Canonical List Of Language Humor 4/5

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Nuke The Unborn Gay Baby Whales For God

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Apr 12, 1994, 8:23:59 AM4/12/94
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-= puns =-= 40 =--------------------------------------------------------------

What city has the largest rodent population? Hamsterdam.

How did Colonel Sanders die? He choked on his fingers.

What goes "Ha, ha, ha, plop"? A man laughing his head off.

What did the painter say to the wall? "One more crack and I'll plaster you!"

What do you get when you drop boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross
bunnies.

What did the alien dandelion say to the Earth dandelion? "Take me to your
weeder!"

What is the gambler's heaven? Paradise.

What did the kids say when they saw Dr. Jekyll the Truant Officer coming?
"Hyde! It's Dr. Jekyll!"

What does a spy do when he gets cold? He goes undercover.

How do you change tires on a duck? With a quackerjack.

What is Batman's religion? Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha.

What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis? A hoarse doctor.

What are tired Army clothes? Fatigues.

What's a chimney sweep's most common ailment? The flue.

What did Tarzan say to his wife? "Jane, it's a jungle out there!"

Where does McDonald's get its burgers from? Macau.

How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns.

What did the kid say when his mother poured oatmeal on him? "How can you
be so gruel?"

What part of a cemetery is best for burying guns? The muzzleum.

Where is Venice located? In Venice-zuela.

What is the electrician's favourite Christmas carol? "The Twelve Days of
Christmas" because of the partridge in ampere tree.

What is a centrifuge? A place where 100 people hide.

What is copper nitrate? Overtime for policemen.

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? When his drill slipped.

Where are whales weighed? At a whale weigh station.

Where did Noah keep his bees? In the ark hives.

What happens to illegally parked frogs? They get toad away.

What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds? Tarzipan.

What do you get when you put the pictures of the Kings of Russia on a flag?
The Tsar-Spangled Banner.

What's the motto of the ghoul's convention? The morgue the merrier.

What grows up while growing down? A goose.

What are half-sized quartz watches? Pintz watches.

What did Godzilla say after eating a four-cylinder Datsun? "Gosh, I could have
had a V-8!"

How did Hitler tie his laces? In little Nazis.

Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.

What's a cow eating grass? A lawn mooer.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

Why isn't whispering permitted in class? Because it's not aloud.

How many sides does a circle have? Two: an inside and an outside.

What's a three-season bed? One without a spring.

What's Irish and sits in the sun? Paddy O'Furniture.

How do you tickle a rich girl? Say "Gucci Gucci Gucci!"

What do you call a man who drinks and falls off his horse? The wine-stoned
cowboy.

What's the similarity between a blacksmith and a counterfeiter? They're
into forgery.

What is a newly hatched beetle? A baby buggy.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny.

Including Rudolph, how many reindeer does Santa have? Ten: Dasher, Dancer,
Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph and Olive. Olive? Yes,
Olive the Other Reindeer.

What cruises down the riverbed at 60 mph? A motorpike with two side carps.

What do you give a person with water on the brain? A tap on the head.

What do you call it when a walrus eats 1000 clams? A calamity.

Why do ambassadors never get sick? Diplomatic immunity.

What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.

What colour is a belch? Burple.

If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay? A bagel.

Why are there no floods in Paris? Because the water is always l'eau.

Why are meteorologists always nervous? Their future is always up in the air.

Why do people who throw away feather pillows get depressed? Their down is in
the dumps.

Why did the blonde throw butter out a window? She wanted to see a butterfly.

What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? A hardened criminal.

How about the man who ran through a screen door? He strained himself.

A male snake charmer married a female undertaker. Their bath towels read "Hiss"
and "Hearse".

Hands are like bells, especially when they're wrung.

Never give your uncle an anteater.

Cannibals like to meat people.

Addition in a dark restaurant is "dim sum".

Some river valleys are absolutely gorges.

Camels live in Camelfornia.

In some places fog will never be mist.

Rust is edible. After all, it is a form of car-rot.

One can tell that a tree is nomadic when it packs up its trunk and leaves.

Concerning Chinese tobacco: Many men smoke, but Fu Manchu.

Some people say my puns are sleep-inducing, but I keep laudanum anyways.

One day the wind stopped blowing in Chicago and everyone fell down.

When the Lord said, "Go forth, be fruitful and multiply!" He didn't
necessarily have Math teachers in mind.

