Canonical List Of Language Expressions Humor (part 2/2)

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Her Jangle Is Wide Angle

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Jul 22, 1993, 8:17:13 PM7/22/93
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== V A R I O U S E X C U S E S *
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I'd love to BUT...

all my in-laws are coming over to explain the meaning of life.
all of a sudden, I'm not attracted to you.
having fun gives me prickly heat.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
I feel a song coming on.
I feel life is too short, and I need more rest to get it.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
I have to bleach my hare.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I have to clean out my cat's litter box.
I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
I have to floss my cat.
I have to fluff my shower cap.
I have to fulfill my potential.
I have to go to court for kitty littering.
I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
I have to jog my memory.
I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
I have to pick the lint out of my belly button.
I have to rotate my crops.
I have to sit up with a sick ant.
I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I have to study for a blood test.
I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
I have too much guilt.
I hope you enjoy yourself anyways...NOT!
I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
I left my body in my other clothes.
I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
I need to pick the wax out of my ear.
I never go out on days that end in "Y."
I prefer to remain an enigma.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
I thought you were married.
I want to spend more time with my blender.
I was going to Nair my cat.
I'd rather be with someone who counts.
I'd rather keep my sexual drive.
I'll be looking for a parking space.
I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm being deported.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I'm dating someone better.
I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
I'm going to be old someday.
I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
I'm having a conflict of interest with my alter ego.
I'm having all my plants neutered.
I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
I'm in training to be a household pest.
I'm making a candle out of ear wax.
I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
I'm observing National Apathy Week.
I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basal
Metabolism.
I'm sandblasting my oven.
I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
I'm too old/young for that stuff.
I'm touring China with a wok band.
I'm trying to be less popular.
I'm trying to cut down.
I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
I'm worried about my vertical hold.
I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I've been traded to Cincinnati.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
it's my parakeet's bowling night.
it's nice to want.
it's too close to the turn of the century.
life goes on.
life is short and I'd rather not waste my time.
masturbating is more satisfying.
my bathroom tiles need grouting.
my cat just had a litter of kittens...and my dog just barfed up one of them.
my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
my crayons all melted together.
my dog is more attractive.
my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
my eyes need a rest from your face.
my favorite commercial is on TV.
my girlfriend is having a Pap smear and she wants me there for moral support.
my girlfriend told me I caught gingavitus by kissing and now it's spreading.
my in-laws are also going to demonstrate the proper way to have sex.
my jock strap needs to be peeled off the clothes line.
my life is running smoothly as is.
my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
my palm reader advised against it.
my patent is pending.
my pet fish died today, and I need to give him/her a proper funeral.
my plot to take over the world is thickening.
my subconscious says no.
my uncle escaped again.
my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
none of my socks match.
people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
scrape the gunk out of between my toes.
the doctor wants me to cough while my girfriend holds my private parts, I do not
know why, but it sure feels good.
the grunion are running.
the last time I went, I never came back.
the man on television told me to say tuned.
the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
the President said he might drop in.
there are important world issues that need worrying about.
there better ways to spend an evening.
there is a pressing desire to clip my toenails.
there's a disturbance in the Force.
this is reality.
you know how we psychos are.


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== V A R I O U S W A Y S T O S A Y " V O M I T " *
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Air the diced carrots
Barf and produce the liquid laugh
Blow chunks
Blow doughnuts
Boot
Call Europe on the great white telephone
Chunder
Do a technicolor yawn
Drive the porcelain bus
Emit
Engaging in an involuntary protein spill (George Carlin)
Have a school lunch re-run
Laughing at the carpet
Make an inventory (Inventarien machen, auf Deutsch)
Make a pavement pizza
Park the tiger
Praying to the porcelain god
Puke
Retch
Shout at your shoes
Sick up
Spew
Talking to Ralph on the big white telephone
Yawning in technicolor
Yell for Ralph


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== W O R D S Y O U C A N ' T S A Y O N T V *
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Here is the complete list of words you can't say on TV by George Carlin.
(actually, you can say quite a lot of these words on TV now.) This list is from
the tape "Carlin at Carnigie".

