Canonical List Of Food and Waiter Humor 1/1

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Two More Ron's Don't Make A Wright

Jul 29, 1994, 7:24:20 AM7/29/94
.TH food humor \n(mo/\n(dy/\n(yr "Food and Waiter Humor"
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Canonical List Of Food and Waiter Humor (A Fly In My Soup)
Archive-Name: food
Last-Modified: 94/07/27
Version: 2.06
Version-History: 0.05(92/02),0.08(93/03),1.00(93/07),2.03(94/04),2.04(94/05),
Total-Joke-Count: 107

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== FOOD HUMOR ==================================================================
-= food humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------

Banana Loaf Recipe

2 laughing eyes 2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs 2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl 1 banana

Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs, and slowly squeeze and massage
milk containers until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle
finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts
and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure
to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.

Warning: If bread rises, leave town!

-= food humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------

Chicken Delight Recipe

1 Tender young chicken
2 legs
2 breasts
1 banana
2 nuts
1 cherry

Take tender young chick into your arms. Fill hands with breasts and knead
gently. Take legs and spread apart. Drop in banana and stir until hot.
Increase motion until cherry pops, banana creams and nuts crack. Let cool.

-= food humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------

Here's my favourite recipe for fruit cake.

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two
cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of
brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.

Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer,
beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and
beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on
the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain
your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off
the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to

-= food humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------

Best Ever Rum Cake

1 teaspoon sugar 2 bottles rum
1 cup dried mixed fruit 2 cups brown sugar
1 teaspoon soda 1 cup butter
2 large eggs 1/2 cup baking powder
1 ounce lemon juice 1/2 pound mixed nuts

Before starting, sample the rum to check quality. It should be smooth and not
at all harsh to the palate. Then proceed.
Select large mixing bowl. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be
sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a glass and drink it
as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1
seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still okay right. Try another cup. Open second
bottle ifffxx, if necessary.
Add eggs, 2 cubs fried druit and beat tll high. If druit gets stuck in
beeters, pry loose with drewscriber.
Sample rum again.
Next sift 3 cups pepper of salt, really doesn't matter. Sample rum. Sift
1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a
bablespoon of brown thugar or whatever color you can find. Wix mel.
Greese oven. Turn cake pan to 350 degrees. Pour mess into boven and ake.
Check rum and go to bed.

-= food humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------

This Is What Happens When A Fly Lands On Your Food

Flies can't eat solid food, so to soften it up, they vomit on it. Then they
stamp the vomit in until it's a liquid, usually stamping in a few grams for good
measure. Then when its good and runny, they suck it all back again, probably
dropping some excrement at the same time. And then...when they've finished
eating,'s your turn.

(Prize winning poster, Health Education Council)

-= food humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------

The Gastronomical Bean Story

Once upon time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans.
He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day, he met a girl
and fell in love. When it was apparent to him that they would marry, he thought
to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle girl that she would never go for
this kind of carrying on." Thus, he realized she might be embarrassed and
humiliated by his addiction to baked beans. So, he made the supreme sacrifice
and gave up his beloved baked beans.
They were married shortly thereafter.
Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late
because he had to walk home. On the way, he passed a small cafe and decided to
call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the
cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to
go, and decided that he could walk off any side-effects before reaching home.
But before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as
he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. All the way home he putt-putted
and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last. Just
as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized
with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to release
one last noxious output, his wife threw open the door. She seemed somewhat
excited to see him and exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise
for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and then led him to his chair at
the head of the table.
He seated himself, and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned,
then went to answer the phone. When she had gone for the phone, he seized the
opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg, and loudly broke wind. It was not
only sonorous, but also ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap
and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal
when he felt another urge coming on him, so he shifted his weight to the other
leg and let go again. This was a true prize winner; it sounded like a tuba and
smelled so bad that he started gagging. While keeping his ear on the
conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes letting out
powerful bursts that rattled the windows and shook the dishes on the table until
he knew the phone farewells from his wife indicated the end of his freedom. He
placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, and smiling
contentedly to himself, he was the very picture of innocence when his wife
returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked if he had peeked and he, of
course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold,
and there was his surprise. Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a
Happy Birthday party for him.

