Did you see Steven Wright at last year's Academy Awards, accepting an Oscar
for his short film? After his name was announced, he slowly walked up to the
podium, stood there a moment, and then . . . he DIDN'T say "Thanks"!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Larry Appleman P.O. Box 214, Cambridge B, Mass. 02140
If there are,could you post up some of his jokes?
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is,
it's always room temperature."-Steven Wright.
"I was an only child, eventually"
"I lost a button hole"
"I was skydiving horizontally"
"I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths."
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?"
"On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor,
so I never have to go upstairs"
"I just redecorated my appartment. I put fake brick wallpaper
over a real brick wall... just so nobody would know"
"I bought some used paint. It came in the shape of a house."
"I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to
"I invented the cordless extension cord"
"When I was little, my grandfater used to make me stand in a
closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around
for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked
where I lived. I said, 'right here, officer'"
"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was
another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit."
"A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so
fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing
[mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'"
These are all from memory. Don't flame if they're not 100% accurate.
Ty Sarna | "The next thing I knew, I was unconscious"
sar...@b8.cs.rpi.edu | -- guy being interviewed on CNN
hm.. I think I remember a couple more..
"I once bought some instant water... I didn't know what to add.."
"I had a friend who was a clown.. when he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.."
. "I HOPE YOU SUFFER A DEBILITATING BRAIN ANEURYSM, you FREAK!" .
. -Calvin and Hobbes .
. Jenn Wilson jlw4...@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu 217-328-4930 .
Saw him live - it was hysterical! I think one of the best things he does is
his entrance - walks out, picks up the mic, looks around, walks around the
stage, listens to the crowd.. and.. "Thanks." (said as dully as possible).
I'm not going to sit here and try to remember all of his jokes, 'cause I
never will, but one of my favorites is:
"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette
wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
bedroom. They put it in _exactly_ the same place it was.
When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother,
but he didn't obey.
A child's mind is a terrible thing, ... not to fuck with!
* Greg Martin gma...@cs.umr.edu The opinions expressed above are mine *
* "I sing the hypotenuse, sweeping and only mine. *
* square of the other sides" - T'Vau, How Much For Just the Planet *
"I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time."
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President,
and that one word is 'to be prepared.'
--- Vice President Dan Quayle
"I spilled Spot Remover on my dog....Now he's gone."
I have a map of the United States, it says scale: 1 mile =1
I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2"
I put instant coffee in the microwave and nearly went back in
I made wine out of grapes so I wouldn't have to wait for it to
::::::::::::::::::::::::\ / Bernie T. Kuo --
:bt...@remus.rutgers.edu > ' I just gotta be me ' < Rutgers University ===
::::::::::::::::::::::::/ \ New Brunswick, NJ --
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.....
I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time...
..........................Thanks (said as dully as possible)
You forgot the punchline to this one!
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the
same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
Ty Sarna | "Finally, I made what they call a half-hearted
| suicide attempt. I tried to slash me wrists
sar...@b8.cs.rpi.edu | with a tomato" -- Alexi Sayle
"This is my impression of bowling"
(takes the microphone, runs it along the floor making it sound like
a bowling ball rolling down an alley, then stops)
"I like to skate on the other side of the ice."
"My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out
of my yard or I'll throw it at them."
"One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash
on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty
pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my
========================= Fluffy the Wonder Bunny ============================
"I think you're pretty tough, don't I?"
"Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! *boing*
"Consequences Shmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
==================== cadesj...@dahlia.waterloo.edu ========================
That's what most people do. Oh, maybe you meant *raisins*.. B^)
+ Jeffrey S. Curtis cur...@achilles.ctd.anl.gov (708)972-2907 B41801 AT ANLVM +
* Computing and Telecommunications, Argonne National Laboratory *
+ "The opinions expressed above are mine only. Who else would want them?!" +
# Brian Korinek "What I need is a strong drink
# B...@dptspd.sat.datapoint.com and a peer group."
There was a light switch in my old apartment that didn't seem to do anything.
Every night I flicked it on and off, just to see...
A week later a woman from Czeckloslovakia called and told me to cut it out.
>You forgot the punchline to this one!
>"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the
> same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
Another one (old): "I lost a button hole around here..."
"I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice"
* Jim R. Lamb | "There is no such thing as pain. It is all pychological." *
"I'd like to get a humidifier and a de-humidifier, put 'em in a room, and
let 'em fight it out!"
"Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper
they'd be if that didn't happen."
- Jim Solomon (sol...@becks.comm.mot.com)
-the SCOOP meister
Some amusing Steve Wright sayings, from various sources, some
from memory, in random order.
Last updated: 900920
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it
said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
"Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't
going to be on the road an hour."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
From: ro...@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)
Date: 22 Jan 1990
Subject: fake Steven Wright jokes [original; edited]
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to
a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you
want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if
I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a
dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called
someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go
up the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that
all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars".