69
71 (which is 69 w/ 2 fingers up your ass)
around the world
ass
asshole
ball breaker
ball buster
balloons
balls
bang
bannanas and cream
bastard
batter
bazooms
bearded clam
beat your meat
beating the bishop
beaver
beef injection
bitch
bite the brown
blow job
blue-balls
bone on
boner
booty
box
box lunch
boy in the boat
brown
brown eyes
brown nose
bugger
bulldagger
bum
buns
bush
bust your nuts
butt
buttfuck
button
cheeks
cheese
cherry
circle jerk
clam
clap
cock teaser
cocksman
cocksucker
cooch
cooze
copping a cherry
copping a feel
copping a joint
corn hole
crab
crack
cram it
crap
cream
crud
cum
cunt
cunt lapper
cunt struck
daisy chain
dick
diddle
dilldo
dingleberry
dingus
dipping your wick
dog style
dong
donnicker
dork
douche-bag
doz
dry hump
dyke
eat me
faggot
fart
fart face
fart sniffer
farting around
fingerfuck
fist fuck
flogging your dong
flying the flag
french job
fuck
fuck off
fuck you
fudge packer
furburger
gangbang
gash
get in
get it up
get laid
get off
get your rocks off
gezzledock
gezzledyke that is
ginch
give head
gleep
gobble
god damn it
goin' up mustard road
going down on
golden showers
group grope
hairpie
hammer
hand job
hard on
head job
hiney
hole
hooker
horny
hot nuts
hum job
hump
hung
jack off
jam it
jelly roll
jerk off
jerk the gerkin
jism
joint
joystick
jugs
juice
knob
knobs
knock up
knockers
lay
lezzie
little brown eyeball
lob
love muscle
lungs
meat whistle
mercan
middle leg
milking the chicken
milking the lizard
mongolian cluster fuck
motherfucker
muff
nookie
notch
nuts
old fart
on the rag
one eyed monster
one man band
paddle the pickle
peace
pecker
pecker tracks
peckerhead
peter
piece of ass
pimp
piss
piss off
piss on you
pisshard
plow
pocket pull
poke
poontang
pop your cookies
pork
pound cake
pounding your pud
prick
prong
pump
push
pussy
pussy whipped
put
putz
queen
queer
quicke
quiff
quimm
rain coat
ram it
ream
riding the cotton pony
rim job
rod
rod of love
rod on
root
rough trade
rubber
scrap fan
screw
scumbag
seafood
shaft
shit
shlong
shoot
short arm
shwantz
sit on it
sit on my face
skin flute
slash
slit
sloppy seconds
snake
snapper
snappin' pussy
snatch
stem
stick
stick it
stiff
stiff
stuff it
suck off
sugar bowl pie
tail
the one-eyed wonder worm
tiddle
tit fuck
tits
tong
tool
trick
tuckus
tuna taco
turd
twat
up the old dirt road
up your ass
wack off
wad
wang
wanking
weinie
wet dream
wham
yodeling in the gully

That's it...if you haven't seen the tape, go out and rent "Carlin at Carnigie".
The list above is at the end of the tape, it goes right into the credits. {it's
funnier when Carlin reads them}


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== T H E F W O R D *
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Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language
today is "F==K". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe
pain, pleasure, hate, and love. "F==K" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb - both transitive (Dave f==ked Anne) and intransitive
(Dave then f==ked off home). It can be used as an active verb (Dave f==ks Anne
regularly) or as a passive verb (Anne is regularly f==ked by Dave), and also as
an adverb (Anne is a good f==k). It makes a wonderful adjective (Anne is
f==king beautiful) and can even be a noun (Dave is a fine f==k). So you see,
there are not many words with the versatility of "F==K". Besides its sexual
connotations, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations :

AGGRESSION : Fuck you.
APATHY : Who gives a fuck anyway?
DENIAL : I didn't fucking do it.
DERISION : He fucks everything up
DESPAIR : Fucked again.
DIFFICULTY : I don't understand this fucking job.
DISBELIEF : How the fuck did you do that?
DISMAY : Oh, fuck it.
DISPLEASURE : What the fuck is going on?
FRAUD : I got fucked by my insurance agent.
GOODBYE : Fuck off.
GREETING : How the fuck are you?
INCOMPETENCE : He's all fucked up.
LOST : Where the fuck are we?
MISTAKE : That's fucked it.
PANIC : Let's get the fuck out of here.
PERPLEXITY : I know fuck all about it.
PHILOSOPHICAL : Who gives a fuck?
REBELLION : Fuck this for a game of soldiers.
RESIGNATION : Oh, fuck it.
RETALIATION : Up your fucking ass.
SURPRISE : Fuck me.
SUSPICION : Who the fuck are you?
TROUBLE : I guess I'm fucked now.