"Have you got bills to pay? If you do, please give it back. He looks silly
bald." (Laugh-In)

One who does magic tricks with bandages is a wizard of gauze.

The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.

The Irish government is wealthy because its capital is always Dublin.

We ought to rename summer "pride" because pride cometh before the fall.

If life is like a bowl of cherries, what's the raisin for living?

Plug a pizza in the socket and get a pizza delight.

The sheep rustler who broke out of jail is now on the lam.

The Hand family consists of 10 electricians. Their motto is "Many Hands make
light work."

Spanish bullfighters use Oil of Ol face cream to beat wrinkles.

Read the history of electronics of Biblical proportions: Solomon and Toshiba!

"Doctor, doctor! Some days I think I'm a teepee, others I think I'm a wigwam!
What do I do?" "Relax, you're too tents."

"Doctor, doctor! Birds keep building nests in my horses' manes! What should I
do?" "Sprinkle yeast on them and call me in the morning." "But why?" "Yeast
is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet!"

Once upon a time, a tribe of cannibals caught a saint sent to them as a
missionary and ate him. He was very tender and tasty, yet they were all
violently sick afterwards. It shows that you can't keep a good man down.

You can have too much of a good thing, but since most people think puns are not
good things, they can't have too many of them!

An expert farmer is outstanding in her field.

An incompetent ship captain grounds the warship he walks on.

Did you hear about the optician? Two glasses and he made a spectacle of
himself.

When the little boy was caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he said "I
needed help with my homework." The reason: "God helps those who help
themselves."

A story about a pony on the pampas could be called "Little Horse on the
Prairie".

A man hit another on the head with a pop bottle, killing him. In court, he
claimed he was influenced by the song "Let's Get Fizzy-Kill".


================================================================================
== TONGUE TWISTERS =============================================================
-= tongue twisters =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

-= tongue twisters =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------

I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant plucker's son,
and I'm only plucking pheasants
till the pheasant pluckin's done.

-= tongue twisters =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------

Susie sits upon the sheets; the sheets she sits upon.

-= tongue twisters =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

-= tongue twisters =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------

In French, the worst one I've ever seen is:

"Le chasseur, sachant chasser, chassera sans son chien"
(The hunter, knowing how to hunt, will hunt without his dog)

-= tongue twisters =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------

From The 1994 Old Farmer's Almanac, Anecdotes and Pleasantries, p 238:
Ten Tantalizing Tongue Twisters of Tenuous Taste

1. The seething sea ceaseth and thus the seething sea sufficeth us

2. Betty Botter bought a bit of butter, "But," she said, "This butter's bitter.
If I put it in my batter, it will make my batter bitter. But a bit of better
butter will make my batter better." So Betty Botter bought a bit of better
butter, and it made her batter better.

3. Three gray geese in the gree grass grazing: Gray were the Geese and green was
the grazing.

4. Moses supposes his toeses are rosese, but Moses supposes erroneously. For
Moses he knowses his toeses aren't roses, as Moses Supposes his toeses to be.

5. The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick. (Most difficult one-liner,
according to Guinness)

6. Iqaqa laziqikaqika kwaze kwaqhawaka uqhoqhoqha. (Translated from Xhosa, a
South African dialect, it means: The skunk rolled down and ruptured its
larynx."

7. She sells seashells bu the seashore, etc., etc.

8. Amidst the mists and coldests frosts, with barest wrists and stoutest boasts,
he thrusts his fist against the post, and still insists he sees the ghosts.

9. Theophilus Thistle, the thistle-sifter, sifted a sieve of unsifted thistles.
If Theophilus Thistle, the thistle-sifter, sifted a sieve of unsifted
thistles, where is the sieve of unsifted thistles Theophilus Thistle, the
thistle-sifter, sifted?

10. Truly Rural.
Preshrunk shirt.
Peggy Babcock
Sixty-six sick chicks.

and my favorites:

1. Toy Boat.

2. One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart.

-= tongue twisters =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------

>NEW<

I split a sheet, a sheet I split, upon a splitted sheet I sit!


