Essex girls
Domenico De Vitto
The Complete Set Of Essex Girl Jokes (287)
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1. Q: What do you call an essex girl with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
2. Q: How do essex girl braincells die?
A: Alone.
3. Q: What do you call an essex girl with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
4. Q: How do you brainwash an essex girl?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
5. Q: What do you call it when an essex girl dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
6. Q: How does an essex girl part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
7. Q: Why aren't essex girls good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
8. Q: What did the essex girl's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
9. Q: Why do essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
10. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
11. Q: Why didn't the essex girl want a window seat on the plane?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around
too much.
12. Q: Why do essex girls wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
13. Q: Why is it good to have an essex girl passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
14. Q: What was the essex girl psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!
15. Q: Why is an essex girl like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
16. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a
recent car crash) and an essex girl have in common?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.
17. Q: What's an essex girl's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
18. Q: How do you make an essex girl's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
19. Q: How do you get an essex girls eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
20. Q: Why should essex girls not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
21. Q1 How can you tell if an essex girl's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another essex girl's been using the computer?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
22. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
23. Q: What do an essex girl and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go
down on you.
24. Q: What did the essex girl think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
25. Q: Why do essex girls wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
26. Q: How do you kill an essex girl?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
27. Q: How do essex girls pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
28. Q: Why don't essex girls eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.
29. Q: What do you call an essex girl with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
30. Q: Why don't essex girls eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
31. Q: Why don't essex girls eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
32. Q: Why do essex girls wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
33. Q: Why do essex girls where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.
34. Q: What does an essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
35. Q: Why do essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
36. Q: Why do essex girls wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
37. Q: How can you tell if an essex girl has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
38. Q: Why don't essex girls use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
39. Q: Why do essex girls wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
40. Q: What do essex girls do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
41. Q: Why don't essex girls in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!
42. Q: What's the mating call of the essex girl?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
43. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly essex girl?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
44. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the essex girls have gone home!"
45. Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that essex girl gone yet?
46a: Q: Why do essex girls drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
b: Q: What do you call an unmarried essex girl in a BMW?
A: A divorcee'.
47. Q: Why do essex girls like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in
effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
48. Q: What is 74 to an essex girl?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
49. Q: Why do essex girls have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
50. Q: Why do essex girls have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits Go In Front.
51. Q: What do you call a brunette with an essex girl on either side?
A: An interpreter.
52. Q: What do you call an essex girl between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
53. Q: How do you change an essex girl's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
54. Q: What do you say to an essex girl that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
55. Q: What do essex girls do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
56. Q: What's the first thing an essex girl does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
57. Q: How does an essex girl like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilized.
58. Q: How does an essex girl like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.
59. Q: What's the first thing an essex girl does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
60. Q: How do essex girls turn the light on after sex?
A: Kick open the car door.
61. Q: Why do essex girls like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
62. Q: Why do essex girls drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
63. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with an essex girl?
A: Bucket seats.
64. Q: What do essex girls say after sex?
A1: "Thanks, Guys!"
A2: "Are you boys all in the same band?"
A3: Do you guys all play for the <team name>?
65. Q: Why is an essex girl like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
66. Q: Why is an essex girl like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
67. Q: What important question does an essex girl ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
68. Q: Why do essex girl girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
69. Q: Why do essex girls have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!
70. Q: How do you tell when an essex girl reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
71. Q: What does an essex girl say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
72. Q: What is it called when an essex girl blows in another essex girl's ear?
A: Data transfer.
73. Q: Why do essex girls use tapons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
74. Q: How can you tell which essex girl is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.
75. Q: What did the essex girl customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her
nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
76. Q: Why do essex girls have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
77. Q: How many essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
78. Q: What's an essex girl's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
79. Q: What do you call a basement full of essex girls?
A: A wine cellar.
80. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
81. Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide essex girls?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
82. Q: What does a peroxide essex girl and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
83. Q: What is the difference between an essex girl and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
84. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
85. Q: What does an essex girl say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
86. Q: What did the essex girl say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
87. Q: What do you call 10 essex girls standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
88. Q: What do you call 15 essex girls in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
89. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb essex girl, and a smart
essex girl are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb essex girl! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart essex girl.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth
Fairy or a smart essex girl and the dumb essex girl thought it was a gum
wrapper.
90. Q: Why did the essex girl scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
91. Q: What do you do when an essex girl throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
92. Q: Why do essex girls take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
93. Q: Why did the essex girl stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
94. Q: Why did the essex girl have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also essex girl!
95. Q: If an essex girl and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The essex girl has to stop to ask for directions.
