Euphemisms for being stupid
Mr Funny Bone International
A beer short of a six pack
A brick short of a load
A couple of eggs shy of a dozen
A couple of gallons short of a full tank
A few ants short of a picnic
A few beers short of a six-pack
A few bricks short of a pile
A few bricks short of a wall
A few cards short of a deck
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few feathers short of a whole duck
A few fries short of a Happy Meal
A few of sheep short of an orgy
A few peas short of a casserole
A few tomatoes short of a good thick sauce
A few trucks short of a convoy
A fortune cookie short of a Chinese dinner
A pepperoni short of a pizza
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on
A sandwich short of a picnic
A train short of a full service?
About as bright as a burnt out 20 watt light bulb.
About as useful as a chocolate fireguard
Ah say, that boy reminds me of Paul Revere's ride; a little light in the
belfry
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
As much use as a hedgehog in a condom factory
As much use as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.
As much use as a priests knob at an orgy.
As much use as an ashtray on a motorcycle
As much use as Stevie Wonder at a beauty contest.
As quick as a tortoise on Prozac
As smart as bait
As useful as a screen door on a submarine
As useful as a wooden frying pan
As useful as tits on a bull
Body by God, Mind by Mattel.
Bright as Alaska in December
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
Doesn’t have both oars in the water
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice
Donated his body to science before he was done using it
Dumb as a corn cob.
Dumb as a stump.
Dumber than a bag of hammers.
Dumber than a bag of rocks
Elevator don't quiet make the top floor
Fell out of the family tree
Forgot to pay his brain bill
Goes surfing in Nebraska
Golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together
Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching
Gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than a normal ignoramus
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
Has delusions of adequacy.
Has two brains, one's lost and the other is out looking for it
Having an intelligence rivalled only by garden tools.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
He had a little too much chlorine in his gene pool.
He is so dumb, he would look for a wishbone in a soft-boiled egg.
He is so dumb, the only thing he ever read was an eye-chart.
He played too much without a helmet
He rode the short bus to school
He’s got a mind like a steel trap, rusted shut
He's got a leak in his think-tank
He's got a mind like a steel sieve
He's got his feet firmly planted 3 feet above the ground
He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer
He's so dense light bends around him
He's so dumb he couldn't pour the water out of a boot if the instructions
were on the heel
His belt doesn't go through all the loops
His cheese has slipped off his cracker
His porch light ain't on
I say, that boy is about as sharp as a sack of wet mice
If brains were chocolate - he wouldn't have enough to fill an M&M
If brains were dynamite - he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his hat off
If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop
If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate
If he had a brain, he'd be dangerous
If he had another brain, it would be lonely
If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week
If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change back
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change
If you stand close enough to 'em you can hear the ocean
If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean
Isn’t firing on all 6 cylinders
Isn’t firing on all thrusters
Its hard to believe that he beat out half a billion other sperm
Kangaroo loose in the top paddock
Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colourful, but not too sharp
Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine.
Mind is in neutral, body is in gear
Mind like a rubber bear trap.
Needing a few screws tightened
Not firing with all spark plugs
Not the brightest light in the harbour
Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree
Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box.
Not the sharpest pencil in the box
Off his rocker
On/off switch is broken in the off position
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
One neurone short of a synapse
One taco short of a combination plate
One tit short of an udder.
One turbine short of an airplane
One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests
Prime candidate for natural deselection
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse
Requires directions to lay sod
Room temperature IQ
Running about a quart low
Running on empty
Sets the lowest possible goals, and consistently fails to achieve them.
Sharp as a bowling ball.
She is so dumb, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if she
had two guesses.
She is so dumb, when I asked her to pass the plate, she said: "Upper or
lower?"
She's not tied too tight to the pier
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge but he just gargled
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled
Strong like bear, smart like tractor.
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes
The elevator is stuck between floors.
The lights are flashing, the gate is down, but the train isn’t coming
The lights are on, but nobody is home.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
Too dumb to pull his head in before he shuts the window
Too many yards between the goal posts
Two hub caps short of a Buick.
Warning - Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
Was left on the tilt-a-whirl too long as a baby
Would be out of her depth in a mud puddle.
Your the flower of my life (you blooming idiot)
You can't call him an idiot, you'll insult all the idiots in the world.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Mr Funny Bone International <funn...@lineone.net>
<http://website.lineone.net/~mystacy/Jokes/Jokepage.htm>
My ICQ number is 18469611 - Do you ICQ ??
