THE TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES Part Six

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Daniel Bowen

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Sep 4, 1990, 8:28:25 PM9/4/90
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The end of the world is nigh.
So why bother doing a really
good title for
TOXIC CUSTARD
WORKSHOP FILES
APOCALYPSE EDITION
Episode 6 - 5th September 1990
Written by Mr.Luxury-Yacht


A man. An ordinary human being. Ewen G.MacPerson. He had become tired of
this world. He had become fed up with the wars of the Earth, the endless
pollution and famine, and tired of the way everyone talked when he was
trying to (especially those one or two up the back).
A plan formed in his mind. A plan to get back at this world which had
made him so unhappy. A plan to destroy the world! How long would it take,
he thought, to annilhilate the planet? Five seconds? Ten? A minute at the
most, and Earth would be laid waste.
Ewen went down to the local Brashs. There, he bought the second biggest
hi-fi that anyone had ever seen. The new Sony CDXLOUD-40000, consisting of
a remote-control CD player with 16 times oversampling, a 20 million watt
amplifier with surround-sound, and two hundred 500 metre high three-way
loudspeakers. And all for the cost of a small city.
Perhaps the plan would not have been so lethal, if not for the final,
and most deadly element of this destructive weapon. And yet it cost only a
fraction of cost of the nuclear warheads aimed by the trigger happy thugs
who wanted to rule the world (Mr Tex Fuller, Flatback Missouri USA being
the most obvious one). It was, perhaps, a billionth of the US defence
budget of a year. It cost only $25 but the damage it would do to the planet
was immeasurable. It's creator was a menace to the entire population of
the world. The thing had a simple name. A name which caused fear and panic
throughout the civilised world. It was called "The Young Talent Time
Album".
Ewen had bought it while completely drunk one midsummer morning. There
was an imported American version as well (which contained only half the
songs, all edited and shuffled out of order), but Ewen had settled for the
all-Australian version, made in Korea.
He waited for the moment. Until the time was right to destroy the
planet. He had arranged the speakers in 198 major population centres of the
world, and Melbourne, disguised as skyscrapers, with two in New York
because he hated the NBC Today Show, which came from there.
The complication came in the operation of the amplifier. He had
calculated that to operate it for the required time (at least ten seconds),
would cost him fifty million dollars in electricity bills. But of course,
the SEC would be destroyed as well.
The time was nearly right. Any moment now, Ewen would insert the disc
into the CD player and press play. Then turn the amplifier up to maximum.

* * *

HE HAD SENSED TROUBLE. IT WAS HIS JOB. FOR ONE THING, IDENTICAL
SKYSCRAPERS HAD BEEN APPEARING OVERNIGHT IN ALL THE MAJOR CITIES OF THE
WORLD, ALL WITH ADVERTISING FOR SONY ON THE TOP. BUT THE WIERD THING WAS,
THEY WERE ALL LINKED BY CABLES WHICH WERE MARKED 'MUSICWAY AUDIO'. HE
FOLLOWED THE CABLES AROUND THE WORLD, UNTIL FINALLY, AFTER WEEKS OF
SEARCHING HE FOUND A HOUSE. AN ORDINARY, CONVENTIONAL HOUSE WITH
BARBED-WIRE, MACHINE-GUN POSTS AND SEARCH LIGHTS AROUND THE PERIMETER. COME
TO THINK OF IT, IT LOOKED MORE LIKE A PRIMARY SCHOOL THAN A HOUSE.
ANYWAY, HE WATCHED THE HOUSE, UNTIL FINALLY THE OCCUPANT MADE A MOVE.
WITH THE AID OF INFRA-RED CAMERA EQUIPMENT AND A HYPERSENSITIVE MICROPHONE,
HE SAW THE FIGURE OF A MAN REACH FOR A CD, AND SCREAM 'Die, you
puss-suckers!'
HE MADE HIS MOVE. HE BURST THROUGH THE DOOR, SPRINTED DOWN THE HALL TO
THE ROOM, AND ENTERED FASTER THAN PEOPLE RUNNING FOR COVER AT A KYLIE
MINOGUE CONCERT, AND PULLED OUT THE AMPLIFIER POWER PLUG.

***And the masses did hail the saviour of the world. And the saviour did
come among the crowd and did reveal himself. And it was MISTER POPSICLE.

########## Yes, Mr Popsicle, an eight foot
| /\ /\ | high man with gigantic eyes, a fuzzy
| \/ \/ | haircut, and a gaping mouth. Mr. Popsicle,
| /\ | who looked not entirely unlike a giant
|\______/| icecream.
|\______/|
----|________|---- MR POPSICLE, SECRET AGENT. THE PERFECT
| | SECRET AGENT. WHY? BECAUSE OF HIS
| | INCONSPICUOUS APPEARANCE.
___| |___

Coming up in the next issue of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files...
MR. POPSICLE PIN-UP!
EXCLUSIVE MR. POPSICLE INTERVIEW!
MR POPSICLE TOUR DATES!
WIN THE NEW MR POPSICLE ALBUM!
WIN A CHANCE TO KICK EWEN IN THE HEAD!
ALL IN THE NEXT ISSUE OF THE WEEKLY POPSICLE - 10TH SEPTEMBER.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~ 'The Toxic Custard Workshop Files' is mailed from vx24 twice a week. ~
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PLEASE NOTE:
The characters in this work are entirely fictional. Any similarities
between them and any real people is really honestly a total co-incidence.

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