One-line aphorisms, part 2 of 4

[Alan Silverstein]

b "Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
b /Earth is 98% full... please delete anyone you can.
b 1 bull, 3 cows.
b 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
b A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
b A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
b A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
b A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
b A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg
b A list is only as strong as its weakest link. -- Don Knuth
b After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
b All computers run at the same speed... with the power off.
b An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
b And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
b Another megabytes the dust.
b Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
b Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. -- Ted Nelson
b Any program that runs right is obsolete.
b Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. -- Kulawiec
b APL is a write-only language. -- Roy Keir
b Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.
b As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert
b As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
b Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
b Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
b Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. -- Tom Lehrer
b Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein
b Brain fried -- core dumped.
b Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
b CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
b Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
b Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
b Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
b Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
b Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. -- Pablo Picasso
b Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
b Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
b Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.
b Disc space -- the final frontier!
b Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
b Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
b Don't let the computer bugs bite!
b Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
b E Pluribus UNIX.
b Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. -- Tom Christaensen
b Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.
b Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
b Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
b f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
b Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
b fortune: No such file or directory
b Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
b God is real, unless declared integer.
b God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
b Hackers have kernel knowledge.
b Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
b Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
b HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
b How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
b How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
b How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
b I am a computer -- dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
b I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
b I am the computer your mother warned you about.
b I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky
b I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
b I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
b I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
b I smell a wumpus.
b If a program is useful, it must be changed.
b If a program is useless, it must be documented.
b If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
b If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
b If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
b If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". -- Kernighan
b If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
b In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. -- Brian Reid
b In God we trust; all else we walk through.
b It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
b It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
b Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
b Last one out, turn off the computer!
b Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
b Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.
b LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
b logout
b Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
b Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
b Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
b Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. Barton
b Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.
b MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
b Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.
b Never trust a computer you can't lift. -- Stan Masor
b Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. -- S. Hunt
b Nice computers don't go down.
b No line available at 300 baud.
b No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
b No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
b Old mail has arrived.
b Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
b On a clear disk you can seek forever. -- Denning
b One if by LAN, two if by C. -- Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski
b One man's constant is another man's variable. -- Perlis
b One person's error is another person's data.
b One picture is worth 128K words.
b Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.
b People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. -- Jon Bentley
b Portable: Survives system reboot.
b Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
b Programmers do it bit by bit.
b Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
b Programming is an art form that fights back.
b Programming is an unnatural act.
b Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
b Protect your software at all costs -- all else is meat.
b Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
b Real programs don't eat cache.
b Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
b Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
b Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.
b Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
b SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson
b Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
b Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. -- Chuck Bradshaw
b Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
b Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
b Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. -- Ken Batcher
b Swap read error. You lose your mind.
b System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
b System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
b Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. -- R. S. Barton
b That does not compute.
b The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
b The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
b The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
b The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
b The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.
b The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.
b The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.
b The steady state of disks is full. -- Ken Thompson
b The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
b The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
b The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
b There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
b There must be more to life than compile-and-go.
b This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
b This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88.
b This screen intentionally left blank.
b This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
b Those who can't write, write help files.
b Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!
b Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
b To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
b To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
b To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
b To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. -- Robert Heller
b Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
b Variables won't; constants aren't. -- Osborn
b What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.
b What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
b Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".
b Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?
b You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
b You can't make a program without broken egos.
b You depend too much on computers for information.
b You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you will need that version.
b You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
b You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
b You have junk mail.
b You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
b You might have mail.
b You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
b Your fault -- core dumped.
b Your password is pitifully obvious.
b [Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. -- Peter Norton
c ...it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. -- Wilkes, 1949
c A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
c A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.
c A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. -- Laura Creighton
c A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant.
c A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
c A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- Johnson
c Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.
c Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. -- Brook
c All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
c All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
c All you need to know is the user interface. -- J. Redford
c An algorithm must be seen to be believed. -- D. E. Knuth
c Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
c Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
c Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
c Avoid unnecessary branches.
c Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program.
c BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. -- Seymour Papert
c Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
c Choose variable names that will not be confused.
c Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. -- Gilb
c Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.
c Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. -- Thomas
c Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. -- Kernigan
c Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
c Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
c Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.
c Don't document the program; program the document.
c Don't stop at one bug.
c Every bug you find is the last one.
c Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
c Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. -- Kulawiec
c I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov
c I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. -- Turing
c If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Schryer
c If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
c In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. -- Alan Perlis
c It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
c It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
c Know Thy User.
c Let the machine do the dirty work. -- Elements of Programming Style
c Machine independent code isn't.
c Make input easy to proofread.
c Make it right before you make it faster.
c Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
c Make sure comments and code agree.
c Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
c Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. -- D. Gries
c Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. -- Steinbach
c Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. -- Jackson
c Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.
c Never write software that patronizes the user.
c No extensible language will be universal. -- T. Cheatham
c Performance is easier to add than clarity.
c Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
c Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. -- Ted Nelson
c Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential.
c The best packed information most resembles random noise.
