Canonical List of Light Bulb Jokes

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Daniel B Case

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May 5, 1993, 7:26:00 PM5/5/93
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I meant to post this May 1, but I couldn't because I didn't have enough free
memory to compose the NEWS$OUT file. Now I do (I also had to add some late-
breaking jokes to it).

As always, I am seeking additions, especially along lines suggested by the jokes
already on the list. If you have any, by all means send them along. Please do,
however, read the list thoroughly before you do so. I want *real* new jokes, not
simply variations of ones I already have.

Q. How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five-one to hold the bulb in the socket and stand on a table
and the other four to rotate the table.
(This is the grandparent of all light bulb jokes, so it heads the list
You can use it against any group you want to stereotype as dumb).

Q. How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the
new bulb.

Q. How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 21, one to hold the bulb and 20 to drink until the
room spins.

Q. How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. 1. She stands on the ladder and waits for the world to revolve
around her.
A. What's a light bulb?

Q. How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 53. You got a problem with that, buddy?
A. 65
-Why 65 ?
I don't know, it's in the contract.

Q. How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two..............IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT?????!!!!???
A. One. AND THERE'S NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT IT!
A. 11. 1 to change the lightbulb and 10 to form a support group!
A. 7.
1 to change the lightbulb.
3 to protest the offense committed by the lightbulb in regards to
the socket.
2 to secretly wish they were the socket.
1 to secretly wish she was the lightbulb.
A. 100-one to do it and the other 99 to say that the bulb screwer does
not represent mainstream feminism in doing so.

Q. How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five-one to do it and the other four to sit around and discuss how
it's so much more gratifying than a man.
A. Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.

Q. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, but they're really one.

Q. How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, one to call the cleaning lady and two to feel guilty about it.

Q. How many Lubavitcher Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Dark? Who says it's dark? Wait a few minutes and it'll get real
bright!

Q. How many Bratslaver Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. They will never find another bulb that burns as brightly as
the old one.

Q. How many Satmar Chassidim does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Umm, sorry, a man has to do that, it's beyond the capability of a
woman.

Q. How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

Q. How many people does it take to change a light bulb for one Jewish
mother?
A. None. "Don't worry about your mother. You go have a good time. I'll
just sit here in the dark, again. Alone."

Q. How many Jewish Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. What? And wreck my nails?
A. Two-one to get the diet Cokes out of the fridge and the other to call
Daddy.

Q. How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A. One, but don't expect results.

Q. How many Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old
bulb last rites.

Q. How many priests does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, priests can't screw.

Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.
A. Zen masters carry their own inner light.

Q. How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine,
chant, and sing.

Q. How many Mormons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Six, one to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.

Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!

Q. How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they provide their own illumination.
A. Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand
on.

Q. How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None-there weren't any light bulbs in the 13th century.

Q. How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Fifty. Everybody takes turns trying to screw it in while the leader
tells them all what rotten bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed
to go to the bathroom during the entire procedure.

Q. How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Atheists can't see the light anyway.

Q. How many Boulderites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Boulderites don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

Q. How many Ann Arborites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they just start a "Coping With Darkness" support group.

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3.
-Why 3?
IT JUST DOES, OK!!!!!!!!!

Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Just one. But it takes a long time, and the bulb has to really
want to change.

Q. How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. How long have you been having this phantasy?
A. How many do *you* think it takes?

Q. How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many <ethnic> gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.

Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.

Q: How many software designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That's a hardware problem.
A: Two-one always leaves the company in the middle of a big project.

Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem,
dude.
A: None, they just have marketing sell the burnt-out bulb as a feature.

Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can
decide which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar
one in another magazine the next month, a third to have a big one
come out on glossy paper two months later that is by then completely
out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her column that a completely new
and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to report a rumor that
that new bulb is shipping with a virus.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
A: None-just assume it's changed.

Q: How many carpenters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fuck you! That's the electrician's job.

Q: How many disgruntled former postal workers does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: Two-one to shoot the old bulb out of the socket and the other to hide
under a desk with the new bulb.

Q: How many art museum visitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to say "My four-year old could do that".

Q: How many homeowners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the
hardware store.

Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

Q: How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to curse the darkness and one to light a candle.

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Tell me how it goes, big daddy, and I'll try to fake it.

Q: How many rock guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 100-one to do it and 99 to say "Aww, I could've done that".

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are
trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.
A: Lightbulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you
want.

Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he has to do it three times.

Q: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way
Bill Monroe would have done it.

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 40-one to do it and 39 to complain that it's electric.

Q: How many Deadheads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-one to do it, four to tape it, and four to sell homemade tie-dye
clothing, pottery, and drugs out in the parking lot.

Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin'
in the wind.

Q: How many folklorists does it take to cahnge a light bulb?
A: Ten-one to do it and nine to document it.

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.

Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.

Q: How many generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they can all see by the light at the end of the tunnel.

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.

Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on
payment of license fee (binary only).
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one
of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the
switch.

Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: One, and he gets three credits for it.

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Like...hey, WOOOOW, man, it's *dark*!

Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.

Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done
while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
A: 2. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.

Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to
go back on.

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from
jerking.

Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the
previous bulb.
A: Four; one to do it and three to complain that the old bulb was a lot
better.

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in
the dark.

Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two-one to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
A: None, they only screw the poor

Q: How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.

Q: How many Victorians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: <Ahem> We do not discuss this with ladies and children present.

Q: How many dysfuntional family members does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Lightbulb? What light bulb?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

Q: How many BATF agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Four hundred to attempt to seize the old bulb and then surround the
house when it rebuffs them.
A: It doesn't matter, they just burn down the house.

Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.

Q: How many firefighters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it and two to cut a hole through the roof.

Q: How many lumberjacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.

Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he
turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of
the report despite the manipulation.

Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
A: Potato.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to twist balloons into unusual shapes and the other to fill
a bathtub with brightly colored bicycles.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw
itself in.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A: It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A: None, lawyers only screw us.
A: Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to
really screw a bulb...
A: 65-42 to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power,
or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out
in the first place, 14 to sue the electrician who wired the house,
and 9 to sue the bulb manufacturers.

Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent
one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion,
and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many running dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
A: One to oppress the proletariat and another to seize the means of
production.

Q: How many Hegelians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, of course. One stands at one end of the room and argues that it
isn't dark; the other stands across from him and says that true
light is impossible. This dialectic creates a synthesis when the
bulb gets screwed in.

Q: How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, to leave the darkness of the cave and see the sun.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to
give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Why does it *have* to be changed?

Q: How many standup comedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know what bugs me about light bulbs? The other night I was flying
cross country and the stewardess started telling me about her cat.
Man, I hate people who don't use their turn signals. Hey, how about
an impression. Here's Jack Nicholson doing Tony Curtis in drag
imitating Marlon Brando screwing in a light bulb. FEEEEEELINGS....

Q: How many New Historicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-historical forces will do it. The bulb-screwer is a relatively
modern invention.

Q: How many deconstructionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. Even if the bulb is screwed in, it will always be
flickering, however faintly, so it really hasn't worked. It is
incapable of delivering uninterrupted light.

Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A: Only one. Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with
your finger while I go get a new bulb?"

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None o' yo' fuckin' business!
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
A: Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to
replace it after the ensuing publicity.

Q: How many polite, considerate native New Yorkers does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
(Very flexible-use against any group you want to imply is nearly
nonexistent).

Q: How many Harvard undergraduates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, to hold it in the socket and wait for the world to revolve
around him.
(Another classical open joke-it's been used for any group perceived as
egotistical)

Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.

Q: How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fuck it, we're all gonna die anyway.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One.
A: Two-one to fix martinis and one to call the electricians.

Q: How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink Cadillac in
tight circles.
A: Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to burn it
down if they don't hire some African Americans to do it.

Q: How many Ku Klux Klansmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred-one to do it and the others to stand around solemnly and
watch the old bulb burn.

Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.

Q. How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that it was
burnt out in the first place.

Q. How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly
eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it in.

Q. How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new one in.

Q. How many system administrators does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, they just deny everyone access to the room.

Q. How many homosexuals does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek "Fabulous!"

Q. How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd
really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.

Q. How many assholes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None-assholes never see the light.

Q. How many sorority pledges does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Sixty. One to change the bulb, 59 to clap and sing.

Q. How many fraternity/sorority members does it take to change a
lightbulb?
A. Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts.

Q. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One, but 200 had to apply for the job.

Q. How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. As many as will fit in the El Camino.

Q. How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve
the problem,
one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into
French,
one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians
have been overlooked,
one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women
to say that women have been underrepresented in the process,
one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall
and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back,
one to actually screw it in,
one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can
afford it,
one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink,
and one to drop the puck.
(12 altogether)

Q. How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We
have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.

Q. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
A. Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw
it in.

Q. How many hamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but they have to be very small.

Q. How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but you have to get them in there.

Q. How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two-one to do it and one to cross the road.

Q. How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. As many as is necessary to make a pile high enough to reach the bulb.

Q. How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.

Q. How many Denver Broncos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, unless it was a blow out, then all of them show up.
(also Buffalo Bills)

Q. How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.

Q: How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.

Q: How many graduate student does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.

Q: How many research professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Well if I get the grant...

Q: How many teaching professors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
A: It doesn't matter. They won't actually do anything until they get
a graduate student to do it.

Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve: one to screw in the lightbulb, one to sit in the jail,
and ten to demonstrate on the streets.

Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two, three... Mummy! can I use my toes?

Q: How many technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Oh, we have a graduate student here. He can fix it.

Q: How many spies does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why bother?

Q: How many Soviet leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.

Q: How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
sell it before it crashes.

Q: How many alchemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Into what?

Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Q: How many big black 1 x 4 x 9 monoliths does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: As many as necessary.
A: 2001
A: None-light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.

Q: How many Enterprise crew members does it take to screw in a light
bulb?

(OS versions)
A: Six-Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say
"I canna do it, Cap'n! These bulbs are stoon dead", Spock to tell
Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "They're BURNED-OUT,
Jim!" and "Dammit Jim-I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to
screw it in, and two red-shirt security men to die in the process.

A: (long version)
The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat
to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up
some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours
but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an
emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any
known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three
security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the
Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the
security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies
when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy
are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be
in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too.
Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be
useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the
chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a
duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone
crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the
chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love
with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers
her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to
kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is
not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties
of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating
Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is
convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he
returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the
light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break,
they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the
bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just
happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the
starfield appears, and the episode ends.

Q: How many doctor's does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just tell it to take two asprin and come round
to the surgery later.
A: None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
A: None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.

Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable doner and do a filament
transplant.

Q: How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just paint them black and go on using them.

Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it
feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.

Q: How many Communists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old
one has burnt out.
A: Two, one to do it and one to pass out pamphlets.

Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....
A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....

Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs,
and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot
of people get hurt because they can't see.

Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 3-One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead
fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while
doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.

Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to insist that the bulb was lit when the
screwing began.
A: Nine-four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures
of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the
new bulb to let the room stay dark.

Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before
it was lit up.

Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Soviet emigres aren't afraid to sit in the dark.
A: One, and a lot of light bulbs.
A: Two. One to hold the bulb, one to drink vodka until the room spins.
A: Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal
more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the
chair by its legs, one to call an American and to ask which way
to turn the chair.

Q: How many Unix Support staff does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Read the man page!

Q: How many baby boomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Ten-four to talk about how great it is that they've all come together
to do this, one to screw it in, one to film it for the news, one to
plan a marketing strategy based on it, one to reminisce about mass
naked bulb screwings in the '60s, one to watch reruns of '50s TV
shows, and one to play classic rock.

Q: How many Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something
to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.

Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.


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