Clean Joke Collection

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Jul 9, 1992, 10:00:38 AM7/9/92
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Little Johnny asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

The father, as they are wont to do, goes into a long lecture on the nature of
God and how mankind has associated human characteristics with the Almighty in
an attempt at better understanding, etc. He ends with the observation that God
is neither male nor female, black nor white, straight nor gay, to which Johnny
responds ... "Oh, is God Michael Jackson, then?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the orange get fired from the Tropicana factory?
Because he couldn't CONCENTRATE.

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A yuppie is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a
red light and is broad-sided by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all
the while whining "My Beemer. My poor Beemer". A cop arrives on the
scene and points out "Sir, your arm has been torn off". The yuppie looks
at where his left arm used to be and screams "MY ROLEX!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young businessman, a deacon in his church, was going to
New York on business and while there was to purchase a new
sign to be hung in front of the church. He copied the motto
and dimensions for the sign but when he got to New York
discovered he had left the paper behind. He wired his wife:
"Send motto and dimensions."
An hour later a message came back and the new lady clerk who
had just come back from lunch and who knew nothing of the
previous message read it and fainted. When she looked at the
message she had taken, it read: "Unto Us A Child Is Born, 6
feet long and 2 feet wide."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

An airline pilot told this story.....

He was flying some non-english speaking business men
on a private plane when one of them indicated that
he needed to pee. The pilot explained that the
bathroom was behind the curtain and where there
was a funnel to pee into. When done, one should pull
the handle to flush.

A few minutes later the same fellow was back up front
with his pants down around his knees, his tie blown
over his shoulder, and a white stripe going up the
front of his body. And in his hand was.... the fire
extinquisher.

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One Saturday afternoon, driving home from a hospital visit,
my friend Jim remembered that he hadn't purchased his weekly
lottery ticket. When he passed a corner market with a lottery
sign in the window, he stopped and went in.

Jim gave the clerk his numbers, and together they waited for
the computer to register them and print out his card. "Bet
I know what you'll do if you win tonight's drawing," the clerk
said. "You'll call your boss on Monday morning and tell him
to go to hell!"

"Oh, I don't think so," said Jim, handing the clerk his business
card, which read: The Reverend James Spencer.

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"One size fits all."
Just who is this "all" person anyway,
and why is he wearing my clothes?

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Q: Did you hear about the tuna that lost his job?
A: He got canned.

Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

Q: Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
A: Because he's lost all three of his bowls.

Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
A: A Christian Science Monitor.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the sea and whimpers?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: Why did the muffler go to bed?
A: Because it was exhausted.

Q: Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.

Q: What's the difference between the American and Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: The American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

Q: What does the N on the Nebraska Cornhuskers helmets stand for?
A: Knowledge

Q: Why do hummingbirds hum?
A: They don't know the words.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: Did you hear about the Mexican fireman?
A: He named his kids Jose and Hose B.

Q: What do you get when you roll a hand grenade across a kitchen floor?
A: Linoleum Blownapart.

Q: What are four hundred rabbits hoping backwards?
A: A receding hare line.

Q: Why don't they let government workers look out the
window in the morning?
A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.

Q: What do you get when you cross a highway with a bicycle?
A: Run over.

Q: Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
A: He couldn't control his pupils!

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk?
A: Winnie the Phew!

Q: On the cartoon Yogi Bear, why didn't they make 2 Yogi's?
A: Because they made a Boo Boo instead.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No eye deer.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" a voice queries.

"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

*** The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.

In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."

In a toy department: "Five Santa Clauses -- No waiting!"

On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated
when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking
flowers from any but their own graves."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't
read this, it's time to wash your car."

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched
by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this
sign."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

From the November issue of Road & Track...

From there's-gotta-be-a-better-way file: A man from Kokomo, Indiana drove
his car to Indianapolis to pick up a truck he purchased. The problem: two
vehicles, ONE driver. So, he drove his car up the road, parked and walked
back to the truck. Then, he drove the car a ways past the truck.... The
dealership is 63 miles from Kokomo.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was driving through the country, and there were some cows by the side
of the road. We're all mature adults, so we've all done this: I leaned
my head out of the car window, and yelled, "Moooooooooo." Like we
expect that cow to be thinking, "Hey, there's a cow driving that car!
How can he afford that?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A family I know had two cats and one infant. One of the cats
died, and the other was lonely. The cat wandered through the
house looking for company. He decided that the best bet would
be the creature closest to his own size, namely, Joshua.

One day, Joshua's mother heard the kid hollering like mad.
She went rushing into the room, to find that the cat had started
grooming Joshua! The poor kid's hair was all slicked down, and
the cat was starting on the kid's eyebrows. I imagine I'd be
startled to find myself being groomed by a cat, too.

Shortly after that, the family inherited another cat, so the
baby was safe from being licked to death.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

During the LA riots, the Marines were backing-up L.A.P.D. on a call that
someone had broke into a store. At the scene, the cop told the Marines to
"cover" him as he approached the store (to police, "cover" means to point
weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base
of fire!). The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired
178 rounds before they stopped shooting. The thief, probably a little scared
at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?

Father: Ok ask.

Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring
doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the
doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.