c The computer is the Proteus of machines. -- Seymour Papert
c The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis
c The less time planning, the more time programming.
c The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. (6/72)
c The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. -- Hamming
c The wise person writes bomb-proof code.
c There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.
c There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
c There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.
c There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated.
c To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
c Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.
c UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything to anybody.
c Use free-form input where possible.
c Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
c Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
c Watch out for off-by-one errors.
c When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes.
c When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.
c You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
f A gift of flower will soon be made to you.
f A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
f A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
f Courage is your greatest present need.
f Divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
f Do not overtax your powers.
f Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.
f Flee at once, all is discovered.
f Good news from afar will bring you a welcome visitor.
f His heart was yours from the first moment that you met.
f Hold tight to your dreams.
f Long life is in store for you.
f Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
f Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
f Someone is enthusiastic about your work.
f Someone is speaking well of you.
f Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
f The time is right to make new friends.
f There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
f Value useful qualities in one who loves you.
f You are going to have a new love affair.
f You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
f You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
f You have an ambitious nature and might make a name for yourself.
f You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
f You look on the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
f You love peace.
f You need not worry about your future.
f You talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
f You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
f You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
f You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
f You will be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
f You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
f You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
f You will be successful in love.
f You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
f You will get what you deserve.
f You will have a long-term stimulation relative to business.
f You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
f You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
f You will have long and healthy life.
f You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
f You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
f Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
f Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
f Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
f Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
f Your present plans will be successful.
f Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
h " " -- Harpo Marx
h "Breakfast sometime?" "Sure." "Shall I call you, or just nudge you?"
h "Daddy, the garbage man is here!" "Tell him we don't need any." -- Ed Abbey
h "Define UNIVERSE; give two examples." "The perceived world; 1) mine, 2) yours."
h "Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long."
h ...all the modern inconveniences... -- Mark Twain
h 28.35 grams of prevention are worth 0.45359 kilograms of cure.
h 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number pi, but an incredible simulation.
h A backscratcher will always find new itches. -- Gomme
h A billion here, a billion there; soon you're talking real money. -- Sen. Dirksen
h A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
h A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
h A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
h A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
h A cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. -- Mark Twain
h A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
h A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
h A committee is an animal with at least six legs, and no brain. -- Heinlein
h A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
h A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
h A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing." -- Ferguson
h A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
h A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
h A day without sunshine is like night.
h A dean is to a faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred Kahn
h A drink a day keeps the shrink away. -- Edward Abbey
h A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. -- Klipstein
h A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
h A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.
h A good scapegoat is hard to find.
h A harp is a nude piano.
h A helicopter is just a bunch of parts flying in close formation.
h A home where the buffalo roam... is messy.
h A homeowner's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a weekend for?
h A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Mom.
h A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually.
h A king's castle is his home.
h A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
h A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Wright
h A man who fishes for marlin in ponds will put his money in Etruscan bonds.
h A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
h A man without a woman is like a fish without gills.
h A motion to adjourn is always in order.
h A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. -- Wilcox
h A penny saved has not been spent.
h A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.
h A penny saved is ridiculous.
h A pessimist is a married optimist.
h A poet who reads his verse in public might have other nasty habits.
h A quarter ounce of chocolate equals four pounds of fat.
h A Renaissance man diffuses to refine himself. -- Steve Hug
h A rolling stone gathers momentum.
h A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
h A sentence is worth a thousand words.
h A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
h A sinking ship gathers no moss. -- Donald Kaul
h A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
h A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
h A soft drink turneth away company.
h A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
h A successful American spends more supporting the government than a family.
h A theorist right once in ten is a hero; an observer wrong that often is a bum.
h A theory is better than its explanation. -- Woodward
h A truly wise person never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
h A university without students is like an ointment without a fly. -- Ed Nather
h A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on. -- Samuel Goldwyn
h A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
h A waist is a terrible thing to mind. -- Ziggy
h A watched clock never boils. -- Tom Weller
h A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
h A woman need not reveal her age, only her passions.
h A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
h Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
h About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
h About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
h About when we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Hoover
h Absence makes the heart go wander.
h Absence makes the heart grow fonder... for someone else.
h Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) -- Stafford Beer
h Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
h Accept a breath mint if someone offers you one. -- H. Jackson Brown
h Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
h According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
h Accordionated: Able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
h Acting: An art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
h Activation Energy: The useful energy available in one cup of coffee.
h Actors will happen in the best-regulated families.
h Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
h Adult: A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
h Adult: One old enough to know better.
h Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
h Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it.
h Adventure is a sign of incompetence. -- Amundsen
h Aeroma: Odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout.
h After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. -- Olmstead
h After painting the town red, take a rest before applying a second coat.
h Afterism: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. - Thom
h Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
h Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
h Ah, to be a buzzard now that spring is here! -- Edward Abbey
h Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
h Air is water with holes in it.
h Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
h Alaska is our biggest, buggiest, boggiest state. -- Edward Abbey
h Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
h Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, aleph-null bottles of beer...
h Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
h Alimony is a splitting headache.
h Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
h All generalizations are useless, including this one.
h All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy. -- Lauris
h All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. -- Brilliant
h All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
h All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
h All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. -- Groucho Marx
h All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
h All signs in metric for the next 20 miles. -- road sign in Ohio
h All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
h All that glitters has a high refractive index.
h All the good ones are taken. -- Harris
h All the men on my staff can type. -- Bella Abzug
h All the points in between are, well, in between. -- Jim Morrison
h All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
h All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
h All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
h All we need here, God, is one little precision earthquake.
h Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
h Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
h Always remember that you are unique... just like everyone else.
h Always take both skis off before hanging them up.
h Am I in charge here?... No, but I'm full of ideas. -- Dr. Who
h Ambiguity: Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
h Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- McCarthy
h Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
h Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
h Among economists, the real world is often a special case. -- Horngren
h An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if it is aimed well.
h An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. -- Tom Weller
h An apple every eight hours keeps three doctors away.
h An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
h An example of hard water is ice.
h An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
h An informed citizen panics more intelligently.
h An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
h An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
h An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
h An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. -- Van Roy
h Antonym: The opposite of the word you are trying to think of.
h Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. -- Murray
h Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
h Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. -- Malek
h Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
h Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
h Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Holmes
h Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
h Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
h Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with none.
h Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Goldwyn
h Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
h Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. -- Pardo
h Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious. -- James Hogan
h Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
h Aquadextrous: Able to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
h Archeology is the only profession where your future lies in ruins.
h Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.
h Arithmetic is counting to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse
h Art is anything you can get away with. -- Marshall McLuhan
h Artery: Study of paintings.
h As God is my witness, Andy, I thought that turkeys could fly. -- WKRP
h As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
h Ask not for whom the bell tolls, and pay only station-to-station rates.
h At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. -- Peter Alaquon
h Atheists are beyond belief.
h Atheists are people with no invisible means of support.
h Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by five.
h Author: An imaginary person who writes real books. -- Edward Abbey
h Authority: A person who can tell you more than you really care to know.
h Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
h Babies can't walk because their legs aren't long enough to reach the ground.
h Babies learn decibels before they learn syllables.
h Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
h Bachelor: A man who never made the same mistake once.
h Bachelor: A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -- Quinn
h Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
h Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana. -- Rich Hall
h Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.
h Baseball is to football as Beethoven is to rap. -- Patrick Mott
h Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
h Be careful of reading health books; you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
h Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty.
h Be of good cheer: We'll live to piss on the graves of our enemies. -- Ed Abbey
h Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. -- James Kirk
h Begathon: A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money. -- Hall
h Behaviorism is the art of pulling habits out of rats. -- O'Neill
h Behold the warranty: The bold print giveth, and the fine print taketh away.
h Being a good communicator means people find out what's really wrong with you.
h Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
h Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.
h Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
h Best gift for the person who has everything: A burglar alarm.
h Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. -- Mae West
h Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
h Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
h Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same.
h Biological Science: A contradiction in terms.
h Biology grows on you.
h Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
h Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the Earth.
h Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
h Blessed are they that run around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
h Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
h Bore: He who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself.
h Bore: Wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. -- Winchell
h Brad, where Tad had had "had had", had had "had". "Had had" had had me glad.
h Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce
h Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
h Brigands ask for your money or your life; spouses require them both.
h Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
h Budget: A method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
h Bumper sticker on an old truck: Don't Laugh -- Your Daughter Might Be In Here.
h Bumper sticker: Don't Honk, I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can.
h Bumper sticker: Friends Don't Let Friends Vote Republican.
h Bumper sticker: Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car.
h Bumper sticker: I Brake for Hallucinations.
h Bumper sticker: I'd rather be teleporting.
h Bumper sticker: My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.
h Bumper sticker: Stamp out crime; Abolish the IRS.
h Bureaucracy: A method of transforming energy into solid waste.
h Bureaucrat: A person who cuts red tape sideways. -- J. McCabe
h Bureaucrat: A politician with tenure.
h Business will be either better or worse. -- Calvin Coolidge
h But enough about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think of me? -- Midler
h But officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
h By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
h Cabnicreep: When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
h California is proud to be the home of the freeway. -- Ronald Reagan
h Calling a person a runner-up is a polite way of saying they lost.
h Can you think of another word for "synonym"?
h Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
h Cauterize: Made eye contact with a woman.
h Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
h Charm: A way of getting a "yes" -- without having asked any clear question.
h Chastity is the most unnatural of the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley
h Cheap: Much less expensive than ones selling for up to twice as much.
h Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
h Children act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
h Choconiverous: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
h Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
h Circle: A line that meets its other end without ending.
h Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
h Cogito ergo spud (I think, therefore I yam).
h College: The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
h Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
h Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious. -- Peter Ustinov
h Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
h Common sense: The collection of prejudices acquired by age 18. -- Einstein
h Concept: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills more than $25,000.