It can be...

useful in describing anatomy : He's a fucking asshole.
used to tell the time : It's five fucking thirty.
used in business : How did I get this fucking job.
a predication : Oh, will I get fucked.
maternal : You great motherfucker.
nautical : Fuck the admiral.
political : Fuck Kinnock/Thatcher.
used to open a relationship : Let's fuck.

The word has, of course, been used by some very famous personages through the
years, the more notable of them being :

What the fuck was that? Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all those fucking Indians! General Custer
Where's all that fucking water coming from? Captain of the Titanic
What a place to plant a fucking tree. Marc Bolan
That's not a real fucking gun. John Lennon
The fucking throttle's stuck! Donald Campbell
Who's going to fucking know? President Nixon
I'm outside the fucking exclusion zone. Capt. of Gen. Belgrano
Heads are going to fucking roll! Anne Boleyn
Who let that fucking woman drive? Space Shuttle Captain
Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out. King Harold
I thought I could smell fucking petrol. Nikki Lauder
What fucking map? Mark Thatcher
It's my best fucking coat. Michael Foot
She's just a fucking secretary. Cecil Parkinson
He's just a fucking mate. Jeremy Thorpe
Any fucker can understand that. Einstein
It fucking looks like her! Picasso
Where's the fucking brakes on this thing. Donald Campbell
Where the fuck are we? Christopher Columbus
It's a sunny day, we don't need a fucking top on the car. JFK
What the fucks that coming down the ventilation shaft. Iraqi airbase staff
Nobody will give a fuck about the poll tax. Margaret Thatcher
How the fuck do we work that out? Pythagoras
You want what on the fucking ceiling?! Michaelangelo
I don't suppose it's fucking raining. Joan of Arc
I didn't want to fucking go anyway. Sebastion Coe
I haven't got a fucking clue. Miss Marples


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== V A R I O U S W A Y S T O S A Y " H A V I N G S E X " *
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Bang
Be the rug doctor
Beaver shooting
Been ridin' broomsticks since she was fifteen
Bend her over and load her like a shotgun
Bit-o-the-ol'-in-out
Bite the bearded clam
Bob the knob
Boink
Bone Smuggling
Bopping
Bottom knockin'
Bounce the Brillo
Break her open like a shotgun
Buff the helmet
Buffing
Bumping uglies
Bury the hatchet
Butter her muffin
Carpet munching
Check her oil
Clean the carpet
Come to my bed and let's practice parallel parking
Cuttin' a slice
Dance the buttock jig
Dent the egg
Dip your wick
Do it
Do the horizontal mambo
Do the Wild Thing
Doing it
Doing the nasty
Dueling Bedsprings
Eat at the Y
Feed the bear
Fenorking
Fit pipe
Flat Dancing
Fooling around
Fuck
Get a leg over
Get your bone honed
Get your noodle wet
Gettin' Busy
Getting you ashes hauled
Getting your bunny boiled
Getting your canoe shellacked
Getting your horns filed
Getting your weiner wet
Give her the time
Giving her a pearl necklace
Go like a rat up a rhododendron
Goin' horizontal
Hammerin'
Hawaiian Muscle Fuck (titty-fuck)
He hasn't had his tires rotated in months
Hide and shriek
Hide the HotDog
Hide the sausage
Hiding the salami
Hobble
Hose
I wanna bust that body
I'm having lunch at the Y. It's a box lunch - furburgers!
I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe
Jump her bones
Lay cable
Lay pipe
Lay the hen
Let's go "Whale some babes"!
Make it
Man, I'd fuck her like a tied yard-dog
Muff dive
Negotiate the forested chasm
Park his car in her garage
Pin her legs back like a Safeway chicken
Play hide the salami
Playing doctor
Poke the yolk
Poking the sushi
Poking the whisker biscuit
Pop you c==k
Pump
Put his snake through her grass
Ride the skin bus into Tuna town
Ring the cash register
Romping
Rope a poke
Saturate the ferrod
Screw
Sharpen the pencil
She hasn't had her ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs
Sink the Pink
Slam her clam
Slam some Ham
Slice the muffin
Slip her the hot beef injection
Slip her the tubesteak!
Slip her the whale
Slip the Salami
Snake her
So horny I have to stand on my hands to pee
Some nookie-nookie honey
Splooge, spunk, gack, splooey
Stoke her yoke
Strop one's beak
Stuff her muff
Stuff the bunny
Swallow the swan
Tame her shrew
Tap your tailpipe
The beast with two backs
The nasty
Tube steak boogie
Varnish one's cane
Wax your candle
Work the hairy oracle


