Steven Wright

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Larry Appleman

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Jul 24, 1991, 10:01:52 PM7/24/91
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In article <1991Jul24.2...@mcs.anl.gov> cur...@achilles.ctd.anl.gov (Jeffrey Curtis ) writes:
>I think one of the best things [Steven Wright] does is
>his entrance - walks out, picks up the mic, looks around, walks around the
>stage, listens to the crowd.. and.. "Thanks." (said as dully as possible).

Did you see Steven Wright at last year's Academy Awards, accepting an Oscar
for his short film? After his name was announced, he slowly walked up to the
podium, stood there a moment, and then . . . he DIDN'T say "Thanks"!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Larry Appleman P.O. Box 214, Cambridge B, Mass. 02140

F3...@cunyvm.bitnet

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Jul 24, 1991, 3:07:06 PM7/24/91
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Are there any fans of Steven Wright humor out there?

If there are,could you post up some of his jokes?

Al

"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is,
it's always room temperature."-Steven Wright.

Ty Sarna

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Jul 24, 1991, 4:34:57 PM7/24/91
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In article <91205.15...@CUNYVM.BITNET> <F3...@CUNYVM.BITNET> writes:
>Are there any fans of Steven Wright humor out there?
>
>If there are,could you post up some of his jokes?

"I was an only child, eventually"

"I lost a button hole"

"I was skydiving horizontally"

"I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?"

"On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor,
so I never have to go upstairs"

"I just redecorated my appartment. I put fake brick wallpaper
over a real brick wall... just so nobody would know"

"I bought some used paint. It came in the shape of a house."

"I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to
it"

"I invented the cordless extension cord"

"When I was little, my grandfater used to make me stand in a
closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
practice"

"The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around
for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked
where I lived. I said, 'right here, officer'"

"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was
another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit."

"A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so
fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing
[mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'"

These are all from memory. Don't flame if they're not 100% accurate.

--
Ty Sarna | "The next thing I knew, I was unconscious"
sar...@b8.cs.rpi.edu | -- guy being interviewed on CNN

hyUUUUUK!

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Jul 25, 1991, 1:50:02 AM7/25/91
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In article <91205.15...@CUNYVM.BITNET> F3...@CUNYVM.BITNET writes:
>Are there any fans of Steven Wright humor out there?


hm.. I think I remember a couple more..


"I once bought some instant water... I didn't know what to add.."

"I had a friend who was a clown.. when he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.."


-Jenney


--
......................................................................
. .
. "I HOPE YOU SUFFER A DEBILITATING BRAIN ANEURYSM, you FREAK!" .
. -Calvin and Hobbes .
. .
. Jenn Wilson jlw4...@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu 217-328-4930 .
......................................................................

Jeffrey Curtis

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Jul 24, 1991, 7:07:10 PM7/24/91
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>In article <91205.15...@CUNYVM.BITNET> <F3...@CUNYVM.BITNET> writes:
>Are there any fans of Steven Wright humor out there?

Saw him live - it was hysterical! I think one of the best things he does is


his entrance - walks out, picks up the mic, looks around, walks around the
stage, listens to the crowd.. and.. "Thanks." (said as dully as possible).

I'm not going to sit here and try to remember all of his jokes, 'cause I
never will, but one of my favorites is:

"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture."

Jeff

Preston Briggs

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Jul 24, 1991, 10:46:51 PM7/24/91
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>In article <91205.15...@CUNYVM.BITNET> <F3...@CUNYVM.BITNET> writes:
>>Are there any fans of Steven Wright humor out there?
>>If there are,could you post up some of his jokes?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette
wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my
bedroom. They put it in _exactly_ the same place it was.

When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother,
but he didn't obey.

A child's mind is a terrible thing, ... not to fuck with!

Greg Martin

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Jul 24, 1991, 10:47:03 PM7/24/91
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In article <91205.15...@CUNYVM.BITNET> F3...@CUNYVM.BITNET writes:
"I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries....but they weren't
included....so I had to buy them again. I had parked in the tow-away
zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone."

--
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Greg Martin gma...@cs.umr.edu The opinions expressed above are mine *
* "I sing the hypotenuse, sweeping and only mine. *
* square of the other sides" - T'Vau, How Much For Just the Planet *

Jeff Martin

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Jul 25, 1991, 3:02:38 AM7/25/91
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In article <1991Jul25.0...@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu>, jlw4...@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (hyUUUUUK!) writes...

