Many Lawyer Jokes.

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Maximilian McGahon

May 17, 1997, 3:00:00 AM5/17/97

Sometimes I think I picked the wrong profession.
I sense hostility.
ex aequo et bono,

> Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
> A. A tick falls off of you when you die.
> Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
> A. To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
> service.
> Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
> A. Stick his bill up his ass.
> Q. What do you have when 100 Lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
> A. Not enough sand.
> Q. What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
> in the road?
> A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
> Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
> A. A Doberman.
> Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
> A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They
> cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
> Q. What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
> A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
> Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
> A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out
> which side to spit on.
> Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
> A. Lipstick.
> Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
> A. Skeet.
> Q. What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
> A. Chelsea.
> Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit
> him?
> A. It might be your bicycle.
> Q. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
> walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
> hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
> A. The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
> Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...
> A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
> pockets.
> Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
> A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
> "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
> "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
> "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"
> A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to
> time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
> capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After
> a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up
> behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said,
> "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your
> brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't
> speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and
> translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in
> Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the
> cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He
> said 'Get lost, Gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"
> For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn.
> The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's
> daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase
> up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an
> infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
> pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten
> married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my
> folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and
> talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family
> than a lawyer."
> Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
> have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
> A. Shoot the lawyer. Twice. >>

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