To subscribe to my jokelist and get 5 jokes a day
send a blank e-mail to mr_fbi-s...@listbot.com
To join the tasteless jokes mailing list send a
blank e-mail to tasteless...@listbot.com
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Saladhead
as quick as a sloth / tree / stationary bicycle...
as keen as a vegetable...
more vegetable than protein...
as aware as a bear in winter...
he had all his bricks, just forgot to pull the permit...
more confused than traffic in hong kong...
his train's missing an engineer...
his car has left the highway...
He'd forget to drown.
driving without keys...
All his brain's marked "farm-fresh".
As brilliant as dark.
My mother's favorite is to say "Now THAT's Three-O." -
What she means is,"Now THAT's StOOOpid!"
SaladHead
http://www.saladhead.com/stpdhd/
StupidHead Pages
Stan <stan.t...@usa.net> wrote in message
news:u8whQuem#GA.249@cpmsnbbsa02...
>
>> As quick as a tortoise on Prozac
>
>
>As fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
>
>
Karl Brown
International <funn...@lineone.net> writes
>Euphemisms for being stupid
How about: One vote short of an overall majority.
(Very Topical!)
-- Karlos --
"Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground.... ..and missing!"
- (Douglas Adams)
Feldco
>Euphemisms for being stupid
>
> A beer short of a six pack
> A brick short of a load
<snipped>
Here are the rest of the fulldeckisms:
"Body by Fisher -- brains by Mattel."
$HOME = /dev/null.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A 1.0 in a 4.5 installation.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A barnacle on the ship of progress.
A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
A butter knife in a steak / prime rib world.
A candidate for optorectomy. (Disconnection of optic nerve from
rectum, to repair a crappy outlook on life.)
A couple of blocks behind the parade.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A dim bulb in the marquee of life.
A face designed in a wind tunnel.
A flash of light, a cloud of dust, and... What was the question?
A great deal of pride, but very little to be proud of.
A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
A hemorrhoid on the face of the world.
A hop, skip, and jump from success, but to get there he'd have to
give up chewing gum.
A kangaroo loose in her top paddock.
A lap behind the field.
A legend in his own mind.
A logically defunct twit.
A looney tune.
A lot of feathers but not much chicken. -- Kim Mitchell
A medical mystery.
A mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost. -- Tom Waits
A mind as empty as the sleeping pill concession at a honeymoon hotel.
A mind like wet tennis shoes... Makes squishy noises when running.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
A notch off the timing mark.
A one-bit brain with a parity error.
A pacifist out of necessity / always loses in a battle of wits.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A penalty kick over the bar. (in soccer)
A peripheral visionary.
A photographic memory, but no film / the lens cover is glued on.
A poor excuse for protoplasm.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
A quart low.
A real rocket scientologist.
A real space cadet.
A return with no gosub.
A room temperature IQ -- centigrade.
A semitone flat on the high notes.
A single-cylinder brain in a V8 world.
A socketless drone in a plug-and-play world.
A square with only three sides.
A standard deviant.
A statue in a world of pigeons.
A teapot with a cracked lid.
A titanic intellect... In a world full of icebergs.
A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
A violin minus the bow.
A walking argument for birth control / post-natal abortion.
A waste of skin.
A wind-up clock without a key.
About half smart.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
Airhead / bubble-brain.
Aliens zapped him with a stupidity ray -- twice.
Alive today only because it's illegal to kill him.
All booster, no payload.
All cassette, no tape.
All crown, no filling.
All fetch and no execute.
All foam, no beer.
All foliage, no fruit.
All hammer, no nail.
All hat and no cattle.
All hawk and no spit. -- Molly Ivins talking about Ross Perot
All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
All icing, no cake.
All lime and salt, no tequila.
All missile, no warhead.
All of his bytes are odd.
All Preparation, no H.
All shot, no powder.
All signs and no scenery. -- John Taylor
All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
All the notes, none of the music.
All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty /
caulking / saran wrap / a bowl of oatmeal / a plastic spoon.
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
All thrust, no vector.
All wax and no wick.
Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts / canonical lists.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always late... Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Always needs to have jokes explained.
Always responds to "Make Money Fast" postings on the Net.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
Always speaks her mind, so usually she's speechless.
