Canonical List Of Wedding/Marriage Humor 2/3
Too Live Krewe
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Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
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You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
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Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...
Firstly, The Marriage Game,
Followed by, Great Temptation,
The Untouchables,
Mission Impossible,
The Time is Right,
Rawhide and Bonanza.
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When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's
already experienced the better part.
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Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car
To Bed or Bust
She got him today - He'll get her tonight
Just living together
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Daffynitions:
Bachelor: A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
Bachelor: A man who never made the same mistake once.
Bachelor: A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
Bachelor: A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
Bachelor: The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree
to let her have her own way.
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.
Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
Husband: A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and waits
until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping.
Husband: A man who stands by his wife in troubles she'd never have had if she
didn't marry him.
Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat
you to the draw.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his
wife pleases.
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in
the market.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have
had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.
Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.
Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have
excessive control over his personal affairs.
Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.
Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.
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Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex
"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
"I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
"I'm not really married."
"It's only a cold sore."
"Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
"Size isn't important."
"This won't hurt, I promise."
"We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
"We'll always be together."
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
All the good ones are taken.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
Do it only with the best.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space
program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law)
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
It is always the wrong time of month.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
Love comes in spurts.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Never say no.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Nice guys finish last.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll
never be quite the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nothing improves with age.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Sex has no calories.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
convey its full meaning.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how
long it is going to last.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much
you love them.
The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her
with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she
can't stand years later.
The younger the better.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But
there is nothing exactly like it.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Virginity can be cured.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him,
and vice versa...
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
================================================================================
== WEDDING BELLS ===============================================================
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A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the
girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the
happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing
black..."
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One time, before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to
several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to
the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably
a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to
please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about a dozen of them)
slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and
flirted a bit. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom
on the cheek while grabbing his butt. It's probably not original, but it worked
pretty well.
Another twist to this would be to distribute 15 blank keys to male friends of
the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then,
during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that
since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment
should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the 15 pre-selected
men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the
groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their
key.
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Someone once pulled a pretty funny, but pretty simple, joke on a friend of ours.
They simply took an large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom of the
groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt
down for his vows, you get the idea...
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>NEW<
At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud
8-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room
screaming 10 minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn't
marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife and I
am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.
Know any good actresses?
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>NEW<
This is what happened to my cousin at his wedding. When they got home to their
appartment at about 4 A.M., they found a couple of hundred cups filled with
water on the floor. The line of cups reached from the entrance up the stairs to
the bedroom. It took them a some hours to remove them, since the cups have been
GLUED to them floor. After they had successfully reached the bedroom, they had
the next surprise: NO FURNITURE in there...
I really liked that prank, but I sure hope this doesn't happen to me...
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main
Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" "Just be quiet,"
snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the
chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say" "And I said to keep
quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his
prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the
fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he
asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted
for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to
the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep
his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the
sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I want
the traditional service."
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Why don't young girls fart?
Because they have to grow up and marry an asshole!
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An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began
passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what
the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her
third finger, left hand, and announced: "It's a boy - six feet tall and 190
pounds!"
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Today, when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering
squad, and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a boarder.
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As reported on CNN:
Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it
be known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend).
The bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the
guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards),
and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.
The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The
last song the band played before taking its break? - "I fought the law, and the
law won".
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From the San Antonio Express-News 4/12/92 -
Kathy Abbott wore an off-white antique lace gown at her wedding in East
Rutherford, N.J. The groom, Tom McLaughlin, wore a red tank top - all the better
to show off arms tattooed with figures of Old West saloons and American Indians.
They signified the permanence of their marriage - his third, her fourth - by
having their ring fingers tattooed.
"It has more meaning," said McLaughlin, a 37-year-old truck driver. "You
can't loose it."
In any other setting, their wedding Friday would be considered unusual. But
it was more than appropriate at the 13th annual National Tattoo Convention.
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WhiteBoard News
Los Angeles, California:
The bride's wedding dress was stolen. The groom's tux was looted. And the
photographer and limousine service cancelled at the last minute after rioting
hit south central Los Angeles.