-= food humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------

What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
He's a real fun guy [fungi].

-= food humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------

From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U. S. (acres): 75

-= food humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------

From Harpers Index:

Sales of California Raisin(tm) merchandise in North America: $450 million
Sales of actual California raisins during the same period: $400 million

-= food humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------------

Sign in a restaurant:
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.

-= food humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------------

First take your hedgehog and tell it to stop breathing. When it has expired,
take it back and get new one. Better still, get two this time. Take the first
one and cut its head off. Then cut off the forelegs and the hind legs. Then
chop it up slowly and throw it in the fire because you don't need this one - it
was just a warning to the other that he'd better co-operate. Test the other
hedgehog to see if he's fresh. To do this, hold it and twist it firmly. If the
hedgehog makes a lot of noise, it's fresh. Then stand it on its nose and throw
bananas at it. Take the hedgehog and put it on one side and then on the other
side. Procure the rest of the ingredients. Borrow three eggs and steal a jar
of cream, two thirds of a pound of butter and a tin of beef. Now, beat the
eggs, whip the cream, strangle the butter. Now, bully the beef. Pump the
mixture into the hedgehog, bake in a warm oven for 10 minutes. Then get out of
the oven, put the hedgehog in. Baste, grind, grate, squeeze it, knead it
firmly, tread on it, kick it, pull its teeth out, smash its face in, tear its...

-= food humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------------

The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."

-= food humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------------

On April Fools day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew
her stack.

-= food humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------------

A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring

-= food humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------------

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley
of the Dills.

-= food humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------------------

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

-= food humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear that Jack In The Box is coming out with a new drink?
It's called E. cola

-= food humor =-= 18 =--------------------------------------------------------

Found posted on a door in the Georgetown physiology department.

Did you know?
Every time a loaf of bread is baked, approximately 150,000,000 yeasts are killed

Come to the award-winning 1987 film, "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."

| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |

Sponsored By
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the Elevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters

Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.

-= food humor =-= 19 =--------------------------------------------------------

Caption once seen printed on the front of an apron:

I know about Stressed...
It's Desserts spelled backwards!!!

-= food humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------------------------

A Jew and an Italian were arguing over which one could make a dime go
further. So they decided to get together later in the week and compare.
So when the did, the Jew goes first. He says: "I took my dime and bought a
cigarette. The first day, I smoked half and saved the ashes. The second day, I
smoked the other half and saved the ashes. The third day, I ate the butt and
fertilized my plant with the ashes I saved.
The Italian replies: "That's nothing! I took my dime and bought a sausage.
The first day, I scooped out half and ate it. The second day, I scooped out the
other half and ate it. The third day, I took a shit in the empty casing, took
it back to the store and said 'This sausage smells like shit' and got my dime

-= food humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------------------------

There was an old guy who lived a few houses away who managed to keep a super
clean lawn, despite the fact that everybody in the neighborhood had dogs on the
loose. I couldn't figure out how he managed this until early one morning I saw
him out on the lawn with a little bottle, putting a few drops of its contents on
the dog shit put there the night before.
So I walk up to him and ask him how the bottled stuff, whatever it was, made
the shit disappear.
He responded "Bacon grease."

-= food humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------------------------

The Non-Stress Diet
From the Tubac Market Matters (Tubac, Arizona)

This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up
during the day.

1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk

4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream

2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars

Rules For This Diet
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat
more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate,
brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk
Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes
calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong
enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and
spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on
a spoon.

Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach
and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a
universal color and may be substituted for any other.