>In article <91205.15...@CUNYVM.BITNET> F3...@CUNYVM.BITNET writes:
>>Are there any fans of Steven Wright humor out there?
>

"I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time."

-----------------
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President,
and that one word is 'to be prepared.'
--- Vice President Dan Quayle
-----------------

lav...@csgrad.cs.vt.edu

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Jul 25, 1991, 9:08:17 AM7/25/91
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"I got a dog and named him `Stay'. Now, I go `Come here, Stay!' After a
while the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all."
--
_______________________________________________________________________
Joseph W. Lavinus, Virginia Tech email: lav...@csgrad.cs.vt.edu
"You can't do that in horizontal mode." -- TeX error message

Jerry Freter

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Jul 25, 1991, 10:53:01 AM7/25/91
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I remember


"I spilled Spot Remover on my dog....Now he's gone."


J.D.

Bernie

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Jul 25, 1991, 11:00:18 AM7/25/91
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I have a map of the United States, it says scale: 1 mile =1
mile

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2"
taller.

I put instant coffee in the microwave and nearly went back in
time.

I made wine out of grapes so I wouldn't have to wait for it to
age.


::::::::::::::::::::::::\ / Bernie T. Kuo --
:bt...@remus.rutgers.edu > ' I just gotta be me ' < Rutgers University ===
::::::::::::::::::::::::/ \ New Brunswick, NJ --

SCOOP-meister

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Jul 25, 1991, 12:43:51 PM7/25/91
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In article <1991Jul25.0...@world.std.com> la...@world.std.com (Larry Appleman) writes:
>In article <1991Jul24.2...@mcs.anl.gov> cur...@achilles.ctd.anl.gov (Jeffrey Curtis ) writes:
>>I think one of the best things [Steven Wright] does is
>>his entrance - walks out, picks up the mic, looks around, walks around the
>>stage, listens to the crowd.. and.. "Thanks." (said as dully as possible).
>
>Did you see Steven Wright at last year's Academy Awards, accepting an Oscar
>for his short film? After his name was announced, he slowly walked up to the
>podium, stood there a moment, and then . . . he DIDN'T say "Thanks"!
>
Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier....
I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.


I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.....
I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.


Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time...

..........................Thanks (said as dully as possible)
the SCOOP-meister

Ty Sarna

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Jul 25, 1991, 2:26:42 PM7/25/91
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In article <1991Jul25....@watdragon.waterloo.edu> kwfrac...@dahlia.waterloo.edu (SCOOP-meister) writes:
>Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time...

You forgot the punchline to this one!

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the

same time. I think I've forgotten this before."

--
Ty Sarna | "Finally, I made what they call a half-hearted
| suicide attempt. I tried to slash me wrists
sar...@b8.cs.rpi.edu | with a tomato" -- Alexi Sayle

Fluffy the Wonder Bunny

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Jul 25, 1991, 2:46:16 PM7/25/91
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In article <Jul.25.11.00....@remus.rutgers.edu> bt...@remus.rutgers.edu ( Bernie) writes:
>I made wine out of grapes so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
^^^^^^
Shouldn't this read RAISINS instead of grapes?

OBFollowup:
"This is my impression of bowling"
(takes the microphone, runs it along the floor making it sound like
a bowling ball rolling down an alley, then stops)
"Gutter"

"I like to skate on the other side of the ice."

"My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out
of my yard or I'll throw it at them."

"One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash
on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty
pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my
house."


========================= Fluffy the Wonder Bunny ============================
"I think you're pretty tough, don't I?"
"Ho! Ha-ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! *boing*
"Consequences Shmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
-Daffy Duck
==================== cadesj...@dahlia.waterloo.edu ========================

Jeffrey Curtis

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Jul 25, 1991, 2:29:15 PM7/25/91
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> I made wine out of grapes so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
^^^^^^

That's what most people do. Oh, maybe you meant *raisins*.. B^)

--
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
+ Jeffrey S. Curtis cur...@achilles.ctd.anl.gov (708)972-2907 B41801 AT ANLVM +
* Computing and Telecommunications, Argonne National Laboratory *
+ "The opinions expressed above are mine only. Who else would want them?!" +
*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*

Brian Korinek

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Jul 25, 1991, 4:17:47 PM7/25/91
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>
> I made wine out of grapes so I wouldn't have to wait for it to
> age ^^^^^^
|
Ain't this supposed to be raisins?????????