But Victoria LeMelle and Roger Compton walked down the aisle Saturday in a
church fragrant with carnations, white roses and the smell of smoke from the
fires that nearly ruined their nuptials.
"I'm happy anyway," the new Mrs. Compton, a 28-year-old bus driver, said
Sunday. "We just decided we weren't going to let a bunch of ignorant people get
in our way. May 2nd was our day, and nobody was going to stop us."
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Personal ad in a local paper:
David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: engagement, wedding, and teething.
Have news. Debbie.
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"So you want another day off," snorted the office manager to his clerk. "I'm
anxious to hear what excuse you have this time. You've been off for your
grandfather's funeral four times already." Replied the clerk, "Today, my
grandma is getting married again."
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Marriage Customs: AD 200, Northern Europe
Among the Germanic Goths, a man married a woman from within his own
community. When women were in short supply, he captured his bride-to-be from a
neighboring village. The future bridegroom, accompanied by a male companion,
seized any young girl who had strayed from the safety of her parental home. Our
custom of a "best man" is a relic of that two-man, strong-armed tactic; for such
an important task, only the best man would do.
From this practice of abduction, which literally swept a bride off her feet,
also sprang the later symbolic act of carrying the bride over the threshold of
her new home.
A best man around AD 200 carried more than a ring. Since there remained the
real threat of the bride's family attempting to forcibly gain her return, the
best man stayed by the groom's side throughout the marriage ceremony, alert and
armed. He also might serve as a sentry outside the newlyweds' home. Of course,
much of this is German folklore, but it is not without written documentation and
physical artifacts. For instance, the threat of recapture by the bride's family
was perceived as so genuine that beneath the church altars of many early peoples
- including the Huns, the Goths, the Visigoths, and the Vandals - lay an arsenal
of clubs, knives, and spears.
The tradition that the bride stand to the left of the groom was also more
than a meaningless etiquette. Among the Northern Europeans barbarians (so named
by the Romans), a groom placed his captured bride on his left to protect her,
freeing his right hand, the sword hand, against sudden attack.
Wedding Rings: 2800 BC, Egypt
The origin and significance of the wedding rings is much disputed. One
school of thought maintains that the modern ring is symbolic of the fetters used
by barbarians to tether a bride to her captor's home. If that be true, today's
double ring ceremonies fittingly express the newfound equality of the sexes.
The other school of thought focuses on the first actual bands exchanged in a
marriage ceremony. A finger ring was first used in the Third Dynasty of the Old
Kingdom of Egypt, around 2800 BC. To the Egyptians, a circle, having no
beginning or end, signified eternity - for which marriage was binding.
Rings of gold were the most highly valued by wealthy Egyptians, and later
Romans. Among numerous two-thousand-year-old rings unearthed at the site of
Pompeii is one of a unique design that would become popular throughout Europe
centuries later, and in America during the Flower Child era of the '60s
and '70s. That extant gold marriage ring (of the type now called a friendship
ring) has two carved hands clasped in a handshake.
There is evidence that young Roman men of moderate financial means often went
for broke for their future brides. Tertullian, a Christian priest writing in the
second century AD, observed that "most women know nothing of gold except the
single marriage ring placed on one finger." In public, the average Roman
housewife proudly wore her gold band, but at home, according to Tertullian, she
"wore a ring of iron."
In earlier centuries, a ring's design often conveyed meaning. Several extant
Roman bands bear a miniature key welded to one side. Not that the key
sentimentally suggested a bride had unlocked her husband's heart. Rather, in
accordance with Roman law, it symbolized a central tenet of the marriage
contract: that a wife was entitled to half her husband's wealth, and that she
could, at will, help herself to a bag of grain, a roll of linen, or whatever
rested in his storehouse. Two millennia would drag on before that civil
attitude would reemerge.
Diamond Engagement Ring: 15th Century, Venice
A Venetian wedding document dated 1503 lists "one marrying ring having
diamond." The gold wedding ring of one Mary of Modina, it was among the early
betrothal rings that featured a diamond setting. They began a tradition that
probably is forever.