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An alligator. (All mouth, no ears.)
An Apple //e on UUCP.
An early example of the Peter Principle.
An ego like a black hole.
An example of how the dinosaurs survived for millions of years
with walnut-sized brains.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
An inch short and a stroke early.
An innundated receptacle of primordial ooze.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
Ano-fossal ambiguity. (Can't tell his ass from a hole in the ground.)
Another engineering prototype that should not have been shipped.
Answers the door when the phone rings.
Any similarity between him and a human being is purely coincidental.
Any slower and he'd be in reverse. -- Gignac
Any smarter and he'd be retarded.
Argues with herself -- and loses!
As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
As bent as a corkscrew.
As bright as a nightlight / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
As dumb as an ox.
As focused as a fart.
As happy as if he had brains / was in his right mind.
As happy as the village idiot.
As popular as a French kiss at a family reunion.
as popular as a pork pie at a Jewish wedding.
As quick as a corpse.
As rare as a nine bob note. (Very English.)
As sharp as a bag of wet mice. -- Foghorn Leghorn
As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beachball / pin head /
wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich,
and twice as smart.
As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
As smart as bait / an automatic email responder script.
As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
As strong as an ox and as dumb as two.
As thick as champ. (Irish; champ is mostly mashed spuds and cabbage.)
As thick as two short planks / two half bricks.
As useful as a back pocket in a vest. (Very English.)
As useful as a brick lifevest.
As useful as a cheese sandwich to a drowning ferret.
As useful as a chocolate teapot / fireguard.
As useful as a football bat.
As useful as a fur-lined walking stick.
As useful as a glass hammer.
As useful as a hip pocket on a T-shirt.
As useful as a kickstand on a horse.
As useful as a lead parachute.
As useful as a mint-flavored suppository.
As useful as a spit valve on a guitar.
As useful as a top hat with pockets.
As useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
As useful as an inflatable cheeseknife.
As useful as bolognese sauce on shoe laces.
As useful as bookends down a well.
As useful as green stop lights.
As useful as reverse gear on a lawn mower.
As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Baler done run out of twine.
Bandwidth limited.
Barney's his hero.
Bats have flown the belfry, and now he's all alone.
Bats in the belfry.
Batteries not included.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been one too many times through the wormhole.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using her head as a mass driver.
Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches
with his head.
Blown/leaking head gasket.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born during low tide in / swimming in the shallow end of
the gene pool.
Born too late -- he'd have been a great Neanderthal.
Born ugly and built to last.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Brain as busy as a hog farmer in Israel/Iran/...
Brain is running on empty.
Brain like a hard drive with no read/write head.
Brain permanently in power saving / 8-bit mode.
Brain transplant donor.
Bright as a Zippo lighter without a flint.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Bright as an acetylene torch -- without an oxygen supply.
Brings a knife to a gunfight. -- Sean Connery, The Untouchables
Brings binoculars to submarine races.
Broadcasts static.
Bubbles/leaks in her think tank.
Buddy breathing with himself. (SCUBA term.)
Built a special showcase for his herd of pet rocks.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Busier than a one-legged cat trying to cover its excreta
on a frozen pond.
Busy as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Cackles a lot, but I ain't seen no eggs yet.
Calling her stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
Calling him a pea brain would be an undeserved compliment.
Calls people to ask them their phone number.
Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
Can discern facts and form predictions with the acumen of an economist.
Can easily be confused with facts.
Can only remember her old passwords.
Can only shoot pool with a left-handed cue stick.
Can't count his balls and get the same answer twice.
Can't dial 911 because she can't find "11" on the phone.
Can't distinguish jacking off and stropping a razor.
Can't find his ass with two hands and a periscope/compass/map/
flashlight/bloodhound/GPS receiver (in a locked closet).
Can't find his couch in the living room.
Can't find log base two of 65536 without a calculator.
Can't hold water in a bucket. (Can't keep a secret.)
Can't program his way out of a for-loop.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Carrier wave unmodulated.
Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
Cart can't hold all the groceries.
Cauliflower for brains.
Cerebrum vaccuoso. (Empty head.)
Changes hands and picks up a stroke.
Charming as a carbuncle.
Cheats when filling out opinion polls.
Cheezwiz for brains.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Closer to the edge than a bicycle on the autobahn.