-= food humor =-= 23 =--------------------------------------------------------

Yang's Roadkill Cafe

"You Kill It, We Grill It"

** Center Line Bovine **
Tastes Real Good, Straight From The Hood ............ $ 5.99
( with cheese, add .50 )

** The Chicken That Didn't Cross The Road **
What A Dumb Cluck ................................... $ 3.49
( includes soup and salad )

** Flat Cat **
served as a single or in a stack
Single Flat Cat ..................... $ 1.99
Double Flat Cat ..................... $ 2.79
Flat Cat Stack ...................... $ 4.99
Flat Cat Family Pack (with kittens).. $ 9.00

A Taste Of The Wild Side - Still In The Hide

** Chunk Of Skunk **
Smells REAL good! ................................... $ 7.49
( Basted in Tomato Sauce )

** Smidgen Of Pigeon **
Tastes so good, you'll coo for more ................. $ 3.49
( includes salad & French bread )

** Road Toad Ala Mode **
Jump into this dish, & you'll croak for more ........ $ 2.99
(ice cream flavors chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry)

** Shake N' Bake Snake **
Long and crunchy, with 12 secret spices ............. $ 3.99
( extra long snake, add $ 1.29 )

** Swirl Of Squirrel **
You'll go nuts for our squirrel ..................... $ 2.49
( includes salad & peanut brittle desert )

** Whippoorwill On A Grill **
This one will tickle your fancy ..................... $ 2.79
( includes sunflower & sesame seed roll with salad )

** Rigor Mortis Tortoise **
Slowly aged to perfection ........................... $ 7.99
( includes turtle soup & dumplings )

Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!

** Canine Cuisine **
You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog.

Slab of Lab ......................... $ 1.99
Pit Bull Pot Pie .................... $ .99
Cocker Cutlets (best of show) ....... $ 4.99
Sharpei Fillet ...................... $ 2.99
Poodles N' Noodles (w/French fries) . $ 3.79
Snippet of Whippet .................. $ 2.69
Collie Hit by a Trolley (Toonerville) $ 3.89
BBQ Beagle .......................... $ 2.79
German Shepard Pie (with sauerkraut). $ 3.99
Fire Broiled Dalmatian .............. $ 1.01
Trampled Sheep Dog (too Baaaad) ..... $ 3.29

** A Disney Classic: Thumper Ala Bumper **
Tender & juicy with lots of meat on the foot ........ $ 9.49
( side order of Bambi Venison $2.49 extra )

Late Night Delights! Served Fresh Each Night After Dark

** Rack Of Raccoon **
White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat ........ $ 5.99
( includes salad, & free Daniel Boone soft drink mug )

** Awesome Possum **
Jed Clampet's Family Recipe can't be beat! .......... $ 7.99
( includes Possum Tail soup & Possum Pie desert! )

** Smear Of Deer **
You'll eat Bambi's heart out and love it! ........... $ 8.99
( includes soup, baked potato with venison gravy)

** Texas Speed Bump **
Try our Armadillo, tenderized by Goodyear! .......... $ 5.69
( includes Texas Armadillo meatball soup n' salad )

Roadkill Cafe Menu Challengers

** Guess That Mess! **
A daily special treat - if you can guess it,
you eat it for free! ............................... $ 9.99

** Bag N' Gag **
our daily take-out lunch speciaL
Anything Dead, In Bread ............................. $ 2.49

-= food humor =-= 24 =--------------------------------------------------------

Clearly it is not the lovelorn sufferer who seeks solace in chocolate, but
rather the chocolate-deprived individual, who, desperate, seeks in mere love a
pale approximation of bittersweet euphoria.

As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
proper time for chocolate.

Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean
evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate because it
has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when
combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and
consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as persuasively be
made in favor of dirt.

- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate - The Consuming Passion" (a must-read for all
chocolate lovers!)

-= food humor =-= 25 =--------------------------------------------------------

Listen, then: let any man who shall have drunk too deeply of the cup of
pleasure, or given to work too many of the hours which should belong to sleep;
who shall find the accustomed polish of his wit turned to dullness, or be
tortured by a fixed idea which robs him of all liberty of thought; let all such,
we say, administer to themselves a good pint of ambered chocolate . . . and they
will see marvels. - Brillat-Savarin

-= food humor =-= 26 =--------------------------------------------------------

With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder
that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one
particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the
mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost
immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names
to itself.

-= food humor =-= 27 =--------------------------------------------------------

From a "Newsweek" magazine:

Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances."

From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.) Department of
Social Services

-= food humor =-= 28 =--------------------------------------------------------

Here's a delightful treat I made for an office Christmas party:
A gelatin mold made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One
would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but
believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop
into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably
horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely
swallowed. Great fun!