================================================================================
== VARIOUS LANGUAGE EXPRESSIONS ================================================
-= various language expressions =-= 1 =--------------------------------------

>IMPROVED<

About as sharp as a sack full of wet mice. (Foghorn again)
As affectionate as a tea bag. (once said by a friend about a goldfish)
As busy as a one-legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond.
As funny as a fart in an elevator.
As funny as a fart in a spacesuit.
As funny as a rubber crutch in a polio ward.
As funny as a boil in your ass.
As much chance as a one-legged man in a butt kicking contest!
As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
As popular as a rattlesnake in a lucky dip.
As scared as a black man at a white woman's funeral!
As welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.
As welcome as a pork chop at a bar mitzvah.
Blinder than a bat.
Busier than a one-eyed cat watching nine mouseholes.
Busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican wedding.
Busier than one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
Champagne taste on a beer budget.
Couldn't hit the broadside of a barn from the inside, with a guided missile,
given three tries.
Couldn't hit the side of a barn if he was shooting from the inside.
Crazy like a fox.
Does a bear shit in the woods?
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
Don't take any wooden nickels.
Dumber than a post.
Excited as a blind dog in a meathouse.
Faster than greased lightning.
Four days older than water.
Fuck it, like two peas in a bucket.
Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the seasick crocodile.
Got the personality of a used condom.
Greatest thing since sliced bread.
Hang by your thumbs.
Hangs around like a fart in a phone booth. - Barry Humphries
Happier than a puppy with two peckers.
Happy as a fly on shit.
Happy as a hog in mud.
Happy as a pig in shit.
Harder than standing in a hammock.
Hopping around like a fart in a skillet.
Horny as a three-peckered billy goat.
How do you like them apples?
I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers. (When a man's debating with
his friends over a girl they don't find attractive, but he does)
I wouldn't touch you with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole.
I'll be on you like stink on shit.
I'll bet you a hog's turd to my daughter and you can hold 3 of my teeth.
I'll drop you like a bad habit.
I'll drop you like a dirty shirt.
I'll fix your wagon!
I'll roll you out like wholesale carpet.
I'm gonna drop you like a three-foot putt.
If I shoved your brain up a gnat's ass, it would look like a BB in a boxcar.
In more trouble than a one armed man with an itchy butt hangin' from a cliff.
Is the Pope Catholic?
It wouldn't pull a sick whore out of bed. (when something has no power)
It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock.
Let me bounce this off you.
Let's run it up the flagpole.
Looks like death sucking on a popsickle.
Lower than fish shit.
More fun than stomping the farts out of dead seagulls!
More nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockers.
Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
Nice kid, but he's got more nerve than a bum tooth.
Noisier than two skeletons screwing on a tin roof with a tin can for a condom.
Not quite the full shilling. (pre-decimal coin worth about 10 cents aust)
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Shakier'n puppy shittin' peach pits.
She's all over him like a cheap suit.
Slicker than owl shit on a china doorknob!
Slicker than snot on a glass doorknob.
Slicker than snot on a rock.
Slower than molasses in January.
Snores like a chainsaw in bucket of snot.
Sploched with purple moldy spots.
Stuck like shit on a wool blanket.
That boy couldn't hit a barn with an elephant.
That boy couldn't hit an elephant in the ass with a snow shovel.
That boy is slower than molasses running uphill in the winter time.
That boy's got a mouth like a cannon, always shootin' it off.
That Dog's busier than a centipede at a toe countin' contest.
That Dog's strictly G.I. - Gibberin' idiot, that is.
That's like throwing stones at a bear.
The three words that best describe you are as follows and I quote "STINK, STANK,
STUNK!"
There's not enough people here to stomp out a grass fire.
There's so many ??? you can't chuck a brick without hurting one.
Uglier than a mud-fence after a rain storm.
Wandering about like a fart in a pair of trousers.
Whizzing around like a fart in a colander.
Yeah, well, the folks in Hell want ice water. (Response to anyone who says they
want something that they're not inclined to give.)
You're a bad banana with a greasy black peel.
You're a crooked jerky jocky.
You're a three decked sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce.
You're as cuddly as a cactus.
You're so narrow-minded, you could look through a key-hole with both eyes.
it would look like a pea rolling down a four-lane highway.
You're so tight that if I shoved some coal up your butt it would come out later
as a diamond.
You are as sharp as a ball bearing...and as dense as one too.
Your heart is a dead tomato.
Your heart is an empty hole.
Your heart is filled with unwashed socks.
Your brain is full of spiders.
Your soul is an overflowing dung heap overflowing with the most disgraceful
assortment of rubbish imaginable, mangled up in tangled up knots.