Cold / flat / dry as a witch's tit.
Colder than a well-digger's ass in the Klondike.
Collects cards for Craig.
Communications with him is limited to ping.
Confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Confused as a lesbian in a fishmongers.
Conserves toilet paper by using both sides.
Consumes hard drugs as vitamins.
Contributes to collections like this one without searching first
to see if their little gem is already listed.
Contributes to the population problem.
Could only be loved/missed if the minister read someone else's eulogy.
Could qualify as a houseplant if he learned to photosynthesize.
Couldn't balance a checkbook if Einstein helped.
Couldn't be shown that his ass was on fire with a flashlight and
a three-way mirror.
Couldn't count to 21 if he were barefoot and without pants.
Couldn't engineer his way out of a wet paper bag.
Couldn't figure it out if God gave him the instruction manual.
Couldn't find his way through a maze even if the rats helped him.
Couldn't find oil with a dipstick.
Couldn't find two Saint Bernards if they were in the same
telephone booth with him.
Couldn't get a clue during clue mating season in a field full of
horny clues if he smeared his body with clue musk and
did the clue mating dance.
Couldn't get laid if he crawled up a chicken's rear end and
waited his turn.
Couldn't hit sand if he fell off a camel.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside.
Couldn't hit water if he fell out of a boat.
Couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. (Common in Australia.)
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
Couldn't run out of sight on a dark night / in a week.
Couldn't scratch his ass with a hand full of fish hooks.
Couldn't tell which way the elevator was going if he had two guesses.
Couldn't think/pee/fight his way out of a paper bag.
Couldn't write dialog for a porno flick.
CPU doesn't pick up on all clock cycles.
CPU is always in powersave mode.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Cranial cavity filled with neutronic matter. (Really dense.)
Cranio-rectally inverted.
Creates his swap file in a RAM disk.
Cunning as a dodo bird.
Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Dealing with him is less fun than going to the dentist.
Dealing with him is one angst worse than a blind date.
Deep as her dimples / reflection in a mirror.
Defective hard drive / boot sector.
Dense as a London fog.
Depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Differently clued. -- Dave Clark
Dock doesn't quite reach the water.
Does aerobics... in his head.
Does everything the hard way, like making love standing up
in a hammock.
Does the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe. (Three Stooges)
Doesn't adjust for leap years.
Doesn't consider his drive a slice unless it lands two fairways over.
Doesn't have a fart's prayer in a hurricane.
Doesn't have a round in every chamber.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash / cups in the cupboard /
groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice / pens in her plotter.
Doesn't have both oars in the water -- can't even find the damn boat.
Doesn't have elastic in both of his socks.
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.
Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.
Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.
Doesn't just know nothing; doesn't even suspect much.
Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing
Doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his balls.
Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.
Doesn't need to worry about excess knowledge.
Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.
Doesn't suffer from stress, she's a carrier.
Don't blame him, he's from Uranus.
Donated her body to science fiction.
Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.
Downhill skiing in Iowa.
Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.
Driving at night with the lights off.
Driving down the road of life with his sun shield in place.
Driving with his tailgate down (and stuff is falling out).
Driving with two wheels in the sand / not all wheels on the pavement.
Dropped his second stage too soon.
Dropped on his head as a child.
Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.
Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Ears are redirected to /dev/null.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
Echoes between the ears.
Eight pawns short of a gambit.
Electroencephalographically challenged.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse /
mezzanine.
Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.
Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.
Elevator to the brain suite is out of order.
Emails a one-line contribution to this list with a full copy of
the list attached.
End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
Enjoys listening to telemarketers.
Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.
Even a two button mouse gives him too many options.
Even in victory, he's a loser.
Evidence for the theory of a missing link.
Evolved from a toxic waste dump.
Failed the Turing test.
Fell out of the family tree.
Fifty-one cards short of a full deck.
Fighting the war with a starter pistol / water pistol /
pop gun / cap gun.
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
Finds canonical humor collections amusing.
Finds Sesame Street / knock-knock jokes challenging.
Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
Fired her retro-rockets a little late.
Flaky.
Flying on a cold shot. (Inadequate force from a steam catapult
launch on an aircraft carrier.)
Flying/landing on one engine.
Focused like a 12 gauge shotgun.
Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
For those who never forget a face, his is an exception.
Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
Four bits short of a full DEC.