-= food humor =-= 29 =--------------------------------------------------------

To keep up with a demand in information, Gene DeFoliart, of the University of
Wisconsin has been publishing "The Food Insects Newsletter" since 1988.
"Collecting insects as food for humans is the ultimate form of biological pest
control," says DeFoliart. Some featured recipies have been Beetle Bars, Honey
Bee Souffle, Insect Quiche and Cricket-on-the-Hearth Bread. One reader responded
that she thought grasshoppers tasted "creamy and midly sweet, although DeFoliart
says to avoid the brightly colored ones.

-= food humor =-= 30 =--------------------------------------------------------

China Says Ants Can Spice Up A Maggot Diet

Beijing (Reuter, 1/26) - China's official Xinhua news agency, which announced
this week that maggot extract is a good source of nutrition, urged people
Thursday to add ants to their diet with a set of recipes cooked up by a
Wu Zhicheng, "an expert on ant diet" based in the central city of Nanjing,
has worked out dozens of recipes for ant-based cakes, teas and wines in an
effort to promote ant eating, it said.
"Ants are a miniature nutritious treasury," Xinhua quoted Wu as saying,
adding that ants contained more zinc than either soybeans or pig liver.
Xinhua said Chinese have been eating ants for more than 3,000 years and "the
longevity of many old people who are now over 100 years old has been found to be
connected with an ant diet."
The edible ant suggestion follows Xinhua's report Saturday that announced a
scientific team had worked out a way to develop maggots as a "huge new source
of nourishment for the 1990s."
"Maggot products are surprisingly appealing," Xinhua said.

-= food humor =-= 31 =--------------------------------------------------------

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in
Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer,
eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He
said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99
pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.

-= food humor =-= 32 =--------------------------------------------------------

Credit goes to Donald E. Westlake, from "Bred Any Good Rooks Lately?"

A rare delicacy is sauteed Sloth a la Dortmunder. Using the middle toe of the
great Australian three-toed sloth - the only edible part of that large, furry,
indolent creature - the careful chef debones it, pounds it as with veal, and
sautees it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and just a
touch of Tabassco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent main course,
not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many people are under the false
impression that sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've
eaten it improperly prepared. It can only be sauteed, A La Dortmunder, a fact
ill-appreciated in culinary circles. Too many cooks broil the sloth!!!

-= food humor =-= 33 =--------------------------------------------------------

In yesterday's New York Times, it was reported that China's leading distance
runner (she set a new 10,000 m record last year) trains on a diet of "worms, an
elixir extracted from caterpillar fungus and soup from the blood of soft-shell

-= food humor =-= 34 =--------------------------------------------------------

There is a sign outside a restaurant that I pass frequently that says "Now
Serving Food". It makes me wonder what they used to serve.

-= food humor =-= 35 =--------------------------------------------------------

In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say you are
"going Dutch," since the Dutch are well known for their frugality. The Dutch,
on the other hand, call the same arrangement "op z'n Amerikaans" (going
American) because the Americans are known for their egalitarian nature!
In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from Turkey. In
Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from "Hindistan", which is
Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on the Hindi name of a
French fries aren't really French. In fact, they were invented by the
English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French call them
"pommes frites" or "fried apples [of the earth]".
In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankfurters. In
Frankfurt, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.

-= food humor =-= 36 =--------------------------------------------------------

Lick That Plate Clean - And Then Eat It (Reuters)


A company in the Republic of China on Taiwan has invented what it claims is
the world's first range of edible tableware.

"Our bowls and plates are made of oatmeal and can be eaten or thrown away
after use. Unlike plastic foam, they won't cause any pollution because birds
and dogs can eat them," Lin Wan-jung, spokesman for Taiwan Sugu C., said
"The surface is glossy just like china... They're the first of their kind in
the world," he said.
Production will start next week and is intially set at 20,000 bowls and
plates a day, Lin said, adding that he expects the inventions to be popular in
environmentally conscious markets such as the United States, Japan, and Europe.
Edible bowls start to leak three to four hours after coming in contact with
boiling water, he said. They will sell for 19 cents each.

-= food humor =-= 37 =--------------------------------------------------------

Still Hungry? Eat The Plate

Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal
can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had
perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to
mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at
about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn -
can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The
only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.

