college application (from "Hotwired")
Darren Chng
This one makes the rounds every year, and with good reason: it
redefines
the term "killer app." If only our college essays had been this good.
From: gor...@digmedia.com (Gretchen Atwood)
Date: 23 Jan 1996
Subject: Killer apps
Posted to: so...@hotwired.com
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU in
response
to this question:
3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW
YOU,
THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more
efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for
Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot
bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a
veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am
the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of
charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear.
I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I
have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes. Last summer
I
toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I
bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany
circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I
know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have
performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a
week;
when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small
bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years
ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I
have
made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
oven.
I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have
spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
**(The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.)**