Four bows short of a string quartet.
Four cents short of a nickel.
Full of wisdumb.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)
**No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously**
Zevra
They are coming to take me away, ha HA!
Feldco
>Euphemisms for being stupid
>
> A beer short of a six pack
> A brick short of a load
<snipped>
Here is part two of the fulldeckisms:
Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
Gates/barriers are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gears grind/don't always mesh.
Gets a charge out of pissing on electric fences.
Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
Gets his orders from another planet.
Gets hypnotized on the de-spun section.
Gets lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.
Gets parity errors under load.
Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.
Goalie for the dart team.
God might still use him for miracle practice.
God's favorite target for lightning strikes.
Goes with the flow... He's a bed wetter.
Good at quantum tunneling but not much else.
Got a life, but wasn't sure what to do with it.
Got help, but it didn't help. -- Bob Thaves
Got his brains as a stocking stuffer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
Got up on the wrong side of bed again this morning -- like always.
Guillotining him would make only an aesthetic difference.
Gyros are loose.
Habits explainable if he was raised by wolves.
Had a head crash / her server's crashed.
Half a bubble off plumb. -- attributed to Mark Twain
Happiness is seeing her picture on a milk carton.
Hard to distinguish from the tail end of a horse.
Hard to tell if he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is
missing from his deck altogether.
Has 100-meter talent, but is half a mile into the marathon of life.
Has a bird's-eye view, and a brain to match.
Has a bus fault problem.
Has a divide-by-zero look on his face.
Has a face only a mother could love -- but she hates it too.
Has a few wait states.
Has a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
Has a leak in his ceiling.
Has a mind like a mousetrap, but should let some of those poor mice go.
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
Has a pulse, but that's about all.
Has a random memory fault.
Has a slow clock.
Has a sparse matrix. (Beware, "matrix" comes from the Latin "womb".)
Has a two-bit operating system.
Has all her bricks, but no cement holding them together.
Has all the brains God gave a duck's ass.
Has an hourglass figure, but most of the sand is on the
p.m. side. -- Thaves
Has an inferiority complex, but not a very good one.
Has an IQ one lower than it takes to grunt.
Has been seen tossing bread crumbs to helicopters.
Has change for a seven dollar bill.
Has delusions of adequacy.
Has FINO (first in never out) memory.
Has her headquarters where her hindquarters should be.
Has his brain on cruise control again.
Has his solar panels aimed at the moon.
Has it floored in neutral.
Has lots of books, but all he does is lick the ink off the pages.
Has no discretionary intellect.
Has no upper stage.
Has nothing to say, but delights in saying it.
Has only one chopstick in the chowmein.
Has over 1000 funny insults saved in a file, but can't
remember any of them.
Has resonance where others have brains.
Has signs on both ears saying "Space for Rent".
Has so few thoughts that when he free associates, it's like
watching tennis.
Has the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
Has the brains of a house plant / turnip (cooked).
Has the Grand Canyon under the crew cut.
Has the IQ of a salad bar / an ice cube / three below houseplant.
Has the keen awareness of an ostrich in hiding.
Has the mental agility of a soap dish. -- National Lampoon
Has the personality of a snail on Valium.
Has the same talent as Dr. Doolittle.
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
Hasn't caught on that X and Y are relative values.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
Hasn't got the brains God gave a cat.
Hasn't got the brains of a retarded anvil/oyster.
Hasn't lost his mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited / dancing.
He came, he saw, he clutched.
HE CAN ONLY TYPE IN UPPER CASE.
He can push but he can't pop.
He demonstrates that beauty times brains is a constant.
He donated his brain to science but they made an early withdrawal.
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
He has a bad brains-to-balls ratio.
He has a good point... Six inches above his eyes.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
He has two left feet.
He hasn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde
He is a man of few words and he does not know what either
of them mean. -- Prachett
He is a mouth-breather.
He knows computers... He's not fit for contact with humans.
He went off to cry to mommie/auntie.
He writes blank checks on a closed account.
He'd screw up a two-car funeral procession.
He'll eventually qualify as a Darwin Award winner.
He's a General Protection Fault trigger.
He's a man on a mission, but can't find his dossier.
He's as soppy as a sack. (British)
He's been invited to every party in town... Once.
He's completely West Ham. (Two stops short of Barking on the
London Underground.)
He's diagnosable.
