Canonical List Of Business and Sales Humor 2/4
Too Live Krewe
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The Corporate Structure And Performance Levels
Chairman Of The Board
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
President
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch
engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is
calm. Talks to God.
Executive Vice President
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as
powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in
an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if special request is approved.
Vice President
Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a
speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
General Manager
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a
locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog
paddles. Talks to animals.
Manager
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not
issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.
Trainee
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says "look at the
choo-choo". Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles
to himself.
Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a
single glance. She is God.
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How To Evaluate Personnel For Consideration For Job Or Performance
-Degree of Performance-
1 - Far Exceeds Job Requirements
2 - Exceeds Job Requirements
3 - Meets Job Requirements
4 - Needs Improvement
5 - Does Not Meet Minimal Requirements
Area Of Performance
-------------------
Quality Of Work
___ 1 - Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
___ 2 - Leaps tall buildings with a running start
___ 3 - Can leap a short building if prodded
___ 4 - Bumps into building
___ 5 - Cannot recognize buildings
-------------------
Promptness
___ 1 - Is faster than a speeding bullet
___ 2 - Is a fast as a speeding bullet.
___ 3 - Would you believe a slow bullet?
___ 4 - Misfires frequently
___ 5 - Wounds self when handling guns
-------------------
Initiative
___ 1 - Is stronger than a locomotive
___ 2 - Is as strong as a bull elephant
___ 3 - Almost as strong as a bull
___ 4 - Shoots the bull
___ 5 - Smells like a bull
-------------------
Adaptability
___ 1 - Walks on water
___ 2 - Keeps head above water under stress
___ 3 - Washes with water
___ 4 - Drinks water
___ 5 - Passes water in emergencies
-------------------
Communication
___ 1 - Talks to God
___ 2 - Talks with Angles
___ 3 - Talks to himself
___ 4 - Argues with himself
___ 5 - Loses arguments with himself
-= office humor =-= 27 =------------------------------------------------------
Ride My Ass
To Whom It May Concern:
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the
maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time, unless I install
hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass
today, please take a number and wait your turn.
Thank You.
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Sayings Involving The F Word
fubar fucked up beyond all recognition/repair
snafu situation normal, all fucked up
fubab fucked up beyond all belief
fumtu fucked up more than usual
tarfu things are really fucked up
figmo fuck it, got my orders
janfu joint army-navy fuckup. (When American troops get shelled by their own
side, in this case involving both the army and the navy. Very
popular in Viet-Nam. There are a whole slew of these involving the
various combinations of services.)
gfu general fuck-up
samfu self-adjusting military fuck-up
sapfu surpassing all previous fuck-ups
susfu situation unchanged, still fucked-up
WOFTAM Waste Of Fucking Time And Money
hua Head up ass
hwua Head way up ass
RTFM Read the Fucking Manual
-= office humor =-= 29 =------------------------------------------------------
Abusive Language
Management wishes to bring to the attention of all personnel the fact that
some individuals have been using abusive language in the exchange of normal
verbal communications relative to the performance of routine activites on the
premises. This practice must cease immediately.
The following coded list is provided to permit individual freedom of
expression and allow all the outlets of frustration in a clear, concise manner.
It will prove a very effective tool, and if employed properly, will offend no
one with delicate ears.
To prevent mistaking these communication codes with department numbers and/or
telephone extensions, management has assigned the 800 and 900 series numbers to
be utilized for your convenience and clarity.
