scotsmen
First Last
Zevra and his little green guy
>i would like some scottish humor
Braveheart . . .
Okay so it was lame.
Sit yirsel doon, pit yir feet up, and enjoy a wee taste o' Glesga humour. Oh
and if ye huv ony bother understauning jist give me a shout an ah'll be gled
tae translate fur ye.
A wee Glesga hardman wis up fur senticin' an' ri' judge says 6 months!!
Ach, says ri' wee yin, ah'kin dae 'at stonnin oan ma heid!!!
5 Years,says ri' judge.
"Whut fur, ri' wee yin says.
An ri' judge says "At'll gie ye time tae get back oan yur feet!!!
Zevra McCloud, of the clan McCloud!
Alba gu brath
Zevra and his little green guy
>First Last First...@uregina.ca wrote:
>
>>i would like some scottish humor
I have more of this nonsense. If I find it I'll post it assuming no one
actually bugs me tae translate it.
Leo Pretty
John N! Swegan
>>fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little green guy) wrote:
>
>actually bugs me tae translate it.
Ach! I'm wurried sick as I unnerstoood ittall!
SWIGGY - Listmaster - Webmaster - baturMaster
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>>fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little green guy) wrote:
>
>>First Last First...@uregina.ca wrote:
>>
>>>i would like some scottish humor
>
>I have more of this nonsense. If I find it I'll post it assuming no one
>actually bugs me tae translate it.
Here's my Scottish edition from last month...
JOKE A THON FOR September 02, 1999
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TODAY'S QUOTE:
"Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead."
-- Scottish Proverb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOTE SUBJECT LINE Call it a skirt and you might get kilt!
HOWDY:
Face it, I don't normally do ethnic jokes. But I DO do the jokes of
my ethnic heritages whenever I can. Usually, it's around St. Pat's
day when the Irish in me comes up. However, I also have background on
the other shores, as the English, Welsh, and Scots make up my make up.
Today, I'm going to go to the north of the British Isle and do the
jokes about the folks with the tightness of the purse and the habit of
of the nip of the bit! Where a boy doesn't wait until he's old enough
for a pair of long pants, but a skirt... or Kilt, as it may be.
Yes, my Scottish ancestors are known for the kilt, the bagpipes, and
their engineering skills (Face it, the engineer on the original Star
Trek wasn't called Romanov for a good reason!)
So what if they squeeze a coin so tightly that it only has one side.
Who cares? I do! That's my heritage and I'm proud of it!
NOW, ON WEIRD TO COMEDY!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TODAY'S E-QUIP:
Happiness can't buy money.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and
their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her
foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground
Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason
for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that
I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's ten
pounds. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a
molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her
skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any
knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a
reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I
cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "
Here's five pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an
exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head
revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her
irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a
comb. The least you can do is tidy yourself up a bit."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scot?
A Rolling Stone says, "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud!!"
A Scot says, "Hey! MacLeod! Get off of my ewe!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits it down on a stool
and proclaims it to be a most extraordinarily talented octopus,
capable of playing any musical instrument in the world. The patrons
crack up in laughter but the guy insists he's not joking, and in fact
would be willing to wager $50 in support of his claim.
Within minutes a man walks up with a guitar and offers it to the
octopus. The octopus takes it up in its tentacled arms and starts
ripping off licks like Jimi Hendrix come back from the dead. The man
concedes the loss and pays up $50.
The next taker hands the octopus a trumpet. It plays it better than
Dizzie Gillespie on his best ever day. That taker, too, concedes the
loss and pays up $50.
Then a grizzled, gnarly auld Scotsman marches up with a set of
bagpipes. The octopus is confused by the exotic instrument. He
observes it from every possible angle, this way and that, for several
minutes before tentatively fumbling with the colorful tartaned
bagcover.
"Ha!" exclaimed the Scot. "Ye canna play it noo, can ye?"
"Play it?" said the octopus. "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I get
these pajamas off it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock -- of course --
who was very interested in making a pound where he could ... so he
often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As
it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Church of Scotland decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of
one of their biggest churches, Jock put in a tender and because his
price was so competitive, he got the job.