From: ro...@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)
Date: 27 Jan 1990
Subject: fake Steven Wright jokes [original; edited]
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure
enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you
notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet
when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and
falls on the floor.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in
only ten minutes.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch
light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
"What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets
have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put
The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a
two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.
It told me it was none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had
to give it back.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on
doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
found spirit gum.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and
returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it
out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The
headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half
of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
Here are my categories, with examples (his):
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had
a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't
notice until I got it set up. People complained because they
couldn't see the lake.
WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like
that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They
lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and
took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or
numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it
was. You can guess what he told me.
And here's one from are...@cvl.umd.edu (Andrew Arensburger):
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX
And from cth@hpfcso (CT Hart):
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
~ Bob N. Keenan | DISCLAIMER?? I don't even KNOW HER!!
~ University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee |
~ b...@csd4.csd.uwm.edu |
Heard this on Carson, few years ago:
If your going 186,000 miles an hour and you decide to turn your
head lights on, what happens? -Steven Wright
Communications Division, Motorola Canada Ltd, Toronto
No, no... you got the ending all wrong! It's, "now he just ignores me
and keeps typing."
|"Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...| Mike Burden |
|only MUCH better!" -- Laurie Anderson |sharkey!wybbs.mi.org!mwb|
I came home and accidentally put my car keys in the door and the house
started up... so I drove it around the block a few times. I got stopped
by a cop... he asked me where I lived... I said "Here." Later, I parked
it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars "Get out of my
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
I like to skate on the other side of the ice... I like to reminice with
people I don't know...
Steven Wright is one of the three best commedians around today (The other
two are Bill Cosby and Gallegher). All three are great because they
are HILLARIOUS without being at all vulgar!
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I washed mud, off of mud.
I took a baby shower.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got
a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but
every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the
guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first;
I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that
week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points
was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I couldn't find the remote, to the remote.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
John H. Merritt --> mer...@climate.gsfc.nasa.gov
Applied Research Corporation at NASA/GSFC
"I am generally intolerant of ignorance,
but I have made an exception in your case."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?'
'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...'
#Ross Roberts (rrob...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu)|'85 IT200, '81 MX100 #
#DoD#0340, still patiently awaiting the 6ooF2... |'88 YFM350 Warrior #
#---------------------4-stroke good, 2-stroke gooder!---------------------- #
# Today's Lyric: 'Elvis is Dead...' :Living Colour #
SENDER : Joao Geada, PHONE : +44 91 222 8067
POST : Computing Laboratory, The University, Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK, NE1 7RU
JANET : J.M.C...@uk.ac.newcastle
ARPA : J.M.C...@newcastle.ac.uk
> Steven Wright is one of the three best commedians around today (The other
> two are Bill Cosby and Gallegher). All three are great because they
> are HILLARIOUS without being at all vulgar!
Gallagher is funny, but he is vulgar at times. However, he does have
the talent to recognize that humor is not a dribble of profanity. (Now
if only the Comedy Works performers would get this . . .)
For funny but not vulgar, I would recommend Rita Rudner and Mark
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.... -Steven Wright
* THIS SPACE FOR RENT!!! *
* Imagine YOUR ad reaching THOUSANDS of USENET readers! *
* For details contact Jason Tiscione, tisc...@zodiac.rutgers.edu *
"I spilled spot remover on my dog... now he's gone."
"I moved into my new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall...
it didn't do anything. Once in a while, I'd walk by it and just flip it...
Three weeks ago, I got a letter from a lady in Germany... saying 'Cut it
"Having sex with Rachel is like going to a concert. She yells a lot...
throws frisbees around the room... and when she wants more, she lights a
"I'm feeling kinda hyper..."
"And now, my imitation of bowling: [imitation of a ball rolling down a
lane, which abruptly stops after about 3 seconds] .... gutter."
Mike Allard, Applied Computing Devices, Inc. *** Standard Disclaimer is in
KA9VDC <m...@acd4.acd.com> | <uunet!acd4!mja> *** effect. Nodoby agrees with
"6 Cokes a Day Keeps the Drowsies Away!" -me *** any of my opinions anyway.
"Mmmm... I just *love* the smell of fusing engine parts!" -RMA, 2 quarts low
They are GREAT! Also, has anyone ever heard of Peter Gaulke (sp?)
Ob. Joke: If Helen Keller fell in the forest and there was no one there to
hear her, would she make a sound?
"A smile, two bangs, and a religion"
-I speak for no one but myself (except when I'm channeling).-
The answer is the exect same thing that happens when you turn
your headlights on at 60 MPH. 186,000 miles an hour is 3600
times slower than the speed of light and in the ballpark
of the speed interplanetary probes reach :-}