801 You gotta be shitting me 831 It won't fucking work
802 Get off my fucking back 832 Go pound sand in your ass
803 Beats the shit out of me 833 Fuck off
804 What the fuck 834 Who called this fucking meeting?
805 It's so fucking bad I can't 835 Fucked up beyond repair
believe it 836 Adios, mother fucker
806 I hate this fucking place 837 Idiot, you don't know your ass from
807 This place sucks first base.
808 Fuck you very much 838 No shit
809 Lovely, simply fucking lovely 839 No fucking shit
810 That damn club 900 Unbefuckingly believable.
811 Damn fuck shit piss 901 Cool it, this is my wife/husband,
812 Get bent keep your mouth shut.
813 Kiss my ass, buddy 902 Take your time, I don't want to be
814 I really don't give a shit stuck with this ass for lunch
815 Fuck it, I'm on salary 903 Help me unload this mother
816 Stick it in your fucking ear 904 Hey baby, let's ball at lunch
817 Piss on the whole fucking project 905 I'm free tonight
818 Fuck it, just plain fuck it 906 Tied up with wife/husband tonight.
819 Hot shit 907 My wife/husband is out of town
820 Hot fucking shit 908 Let's take off sick together
821 Bitchin' 909 Meet you at the motel
822 Tell someone who gives a shit 910 Let's trade fucking partners
823 Don't get so fucking wise 911 Sorry honey, but it's that time
824 I don't give a fuck, so there 912 Will she or won't she?
825 Fuck you in the heart, Jack 913 Will he or won't he?
826 !*&#$%*!, you son of a bitch 914 B.O.B. (Buzz off, bitch)
827 Whatever you say, asshole 915 Answer the fucking phone
828 Who the fuck was that? 916 I'm not a fucking machine
829 What the fuck was that? 917 It's not my fucking job
830 Fuck you too
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Genesis Of Shit - The Plan (ver. 1)
In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying "it is a crock of shit, and it stinketh"
and the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth "it is a pail of dung and
none may abide the odor thereof"
and the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "it is a
container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by
it",
and the managers went unto their directors and sayeth, "it is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength",
and the directors spake amongst themselves, saying one to another, "it contains
that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong",
and the directors went unto the vice presidents to sayeth unto them, "it
promotes growth and is very powerful",
and the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him, "this new
plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, in
these areas in particular",
and the president looked upon the plan,
and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy.
This is how shit happens.
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The Plan (ver. 2)
In the beginning was the plan, but the plan was without form:
And man created the procedure.
Darkness was on the face of the employees
And they were sore afraid.
And they looked upon their supervisors and cried:
"It is a crock of dung stinking to high Heaven!"
And the supervisors spake unto the project administrators, saying:
"It is a bucket of manure and intolerably malodorous."
And the project administrators spake unto the section managers saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer and exceedingly strong."
And the section managers spake unto the department directors, saying:
"It promoteth growth and is very powerful."
And the department directors spake unto the company president, saying:
"This powerful new procedure will promote growth and efficiency."
And the company president looked down on the procedure...
and it was Good!
And that is why Shit Happens.
- Anonymous
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The Plan (ver. 3)
The Strategic Planning
In the beginning was the Plan, and then the Assumptions:
And the Plan was without form and the Assumptions were void:
And the darkness was upon the faces of the implementers:
And the spake unto their Manager saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh,"
And the Manager went to the Area Manager, and the spake unto him saying:
"It is a crock of excrement, and none may abide the odor thereof,"
And the Area Manager went to the Vice-President, and he spake unto him, saying:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may
abide before it,"
And the Vice-President went to the Senior Vice-President and he spake unto him,
saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength,"
And the Senior Vice-President went to the Executive Vice-President and he spake
unto him, saying:
"It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful,"
And the President and Chief Operating Officer went before the Chairman of the
Board and Chief Executive Officer, and they spake unto them, saying:
"This powerful new Plan will promote the Growth of the Company,"
And the Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer looked upon the Plan,
and saw that it was good....
And so it is written.
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The Plan (ver. 4)
The Project
In the beginning was the project, and then the assumptions and the project was
without form and the assumptions were void and the darkness was upon the faces
of the implementors, and they spake unto their manager, saying: "its a crock of
shit, and it stinketh"
and the manager went to the 2nd level manager, and he spake unto him, saying:
"It's a crock of excrement, and none may abide the odor thereof."
and the 2nd level manager went to the 3rd level manager, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none
may abide before it."
and the 3rd level manager went to the headquarters director and he spake unto
him saying: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
and the director went to the division vice president, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
and the vice president went to the division president, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful."
and the division president went before the executive board, and he spake unto
them, saying: "This powerful new project will promote the growth of the company"
and the executive board looked upon the project,
and saw it was good
-= office humor =-= 34 =------------------------------------------------------
Rest Room Policy
To: All Employees
Subj: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under
informal guidelines. Effective January 1, 1990, a Restroom Trip Policy will be
established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each
employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of employees.
Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee.
The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip credit of
twenty (20) trips. Restroom Trip credits can be accumulated from month to
month.
Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel
identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices.
Before the end of December, each employee must provide two copies of voice
prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Material Department. The voice
print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the month
of January. Employees should acquaint themselves with the station during that
period.
If the employee's Restroom Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom
will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In
addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper toll
retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm
will sound. Thirty (30) seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will
retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If
the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the Distribution Center Bulletin Boards.
Anyone's picture showing up three (3) times will be immediately terminated. If
you have any questions about this policy, please ask your immediate supervisor.
They have all received advance instruction.
Thank you and have a nice day,
The Boss
Tb/bts
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Additional Training
It is now and always has been the policy of this department to assure its
students that they are well educated. Through our Special High Intensity
Training program (SHIT), we have given our students more SHIT than any other
college in the area.
If any student feels that he or she could advance to another college by
taking more SHIT, see the department chairperson.
Our teachers are specially trained to assure that students will get all the
SHIT that they can handle.
Any individual who feels he or she has nor received sufficient Special High
Intensity Training, tell your teacher, so he/she can put you at the top of the
SHIT list.
Management
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Special Training
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work
possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our
program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are giving our
employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in town.
If you feel you do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your supervisor. You will immediately be placed on top of the
S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the
S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested
in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture
List, Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L. - S.H.I.T) program
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of
Training - Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T - S.H.I.T) program.
Thank you,
Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. - S.H.I.T)
P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily
become the Director of Intensity Programming - Special High Intensity Training
(D.I.P. - S.H.I.T).
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Employee Professional Improvement Courses (EPIC) for 1994.
E100 Molding Your Employee's Behavior Through Guilt & Fear
E103 Eye Avoidance Techniques
E104 The Primal Shrug
E110 Overcoming Peace of Mind
E155 Cross-Dressing for Success
E200 Career Opportunities in El Salvador
E309 Slide Rule Shortcuts
E404 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
E451 "I made $100 in Real Estate!"
E520 Creative Suffering
EB42 Whine Your Way to Higher Pay
EB59 How to Profit From Your Own Body
EB94 Underachiever's Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
EC13 Bonsai Your Pet
EC22 Communication Through Tap Dance
EC83 Christianity & the Art of RV Maintenance
EC77 Sinus Drainage in the Office
EF69 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
EC77 Ego Gratification Through Violence
EF93 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense & Ostentation
EH99 Biofeedback & How to Stop
EH12 Suicide & Your Health
EH23 How to Convert Your Office into a Garage
EH41 Money Can Make You Rich
EH58 High Fiber Sex
EJ33 Creative Tooth Decay
EJ56 The Joys of Hypochondria
EJ78 Looter's Guide to American Cities
EH12 How to Draw Genitalia
EH12 The Repair & Maintenance of Your Virginity
EM19 Gifts for the Senile
EB42 Burglarproof Your Home in Concrete
EX14 Guilt Without Sex
-= office humor =-= 38 =------------------------------------------------------
Qualification Test
Your man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in
Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon
completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager
went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American
the job"
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct.
This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the
question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You
put down "Neither do I." :^)
-= office humor =-= 39 =------------------------------------------------------
Those That Become Managers
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who
don't know. Those who know, they're no problem. Those who don't know are also
in two groups. One is those who don't know, and know they don't know. Well,
they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they
don't know. And they become unit managers!
-= office humor =-= 40 =------------------------------------------------------
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to
listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed
uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."
-= office humor =-= 41 =------------------------------------------------------
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late
for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do
something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him
to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in
the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked !"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
-= office humor =-= 42 =------------------------------------------------------
Who To Lay Off?