And so he set to, with a right good will -- erecting the trestles and
putting up the planks, and buying the paint and ... yes, I am sorry
to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the
sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all
over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on
the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of
the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so
he fell on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I
do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke:
"REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a Scotsman went playing golf. After standing a while on the
green he asked the boy standing beside him: "You are my caddie for
today?"
"Yes," answered the boy.
"You are good in finding lost balls?"
"Oh yes, I find every lost ball!"
"Ok, boy, then run and search for one, then we can start!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other
students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no
doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and
whiskey). "How do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one
on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The
one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy
English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Scotish man was at a baseball game.
It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly.
The first batter approached the mound, he took a few swings and then
hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish
man was now exited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "
walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scotsman,
extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd,
rrrun!"
Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scotsman, extremely
embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scotsman's
embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run - he got four
balls."
The Scotsman then stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...
walk with pride!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Scotsman was sick and in the hospital. His doctors were afraid that
this was to be the end of him since nothing they did could do
anything to make him healthy. His physician asked him if there was
anything that he could do to make him more comfortable in his final
hours.
The Scot replied, "If I could only hear the pipes one more time it
would make me very happy."
The doctor arranged for a piper to come into the room and play for
the dying man.
When the Scot heard the pipes the color came back into his cheeks,
his eyes became bright, his breathing was easier, and he got up and
danced around the room. He was completely cured!
Later, while recounting the tale to his fellows over lunch the doctor
confessed that this was a miracle cure that he couldn't explain. When
the pipes began to play the Scotsman was cured. The only problem he
could see was that two Englishmen in for checkups died.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A captain of a Scottish regiment barges into a chemist's. He's in
full regalia: kilt, waistcoat, tam o'shanter, leggings. He marches up
to the counter and plops down a very bedraggled sheepskin condom.
"How much fer a new one?" he demands.
The chemist pokes at it and says, "Four pounds."
The captain frowns. "How much to repair it?"
The chemist thinks. "Two pounds."
The captain says, "I'll be back," and marches out of the store.
An hour later he barges in and says: "The lads of the regiment have
voted for a new one."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A old Scot farmer fell down the well one day. The water was way over
his head and icy cold, but he could swim. He kept himself afloat and
called out until his wife came to the edge of the well.
"I can't do a thing," she called down to him. " Just try to keep your
head up and I'll call the men working in the field to pull you out."
"What time is it," queried the swimming Scot.
"It's about eleven o'clock. Why?"
"I'm paying those lads to work in the fields. Let them be. I'll tread
water til lunch time, then they can pull me out!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the miserly old Scot that counted his money in
front of a mirror so he wouldn't cheat himself?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was the old Scot that brought back an empty bag of bird
seed to Wal-Mart. "This bird seed is no good," he shouted at the clerk
! "I planted it in good soil, and dinna grow a single bird!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sorry, laddie," said MacDonald, "but I only accept cash."
"But my check is good! Don't you trust me?"
"You I trust, it's the banks I don't!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Scot and an Englishman had lunch together. (Hey, it COULD happen!)
When the check came, both men grabbed it and a quick tug of war
entailed.
The Englishman, now holding the check, looked at his companion and
said, "Either you're losing your grip, or I'm stronger than I
thought."
The wily Scot smiled and said, "Do you want to try it with a 10 pound
note?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Where shall we go for holiday this year?" asked Mrs. MacDonald.
"Why don't we just stay home and let our minds wander!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs. MacTavish was very sick. The only light in the room, a tiny
candle, showed the pallor of her complexion. "I don't think I'll make
it through the night," she told the mister.
"Aye, and I'd love to stay with you my dear," said MacTavish, "but I
must get my evening chores down. If you feel yourself slipping away
while I'm gone, could you please blow out the candle first!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was the Scotsman that was so badly in need of some money
that he took some out of his bank!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Scottish minister was walking down the road when he stumbled
across Jock, who lay there quite disheveled and feeling no pain!
"Where have you been! You're a mess!"
"I'm not sure," replied Jock. "It was either a wedding or a funeral!
