Funny ways to answer the phone

[David Wells]

Michael S wrote:
>
> ri...@cs.athabascau.ca (Rick Powell) wrote:
>
> >I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
> >running dry since I know only 4:
> >House of the lord, god speaking
> >Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
> >Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
> >Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
> >(Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
> >Please post some original ones.
>
> Hello, Joe's Undertakers - You stab 'em ! We slab 'em !
>
> Hello, Fred's Abortion Clinic - You rape 'em ! We scrape 'em !
> No foetus can defeat us !!!
>
> ( Beat that !)
Grandma's Bed and Breakfast Grandma (or Grandpa) speaking!!

[Michael S]

[Marshall]

> > >When they call say "you have reached the (insert your last name)
residence, unfortunately we are at home right now, so at the tone please
leave your message with a live person, thank you.

Now beat that one.

[James Thompson]

Hello, Joe's Butcher Shop - nobody beats Joe's meat.
Hello, Smith Funeral Home - we will be the last people on earth to let
you down.
Hello, B & H Mule Barn - which ass would you like to speak to?

[Hammer]

joe's pool hall, cue ball speaking. If this is eight ball I'm comming
over there to hit you.

[Robert Parsons]

Marshall wrote:
>
> Michael S wrote:
> >
> > ri...@cs.athabascau.ca (Rick Powell) wrote:
> >
> > >I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
> > >running dry since I know only 4:
> > >House of the lord, god speaking
> > >Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
> > >Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
> > >Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
> > >(Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
> > >Please post some original ones.
> >
> > Hello, Joe's Undertakers - You stab 'em ! We slab 'em !
> >
> > Hello, Fred's Abortion Clinic - You rape 'em ! We scrape 'em !
> > No foetus can defeat us !!!
> >
> > ( Beat that !)
> > > >When they call say "you have reached the (insert your last name)
> residence, unfortunately we are at home right now, so at the tone please
> leave your message with a live person, thank you.
>

> Now beat that one.New York City morgue ,you kill'em we chill them

[easu...@ea.oac.uci.edu]

Karnak's Psychic Hotline. We know who you are and why you are
calling, so don't bother leaving a message.

[Larry Bristol]

Incontenance hotline. Can you hold, please?

[dwil...@aol.com]

I always liked answering with "Thanks for calling talk to you later, bye!"
when said quickly it usually got a long pause and a few goodbyes as well.

Where am I?

[Timo Salmi]

In article <57vg66$1...@sarajevo.bmc.com>,
Larry Bristol <la...@bristolpc.bmc.com> wrote:
:Incontenance hotline. Can you hold, please?

Whew! How to keep one's countenance?

All the best, Timo (aka Perfesser Pundit in rec.humor)

....................................................................
Prof. Timo Salmi Co-moderator of news:comp.archives.msdos.announce
Moderating at ftp:// & http://garbo.uwasa.fi archives 193.166.120.5
Department of Accounting and Business Finance ; University of Vaasa
mailto:t...@uwasa.fi <URL:http://uwasa.fi/~ts> ; FIN-65101, Finland

[John De Kleine]

Robert Parsons wrote:
>
> Marshall wrote:
> >
> > Michael S wrote:

Then there is:

Grants tomb, Lee speaking.

Washington Monument, Jefferson speaking.

Chicago precinct 83, Sgt. Jones speaking.

Then there was on on the radio years ago (Great Gildersleeve):
It is I - Digby O'Dell, your friendly undertaker.

John De Kleine

[Dan Evens]

This is most applicable when you get one of those telephone
solicitation calls for portable gum washing machines or
something. You listen to the spiel, getting them to give
as many details as possible without actually committing
to anything. When they seem to run down a bit and are
about to try to go on to the next victim, you say
"Well, this is all very interesting, but there is one
thing I need to ask you. I'm getting this call over
my VCR. Are you calling me on your VCR?"

--
Standard disclaimers apply.
No commercial e-mail please.
Dan Evens

[ZeroGravity]

James Thompson <jam...@AIRnet.net> wrote in article
<32A114...@AIRnet.net>...

> Marshall wrote:
> >
> > Michael S wrote:
> > >

> > Now beat that one.
>
> Hello, Joe's Butcher Shop - nobody beats Joe's meat.
> Hello, Smith Funeral Home - we will be the last people on earth to let
> you down.
> Hello, B & H Mule Barn - which ass would you like to speak to?
>

Mary's Day care, you breed 'em, we feed 'em.