Jack and Jill are both vice-presidents of the same company. One Friday, the
president and CEO of the company calls them both into his office. "The company
is going through some rough times right now", the president began. "We're
having to cut costs where we can, and, as much as it I hate to do this, the
company cannot afford two vice-presidents, so I will have to let one of you go.
You are both equally qualified and do your jobs well so I can't find any
criteria on which to base this decision. What I will do is lay off the first
one of you to leave your desk on Monday."
Monday morning, the boss is there early, looking out his inter-office window
waiting for his two vice presidents. Jack arrives almost 10 minutes early,
flips through his rolodex and starts to make some phone calls. Jill had been
out partying the night before, so she arrives right at 8, sits at her desk, and
starts reading some documents and making notes. The two work for a couple of
hours, but Jill is kind of hung over, so she gets up from her desk, goes to the
water cooler and takes some aspirin.
The boss sees this, and goes to the water cooler to talk to Jill. "Jill," he
says, "You left your desk."
"Yeah, so?" Jill replies.
"Don't you remember the meeting on Friday?" the boss says. "We need to cut
costs and I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"So jack-off," says Jill, "I've got a headache."
-= office humor =-= 43 =------------------------------------------------------
Innovators & Copiers
And this was being passed around at Xerox:
I received a flyer yesterday advertising a workshop on INNOVATIVE management,
qualifying itself with the following quote from someone who clearly knows
something about technology I don't:
"It is a tragedy in our society that we have so few innovators, and so many
copiers."
-= office humor =-= 44 =------------------------------------------------------
Japanese Management Lecture
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one
American, were on their way to an international business conference when they
were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,"
screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have
any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by
singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing
"The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the
lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is YOUR last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to
listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"
-= office humor =-= 45 =------------------------------------------------------
Memorandum
To: All Employees
Since productivity has not increased since the implementation of the 7-day work
week, the stoppage of all company health and retirement plans, the 20% pay cut,
the 10-year pay freeze, the installation of video cameras in company restrooms,
the hiring of the corporate truant officers to check up on all employees calling
in sick, and the random drug and dirty underwear screenings, management has
decided that the beatings and mandatory self-flagellations will continue until
morale improves.
-= office humor =-= 46 =------------------------------------------------------
Retirement Gift
When Willie retired from the railway after 50 years' service, the company
presented him with an old coach to keep in his garden as a memento.
One wet day, his friends found him sitting on the step of the coach, smoking
his pipe with an old sack over his shoulders to keep out the rain.
"Hullo, Willie," said his pals, "why are ye no' inside on a day like this?"
"Can ye no' see," replied Willie, with a nod toward the coach. "They sent me
a non-smoker!"
-= office humor =-= 47 =------------------------------------------------------
Retirement Policy #1
To: All personnel
From: Corporate Headquarters
Subj: New Retirement Plan
As part of our corporate-wide cost reduction efforts, we are going to reduce our
number of personnel by means of a new retirement plan. Managers are being
mailed a package containing all of the details; the highlights are presented
here.
Under the Plan, older employees will go on Early Retirement, thus permitting us
to retain the younger people who represent our future.
The program, which will be placed into effect immediately, will phase out all
the older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. The program shall be
known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)
Employees who are being RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs
within the company, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a
review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This
phase of the Plan is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers).
All employees who are being RAPEd and SCREWed are eligible for a trial review by
higher management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination.)
The provisions of the Plan dictate that employees may be RAPEd once and SCREWed
twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
Employees fulfilling the above requirements of the Plan are entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service). HERPES is
considered a bonus plan, since employees who have HERPES will no longer be RAPEd
or SCREWed by the company.
It is now, and always has been, the policy of the company to assure that
employees are well-trained. To accomplish this, a new program called SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) will be put into effect. With this program, we
will now be able to give our employees more SHIT than any other company.
If an employee feels that he or she is not getting enough SHIT on the job, or
that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see
your manager.
Our management people are specially trained to see to it that you will get all
the SHIT you can stand.
