Text of "Night of the Kings Castration, etc"? anyone?

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Edward A. Lawrence, Sr.

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Feb 21, 1997, 3:00:00 AM2/21/97
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Back in the Stone Age, when I was a kid, There was a rather long poem
that started:

It was the night of the Kings' Castration, or the Last of the Royal balls.

It included this:

"Balls!" Said the Queen! "If I had two, I'd be King. If I had three, I'd
be
a pawn shop. If I had four, I'd be a pinball machine."
The King laughed, not because he wanted to but because he had to(two)!

Anyone remember this oldie?

Ed Lawrence wa5...@earthlink.net

Ernie Martsching

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Feb 22, 1997, 3:00:00 AM2/22/97
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The way I heard it it went like this:
Twas the Night of the Royal Casturation and all the Royal Balls were coming
off.
All of all the no-acounts were were standing around flinging camel turds
because bull shitting hadn't been heard of yet.
In walks our hero named Daniel.
"Ha Ho", said Daniel to the King.
"What ho", said the King to Daniel.
"The Queen's ho", said Daniel to the King.
"Oh fuck the Queen", said the King and 30,000 loyal pesants died in the
rush.
"Where's the Royal Princess", asked Daniel.
"She's in bed with Dyptheria", said the King.
"You mean that Greek bastard's back it town again."
This angers the King and he throws Daniel into the lion's den.
The lion rushes: is this the end of our hero?
No. Daniel grabs the lion by the right ball and gives it a gentle twist to
the left.
This pleases the King and tickles the hell out of the Lion.
So the King calls Daniel forth, but Daniel slips in some lion shit and come
in fifth.
This angers Daniel and he begins fling lion shit a random.
Random ducks and it hits the King in the face.
The King stumbles into the Queens chambers ...

And at this point I do not remeber the rest except the passage on "Balls
said the Queen" comes next.
Let me know if you find the rest


--
When it's my time to go I want to go like my grandfather did ...
Quietly in his sleep ...
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Edward A. Lawrence, Sr. <wa5...@earthlink.net> wrote in article
<01bc1f98$95c5f5c0$7af92399@wa5swd>...

David Albert Ziring

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Feb 27, 1997, 3:00:00 AM2/27/97
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In article <01bc1f98$95c5f5c0$7af92399@wa5swd>,

Edward A. Lawrence, Sr. <wa5...@earthlink.net> wrote:
>Back in the Stone Age, when I was a kid, There was a rather long poem
>that started:
>
>It was the night of the Kings' Castration, or the Last of the Royal balls.
>
>It included this:
>
>"Balls!" Said the Queen! "If I had two, I'd be King. If I had three, I'd
>be
>a pawn shop. If I had four, I'd be a pinball machine."
>The King laughed, not because he wanted to but because he had to(two)!
>
>Anyone remember this oldie?
>
> Ed Lawrence wa5...@earthlink.net

"Shit!" said the king, and a whole nation squatted, for in those days,
the kings's word was law.

--
____ ,,
/ / || David Ziring
/ _-_ ||/\ _-_ ze...@cats.ucsc.edu
=/= || \\ ||_< || \\ '85 Honda Nighthawk 450

diesel...@gmail.com

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Jan 21, 2014, 11:31:29 AM1/21/14
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On Friday, February 21, 1997 1:00:00 AM UTC-7, Edward A. Lawrence, Sr. wrote:
> Back in the Stone Age, when I was a kid, There was a rather long poem that started:It was the night of the Kings' Castration, or the Last of the Royal balls. It included this:"Balls!" Said the Queen! "If I had two, I'd be King. If I had three, I'd be a pawn shop. If I had four, I'd be a pinball machine." The King laughed, not because he wanted to but because he had to(two)!Anyone remember this oldie?Ed Lawrence wa5...@earthlink.net

Twas the night of the royal castration. And all of the kinds counts and no accounts were seated at the fourth corner of the round table. When in walked David with his jewelled jockstrap. Hole said David. What hole said the King. Asshole said David. For this he was cast into the lions den. Being the sly sonofabitch that he was David sidestepped the lion and grabbed him by the left testicle. Oh that tickles said the lion. What tickles said David. The left testicles said the lion. Upon leaving the lions den David picked up a chunk of camel dung and hurled it at the noble. The noble ducked and the camel dung hit the king. Oh shit said the king. Seeing as how the king's word was law, 900 pairs of pants hit the floor. Just then someone shouted there's the queen. Fuck the queen said the king. Seeing as how the king's word was law 90 men died in the mad scramble. Later, back in her chambers the queen was lying facedown on her bed. Roll over said David. I'll be fucked if I will said the queen. You'll be cornholed if you don't said David. Shh, you'll wake the baby said the queen. Fuck the baby said David. You'd fuck a baby? I'd fuck a chicken. Well you foul fucker.