96. Q: What happens when an essex girl gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
97. Q: What's the difference between Indiana and an essex girl?
A: A essex girl has larger hills and deeper valleys.
98. Q: Whats the difference between an essex girl and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
99. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
100. Q: What is the difference between butter and an essex girl?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
101. Q: What is the difference between an essex girl and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You can't fit the essex girl in the bowling ball.
A3: There is no difference. They're both round and have
three holes to poke.
102. Q: What do a bowling ball and an essex girl have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
103. Q: What is the difference between an essex girl and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
104. Q: What is the difference between a smart essex girl and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
105. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
106. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and a guy?
A: The essex girl has the higher sperm count.
107. Q: What is the difference between an essex girl and the Grand Old Duke of
York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
108. Q: Why is a washing machine better than an essex girl?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
won't follow you around for a week.
109. Q: What do essex girls and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
110. Q: What does a screen door and an essex girl have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
111. Q: What does an essex girl and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
112. Q: What do essex girls and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
113. Q: Why did the deaf essex girl sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
114. Q: What do peroxide essex girls and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
115. Q: What do you call an essex girl with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
116. Q: How do you drown an essex girl?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
117. Q: Why did the essex girl drown in the pool?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
118. Q: Why do essex girls have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
119. Q: How many essex girls does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
120. Q: How do you tell if an essex girl did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
121. Q: What did the essex girl's mom say to her before the essex girl's date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
122. Q: What's the essex girl's cheer?
A: " I'm essex girl, I'm essex girl, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm essex girl, I'm essex girl, yea yea yea..."
123. Q: What do you get when you offer an essex girl a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
124. Q: How does an essex girl moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
125. Q: Why do essex girl's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
126. Q: What do you get when you cross an essex girl and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
127. Q: Why does an essex girl only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
128. Q: How did the essex girl try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
129. Q: How does an essex girl kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
130. Q: Why did the essex girl get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
131. Q: What do you say to an essex girl with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
132. Q: How does an essex girl high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
133. Q: How do you amuse an essex girl for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
134. Q: Why aren't there many essex girl gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
135. Q: Why do essex girls have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
136. Q: Why did the essex girl go half way to Norway and then turn around
and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14-inch Viking was a
television.
137. Q: What is the irritating part around an essex girl's vagina?
A1: The essex girl!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
138. Q: How do you describe an essex girl, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
139. Q: Why do essex girls always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the "11" in "9-1-1".
140. Q: What did the essex girl say when asked if she'd ever been picked
up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."
141. Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of essex girls?
A: Frosted Flakes.
142. Q: What do you call 20 essex girls in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
143. Q: How does an essex girl interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
144. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
145. Q: What did the essex girl say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
146. Q: Why do essex girls have two more brain cells than a cow?
A1: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
A2: So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
147. Q: Why don't essex girls breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.
148. Q: Did you hear about the essex girl lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
149. Q: Why do essex girls put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
150. Q: What did the essex girl name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
151. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside an essex girl's head?
A: A Space Invader.
152. Q: What's an essex girls' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
153. Q: What do you see when you look into an essex girl's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
154. Q: Why do essex girls drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!
155. Q: How do you make an essex girl laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night!
156. Q: Why did God create essex girls?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the essex girls.
157. Q: What do you call an essex girl in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
158. Q: How did the dumb essex girl break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
159. Q: Why do essex girls have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
160. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A essex girl electrician.
161. Q: Why are dumb essex girl jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because essex girls are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
162. Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary an essex girl?
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
163. Q: What do you call a smart essex girl?
A1: A labrador.
A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
164. Q: Why are essex girls hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
165. Q: Why do essex girls have periods?
A: They deserve them.
166. Q: Why did the essex girl fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
167. Q: Why did the essex girl smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
168. Q: What did the essex girl do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
169. Q: Why did they call the essex girl "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
170. Q: What did the essex girl say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
171. Q: Why are essex girls like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
172. Q: How does an essex girl hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
173. Q: How do you know when an essex girl has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
174. Q: How do you drive an essex girl crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
175. Q: What job function does an essex girl have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
176. Q: Do you know why the essex girl got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
177. Q: Why did the essex girl try to steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
178. Q: What do you call an essex girl skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
179. Q: How do you get an essex girl pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
180. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl track team and a tribe of sly
pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.
181. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and the Suez/Panama Canal?
A: One's a busy ditch.
182. Q: What is the difference between an essex girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
183. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
essex girl says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
184. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
185. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
186. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
187. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac,
and an essex girl?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The essex girl says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
188. Q: How do you get an essex girl to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
189. Q: What do you call a dumb essex girl behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
190. Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after an essex girl
drives a car?
A: Cause she blows the horn!
191. Q: What does an essex girl say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
192. Q: Why did the essex girl drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
193. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A essex girl going through a flashing red light.
194. Q: What is happening when you hear varoom...screech, varoom...screech,
varoom...screech.....?
A: A essex girl trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing
red light.
195. Q: Why did the essex girl tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
196. Q: Did you hear about the essex girl couple that were found frozen to death
in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
197. Q: How can you tell when an essex girl is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.
198. Q: How can you tell who is an essex girl's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her
forehead.
199. Q: What is the essex girl's chronic speech impediment?
A: She can't say "No".
200. Q: What did they name the offspring of an essex girl and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.
201. Q: What do you call an essex girl in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
202. Q: Why did the essex girl wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
203. Q: How can you tell if an essex girl works in an office?
A: A bed in the stockroom and huge smiles on all the bosses' faces.
204. Q: Why can't essex girls put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
205. Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for an essex girl?
A: Perri-air.
206. Q: Did you hear about the essex girl coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
207. Q: Why did the essex girl take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.
208. Q: When is it legal to shoot an essex girl in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
209. Q: What is an essex girl's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
210. Q: How do you measure an essex girl's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
211. Q: Why was the essex girl upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
212. Q: What do you call two nuns and an essex girl?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
213. Q: Why did the essex girl cross the road?
R: I don't know.
A: Neither did she.
214. Q: Did you here about the essex girl who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
215. Q: Why did the essex girl want to become a veternarian?
A Because she loved children.
216. Q: What do essex girls do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
217. Q: How do you get a one-armed essex girl out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
218. Q: Why do essex girls have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating essex girl men.
219. Q: To an essex girl, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
220. Q: What is the difference between an essex girl and
a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your
meat out of it.
221. Q: Why did the essex girl keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!
222. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 essex girls.
223. Q: Why did the essex girl tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
224. Q: What does an essex girl make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
225. Q: Why does an essex girl insist on him wearing a condom?
A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.
226. Q: How does an essex girl get pregnant?
A: And I thought essex girls were dumb!
227. Q: How about the suicide essex girl?
A: She dyed by her own hand.
228. Q: Why is the essex girl's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
229. Q: A essex girl is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
230. Q: Why do essex girls like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
231. Q: Why do essex girl's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them for sex!
232. Q: Why don't essex girls make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
233. Q: How can you tell if an essex girl writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
234. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent to an essex girl?
A: There is a stamp on it.
235. Q: Why do all essex girls all have a dimple on their chin and a
flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
236. Q: A essex girl ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
237. Q: What did the essex girl do when she heard that 90% of accidents
occur around the home?
A: She moved.
238. Q: Why did the essex girl scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
239. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A essex girl parade.
240. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
241. Q: What is the difference between an essex girl and a shopping trolley?
A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!
242. Q: How did the essex girl die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
243. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many essex girls were drowning.
244. Q: Why don't essex girls double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
245. Q: How can you tell if an essex girl is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
246. Q: Why did Bush want to send essex girls with PMS over to Iraq?
A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.
247. Q: What does an essex girl owl say?
A: What, what?
248. Q: What do you call 25 essex girls on top of each other?
A: An air mattress.
249. Q: What do you call five essex girls at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
250. Q: Why is it okay for essex girls to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
251. Q: How did the essex girl burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
252. Q: Why do essex girls have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell
if they're going to work or coming home.
253. Q: Did you hear about the essex girl who tried to blow up her
husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
254. Q: What do you call a zit on an essex girl's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
255. Q: What do you get when you turn 3 essex girls upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
256. Q: What do you call an essex girl lesbian?
A: A waste.
257. Q: How would an essex girl punctuate the following?:
"Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
258. Q: Why did the essex girl cross the road?
A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
259. Q: What do an essex girl and Presdient Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
260. Q: What's the difference between an essex girl and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.
261. Q: How do you describe the perfect essex girl?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
262. Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb essex girl nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
263. Q: How do you confuse an essex girl?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
264. A brunette and an essex girl are walking along in a park. The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The essex girl stops,
looks up, and says, "Where?"