-= office humor =-= 48 =------------------------------------------------------
Retirement Policy #2
Memorandum
To: All Personnel
Subj: New Retirement Policy
As a result of the reduction in money budgeting for division purposes, we are
working to cut down our number of personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year via early retirement will be placed into effect immediately. The
program shall be known as RAPE (Retired Aged Personnel - Early).
Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within
the corporation, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a review
of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of
the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may also apply for a trial review,
called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Program policy dictates employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may
get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.
The Management
-= office humor =-= 49 =------------------------------------------------------
Commuting for the beginner.
In this hurly-burly world of Inter-City travel, there are few things that
warm a worker's heart more than the prospect of commuting. It is a safe bet to
place that at some time during your working lives, you will all have to commute
(in fact, the mathematicians amongst you will have been doing this already for
some time).
Commuting in its very simplest essence is a journey from home to work, and
back again. This simple description, however, does not convey the full joy that
can be had from commuting. A typical enjoyable commuting day (and it can take a
whole day just to commute) may begin as follows:
6.30am Wake up. Actually, this is totally wrong, because at that time, you're
not capable of waking up. What a pity somebody didn't tell your alarm clock
this! All that you are physically capable of doing is hitting the snooze button.
7.05am This is the time when you typically find that it wasn't the snooze
button that you hit, but that tiny little switch that turns the alarm mechanism
off. Well, I say this is the time that you find it, but in fact it's just the
time that your alarm clock tells you. What you find out when you switch the
radio on, is that there was a power cut for half an hour, and the time is now
7.30am The time in the morning when the bed-clothes ricochet off one wall of
the room, and lie crumpled in a heap daring you to waste enough time to make the
bed before you go out. Also the time when you discover you don't have enough
co-ordination to open your bedroom door, nor can you remember whether said door
pushes or pulls. Immediately you work this out, it is
7.40am Having spent ten minutes trying to wrestle the door back onto its
hinges, you achieve terminal velocity trying to come to terms with stairs. Quite
probably you would have broken your neck, if the ground hadn't broken your fall.
You lie dazed and stunned outside the shower, next to the toilet. It is at this
time that you make the first decision of your working day - which to enter
first. You know that should you enter the shower first, you will spend most of
your time knotting your legs as the running water cascades off your body,
already full of liquid from the night before. So, you choose the loo. Again,
this is a bad move, as you discover when it's
7.45am You enter the shower, set it to the required temperature. Immediately
you turn the water on, scalding hot needles pierce the thin fabric of your skin.
Obviously you have set the shower too hot. It is now time to play the
thermodynamic equilibrium game. Can you balance the hot/cold settings of the
shower, playing against the combined enemies of the cistern refilling, the
dishwasher hot-rinsing, and the kettle being filled? Bear in mind also that the
water takes some eight to ten seconds to register the changes you have made at
the taps. It is like trying to juggle three red hot pokers with both hands tied
behind your back, and your jaws wired together. Finally, after your refreshing
shower, it's
7.55am and time for that most invigorating of activities - the early morning
shave. Firstly, don't give in to that temptation to shave your tongue - it may
feel as though it's covered in more dense fur than the whole of David Bellamy,
but just wait till you clean your teeth! (when it'll feel as though your tongue
is a cross between King Kong and a Wrigley's chewing gum factory). Having
decided that it's the external part of the face you're going to shave, you
choose your weapon. Five minutes later, staggering from loss of blood, a female
voice comes through the door asking if it was alright to use your last razor the
previous night. And finally, the after-shave. Breathe in, grit your teeth, and
throw a quarter of the bottle in the vague direction of your chin. Done? Good,
now let go of the light fitting, and exit the bathroom.
8.10am And you finally realize that you're going to be far too late for the
train. Unless you miss breakfast. But your stomach and brain haven't got this
one sorted out yet. You try for the compromise, and it is five minutes later
that we find you sat on the bus, looking for all the world like an advert for
Kellogg's Crunchy Nuts.