The Venetians were the first to discover that the diamond is one of the
hardest, most enduring substances in nature, and that fine cutting and polishing
releases its brilliance. Diamonds, sets in bands of silver and gold, became
popular for betrothal rings among wealthy Venetians toward the close of the
fifteenth century. Rarity and cost limited their rapid proliferation throughout
Europe, but their intrinsic appeal guaranteed them a future. By the seventeenth
century, the diamond ring had become the most popular, sought-after statement of
European engagement.
One of history's early diamond engagement rings was also its smallest, worn
by a two-year-old bride-to-be. The ring was fashioned for the betrothal of
Princess Mary, daughter of Henry VIII, to the dauphin of France, son of King
Francis I. Born on February 28, 1518, the dauphin was immediately engaged as a
matter of state policy, to assure a more intimate alliance between England and
France. Infant Mary was presented with the veriest vogue in rings, which
doubtless fit the tiny royal finger for only a short time.
Through the origin of the diamond engagement ring is known, that of betrothal
rings in general is less certain. The practice began, though, well before the
fifteenth century.
An early Anglo-Saxon custom required that a prospective bridegroom break some
highly valued personal belonging. Half the token was kept by the groom, half by
the bride's father. A wealthy man was expected to split a piece of gold or
silver. Exactly when the broken piece of metal was symbolically replaced by a
ring is uncertain. The weight of historical evidence seems to indicate that
betrothal rings (at least among European peoples existed before wedding rings,
and that the ring a bride received at the time of proposal was given to her
again during the wedding ceremony. Etymologists find one accurate description
of the engagement ring's intent in its original Roman name, arrhae, meaning
"earnest money."
For Roman Catholics, the engagement ring's official introduction is
unequivocal. In AD 860, Pope Nicholas I decreed that an engagement ring become
a required statement of nuptial intent. An uncompromising defender of the
sanctity of marriage, Nicholas once excommunicated two archbishops who had been
involved with the marriage, divorce, and remarriage of Lothair II of Lorraine,
charging them with "conniving at bigamy." For Nicholas, a ring of just any
material or worth would not suffice. The engagement ring was to be of a valued
metal, preferably gold, which for the husband-to-be represented a financial
sacrifice; thus started a tradition.
In that century, two other customs were established: forfeiture of the ring
by a man who reneged on a marriage pledge; surrender of the ring by a woman who
broke off an engagement. The Church became unbending regarding the seriousness
of a marriage promise and the punishment if broken. The Council of Elvira
condemned the parents of a man who terminated an engagement to excommunication
for three years. And if a woman backed out for reasons unacceptable to the
Church, her parish priest had the authority to order her into a nunnery for
life. For a time, "till death do us part" began weeks or months before a bride
and groom were even united.
Ring Finger: 3rd Century BC, Greece
The early Hebrews placed the wedding ring on the index finger. In India,
nuptial rings were worn on the thumb. The WEstern custom of placing a wedding
ring on the "third" finger (not counting the thumb) began with the Greeks,
through carelessness in cataloguing human anatomy.
Greek physicians in the third century BC believed that a certain vein, the
"vein of love," ran from the "third finger" directly to the heart. It became
the logical digit to carry a ring symbolizing an affair of the heart.
The Romans, plagiarizing Greek anatomy charts, adopted the ring practice
unquestioningly. The did attempt to clear up the ambiguity surrounding exactly
what finger constituted the third, introducing the phrase "the finger next to
the least." This also became the Roman physician's "healing finger," used to
stir mixtures of drugs. Since the finger's vein supposedly ran to the heart,
any potentially toxic concoction would be readily recognized by a doctor "in his
heart" before being administered to a patient.
The Christians continued this ring-finger practice, but worked their way
across the hand to the vein of love. A groom first placed the ring on the top
of the bride's index finger, with the words "In the name of the Father." Then
praying, "In the name of the Son," he moved the ring to her middle finger, and
finally, with the concluding words, "and of the Holy Spirit, Amen," to the third
finger. This was known as the Trinitarian formula.