-= various language expressions =-= 2 =--------------------------------------

Float Your Boatisms

Whatever...

blows your balloon
blows your nose
blows your skirt up
blows your whistle
bursts your bubble
charges your battery
chills your drink
chops your celery
chops your logs
cleans your clock
cleans your fish
cracks your nuts
creams your corn
creams your twinkie
crosses your "t"
dirties your diaper
dots your "i"
drains your sinuses
draws your blood
dyes your hair
fills your sails
fills your tires
fires your gun
flips you nickel
flips your flapjacks
floats your boat
fluffs your cat
fluffs your pillow
folds your clothes
frosts your cake
fuels your jet
greases your bearings
grills your meat
hits your homerun
jumpstarts your car
kickstarts your bike
licks your lollypop
licks your stamps
lightens your loafers
lights your bulb
loosens your goose
makes your basket
mixes your milkshake
peels your banana
pees in your pants
pinkens your grapefruit
polishes your Pontiac
pops your popcorn
presses your buttons
pulls your lever
pumps your well
pushes your swing
puts a wiggle in your walk
revs your engines
ripens your mango
roasts your weenie
rocks your craddle
scratches your back
scrubs your tub
sharpens your pencil
shines your apple
shines your floors
shines your shoes
shines your silver
shits in your toilet
shoots your arrows
simmers your soup
sings your song
sinks your sub
skewers your shish-kabob
slaps your monkey
slices your fruit
smokes your turkey
spices your cake
spins your turbines
starches your collars
steams your dumplings
toasts your bread
trims your hedges
trims your mustache
tunes your piano
tunes your radio
twists your knob
vacuums your rug
washes your windows
waters your garden
wedges your wood
whacks your weasel
writes your book
zips your fly


================================================================================
== VARIOUS LANGUAGE HUMOR ======================================================
-= various language humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------

East Coast West Coast
---- ----- ---- -----
Absolutely not Maybe
Action item by Feb. 12 for Joe Joe's working on the problem
Bozo Subcontractor
Brawl Design review
Dictator Facilitator
Do it and do it now Can you sign up for this program
Do it right or you're fired I'm confident in you
Fuck off Trust me
Follow the spec Is there a spec?
Get out of my office Let's get a consensus on this one
He's a jerk He's not signed on to our plan
He's a subordinate He's a team player
I'll cover your ass Consider me your resource
Ignore him, he's new I'm bringing you up to speed
Local bar Offsite facility
Oh shit Thanks for bringing that to my attention
Overdesigned Robust
Punch his lights out Constructive confrontation
Shut the fuck up Thank you for your input
Shut up a minute Let me share this with you
That's totally incompetent Let me build on that point
Unemployed Consulting
Overbudget On schedule
Underbudget We haven't started yet
We finished early No translation
We're done How do you feel about that
What's wrong with you I certainly understand your feelings
Where is the spec? What is a spec?
Where's the schedule What is the game plan?
Yes Maybe
Your plan sucks Let me share my feelings on this plan

-= various language humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------

Language Translator Programs
-------- ---------- --------

Don't comprehend someone's thick accent? Here are some programs that you can
compile to help you understand them better using their pronunciation!

Swedish Chef Translator - 'swede.l' lex source to convert English to Swedish.
Jive Talk Translator - 'jive.l' lex source to convert English to jive talk.
Texan Drawl Translator - 'drawl.l' flex source to convert English to Texan.

Swedish Chef Translator
------- ---- ----------

%{
/* chef.x - convert English on stdin to Mock Swedish on stdout
*
* The WC definition matches any word character, and the NW definition matches
* any non-word character. Two start conditions are maintained: INW (in word)
* and NIW (not in word). The first rule passes TeX commands without change.
*
* HISTORY
* Apr 15, 1992; John Hagerman: Created.
*/

static int i_seen = 0;
%}

WC [A-Za-z']
NW [^A-Za-z']

%start INW NIW

%%

\\[^ \n]+ ECHO;

{NW} { BEGIN NIW; i_seen = 0; ECHO; }
"."$ { BEGIN NIW; i_seen = 0; printf(".\nBork Bork Bork!"); }

<NIW>"bork"/{NW} ECHO;
<NIW>"Bork"/{NW} ECHO;