Either way, it was a howling success!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The stingiest man in Scotland was the chap who paid his daughter ten
pence not to eat dinner, then, while she slept, he stole the money
back. The following morning, he refused to give her breakfast because
she had lost the coin!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well, MacSwegan, your last daughter's all married off! How do you
feel?"
"Wonderful! The confetti was starting to get dirty!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Campbell had quite a tilt to his kilt, if you'll pardon the
expression. In fourteen years of marriage, he and the missus had
produced fourteen strong, healthy children, and a new one was on the
way.
"Ian," said the missus shortly before number fifteen arrived, "Let's
get a new crib for the baby. This old one is shot after fourteen
babes!"
"It looks sturdy enough to me," replied Campbell.
"No, it's coming apart at the seams! The slats are all loose, the
wheels are worn and the mattress has bare spots where the springs are
coming though."
"All right," stormed the Scot! "I'll get a new one: but this one
better last!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The handyman had just returned to the farmhouse after finishing the
backbreaking job of removing rocks from the field. Mrs. MacDougal,
the farmer's wife, decided to thank him for his work, and handed him
a drink of Scotch, saying, "This is the good stuff! It's twenty-five
years old!"
The handyman, also a pure Scot, looked at his glass and replied, "A
bit small for it's age, isn't it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first sign of summer is when a Scotsman throws out his
Christmas tree.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Scots were walking down the street when one spotted a ten dollar
bill laying on the ground. The second one, who hadn't seen it,
borrowed it to buy a pair of glasses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the Scottish golf pro that, after a ten year
retirement, returned to the game? He found his ball!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I hate my new glasses,' said young Wallace.
"Why's that," answered his friend.
"If I don't take them off when I'm not looking at anything, my father
hits me upside the head for trying to wear them out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The jet plane left Heathrow airport, and was barely into it's flight
when it suddenly started to rattle. The quick thinking pilot
immediately set a course northward. As soon as he crossed the border
into Scotland, everything tightened up!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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David Mason
fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little green guy) writes:
>>First Last First...@uregina.ca wrote:
>
>>i would like some scottish humor
>
>
> Okay so it was lame.
>
> Sit yirsel doon, pit yir feet up, and enjoy a wee taste o' Glesga humour. Oh
> and if ye huv ony bother understauning jist give me a shout an ah'll be gled
> tae translate fur ye.
>
> A wee Glesga hardman wis up fur senticin' an' ri' judge says 6 months!!
> Ach, says ri' wee yin, ah'kin dae 'at stonnin oan ma heid!!!
> 5 Years,says ri' judge.
> "Whut fur, ri' wee yin says.
> An ri' judge says "At'll gie ye time tae get back oan yur feet!!!
>
> Zevra McCloud, of the clan McCloud!
> Alba gu brath
You soond aboot as Scoatish as a Sassenach burd, di ye ken?
Noo, repeat wi' me.....
EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
Richt, am goan doon the toon tae get some scran. Dinnae let me catch ye
daein any shite impersonations again ya wee radge.
Dave "Weegie Hater" McMason
Merv Cripps
> >
> > Sit yirsel doon, pit yir feet up, and enjoy a wee taste o' Glesga humour. Oh
> > and if ye huv ony bother understauning jist give me a shout an ah'll be gled
> > tae translate fur ye.
> >
> >
The auld Scots mother mine, an Aberdonian McDonald, married a Sassenach,
di ye ken,
but I was raised as a Scot, playing the pipes an' all. I tell folk that
I
know I'm a Scot because I was born in Canada to save the fare.
Zevra and his little green guy
>>>fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little green guy) wrote:
>>
>>>First Last First...@uregina.ca wrote:
>>>
>>>>i would like some scottish humor
>>
>>actually bugs me tae translate it.
>
>
>
A polis mottur was gaun doon ri' Kilmarnock road aboot 35 miles an oor, an a
joker passed um oan ri' ootside dae'n aboot 40, an this guy wis runnin'!!
Ri' polis couldnae believe 'es eyes, an' gote efter um. Right up ower ri' hill
ri' guy goes an dissapears. When ri' polis finally catches up wi' um, he's
lyin' at ri' side ae ri' road a' bleedin'.