-= food humor =-= 38 =--------------------------------------------------------

Biology Of Snack Cakes
Prepared by Eric Kollenberg
21 Feb. 1986

I. Introduction

As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this planet
(Earth) is divided into three basic groups - plants, animals, and snack cakes.
Although volumes of boring material have been written about the former two
subjects, there is a notable lack of reference material covering the latter. So
I made some up.

II. Evolution And Classification

Snack cakes developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if you look on
the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can find samples nearly that
old), when the seas were full of Campbell's primordial soup. This prehistoric
mixture of propylene glycol, potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium
citrate, primitive emulsifiers, and other "building blocks of snack cake"
spawned the first one-celled crumbs. Eventually, these crumbs began to colonize
around central specialized cells called endofill (known to the layperson as
"creme filling"). The colonies developed into types: spongospores and
diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the former is the common
Twinkie ("Hostus* hostilus"), the latter is typified by the primitive "Suzy Q"
("Hostus satanis"). In a bid for survival, some varieties, such as the "Hostus
hostum" (Ho-Ho) and the "Hostus zippum" (Ding-Dong) evolved protective inedible
outer shells, or exofrostings.

There are many gaps in the scheme, such as the common crumb cake, which some
have suggested has an extraterrestrial origin, and the mythical "Little Debbie."
However, these topics are outside the scope of this paper, which is another way
of saying that I'm getting tired of typing.

III. Biochemistry

What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for the behavior
of these species? What are the chemical reactions occurring within the cell
tissue? Do I look like a chemist? How the hell should I know?

IV. Feeding

The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world. Resembling a
food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the grocery store shelf.
Then it dives down the throat of the unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The
Suzy-Q now turns itself inside out like a feeding starfish, and digests the
victim with its potent creme filling.

V. Reproduction

"Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you don't think
I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you? Actually, I'd be glad to
(especially for money), but the breeding habits of snack cakes have never been
observed. This is something of a mystery, since more specimens are always being
sighted under car seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of vending
machines. Speculation about the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie
have... Naahh, that's too disgusting to even think about.

VI. Sources

1. Daniken, Erich von, "Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying Saucer Pyramid
Gods" 1969.

2. Ibid, William, "Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography" 1947.

3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills and Eats
Her" 1 Mar 1986 "National Devourer".

4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer, Improves Sex Life,
Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears" 1 Jan 1985 "Midnite Globule".

* Hostess is a registered trademark of the Hostess Artificial Food Substitute
Division of I.T.T., an exporter of international corruption. It is used without
permission, for which hordes of oily lawyers will probably descend on me and cut
out my lungs with a hacksaw.

[This paper was originally submitted as a Silly Science Fair (tm) project at an
SF con in Chicago, along with another on reproduction of coathangers. It
included a cross-sectional diagram of a Twinkie, and dissection photos (yuck!)
of other species.

-= food humor =-= 39 =--------------------------------------------------------


In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual
physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the
following experiments:


A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a
half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's
surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential
source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the
Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was
found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have
taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however,
retained its advertised "creaminess"


A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds,
the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial
butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of
burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when
thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie
was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling.
When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying
gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.

Extreme Force

A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120
feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected
"splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the
Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained
structurally intact.

Extreme Cold

A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the
Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had
noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of
acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to
practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the
freezer odors.

Extreme Heat

A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and
blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did
not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed
in the irradiation experiment.


A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated
momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its
lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2
hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan
- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie
bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie
had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned
opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the
"cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further
analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated
into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.

Summary of Results

The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should
give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as
"food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions
can be drawn.

Reprinted from SPY Magazine, July 1989

-= food humor =-= 40 =--------------------------------------------------------

In August of 1993, the Economic Evening News of Taiyuan, China, reported that a
woman in her thirties, unidentified in the story, had eaten more than 800 rubber
nipples from baby bottles in the last three years. A province health official
said all family members apparently liked the smell of rubber.

== WAITER/WAITRESS HUMOR =======================================================
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one...