265. A policeman pulled an essex girl over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Essex girl: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.
266. A essex girl was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same essex girl drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
had cleaned 43 restrooms.
267. A cop stops an essex girl woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the essex girl
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
268. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
could do without the ironing lady.
Essex Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do
without the gardener.
269. A essex girl and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Essex girl: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Essex girl: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
270. Three essex girls are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Essex girl: We need help. We're three essex girls changing
a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Essex girl: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Essex girl: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Essex girl: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Essex girl: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Essex girl: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
we all fell and hurt ourselves.
271. What about the essex girl guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...
272. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and an essex girl. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to
try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really
tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the essex girl thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think
I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight,
but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
273. This essex girl and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
the essex girl said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
you finger out, I'll sink?"
274. Two essex girls were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said,
"Oh, look at the deer tracks."
The other essex girl looks and says,
"Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are deer tracks."
They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half hour later, they
were both killed by a train.
275. The essex girl came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
was wrong and the essex girl said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
Her mother (an essex girl) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
the birds and the bees and the essex girl said: "No ma. I can fuck and
suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."
276. Two essex girls observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Essex girl#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Essex girl#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!
277. A essex girl was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
her. The essex girl says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
hit me right in the face!!!"
Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."
278. A dumb Essex girl died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Essex girl thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
Andy tells me..."
279. A essex girl's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have to think -- I'm essex girl!"
280. A essex girl, brunette and redhead went into a bar and told the
bartender:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Essex girl: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Essex girl: "7 and 7"
282. A government study has shown that essex girls do have more fun -
they just don't remember who with.
283. Two essex girls were driving along a road by a wheat field when
they saw an essex girl in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver essex girl turned to her friend and said,
"You know - it's essex girls like that that give us a bad name!"
To this the other essex girl replied
"I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and
drown her."
284. Over the weekend I(can't remember name - on newsgrazer) heard a
essex girl telling this joke:
*Essex girl Asks: What do you call an essex girl in between two
brunettes?
*Essex girl Answers: An interprolater!
We were laughing so hard we thought we were going to die. The funny
part was that she thought we were laughing at her joke.
285. Two brunettes and an essex girl are in the hospital awaiting the
arrival of their first children.
1st brunette says, "I know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz
I conceived while I was on my back".
2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on
top during conception".
The essex girl says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"
286. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In
the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down, went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of essex girls laying
sod across the street.
287. Did you hear about the essex girl who:
a)had more on her body than on her mind?
b)was called "Sanka" 'cuz she had no active ingredient in the bean?
c)took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
d)got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
e)was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
f)had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
g)thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?
h)went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
i)brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
j)stayed up all night to see where the sun went ?
It finally dawned on her.
k)thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?
l)started the restaurant with the slogan
"Billions Served - just today"?
m)went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
She later found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
Huh ? search and what ? Nooo.
Domenico De Vitto
I ass, you idiot, you are really the scum of the earth.
get a life !
Dom De Vitto
Sim Human
these looked a lot like the blonde jokes......
pretty cheap......
=============================================================================
chro...@uokmax.ecn.uoknor.edu University of Oklahoma, Norman
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Given any particular problem, the number of incorrect solutions is infinitely
larger than the number of correct solutions; thus the probability of arriving
at a correct solution is zero. - Me
=============================================================================
van...@flab.fujitsu.co.jp
In article <1992Jul4.1...@constellation.ecn.uoknor.edu> chro...@kittyhawk.ecn.uoknor.edu (Sim Human) writes:
> Hmmmm,
> these looked a lot like the blonde jokes......
> pretty cheap......
I believe that was his point. The jokes have been around for many
years in many parts of the world, its just that people call them by
different names. In the neck of the woods where I'm from, these are
commonly referred to as "Surrey Girl Jokes" (Surrey is a suburb of
Vancouver, BC) or "Blonde Jokes." Yes, there is a difference.
- Blonde jokes generally poke fun at the stereotypical stupidity of
people of a certain gender and a certain hair colour.
- Surrey girl (or Essex, or whatever) jokes generally poke fun at
the stereotypical sexual activities of people from a certain neighbourhood.
Seems that some Americans have just blurred the distinction,
and labelled them all "blonde jokes." Sheesh!
--
Mike van der Velden email: van...@tokyo.hi.flab.fujitsu.co.jp
Distributed Systems Laboratory
Fujitsu Laboratories Ltd.
1015, Kamikodanaka Nakahara-ku
Kawasaki 211, Japan