Ri' polis says tae um. Whut happint?? an' ri guy says Ah' gote a laoot, oan ma
sanshoes!
Zevra, remember highlanders, "If you lose your head, you lose your wife!"
Zevra and his little green guy
> fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little green guy) writes:
>>>First Last First...@uregina.ca wrote:
>>
>>>i would like some scottish humor
>>
>> Braveheart . . .
>>
>> Okay so it was lame.
>>
>> Sit yirsel doon, pit yir feet up, and enjoy a wee taste o' Glesga humour.
>Oh
>> and if ye huv ony bother understauning jist give me a shout an ah'll be
>gled
>> tae translate fur ye.
>>
>> A wee Glesga hardman wis up fur senticin' an' ri' judge says 6 months!!
>> Ach, says ri' wee yin, ah'kin dae 'at stonnin oan ma heid!!!
>> 5 Years,says ri' judge.
>> "Whut fur, ri' wee yin says.
>> An ri' judge says "At'll gie ye time tae get back oan yur feet!!!
>>
>> Zevra McCloud, of the clan McCloud!
>> Alba gu brath
>
>You soond aboot as Scoatish as a Sassenach burd, di ye ken?
>
>Noo, repeat wi' me.....
>
>EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>
>Richt, am goan doon the toon tae get some scran. Dinnae let me catch ye
>daein any shite impersonations again ya wee radge.
>
>Dave "Weegie Hater" McMason
>
After all that effort on my part! {sob}
Zevra, cheerio fur noo
OBSJ:
A herse was goin' down a very steep hill in Glasgow, an' a small girl ran in
front of it. The driver slammed on the brakes, an the coffin in the rear broke
loose, an' went doon the hill aboot 40 MPH. riht acroass a main road, smashed
thro' a chemist shoap windae, an' the lid flew aff, an the corpse sat up an
says, "Huv ye ay'hin' tae stoap this coffin???
Alistair McIntosh
Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft
tall, from Blackhill and called Shug.
He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos,
would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport either a Rangers
or Celtic top.
Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by
his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would addess him as
Wanky-Nobby
Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of
stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'
R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the
number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing
or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at
any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front
of a speeding train/set on fire
Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable
to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said.
He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae
Newton Mearns'.
The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and
extra-flared exhaust ports.
It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back
window and a saltire (St Andrews cross) bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to
run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver
mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And
you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.
The best way to detroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a
desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be
- alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals
it was full of Roman Catholics
- leave it unattended in Easterhouse.
Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-
Han Solo
"I've got a real bad feeling about this"
"Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"
"Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
"Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"
"There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
"The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wae the rain?!"
"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster
at your side, kid."
"Nae messin aboot wae the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get
yersel' a decent shooter"
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker
"The Force is strong in this one"
"Stop shooglin' ya wee basturd!"
Princess Leia
"You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
"Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"
"This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
"Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' shite"
Admiral Motti
"Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
"You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae
you!"
Obi Wan
"I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
"F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"
Luke to the Emperor
"Your overconfidence is your weakness."
"Oh ye bloody think so!"
Hoodah Thunkit
Zevra and his little green guy wrote:
>
> >First Last First...@uregina.ca wrote:
>
> >i would like some scottish humor
>
> Braveheart . . .
>
> Okay so it was lame.
>
> Sit yirsel doon, pit yir feet up, and enjoy a wee taste o' Glesga humour. Oh
> and if ye huv ony bother understauning jist give me a shout an ah'll be gled
> tae translate fur ye.
>
> A wee Glesga hardman wis up fur senticin' an' ri' judge says 6 months!!
> Ach, says ri' wee yin, ah'kin dae 'at stonnin oan ma heid!!!
> 5 Years,says ri' judge.
> "Whut fur, ri' wee yin says.
> An ri' judge says "At'll gie ye time tae get back oan yur feet!!!
>
> Zevra McCloud, of the clan McCloud!
> Alba gu brath
Hey, Sambo, get offa McCloud.
Zevra and his little green guy
Zevra, ewe! That's disgusting!
just kiddin
green guy) wrote:
>
>I have more of this nonsense. If I find it I'll post it assuming no one
>actually bugs me tae translate it.
Bug, bug, bug.
Elisabeth-be-gone
Zevra and his little green guy
>fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little
>green guy) wrote:
>
>>
>>I have more of this nonsense. If I find it I'll post it assuming no one
>>actually bugs me tae translate it.
>
>Bug, bug, bug.
>
That time of the month again is it Lizzie? I'll send over a pound of
chocolate, a mound of cheese, and a couple of bottles of something sweet and
alcoholic.
In the hallowed halls
where the lost minds wander,
I once found a girl and her friend named Sandra;
and Mia and Kira and Jenny and Sal
and a little green guy she liked to call Hal . . .
Zevra
Hehehe, they came to take me away!
just kiddin
green guy) wrote:
>>
>You are realy stuck on this homosexual thing aren't you?
>
>Zevra, ewe! That's disgusting!
You prefer a ram?
Elisabeth
is it "annoy Zevra day" already?
just kiddin
green guy) wrote:
>>
>That time of the month again is it Lizzie? I'll send over a pound of
>chocolate, a mound of cheese, and a couple of bottles of something sweet and
>alcoholic.
>
Better send the translating, or I'll get really nasty.
Elisabeth
a nasty bug is going around
Zevra and his little green guy
>fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little
>green guy) wrote:
>
>
>>>
>>You are realy stuck on this homosexual thing aren't you?
>>
>>Zevra, ewe! That's disgusting!
>
>You prefer a ram?
>
Is it back to power tools already Lizzy?
>Elisabeth
>is it "annoy Zevra day" already?
>
Zevra, you mean there is a specific day, one, single, day?
( NOTE: lots of commas! )
Zevra and his little green guy
>Better send the translating, or I'll get really nasty.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Yummmm! Nasty -- yes, carry on dear.
John N! Swegan
>>Ach! I'm wurried sick as I unnerstoood ittall!
>>
>Naebora, tray thes un.
>
>A polis mottur was gaun doon ri' Kilmarnock road aboot 35 miles an oor, an a
>joker passed um oan ri' ootside dae'n aboot 40, an this guy wis runnin'!!
> Ri' polis couldnae believe 'es eyes, an' gote efter um. Right up ower ri' hill
>ri' guy goes an dissapears. When ri' polis finally catches up wi' um, he's
>lyin' at ri' side ae ri' road a' bleedin'.
> Ri' polis says tae um. Whut happint?? an' ri guy says Ah' gote a laoot, oan ma
>sanshoes!
>
>Zevra, remember highlanders, "If you lose your head, you lose your wife!"
I just HATE it when my sneakers have a blow out!
SWIGGY
just kiddin
green guy) wrote:
>>
>Is it back to power tools already Lizzy?
Power tools are for only for real man (like Thor) not for sissy Lizzy.
>
>>Elisabeth
>>is it "annoy Zevra day" already?
>>
>Zevra, you mean there is a specific day, one, single, day?
There is a day, but it lasts about 8544 hours.
> ( NOTE: lots of commas! )
LOL! I love it when you do our private jokes!
>
Elisabeth
lots of
Zevra and his little green guy
>fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little
>green guy) wrote:
>>>
>>Is it back to power tools already Lizzy?
>
>Power tools are for only for real man (like Thor) not for sissy Lizzy.
>>
What happened to the pain and screaming? What happened to all those fine
fetishes we had worked out so well?
What has Markus done to my woman!
>>>is it "annoy Zevra day" already?
>>>
>>Zevra, you mean there is a specific day, one, single, day?
>
>There is a day, but it lasts about 8544 hours.
Does this mean we are on Saturn already cuz I just dozed off for a minute, I
swear.
>> ( NOTE: lots of commas! )
>
Yes, thanks,--realy, I mean it, I do.
>LOL! I love it when you do our private jokes!
>>
Okay here's one, "64" and what about "33" no wait that would be overkill.
just kiddin
green guy) wrote:
>>>
>I let you go away on a little vacation and you go and get all wimpy on me?
Hey, I'm just a little girl!
>What happened to the pain and screaming?
Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
Do you feel better now?
> What happened to all those fine
>fetishes we had worked out so well?
