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Mike Helmstadter

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Nov 29, 1990, 11:43:33 PM11/29/90
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25 GOOD REASONS
WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN


1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.

2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.

3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.

4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE
YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.

5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.

6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.

7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.

8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.

9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.

10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.

11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.

12. AFTER YOU'VE HAD A BEER, THE BOTTLE IS STILL WORTH 5 CENTS.

13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IT YOU COME HOME AND HAVE ANOTHER BEER.

14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.

15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.

16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.

17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.

19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.

20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.

21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.

22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.

23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.

24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.

25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.

This piece is original, written by Larry Jacobs and Josh Bloch.


I just had a thought that might cast a new light on our current
federal budget problems:

Here are some estimates I heard on NPR today:

1991 Proposed Budget $ 1,200,000,000,000
Est. Revenue 800,000,000,000
Military Budget 290,000,000,000
Debt Service 260,000,000,000
National Debt 3,000,000,000,000

So I thought I would do my part to help eliminate the national debt
by organizing a bake sale. (If it's good enough for the Girl Scouts,
it's good enough for Uncle Sam.)

Let's say we bake the chocolate mint cookies: they've always been
my favorites. If we put 40 cookies in a box, sell the boxes for 2
dollars a piece and it costs us $1.25 a box to bake them, we can make
75 cents per box! Now let's see... We need to raise 3 trillion
dollars... That's a mere 160 trillion cookies.

But who will eat the cookies?? We all will! Assuming the
population of the United States is 250 million, that makes 640,000
delicious chocolate mint cookies for every man, woman and child in the
US. What a feast!

But wait - we'd have to bake the cookies before we could eat them.
No problem. I can fit 3 baking sheets in my oven, with 48 cookies on
a sheet. (6 by 8 always works nicely.) It takes about 12 minutes to
bake a batch of cookies, so that means I can bake 720 cookies per
hour! Now I could bake all of the cookies myself but it would take me
8.5 billion years. Since the sun will burn out in about 500 million
years, maybe you guys better help me. If everybody in the US were to
help, it would take only 34 years. Of course everybody would have to
quit their jobs to bake cookies 40 hours a week, but what the heck;
it's for a good cause.

Bon Appetit,

larry & Josh

P.S. When I thought about it a bit more, I realized that some of us
might eventually get tired of eating 30,000 cookies a week -- even the
chocolate mint ones! Then I had a great idea: we could export some of
the cookies! Let's assume that Americans only wanted, say, half of
them. That leaves 80 trillion cookies for the rest of the world.
Let's say we distribute these cookies evenly among the balance of the
world population, about 4.75 billion people. That comes out to 16,800
cookies per person for the rest of the planet. Not only would our
bake sale solve the current US budget problem, but it would end world
hunger and balance the US trade deficit to boot!

The Shit List

1. Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel the shit come out, but there's
no shit in the toilet.

2. Clean Shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet,
but there's nothing on the toilet paper.

3. Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels
unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.

4. Second Wave Shit: This happens when you are done shitting and you've
pulled your pants up to your knees, and realize that you have to shit
some more.

5. Pop-a-vein-in-your-forehead Shit: The kind where you strain so much to
get it out you practically have a stroke.

6. Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of shit that is so huge you're afraid to
flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

7. Gassey Shit: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.

8. Drinker Shit: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long
night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the
bottom of the toilet.

9. Corn Shit: Self explanatory.

10. Gee-I-wish-I-could-shit Shit: The kind where you want to shit but
all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

11. Spinal Tap Shit: That's where it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear
it was leaving you sideways.

12. Wet Cheeks Shit: (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt
so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

13. Liquid Shit: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

14. Mexican Shit: It smells so bad your nose burns.

15: Upper Class Shit: The kind of shit that doesn't smell.

16: The Surprise Shit: You're not even at the toilet because you're sure
you are about to fart, but oops!....A shit!

17: The Dangling Shit: The shit that refuses to drop into the toilet even
though you know you're done shitting it. You just pray a shake or two
will cut it loose.

T H E R U L E S
-------------------

1) The female always makes the rules.

2) The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice.

3) No male can possibly know all the rules.

4) If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately
change some or all the rules.

5) The female is never wrong.

6) If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something the male did or said.

7) If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing
the misunderstanding.

8) The female can change her mind at any given point in time.

9) The male must never change his mind without the express, written consent
of the female.

10) The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11) The male must remain calm at all times unless the female WANTS him
to be angry or upset.

12) The female must UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES let the male know whether she
wants him to be angry or upset.

13) If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void.

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