[Marcos]

When your kids answer the phone and ask for mom or dad, tell them to say
"THEY are in the shower now, but I will let them know you called when they
unlock the door. I don't think they can hear me over all the shouting
they are doing in there"

On Sat, 30 Nov 1996, Marshall wrote:

> Michael S wrote:
> >
> > ri...@cs.athabascau.ca (Rick Powell) wrote:
> >
> > >I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
> > >running dry since I know only 4:
> > >House of the lord, god speaking
> > >Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
> > >Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
> > >Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
> > >(Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
> > >Please post some original ones.
> >
> > Hello, Joe's Undertakers - You stab 'em ! We slab 'em !
> >
> > Hello, Fred's Abortion Clinic - You rape 'em ! We scrape 'em !
> > No foetus can defeat us !!!
> >
> > ( Beat that !)
> > > >When they call say "you have reached the (insert your last name)
> residence, unfortunately we are at home right now, so at the tone please
> leave your message with a live person, thank you.
>
> Now beat that one.
>
>

Ava M. Cimafranca
cima...@odo.msoe.edu

[Dave Fryer]

More funny ways to answer the phone:

"Yankee Stadium, third base."
"Hi, you've reached the person you're calling...."
"Who dis?"

post more, this is a good topic!

DAVE

[Robert Lewis]

Dave Fryer wrote:
>
> More funny ways to answer the phone:
>
> "Yankee Stadium, third base."
> "Hi, you've reached the person you're calling...."
> "Who dis?"
>

I've always hated it when someone calls me and asks,
"who's this?" without identifying himself.

So, I always answer, "This is the person to whom you
are speaking." (Inspired by Lily Tomlin's "Ernestine
the Operator."

[Selwyn Clyde Alojipan]

Dave Fryer <daf...@mailbox.syr.edu> wrote in article
<58k5k3$p...@newstand.syr.edu>...

> More funny ways to answer the phone:
>
> "Yankee Stadium, third base."
> "Hi, you've reached the person you're calling...."
> "Who dis?"
>

> post more, this is a good topic!
>
> DAVE
>

Can you hear me? (Wondering why there's no response...)

--------------------------------------------------
Every generalization is false, including this one.
==================================================
/) /) Selwyn Clyde M. Alojipan
/______/ E-mail: sel...@mozcom.com
\_/^\_/ Quezon City, Philippines

[mlplo...@gmail.com]

On Sunday, April 28, 1996 at 3:00:00 AM UTC-4, Rick Powell wrote:
> I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
> running dry since I know only 4:
> House of the lord, god speaking
> Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
> Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
> Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
> (Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
> Please post some original ones.

>pizza hut and abortion center, your loss, our sauce whats your order.

[Gra...@grelberville.org]

Abortion Centre, You rape 'em we scrape 'em, No foetus can beat us...
House of lords, <insert deity here> speaking...

[ihaveas...@gmail.com]

Joe's human processing plant you ice em' we slice em' 8-ball speaking

[jamesedwa...@gmail.com]

On Sunday, April 28, 1996 at 2:00:00 AM UTC-5, Rick Powell wrote:
> I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
> running dry since I know only 4:
> House of the lord, god speaking
> Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
> Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
> Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
> (Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
> Please post some original ones.

Akbar's Snackbar
First Third Bank on Fourth and Fifth, Juan Drew Thirsten Ford speaking
Phil's unusually sourced pig meat

[someone...@gmail.com]

I go with "Joe's Morgue, you stab 'em we slab 'em!"

Or I'll say "Bob's sperm bank, you squeeze it, we freeze it!"

[soccerst...@gmail.com]

On Sunday, April 28, 1996 at 3:00:00 AM UTC-4, Rick Powell wrote:
> I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
> running dry since I know only 4:
> House of the lord, god speaking
> Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
> Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
> Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
> (Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
> Please post some original ones.

I haven't found many that work like this one but its my favorite.

*in a German accent*

Thank you for calling the German Coast Guard, what are you sinking about?

[dannigi...@gmail.com]

(thick Indian accent) "hello. And thank you for calling customer support. My name is Hadib. How may I help you today?"

[milo0tra...@gmail.com]

I normally say "Your calling Gore's abortion clinic and pizza place where yesterday's loss is today's sauce how may we help you."

[James Walker]

On Tuesday, April 30, 1996 at 2:00:00 AM UTC-5, Bill Clinton wrote:
> Planned Parenthood, you rape 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us!
"Joe sidewalks we keep you off the streets."

[Jean-Pierre Emond]

On Sunday, 28 April 1996 at 03:00:00 UTC-4, Rick Powell wrote:
> I have a little habit of funyn ways to answer phones but I am
> running dry since I know only 4:
> House of the lord, god speaking
> Joe's creamatorium you kill 'em we grill 'em
> Joe's taxidermy you snuff 'em we stuff 'em
> Bonjurrrrrr ye cheese eatin surrendur monkey!
> (Watch the Simpsons for the last 3)
> Please post some original ones.

House of God, Jesus speaking.

[Gra...@grelberville.org]

House of Lords, God speaking...

[Allison]

Abortion Pizzeria...where yesterday's loss is today's sauce. Can I interest you in one of our personal placenta pies? :)

[Edwina Moody]

Kelly's Pool Hall, Eight Ball speaking.