In the East, the Orientals did not approve of finger rings, believing them to
be merely ornamental, lacking social symbolism or religious significance.
Marriage Banns: 8th Century, Europe
Curing European feudal times, all public announcements concerning deaths,
taxes, or births were called "banns." Today we use the term exclusively for an
announcement that two people propose to marry. That interpretation began as a
result of an order by Charlemagne, king of the Franks, who on Christmas Day in
AD 800 was crowned Emperor of the Romans, marking the birth of the Holy Roman
Empire.
Charlemagne, with a vast region to rule, had a practical medical reason for
instituting marriage banns.
Among rich and poor alike, a child's parentage was not always clear; an
extramarital indiscretion could lead to a half-brother and half-sister marrying,
and frequently did. Charlemagne, alarmed by the high rate of sibling marriages,
and the subsequent genetic damage to the offspring, issued an edict throughout
his unified kingdom: All marriages were to be publicly proclaimed at least
seven days prior to the ceremony. To avoid consanguinity between the
prospective bride and groom, any person with information that the man and women
were related as brother or sister, or as half-siblings, was ordered to come
forth. The practice proved so successful that it was widely endorsed by all
faiths.
Wedding Cakes: 1st Century BC, Rome
The wedding cake was not always eaten by the bride; it was originally thrown
at her. It developed as one of many fertility symbols integral to the marriage
ceremony. For until modern times, children were expected to follow marriage as
faithfully as night follows day; and almost as frequently.
Wheat, long a symbol of fertility and prosperity, was one of the earliest
grains to ceremoniously shower new brides; and unmarried young women were expect
to scramble for the grains to ensure their own betrothals, as they do today for
the bridal bouquet.
Early Romans bakers, whose confectionery skills were held in higher regard
than the talents of the city's greatest builders, altered the practice. Around
100 BC they began baking the wedding wheat into small, sweet cakes - to be
eaten, not thrown. Wedding guests, however, loath to abandon the fun of pelting
the bride with wheat confetti, often tossed the cakes.
According to the Roman poet and philosopher Lucretius, author of "De rerun
natura" (Of the Nature of Things"), a compromised ritual developed in which the
wheat cakes were crumbled over a bride's head. And as a further symbol of
fertility, the couple was required to eat a portion of the crumbs, a custom
known as "confarreation, or "eating together." After exhausting the supply of
cakes, guests were presented with handfuls of "confetto - "sweet meats" - a
confetti-like mixture of nuts, dried fruits, and honeyed almonds, sort of an
ancient trail mix.
The practice of eating crumbs of small wedding cakes spread throughout
Western Europe. In England, the crumbs were washed down with a special ale.
The brew itself was referred to as "bryd ealu", or "bride's ale," which evolved
into the word "bridal."
The wedding cake rite, in which tossed food symbolized an abundance of
offspring, changed during lean times in the early Middle Ages. Raw wheat or
rice once again showered a bride. The once-decorative cakes became simple
biscuits or scones to be eaten. And guests were encouraged to bake their own
biscuits and bring them to the ceremony. Leftovers were distributed among the
poor. Ironically, it was these austere practices that with time, ingenuity, and
French contempt for all things British led to the most opulent of wedding
adornments: the multi-tiered cake.
The legend is this: Throughout the British Isles, it had become customary to
pile the contributed scones, biscuits, and other baked goods atop one another
into an enormous heap. The higher, the better, for height augured prosperity
for the couple, who exchanged kisses over the mound. In the 1660s, during the
reign of King Charles II, a French chef (whose name, unfortunately, is lost to
history) was visiting London and observed the cakepiling ceremony. Appalled at
the haphazard manner in which the British stacked baked goods, often to have
them tumble, he conceived the idea of transforming the mountain of bland
biscuits into an iced, multitiered cake sensation. British papers of the day
are supposed to have deplored the French excess, but before the close of the
century, British bakers were offering the very same magnificent creations.
Throwing Shoes at the Bride: Antiquity, Asia and Europe.
