothing whatever to do
So she sat on the stairs
And counted cunt hairs
Four thousand, three hundred and two
#82
There was a young man of Pitlochry
Whose morals were simply a mockery
For under the bed
He'd a woman, instead
Of the usual item of crockery
#83
A detective named Ellery Queen
Has olfactory powers so keen
He can tell in a flash
By the scent of a gash
Who its previous tenant has been
#84
There was a young angel named Rayloe
Who had by his ass worn his halo
When asked its intent
he replied, as he bent
It sanctifies those who would play low
#85
There was a young man of St. James
Who indulged in the jolliest games
He'd light up the front
Of his grandmother's cunt
And laughed as she pissed through the flames
#86
There was a young man from Venice
Who played a good game of lawn tennis
But the game he like best
Far more than the rest
Was playing with two balls and a pennis
#87
A lady athletic and handsome
Got wedged in her sleeping room transom
Whe she offered much gold
For release, she was told
That the view was worth more than the ransom
#88
I sat next to the dutchess at tea
It was just as I feared it would be
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenominal
And everyone thought it was me
#89
There was a young girl whose frigidity
approached cataleptic rigidity
Until you gave her a drink
When she quickly would sink
In a state of complacent liquidity
#90
There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whom his neighbours all looked on askance a lot
Whenever he'd pass
A presentable lass
The front of his pants would advance a lot
#91
The dong of a fellow named Grable
Was as pliant and long as a cable
Each night while he ate
This confirmed reprobate
Would screw his wife under the table
#92
The rosy cheeked lass from Dunellen
Whom the Hoboken sailors called Helen
In her efforts to please
Spread social disease
From New York to the Straits of Magellan
#The chief charm of a whore in Shalott
Was the absence of hair on her twat
She kept it smooth looking
Not by shaving or plucking
But by all the fucking she got
#94
There was a young girl of Mauritius
Who declared that last screw was delicious
But the next time you come
Won't you come up my bum
'cause that wart on your cock looks suspicious
#95
There was a young man of Calcutta
Whose balls were turning to butter
In a day of great heat
The folks had a treat
As his testicles flowed down the gutter
#96
A lady on climbing Mount Shasta
Complained as the mountain grew vaster
That it wasn't the climb
Nor the dirt and the grime
But the ice on her ass that harassed her
#97
There was a young fellow named Goff
Whose amusement was jacking it off
He pulled it so hard
It stretched out a yard
And turned to bright blue and fell off
#98
There was a young pair of Aberystwyth
Who united the organs they kissed with
But as they grew older
They also grew bolder
And united the orgams they pissed with
#99
There was a young lady of Diss
Who went to the river to Piss
The men in the punt
Shoved the pole up her cunt
And gave her most exquisite bliss
#100
There was a young fellow named Morgan
Who said to his girl, You're a Gorgon
For Gorgons are known
To turn men into stone
And see what you've done to my organ
#101
There was a young fellow named Thwart
Whose prick although thick was quite short
But to make for this loss
He had balls like a hoss
And never shot less than a quart
#102
There was a young fellow of Strensall
Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil
It went through an actress
Three sheets and a mattress
And shattered the chamber utensil
#103
There was a young lady named Grace
Who would not take a prick in her place
But though she'd not fuck it
She'd kiss it and suck it
And let it go off in her face
#104
There was a young bishop of Birmingham
Who deflowered young girls while confirming them
Mid Liturgical chants
He would take down their pants
And release his episcopal sperm in them
#105
There was a young lady of Bisester
Who was nicer by far than her sister
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle
But this one would come if you kissed her
#106
There was a young man from Calcutta
Who was heard, in his beard, to mutter
If her bartholin glands
Don't respond to my hands
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter
#107
There was a young lady of Gloucester
Whose friends, they thought, had lost her
'Til they found on the grass
The marks of her ass
And the knees of the man who had crossed her
#108
There was a young man from Perdue
Who was only just learning to screw
But he hadn't the knack
And he got too far back
In the right church but the wrong pew
#109
There was a young lady of Rhyll
In an omnibus, was taken quite ill
So she called the conductor
Who got in and fucked her
Which did her more good than a pill
#110
There was a young German named Ringer
Who was screwing an opera singer
Said he with a grin
I've got it right in
Said she, Ain't that your finger
#111
There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
At a quarter to nine
They sat down to dine
At twenty to ten it was in her
#112
There was a young lady of Spain
Who took down her pants on a train
A naughty young porter
Saw more than he orter
And asked if she'd do it again
#113
There once was a dentist named Stone
Who saw all of his patients alone
In a fit of depravity
He filled a wrong cavity
And my how his practice has grown
#114
A sailor who slept in the sun
Woke to find his fly button undone
He remarked with a smile
Jesus Christ, a sundial
And now its a quarter past one
#115
A plumber whose name was Ten Brink
Plumbed a cook as she stood by a sink
Her resistance was stout
And Ten Brink petered out
With his wrench all limber and pink
#116
In the garden of Eden lay Adam
Complacently stroking his madam
And loud was his mirth
For on all of the Earth
There were only two ball and he had 'em
#117
There was a young damsel named Baker
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker
He yelled, My what
Do you call this - a twat
Or a valley the size of an acre
#118
#There was a young man of Bengal
Who swore he had only one ball
But two clever bitches
Unbuttoned his britches
And found he had no balls at all
#119
There was a young fellow named Bowen
Whose penis kept growing and growing
