Limericks
StanZZ
limerick? If not, why not get some limericks going here on rec.humor?
Here's one I wrote when a friend told me I'd never be able to write a
limerick for the city Hoboken:
There once was a man from Hoboken
Who feared that his penis was broken.
The doctor said, "Mister,
Just look at this blister!
And you've bent it in half with your strokin'!"
Cheers.....
_ _ _ __o Stan Zukowski,
_ _ _ _`\ <,- Out pounding the hills.
_ _ _ (*)/ (*) of Eastern Pennsylvania. . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nukkahaid
Had a hexahedronical ball
The cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number ... give him a call
There once was a man from Australia
Who painted his ass like a dahlia
The color was fine
And the likeness, sublime
But the aroma, now that was the falia
There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Till a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling
There was an old man from Calcutter
Who greased up his asshole with butter
And instead of the roar
We heard there before
Came a soft oleaginous mutter
CAWhelchel
>
>There was a young rector at Kings,
>Whos mind was on heavenly things,
>But his heart was on fire,
>For a boy in the choir,
>Whos arse was like jelly on springs,
>
>
>dor...@aston.ac.uk
>
>
:)
There was a young fellow named Herkin
Who kept on jerkin' his gherkin!
His mother said, "Herkin,
quit jerkin' your gherking!"
"Your gherkin's for ferkin' Herkin!"
Whee!
Cheryl
--
2400 SUCKS!!! V. Bis & Baudhead
Euph...@ix.netcom.com
Now using View-Master Technology with enhancements by Etch-A-Sketch
Bob Roberds
The poems had NOTHING to do with the people themseleves; we just built
rhymes around their names. One result I came up with:
There once was a girl named Beth Berman
Who liked to drink everyone's sperm in.
She said, with a pout,
"This tastes like sauerkraut.
Are you sure that you aren't a German"?
You weren't allowed to write one about yourself, though. I don't
exactly recall the one they made up about me, but it did rhyme "Bob"
with "Corn on the cob". The less said the better...
--
_/_/_/ _/_/_/ _/_/_/ / Bob Roberds | brob...@ix.netcom.com \
_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ /----------------------------------------\
_/_/_/ _/ _/ _/_/_/ \ In America, first you get the sugar, /
_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ _/ \ then you get the power, /
_/_/_/ _/_/_/ _/_/_/ \_____ then you get the women! ______/
Graham P. McDermott
I sent this a few years back when I was an undergraduate at Strathclyde.....
There was a young man from Lyme
Who couldn't get limericks to sound right.
When asked why not
it was said that he thought
They were overly long and far to complex, possibly even dull.
Graham McD.
--
Signatures....we don't need no signatures....
Michael Reuss
diet book "The Scarsdale Diet" was killed by his ex-lover, a then
matronly looking society type, whom he had jilted for a young trophy
bimbo following the success of his book.
His mistress saw the diet doc stray
So she went to his house late one day
He said, please don't shout
But you're just too dried out
So she blew the poor bastard away
--
Michael Reuss
Honorary Kid
Renee Linda Roberts
By breezes which left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And unless I'm quite wrong
You expected this line to be lewd.
Renee Roberts
Virginia G Butters
There was a young man from Madrass
Who had both his balls dipped in brass.
He banged them together
And played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning came out of his ass.
Thank you, thank you.
--
Always happy to provide views from a broad. :)
lynne ireland
: There was a young fellow named Herkin
: Who kept on jerkin' his gherkin!
: His mother said, "Herkin,
: quit jerkin' your gherking!"
: "Your gherkin's for ferkin' Herkin!"
My variation on this one for a college friend named Gerken:
There once was a young man named Gerken
Who was always jerkin' his perkin.
His wife said, "Gerken,
With jerkin' your perkin,
You're shirkin' your firkin', ya bastard!
Roger
This space intentionally left blank
>There was a young rector at Kings,
>Whos mind was on heavenly things,
>But his heart was on fire,
>For a boy in the choir,
>Whos arse was like jelly on springs,
There was a chior boy named Kevin,
Who was had in the courtyard by seven.
The Episcopal Priests,
Those lascivious beasts!
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
-- Mike "999,995 to go!" Bartman --
==============================================================================
| I didn't really say all the things that I said. You probably didn't read |
| what you thought you read. Statistics show that this whole thing is more |
| than likely just a hideous misunderstanding. |
==============================================================================
==============================================================================
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Graham R Pearson
Whose limericks would never quite scan
She said "I'll admit
I'm a bit of a twit
But I always try to get as many words into the last line as I possibly can"
There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks all end at line two
There was a young man from Verdun
A modest young girl named Oola
Once donned a grass skirt to dance Hula
A cow ate the grass
Exposing her ass
Now she's no longer modest but coola
_
Graham R. Pearson / _ BIKE WANTED
\_|_|
Caledonia : ceegrp |\_ I'm looking for a commuting bike,
VAX cluster : ceegrp |_| with hub gears. Anything suitable,
Internet-wide : cee...@cee.hw.ac.uk | in the Edinburgh area? E-mail me.