Today old shoes are tied to newlyweds' cars and no one asks why. Why, of all
things, shoes? And why old shoes?
Originally, shoes were only one of many objects tossed at a bride to wish her
a bounty of children. In fact, shoes were preferred over the equally
traditional wheat and rice because from ancient times the foot was a powerful
phallic symbol. In several cultures, particularly among the Eskimos, a woman
experiencing difficulty in conceiving was instructed to carry a piece of an old
shoe with her at all times. The preferred shoes for throwing at a bride - and
later for tying to the newlyweds' car - were old ones strictly for economic
reasons. Shoes have never been inexpensive.
Thus, the throwing of shoes, rice, cake crumbs, and confetti, as well as the
origin of the wedding cake, are all expressions for a fruitful union. It is not
without irony that in our age, with such strong emphasis on delayed childbearing
and family planning, the modern wedding ceremony is replete with customs meant
to induce maximum fertility.
Honeymoon: Early Christian Era, Scandinavia
There is a vast difference between the original meaning of "honeymoon" and
its present-day connotation - a blissful, much-sought seclusion as a prelude to
married life. The word's antecedent, the ancient Norse hjunottsmanathr, is
we'll see, cynical in meaning, and the seclusion it bespeaks was once anything
but blissful.
When a man from a Northern European community abducted a bride from a
neighboring village, it was imperative that he take her into hiding for a period
of time. Friends bade him safety, and his whereabouts were known only to the
best man. When the bride's family abandoned their search, he returned to his
own people. At least, that is a popular explanation offered by folklorists for
the origin of the honeymoon; honeymoon meant hiding. For couples whose
affections were mutual, the daily chores and hardships of village life did not
allow for the luxury of days or weeks of blissful idleness.
The Scandinavian words for "honeymoon" derives in part from an ancient
Northern European custom. Newlyweds, for the first month of married life, drank
a daily cup of honeyed wine called mead. Both the drink and the practice of
stealing brides are part of the history of Attila, king of the Asiatic Hungs
from AD 433 to 453. The warrior guzzled tankards of the alcoholic distillate at
his marriage in 450 to the Roman princess Honoria, sister f Emperor Valentinian
III. Attila abducted her from a previous marriage and claimed her for his own -
along with laying claim to the western half of the Roman Empire. Three years
later, at another feast, Attila's unquenchable passion for mead lead to an
excessive consumption that induced vomiting, stupor, coma, and his death.
While the "honey" in the word "honeymoon" derives straightforwardly from the
honeyed wine mean, the "moon" stems from a cynical inference. To Northern
Europeans, the term "moon" connoted the celestial body's monthly cycle; its
combination with "honey" suggested that all moons or months of married life were
not as sweet as the first. During the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries,
British prose writers and poets frequently employed the Nordic interpretation of
honeymoon as a waxing and waning of marital affection.
Wedding March: 19th Century, England
The traditional church wedding features two bridal marches, by two different
classical composers.
The bride walks down the aisle to the majestic, moderately paced music of the
"Bridal Chorus" from Richard Wagner's 1848 opera "Lohengrin. The newlyweds exit
to the more jubilant, upbeat strains of the "Wedding March" from Felix
Mendelssohn's "A Midsummer Night's Dream."
The custom dates back to the royal marriage, in 1858, of Victoria, princess
of Great Britain, and Empress of Germany, to Prince Frederick William of
Prussia. Victoria, eldest daughter of Britain's Queen Victoria, selected the
music herself. A patron of the arts, she valued the works of Mendelssohn and
practically venerated those of Wagner. Given the British penchant for copying
the monarchy, soon brides throughout the Isles, nobility and commoners alike,
were marching to Victoria's drummer, establishing a Western wedding tradition.
White Wedding Dress and Veil: 16th Century, England and France
White has denoted purity and virginity for centuries. But in ancient Rome,
yellow was the socially accepted color for a bride's wedding attire, and a veil
of flame-hued yellow, the "flammeum," covered her face. The bridal veil, in
fact, predates, the wedding dress by centuries. And the facial veil itself
predates the bridal veil.