h Confidence: The feeling you have before you understand the situation.
h Confound those who have said our remarks before us. -- Aelius Donatus
h Confucius say too much. -- recent Chinese proverb
h Congress is not the sole suppository of wisdom. -- Rep. Bill Schuette (R-MI)
h Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. -- H. L. Mencken
h Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. -- Mencken
h Conscience is the thing that hurts when everything else feels great.
h Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.
h Conservative: A Liberal who has just been mugged.
h Conservative: A person who believes nothing should be done for the first time.
h Conservative: One who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
h Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.
h Consultant: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
h Consultation: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
h Continental Life. Why do you ask?
h Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
h Could you be a poster child for retroactive birth control?
h Courage: Two cannibals having oral sex.
h Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Bierce
h Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
h Crime does not pay... as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman
h Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. -- Steve Wright
h Cynic: A person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. -- Shoaff
h Cynic: A person who tells you the truth about your own motives. -- Russel Green
h Dare to be average.
h Dark dirt is attracted to light objects, and dark dirt to light objects.
h Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesn't get worse every year.
h Death has been proven to be 99% fatal to laboratory rats.
h Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
h Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis
h Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.
h Death: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard
h Deliberation: Examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
h Democracy is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken
h Dentists are incapable of asking questions that need a simple yes or no answer.
h Design simplicity: Developed on a shoe-string budget.
h Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines on them and makes them perspire.
h Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
h Diplomacy: Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.
h Diplomacy: The art of letting someone else have your way.
h Diplomacy: The art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
h Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
h Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
h Distinctive: A different color or shape than our competitors.
h Divorce is having your genitals torn off through your wallet. -- Robin Williams
h Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
h Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them. -- Finagle
h Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
h Do YOU have redeeming social value?
h Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
h Don't be fooled by his twinkling eyes; it's the sun shining between his ears.
h Don't be humble... you're not that great. -- Golda Meir
h Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. -- Burke
h Don't eat the yellow snow.
h Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony
h Don't forget to never use negative commands.
h Don't get even -- get odd!
h Don't get stuck in a closet; wear yourself out.
h Don't give someone a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.
h Don't lend people money... it gives them amnesia.
h Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. -- Scottish Proverb
h Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
h Don't open bills on the weekend. -- H. Jackson Brown
h Don't say yes until I finish talking. -- Darryl Zanuck
h Don't steal. The government hates competition.
h Don't sweat the petty things -- just pet the sweaty things.
h Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive. -- Hubbard
h Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree. -- Russell Long
h Don't undertake vast projects with half-vast ideas.
h Don't use no double negatives, not never.
h Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.
h Don't worry; the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
h Don't you have anything more useful you could be doing?
h Down with the categorical imperative!
h Drive carefully. We are overstocked. -- sign in junkyard
h Driving in the snow is a spectator sport.
h Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
h Drugs are the scenic route to nowhere.
h Ducks? What ducks??
h Due to a mixup in Urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
h Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
h Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult.
h Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
h Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
h Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- Film at eleven.
h Earth is a great funhouse without the fun. -- Jeff Berner
h Easiest way to figure the cost of living: Take your income and add ten percent.
h Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you that day.
h Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow it might be illegal.
h Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.
h Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak...
h Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
h Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
h Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. -- last words of Groucho Marx
h Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -- last words of Oscar Wilde
h Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
h Elections come and go, but politics are always with us.
h Electricity comes from electrons; morality comes from morons.
h Eliminate government waste, no matter how much it costs!
h Eloquence is logic on fire.
h Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
h Engineers... they love to change things. -- Leonard McCoy MD
h Enjoy life; you could have been a barnacle.
h Eschew obfuscation.
h Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen
h Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
h Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
h Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
h Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. -- Lieberman
h Everyone else my age is an adult, whereas I am merely in disguise. -- Atwood
h Everyone is a genius. It is just that some people are too stupid to realize it.
h Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
h Everything in moderation, including moderation.
h Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
h Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. -- O'Brian
h Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. -- Simon
h Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
h Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
h Excellent day to have a rotten day.
h Exceptions always outnumber rules.
h Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. -- Miller
h Exclusive: We are the only ones who have the documentation.
h Executive ability: Deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.
h Exercise extends your life ten years, but you spend 15 of them doing it.
h Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. -- Horner
h Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier
h Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
h Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
h Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
h Expert: Avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
h f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
h Familiarity breeds attempt.
h Familiarity breeds children.
h Famous last words: Don't worry, I can handle it.
h Fanatic: Someone who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts.
h Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
h Fast, Cheap, Good: Choose any two.
h Federal Reserve: A reserve where federal employees hunt wild game.
h Fenderberg: Deposit that forms on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm.
h Fidelity is a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
h Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
h Fill what's empty; empty what's full; scratch where it itches. -- Longworth
h Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.
h Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. -- Robert Firth
h Flopcorn: The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
h Flying is the second greatest experience known to man. Landing is the first.
h Foodwinking: Giving exotic names to otherwise mundane food products.
h Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustment.
h Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
h Football, like religion, brings out the best in people. -- Larry Chapman
h For a good time, call 555-3100.
h For adult education, nothing beats children.
h For back-country preparedness, "what if" weighs about 20 pounds.
h For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction. -- Anthony Battista
h For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. -- Harrison
h For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. -- Main
h For every knee, there is a jerk.
h For some reason, this statement reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
h For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.
h Form follows function, and often obliterates it.
h Fortune favors the lucky. -- Tom Weller
h Fossil flowers come from the Petrified Florist.
h Four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...
h Four wheel drive: Lets you get more stuck, further from help.
h Free love is priced right. -- Edward Abbey
h Freedom is just chaos, with better lighting. -- Alan Foster
h Friends don't let friends beer goggle.
h Friends: People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
h Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.
h Furbling: Walking a maze of ropes even when you are the only person in line.
h Garmites: Clothing that fits well in the store but shrinks on the way home.
h Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
h Generally you don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance. -- Murray
h Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
h Genius is the infinite capacity for picking brains.
h Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
h Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
h Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please. -- Twain
h Girls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. -- Edward Abbey
h Give a man enough rope and he will lasso another woman.
h Give a skeptic an inch and he'll measure it.
h Give me a lever long enough, and a place to stand, and I'll break my lever.
h Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
h Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. -- St. Augustine
h Give your very best today. Heaven knows it is little enough.
h Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy.
h Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
h Go away. I'm all right. -- last words of H. G. Wells
h Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
h Go to Heaven for the climate but Hell for the company. -- Mark Twain
h God could create everything in six days because he had no installed base.
h God don't make mistakes. That's how He got to be God. -- Archie Bunker
h God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
h God is a polythiest.
h God is not dead. He is alive and autographing Bibles at Cody's!
h God is not dead. He is alive and working on a much less ambitious project.
h God is not dead. He just couldn't find a parking place.
h God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
h God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
h God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
h Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
h Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
h Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
h Good sopranos and tenors have resonance -- where others have brains.
h Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- last words of George Saunders
h Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. -- Wiker
h Graft: An illegal means of uniting trees to make money.
h Grasshoppotamus: A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
h Gravity: What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
h Great minds run in great circles.
h Group IQ: Lowest IQ of any member divided by the number of people in the group.
h Grub first, then ethics. -- Bertolt Brecht
h Gymnastics exercises our outsides while genetics exercises our insides.
h Had there been an actual emergency, you would no longer be here.
h Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
h Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
h Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
h Happiness is a ball in the fairway.
h Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden Nash
h Happiness is your mother-in-law's picture on the back of a milk carton.
h Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
h Have an adequate day.
h Have you flogged your crew today?
h Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
h Having children will turn you into your parents.
h He has the heart of a little child... it's in a jar on his desk.
h He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.
h He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
h He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
h He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
h He who dies with the most toys, wins.
h He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
h He who hesitates is a damned fool. -- Mae West
h He who hesitates is probably right.
h He who invents adages to peruse takes along rowboat when going on cruise.
h He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
h He who is still laughing hasn't yet heard the bad news. -- Bertolt Brecht
h He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
h He who shouts the loudest has the floor. -- Swipple
h He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks. -- Chinese proverb
h He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
h Health is just keeping well; hygiene is being clean about it.
h Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
h Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
h Heat expands: In the summer the days are longer.
h Heating with wood, you get warm twice: Once chopping it, and once stacking it.
h Heineken Uncertainty Principle: Never sure how many beers you had last night.
h Heisenberg might have been here.
h Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
h HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS
h History chronicles the small portion of the past that was suitable for print.
h History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
h Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
h Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. -- Ray Bandy
h Honk if you love peace and quiet.
h Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
h How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? -- Charles de Gaulle
h How come wrong numbers are never busy?
h How do they get all those little metal bits on a zipper to line up so well?
h How do you make an elephant float? Two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
h How long is a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
h How long should a man's legs be? Long enough to reach the ground. -- Lincoln
h How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? All you can afford.
h How many weeks are there in a light year?
h How much sin can you get away with and still go to heaven?
h How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
h How to regain your virginity: Reverse the process until it returns.
h How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
h Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
h Humor is the best antidote to reality.
h I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.
h I am a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
h I am a Hollywood writer, so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
h I am a Libra. Libras don't believe in astrology. -- Al Hibbs
h I am dying beyond my means. -- last words of Oscar Wilde, sipping champagne
h I am going to live forever, or die trying! -- Spider Robinson
h I am not a crook. -- Richard Nixon
h I am not a lovable man. -- Richard Nixon.
h I am not as dumb as you look.
h I am not cynical, just experienced.
h I am prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
h I am really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, OK?
h I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. -- Will Rogers
h I bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
h I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
h I can relate to that.
h I can't give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. -- the Wizard of Oz
h I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.
