Canonical List Of Animal Humor 4/5
Reality Terabytes
-= dog =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Wright On Dogs
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.
-= dog =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark
to read. - Groucho Marx
-= dog =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog. - Haitian
Farmer
-= dog =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------------
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
-= dog =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------------------
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
-= dog =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping
your leg?
You let the pit bull finish.
-= dog =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the cinema the other day, and in the front row was an old man and with
him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the
sad part the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part the dog laughed its
head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended,
I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen,"
I said, "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film". The man turned "Yeah, it
is, he hated the book".
-= dog =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it out for a drag.
-= dog =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing. He wont come when you call him, anyway.
-= dog =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every
morning.
Husband: Well, lots of dogs can do that.
Wife: But we've never subscribed to any papers.
Husband: What?!
-= dog =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------------------
These two kids are sitting in a wagon pulled by their dog. A policeman
happens by and sees this, and comes over to talk to the kids. He says, "You
can't make your dog pull you in the wagon. That's cruelty to animals." Then he
looks a little closer at the dog and sees that it has a piece of string wrapped
around its balls, and that one of the kids is holding tightly to the other end.
"Hey, you can't tie string to your dog's testicles," he says. "That's not
humane."
One of the little kids leans over to his friend, "What are testicles??"
"Dunno. I think he's talking about the passing gear!"
-= dog =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------------------------
An old, arthritic, and exceptionally stupid dog was snoozing in the middle of
the road. Suddenly, a big street cleaning vehicle comes by and maims the dog,
tossing him to the side of the road. Some time later, a yuppie couple stop in
their BMW 535i and pull over to see how the dog is. "Good Lord," says the guy,
"Are you all right?" To which the dog replies, "No, I'm a flayed mutt."
-= dog =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a department store.
The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and
starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So,
he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind
man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
-= dog =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has
been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told
the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.
Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my
honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my
wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place
was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the
competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing
there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He
told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I
said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I
separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your
Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told
him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too." Last night, Sex
ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to
me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I
said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday.
-= dog =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------------------------
This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario, about an
unusual telephone service call he handled while living in England.
It is common practice in England to signal a telephone subscriber by
signaling with 90 volts across one side of the two wire circuit and ground
(earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the
two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the
same line to be signalled without disturbing each other.
This particular subscriber, an elderly lady with several pets, called to say
that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few
occasions when it did manage to ring her dog always barked first. Torn between
curiosity to see this psychic dog and a realization that standard service
techniques might not suffice in this case, Pat proceeded to the scene. Climbing
a nearby telephone pole and hooking in his test set, he dialed the subscriber's
house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed
by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:
a. Dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and
collar
b. Dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current
c. After several jolts, the dog was urinating on ground and barking
d. Wet ground now conducted and phone rang.
-= dog =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.
-= dog =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
-= dog =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A three-legged dog walks into a bar, carrying a shotgun. He walks up to the
bar and says, "Whisky."
Bartender looks at the three-legged dog and says, "Sure, but what's with the
shotgun?"
The three-legged dog replies, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my pa'."
-= dog =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------------------------
According to the January issue of Smithsonian magazine, a Beatrice, Nebraska,
man left his pet bulldog in the car for a few minutes at a gas station. When
the man tried to get back in, he found that the dog, perhaps peeved over some
slight, had locked all the doors.
-= dog =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------------------------
May 19, 1991
Dogged Approach To What's Important
In a two-day period in New York City recently, a homeless man, a train
maintenance worker, and a dog were killed on the subway tracks. Ninety people
telephoned the Transit Authority to express concern about the dog, but only
three called about the worker, and no one about the homeless man.
-= dog =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------------------------
All trees have bark.
All dogs bark.
Therefore, all dogs are trees.
The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.
-= dog =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Drug Sniffing Dogs Star On Cards
By Philip J. LaVelle
Copley News Service
San Diego There's a new breed of San Diego All-Stars on the national
trading-card scene, and we're not talking Benito Santiago in fact, we're talking
about a bunch of dogs.
Real ones.
With names like Snag, Sinbad and Simon, these furry quadrupeds are the
first-stringers in the U.S. Customs Service's war on drugs. From San Diego to
Miami, these sharp-nosed pooches have sniffed out a combined $12 billion in
hidden narcotics booty.