Bri

--
############################################################################
# Brian Korinek "What I need is a strong drink
# B...@dptspd.sat.datapoint.com and a peer group."
############################################################################

Andrew A. Bennett

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Jul 25, 1991, 5:33:35 PM7/25/91
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One night on Letterman:

There was a light switch in my old apartment that didn't seem to do anything.
Every night I flicked it on and off, just to see...

A week later a woman from Czeckloslovakia called and told me to cut it out.

-Drew

Matt Stuemky

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Jul 25, 1991, 3:40:47 PM7/25/91
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sarnat@rpicsb8 (Ty Sarna) writes:

>In article <1991Jul25....@watdragon.waterloo.edu> kwfrac...@dahlia.waterloo.edu (SCOOP-meister) writes:
>>Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time...

>You forgot the punchline to this one!

>"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the
> same time. I think I've forgotten this before."

Another one (old): "I lost a button hole around here..."

Jim Lamb

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Jul 26, 1991, 6:50:18 AM7/26/91
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"I once put a humidifier and a dehumidifier in the same room and let them
fight it out"

"I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice"
--
****************************************************************************
* Jim R. Lamb | "There is no such thing as pain. It is all pychological." *
****************************************************************************

James D. Solomon

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Jul 26, 1991, 10:32:16 AM7/26/91
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Two of my favorites (from memory, perhaps not 100% accurate):

"I'd like to get a humidifier and a de-humidifier, put 'em in a room, and
let 'em fight it out!"

"Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper
they'd be if that didn't happen."

- Jim Solomon (sol...@becks.comm.mot.com)

SCOOP-meister

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Jul 26, 1991, 8:13:54 PM7/26/91
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(some omitted....) ....the judge asked: "what do you plead?" I said "insanity.
your honour, who in their right mind would park in the
passing lane?"


-the SCOOP meister

Leads Network News

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Jul 27, 1991, 2:02:28 AM7/27/91
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"I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit
here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going
that far.'".
=============================================================================
Bob Marshall ^ \\
Lockheed Missiles & Space Co. |L| \\ Marshall's Theorem :
Sunnyvale, CA |M| \\ "2 + 2 approximately equals 5 for
(408)756-5737 |S| \\ large values of 2"
mars...@force.decnet.lockheed.com |C| \\
/ \ \\
=============================================================================

Alan Silverstein

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Jul 26, 1991, 12:34:11 PM7/26/91
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Here's a long collection. I'll add in the new ones posted in this string.

Some amusing Steve Wright sayings, from various sources, some
from memory, in random order.

Last updated: 900920

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it
said, "Wish you were here."

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

"Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't
going to be on the road an hour."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of
widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
___________________________________

From: ro...@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)
Date: 22 Jan 1990
Subject: fake Steven Wright jokes [original; edited]
Newsgroups: rec.humor

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to
a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you
want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if
I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a
dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called
someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go
up the stairs.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm
Narcissus.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that
all the time.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars".
___________________________________

From: ro...@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt)
Date: 27 Jan 1990
Subject: fake Steven Wright jokes [original; edited]
Newsgroups: rec.humor

The sky already fell. Now what?

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure
enough, I couldn't see any forests.

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
fan club?

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you
notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
apartment somewhere.

Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet
when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and
falls on the floor.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what
for?"

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in
only ten minutes.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes
bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch
light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
"What are you making?" "A salt lick."

There aren't enough days in the weekend.
___________________________________

Date: 29 Jan 90
From: ro...@mentor.com (Rod Schmidt) [original; edited]
To: a...@hpfcajs.hp.com

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets
have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through
wallpaper.

Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put
something on.

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
monkey?

if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
joke?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a
two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to
Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.
It told me it was none of my business.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had
to give it back.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on
doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
found spirit gum.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not
for sale."

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates
New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and
returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it
out, it was gone.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The
headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half
of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
______________

Here are my categories, with examples (his):

ENGLISH:

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot
today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had
a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't
notice until I got it set up. People complained because they
couldn't see the lake.

WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

SELF:

I can't stop thinking like this.

This isn't all true.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like
that all the time.

NAAAHH:

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

TRIVIALIZATION:

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They
lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and
took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did
you think?"

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or
numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it
was. You can guess what he told me.
______________

And here's one from are...@cvl.umd.edu (Andrew Arensburger):

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX
collect.

And from cth@hpfcso (CT Hart):

What are imitation rhinestones?

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Jim Buja

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Jul 25, 1991, 2:47:52 PM7/25/91
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--

Steven Wright -- from Johnny Carson Show

I remember going from 1 year old to 2 years old and I got real
scared -- my age doubled. I thought, if this keeps up by the time

I'm six I'll be ninety.