h I do desire we may be better strangers. -- Shakespeare
h I don't ask questions, I just have fun! -- Bugs Bunny
h I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem. -- Brilliant
h I doubt, therefore I might be.
h I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West
h I hate quotations. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
h I have already told you more than I know.
h I have been in more laps than a napkin. -- Mae West
h I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face is up. -- Dave Barry
h I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
h I have heard about people like me, but I never made the connection. -- McLean
h I have not seen as far as others because giants were standing on my shoulders.
h I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Albran
h I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Wilde
h I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. -- John D. Rockefeller
h I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest
h I know on which side my bread is buttered. -- John Heywood
h I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
h I love mankind... It's people I hate. -- Schulz
h I love my job; it's the work I can't stand.
h I may not be the world's greatest lover, but number seven's not bad. -- Allen
h I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. -- Brilliant
h I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? -- Benjamin Disraeli
h I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. -- Woolcott
h I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. -- Marx
h I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
h I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. -- G. B. Shaw
h I own and operate a ferocious ego. -- Bill Moyers
h I promise we would only loose ten to twenty million TOPS! -- Dr. Strangelove
h I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
h I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. -- Marilyn Chambers
h I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
h I shot an arrow into the air and it stuck. -- graffiti in Los Angeles
h I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steve Wright
h I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: Let the Wookee win. -- CP30
h I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
h I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. -- Nash
h I think we are all Bozos on this bus.
h I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
h I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae West
h I used to get high on life, but lately I have built up a resistance.
h I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure.
h I want to achieve immortality through not dying. -- Woody Allen
h I will always love the false image I had of you.
h I will meet you at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
h I will never lie to you.
h I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. -- Groucho Marx
h I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
h I would have made a good pope. -- Richard Nixon
h I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
h I would like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. -- Cerebus
h I would never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. -- Marx
h I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what he's working on now.
h I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
h I'll play it first and tell you what it is later. -- Miles Davis
h I'll race you to China. You can have a head start. Ready, set, GO!
h I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? -- Harold Urey
h I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Allen
h I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
h I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
h I'm pretty good with BS but I love listening to an expert. Keep talking.
h I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level. -- Carvey
h I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time. -- Marilyn Monroe
h Ice cream cures all ills. Temporarily. -- Seleznick
h Idiot box: Part of an envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp.
h If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
h If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. -- G. K. Chesterton
h If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty
h If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
h If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95. -- McGowan
h If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
h If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
h If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
h If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
h If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
h If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. -- Leonard Levinson
h If at first you don't succeed, your successor will. -- Lord Birdwood
h If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
h If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
h If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
h If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
h If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
h If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
h If God is perfect, why did he create discontinuous functions?
h If God is so great, how come everything he makes dies? -- George Carlin
h If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all his windows. - Yiddish proverb
h If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive. -- Samuel Goldwyn
h If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner
h If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. -- Sheridan
h If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
h If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
h If in doubt, mumble.
h If it ain't damp, it ain't camp.
h If it is Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
h If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
h If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
h If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
h If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.
h If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.
h If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
h If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant.
h If little else, the brain is an educational toy. -- Tom Robbins
h If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. -- Silverman
h If one hundred people do a foolish thing, one will become injured.
h If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
h If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
h If parents would only realize how they bore their children. -- G. B. Shaw
h If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
h If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
h If sound can't travel in a vacuum, why are vacuum cleaners so noisy?
h If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero. -- Ellis
h If the ship is not sinking, the rats must be the ones not leaving.
h If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
h If the shoe fits, it's ugly. -- Gold
h If there is light at the end of the tunnel... ORDER MORE TUNNEL.
h If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe
h If this aphorism did not exist, somebody would have invented it.
h If time heals all wounds, how come bellybuttons don't fill in?
h If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
h If we all work together we can totally disrupt the system. -- Brilliant
h If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure. -- Dan Quayle
h If we knew what the hell we were doing, then it wouldn't be research.
h If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? -- Ann Edwards-Duff
h If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. -- Zisla
h If you are horny, it's lust, but if your partner's horny, it's affection.
h If you are not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin Disraeli
h If you are seen fixing it, you will be blamed for breaking it.
h If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. -- J. Paul Getty
h If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
h If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
h If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
h If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
h If you can't find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
h If you can't say anything nice, you probably don't have many friends.
h If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman
h If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos. -- Stoppard
h If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it. -- Slous
h If you do not change direction you are likely to end up where you are headed.
h If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
h If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.
h If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. -- Clarence Day
h If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
h If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. -- Coolidge
h If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
h If you have half a mind to watch TV, that is enough.
h If you have kleptomania, you can always take something for it.
h If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
h If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? -- Hempstone
h If you liked Earth, you will love Heaven.
h If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham Summer
h If you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home. -- Erma Bombeck
h If you look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel. -- Fuch
h If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break. -- Schmidt
h If You Pass This Point You Will Most Certainly Die. -- sign on birth canal
h If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
h If you think before you speak, the other guy gets his joke in first.