And starting this month, their smiling dog faces began showing up nationwide
on trading cards stuffed into Milk-Bone Dog Biscuit boxes. It's all part of a
cooperative venture between the doggie treat maker and the Customs Service.
"We figure it's great exposure for both Milk-Bone and for the U.S. Customs
drug dogs," said Ann Smith, spokeswoman for Nabisco Foods Group, parent of
Milk-Bone.
"This is something Nabisco feels strongly about. They believe in the message
that they give to the children," Smith said from corporate headquarters in
Parsippany, N.J.
The message: a simple Just Say No-style moral, is delivered in a kind of
Lassie vs. the Cartel Lords plot.
The front of the cards features a photo of the happy-faced, furry cops.
On the back: The dog's seizure stats, a number kids can call to snare
suspected smugglers (800-BE-ALERT), and the exhortation to "Stop Drug
Smuggling!"
Customs began using about a half-dozen dogs in the early 1970s. Now there are
more than 300 dogs in the service many of them rescued from the pound.
"We pull 'em off of Death Row and give them a shot," Customs Service
spokesman Steve Duchesne said from Washington, D.C. "Many of these are dogs
that people don't want any more. However, they're basically intelligent animals
that have incredibly keen senses."
Duchesne said the dogs go through a 12-week training program. The graduates
are "highly trained, effective officers," he said. Those that flunk are put into
private homes, and not returned to the pound.
Of 24 dogs featured nationally, seven are from the San Diego County-Imperial
County region.
Snag, a 4-year-old Labrador retriever based in San Diego, wagged his tail
into history on Oct. 4, 1990, when he sniffed out 8,705 pounds of Colombian
cocaine hidden in a propane gas tanker stopped at the Otay Mesa border crossing.
That load worth nearly $784 million was the largest border seizure in U.S.
history.
Other San Diego star dogs include Sinbad (Labrador retriever mix, $38.9
million in career seizures); Blow (Labrador mix, $17.3 million); Simon (golden
retriever, $82.5 million); Tia (Labrador, $48.1 million); Tom (Labrador, $40.3
million); and Benny (golden retriever, $20 million).
The trading card program began 18 months ago in Dallas, where Customs dog
trainers took their charges on the road to local schools for "demonstration"
visits. The visits ended with trainers handing out doggie trading cards to
students.
Demand for the cards soon outstripped supply.
Rather than end up in the doghouse of defeat, the feds began looking for
corporate sponsors for their trading cards, and found a partner in Milk-Bone.
Duchesne said Milk-Bone was the only dog food manufacturer to take up the
service's call for help.
-= dog =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------------------------
The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail.
Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages. Today,
we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by way of
Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master when it
vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog's master, who was fishing at the time,
hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He looked closely at its
mouth and said to himself (probably) "Thereby hangs a tail."
Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out after
the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the
pike, "barking excitedly."
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that got
away. In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier to
tell about the one that didn't?
-= dog =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops.
She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He
thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll
just get him."
With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds
later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It
is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It
immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.
"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my apple', he'll
eat whatever you've mentioned." The lady watches in astonishment as the dog
zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced
from his pocket.
"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes
later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.
"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets
back home. "He can fly!"
The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? My foot!"
-= dog =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a rotweiler and a social worker?
It's easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!
-= dog =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.
-= dog =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.
-= dog =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday.
An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her looking at a puddle
in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."
-= dog =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I turned on my lawn sprinkler as my dog was crossing the yard. He thought it
was the hydrant getting even with him.
-= dog =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a tree like a dog?
Because they both lose their bark when they die.
-= dog =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.
-= dog =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy and his mother were walking down the road. She says to him, "Look
Jim, that's a puddle of H2O." The boy replies, "No mummy, that's a puddle of
K9P!"
-= dog =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Ten Ways To Deal With A Savage Rottweiler
1. Show it who's master.
As soon as a rottweiler looks as if it is about to attack you, immediately don a
mortar board and black cape, stand by a blackboard and begin giving it a lesson
in Social Studies. It will thus realise that you are its master and will
immediately become an attentive pupil. Make it write out a hundred times "I
must not lick my bollocks in class."