8.20am Says the platform clock, although the trains seem to be disagreeing. A
voice comes over the tannoy, and the clarity amazes you - you can hear every
word the announcer says. Hear, yes - understand, no. What it sounds like he is
saying is "The train now stoning at platten fumf is for Lun Woo. Caw at Beran,
Renpa, Newman, Women, Early, Clam Jun, Vall, and Lun Walloon.", and all spoken
with clarity of a Dalek sucking a throat pastille. This announcement would be
fine and dandy if it weren't for the computerized tannoy man immediately
following this announcement. According to him, "The train now at platform one
is for London Waterloo only. We apologize for the delay which was caused by a
squirrel waving to the driver just outside Hampton Court." Even the excuses are
randomized by British Rail's computers nowadays.
As the train pulls up to the platform, it's time for the first two favourite
commuting games!
1) Is it my train?
Tricky one this - the best way of finding out is to play logic games with the
guard, along the lines of "If I asked the other guard, would he say this was the
train I don't want to get on?" However, the only blue-suited demons around are
up the other end of the track, trying to stop some old lady from feeding the
trains with breadcrumbs. Seasoned commuters at this point look around them to
see the reaction of everyone else. If you see someone moving that you think you
recognize, but can never remember being introduced to them, it's probably
because they catch the same train as you. Follow them.
2) Where will my carriage stop?
Well, that all depends on what type of train it is, how good the driver's
reactions are, whether he's passed his cycling proficiency test or not, and how
shocked he was by the squirrel outside Hampton Court. Suffice it to say that
what stops opposite you will be one of the following three things:
a) the guard's van. The guard values his privacy and is unlikely to let you
on.
b) the first class compartment. Unless you own your own company (and
preferably British Rail at that), you can forget being allowed in here. It has
stricter entry requirements than Eton - you have to put your name down for a
seat before you're conceived, and you have to do that in person.
c) the smoking compartment. 'Nuff said.
So, it's that old favourite, running up the track to find the only
non-smoking compartment with a seat in it, only to find that it's covered in
some clean, bright, new chewing gum. It is at this point that fun enters into
the entire proceedings, as we play the third game.
3) Stare 'em out.
This game has its roots in primitive psychology, and is designed to put you
completely at ease, while the rest of the compartment decide that you're some
kind of dangerous lunatic.
Choose a person at random - preferably a very attractive member of the
opposite sex, as it makes what you're about to do so much easier. Now stare at
them. After a very short while indeed, you will find them trying to sneak
surreptitious glances at you to check whether you're still watching them. Each
time they look up at you, smile at them as though you've just noticed that they
have a traffic cone on their head, but you're being too polite to mention it.
If you ever wanted to know what a person with accute paranoia looks like, just
keep watching.
Finally, before you know it, you're making an unscheduled stop. Sirens are
blaring, and somebody somewhere is frantically thumping on a door. This doesn't
mean anyone wants to get out - these are the guys with the stretcher who want to
get in. Unfortunately, the man with the heart-attack is in first-class, who
aren't going to let the ambulance men in until they can be taught to say please
properly.
Eventually, you arrive at Lun Walloon, and you start to play the fourth game,
commonly known as
4) Running the gauntlet.
As you exit the platform, various people in different costumes walk straight
towards you. The less well equipped are simply holding their hands out and
asking for the price of a cup of meths. Those who have been in this game for
several years are wearing a 'Save the Atlantic Anteater from the Ozone Hole and
Melanoma Campaign' sweatshirt, are large enough that the print on the sweatshirt
is readable, and shake their dreaded receptacles in your face. Reluctantly you
realize that you are cornered, and you reach for your money. Along with your
handkerchief, you pull out half the Brazilian national debt, which seems to fall
straight for the open mouth of the plastic anteater the woman is carrying, and
you have lost a large proportion of your overdraft.
Finally feeling that you have done some good for the other oppressed animals
of the world, you pass down into the bowels of the earth, ready for the magical
mystery tour of some of London's oldest sewers - the Underground.