"an" { BEGIN INW; printf("un"); }
"An" { BEGIN INW; printf("Un"); }
"au" { BEGIN INW; printf("oo"); }
"Au" { BEGIN INW; printf("Oo"); }
"a"/{WC} { BEGIN INW; printf("e"); }
"A"/{WC} { BEGIN INW; printf("E"); }
"en"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("ee"); }
<INW>"ew" { BEGIN INW; printf("oo"); }
<INW>"e"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("e-a"); }
<NIW>"e" { BEGIN INW; printf("i"); }
<NIW>"E" { BEGIN INW; printf("I"); }
<INW>"f" { BEGIN INW; printf("ff"); }
<INW>"ir" { BEGIN INW; printf("ur"); }
<INW>"i" { BEGIN INW; printf(i_seen++ ? "i" : "ee"); }
<INW>"ow" { BEGIN INW; printf("oo"); }
<NIW>"o" { BEGIN INW; printf("oo"); }
<NIW>"O" { BEGIN INW; printf("Oo"); }
<INW>"o" { BEGIN INW; printf("u"); }
"the" { BEGIN INW; printf("zee"); }
"The" { BEGIN INW; printf("Zee"); }
"th"/{NW} { BEGIN INW; printf("t"); }
<INW>"tion" { BEGIN INW; printf("shun"); }
<INW>"u" { BEGIN INW; printf("oo"); }
<INW>"U" { BEGIN INW; printf("Oo"); }
"v" { BEGIN INW; printf("f"); }
"V" { BEGIN INW; printf("F"); }
"w" { BEGIN INW; printf("v"); }
"W" { BEGIN INW; printf("V"); }

. { BEGIN INW; ECHO; }

Jive Talk Translator
---- ---- ----------

/*
* Compile via:
* lex jive.l
* cc -o jive lex.yy.c -ll
*
* jive < file > file.jive to jive a file
* jive < file | more to view a file as it is jived
*
*/

%e 2000
%p 5000
%n 1000
%k 500
%a 4000
%o 2000
BW [ ]
EW [ .,;!?]

%{
char buf[128];