2. Roll it a large joint.
If a Rottweiler is adopting an unpleasantly hostile attitude, skin up a reefer
the size of a turnip and offer it a toke. The dog's expression will transform
into a huge grin, its eyes will glaze over and it will giggle uncontrollably at
anything you may say, like "Let go of my leg you bastard!"
3. Lie down in front of the dog in non-violent protest against its use of
aggression to dominate, subjugate, and intimidate you.
Er, perhaps this isn't such a good idea after all.
4. Wave a stopwatch in front of its eyes and convince it that it is feeling
sleepy.
Hypnosis is an effective form of influencing behaviour. When the dog is under
your power, suggest to it that it become something less aggressive and violent -
such as a thermonuclear device. Also, try regressing it to see what previous
lives it may have had. One particularly vicious rottweiler has confessed under
hypnosis to having been Vlad the Impaler, Pot Pol and Norman Tebbit in its
previous existences.
5. Show it a picture of Anne Diamond.
Very effective this. You'll find it will turn on its heels and flee, whining
loudly with its tail between its legs.
6. Pretend you are Saint Francis of Assisi.
Quickly change into a monk's habit, shave the crown of your head and hum a few
bars in Italian of "If I could talk to the animals" from Dr Dolittle. The
rottweiler will immediately assume that you are a twelfth century saint and
begin to frolic around you in joyful celebration of the plenitude of God's
creation.
7. Convince it that you are a hazelnut yoghurt.
Or a softly boiled egg, or a glass of Cornish tap water, and that any attempt to
have a quick taste of any part of you will result in either immediate death, or
a bad dose of the shits, or permanent hair loss.
8. Try to distract its attention.
Throw it a young child to chew, or point out another bystander who looks more
appetising than yourself.
9. Prepare a selection of vegetarian dishes.
Convince it of the ideological objections to eating meat, especially humans, and
show it a number of tasty, wholesome vegetarian alternatives.
10. Take a shotgun and blow the bastard's brains out.
A quick, satisfying, though slightly messy method of calming the rottweiler.
Also has long term side-effects such as extreme sluggishness, lack of appetite
and a tendency to decompose in unsightly fashion.
Taken from "The Truth" (August/September Issue)
-= dog =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I heard this at a folk festival in Orkney this summer. Try to read it in a
Scots accent - that's the way it was spoken.
A butcher is leaning on the counter towards the close of day when a wee dog
wi' a basket in its jaws comes pushin' through the door. "An' wot's this
then?", he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You li'tle bugger." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and
a tenner in the basket. [A tenner is ten pounds sterling - about Cdn$20]
The scribble on the note asks for 3 pounds of his best mince [ground beef].
The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the
dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog grrrrrrrs at him. The
butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the
fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his
thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?". Again the dog growls menacingly.
"All right, all right", as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out,
drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a fiver. The dog threatens to
chew him off at the ankles. Another fiver goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The
dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the
lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the
corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, the dog's
owner screams abuse at the dog and then tries to kick the dog inside. "Hey,
what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there". "Stoopid dog -
that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
-= dog =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------------------------
The life sentence of Taro the dog was commuted in February 1994, permitting his
release from the Bergen County Jail and his deportation from New Jersey. Taro
had been sentenced to die under the state's "vicious dog" law, but appeals had
continued until Taro had spent more than 1,000 days behind bars in his climate-
controlled kennel and had cost taxpayers more than $100,000 in expenses.
-= dog =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Heard on CJAD on George Balcan's Bad Joke Friday:
A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his dog.
The little dog is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says,
"Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract.
This dog can make us both rich."
The man brings his little dog to the talent scouts office. The little dog is
just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile" (and sounding like Luciano
Pavarotti), when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of
the neck. She (it's a bitch) runs away with him in her mouth.
The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!"
The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want
him to be an entertainer. She wants him to be a doctor."
================================================================================
== ELEPHANT (list maintained by har...@atm.dal.ca) =============================
-= elephant =-= 40 =----------------------------------------------------------
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to
challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the
Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when
the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the
little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do
you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him; I was just trying to
trip him up."
-= elephant =-= 41 =----------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why.
Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all
4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first
person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get
$50,000. All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.
Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat.
He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephant's balls
pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the
$50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the
prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head
back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000
prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his
limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says,
"Remember me?" The elephant nods yes. The man says holds up his bat and says,
"Want me to use this again?" The elephant nods his head rather emphatically
no...