He's in a federal witless protection program.
He's not a complete idiot -- some parts are missing.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.
He's really into himself... His head is up his ass.
He's so dense, light bends around him.
He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head.
Hears everything that a dog can.
Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards.
Her access time approaches infinity.
Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas.
Her ass is sucking swamp gas.
Her blender doesn't go past "mix".
Her body is rejecting her.
Her brain cells are as hard to isolate as <your favorite
politician's> concern for his/her electorate.
Her brain comes with single-bit error detection and half-assed
error correction.
Her brain has a corrupted filesystem / someone needs to run
fsck on her brain.
Her brain is as useless as a mule's gonads.
Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer.
Her cache is incoherent.
Her career is just taking off -- she's never at work.
Her closet is full of hangars, but no clothing.
Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes.
Her dialing thumb must be broken.
Her display is always flashing 12:00.
Her driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass.
Her face is a threat to clocks everywhere.
Her files are compressed 100%.
Her finals are burned out.
Her friends took her aside, and left her there. -- Ron Richards
Her gene pool could use a little chlorine / a good filter.
Her head doesn't cast a shadow.
Her head needs a periodic whack on the side.
Her input pipe is broken.
Her interrupt handler hit a loop.
Her IQ is the reason they had to invent negative/imaginary numbers.
Her kid is an honor student, but she's still an idiot.
Her leads need resoldering.
Her learning curve is fractal.
Her lint trap is full.
Her lists are unlinked.
Her memory is truly random-access.
Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot.
Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes.
Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply.
Her mind might have spontaneously combusted.
Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod.
Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier.
Her objects are not fully oriented.
Her only hope for brainpower is vacuum point energy.
Her personal problems can only be solved using high explosives.
Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk.
Her pool balls don't fit into the rack.
Her positronic matrix won't reboot.
Her purpose in life is to balance out the bell curve.
Her random access is the same as her sequential access.
Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now.
Her ski lift doesn't go to the top of the hill.
Her stack has been corrupted.
Her synapses are about |that| far apart.
Her system file has zero bytes.
Her tires are a little low.
Her wheels are turning but she's upside down. -- U2
Her wipers don't touch the glass.
Her word length is zero bits.
Hid behind the door when they passed out brains.
High relative humidity... He's lost in a fog.
His access light's on, but the drive isn't spinning / is
still spinning up.
His accumulator overflows at zero.
His actual mileage varies.
His antenna/radio doesn't pick up all the channels/stations.
His boot block is in a bad sector.
His boot ROM has a bad checksum.
His brackets are mismatched.
His brain could be the perfect dielectric.
His brain is sueing for neglect.
His brain was sold separately and they were out of stock.
His brain would rattle around in a gnat's navel.
His bread ain't done.
His buffer is full.
His clutch is slipping.
His data bus stops for red lights.
His deck has no face cards.
His elevator is stuck between floors.
His face is on a coin... On the edge.
His family tree is a telephone pole.
His family wasn't dysfunctional until he arrived.
His freelist is empty.
His future is behind schedule. -- Bob Thaves
His gene line isn't just dead, it's extinct.
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons. -- Robin Williams
His grades were so bad, after school he couldn't even get
into prison. -- Shannon Sharpe
His grey matter is brown / doesn't matter.
His head whistles in a cross wind.
His home page is out of order.
His home planet is flat.
His IQ test results were negative / IQ is a false positive.
His jack can't get the car off the ground.
His military nomenclature is ID-10-T (idiot).
His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency.
His mind is great at error magnification.
His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes.
His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime. -- Allision
His mind is write-protected/write-only.
His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit.
His mind wandered and never came back.
His motto is: Space, the final frontier.
His mouth rarely makes calls to his brain.
His only hope for sexual variety is vegetables / to change hands.
His outgoing message starts with, "Hello, Mr. Answering Machine."
His page was intentionally left blank.
His picture is in the dictionary under "zero".
His pointers are null/uninitialized.
His puzzle is missing a few pieces.
His reaction time is longer than his attention span. -- Thaves
His root file system isn't mounted.
His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position.
His shared libraries aren't installed.
His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon.
His signature is long, boring, and stupid, but it's the best
part of his postings.
His spark can't jump the gap.
His spirit guide is a three-toed sloth.
His stack's not very deep / he has an eight-byte stack.
His strings aren't null-terminated.