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, your thumb's in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not hot.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, have you got asparagus?
We don't serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
The head waiter says you eat like a horse.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this bun tastes of soap.
That's right, sir - it's a bathbun.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, if this is place then I'm an idiot.
You're right, sir - it *is* the place.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I think I'd like a little game.
Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I'll have soup and fish.
I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven't any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I'll have a chop; no - make that a steak.
I'm a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It's in the sausages, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, where is my honey?
She left last week, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a hair my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb!
Yes, it's very popular, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this bread's got sand in it.
That's to stop the butter slipping off, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do - call a lifeguard?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir - the coffee tastes like glue.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't
Then what does it matter?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
Yes, to the brim.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
No there isn't.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't butter,
it's margarine - so there!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I can't eat this!
Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy
chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don't do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday..

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, what do you call this?
That's been soup, sir.
I don't care what it's been, what is it now?

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just move the potato and there it was.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, Waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That's rabbit stew!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------

Scene: A table at a Chinese restaurant. A patron has just been seated. The
restaurant is being run by an oriental family. The waiter has a heavy Oriental

Man: Hi! You must be the waiter.
Waiter: Yes, sir! How may I serve you?
Man: I'm hungry today! What's today's special?
Waiter: At this establishment, *everything* is special *everyday*!
Man: Ha, ha. Right. (looks at the menu.) Can't make up my mind.
Waiter: Would you like some soup of the day?
Man: What's the soup of the day?
Waiter: Bird drop soup. I go get bowl for you.

The waiter leaves and returns with a steaming bowl of soup.

Waiter: Here you go! Soup of the day!
Man: Great. (Takes a sip.) (Spits) Yuck! This soup tastes spoiled!
Waiter: Ha, ha! Soup of the day ... did not say from *which* day!
Man: Yuck, yuck! You seem to think that was funny! You must be the waiter!
Waiter: Yes! And, you are the customer. How may I help you?
Man: May I see a menu, please?
Waiter: Sure. Menu on counter. Next to cash register.
Man: Well, aren't you going to get it?
Waiter: Why? You need it, I don't!
Man: But, aren't you the waiter?
Waiter: Yes, and you are the customer! How may I serve you?
Man: Just get me the menu!
Waiter: Okay, okay ...

The waiter leaves and returns with a menu.

Waiter: Okay, here menu. Now, what you like to order?
Man: Let's see. I think I'll have the beef chow fun.
Waiter: Ah! Beef chow fun! You want to have some fun! Ha, ha! Get it? Have
some *fun*?
Man: Man, you have a terrible sense of humor! You must be the waiter!
Waiter: Yes, and you must be the customer! How may I serve you?
Man: May I have my order of fun, please?
Waiter: We don't serve fun here. Not that kind of business.
Man: What?
Waiter: My daughter is *waitress*, not for fun ...
Man: No!! I mean the kind of fun in the kitchen ... in the wok!
Waiter: Ugh! Fun in the wok! You Americans are *very* strange!
Man: No, no! Look, I want that order of beef chow fun!
Waiter: Ah, you want CHOW fun!
Man: That's what I said!
Waiter: So sorry. You are the customer.
Man: You are the waiter.
Waiter: How may I serve you?
Man: Just get me my order.
Waiter: No problem.

The waiter walks toward the order window.

Waiter: One order beef chow fun!
Man: Oh, waiter! No MSG!
Waiter: One order beef chow fun! Hold MSG!
Cook: Two order beef chow fun! One no MSG!
Waiter: No! ONE order beef chow fun! No MSG!
Cook: You say TWO order beef chow fun! One no MSG!
Waiter: No! I say one order beef chow fun, then I say no MSG!
Cook: No, you say one order beef chow fun, and one order beef chow fun, no MSG!
That TWO order beef chow fun, one no MSG!
Waiter: Look ... I only want ONE order beef chow fun, okay?
Cook: Any MSG?
Waiter: No!
Cook: (mumbles) Nobody like MSG. Don't know why. Taste good. Maybe make you
a little nervous, but so does coffee ...

The waiter returns to the table.

