I could have been a judge...
Martin Pinker
I didn't have enough Latin to get through the rigorous judging exams.
They're very rigorous, the judging exams. In fact, you get people coming out
of them saying:
"My God, what a rigorous exam."
So, I decided to become a miner instead.
The mining exams aren't very rigorous.
In fact, there's a complete lack of rigor involved in the mining exams.
They only ask you one question. They say: " Who are you?"
And I got 75% on that.
But it's very boring down the mines. VERY boring.
They're such boring conversationalists.
Things like: " Hello, I've found a lump of coal"
" Have you really?"
"Yes, this black substance is coal alright"
"Jolly good! It's the very thing we're looking for"
It's not enough to keep the mind alive, is it?
The trouble is, as a miner, when you're too old and tired, and sick and
stupid to do the job, you have to go.
But the very opposite applies to the judges.
So all in all, I'd rather have been a judge than a miner.
Thank you.
Martin Pinker
Credits to Peter Cook "Sitting on the Bench" Beyond the Fringe
Charles Conway
: Um, it's called "Sitting on the Bench" and it was recorded in the late 50s
: by Peter Cook. (I have the 78rpm record packed away somewhere...) And it's
: several times longer than what you posted. I used to be able to quote the
: whole thing, word for word: "I *could* have been a judge, but I never had
: the lessons; I never had the lessons for the judgin'. They're very
: rigorous, the judgi'g exams, very rigorous indeed. You get people
: remarking on it. So I became a miner instead. They're not very rigorous,
: the minin' exams. No rigor involved, really. Complete lack of rigor. They
: only ask you one question: They say 'Who are you?' An' I got 75 percent on
: that! ..."
: I gotta go find that recording....
: --
: Michael K. Smith mks...@metronet.com
: +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
: It doesn't TAKE all kinds, we just HAVE all kinds
I have this monologue on an album entitled "Beyond the Fringe." It has
recordings of Cook in concert with Dudley Moore, Jonathan Miller, and
Alan Bates (I think). It is quite possibly one of the funniest albums
ever made. One should also listen to the Cook and Moore album "Good
Evening," which contains more of the same sort of stuff.
I seem to recall, Michael, the Cook's character complains of not having
the *Latin* for the judging, but that is a very minor aside. Do you (or
does anyone else) know of any other recordings of the Beyond the Fringe crew?
--
Patrick Conway
Department of History and Classics
University of Alberta
E-mail: cco...@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca
COOPdeGRA
(Martin Pinker) writes:
<Beyond the Fringe> The Judge-miner script was great. Its bee a long time
since I've heard it. Does anyone have anymore from this album? For
instance, I would very much like to read or hear the "One legged Tarzan"
script.
Michael Kalen Smith
by Peter Cook. (I have the 78rpm record packed away somewhere...) And it's
several times longer than what you posted. I used to be able to quote the
whole thing, word for word: "I *could* have been a judge, but I never had
rigorous, the judgi'g exams, very rigorous indeed. You get people
remarking on it. So I became a miner instead. They're not very rigorous,
Nat Edgar
>I have this monologue on an album entitled "Beyond the Fringe."
>It has
>recordings of Cook in concert with Dudley Moore, Jonathan
>Miller, and
>Alan Bates (I think). It is quite possibly one of the funniest
>albums ever made.
I saw the show in 1961; it was quite possible one of the funniest
shows ever made.
For all Shakespeare lovers, a sample:
"Get the to Gloucester, Essex
To thee to Wessex, Exeter
Tell Albany to Somerset must be his route
And Scrupe do you to Westmorland.
And I most royally shall now to bed
To sleep off all the nonsense I've just said.
Oh saucy Worcester.......
Wise words in mouths of fools do oft themselves belye."
And, just in case anyone is still interested, Patrick, it was
Alan Bennett (playwrite), not Alan Bates (actor)
--
Nat Edgar
Mary Ker
: Michael Kalen Smith (mks...@metronet.com) wrote:
: : Um, it's called "Sitting on the Bench" and it was recorded in the late 50s
: : by Peter Cook. (I have the 78rpm record packed away somewhere...) And it's
Yeah, I have Beyond the Fringe and Beyond the Fringe '64, (or I did--I
haven'tlooked at my records in years--since CD players came out; what
have I been thinking!)
I use to just love the skit where all the faithful went to the mountains,
because they'd be "safe as 'ouses" when the great winds come. Then you hear
the old man, "and will these winds..." "Eh? What's that? Speak louder."
"And will these winds..." "No better, is it?" "And will these winds..."
"Look, you're speaking too low for the human ear, which is what I'm equipped
with." "And will these winds be so mighty as to lay low the mountains of
the earth?" "NO. That's why we're up here, you twit!"
So much time, such a poor memory---but it was ahowler.
Barefoot
cco...@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca (Charles Conway) writes:
>Michael Kalen Smith (mks...@metronet.com) wrote:
>: Um, it's called "Sitting on the Bench" and it was recorded in the late 50s
>: by Peter Cook. (I have the 78rpm record packed away somewhere...) And it's
>
>I have this monologue on an album entitled "Beyond the Fringe." It has
>recordings of Cook in concert with Dudley Moore, Jonathan Miller, and
>Alan Bates (I think).
Beyond the Fringe '64 and contains material from their tour that
played in the U.S. in the early sixties. I sometimes get the material
mixed up from these two albums, but remember The Great Train Robbery, and
their skit on WWII ? 'I was out in the garden at the time...'
Ty Halderman
>From: coop...@aol.com (COOPdeGRA)
>Subject: Re: I could have been a judge...
>Date: 6 Nov 1994 22:23:54 -0500
Not One-legged Tarzan, but...
"So, I said to him, 'Do you do vests in mauve?'
"And he said, 'No.'
"So, I said to him rather sharply, 'You don't do vests in mauve?'
"And he said, 'No,' so I had to settle for the green, the Lincoln green. It
made me _mad_, I'm telling you."
"Oh well, just so long as it's woolly..."
"Oh, don't touch me this morning, Arthur!"
[Misc. things I don't remember, ending in a commercial for "A _Man's_
cigarette. Anyone have the full script? This is from 30-year old neuron
paths in an even older brain]
-----
If anyone knows where I can get the album at this point, please email. I
tried some time ago and it was "out of print" [they _print_ albums?]
=-Ty
.sig has been backordered
Nat Edgar
> "So, I said to him, 'Do you do vests in mauve?'
> "And he said, 'No.'
> "So, I said to him rather sharply, 'You don't do vests in
mauve?'
> "And he said, 'No,' so I had to settle for the green, the
Lincoln green. It
> made me _mad_, I'm telling you."
> "Oh well, just so long as it's woolly..."
> > "Oh, don't touch me this morning, Arthur!"
>
> [Misc. things I don't remember, ending in a commercial for "A
I don't have the full script, but the ending is:
"Smoke Bollards, the man's cigarette!"
--
Nat Edgar