h If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. -- Kasspe
h If you want to come back after death, be sure to get your hand stamped first.
h If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
h If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
h If you were to ask me this question, what would my answer be?
h If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -- Wright
h If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. -- Ronald Reagan
h If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
h Ignorance: When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
h Ignore previous fortune.
h Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
h Illiterate? Write for free help.
h Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. -- Jack Paar
h Imports are ports very far inland.
h In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
h In a ham and egg breakfast, the chicken was involved, but the pig was committed.
h In a modern household, the only things we have to wash by hand are children.
h In America, it is not how much an item costs, it is how much you save.
h In an orderly world, there is always a place for the disorderly.
h In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
h In English, every word can be verbed.
h In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. -- Abbey
h In Lake Wobegon, all the children are above average.
h In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
h In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. -- Butler
h In my case, saving the world was only a hobby. -- Edward Abbey
h In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
h In process: So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
h In Texas the men are men, but for some reason they have to keep proving it.
h In the first half of our life we learn habits that shorten the second half.
h In the world of words, one of my best-loved tribes is the diatribe. -- Abbey
h In this world, truth can wait; she is used to it.
h Incompetence is a double-edged banana. -- J. P. Barlow
h Ingrate: Bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
h Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids!
h Instant sex will never be better than the kind you have to peel and cook.
h Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
h Insufficient data for a meaningful answer at this time. -- Isaac Asimov
h Interchangeable parts won't.
h Irrationality is the square root of all evil. -- Douglas Hofstadter
h IRS: Income Reduction Service.
h Is it time for lunch yet?
h Is there life before death? -- Belfast Graffito
h Is this really happening?
h It ain't loafing unless they can prove it. -- Dick Brown
h It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
h It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
h It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew Mathis
h It is better for civilization to go down the drain than to come up it. -- Allen
h It is better to be an ancestor than a descendant.
h It is better to be on penicillin than never to have loved at all.
h It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa.
h It is better to burn out than to fade away.
h It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
h It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
h It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
h It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
h It is better to light one candle than to torch a wax museum with a flamethrower.
h It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. -- Tom Weller
h It is better to wear out than to rust out.
h It is dangerous to name your children before you know how many you will have.
h It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
h It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together. -- Washlesky
h It is easy to love a sleeping baby.
h It is great to live in the fast lane, if you can find the on-ramp.
h It is kind of fun to do the impossible. -- Walt Disney
h It is later than you think.
h It is more than magnificent -- it is mediocre. -- Sam Goldwyn
h It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
h It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
h It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
h It is not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. -- Boston mayor Kevin White
h It is not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
h It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. -- epitaph
h It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
h It seems to make an auto driver mad if she misses you.
h It takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. -- Mark Twain
h It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
h It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
h It was such a beautiful day I decided to stay in bed. -- W. Somerset Maugham
h It works better if you plug it in.
h It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
h It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca.
h It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Jackson
h It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. -- Wright
h It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all. -- Thurber
h It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
h It's hard to soar like an eagle when you are surrounded by turkeys.
h It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!
h It's not easy being green. -- Kermit
h It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
h It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game.
h It's the friends you can call up at 4 am that matter. -- Marlene Dietrich
h Jesus saves; Moses invests; but only Buddha pays dividends.
h Jesus to headwaiter at Last Supper: "Separate checks, please." -- Edward Abbey
h Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
h Journalism is literature in a hurry. -- Matthew Arnold
h Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you are at it.
h Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
h Just because you are not paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
h Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
h Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
h Justice: A decision in your favor.
h Keep a very firm grasp on reality, so you can strangle it at any time.
h Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
h Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
h Keep the pointy end forward and the dirty side down.
h Kilroy occupied these spatial coordinates.
h Klatu barada nikto.
h Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
h Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
h Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity
h Know thyself -- but don't tell anyone.
h Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry Camp
h Krogt: The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
h Lactomangulation: Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton.
h Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
h Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
h Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
h Learn the rules. Then break some. -- H. Jackson Brown
h Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
h Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
h Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
h Let's hope God grades on a curve.
h Liberal: A Conservative who has just been arrested.
h Liberal: Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
h Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
h Life -- love it or leave it.
h Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. -- Miss November, 1966
h Life is a game of bridge -- and you have just been finessed.
h Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
h Life is complex. It has real and imaginary parts.
h Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
h Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
h Life is like a fountain... I will tell you how when I figure it out.
h Life is like a maze in which you try to avoid the exit.
h Life is like a sewer... What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
h Life is like an analogy.
h Life is not for everyone.
h Life is too confusing for novices. We should let the experts take care of it.
h Life is uncertain, so eat dessert first.
h Life is wasted on the living.
h Life might have no meaning, or worse, it might have a meaning you don't like.
h Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. -- Sanka ad
h Little things come in small packages. -- Tom Weller
h Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse.