It grew so tremendous
So long and pendulous
It was no good for fucking - just showing
#120
There was a young lady of the Orient
Who had a cunt of enormous extent
And so deep and so wide
With acoustics inside
So good you could hear when you spent
#121
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose cunt was always getting hairier
Until a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier
#122
There was a young man Devises
Whose balls were of different sizes
His tool when at ease
Hung right down to his knees
Oh What must it be when it rises
#123
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her
When they got into bed
He cried, God strike me dead
This ain't a cunt its a corridor
#124
There was once a hooker from Yale
Who had tattooed the prices for tail
And for the sake of the blind
On her behind
She had the prices tattooed in Braille
#125
There was a young man from Hong Kong
Who had a triplicate dong
A small one for sucking
A large one for fucking
And a whopper for beating a gong
#126
There was a young girl named McCall
Whose cunt was exceedingly small
But the size of her anus
Was something quite heinous
It could hold seven pricks and one ball
#127
There was a young man of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass
When jangled together
They played 'Stormy Weather'
And lightening shot out of his ass
#128
The testes are cooler outside
Said the doc to the curious bride
For the semen must not
Get too fucking hot
And the bag fans your bum while you ride
#129
There was a young girl of PawTucket
Whose twat was as big as a bucket
Her boyfriend said, Toots
I'll have to wear boot
For I see I must muck it, not fuck it
#130
There was a young lady named Riddle
Who had an untouchable middle
She had many friends
Because of her ends
Since it isn't the middle you diddle
#131
There was a young lady from Spain
Whose face was exceedingly plain
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fucker
Again and again and again
#132
There was an old man of Tagore
Whose tool was a yard long or more
So he wore the damn thing
In a surgical sling
To keep it from wiping the floor
#133
There was a young hayseed from Tiffen
Whose cock would constantly stiffen
The know out in front
Attracted foul cunt
Which Tiffen delighted in sniffin'
#134
There's a charming young girl in Tobruk
Who refers to her cunt as a nook
It's deep and its wide
You can curl up inside
With a nice easy chair and a book
#135
When he tried to input his huge whanger
A young man aroused his girlfriend's anger
As they strove in the dark
She was heard to remark
What you need is a zeppelin hanger
#136
There was a young laundress named Wrangle
Whose tits tilted up at an angle
They may tickle my chin
She said with a grin
But at least they keep out of the mangle
#137
There was a lady from Arden
Who sucked off a man in a garden
He said, My dear, Flo
Where does all that stuff go
She said (swallowing hard), I beg your pardon?
#138
An explorer whose habits were blunt
Once flavoured some cannibal cunt
The asshole was shitty
And more was the pity
It oozed from the rear to the front
#139
A fellatrix healthful condition
Proved the value of spunk as nutrition
Her remarkable diet
(And I suggest that you try it)
Was only her client's emissions
#140
A girl with a sebaceous cyst
Would come when her asshole was kissed
Her lover whilst gratified
That she was so satisfied
Regretted the fun that he missed
#141
There was an old man of Decater
Who took out his red hot potater
He tried at her dent
But when his thing bent
He got down on his knees and he ate her
#142
The priests at the temple of Isis
Used to offer up amber and spices
Then back of the shrine
They would play sixty-nine
And other unmentionable vices
#143
There was an old maid from Innisbruck
Who took it into her head to fuck
She was about to resign
'Til she hung out a sign
Come in, I've decided to suck
#144
A canny Scotch lass named MacFargle
Without coaxing and such argy-bargle
Would suck a man's pud
Just as hard as she could
And she saved up the sperm for a gargle
#145
Said the preist to Bridget McLennon
Sure a kiss on your twat isn't sinning
And he stuck to his story
Until he tasted the gory
And menstruous state she was in
#146
There was a young fellow named Meek
Who invented the ligual technique
It drove women frantic
And made them romantic
And wore all the hair off his cheek
#147
An old doctor who lacked protoplasm
Tried to give his young wife an orgasm
But his tongue jumped the track
Twixt the front and the back
And got pinched in a bad anal spasm
#148
There was a young man of St. Kitts
Who was very much troubled with fits
After chewing a girl's cunt
He'd give a loud grunt
And try to bite off her tits
#149
A young bride was once heard to say
Oh Dear, I'm wearing away
The insides of my thighs
Look just like mince pies
For my husband won't shave every day
#150
There was a young man of Soho
Whose tastes were exceedingly low
He said to his mother
Let us suck one another
And swallow the seminal flow
#151
A worried young man from Stamboul
Discovered red spots on his tool
Said his doctor (a cynic)
Get out of my clinic
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool
#152
There was a young fellow named Taylor
Who seduced a respectable sailor
When they put him in jail
He worked out the bail
By licking the parts of the jailer
#153
There was a young man of Arras
Who stretched himself out on the grass
And with no little trouble
He bent himself double
And stuck his prick right up his ass
#154
A sultan of old Instanbul
Had a varicose vien in his tool
This evoked joyous grunts
From his harem of cunts
But his boys suffered pain at the stool
#155
There was a young mate of a lugger
Who took out a girl just to hug her
I've my monthlies, she said
And a cold in my head
But my bowels work well...Do you bugger?
#156
There once was guy named Fred
Who took a woman to bed
She got an abortion
They took out a portion
That poor little father named Fred
Well, there you have it. A mass collection of the worst of the worst.
The only limerick I claim as my own is the last one about poor Fred. The
rest are from sourse unknown. I hope you enjoyed this stupid selection of
scummy rhymes.
--
Regards,
Barry Beaumont
ai...@torfree.net
bu...@freenet.carleton.ca