SIGNS

[Nancy Carson]

Sign posted: QUIET... HOSPITAL ZONE Sign outside house in the city: TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF ONE GERMAN SHEPHERD Sign outside a house in Sussex, England: BEWARE OF OWNER... NEVER MIND THE DOG Sign on Garbage Truck: SATISFACTION GUARANTEED... OR DOUBLE YOUR GARBAGE BACK Sign in front of clock repair shop: CUCKOO CLOCKS PSYCHOANALYZED CHEAP Sign outside school: FITE ILLETERACY (Fight Illiteracy) Signs in store windows: DON'T BE FOOLED BY IMITATORS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS. WE HAVE BEEN GOING OUT OF BUSINESS LONGER THAN ANYONE IN TOWN. DON'T GO ANYWHERE ELSE AND BE ROBBED....TRY US! Sign on newly-mown lawn: YOUR FEET ARE KILLING ME Sign in front of ice cream store: YOU CAN'T BEAT OUR MILK, BUT YOU CAN LICK OUR ICE CREAM CONES Sign on dentist's houseboat: OFFSHORE DRILLING Sign in front of a record shop: RECORDS FOR SALE, FOR SALE, FOR SALE........ Signs outside music store: GONE CHOPIN. BACH IN A MINUET. OUT TO LUNCH. USUALLY BACH BY ONE. OFFENBACH SOONER. Sign outside of planetarium: CAST OF THOUSANDS... EVERY ONE A STAR Billboard on road: BELT YOUR FAMILY AND SAVE THEIR LIVES Sign in front of a garage: MAY WE HAVE THE NEXT DENTS? Sign outside tailor shop: DON'T STAND OUTSIDE AND FAINT ...COME INSIDE AND HAVE A FIT! Sign on dairy truck: FROM MOO TO YOU IN AN HOUR OR TWO Sign in a supermarket: PRICES ARE BORN HERE AND RAISED ELSEWHERE Sign in front of magic shop: DISAPPEARED FOR LUNCH Sign at a bank: JESUS SAVES - WHY CAN'T YOU? Sign in realtor's office: LOTS FOR LITTLE Sign in shoe store: COME IN AND HAVE A FIT Sign in a maternity clothes store: WE ARE OPEN ON LABOR DAY Sign on door of maternity ward: PUSH - PUSH - PUSH Sign in a non-smoking area: IF WE SEE YOU SMOKING WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION Sign at entrance of the IRS: WATCH YOUR STEP Sign in a book store: WE TREAT YOU WRITE Sign on front door: EVERYONE ON THE PREMISES IS A VEGETARIAN EXCEPT THE DOG Sign in an optometrist's office: IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE Sign in a taxidermist's window: WE REALLY KNOW OUR STUFF Sign in a podiatrist's window: TIME WOUNDS ALL HEELS Sign in a butcher's window: LET ME MEAT YOUR NEEDS PLEASED TO MEAT YOU Sign on used car lot: SECOND HAND CARS IN FIRST CRASH CONDITION Sign in a car dealership office: THE BEST WAY TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET... MISS A CAR PAYMENT Sign in a muffler shop: NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY WE'LL HEAR YOU COMING Sign on fence: SALESMEN WELCOME DOG FOOD IS EXPENSIVE Sign at a hotel: HELP! WE NEED INN-EXPERIENCED PEOPLE Sign in Acapulco hotel: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE Sign in a science teacher's room: IF IT MOVES, IT'S BIOLOGY IF IT STINKS, IT'S CHEMISTRY IF IT DOESN'T WORK, IT'S PHYSICS Sign at the dry cleaner's window: DROP YOU PANTS HERE Sign in a Norwegian lounge: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: BE BACK IN 5 MINUTES SIT! STAY! Sign in beauty shop window: DYE NOW, GRAY LATER Sign at a computer store: OUT FOR A QUICK BYTE Sign in a bowling alley: PLEASE BE QUIET WE NEED TO HEAR A PIN DROP Sign in hardware store in Oregon: TODAY'S SPECIAL SO'S TOMORROW Sign on restaurant window: GREAT FOOD (50,000 FLIES CAN'T BE WRONG) Sign in Maine restaurant: OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS Sign in a sandwich shop: OUR TONGUE SANDWICHES SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES Sign on billboard facing road in front of funeral home: DRIVE CAREFULLY WE'LL WAIT Sign in a window: MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS FOR SALE (Sign in the window next door) HURRAY! Sign on the road: MEN SHOULD BE WORKING! ....... Nancy