h Living on Earth includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
h Living your life is so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
h Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree, that smells AWFUL.
h Logic is a means of CONFIDENTLY being wrong.
h Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. -- Kettering
h Loneliness is a good thing to share with someone. -- Ernie Pantusso, Cheers
h Losing my virginity was a career move. -- Madonna
h Losing your driver's license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
h Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
h Love is a vacation from reality.
h Love is being stupid together.
h Love is Grand... Divorce is Twenty Grand.
h Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness.
h Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken
h Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
h Love means nothing to a tennis player.
h Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose thy neighborhood. -- Louise Beal
h Love thy neighbor: Tune thy piano.
h Love your enemies. It will make them crazy.
h Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
h Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
h LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
h LSD soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess reality.
h Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. -- Andy Warhol
h Maggit: A subscription card that falls from a magazine.
h Magnocartic: An automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping carts.
h Maintain thy airspeed, lest the ground rise up and smite thee.
h Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
h Make a firm decision now... you can always change it later.
h Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes.
h Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. -- Fred Allen
h Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. -- Lily Tomlin
h Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain
h Man was created to complete the horse. -- Edward Abbey
h Man who arrives at party two hours late finds he has been beaten to the punch.
h Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
h Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
h Mankind has never reconciled itself to the ten commandments.
h Mankind... infests the whole habitable Earth and Canada. -- Ambrose Bierce
h Many a family tree needs trimming.
h Many are called, but few are at their desks.
h Many are cold, but few are frozen.
h Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
h Marriage is a rest period between romances.
h Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
h Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.
h Marriage is an institution -- but who wants to live in one?
h Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
h Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
h Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire
h Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
h Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
h Math is like love; a simple idea, but it can get complicated. -- R. Drabek
h Mathematicians are willing to assume anything -- except responsibility.
h Mathematicians take it to the limit.
h Matrimony is the root of all evil.
h Matter cannot be created or destroyed; nor can it be returned without a receipt.
h Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
h Maturity is a high price to pay for growing up.
h May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
h May you have many friends and very few living enemies.
h Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
h Measure with a micrometer; mark with chalk; cut with an axe. -- Ray
h Meeting: A gathering where the minutes are kept and the hours lost. -- Gourd
h Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
h Michelangelo would have made better time with a roller.
h Microwaves frizz your heir.
h Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx
h Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx
h Millihelen: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
h Miracles are great, but they are so damned unpredictable.
h Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. -- Oscar Wilde
h Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
h Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. -- J. K. Galbraith
h Modesty is being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
h Mold has spores. People have pores. It is one way to tell us apart.
h Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
h Money can't buy happiness, but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
h Money can't buy happiness, but it lets you be miserable in comfort.
h Money DOES talk -- it says goodbye.
h Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
h Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
h Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
h Monotony: The practice of having only one spouse at a time.
h Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Alexander Dumas
h Most people get lost in thought because it is unfamiliar territory. -- Paul Fixx
h Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. -- Bennett
h Mother is the invention of necessity.
h Mother told me to be good, but she has been wrong before.
h Mountain climbers rope together to prevent the sensible ones from going home.
h Mountain range: A cooking stove used at high altitudes.
h Mowmuffins: Dried accumulation of grass on the underside of lawnmowers.
h Mummy: An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
h Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
h My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. -- Iphicrates
h My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
h My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
h My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
h My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. -- Wilde
h My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. - Morley
h Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
h Napjerk: Sudden convulsion of the body just as one is about to doze off.
h Narcolepulacy: The contagious action of yawning.
h Necessity is a mother.
h Neckties strangle clear thinking. -- Lin Yutang
h Neutrinos have bad breadth.
h Never be photographed with a cocktail glass in your hand. -- H. Jackson Brown
h Never buy anything electrical at a flea market. -- H. Jackson Brown
h Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
h Never eat anything bigger than your head. -- Kliban
h Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss Piggy
h Never give an inch!
h Never have any children, only grandchildren. -- Gore Vidal
h Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
h Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. -- Billy Rose
h Never laugh at live dragons. -- Bilbo Baggins
h Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. -- Sam Brown
h Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
h Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. -- Hartley
h Never verb your nouns.
h New: Different color from previous model.
h Nice guys don't finish nice.
h Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
h Nine out of ten people think they are above average. The rest are in therapy.
h No brains, no headache.
h No guts, no glory.
h No maintenance: Impossible to fix.
h No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
h No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. -- Howe
h No matter what goes wrong, there's always someone who knew it would.
h No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to fake it.
h No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
h No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.
h No prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only awarded for building arks.
h No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
h Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
h Nobody ever has a reservation on a plane that leaves from Gate 1.
h Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
h Nobody knows the trouble I have been.
h Nobody wants constructive criticism. We can barely handle constructive praise.
h Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
h Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. -- Heisenberg
h Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be.
h Not all men who drink are poets. Some of us drink because we are not poets.
h Nothing can be done in one trip. -- Snider
h Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it is time to get up.
h Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.
h Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. -- Tussman