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== P U N S *
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What flowers are on your face?
Two lips.

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What would you do if you smashed your toe?
Call a toe truck.

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Why did the orange get fired from the Tropicana factory?
Because he couldn't concentrate.

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What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
A nervous wreck.

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Why did the muffler go to bed?
Because it was exhausted.

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What do you get when you roll a hand grenade across a kitchen floor?
Linoleum Blownapart.

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What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare line.

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Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

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What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie-talkie, of course.

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What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle?
Run over.

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What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the Phew!

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On the cartoon Yogi Bear, why didn't they make 2 Yogi's?
Because they made a Boo Boo instead.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

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What do you get when you eat Uranium?
Atomic Ache

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A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for granite.

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A man who keep stealing mopeds was an obvious cycle-path.

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A man pleaded innocent of any wrongdoing when caught by the police during a
raid at the house of a mobster. His excuse, "I was making a bolt for the door."

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A man was reading The Canterbury Tales at breakfast one saturday morning. His
wife asked "What have you got there?" "Just my cup and Chaucer."

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A women was in love with fourteen soldiers; it was platoonic.

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Max told his friend he didn't want to go for a hike in the hills. "I'm an
anti-climb Max."

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A new wagon designed for LA rush hour traffic is called the Stationary wagon.

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A Texan down on the range is suing for a divorce. He found his dear and an
interloper playing.

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Two cheerleaders ended up married, they met by chants.

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Two cans of paint got married, later the bride whispered, "Darling, I think I'm
pigment."

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Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie.

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Advice to ice skaters: You can't always tell a brook by its cover.

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A swami stopped in at the butcher shop and asked for butcher for a pound of
liver, but the dishonest butcher weighed down upon the swami's liver.

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A prospector marched into an assayer's office and planted two huge nuggets on
the counter. "Well, don't just stand there, assay something!"

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A fortune-teller started laughing seconds after looking into his crystal
ball. The client hit him. "Why did you do that" "My mother always told me to
strike a happy medium."

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An American family sent some poor cousins in East Germany a package of food.
Weeks later when they heard it still had not arrived, cabled the cousins with
"Cheer up, the wurst is yet to come."

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A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from his
honeymoon a chastened husband. He became aware of the will of the wisp.

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A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble
on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your
marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

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During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him
arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.

In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's a women
who conks to stupor.