Jim
On a bridge overlooking a ravine
Archibald was screwing Kathleen.
The force of his lunge
Caused the whole bridge to plunge.
The worst fucking disaster yet seen.
--
-Jim
"You know," said Arthur, "it's times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when
I was young."
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen."
- The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy
Donald H. Eckhardt
Ken Creffield
--
Janice Fahey
Tried dynomite for a thrill.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Brazil.
_________________________________________________________________________
Janice Fahey
j...@cts.com
Mike Burke
writes:
>
>In article <antfarm-0203...@165.227.10.234> ant...@cruzio.com
(Nukkahaid) writes:
>
>There was a young fellow named Dave
>who kept a dead whore in a cave
>he said "I'll admit
>I'm a bit of a shit,
>But think of the money I save!"
>
>There once was a woman named Gloria
>Who was had by Lord Alfred Demoria,
>and Sir Richard, his friend,
>Lord Alfred again,
>and the band at the Waldorf Astoria.
>
>There was a young fellow from Leeds
>who swallowed a packet of seeds
>he had tufts of grass
>growing out of his ass
>and his balls were all covered with weeds.
>
>
> I used to have a book with hundreds of these (all dirty), the
highlight of
>which was the 12 stanzad "Farter from Sparta". Anyone know of a
similar book?
>
>ron butler
>ro...@interport.net
>75144...@compuserve.com
>
> I never thought I'd love my life --
> I would have settled for another
> I never thought I could be so happy...
>
> Into The Woods, Steven Sohdheim
>
There once was a fellow named Clyde.
Fell into a cesspool and died.
Along came his brother,
Fell into the other,
And they were in turd side by side.
ron butler
Nukkahaid
Professed to no sexual feeling
Till a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling
A mathemetician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number ... give him a call
An artistic young man from Australia
Painted his ass like a dahlia
The likeness was fine
And the color sublime
But the aroma, now that was the falia
There was an old man from Calcutter
Tony Deters
>
>In article <D4At...@aston.ac.uk>, dor...@aston.ac.uk (DW DORAN) writes:
>>There was a young rector at Kings,
>>Whos mind was on heavenly things,
>>But his heart was on fire,
>>For a boy in the choir,
>>Whos arse was like jelly on springs,
>
>There was a chior boy named Kevin,
>Who was had in the courtyard by seven.
>The Episcopal Priests,
>Those lascivious beasts!
>Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
>
There once was a senator from Mass.
Went hunting for a stray piece of ass
Lucked out and found one
Fucked up and drowned one
Now his dreams are a piece of the past..
James Kelly
who claimed his privates were the world's seventh wonder.
As he walked around town
his dick trailed the ground
and when his balls moved
it sounded like thunder.
There was a young man from Beltucket
who's dick was so long he could suck it.
Said he with a grin
wiping cum from his chin
if my ear was a cu*t
I could f*ck it!
There was a young man from Duncave
who dug a dead whore from her grave.
He said "I must admit,
I'm a bit of a shit...
but think of the money I've saved!"
__/__| __/
__/ __|___/
__/ __/ __| __\
__/__/ __| __\
ja...@madvin.demon.co.uk
Stupour
: There was a young fellow named Dave
: who kept a dead whore in a cave
: he said "I'll admit
: I'm a bit of a shit,
: But think of the money I save!"
: There once was a woman named Gloria
: Who was had by Lord Alfred Demoria,
: and Sir Richard, his friend,
: Lord Alfred again,
: and the band at the Waldorf Astoria.
: There was a young fellow from Leeds
: who swallowed a packet of seeds
: he had tufts of grass
: growing out of his ass
: and his balls were all covered with weeds.
: I used to have a book with hundreds of these (all dirty), the highlight of
: which was the 12 stanzad "Farter from Sparta". Anyone know of a similar book?
Try the Penguin Book of Limericks. It has hundreds. It has the Farta from
Sparta. It has every limerick I have seen posted here, including:-
On the chest of a barmaid from Sale
Was tattooed the prices of Ale
And on her behind,
For the sake of the Blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
Several pages of the woman from Ulva
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for 2 punts one canoe
The answer, next day,
Said "girls on their way,
But What in Hell's name's a 'Panoe'?"