For instance the one you called "butterfly" (now why did you came up
with that name in the first place?) was great, but you had some ideas
about keyboards I did not like so much.
> What has Markus done to my woman!
Guess three times. First two times don't count.
>
>Does this mean we are on Saturn already cuz I just dozed off for a minute, I
>swear.
I did not know you were so hot for rings?
>
>>LOL! I love it when you do our private jokes!
>>>
>Okay here's one, "64" and what about "33" no wait that would be overkill.
;-))) You make my day!
Elisabeth
33 any time!
Zevra and his little green guy
>fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little
>green guy) wrote:
>>>>
>>I let you go away on a little vacation and you go and get all wimpy on me?
>
>Hey, I'm just a little girl!
>
that we can investigate . . .
>>What happened to the pain and screaming?
>
>Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!
>Do you feel better now?
>
A little. You've done better. We'll have to work on it.
>> What happened to all those fine
>>fetishes we had worked out so well?
>
>For instance the one you called "butterfly" (now why did you came up
>with that name in the first place?) was great, but you had some ideas
>about keyboards I did not like so much.
>
How about "the scorpion"? You remember the one with the asian girl we borrowed
and those little crawling things all over the two of you, now _THAT_ was fun!
>> What has Markus done to my woman!
>
>Guess three times. First two times don't count.
>
Straight sex, straight sex, straight sex. Okay I guess it would be the last
one that ruined you.
>>
>>Does this mean we are on Saturn already cuz I just dozed off for a minute, I
>>swear.
>
>I did not know you were so hot for rings?
>
Depends where they get put . . .
>>
>>>LOL! I love it when you do our private jokes!
>>>>
>>Okay here's one, "64" and what about "33" no wait that would be overkill.
>
>;-))) You make my day!
>
>Elisabeth
>33 any time!
>
Okay. I'll bring all the necessary equipment and you just bring your little
ole self. Oh and you might want to shave off any excess body hair, remember
how you screamed last time . . .
Zevra, oh goody goody gumdrops!
just kiddin
green guy) wrote:
>>
>Shall we take a stroll into the forest little girl? I have a candy stash there
>that we can investigate . . .
I will bring the cake, my dear big bad wolf.
>>
>A little. You've done better. We'll have to work on it.
Is that a promise?
>>
>How about "the scorpion"? You remember the one with the asian girl we borrowed
>and those little crawling things all over the two of you, now _THAT_ was fun!
Don't you ever dare to just watch again!
>Straight sex, straight sex, straight sex. Okay I guess it would be the last
>one that ruined you.
I admit I am in ruins.
>>I did not know you were so hot for rings?
>>
>Depends where they get put . . .
It hurts most and costs most if you put it on the second finger (start
counting at the smallest finger).
>>
>Okay. I'll bring all the necessary equipment and you just bring your little
>ole self. Oh and you might want to shave off any excess body hair, remember
>how you screamed last time . . .
Now I am a bit disappointed. I thought you liked it when I scream?
>
>Zevra, oh goody goody gumdrops!
- the only American way!
Elisabeth
yodelling
Zevra and his little green guy
>fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little
>green guy) wrote:
>>>
>>Shall we take a stroll into the forest little girl? I have a candy stash
>there
>>that we can investigate . . .
>
>I will bring the cake, my dear big bad wolf.
>
>>>
>>A little. You've done better. We'll have to work on it.
>
>Is that a promise?
>
>>>
>>How about "the scorpion"? You remember the one with the asian girl we
>borrowed
>>and those little crawling things all over the two of you, now _THAT_ was
>fun!
>
>Don't you ever dare to just watch again!
>
Besides, I wasn't just watching!!!!!!
>>Straight sex, straight sex, straight sex. Okay I guess it would be the last
>>one that ruined you.
>
>I admit I am in ruins.
>
That's loins dear, loins. Better get back to work with that dictionary.
>>>I did not know you were so hot for rings?
>>>
>>Depends where they get put . . .
>
>It hurts most and costs most if you put it on the second finger (start
>counting at the smallest finger).
