C

[David Coble]

Cabbage:
1. A Familiar Kitchen-Garden Vegetable About As Large And Wise As A Man's
Head.
2. The Age Of A Taxi.

Cactus:
An Overgrown Pin Cushion.

Cadence:
When Everybody Hopes You're Going To Stop, But You Don't.

Cadenza:
The Heroine In Monteverdi's Opera "Frottola".

Caesarean Section:
A District In Rome.

Cafeteria:
From Two Latin Words "Cafe," Meaning "Place To Eat" And "Teria," Meaning
"To Wretch".

Caffeine:
One Of The Four Basic Food Groups.

Caffidget:
To Break Up A Styrofoam Coffee Cup Into Several Hundred Pieces After
Consuming Its Contents.

Call:
What You Can't Do Because Your Stupid Roommate Has To Go Over Every Stupid
Detail Of Every Stupid Day With Their Stupid Home Town Sweetheart.

Calm:
Sea Condition Characterized By The Simultaneous Disappearance Of The Wind
And The Last Cold Beverage.

Calorie:
Basic Measure Of The Amount Of Rationalization Offered By The Average
Individual Prior To Taking A Second Helping Of A Particular Food.

Caltitude:
The Height To Which A Cat's Rear Can Rise To Meet The Hand Stroking It.

Camelot:
A Place Where They Park Camels.

Cancer:
Cure For Smoking.

Cannibal:
1. A Person Who Is Fed Up With People.
2. One Who Is Apt To Pass His Best Friend.

Cannibalism:
Intra-Species Dining

Cannon:
An Instrument Used In The Rectification Of National Boundaries.

Cantus Firmus:
The Part You Get When You Can Only Play Four Notes.

Capitalism:
Man Exploiting Man. Socialism: The Reverse.

Capsule:
A Space Ship.

Car Pooling:
A Game Whereby Mom Plays Chauffeur Only Every So Often, Which Allows Time
For Blood Pressure To Return To Normal And Strength To Flow For Next Time.

Car Sickness:
What You Get From Looking At The Sticker Price.

Careful:
1. Looking Both Ways While Crossing A One-Way.
2. Wearing Rubber Gloves To Change A Watch Battery.

Carnivore:
People Dancing And Playing Music In The Street

Carpe Diem:
Gripe Of The Day.

Carpenter:
A Guy Who Nails Down His Agreement.

Carperimeter:
The Zone Between The Wall And The End Of The Vacuum Cleaner Where Dirt Is
"Safe".

Carperpetuation:
The Act, When Vacuuming, Of Running Over A String At Least A Dozen Times,
Reaching Over And Picking It Up, Examining It, Then Putting It Back Down
To Give The Vacuum One More Chance.

Castrated Dinosaur:
A Colossal Fossil With A Docile Tossle.

Cat Scan:
Searching For Kitty.

Cat Toy:
Any Object On The Ground.

Cat:
1. A Soft, Indestructible Automaton Provided By Nature To Be Kicked When
Things Go Wrong In The Domestic Circle.
2. A Small, Furry Beast Resembling A Meatloaf.

Catalyst:
A Man With Lots And Lots Of Money

Catarrh:
Stringed Instrument.

Catastrophe:
Award Given To The Cat With The Cutest Buns.

Catatonic:
Aging Pussy In Desperate Need For Geritol.

Catchup:
A Hair Ball.

Caterpillar:
1. A Soft Scratching Post For A Kitten.
2. An Upholstered Worm.

Catheter:
String Instruments.

Catifornia:
The Sunshine State For Cats.

Catlapse:
The Amount Of Time A Cat Sleeping On His Owner's Lap Has To Awake And
Prepare To Hit The Floor Before The Owner Stands Up.

Catolick:
A Religiously Clean Kitty.

Catty:
An Afternoon Gathering Of Gossips.

Cauterize:
Made Eye Contact With Her.

Celebrity:
1. One Who Works Hard All His Life To Become Well Known, Then Wears Dark
Glasses To Avoid Being Recognized.
2. Someone Who Works Hard To Become Famous, Then Wears Dark Glasses To
Avoid Being Recognized.

Cellostatic:
The Electrical Property Of Cracker And Cigarette Wrappers That Cause Them
To Stick To Your Hand.

Cerebral Palsy:
Hands Playing In The Cereal.

Chafe:
Perfue With Marked Perfiftenfe.

Chansons De Geste:
Dirty Songs.

Character Above Reproach:
Still One Step Ahead Of The Law.

Charity:
That Generous Impulse To Give Away Something You Have No Use For.

Chauffeur:
An Average Mother Who Must Deliver Five Children To Six Places In Ten
Minutes, During The Rush Hour, And Then Get Home To Cook Supper Before
Anyone Gets Home.