Bob Fitzpatrick

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Dec 27, 2021, 10:29:03 PM12/27/21
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On Tuesday, January 21, 2014 at 11:31:29 AM UTC-5, diesel...@gmail.com wrote:
Oh, this takes me back to 1966, Keesler AFB enlisted barracks in the Triangle area. In those days, the draft was the law of the land and there was a war in progress. This meant that, baring a deferment due to marital or academic status, any able bodied male was fair game for induction into the US Army for a period of 2 years or until you were separated by death or dismemberment while serving your country. Enlisting in other branches was an option that my uncles, both vets of WWII and Korea, told me I would be smart to pursue. In fact, I was told that we were going to see the Air Force recruiter in the morning. My uncles were my mentors and I knew from experience I should take their wisdom as the word of God.

Once I was through Basic Training and shipped to Tech School, I discovered that a number of my fellow enlistees were former college students who had lost their deferment from the draft but were smart enough to join the Air Force. This brings us around to a really great guy whose name I do not recall that after the application of alcohol would break into a recitation of:
‘Twas the night of the king’s castration.
‘Twas the night of the king’s last ball…

That rattled around in my head for a few decades until there was google and it dawned on me that this literary work might be out there somewhere. This isn’t the first time I’ve looked for it but to all contributors, the tradition lives on proving the only constant is change. Thank you for sharing but know, this is a work in progress.
Thanks to all contributors. Especially Ed Lawrence Jr. Sir, your rendition bears many similarities to the version I heard over 50 years ago. Thank you for your contribution to this historic poem.
Maybe if I’m still around next year (2023) I will fire up the wayback machine again to see the current state of ‘Twas the night of the king’s castration.

Bob Fitzpatrick
mor...@yahoo.com

David MacDonald

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Apr 4, 2022, 9:23:01 PMApr 4
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Here's how I remember it
‘Twas the night of the King’s castration
‘Twas the night of the King’s last ball
All the counts, discounts and no accounts,
Were assembled in the King’s great hall.

The no-accounts were standing around flinging camel turds
Because bull shitting hadn't been heard of yet.
In walks our hero named Daniel. "Ha Ho", said Daniel to the King.
"What ho", said the King to Daniel. "The Queen's ho", said Daniel to the King.
"Oh fuck the Queen", said the King
And 30,000 loyal subjects got trampled in the rush
For in those days the King’s word was law

"Where's the Royal Princess", asked Daniel.
"She's in bed with Dyptheria", said the King.
"You mean that Greek bastard's back it town again."
This angers the King and he throws Daniel into the lion's den.
The lion rushes: is this the end of our hero?
No. Daniel grabs the lion by the right ball & gives it a gentle twist to the left.
Ooh that tickles said the lion, what tickles said Daniel, testicles said the lion
And with that Daniel escapes from the lion’s den

This pleases the King so he calls Daniel forth,
but Daniel slips on a camel dung & comes in fifth.
This angers Daniel and he begins flinging lion shit at random.
Random ducks and it hits the King in the face.
“Oh shit!” says the King
& 30,000 loyal subjects squatted and strained
For in those days the King’s word was law.

The King stumbles into the Queens chambers ...”balls” he yells
& the queen cried “if I had 2, I’d be king; if I had 3 I’d be a pawn shop, if I had 5 I’d be a pin ball machine
And the king laughed, not because he wanted to but because he had two.

Later, back in her chambers the queen was lying face down on her bed.
Roll over said Daniel. I'll be fucked if I will said the queen. You'll be corn-holed if you don't said Daniel.
Shh, you'll wake the baby said the queen. Fuck the baby said Daniel. You'd fuck a baby?
I'd fuck a chicken. Well I thought you were a foul fucker.

Later, in the King’s chambers, the King was dreaming “more land, more land, I want more land”
And so the queen rolled over and gave him two more royal acres.
For in those days the king’s word was law

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