>
Touche! ( Still in the old days one put the ring in her nose so if she balked
at the idea of six women, a donkey, chains, whips, and flambe all in one
sitting, you could let her know who was boss! Of course she could turn around
and bite his penis off and still be ahead of the game! I'm sorry, where was I?)
>>>
>>Okay. I'll bring all the necessary equipment and you just bring your little
>>ole self. Oh and you might want to shave off any excess body hair, remember
>>how you screamed last time . . .
>
>Now I am a bit disappointed. I thought you liked it when I scream?
>>
One hair at a time, this time. One hair at a time!
>>Zevra, oh goody goody gumdrops!
>
>- the only American way!
>
>Elisabeth
>yodelling
>
Anything like screaming?
Zevra, Can we tape one of these sessions? Can we? Huh, pleaseeee?
Greg Evans
David Mason <d...@dcs.ed.ac.uk> wrote in message
news:93911675...@muck.dcs.ed.ac.uk...
> In article <19991004195344...@ng-cn1.aol.com>,
> fel...@aol.com (Zevra and his little green guy) writes:
> >>First Last First...@uregina.ca wrote:
> >
> >>i would like some scottish humor
> >
> > Braveheart . . .
> >
> > Okay so it was lame.
> >
> > Sit yirsel doon, pit yir feet up, and enjoy a wee taste o' Glesga
humour. Oh
> > and if ye huv ony bother understauning jist give me a shout an ah'll be
gled
> > tae translate fur ye.
> >
> > A wee Glesga hardman wis up fur senticin' an' ri' judge says 6 months!!
> > Ach, says ri' wee yin, ah'kin dae 'at stonnin oan ma heid!!!
> > 5 Years,says ri' judge.
> > "Whut fur, ri' wee yin says.
> > An ri' judge says "At'll gie ye time tae get back oan yur feet!!!
> >
> > Zevra McCloud, of the clan McCloud!
> > Alba gu brath
>
>
> Noo, repeat wi' me.....
>
> EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
> EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
> EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
> EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
> EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
> EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
> EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
> EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
> EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
> EH'LL HAE A BRIDIE, TWA PEHS AN' AN INGINY AN 'N A...............
>
> Richt, am goan doon the toon tae get some scran. Dinnae let me catch ye
> daein any shite impersonations again ya wee radge.
>
> Dave "Weegie Hater" McMason
I once heard a skit on the radio, about a record someone was using to "Learn
Conversational Scottish" -- having to repeat phrases such as "Bob's yer
uncle" and "Can I owe ye; all I got's a fiver."
Any of you loons know where I could find this gem for my very own?
just kiddin
green guy) wrote:
>>mael...@EUnet.at (just kiddin) wrote:
>>
>Whine! You bring the wine dammit! How many times do I have to tell you!
Until I understand what you mean. Whine? Wine? Will there be wine when
you whine?
>>
>>Is that a promise?
>>
>A threat, my dear sweet Lizzie thing!
You simply cannot threaten me.
>>Don't you ever dare to just watch again!
>>
>Sorry but the way you two were screaming I didn't want to ruin the moment.
>Besides, I wasn't just watching!!!!!!
Please tell all them lurkers out there what you were doing, and then
feel very ashamed for yourself.
>>I admit I am in ruins.
>>
>That's loins dear, loins. Better get back to work with that dictionary.
But the dictionary is so boring! I am still at abecedarian and feel
like one.
>>It hurts most and costs most if you put it on the second finger (start
>>counting at the smallest finger).
>>
>Touche! ( Still in the old days one put the ring in her nose so if she balked
>at the idea of six women, a donkey, chains, whips, and flambe all in one
>sitting, you could let her know who was boss! Of course she could turn around
>and bite his penis off and still be ahead of the game! I'm sorry, where was I?)
Ahead of the game.
>>
>>Now I am a bit disappointed. I thought you liked it when I scream?
>>>
>One hair at a time, this time. One hair at a time!
This will be a long night.
>>yodelling
>>
>Anything like screaming?
Worse.
>
>Zevra, Can we tape one of these sessions? Can we? Huh, pleaseeee?
Duct tape? Or is that duck tape?
Hmmm ... duck ...
Elisabeth
put it on the bill