Cheapskate:
1. Someone Who Earns Their Money The Hoard Way.
2. Someone Whose Motto Is: "Money Doesn't Grow On Sprees."
3. Someone Who, When They Go On A Week's Vacation, Only Spend Seven Days.
4. Someone Who Won't Even Sing A Scale, Since They Hate Parting With
"Doe."
5. Someone Who Always Avoids Picking Up The Check.
6. Someone Who's Happy To Let The Rest Of The World Go Buy.
7. Someone Who Doesn't Care How He's Treated, As Long As He Is.
8. Someone Who's Saving Money For A Rainy Century.
9. Someone Who Marries A Prostitute For Her Money.
10. Someone Who When Reaches For His Wallet, George Washington
11. Someone Has To Shield His Eyes From The Light.

Cheeriomagnetization:
The Tendency Of The Last Few Cheerios In The Bowl To Cling Together For
Survival.

Cheerios:
Hula-Hoops For Ants.

Chemicals:
Noxious Substances From Which Modern Foods Are Made.

Chest Protector:
The Bouncer In A Topless Bar.

Chiclexodus:
Any Attempt By A Gum Ball To Sneak Out Of The Chute And Roll Past The
Buyer.

Chicloexdus:
The Route Taken By A Gum Ball To Avoid Capture.

Child Psychology:
That Wonderful Device Employed By Parents Who Are Allowing The Child To
Have It's Own Way.

Childhood:
That Happy Period When Nightmares Occur Only During Sleep.

Childish Game:
One At Which You Cannot Beat Your Spouse.

Children's Bedroom:
A Place For Which You Had Better Have A Fairly Stiff Excuse If Some Health
Official Visits.

Children:
Young Persons, Most Of Whom Would Be On The Right Track If Only The
Parents Provided The Correct Switching Facilities.

Chinese Proverb:
No Married Household Can Hang Out A Sign Reading "No Problems Here."

Chinese Spy:
A Peking Tom.

Chip:
Not Spensive.

Chipfault:
The Stress Point On A Potato Chip Where It Breaks Off And Stays Behind In
The Dip.

Chiropodist:
Makes Money Hand Over Foot; A Guy Who Foots The Bill.

Chivalry:
A Mans Inclination To Defend A Woman Against Every Man But Himself.

Chocolate:
The Other Major Food Group.

Christ:
A Man Who Was Born At Least 5,000 Years Ahead Of His Time.

Christian:
1. One Who Believes That The New Testament Is A Divinely Inspired Book
Admirably Suited To The Spiritual Needs Of His Neighbor.
2. One Who Follows The Teachings Of Christ In So Far As They Are Not
Inconsistent With A Life Of Sin.

Christmas Decorations:
Those Items Recently Found On An Easter Egg Hunt Which Could Not Be Found
Last November Or December, And So You Bought New Ones, Which Are Now Lost.

Church:
A Place Where You Encounter Nodding Acquaintances.

Cigadent:
Any Accident Involving A Cigarette: For Instance When It Sticks To Your
Lips While Your Fingers Slide Off And Get Burned.

Cigarette:
A Fire At One End, A Fool At The Other, And A Bit Of Tobacco In Between.

Cinemuck:
The Combination Of Popcorn, Soda, And Melted Chocolate Which Covers The
Floors Of Movie Theaters.

Circular Reasoning:
See Reasoning, Circular.

Citation:
Place Where A Train Stops

City:
A Large Community Where People Are Lonesome Together

Clausula:
Mrs. Santa.

Clergyman:
A Man That Works To Beat Hell.

Climax:
Mountain Hiker's Hatchet.

Clinton Supporter:
One Known To Be In Existence. With The President When He Jogs In The
Morning.

Clitoris:
Sensitive Flower.

Closet:
The Very Last Place Anyone Thinks To Look For Any Lost Item.

Clumfert:
The Invisible Extra Step At The Top And Bottom Of A Staircase. Usually
Materializes When One Is Carrying A Large Bag Of Groceries.

Coach:
A Kind Of Teacher Who Rewards Successful "Students" With A New Corvette.

Cobra:
A Brassiere For Siamese Twins.

Coincide:
What You Do When It Starts To Rain.

Coitus Interruptus:
A Jerky Movement Following The Words (By Either Sex Partner) "I Want To
Have Your Child."

Coitus:
A Musical Instrument.

Cola:
Two Dots

Cold:
1. When The Politicians Walk Around With Their Hands In Their Own Pockets.
2. When Your Dog Sticks To The Fire Hydrant.
3. It's Like A Committee Meeting__Sometimes The Eyes Have It, And
Sometimes The Nose.

Cole's Law:
Thinly Sliced Cabbage.

Colic:
A Sheep Dog.

Collage:
1. French Institute Of Higher Education.
2. A Fountain Of Knowledge Where Students Come To Drink.

Columbine:
Add Up All The Numbers In A Column.

Coma:
A Punctuation Mark.

Combatant:
Capable Of Doing His Job

Combiloops:
He Two Or Three Unsuccessful Passes Before Finally Opening A Combination
Lock.