-= elephant =-= 42 =----------------------------------------------------------
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many
people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get
people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade
for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere
that elephants don't laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying
an elephant. It just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the
circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the
elephant.
Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make
the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Well, a lot of people thought
they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full.
Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will
give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."
"Yeah, he's out back."
After about five minutes, tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be
heard coming from behind the bar. Everyone in the bar raced back to see what
was going on. When they got there, the elephant was laughing!!! The man could
not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger
who had made the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could
not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant
cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but
they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally, the man who had
gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the
sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from
laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see
the elephant. In less than a minute, a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All
the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running
down its cheeks. Once again, a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man.
Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the
elephant to laugh and then to cry. "Easy." said the man, "When I first went
back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
-= elephant =-= 43 =----------------------------------------------------------
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular
procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After
cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table,
grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?". Suddenly, the penis
came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was
silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I
just saw...can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to,
but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
-= elephant =-= 44 =----------------------------------------------------------
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot.
She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, "Help
me, help me."
But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his
wicked way with her. Replies the elephant, "Anything! Anything!"
So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.
Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole
episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently, he fell out of the tree on top
of the elephant. Says the elephant: "Ouch!" Says the ant, in his own little
frenzy: "Suffer bitch, suffer!!!"
-= elephant =-= 45 =----------------------------------------------------------
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a
sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she say
this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games.
Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic
wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over
when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch
about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't
do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little
green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quick happy about
herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some
crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only
to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant
games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic
looking sight, but a pink elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and
that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and
*poof*, the elephant was all grey. All happy now, the elephant was checking
himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an
embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that
she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the
wizard is", he sobbed. "Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad",
said the good witch.
-= elephant =-= 46 =----------------------------------------------------------
From Earthweek column by Steve Newman in "The Atlanta Journal" Dec 21.
An Indian Army camp in the eastern state of West Bengal is plagued by a herd of
elephants that regularly breaks in and guzzles the rum supply in the main
warehouse. New Delhi's "Statesman" reported that electric fences, bonfires and
railings have been no match for the invaders. The wily animals have learned to
hose out the bonfires, and to demolish electrified fences by smashing them with
wooden logs grasped in their trunks. Once inside the camp, they break open the
bottles of rum, then stagger away once they have had their fill. Forest
Department sources say the herd originally strayed into the region from Bhutan
in search of food, but instead developed a taste for Army rum.
-= elephant =-= 47 =----------------------------------------------------------
Pachydermic Personnel Prediction
A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has
consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in
funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where
talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by
the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization
have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the
best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be
infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The
procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The
subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the
classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the
general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.
Classification Guidelines
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything
that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced
mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of
mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then
leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their
graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly
language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random,
and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any
previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid
enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all,
but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations
research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet
color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will
only identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch
with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing
about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an
entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt
elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president
does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible
elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the
vice president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment
the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any
recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption
that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. Quality
assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other
hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they
haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software sales
people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop
elephants.
Validation
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people
surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to
recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was
determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent
confidence in statistics.
Acknowledgment
This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of many people,
all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by name. Three scientists were one
day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside
and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been
documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week
after the experiment had started they began to realize why the idea had never
been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out. One of the
scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so
they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung,
then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the
monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist went
1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they
were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
Baaannnggg!!!!!!! The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in
shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away)
was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away
they noticed that he was in fits of laughter. "What the %$*& is so funny?"
asked one of the scientist. "You should have seen the monkey's face trying to
get the cork back in!!!"
-= elephant =-= 48 =----------------------------------------------------------
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of
a sudden, he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this
pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By
chance, a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to
investigate.
He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Don't
worry, I am going to save you".
The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle
promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws a rope from the Porsche into
the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls
him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause). So grateful is the
elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same
for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger).
As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking through the
jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his
friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh) The elephant shouts "Don't
worry chicken I will save you".
So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small
and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his
trunk, but, alas, this also is too small. As a last desperate effort, the
elephant throws in his his penis. Success! The chicken grabs the elephants
enormous penis and climbs out to safety.
Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to
pull a chick."
-= elephant =-= 49 =----------------------------------------------------------
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and
are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house.
The boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it and says, "Mummy,
what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son, is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not being satisfied with
her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No, at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman..."
-= elephant =-= 50 =----------------------------------------------------------
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll
nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With
His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
-= elephant =-= 51 =----------------------------------------------------------
Hickory Dickory Dock
An elephant ran up the clock
The clock is being repaired
-= elephant =-= 52 =----------------------------------------------------------
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
-= elephant =-= 53 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
Sir.
-= elephant =-= 54 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
Anything you want, it can't hear you.
-= elephant =-= 55 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck.
-= elephant =-= 56 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
-= elephant =-= 57 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why are elephants large grey and wrinkled?
Because if they were small white and smooth, they would be aspirins.
-= elephant =-= 58 =----------------------------------------------------------
How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He paints his nuts red and sits in a cherry tree.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.
Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
No? See, it works!!!
How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.
What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
Why did the elephant wear yellow tennis shoes?
So he wouldn't be seen in a lemon tree.
-= elephant =-= 59 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
-= elephant =-= 60 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
What sound do monkeys hate most?
Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
-= elephant =-= 61 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.
-= elephant =-= 62 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin.
-= elephant =-= 63 =----------------------------------------------------------
Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
-= elephant =-= 64 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many legs does an elephant have?
Four, two in the front, two in the back.
-= elephant =-= 65 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Chicken's day off.
-= elephant =-= 66 =----------------------------------------------------------
What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
About 5 m.p.h.
-= elephant =-= 67 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if you pass an elephant?
You can't get the toilet seat down.
-= elephant =-= 68 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic!
-= elephant =-= 69 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
Free Parking.
-= elephant =-= 70 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Sole use of the elevator.
-= elephant =-= 71 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!
-= elephant =-= 72 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
It's bike is outside.
-= elephant =-= 73 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
There is a dent in the cross-bar.
-= elephant =-= 74 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
-= elephant =-= 75 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
-= elephant =-= 76 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
-= elephant =-= 77 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
-= elephant =-= 78 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Bloody great holes all over Australia.
-= elephant =-= 79 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elephino.
-= elephant =-= 80 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
-= elephant =-= 81 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants wear sandals?
So that they don't sink in the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
-= elephant =-= 82 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the
way.
-= elephant =-= 83 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
They're both blue, except for the elephant.
-= elephant =-= 84 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
-= elephant =-= 85 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
-= elephant =-= 86 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is a furry alligator?
A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
-= elephant =-= 87 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
No?
Well, it must work.
-= elephant =-= 88 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
-= elephant =-= 89 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
Because they might let down their trunks.
-= elephant =-= 90 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's six feet long and hangs from trees in Africa?
Elephant snot.
-= elephant =-= 91 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in your yard?
The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
-= elephant =-= 92 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
-= elephant =-= 93 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
Zero; a mountain climber is a scaler.
-= elephant =-= 94 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.
-= elephant =-= 95 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's gray and comes in quarts?
An elephant.
-= elephant =-= 96 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
Swim for your life!!
-= elephant =-= 97 =----------------------------------------------------------
Don't call an elephant, he may come!
-= elephant =-= 98 =----------------------------------------------------------
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning, the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn", says the ant, "One night of passion
and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
-= elephant =-= 99 =----------------------------------------------------------
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest
animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of
bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't
stand near the elephant's backside....Madam, please don't stand near the
elephant's backside...Madam...Madam..., too late; George, dig her out.
-= elephant =-= 100 =----------------------------------------------------------
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
-= elephant =-= 101 =----------------------------------------------------------
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano
keys! Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
-= elephant =-= 102 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.
-= elephant =-= 103 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
grey, yellow?
An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
-= elephant =-= 104 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
-= elephant =-= 105 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
Because, if it was small, white and smooth, it would be an Aspirin.
-= elephant =-= 106 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
An inside out elephant.
-= elephant =-= 107 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
-= elephant =-= 108 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is grey and not there.
No elephants.
-= elephant =-= 109 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun, of course.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then
shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and
then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
-= elephant =-= 110 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get an elephant into a VW?
Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put
the elephant inside, close the fridge.
How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
2 in the front and 2 in the back
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