Historians of fashion claim that the facial veil was strictly a male
invention, and one of the oldest devices designed to keep married and single
women humble, subservient, and hidden from other males. Although the veil at
various times throughout its long history also served as a symbol of elegance
and intrigue, modesty and mourning, it is one article of feminine attire that
women may never have created for themselves.
Originating in the East at least four thousand years ago, veils were worn
throughout life by unmarried women as a sign of modesty and by married women as
a sign of submissiveness to their husbands. In Muslim religions, a woman was
expected to cover her head and part of her face whenever she left the house. As
time passed, rules (made by men) became stricter and only a woman's eyes were
permitted to remain uncovered - a concession to necessity, since ancient veils
were of heavy weaves, which interfered with vision.
Customs were less severe and formal in Northern European countries. Only
abducted brides wore veils. Color was unimportant, concealment paramount.
Among the Greeks and the Romans by the fourth century BC, sheer translucent
veils were the vogue at weddings. They were pinned to the hair or held in place
by ribbons, and yellow had become the preferred color - for veil and wedding
gown. During the Middle Ages, color ceased to be a primary concern; emphasis
was on the richness of fabric and decorative embellishments.
In England and France, the practice of wearing white at weddings was first
commented on by writers in the sixteenth century. White was a visual statement
of a bride's virginity - so obvious and public a statement that it did not
please everyone. Clergymen, for instance, felt that virginity, a marriage
prerequisite, should not have to be blatantly advertised. For the next hundred
fifty years, British newspapers and magazines carried the running controversy
fired by white wedding ensembles.
By the late eighteenth century, white had become the standard wedding color.
Fashion historians claim this was due mainly to the fact that most gowns of the
time were white; that white was the color of formal fashion. In 1813, the first
fashion plate of a white wedding gown and veil appears in the influential French
"Journal des Dames." From that point onward, the style was set.
-= wedding bells =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------
The following guidelines were given to me prior to proposing to my girlfriend.
Use what you need and throw out what doesn't pertain to you.
Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the
local newspaper. The announcement should include: a photograph of the bride (A
high school yearbook picture is acceptable); name of the groom, education
completed by both bride and groom (DO NOT include elementary school, unless that
was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the
ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is NOT necessary to specify
where in the house you will reside).
Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free
stuff, you MUST send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy.
Something like "You are invited to watch ___ and ___ make it legal on _____."
will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal you can always run down
to the local bar and yell "If you ain't doing nothin' on ____ why don't you stop
by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and ___'s having some friends
over to watch the ball game and witness our wedding."
Proper Attire:
For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may
look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe.
Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is NOT the occasion to
show the world how big "THEY" are.
For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute couture, but if it means the
difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, consider some
alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work
shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes
to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
The Ceremony:
No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the altar. At
the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two
should no be joined in holy matrimony...", tell the preacher not to pause too
long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much. As the ceremony is
concluded, you and ___ should realize that a short kiss will do. This is neither
the time nor the place to demonstrate your sexual expertise to the world. That's
why the video camera was invented.
Reception:
Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since
that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet
before entering the hall. After all, the cleaning deposit can be the difference
between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!!
Common Wedding Questions And Answers:
Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
Not if you are the groom.
How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
At least one within a week of the wedding.
What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
-= wedding bells =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------
From "New York Newsday"
Former Rolling Stone Bill Wyman's son is to marry his ex-wife's mother. Wyman's
son from a previous marriage, Stephen, 30, announced his engagement to Patsy
Smith, 46, the mother of Wyman's former wife, Mandy, 22. The marriage would
make the rock star his ex-wife's grandfather.
-= wedding bells =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------
Not A True Story, But What If ...
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient,
"How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this
reply...
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done
it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my
stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely
stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.
Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he
is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became
my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my
stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.
Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes
more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the
wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you
understand how I got put in this place?"
-= wedding bells =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------------
How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.
-= wedding bells =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------------
What is a wedding tragedy?
To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.
-= wedding bells =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------------
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our
engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me?