%}

%%
file return(" stash");
send return(" t'row");
program return(" honky code");
atlas return(" Isaac");
dos return(" pokey thang" );
DOS return(" pokey thang" );
[Uu]"nix" return(" slow mo-fo");
UNIX return(" that slow mo-fo");
takes return(" snatch'd");
Mexican return(" wet-back");
mexican return(" wet-back");
Italian return(" greaser");
italian return(" greaser");
take return(" snatch");
"don't" return(" duzn't");
jive return(" JIBE");
fool return(" honkyfoo'");
modem return(" doodad");
"e the " return("e da damn ");
"a the " return("a da damn ");
"t the " return("t da damn ");
"d the " return("d da damn ");
" man " return(" home boy ");
" woman " return("mama");
" girl " return("gir-irl");
something return("sump'n");
" lie " return(" honky jibe ");
-o- return(" -on rebound- ");
-oo- return(" -check y'out latah-");
[a-b]". " { sprintf(buf, "%s Sheeeiit.",yytext); return(buf); }
[e-f]". " { sprintf(buf, "%s What it is, Mama!",yytext); return(buf); }
[i-j]". " { sprintf(buf, "%s Ya' know?",yytext); return(buf); }
[m-n]". " { sprintf(buf, "%s 'S coo', bro.",yytext); return(buf); }
[q-r]". " { sprintf(buf, "%s Ah be baaad...",yytext); return(buf); }
[u-v]". " { sprintf(buf, "%s Man!",yytext); return(buf); }
[y-z]". " { sprintf(buf, "%s Slap mah fro!",yytext); return(buf); }
Sure return("Sho' nuff");
sure return("sho' nuff");
\40+get return(" git");
"will have" return("gots'ta");
"will " return("gots'ta ");
"got to" return("gots'ta");
"I am" return("I be");
"am not" return("ain't");
"is not" return("ain't-a");
"are not" return("ain't");
" are your" return(" is yo'");
" are you" return(" you is");
\40+hat\40+ return(" fedora ");
\40+shoe return(" kicker");
haven't return("aint");
"have to" return("gots'ta");
have return("gots'");
" has" return(" gots'ta");
"come over" return("mosey on down");
\40+come\40+ return(" mosey on down ");
! return(". Right On! ");
buy return("steal");
\40+car\40+ return(" wheels ");
drive return("roll");
\40+eat\40+ return(" feed da bud ");
\40+black return(" brother ");
\40+negro return(" brother");
white return("honky");
\40+nigger return(" gentleman ");
nice return("supa' fine");
"person" return("sucka'");
\40+thing return(" wahtahmellun");
home return("plantation");
name return("dojigger");
\40+path return(" alley");
computer return("clunker");
or return("o'");
killed return("wasted");
president return("super-dude");
"prime minister" return("super honcho");
injured return("hosed");
government return("guv'ment");
knew return("knowed");
because return("a'cuz");
Because return("A'cuz");
your return("yo'");
Your return("Yo'");
four return("foe");
got return("gots");
aren't return("ain't");
young return("yung");
you return("ya'");
You return("You's");
first return("fust");
police return("honky pigs");
\40+string return(" chittlin'");
\40+read return(" eyeball");
write return("scribble");
th return("d");
Th return("D");
ing return("in'");
\40+a\40+ return(" some ");
\40+to\40+ return(" t'");
tion return("shun");
\40+almost\40+ return(" mos' ");
" from" return(" fum");
\40+because\40+ return(" cuz' ");
you're return("youse");
You're return("Youse");
alright return("coo'");
okay return("coo'");
"er " return("a' ");
known return("knode");
want return("wants'");
beat return("whup'");
exp return("'sp");
exs return("'s");
" exc" return(" 's");
" ex" return(" 'es");
like return("likes");
did return("dun did");
"kind of" return("kind'a");
women return("honky chicks");
" men " return(" dudes ");
" mens " return(" dudes ");
" man " return(" dude ");
woman return("honky chick");
dead return("wasted");
good return("baaaad");
"open " return("jimmey ");
"opened " return("jimmey'd ");
" very" return(" real");
"per" return("puh'");
"pera" return("puh'");
"oar" return("o'");
" can" return(" kin");
"just " return("plum ");
detroit return("Mo-town");
"western electric" return("da' cave");
" believe" return(" recon'");
[Ii]"ndianapolis" return("Nap-town");
" "[Jj]"ack" return(" Buckwheat");
" "[Bb]"ob " return(" Liva' Lips ");
" "[Pp]"hil " return(" dat fine soul ");
" "[Mm]"ark " return(" Liva' Lips ");
[Rr]obert return("Leroy");
[Ss]"andy" return("dat fine femahnaine ladee");
[Jj]"ohn " return("Raz'tus ");
" "[Pp]"aul" return(" Fuh'rina");
[Rr]"eagan" return("Kingfish");
[Dd]"avid" return("Issac");
[Rr]"onald" return("Rolo");
" "[Jj]"im " return(" Bo-Jangles ");
" "[Mm]"ary" return(" Snow Flake");
[Ll]"arry" return("Remus");
[Jj]"oe" return("Massa' ");
[Jj]"oseph" return("Massa' ");
mohammed return("liva' lips");
pontiff return("wiz'");
pope return("wiz'");
pravda return("dat commie rag");
broken return("bugger'd");
"strange " return("funky ");
"dance " return("boogy ");
" house" return(" crib");
ask return("ax'");
" so " return(" so's ");
head return("'haid");
boss return("main man");
wife return("mama");
people return("sucka's");
money return("bre'd");
[a-z]":" { *(yytext+1) = ',';
sprintf(buf, "%s dig dis:",yytext);
return(buf);
}
amateur return("begina'");
radio return("transista'");
" of " return(" uh ");
what return("whut");
does return("duz");
was return("wuz");
" were" return(" wuz");
"understand it" return("dig it");
understand return("dig it");
" my" return(" mah'");
" "[Ii]" " return(" ah' ");
"meta" return("meta-fuckin'");
"hair" return("fro");
"talk" return("rap");
"music" return("beat");
"basket" return("hoop");
"football" return("ball");
"friend" return("homey");
"school" return("farm");
"boss" return("Man");
"want to" return("wanna");
"wants to" return("be hankerin' aftah");
"well" return("sheeit");
"Well" return("Sheeit");
"big" return("big-ass");
"bad" return("bad-ass");
"small" return("little-ass");
"sort of" return("radical");
" is " return(" be ");
water return("booze");
book return("scribblin'");
magazine return("issue of GQ");
paper return("sheet");
" up " return(" down ");
" down " return("waaay down");
break return("boogie");
Hi return("'Sup, dude");
VAX return("pink Cadillac");
. return(yytext);
\n return("\n");
%%
main()
{
char *val;

for ( ; val=yylex() ; ) {
printf( "%s", val );
}
}

yywrap()
{
return 1;
}

Texan Drawl Translator
----- ----- ----------

%{
/* Title: English to Texan translator
* Author: Adam Hudd
* Date: 5 March 1991
* Version: 1.0
*
* Input: stdin
* Output: stdout
* compile: flex -iL drawl.l ; cc -O lex.yy.c -o drawl
*/

