Canonical List Of Music Humor 2/3

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Two More Ron's Don't Make A Wright

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Aug 3, 1994, 7:40:06 AM8/3/94
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================================================================================
== TROMBONE ====================================================================
-= trombone =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

-= trombone =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

-= trombone =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------

What's the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A trombone will bend before it breaks.

-= trombone =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------

There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be
surmised from this?
The frog's probably on its way to a gig.

-= trombone =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------

Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.

-= trombone =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------

Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that
the sheep story also works.

-= trombone =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------

Slightly practical joke to play on a trombonist:

Assuming she's using water on her slide, empty her water bottle down the
mouthpiece. The result is really impressive if she doesn't notice the added
weight when she picks it up off the stand. Don't do this if she's using a
synthetic lubricant in her water (the stuff is expensive, and she'll be
righteously angry).


================================================================================
== TRUMPET =====================================================================
-= trumpet =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------------

How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.

-= trumpet =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------

What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personality.

-= trumpet =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------------

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
5, one to change it and 4 to tell him how much better they could do it.


================================================================================
== TUBA ========================================================================
-= tuba =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------------

What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.

-= tuba =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------------

What's a tuba for?
1 1/2 X 3 1/2.


================================================================================
== VIOLA =======================================================================
-= viola =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

-= viola =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.

-= viola =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

-= viola =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a
smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to
him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed
your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The
conductor came to my house?"

-= viola =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------

How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.

-= viola =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------------

At a concert hall one night the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a
viola player having a fight. He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was
about. The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my
big solo when he broke my reed!" "Well?" says the stage manager to the viola
player. "What do you say to that?" In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He
undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!"

-= viola =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------------

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

-= viola =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What is the similarity between a viola joke and premature ejaculation?
You know it's coming and there is not a damn thing that you can do to stop it.

-= viola =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.

-= viola =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One.

-= viola =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What is a chord?
Three violists playing in unison.

-= viola =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------------

From "The Unafraid Dictionary":

What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A violator.

-= viola =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides.

-= viola =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What is the definition of a major seventh?
A violist playing octaves.

-= viola =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
Violists.

-= viola =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------------

Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.

-= viola =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------------

Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the
viola player's heads are so small.

-= viola =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------------

A violist retires. He cleans up his locker at the concert house before leaving
and carries all his stuff home. He stumbles through the door and calls for his
wife to come help him with all his luggage. The wife comes down and sees the
viola case. She steps back in fear and asks, "What's THAT??"

-= viola =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the violist stare at his locker door for two hours before the concert?
On the door there was a note saying "viola - left hand bow - right hand".

-= viola =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What do conductors do to a violist who lost his/her arms?
Move him/her back one stand.

-= viola =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------------------

The conductor of the local opera company was having arm problems and could
not make it for the first performance of the weekend. The pit musicians and
percussionists were looking at one another wondering what they were going to do.
The first violist got up and said, "I've done this show hundreds of times, so
I think I can conduct it tonight."
Nobody else volunteered, so he went to the podium, took up the baton, and the
performance went on without a hitch.
The next night, the conductor made it there and the first violist went back
to the section.
When he sat down, the second violist leaned over and said, "And where were
*you* last night?!"

-= viola =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------------------

Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
So the violists don't need to be retrained.

-= viola =-= 23 =-------------------------------------------------------------

When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a
30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
It doesn't matter.

-= viola =-= 24 =-------------------------------------------------------------

When do most quartet violists leave first position?
Never.
or
Whenever string-crossings produce unwanted timbre changes.
or
Only when the composer specifically indicates it (e.g., the finale of
Beethoven's op. 59, no. 3)
or
When all but one string have broken.

-= viola =-= 25 =-------------------------------------------------------------

Which positions does a violist use?
First, third, and emergency.

-= viola =-= 26 =-------------------------------------------------------------

How many violists does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, they can't reach that high.

-= viola =-= 27 =-------------------------------------------------------------

A violist applied for a position in a symphony orchestra. The judges asked
what he would play for his audition piece.
"The Mendelssohn Violin Concerto", he said.
A judge said, "We'd rather hear you play something on the viola. This is an
audition for a viola position you know."
"Oh, I play it on the viola."
"Transposed down a fifth I suppose?"
"No, I play it as written."
The judges conferred, and decided that this was something they HAD to hear.
If he could pull off the high notes, he must be pretty good.
"Okay, begin."
The violist put the instrument under his chin and began to play: (16th notes)
GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE AECEAEAE GEBEGEGE

-= viola =-= 28 =-------------------------------------------------------------

And here's a sort of odd quiz for prospective violists:

You too can be a viola player with the BBC Sympathy Orchestra

Look what we have found. While sifting through the BBC's dustbins the other day
we came across this. The pass mark is 10%, but be careful. Over 45%, and you
are overqualified. The marks for each question are shown on the right.