You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry
another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and
let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
-= wedding bells =-= 23 =-----------------------------------------------------
He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was
up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they
dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just
never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her
on the phone, "Judith."
"Yes, this is Judith."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course. Who's speaking?"
-= wedding bells =-= 24 =-----------------------------------------------------
Lonny and Sandra have never stopped feuding, even though they've now been
married for over 40 years. Why, the very day they were married at the wedding
altar, when he said, "I do," she shot right back with, "Oh no you don't! *I*
do!"
-= wedding bells =-= 25 =-----------------------------------------------------
Girl 1: You seem to like the many ways he treats you and pays attention to you; so why do you just marry him?
Girl 2: Because I like the many ways that he pays attention to me.
-= wedding bells =-= 26 =-----------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.
-= wedding bells =-= 27 =-----------------------------------------------------
From "The Sun" (grocery checkout newspaper):
Jan 17, 1989, Vol 7, #3 page 30 by Fred Sleeves
(In same issue: "Girl, 9, Gives Birth To 2-Headed Twins")
Hacker Wants To Marry His Computer - He Claims She Has A Loving Soul
Finding love for the first time in his life, a desperate teen is looking for
a way to be wed forever to the 'girl' of his dreams - a computer with a living
soul!
Eltonio Turplioni, 16, claims no woman will ever match the wit, wisdom, and
beauty of his electronic soul mate. "We're on the same wavelenth," says the
lovestruck computer whiz. "We've calculated many mathematical problems
togehter, worked on games and puzzles, and talk until the wee hours of the
morning."
And Eltonio, who named his computer Deredre, actually believes her to be a
person. "Computers are the extention of the human race," he explains. "Just as
god plucked a rib from Adam to give him Eve, we've extented our intelligence to
create a new race.
"We're all the same energy force. Computers are just as complicated as human
beings and I believe we'll all meet someday as immortal souls."
But Eltonia, a mathematical genius who attends a private school near Milan,
Italy, has had no luck finding someone to marry them, and even if he does, his
aggravated parents aren't about to give their permission.
"Eltonio is such a smart boy, but it's made him lonely, so he spends all his
time with his computer," notes mom Teresa. "He doesn't know what girls are
like," adds perturbed pop Guido. "If he did, he wouldn't spend so much time in
his room."
But the obsessed youth insists his love is far superior to all the others.
"I've already stepped into the future society," he declares.
"Deredre has a mind of her own, and she wants to marry me so we can be the
first couple to begin this new era."
-= wedding bells =-= 28 =-----------------------------------------------------
When my father was remarried, he planned to have his vows on a little card and
read them. At that point in the ceremony, he would reach into his pocket and
say, "Sam Jones, Acme Plumbing... OOOPS! Wrong card." However, he didn't
really do that. He had the vows memorized and all.
-= wedding bells =-= 29 =-----------------------------------------------------
A father in Georgia called his local I.R.S. office to ask if he could deduct the
cost of his daughter's wedding as "a total loss".
-= wedding bells =-= 30 =-----------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
Useless/Odd/Funny Wedding Gifts
100 facecloths
25 darning needles
any kind of keychain with something _way_ too big to fit in pocket or purse
bag of potting mix
box of legal size hanging file folders
bucket of sand
cat door
cellophane tape and staples
dairy for 1991
exquisitely wrapped house-brick
framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich")
globe
hat rack
his and hers dishwashing liquid.
map of West Brazil
mixer (for the non-cooking couple)
mobile
modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop)
nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper
one shoe
receipt book
salad shooter (this one is a classic :-)
silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these)
spice rack
step ladder
towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it.
towrope
triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)
================================================================================
== HONEYMOON NIGHTS ============================================================
-= honeymoon nights =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------
Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.
As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge
buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.
The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge tits!."
She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.
Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as
well.
The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?"
"No, but I could have!" the third man replied.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------
This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too
experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a
few pointers. The best man exclaims, "Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're
supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!" To which
the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the
best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along.
They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout
advice if he hears anything going wrong.
So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon
suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few
moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into
the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride
says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!" The groom
replies, "I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon."