The new ticket barriers are wonderful devices, designed to take a piece of
card imprinted with a magnetic strip, and to shred it into a million and one
brightly coloured little pieces, while shrieking violently and persuading you to
seek assistance. You persuade the blue-suited goon that the confetti floating
down the escalators cost you two hundred pounds, and would normally accompany
the photograph that makes you out to be some kind of alien road accident.
At last you hit the down escalator. It is at this point that the full horror
of what you drank the previous night hits you - you realize what Maurits Escher
felt when he etched those woodcuts of stairs in all feasible directions. Your
mind tells you that you're standing upright, and travelling downwards, but the
liquid still sloshing around the inside of your head convinces you that you are
lying backwards (despite gravity to the contrary), and that the escalator is
travelling at right angles to reality. Just before you fall over, the escalator
reaches the bottom, and the grills that prevent you from rolling back round with
the steps lacerate the toe of each shoe.
Once again we play the merry little game of "Where are the doors going to
stop", only on a much smaller scale, since there are no guards, no first-class,
and no smoking. This should make the tube a more hospitable place, but instead
you have to try and find the only compartment without a seven foot-tall
psychedelic gorilla with a walkman at full volume.
Finally seated, the doors close, and another crystal clear announcement rings
through the train. "Due to industrial action by the man that spreads the
fag-ends around the station, this train will not be stopping at your station.
Repeat, this train will not be stopping at your station. Thank you." Thank you
for what, that's what I'd like to know. The train pulls out, and as you
approach your station the train begins to slow down. This is of little surprise
to you, since it is you and a select band of people who also want to get off
here that have hijacked the train.
Your ticket is inspected, the lifts don't work, and you have to climb one
hundred and seventeen dangerously narrow steps, and the one thought that keeps
you going is this:
"Only another eight hours till I have to go the other way."
[The author is a computer programmer who spends much of his 'working' day
commuting between Surbiton and the Elephant and Castle district of London. Of
the many sights along his route are:
Beran - Berrylands
Renpa - Raynes Park
Newman - New Malden
Women - Wimbledon
Early - Earlsfield
Clam Jun - Clapham Junction
Vall - Vauxhall
Lun Walloon - London Waterloo
This educational article has been brought to you by Culpability Jones -
a.k.a. Gombo]
-= office humor =-= 50 =------------------------------------------------------
I wrote these 2 "Top 10 (tm)" lists during my last few days as a Tandem
employee. There are a few Tandem-specific references, but overall should be
easily adapted to IBM, Apple, etc.
The Players:
Jimmy - Jimmy Treybig, President
Russ - Russ Cappellino, VP, hatchet-man
Torus Net - New networking technology, "kinda like a donut"
Tandem Telecom - Small(er) division of Tandem.
Top 10 Job Opportunities For Laid Off Tandem Telecom Employees
10. Sperm/Plasma Donor - "Seed 'n' Bleed"
9. Surrogate mother - Why get f*cked over only once this quarter?
8. Drool collector for Jimmy's next speech.
7. Counting stock-options for the executives who got us all into this mess.
6. Tandem Public Relations Consultant - "Hey, at least we're not IBM!"
5. Free lance Marketing: Change "Torus Net" to "Donut Net" in order to break
into the lucrative Law Enforcement market.
4. Stay permanently unemployed as a political favor to Bob Dole.
3. Speech therapist for John Sculley ("say it! I-B-M!").
2. You can still "work in tandem" if you go to the unemployment office in
pairs!
1. Resume writing!
Top 10 Reasons Tandem Telecom Got Cut
10. Due to a misunderstanding, Jimmy thought we'd been delivering softporn to
customers.
9. So many of us have young children, Jimmy reasoned that at least we'd all
have something to eat.
8. Cappellino was "double dog dared" by the flatulent ghost of Mussolini.
7. Jimmy's supply of lithium dangerously low, had to cut costs fast!
6. Took advantage of IBM's "fire one of yours, get seven of ours free" offer.
5. Jimmy heard that McDonald's was hiring.
4. TT male employees giving Jimmy penis envy.
3. So are the female employees.
2. Was impressed by ATF's handling of Waco, but then read in Courier that
"burning employees alive expressly forbidden."