His strip is demagnetized.
His system administrator is never in.
His train tracks aren't quite parallel.
His URL denies outside access.
His watch dog is sleeping.
His Wheaties have been in the milk too long.
His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts.
His wits have left the rails and are careening about the countryside.
His X, Y, and Z axes don't meet at the origin.
Hitler's evil twin.
Holds a grudge until it dies of old age, then has it stuffed and
mounted. -- David Weber
Hyperspatially interconnected / permanently disconnected neural net.
Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken.
I would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he
thinks he's worth.
I've worn dresses with higher IQs than his.
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
If brains were chocolate, he wouldn't have enough for an M&M.
If brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her
nose / her hat off / the wax out of her ears.
If brains were farts, he couldn't stink up the inside of a matchbox.
If brains were gasoline, he couldn't ride a moped around a fruit loop.
If brains were grains of sand, he couldn't fill a dixie cup.
If brains were lard, he'd be hard pressed to grease a small pan.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If brains were water, hers wouldn't be enough to baptize a flea.
If dumb were dirt, he'd be an acre.
If fashion law is ever enforced, he'll be found guilty without
hope of parole.
If God tried to help him, we'd have an eight day week.
If he didn't exist, he wouldn't be worth inventing.
If he donated his brain to science it'd set civilization back 50 years.
If he gets any denser, the geocentric theory of the universe
will come true.
If he had a lobotomy he'd depressurize.
If he had another brain (cell), it would be lonely.
If he had brains, he'd take them out and play with them.
If he had console lights, we would see only the idle loop patterns.
If he had half a brain, his ass would be lopsided.
If he were an Indian, Custer would be alive today / would have
died of old age.
If he were any brighter he'd be in the visible spectrum.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If her brains were put in a hummingbird, it would fly backwards.
If his brain were a hard drive, it would back up on a single floppy.
If his brains were money, he'd still be in debt.
If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
If ignorance were bliss, she'd be orgasmic.
If it's not in his horoscope/tea leaves, he doesn't take it seriously.
If men were dominoes, he would be the double-blank. -- P.G. Wodehouse
If not for his scrotum, he would lose his balls.
If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn't blow the cobwebs
off his balls.
If she had a disk we could upgrade her with DOS 3.0.
If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant.
If stupidity hurt, he'd go through life on a morphine drip.
If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list.
If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked.
If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now.
If they each had half a brain, they'd still only have half a brain.
If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If wit were shit, he'd be constipated.
If you called him a wit, you'd be half right.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Ignorant, and proud of it.
Immune from any serious head injury.
Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants.
In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size.
In his optimum environment, he'd be locked in a life and death
struggle with mushrooms.
In line for brains, thought they said pains, and said, "No, thanks".
In line for brains, thought they said trains, and asked for one
with lots of steam / said his dad just bought him one.
In line for brains, thought they said were handing out milkshakes,
and he asked for "extra thick."
In need of a ROM upgrade.
In serious need of attitude adjustment.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little farther
apart than most.
In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy store.
In touch with her higher power, but out of touch with the rest of us.
Includes a "thank you" note with her tax returns.
Infinite space between her ears.
Informationally deprived.
Inhabits her own private timezone.
Inspected by #13.
Inspired the slogan, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
Intellectually/synaptically challenged.
Intelligence somewhere between a pet rock and egg white.
Invented a pencil with an eraser on each end.
Invented a submarine with a screen door.
IQ = dx / (1 + dx), where x = age.
IQ lower than a snake's belly in a wagon-rut.
It's hard to believe he beat 100,000 other sperm.
Just another flash in the bedpan.
Just asleep, but others worry that he's dead.
Keeps his imagination on a long leash.
Kept an open mind -- and his brains fell out.
Keywords: generalizations clue get
Knitting with only one needle.
Knows his sports, but his understanding is limited to violence.
Landed with his gear/brain up and locked.
Leaky sunroof.
Left hand threaded.
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Left the store without all of his groceries.
Leveled off before reaching altitude.
Life by Norman Rockwell, but screenplay by Stephen King.
Lightbulb over his head is burned out.
Lights / porch lights are on but nobody's home.
Lights not burning too bright.
Like a barometer -- vacuum at the top.
Like a loose-leaf folder in winter.
Like a one-armed man climbing a rope.
Likes dunking for french fries.