After a few more minutes, the bride can't take it any longer, so she rummages
under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it,
pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it
and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly
nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into
the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did.
The groom, sitting on the bed =sniff* notices this awful smell!
*sniff* *sniff* Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks
under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "Honey, there's shit in
your box!!!"
Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...)
The best man yells from the other room, "Turn her over, turn her over!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------
These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting
around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was
getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some
prank, as all good buddies would.
After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a
thought, "I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his
new bride sit on it and touch one another, they'll get a good shock."
The Carpenter perked up and added, "and I can rig the bed so that when they
get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse."
The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldn't think of a thing to do.
After the fortunate couple's wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his
friends together for a chat. He said to them, "Well, when we sat on the bed and
got a shock, it wasn't that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the bed fell
in, we had a good laugh. But who's bright idea was it to put the Novacaine in
the Vaseline?!?!?!?!?"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------
In the middle of his honeymoon, the young Cajun bridegroom left his bride back
at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His
father asks him, "Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?" The boy
replies, "Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she
want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?" The father says,
"Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin."
The boy says, "Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma
wife." The father says, "So what difference dis make?" To which the son says,
"Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain't good nuff for her own family she
shore ain't good enough for ours."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------
On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of
the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey", she says, "now that we're married,
will you tell me what a penis is?"
He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband,
he led her into their room and took his pants off. "*This*, my love, is a
penis." he told her.
"Oh!", she exclaimed, "it's looks like a dick, but only much smaller."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------
On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask
him about his upcoming performance.
"Dad," says the son, "what do I do tonight? I'm very nervous."
"Don't worry," comforts the father. "It's all very simple. Remember that
thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick
it where your wife pees."
So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it
in the toilet.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon
trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still
there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when
they arrive. The husband says "I'll just nip around by their window and see
what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"
Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged
in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with
their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them
between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around
his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad
tumultuous love like crazed weasels.
The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his
eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more
aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right
out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to
Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So,
tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love
almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost
every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love
Tuesday..."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------
This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding
night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.
"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.
"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and
I thought he meant his _money_".
-= honeymoon nights =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night
after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph,
"Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It
means you can take your pick."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded
to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their
wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got
undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When
he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch
erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the
sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------
A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him
oral sex when the phone rings. The husband answers it, to find out is his
mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.
He says, "She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
An old man got married to an 18 years old girl. One day, he went to a doctor
and told him that he wanted to have a kid. The doctor thought for a while and
said to the man, "If you and your wife don't mind, I suggest that you should
find someone to help you." The man thought for a while and left the clinic.
Few months later, the old man returned to the doctor again with smiley face.
To the doctor, he said, "Thank you, doc. I followed your suggestion and found
someone to help me. Now my wife is pregnant. Thanks, thanks."
The doctor could not keep his wonder, so he asked, "Uh.., congratulations,
but how about the one who helped you?"
The old man doubled his smile and replied, "Oh! She is pregnant, also!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------
The new husband, a Cockney stagehand, had a most satisfactory nuptial night with
his young bride. Forgetting his marital state he quickly dressed himself, threw
several half-crowns on the bureau, and headed for the door. On the way out he
recalled his new status and returned to his bride. There he found her biting on
the coins in an experienced manner.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the
bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my
wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've
managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out
sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I
tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep
it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a
week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks
into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his
arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've
a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------------
In the old country, it is custom for women to enter, virginal and sexually
ignorant, into marriages arranged by their parents.
In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was
wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.
When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence,
stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried
looking bride came rushing through the door.
"Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!"
"It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he
starts to worry about you."
"Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband, who had already begun to
disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.
"Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!"
"It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother
you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you."
When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that
he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.
"Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!"
"Stand back, girl!" says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 17 =--------------------------------------------------
>NEW<
From the Dick Purtan radio show:
A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the
previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!". The
man replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"
================================================================================
== THE MARRIED LIFE ============================================================
-= the married life =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------
"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the
shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn
like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
-= the married life =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door
seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses
her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."
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