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== V A R I O U S L A N G U A G E E X P R E S S I O N S *
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About as funny as a rubber crutch in a polio ward.
About as sharp as a sack full of wet mice. (Foghorn again)
As affectionate as a tea bag. (once said by a friend about a goldfish)
As busy as a one-legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond.
As cold as a shithouse on the shady side of an iceberg.
As funny as a fart in an elevator.
As much chance as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest!
As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
As popular as a rattlesnake in a lucky dip.
As scared as a black man at a white woman's funeral!
As useful as a fart in a colander.
As useful as tits on a bull.
As welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.
As welcome as a pork chop at a bar mitzvah.
Busier than a one-eyed cat watching nine mouseholes.
Busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican wedding.
Busier than one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Cold as a well-digger's bottom.
Colder than a baby in a brass diaper.
Colder than a man in brass boxers.
Colder than a dead eskimo's ass.
Colder than a gold digger's ass in the Klondike!
Colder than a well digger's ass in the Yukon.
Colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra.
Cooler than poodle doodoo in an ice-bucket.
Colder than the north side of a witch's tit.
Couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from the inside, with a guided missile,
given three tries.
Couldn't hit the side of a barn if he was shooting from the inside.
Excited as a blind dog in a meathouse.
Four days older than water.
Fuck it, like two peas in a bucket.
Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the seasick crocodile.
Got the personality of a used condom.
Greatest thing since sliced bread.
Hangs around like a fart in a phone booth. - Barry Humphries
Happier than a puppy with two peckers.
Happy as a fly on shit.
Happy as a hog in mud.
Happy as a pig in shit.
Harder than standing in a hammock.
Horny as a three-peckered billy goat.
Hotter than a 2-bit whore on Friday night.
Hotter than a Puerto Rican credit card.
Hotter than a sweatband in a fireman's helmet.
Hotter than a two-peckered billy goat in mating season.
Hotter than a whore in a pickle patch.
Hotter than a whore on dollar day.
I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers. (When a man's debating with
his friends over a girl they don't find attractive, but he does)
I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.
I'll be on you like stink on shit.
I'll bet you a hog's turd to my daughter and you can hold 3 of my teeth.
If I shoved your brain up a gnat's ass, it would look like a BB in a boxcar.
It wouldn't pull a sick whore out of bed. (when something has no power)
It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock.
Looks like death sucking on a popsickle.
Lower than fish shit.
More fun than stomping the farts out of dead seagulls!
More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockers.
Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Nice kid, but he's got more nerve than a bum tooth.
Noisier than two skeletons screwing on a tin roof with a tin can for a condom.
Not quite the full shilling. (pre-decimal coin worth about 10 cents aust)
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Shakier'n puppy shittin' peach pits.
Slicker than owl shit on a china doorknob!
Slicker than snot on a glass doorknob.
Slicker than snot on a rock.
Snores like a chainsaw in bucket of snot.
Sploched with purple moldy spots.
Stuck like shit on a wool blanket.
Sweatin' like a whore on dollar day!
That boy couldn't hit a barn with an elephant.
That boy couldn't hit an elephant in the ass with a snow shovel.
That boy is slower than molasses running uphill in the winter time.
That boy's got a mouth like a cannon, always shootin' it off.
That Dog's busier than a centipede at a toe countin' contest.
That Dog's strictly G.I. - Gibberin' idiot, that is.
The three words that best describe you are as follows and I quote "STINK, STANK,
STUNK!"
There's not enough people here to stomp out a grass fire.
There's so many ??? you can't chuck a brick without hurting one.
Uglier than a mud-fence after a rain storm.
Wandering about like a fart in a pair of trousers.
Whizzing around like a fart in a colander.
You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel.
You're a crooked jerky jocky.
You're a three decked sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.
You're as cuddly as a cactus.
You're so narrow-minded, you could look through a key-hole with both eyes.
it would look like a pea rolling down a four-lane highway.
Your heart is a dead tomato.
Your heart is an empty hole.
Your heart is filled with unwashed socks.
Your brain is full of spiders.
Your soul is an overflowing dung heap overflowing with the most disgraceful
assortment of rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots.


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== V A R I O U S L A N G U A G E H U M O R *
================================================================================

Stan Kelly-Bootle, in "The Devil's DP Dictionary", has already pointed out
some of the hazards of truncation (or, as he would say, curtation) in daily
life. But I was nonetheless surprised to discover, watching the readout in the
supermarket check-out line, that I had just bought a "CHICKEN LIVE".

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EAST COAST WEST COAST

Absolutely not Maybe
Action item by Feb. 12 for Joe Joe's working on the problem
Bozo Subcontractor
Brawl Design review
Dictator Facilitator
Do it and do it now Can you sign up for this program
Do it right or you're fired I'm confident in you
Fuck off Trust me
Follow the spec Is there a spec?
Get out of my office Let's get a consensus on this one
He's a jerk He's not signed on to our plan
He's a subordinate He's a team player
I'll cover your ass Consider me your resource
Ignore him, he's new I'm bringing you up to speed
Local bar Offsite facility
Oh shit Thanks for bringing that to my attention
Overdesigned Robust
Punch his lights out Constructive confrontation
Shut the fuck up Thank you for your input
Shut up a minute Let me share this with you
That's totally incompetent Let me build on that point
Unemployed Consulting
Overbudget On schedule
Underbudget We haven't started yet
We finished early No translation
We're done How do you feel about that
What's wrong with you I certainly understand your feelings
Where is the spec? What is a spec?
Where's the schedule What is the game plan?
Yes Maybe
Your plan sucks Let me share my feelings on this plan