All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last nite. I
was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a
gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down
the street on a purple wooden horse.

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved
roads.

Doin' a little work around the house. Putting hardwood floors
over wall-to wall carpeting. I put fake brick wallpaper over a
real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People
come over and I'm gonna say Go ahead, touch it .. it feels real.

I have paintings on the walls of the rooms above them, just so
I'll never have to go upstairs.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call
I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet
store -- Gimme another ten guppies I got a lotta calls yesterday.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I
go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Are There any questions ????

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the
world.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.

I was watching the superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The
team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He
thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game HE was watching was better.

My school colors were clear. I'm not naked I'm in the band.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I owed my friend George 25 dollars. For about three weeks I owed
it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know
it. Walkin' through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got
held up. He said gimme all your money. I said, Wait a minute. I
said, George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you. The the thief took
a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to
George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from
George.

*** END ***

Bob N Keenan

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Jul 29, 1991, 9:07:06 PM7/29/91
to
In article <4...@motto.UUCP> kr...@motto.UUCP (Kris Nayar) writes:
(about Steven Wright):
>
>Heard this on Carson, few years ago:
>
>If your going 186,000 miles an hour and you decide to turn your
>head lights on, what happens? -Steven Wright
>
Just in case anyone who reads this, and then goes on JEOPARDY - You would
not want to get the 'answer' to "what is the speed of light?" wrong....
Light travels at 186,000 miles per SECOND not hour...
(thats 3 * 10^8 meter/second) .... just incase... :-)

-bob

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ Bob N. Keenan | DISCLAIMER?? I don't even KNOW HER!!
~ University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee |
~ b...@csd4.csd.uwm.edu |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kris Nayar

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Jul 29, 1991, 11:26:37 AM7/29/91
to
In article <91205.15...@CUNYVM.BITNET> f3...@cunyvm.UUCP writes:
>Are there any fans of Steven Wright humor out there?
>
>If there are,could you post up some of his jokes?
>
>Al
>

Heard this on Carson, few years ago:

If your going 186,000 miles an hour and you decide to turn your
head lights on, what happens? -Steven Wright


=========================================================================
Kris Nayar
Communications Division, Motorola Canada Ltd, Toronto
Internet: kr...@motto.UUCP
=========================================================================

Michael W. Burden

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Jul 29, 1991, 12:05:35 AM7/29/91
to

No, no... you got the ending all wrong! It's, "now he just ignores me
and keeps typing."


--
+----------------------------------------------------+------------------------+
|"Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...| Mike Burden |
|only MUCH better!" -- Laurie Anderson |sharkey!wybbs.mi.org!mwb|
+----------------------------------------------------+------------------------+

Michael W. Burden

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Jul 29, 1991, 12:04:03 AM7/29/91
to
In article <1991Jul25.1...@eagle.lerc.nasa.gov> xxm...@lims02.lerc.nasa.gov writes:
>In article <1991Jul25.0...@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu>, jlw4...@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (hyUUUUUK!) writes...
>>In article <91205.15...@CUNYVM.BITNET> F3...@CUNYVM.BITNET writes:
>>>Are there any fans of Steven Wright humor out there?
>>
>
>"I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time."
>
>-----------------
[.sig deleted]

I came home and accidentally put my car keys in the door and the house
started up... so I drove it around the block a few times. I got stopped
by a cop... he asked me where I lived... I said "Here." Later, I parked
it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars "Get out of my
driveway!"

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"

I like to skate on the other side of the ice... I like to reminice with
people I don't know...

etc.


Steven Wright is one of the three best commedians around today (The other
two are Bill Cosby and Gallegher). All three are great because they
are HILLARIOUS without being at all vulgar!

John H. Merritt

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Jul 30, 1991, 10:09:52 AM7/30/91
to
I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I washed mud, off of mud.

I took a baby shower.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got
a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but
every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the
guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"

When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first;
I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that
week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points
was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

I couldn't find the remote, to the remote.

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...

John H. Merritt --> mer...@climate.gsfc.nasa.gov
Applied Research Corporation at NASA/GSFC
"I am generally intolerant of ignorance,
but I have made an exception in your case."

Ross Allan Roberts

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Jul 30, 1991, 11:45:38 AM7/30/91
to
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he gan get
me five.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?'
'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...'