Entry Exam For The BBC Symapthy Orchestra - Viola Players

1. Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's 6th Symphony
b) Faure Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle [15]

2. Tchaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other
five. [5]

3. Explain 'Counterpoint' or write your name on the reverse of the paper. [10]

4. Which of the following would *you* tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani b) an organ c) a cello d) a viola [1]

5. Can you explain 'Sonata Form'? Answer yes or no. [5]

6. Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals - Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth - William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears - Enid Blyton [5]

7. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument? [5]

8. Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest
first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace. [4]

9. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
[5]

10. Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan [5]

11. Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham [5]

12. Arrange the following words into a well known Puccini opera. Boheme, La
[5]

13. Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz? [5]

14. From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela b) Sri Lanka c) Germany d) Japan [5]

15. For what town were Haydn's 'Paris' symphonies written? [5]

16. Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture 'Romeo and Juliet' - Tchaikovsky
b) 'Romeo and Juliet' - Berlioz
c) 'Romeo and Juliet' Ballet - Prokofiev
d) 'Ten Green Bottles' - anon. [5]

17. From which song do the following lines come?
'God save our gracious Queen, Long live our Noble Queen.' [5]

18. Spell the following musical terms.
allegro, rallentando, crotchet, pizzicato, intermezzo [5]

19. Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera? [5]

20. Arrange the following letters to form the name of a well known British
broadcasting corporation.
C, B, B. [5]


================================================================================
== VIOLIN ======================================================================
-= violin =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

-= violin =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
or
Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

-= violin =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.

-= violin =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------

Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
It is usually still in the case.

-= violin =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------

Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.

-= violin =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

-= violin =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

-= violin =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both screw up bowings.

-= violin =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------

This guy says to his wife, "Oh, baby. I can play you just like a violin."
His wife says, "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

-= violin =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------

The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 cellist who hates all violinists.

-= violin =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan
while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page,"
he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the
following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."

-= violin =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin
lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

-= violin =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------

Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

-= violin =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're not. Violinists heads are larger.

-= violin =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------

Into the fifth hour of a performance of "Der Meistersinger", one violinist was
overheard whispering to his neighbour, "So what other comic opera did Wagner
write?!!"

-= violin =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other
and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad
news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact,
we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

-= violin =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------

A violin player has given a good recital and, afterwards, a lady comes up to
him and says, "Maestro, that was beautiful, and how good. All those fast
notes!"
To which the violinist replies, "Ah, but dear lady, those were only sixteenth
notes, sometimes I play thirty-seconds!"
The lady is completely awestruck, "Oh, could you play one for me?"

-= violin =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------

There once was a violinist from Rio
who was seduced by a lady named Cleo.
When she pulled down her panties,
she said, "Please no andantes,
I want this allegro con brio."


================================================================================
== VOCALS ======================================================================
-= vocals =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

-= vocals =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

-= vocals =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a
good idea.

-= vocals =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------

How many tenors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for HIM."

-= vocals =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------

How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

-= vocals =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
or
None. Get the drummer to do it.

-= vocals =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."

-= vocals =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------

When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the
jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of
the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed,
"Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"
The other replied, "*I* don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat
his high E was at the end?"

-= vocals =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

-= vocals =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------

Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realise that he can never
sing again.
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realise it.

-= vocals =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------

There was a young fellow named Locke
Who was born with a two-headed cock.
When he'd fondle the thing,
It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.

-= vocals =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower
end of the scale.
She was known as the deep C diva.