Father : !!!??????!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man unemployed and down on his luck decided to pick himself
up by the bootstraps and find some work. He started by going
from door to door trying to find some work such as odd jobs
around people's homes. After much seeking and no success, he ap-
proached a rather large, stately looking house. He rang the
doorbell and a distinguished looking gentleman opened the door
and asked what he wanted. The unemployed man explained his si-
tuation and asked if there were any odd jobs he could do.
The gentleman hesitated, and then said, "Well, you could paint
the porch. Ok, I'll hire you. You'll find the paint, the
brushes, and everything you need in the garage." The gentle-
man watched as the unemployed man walked off to the garage
and disappeared inside, and then went back inside himself. A few
hours later, the doorbell rang again and the gentleman opened
it to see the other man with a few paint splotches on his
clothes. The man said, "Well, I'm all done paintin' the
porch." However, the gentleman became puzzled since the porch
still looked the same as before. The other man then said,
"But just between you an' me, that ain't no porch, that's a mer-
say-dees."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a professor who was doing experiments with a frog. He was
teaching a frog to jump. The training went on for a while and finally
when you say "Jump!" the frog will jump high in the air. He thought
it was time to take some measurements and publish the results.

He started his measurements with a twine, a ruler and a knife. He
placed the frog on a wooden cutting plate and said "jump". It jumped
and he measured the height it jumped. He wrote in his observation
note book: "Height jumped (with 4 legs): 14 inches. Inference: None".
Then he cut one of the legs of the frog and said jump. It jumped to
a height of 10 inches. Inference: None. Then he cut the next leg, and
measured the height jumped. Because it had only 2 legs the height
jumped was only 5 inches. The he cut one more leg and the frog now
had only one leg. The height jumped was just 1 inch with one leg.
Again the inference was none. Then he cut the last leg of the frog
and said "jump!". It didn't move at all. He wrote his inference in
the note book: "When we removed all the four legs, it was not able
to hear!".

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw
recruits.
"Well," he said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run.
The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The
ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do women change their minds so often?
A: To keep them clean.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did one cow say to the other cow?

"Don't have a Bart, man!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

My nephew wants to be an abstract artist, so I got him a "paint-by-
irrational-number" kit.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A police officer in a small town sopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began,
"I can explain--"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let
you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say--"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner
and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell.
"I'm the groom."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out
a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it
in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years
he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into
the movies, once into the baseball park and once into the symphony. He got
a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day he mislaid
it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship
to a conservatory of music.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this the Fairy promised to grant
the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof!
She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
"Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked
that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. Afterall, he had been
her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the
most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and
asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutured?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A She gets the pop tart out of the toaster in one piece.

Q How do you make a blonde person's eyes sparkle?
A You shine a flashlight in either ear.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blind man walks into a shop with his guide dog. As he reaches the center of
the shop, he picks up the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around and
around over his head.

"Um... C-can i help you sir?" Asks the shopkeeper, shocked at the spectacle.

"No thanks," sais the blind man, "I'm just looking."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q : What does a Chinese cook say to his children the first thing
in the morning?
A : Rice and Shine.

Q : What does a Chinese lumberjack do?
A : Chop sticks.

Q : What is the name of the most favorite T.V. game show in China?
A : Wheel of Fortune Cookies.

Q : What does a Chinese cook do for exercise?
A : He goes for a Wok.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a bright spring morning, four high-school seniors decided to
skip all their morning classes. They arrived at school after
lunch and told the teacher a very long-winded story about the
flat tire the car had gotten and all the problems they'd
encountered in getting it fixed.

To their inmense relief, the teacher did not seem too concerned
with the story. She just smiled and said, "I'd like you to make
up a test you missed this morning. Take seats apart from each
other and get out your pens."

When the boys were ready, the teacher said, "Each of you answer
the following question: Which tire was flat?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear Kraft is moving their plant to the Holy Land?
They're changing the name to Cheeses of Nazareth.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have
24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?
What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the old guru who wouldn't allow the dentist to use any
anesthetic on him?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite
ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven
herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking
lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get
an ambulance?"

The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as
a doctor!". The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Texan farmer was bragging that he could get in his Cadillac
in the morning and drive all day without reaching the boundary
of his farm. A New Yorker, who could not help hearing the
remark replied: "That's interesting. We've got cars like that
in New York too."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
we all fell and hurt ourselves.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A passer-by is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down
on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". The passer-by asks the man,
"Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and
yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if
you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.

The passer-by thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of
him, and he says, "Ok". The man lifts the manhole cover, the passer-by
steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts
jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you get when you eat Uranium?
Atomic Ache

------------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy goes ice fishing. He sets up his tent and starts to cut a hole
in the ice. Then he hears this loud echoing voice say "There's no fish
under the ice." He looks around but doesn't see anybody, so he starts
cutting the hole again. He hears the voice again "There's no fish under
the ice." Now he starts getting scared. He looks around but doesn't
see anyone. He says "God, is that you?" The voice says "No, it's the
manager of the skating rink."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ben walked into a bar for a drink. He saw some guy order something
& then proceed to jump off the second story window. Right before he hits the
ground, the man stops in midair and jolts back through the window. He did
this several times till finally Ben asked him what made him able to perform
such an incredulous feat. The guy answered that it was a certain drink from
the bar and offered it to Ben.
"You mean, if I drink this, I'll be able to do the same thing?" Ben
asked.
"Yup," answered the other.
So Ben took the drink and proceeding to jump off the window.
Unfortunately, he didn't stop and fell to his death.
The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, sometimes you
can be a real jerk, Superman."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Tex-Mex restaurant in Texas is selling The Perot Taco. Nobody
knows what's in it, but they love it anyway.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it you never see the headline...
"PSYCHIC WINS LOTTERY"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man in a restaurant ordered a cup of coffee.
"With or without cream, sir?", asked the waiter.
"Without cream, please."
The waiter returned from the kitchen, empty handed.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we have no cream.
Will you take it without milk?"

+========================+=====================================+
| Phil Corless | Bitnet: APUCORLE@IDBSU |
| Boise State University | Internet: APUC...@IDBSU.IDBSU.EDU |
+========================+=====================================+
| "The idea of calm exists in a sitting cat." |
| - Jules Renard |
+==============================================================+

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