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I use to work at Orchard Supply Hardware during my college days. I remember
the first week I was there, I stood proud in the isle, blue smock with the gold
OSH letters printed ever so boldly, until this old granny walks up to me and
says: "Sonny, can I see your nuts?" (true story)
Another questions I was asked: "How big are your screws?" - big enough lady!
or... "Do you have the time?" - you got the place? or... "Do you have a prick
punch?" - what size?

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My wife and I once were searching for a Physical Therapy ball for our
daughter. These devices are usually 2 feet or more in diameter. My wife's
sister was visiting once and we all went shopping at the local mall. We were in
a large department store, looking for whatever money could buy and my
sister-in-law, being the helpful type and remembering our needs, wandered off
into the sporting goods section, found a young, male salesperson and very
innocently asked him, "Excuse me. Do you have large balls?". Love to remind her
of this whenever she visits...


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== W H A T ' S T H E D E F I N I T I O N / H E I G H T O F . . . *
================================================================================

Agony
Screwing a meat mincer!
Sliding down a razor blade and using your balls as brakes.

Anxiety
"The IRS is on line one, Mr. Milken".

Auction
A gyp off the old block.

Bravery
A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.

Confusion
Father's Day in Brixton. (or your favorite target location)

Disgusting
Having sex with a pregnant woman - and something grabs your prick.

Egotist
Someone who is always me-deep in conversation.

Embarassing
Farting during sexual climax.
Your partner farting during sexual climax.
Photograph of your wedding/prom show a noticeable booger stuck on your cheek.

Expectation
A gay couple buying a baby's cot.

Frustration
A one-handed man hanging from a cliff with his balls itching really bad.

Gross
Opening your oven and finding your rump roast farting at you.
Kissing your grandmother and having her slip you the tongue.
Biting into a hot dog and noticing that it has veins.
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes through the paper.
Grabbing the doorknob to a public restroom and finding it wet and slimy.
Drinking from a bottle of milk and feeling something solid go down.
Drinking a glass of snot and finding a hair in it!
While doing an autopsy, the body suddenly twitches or moves.
After your kid brother challenges his friend that he can't be out-grossed by
spitting out a large sticky wad of phlegm, his friend just laughs, says
"nice try", and takes out a straw...

Hangover
The wrath of grapes.

Happiness
A warm toilet seat.
Oral sex in the morning
Breaking wind in public, and blaming someone else.
A tightly rolled booger.
Realizing you were wrong the whole time, but you are too drunk to care.
A turd that doesn't splash.
Underwear from the dryer just as it shuts off.

Honesty
Pregnant woman buying two tickets on a bus.

Innocence
Young woman applying Clearasil over her nipples thinking it to be a pimple.
Nun working in condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

Insignificance
When you're in the labor room with your wife, watching the doctor with both
arms buried up to his elbows to turn the baby around properly.

Insolence
Pooping on someone's doorstep, and then knocking on the door to ask if they
have any toilet paper.

Lamb stew
Much ado about mutton.

Laziness
A remote control to locate your other remote controls.

Meter maid
Windshield viper

Mount Everest
28,928 feet

Noise
Two skeletons making love on a tin roof.

Poverty
Used toilet paper on the clothesline.

Procrastination
Constantly reading and posting articles to Usenet!

Rejection
When your masturbating hand falls asleep on you.

Revenge
A bastard punching holes in a condom factory.

Royalty
Lady Diana menstruating blue blood.

Silliness
Screen door on a submarine.
Dinosaur condoms.

Sophistication
Sucking nipples with a straw.

Speed
Sticking your buttocks out of a third story window, running down to the first
floor, and seeing your own butt just disappear up above.

Strain
Teeth marks on a toilet bowl rim.

Sunbather
A fry in the ointment.

Suspense
I will tell you tomorrow.

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