-= vocals =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------

What is your Opera Index? [/10.0]

0.0 = You can't even sing along with the air-raid siren.
0.5 = You think "pitch" is something you do to a baseball.
1.0 = You can tell the difference between rest notes and Kanji.
1.5 = You know that Albinoni isn't a sea mollusk.
2.0 = You can't wait for Romeo and Juliet to take their story to its tragic and
well deserved conclusion.
2.5 = You actually bought a copy of K-tell's "Greatest Opera Hits"
3.0 = Your parents love opera, you'll watch it only if it's on TV.
3.5 = You've got tapes of complete operas hidden in your car.
4.0 = You include quotes from operas in your Usenet postings.
4.5 = You think Mario Lanza got a raw deal.
5.0 = You have season tickets to the MET's Mostly Mozart Festival
5.5 = You have a plaster bust of Verdi on your toy piano.
6.0 = You've memorized the fake french dialogue in Die Fledermaus.
6.5 = You cry every time Mimi hides her cough from Ruldolfo.
7.0 = You'd watch Andrea Chenier again. :P
7.5 = You actually like the Wagnarian style.
8.0 = You actually believe in Turandot's beauty through her aria, despite visual
evidence to the contrary.
8.5 = You've got Wagner's Ring Cycle memorized...both versions.
9.0 = You've developed a better filing system than Kirshel's.
9.5 = Kiri Te Kanawa thinks you're cute.
9.6 = You think Dane Joan Sutherland is a sexy mama.
9.7 = Pavarotti, Carrera and Domingo compete for your autograph.
10.0 = Caruso does cameos at your seance's.

-= vocals =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------

From an edition of the Brisbane Sunday Mail (with apologies to the original
source not duly acknowledged) -

World's Great Unsung Operas

Roll-Your-Own Fags Girl In Stadium Stabbing (Carmen)
Surprise Winner Of The Eurovision Song Contest (Die Meistersinger)
Oriental Child Bride In Tug-Of-Love Suicide (Madame Butterfly)
Trainee Shortage Threatens East Coast Fishing Industry (Peter Grimes)
Former Callgirl Dies In Love Nest (La Traviata)
Police Slayer In Prison Roof Death Plunge (Tosca)
Cadet Officer In Country House Bedroom Sex Change Frolic (Marriage of Figaro)
Good Neighbour Policy Fails To Save Paris TB Victim (La Boheme)
Three Die In Mixed Marriage Handkerchief Muddle (Otello)
Incest Offspring To Marry Aunt (Siegfried)

-= vocals =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------

A bass-baritone is rowing on a lake, cherfully singing to himself, "Toreador,
en garde!"
God is looking down from heaven and, feeling a little bored, says to himself,
"Gee, I wonder what would happen if I took half of his brain away!"
Well, He does this, but the fellow just keeps right on rowing and singing,
"Toreador, en garde!"
God sees this and remarks, "Fascinating, I wonder what would happen if I took
away half of the brain he has left..."
He does this, but the bass-baritone is still rowing and singing along,
"Toreador, en garde!"
God finally says to himself, "That's it, I just have to see what happens if I
take his *entire* brain away..."
God does this, and the fellow keeps rowing, but now he's singing, "La donna e
mobile!"

-= vocals =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------

A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking,
"Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?"
The soprano answers, "Three."
"Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the
soprano three times with a needle.
"Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano.
Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've
sung down on Earth."
"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she
suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is
THAT?" asks the soprano, horrified.
"Oh", says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to
start his third week in the sewing machine."

-= vocals =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
When the other tenors notice.

-= vocals =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------

What is the definition of an octave?
An octave can be described as having eight diatonic steps, twelve chromatic
steps, or twenty-seven when sung by a tenor.

-= vocals =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------

Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors
could tell?

-= vocals =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------------

What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
The baritone.

-= vocals =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------------

Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing
lessons?
I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.

-= vocals =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------------

Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

-= vocals =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------------

So this trumpet player dies. And when he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy
in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay?
There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now
we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I
never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This
is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."


================================================================================
== ORCHESTRAS ==================================================================
-= orchestras =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------

What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

-= orchestras =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------

How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldn't expect *you* to
understand.

-= orchestras =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------

What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.

-= orchestras =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------

Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had little use.

-= orchestras =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------

A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told
that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more. Same message from
receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear
you say it."

-= orchestras =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------

Semiconductors are part-time musicians.
Rubber bands are musicians who believe in safe sex.

-= orchestras =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------

Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.
However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a
neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind from
these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had
to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators was so bad
that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got
royally drunk. Two of the bassists get so drunk, they pass out. One of the
violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. Thus, it was
the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men
out and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.