Likes to execute his data.
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend /
jumped the track.
Lives in La-la-land.
Lives in the same world, but a different universe.
Lives just up the street from the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
Living proof of Einstein's theory that there is no limit to
human stupidity.
Living proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Living proof that God did die back in the 60s.
Living proof that God has a sense of humor.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Living proof that there's ALWAYS someone worse off than you.
Long on drywall, short on studs.
Looking for a nickel in the corner of a circular room.
Looks for the "Any" key.
Looks just like Bill Gates.
Loose chip on the microprocessor board.
Loose wire to his headset/ringer.
Lost his marbles.
Lots of silverware on his table, but no plates.
Loves a good insult, but can never remember any.
Low on thinking gas.
Low-bandwidth as an information source.
Luckily these types kill themselves before reproducing... Think
of it as evolution in action. -- Larry Niven
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Screw this it would take to long to post them all. It seemed like a good idea
at the beginning. If someone realy needs the rest just ask or wait till they
get reposted.
Zevra
stealth
R. Price
Maybe you should add:
One joke short of having anything funny....
Joan B. Morris
stealth <ssc...@sprintmail.com> wrote in message
news:7h9mg2$18e$1...@fir.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
> how about a safe distance from genius?
>
> >
> >
> ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
R. Price
Keith Ehrle wrote:
>
> On Tue, 11 May 1999 12:44:04 -0500, the voices told "R. Price"
> <rpr...@ix.netcom.com> to say:
>
> >
> >Maybe you should add:
> > One joke short of having anything funny....
>
> Humor me... tell me why you quoted the whole thing.
>
Because I can! No, wait...that's why I lick myself....
Actually, it was an unintentional mistake. Sorry for any
inconvenience.
Mike Oxbent
Simon Green
Mike Oxbent wrote in message <7hdq7t$m7s$1...@fir.prod.itd.earthlink.net>...
Donal P O'Brien
Or: The lights are on, but no-one's home.
Joan B. Morris (joanm...@earthlink.net) wrote:
: Not the sharpest tack in the box.
: stealth <ssc...@sprintmail.com> wrote in message
: news:7h9mg2$18e$1...@fir.prod.itd.earthlink.net...
: > how about a safe distance from genius?
: >
: > >
: > >
: > ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
: > >Mr Funny Bone International <funn...@lineone.net>
: > ><http://website.lineone.net/~mystacy/Jokes/Jokepage.htm>
: > >My ICQ number is 18469611 - Do you ICQ ??
: > >To subscribe to my jokelist and get 5 jokes a day
: > >send a blank e-mail to mr_fbi-s...@listbot.com
: > >To join the tasteless jokes mailing list send a
: > >blank e-mail to tasteless...@listbot.com
: > ><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
: > >
: > >
: >
: >
: >
--
*** Donal P O'Brien ***
2ND Year Mechanical Engineer
Public Relations Officer UL Mountain Bike Club and self-confessed car nut.
*** 973...@student.ul.ie *** dob...@csn.ul.ie ***
Vice Admiral Acker
.--------> "Stan" <stan.t...@usa.net> once proclaimed:
|
|> As quick as a tortoise on Prozac
|
|
|As fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
|
|
--
.-.-||-----||-.-.----------------------.-.---------------------------.-.
|K| || .-. || |T| "FOR THE GREATER |E| Vice Admiral Acker |S|
|I| ||=|@|=|| |H| GLORY OF THE EMPIRE, |B| Kam...@rotfl.com |C|
|L| ||='-'=|| |E| DESTROY EVERYTHING!" |E|http://www.spunge.org/~vaa |U|
|L| || || |R| ~Briefing Officer |L| 15310412 -ICQ |M|
'-'-||-----||-'-'----------------------'-'-. rellik 608 -AIM .-----'-'
'-------------------' 5E9L!
Genie
horney clues, he still wouldn't get a clue.
Vice Admiral Acker <Kam...@rotfl.com> wrote in message
news:373de8ad...@news.inxpress.net...
> As fast as molasis going uphill in January
>
> .--------> "Stan" <stan.t...@usa.net> once proclaimed:
> |
> |> As quick as a tortoise on Prozac
> |
> |
Michael McBurney
Michael
Me
Al Gardner
Michael McBurney wrote in message <37406d6...@news2.dnet.co.uk>...