Comic Relief:
When The Life Of The Party Goes Home.

Commentator:
An Average Potato.

Committee:
1. A Group Of People Who Individually Can Do Nothing And Who Collectively
Decide Nothing Can Be Done.
2. A Group That Keeps Minutes And Wastes Hours.

Common Sense:
That Which Would Have Prevented A Great Number Of Divorces By Having
Prevented A Great Number Of Marriages.

Commutator:
One Who Travels Daily Between Home And Work

Commuter:
A Machine That Does Sums

Competent:
Is Still Able To Get Work Done If Supervisor Helps.

Completion Date:
The Point At Which Liquidated Damages Begin.

Conceit:
A Form Of "I" Strain.

Conclusion:
Where Somebody Got Tired Of Thinking.

Concultation:
A Medical Term Meaning Share The Wealth.

Concussion:
A Prisoner's Sofa Pillow.

Condom:
Apartment Complex.

Conductus:
The Process Of Getting Vire Into The Cloister.

Conference:
A Meeting Of The Bored.

Confusion:
Father's Day In San Francisco.

Congenital:
Friendly.

Conscience:
1. That Which Hurts When Everything Else Feels Good.
2. The Inner Voice Warning You That Somebody Is Looking.

Conscientious And Careful:
Scared.

Conservation:
Two People Talking

Conservative:
1. One Who Admires Radicals Centuries After They're Dead.
2. One Who's Too Cowardly To Fight, Too Fat To Run.

Considerate Husband:
Always Willing To Purchase A New Summer Outfit For His Wife - A New Rake
And Some Seed Packages.

Constipation:
1. An Important U.S. Document.
2. Teeth Marks On The Toilet Seat.
3. To Have And To Hold.

Contortionist:
Someone Who Can Always Make Both Ends Meet.

Contraceptive:
An Article To Be Worn On Every Conceivable Occasion.

Contractor:
A Gambler Who Never Gets To Shuffle, Cut Or Deal.

Cookie:
A Virgin Doughnut.

Corduroy Pillows:
Pillows That Are Making Headlines.

Corkscrew:
The Best Thing With Which To Open A Conversation.

Cornicle:
Breaded "Washer" Left On The Stick After Eating A Corndog.

Coroner:
A Profession For Which You Have To Take A Stiff Exam.

Corporation:
An Ingenious Device For Obtaining Individual Profit Without Individual
Responsibility.

Corrugated Containers:
The One Industry Showing Growth, As Evidenced By The Increasing Number Of
Families Living In Them.

Cosmetics:
A Woman's Means For Keeping A Man From Reading Between The Lines.

Country Singer:
Someone Who Uses Two Million Dollars Worth Of Equipment To Sing About The
Simple Life.

Course:
The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which
the wind is blowing.

Cranium:
Place Where Large Birds Are Kept.

Crap:
Tasty Fish For A Dyslexic Person.

Crayollia:
The Area On The Refrigerator Where Kindergarten Drawings Are Displayed.

Creative Marketing:
15 Doughnut Shops Next To 4 Weight Loss Clinics.

Credit Card:
A Way To Increase Your Yearning Capacity.

Crew:
Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor
cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Cribbage:
A Baby's Bedroom.

Criminal:
One Who Gets Caught.

Crinks:
Crevices And Junctions Where Car Wax Gets In But Doesn't Get Out.

Critic:
One Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

Critical Mass:
Religious Service For Book & Film Reviewers.

Critical Path Method:
A Management Technique For Losing Your Shirt Under Perfect Control.

Crockery:
Artistic Medium Of The Politician.

Crotchet:
1. A Tritone With A Bent Prong
2. It's Like Knitting, But It's Faster
3. An Unpleasant Illness That Occurs After The Lai, If Prolongation Is Not
Used.

Crumbleplumb:
To Attack A Cereal Box In An Attempt To Retrieve The Prize.

Cubelo:
The One Cube Left By The Person Too Lazy To Refill The Ice Tray.

Cum Laude:
How Students In Southern Universities Call Dogs Named "Laude".

Cunt:
A Root Canal.

Current:
Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desired destination, or
towards a hazard.

Cursor:
An Expert In Four-Letter Words.

Cushup:
To Sit On A Couch Somehow Causing The Cushion Next To You To Rise.

Cut Time:
When You're Going Twice As Fast As Everybody Else In The Ensemble.

Cyber-Dog Food:
Kibbles And Bytes, And Bytes And Bytes.

Cyclic Redundancy Check:
Two Locks On The Same Bicycle.

Cynic:
1. A Blackguard Whose Faulty Vision Sees Things As They Are, Not As They
Ought To Be. Hence The Custom Among The Scythians Of Plucking Out A
Cynic's Eyes To Improve His Vision.
2. One Who Looks Through Rose-Colored Glasses With A Jaundiced Eye.
3. Someone Who Smells The Flowers And Looks For The Casket.

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