-= orchestras =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------

It's Saturday night and the local orchestra is giving a concert, but it's five
minutes to curtain and the conductor still hasn't shown. When the assistant
manager tells the manager about this, the manager goes berserk. He asks all of
the employees if they can conduct, but none of them can. He then goes to the
lobby and asks the patrons but doesn't find anyone. He finally goes out on the
street and collars passerbys but still can't find anyone who can conduct. In
desperation, the assistant manager points to a cat, dog, and horse that are
standing in the street. The manager shrugs his shoulders and says "Why not,
what do we have to lose?" He goes to the cat and asks if it can conduct and it
mews out "I don't know but I'll try." The cat tries to stand on its hind legs
and wave its paws but it can't keep its balance and falls over immediately. The
manager goes to the dog and asks the same thing. The dog barks "I think I can,"
but although the dog can keep its balance for a while, it can't stand on its
hind legs long enough to last through an entire movement. Finally, the manager
asks the horse if it can conduct. The horse just stares at the manager for a
second, then turns around and presents its rear quarters and starts swishing its
tail in perfect 4/4 time. The manager exclaims "That's perfect! The concert can
go on as scheduled." "But, sir," protests the assistant, "will the orchestra
accept a horse as a conductor?" Just then the horse drops a big pile of plop on
the street. The manager looks at the plop and then at the horse's rear and says
"Trust me, from this angle, the orchestra won't even know that they have a new
conductor."

-= orchestras =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------

Max dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at his
resume and says, "Well, I think you belong in the Heavenly Orchestra." and
takes him to visit a rehearsal. Mozart is playing violin, Beethoven is playing
piano, Paganini is in the back of the 2nd violins, etc.
However, the conductor is appalling. Afterwards, Max says, "Well, that was
great, but who was that grey-haired old geezer conducting?"
St. Peter replies, "Oh, that was God, he thinks he's Herbert von Karajan."

-= orchestras =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------------

The late Herbert von Karajan and his wife enter a hotel room.
She: My god, it is cold in here.
HvK: But, liebchen, when we are in private, you can call me Herbert.

-= orchestras =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------------

What do you do with a percussionist that loses one of his/her drumsticks?
Stick them up in front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

-= orchestras =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------------

While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw
was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes", he replied.


================================================================================
== MUSIC =======================================================================
-= music =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A new age song.

-= music =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------

What happens if you sing country music backwards?
You get your job and your wife back.

-= music =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------

A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical
season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"

-= music =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------

Philistine Liberation Organization Seminars:
"The Sound of Music: Best Musical Ever Made?"
"Andy Williams and Neil Diamond, their Similarities and Differences"
"Perceptions of Existence in the Music of Manilow"
"Is Vivaldi the New Muzak? Is snobbery creeping into the PLO?"

-= music =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------

How To Buy A Stereo

1) Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc.
Multiply by a factor of 100.
2) The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably
blinking and flashing in time with the music.
3) The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very
COOL.
4) The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g.
pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)
5) The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look
very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components
pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers,
super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)
6) The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more
knobs and dials you can turn, the better.
7) The system should have full remote control capability, including over the
mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get
home.
8) Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the
house.
9) Components should have a cool names; this means no deparment store brands.
10) The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio
station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting
feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000
screaming fans.
11) Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or
two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete
and should be disposed of promptly.
12) The most important factor...
Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.

-= music =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------------

How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

-= music =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------------

The Best Of The Worst Country-Western Song Titles

Do You Love As Good As You Look
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
Heaven's Just A Sin Away
Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33?
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All
My Life?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You)
I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I
Figure We Got An Even Deal
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of Yew
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)
I Meant Every Word That He Said
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him
I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home
I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I'm Not Married But The Wife Is
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat
I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time
I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long
If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure
If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long
Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My
Heart
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I
Can See Through You
Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way
Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
Please Bypass This Heart
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without.
Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love
Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"
There Ain't No Waste In My Baby's Love Canal
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)
When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You're A Cross I Can't Bear
You're Ruining My Bad Reputation
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

(for a limited time, $9.95 on cassette, $15.95 on CD, call now!)

-= music =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------------

The Top Songs On The Benedictine Monks' Best-Selling CD

20. Hey, Hey, We're The Monks
19. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction
18. I'm Too Sexy For This Robe...
17. Cyronus Achus Breakus
16. Ain't Misbehavin'
15. What's A Vow Of Chastity Got To Do With It?
14. Red, Red Wine
13. Celebate! Celebate! Dance To The Music!
12. Shock The Monk
11. Give Peace A Chant
10. Hand Jive
9. 50 Ways To Leave Your Monestary
8. Born To Be Mild
7. Oh, Sherry
6. Don't Stand So Close To Me
5. Beat It
4. Can't Touch That!
3. I Write The Psalms
2. Smells Like (Holy Spirit)
1. Light My Friar

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