1. Corporate's just getting warmed up...
-= office humor =-= 51 =------------------------------------------------------
A not-very-bright shorthand typist (or maybe she wanted to teach her boss a
lesson?) presented the following letter for signature:
Dear Mr. Tomlinson,
Now let me see. What shall I tell the old fool? In reply to yours of the
sixteenth we are surprised to learn that the car which you purchased from us is
not giving perfect satisfaction. We had to sell it quickly before it fell to
bits.
As you know, we inspect all cars thoroughly before putting them up for sale.
Your vehicle was in excellent condition when it left our showrooms. That's a
nice dress. New, isn't it?
It is possible that your driver is at fault. Five miles to the gallon is
very poor mileage for a car in such good condition as yours. Five gallons to the
mile would be about right. I never noticed before you have a little dimple on
your chin. Please bring it round at your convenience and our mechanic will make
the necessary adjustments.
Yours faithfully,
Just sign it yourself.
-= office humor =-= 52 =------------------------------------------------------
Memorandum
All Employees:
In light of the Williamson county ruling against tax breaks to companies with
progressive policies towards homosexuals, management at DWB (Damn We're Big)
have come up with a few new policies:
o All seating in the cafeteria will be boy-girl-boy-girl. If this can not be
done, men will be required to grunt after every swallow and talk sports in a
loud boisterous manner. Women seated next to each other must giggle and
exchange coupons.
o No same sex cubemates will be allowed. If a building can not comply to such
a rule, occupants of said cube must, if male: come to blows at least weekly
over such matters as Craftsman vs Stanley tools, Inboard vs Outboard Boat
Motors and favorite adult Tanning Salons; if female: come to blows over the
stealing of husbands/boyfriends or wardrobe accessorizing.
o (Male rule only) No male is allowed to stand next to another male during
urinal utilization. If nature demands such a situation, the adjacent males
are required to look into the next stall and say something derogatory in
reference to anatomy size.
o (Female rule only) All females are required to say something overtly
feminine in any organizational meeting. The statement must be considered
ditzy, irrelevant, and on the intelligence level of a ripened beet. For
example, during a meeting concerning I/O Planar CAD simulation, a female
employee might say, "Let's not talk about such technical things - it gives me
such a headache. Why don't we just go malling for some new pumps!"
Any violation of this rule will incur the following punishment:
Male: 10 hours of John Wayne movies or 4 home improvement instructional
sessions at Home Depot.
Female: 10 hours of forced recreation with "Malibu" Ken and Barbie dolls.
These rules are effective immediately. So let's hop to it and be hetero!
Remember: We in DWB management feel "Tab A in Slot B" is not only sound
biological policy but more importantly, it's swell for tax breaks.
- Management -
-= office humor =-= 53 =------------------------------------------------------
Problem Solving Flowchart
_________________________
YES | DOES THE | NO
----------------| DAMN THING |----------------
| | WORK? | |
| ------------------------- |
| V
| ____________
| YES | Did You |
| --------| Mess |
V | | With It? |
______________ | ------------
| Don't | | |
| Mess | V |
| With It | _______________ |
______________ | You Dumb | | NO
| ------- | Shit | |
| | --------------- |
| | |
| V |
| ______________ |
| NO | Does | V
| --------| Anyone | ____________
| | | Know? | YES | Will You |
| | -------------- --------| Catch |
| | | | | Hell? |
| V | | ------------
| _________ | YES | |
| | Hide | | V |
| | It | | ______________ |
| --------- ------->| YOU POOR | | NO
| | | BASTARD | |
| | ------->-------------- |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| | | | |
| | | NO | |
| | | V V
| | | ___________ _____________
| | | | Can You | | Forget |
| | | | Blame | | It |
| | --------| Someone | -------------
| | | Else? | |
| | ----------- |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | YES |
| | | |
| | | |
| | V |
| | ----------------- |
| ------------>| NO | |
| | PROBLEM! |<---------------
----------------------->-----------------
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