A few on the women and men from Nantucket
There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his arse like a dahlia
A penny a smell
Was doing quite well,
But sixpence a lick was a failure.
And many more.
There was a young man from Dundee
Who came home as drunk as can be
He wound up the clock
With the end of his c*ck
And b*ggered his wife with the key
--
Legless Stupour
Don't send mail to Stupour at humour@femur 'cos it won't work
"To be or not to be ..." - William Shakespeare
"To be is to do" - Jean Paul Satre
"Do be do be do" - Frank Sinatra
AndyMack
That blow through the treeses
And lift little girl's skirts
above their kneeses.
Little boy seeses,
Does how he pleases.
That's how he got social diseases.
(Say it out load. It seems a little confusing written.)
Duncan Anker
A gardener named Kenneth McDear
likes plants more than women, we fear.
"He's hardly perennial,"
say folks who know Kenny well,
"he only comes up once a year."
--
Duncan Anker dan...@hardy.ocs.mq.edu.au
Technology is the engine of the future... where will you go today?
Micro$oft: Taking everybody for a ride.
Christoph M Picou
went this way:
here's to the breezes
that blows through the treeses
and lifts the girls' skirts above the kneeses
it teases
it pleases
it spreads diseases
oh jesus what a snatch
down the hatch
(drink)
Laurie Spector
To add to this collection:
An archaeologist named Hassel
Found a wondrous fossil
He could tell by the bend
And the knob at the end
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.
I think you'll find that in "The Art of the Limerick" or something very
much like it...
H>ron butler (ro...@interport.net) wrote:
>: In article <antfarm-0203...@165.227.10.234> ant...@cruzio.com (Nu
H>: There was a young fellow named Dave
>: who kept a dead whore in a cave
>: he said "I'll admit
>: I'm a bit of a shit,
>: But think of the money I save!"
H>: There once was a woman named Gloria
>: Who was had by Lord Alfred Demoria,
>: and Sir Richard, his friend,
>: Lord Alfred again,
>: and the band at the Waldorf Astoria.
H>: There was a young fellow from Leeds
>: who swallowed a packet of seeds
>: he had tufts of grass
>: growing out of his ass
>: and his balls were all covered with weeds.
H>: I used to have a book with hundreds of these (all dirty), the highlig
>: which was the 12 stanzad "Farter from Sparta". Anyone know of a similar bo
H>Try the Penguin Book of Limericks. It has hundreds. It has the Farta from
>Sparta. It has every limerick I have seen posted here, including:-
H>On the chest of a barmaid from Sale
>Was tattooed the prices of Ale
>And on her behind,
>For the sake of the Blind,
>Was the same information in Braille.
H>Several pages of the woman from Ulva
H>Ethnologists up with the Sioux
>Wired home for 2 punts one canoe
>The answer, next day,
>Said "girls on their way,
>But What in Hell's name's a 'Panoe'?"
H>A few on the women and men from Nantucket
H>There was a young man from Australia,
>Who painted his arse like a dahlia
>A penny a smell
>Was doing quite well,
>But sixpence a lick was a failure.
H>And many more.
H>There was a young man from Dundee
>Who came home as drunk as can be
>He wound up the clock
>With the end of his c*ck
>And b*ggered his wife with the key
H>--
>Legless Stupour
H>Don't send mail to Stupour at humour@femur 'cos it won't work
H>"To be or not to be ..." - William Shakespeare
>"To be is to do" - Jean Paul Satre
>"Do be do be do" - Frank Sinatra
---
ž QMPro 1.53 ž Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
Michael Syslo
In article <463798...@madvin.demon.co.uk>, ja...@madvin.demon.co.uk (James Kelly) writes:
|> There was a young man from 'Down Under'
|> who claimed his privates were the world's seventh wonder.
|> As he walked around town
|> his dick trailed the ground
|> and when his balls moved
|> it sounded like thunder.
|>
|> There was a young man from Beltucket
|> who's dick was so long he could suck it.
|> Said he with a grin
|> wiping cum from his chin
|> if my ear was a cu*t
|> I could f*ck it!
|>
|> There was a young man from Duncave
|> who dug a dead whore from her grave.
|> He said "I must admit,
|> I'm a bit of a shit...
had only on t*t...
|>
|>
|> __/__| __/
|> __/ __|___/
|> __/ __/ __| __\
|> __/__/ __| __\
|> ja...@madvin.demon.co.uk
|>
Mike
Stephen Dickman
Who had a remarkable ass
Not rouned and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears and ate grass
There was a young maid from Arrat
Who had triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat