It's all poo.
Ian J
The Poo List
A Connoisseurs Guide
GHOST POO:
You know you've pooed. There's poo on the toilet paper but not in the
toilet. Where is it?
TEFLON POO:
So slick and easy you don't even feel it. No Trace of poo on the toilet
paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it.
GOO POO:
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe 12 times and you still
don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so
you don't soil it. Permanent skid marks are left in the bowl.
SECOND THOUGHTS POO:
You're all done wiping and about to stand up when you realise ...
there's more to come.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD POO:
This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis. It doesn't want to come out
until you are all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
WEIGHT WATCHERS POO:
You poo so much that you lose several kilograms.
RIGHT NOW POO:
You'd better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting
there and it usually gets it's head out before you can get your pants
down.
KING KONG POO:
This one's so big you don't think it will go down the toilet unless you
break it into smaller chunks. A wire coathanger usually does the job.
This kind of poo usually happens in someone else's house.
CORK POO:
Also known as 'floaters'; even after the third flush it's still there,
floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?
WET CHEEKS POO:
This poo hits the water sideways and makes a bigger splash than the
launching of the QEII soaking your starfish.
WISH POO:
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poo.
CEMENT BLOCK POO:
You wish you had got an epidural injection before you pooed.
SNAKE POO:
This poo is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least 3
foot long.
THE MORNING AFTER POO:
Happens the morning after the night before. Normally your poo doesn't
smell that bad, but THIS ONE ... usually you're at someone else's house
(often a girl you're trying to impress) and they're waiting outside the
bathroom.
MEXICAN FOOD POO:
Also called 'screamers' or 'ring stingers'; you know it's safe to eat
again when your arse stops burning.
TNT POO:
This one explodes and deposits poo all round the bowl. Works best if you
have been eating either sweetcorn or peanuts as it produces a nice
pebble dashed effect.
Politically Correct(?) Tale
A person was walking a pet animal one wet and rainy day when up strode a
person of the opposite sex with a similar pet, of the opposite sex, in
tow.
"A politically correct day to you" said the first person to the second.
"And to you." replied the second.
Beaming contentedly, the two persons strode side by side through the rain
along the pavement. When they reached a junction with a main road the
traffic was particularly heavy requiring a considerable wait before they
could cross
the road. Whilst standing there, both persons became more than slightly
splattered by the wash from puddles thrown up by passing cars, lorries
and buses.
Then, all of a sudden one person looked back to note the one pet sexually
entwined in the other.
"I say" said this person "I do believe an embarrassingly sexist
pet-orientated reproductive urge situation has developed here."
"Well" said the second person, "perhaps it would be wrong of us, as we
both seem to be rational adult persons, to deny innocent animals the
opportunity to indulge...."
"Gosh" said the first person, "What an attractively enlightened
attitude...."
"I'm glad you think so" said the second person, "Look, the lights have
changed and my domicile is just over the road, my spouse has gone to
work,
come in for a moment, let's give these wonderful animals the opportunity
to
really enjoy themselves...."
"Oh, yes, let's" said the first.
"At the same time," said the second person as they strode across the
road, "I believe I should be completely honest with you and admit a more
than certain animal attraction towards you."
"The feeling is mutual, I can assure you!" said the first person "but
would it be adult and responsible for us to consider consummation of such
feelings in your very domicile behind your spouse's back?"
"My spouse won't mind", said the second person, "the last thing he said
to me after eating his prunes and muesli before leaving this morning was
that as far he was concerned my PC poodle and I could get well and truly
f***ed."
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{{{{{I nicked this from somewhere else}}}}}
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