#############################################################################
#Ross Roberts (rrob...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu)|'85 IT200, '81 MX100 #
#DoD#0340, still patiently awaiting the 6ooF2... |'88 YFM350 Warrior #
#---------------------4-stroke good, 2-stroke gooder!---------------------- #
# Today's Lyric: 'Elvis is Dead...' :Living Colour #
#############################################################################

Joao Moreno Colaco Geada

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Jul 30, 1991, 8:30:57 AM7/30/91
to
There is a thin line between fishing and standing on
the shore looking like an idiot.

---

SENDER : Joao Geada, PHONE : +44 91 222 8067
POST : Computing Laboratory, The University, Newcastle Upon Tyne, UK, NE1 7RU
JANET : J.M.C...@uk.ac.newcastle
ARPA : J.M.C...@newcastle.ac.uk

Erik Lode

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Jul 30, 1991, 10:05:59 AM7/30/91
to
m...@wybbs.mi.org (Michael W. Burden) writes:

> Steven Wright is one of the three best commedians around today (The other
> two are Bill Cosby and Gallegher). All three are great because they
> are HILLARIOUS without being at all vulgar!

Gallagher is funny, but he is vulgar at times. However, he does have
the talent to recognize that humor is not a dribble of profanity. (Now
if only the Comedy Works performers would get this . . .)

For funny but not vulgar, I would recommend Rita Rudner and Mark
McCullem (sp?).

tisc...@zodiac.rutgers.edu

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Jul 30, 1991, 9:17:29 PM7/30/91
to
In article <4...@motto.UUCP>, kr...@motto.UUCP (Kris Nayar) writes:
> In article <91205.15...@CUNYVM.BITNET> f3...@cunyvm.UUCP writes:
>>Are there any fans of Steven Wright humor out there?
>
> If your going 186,000 miles an hour and you decide to turn your
> head lights on, what happens? -Steven Wright
>
Oh my God... It's almost hard to believe that's actually a Steven Wright line.
I've seen the same EXACT question in fifty physics books. (Well, they used
kilometers per second, but that's nothing.)

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the
beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.... -Steven Wright

--
* THIS SPACE FOR RENT!!! *
* Imagine YOUR ad reaching THOUSANDS of USENET readers! *
* For details contact Jason Tiscione, tisc...@zodiac.rutgers.edu *

Mike Allard

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Jul 31, 1991, 3:01:47 PM7/31/91
to
More Steve.

"I spilled spot remover on my dog... now he's gone."

"I moved into my new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall...
it didn't do anything. Once in a while, I'd walk by it and just flip it...
Three weeks ago, I got a letter from a lady in Germany... saying 'Cut it
out.'"

"Having sex with Rachel is like going to a concert. She yells a lot...
throws frisbees around the room... and when she wants more, she lights a
match."

"I'm feeling kinda hyper..."

"And now, my imitation of bowling: [imitation of a ball rolling down a
lane, which abruptly stops after about 3 seconds] .... gutter."

--
Mike Allard, Applied Computing Devices, Inc. *** Standard Disclaimer is in
KA9VDC <m...@acd4.acd.com> | <uunet!acd4!mja> *** effect. Nodoby agrees with
"6 Cokes a Day Keeps the Drowsies Away!" -me *** any of my opinions anyway.
"Mmmm... I just *love* the smell of fusing engine parts!" -RMA, 2 quarts low

hyUUUUUK!

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Jul 31, 1991, 4:49:37 PM7/31/91
to


They are GREAT! Also, has anyone ever heard of Peter Gaulke (sp?)

Joni Johnson

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Jul 31, 1991, 6:25:59 PM7/31/91
to
Please, if someone (and I know you're out there!) is collecting the Wright-isms,
could you please send me a copy? I haven't seen Steve Wright for ages and
these quotes are wonderful therapy.

Ob. Joke: If Helen Keller fell in the forest and there was no one there to
hear her, would she make a sound?

--
-------------------------------------------------------------
j...@ccadfa.cc.adfa.oz.au
"A smile, two bangs, and a religion"
-I speak for no one but myself (except when I'm channeling).-

Mr. Schneidewend

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Aug 1, 1991, 12:13:08 PM8/1/91
to
>> If your going 186,000 miles an hour and you decide to turn your
>> head lights on, what happens? -Steven Wright

The answer is the exect same thing that happens when you turn
your headlights on at 60 MPH. 186,000 miles an hour is 3600
times slower than the speed of light and in the ballpark
of the speed interplanetary probes reach :-}

Chris Bovitz

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Aug 1, 1991, 11:04:47 AM8/1/91