Waiter: Cook cook your order now. Anything else?
Man: Let me look at the menu. (Looks at the menu) Hey, waiter! What's this
on the menu?
Waiter: (Looks at the menu) Look like food.
Man: That's disgusting! Don't you guys clean your menus?
Waiter: Why?
Man: Well ... uh, I don't know. What is it?
Waiter: Look like chow fun.
Man: Really? Hmmm.

The man pulls the fragment of chow fun off the menu and EATS it.

Man: Mmmm! That's pretty good chow fun!
Waiter: That BEEF chow fun! You like?
Man: Yes. It was very tasty. I can't wait for my order now.
Waiter: How you know of chow fun?
Man: What do you mean?
Waiter: Most people order rice, noodles, egg roll, won ton ... but YOU order
chow fun! You Chinese?
Man: Yes, as a matter of fact.
Waiter: You from China? What part of China you from?
Man: Oakland.
Waiter: Ahh! Oakland not in China!
Man: Try telling that to my parents.
Cook: Order ready! One beef chow fun, no MSG!
Waiter: Here you are! One beef chow fun!
Man: Thanks. Wait. Why is there a spoon? Where's my chopsticks?
Waiter: Chow fun usually side dish. We serve with spoon.
Man: Well, I suppose I can use the spoon. Hey, what's this side dish?
Waiter: (Looks at the little dish) Don't know. Hey, cook!! Come out here!

The cook returns to the table.

Cook: Yeah?
Man: What's this white powder on this side dish?
Cook: Oh! That MSG.
Man: I said NO MSG.
Cook: I know. That why I put on side dish. In case you change your mind.
Man: I WON'T change my mind! I don't like MSG!
Cook: Look. Little bit of MSG, no hurt. Eat 5 gallon MSG, then maybe hurt.
Man: Well, I've heard people reacted strangely to it ...
Cook: (Angry) Look! I eat it! Prove to you that MSG a-okay!

The cook takes a heaping spoonful of MSG and swallows it.

Cook: (Smiles.) See? Nothing wrong! Everything okay.

The cook stops smiling. Suddenly, the cook falls to the ground and shakes

Man: Uh-oh. Maybe we should get a doctor.
Waiter: No. He just on his break. He be okay in one hour.
Man: You guys are nuts. Just leave me alone.
Cook: (Gasps) I ... need ... water!
Waiter: You customer?
Cook: No.
Waiter: You not customer, I no serve you.
Man: May *I* have some water?
Waiter: You customer?
Man: Yes. Are you a waiter?
Waiter: Yes, how may I serve you?
Man: I want some water.
Waiter: Sorry. I'm on my break.
Man: All right. Who will be serving me?
Waiter: My daughter. The waitress.

The waiter leaves and his daughter, the waitress goes to the table. She is
absolutely gorgeous...

Man: You're the waitress?
Waitress: Yes, you are customer?
Man: Yeah.
Waitress: How may I serve you?
Man: I want some more fun.
Waitress: (slaps the patron) I'm not that kind of girl!
Man: (Sighs) Just get me another order of beef chow fun.
Cook: (From the floor) No MSG!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------

"Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!".

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 64 =---------------------------------------------

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter
took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The maller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you mumbling about then? The smaller piece is what you want,

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 65 =---------------------------------------------

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 66 =---------------------------------------------

A guy arrived to a fine restaurant, he take a seat and the waitress arrived.
Waitress: Can I take your order?
Man: Please, bring me a large plate with cold shit and a glass of water.
Waitress: Sorry?
Waitress: Right away, sir!
After five minutes, the waitress arrived with a large plate with cold shit
and a glass of water...
Waitress: Here is your order sir, anything else?
Man: No, thank you.
The man takes a spoon and starts to eat all the cold shit very fast, then he
stops and take a drink of water, then he starts to eat the cold and stinky shit
again. After ten minutes, he suddenly stops, and starts to puke, and the
waitress arrives.
Waitress: Is something wrong sir?
Man: THERE WAS A FLY IN MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 67 =---------------------------------------------

Two guys walk into the restaurant and waitress comes.
Waitress: Can I take your order?
Guy 1: Yeahh, I 'll have shit with onions.
Guy 2: I'll have a plain shit.
Guy 1 (to Guy 2): Why you don't take onions?
Guy 2: I hate when I have bad breath afterwards.


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