#include <stdio.h>
#include <ctype.h>

void changeCase();
%}
%%
(^|" ")"American" changeCase(" Amerkin");
(^|" ")"California" changeCase(" Caleyfornyuh");
(^|" ")"Dallas" changeCase(" Big D.");
(^|" ")"Fort Worth" changeCase(" Fowert Wurth");
(^|" ")"Houston" changeCase(" Useton");
(^|" ")"I don't know" changeCase(" I-O-no");
(^|" ")"I will"|" I'll" changeCase(" Ahl");
(^|" ")"I would" changeCase(" Ahd");
(^|" ")"I " changeCase(" Ah ");
(^|" ")"I'm "|" I am " changeCase(" Ahm ");
(^|" ")"I've "|" I have " changeCase(" Ahv ");
(^|" ")"Mexico" changeCase(" Messyco");
(^|" ")"San Antonio" changeCase(" Santone");
(^|" ")"TV"|" television"|" telly" changeCase(" tayvay");
(^|" ")"Texan" changeCase(" Texun");
(^|" ")"Texas" changeCase(" Teksus");
(^|" ")"a while " changeCase(" uhwahl ");
(^|" ")"a " changeCase(" uh ");
(^|" ")"about" changeCase(" bout");
(^|" ")"adult" changeCase(" a-dult");
(^|" ")"afraid" changeCase(" frayed");
(^|" ")"and " changeCase(" an ");
(^|" ")"anniversary" changeCase(" anavarsry");
(^|" ")"any " changeCase(" no ");
(^|" ")"anywhere" changeCase(" anywhare");
(^|" ")"appreciate" changeCase(" preshate");
(^|" ")"april" changeCase(" abrul");
(^|" ")"are going to" changeCase(" sargunna");
(^|" ")"are known" changeCase(" iz node");
(^|" ")"are " changeCase(" is ");
(^|" ")"aren't you" changeCase(" arncha");
(^|" ")"at them" changeCase(" attum");
(^|" ")"august" changeCase(" awg-ghust");
(^|" ")"away" changeCase(" awf");
(^|" ")"awkward" changeCase(" aukerd");
(^|" ")"bad" changeCase(" bayud");
(^|" ")"ball" changeCase(" bawl");
(^|" ")"baptists" changeCase(" babtusses");
(^|" ")"barbed" changeCase(" bob");
(^|" ")"be " changeCase(" bay ");
(^|" ")"bear" changeCase(" bayur");
(^|" ")"beautiful" changeCase(" butiful");
(^|" ")"because" changeCase(" cuz");
(^|" ")"believe" changeCase(" bleeve");
(^|" ")"bitty" changeCase(" biddy");
(^|" ")"black" changeCase(" blaak");
(^|" ")"blue" changeCase(" bulloo");
(^|" ")"born" changeCase(" bornd");
(^|" ")"brake" changeCase(" brayke");
(^|" ")"break" changeCase(" brayke");
(^|" ")"brick" changeCase(" breck");
(^|" ")"brighter" changeCase(" brotter");
(^|" ")"bringing" changeCase(" brangin");
(^|" ")"brown" changeCase(" braoyone");
(^|" ")"building" changeCase(" bildun");
(^|" ")"bulb" changeCase(" bub");
(^|" ")"call you " changeCase(" cawya ");
(^|" ")"called you " changeCase(" cawdja ");
(^|" ")"camera" changeCase(" Instuhmatik");
(^|" ")"can't" changeCase(" kaynt");
(^|" ")"can't"|" can not"|" cannot" changeCase(" kaynt");
(^|" ")"capital" changeCase(" captul");
(^|" ")"car " changeCase(" cawer ");
(^|" ")"catch" changeCase(" ketch");
(^|" ")"chair" changeCase(" chayer");
(^|" ")"cheer" changeCase(" chair");
(^|" ")"chicken" changeCase(" chikun");
(^|" ")"child" changeCase(" kid");
(^|" ")"children" changeCase(" kids");
(^|" ")"clean" changeCase(" klane");
(^|" ")"climate" changeCase(" kliment");
(^|" ")"cold" changeCase(" code");
(^|" ")"darker" changeCase(" dawerker");
(^|" ")"deaf" changeCase(" dayuf");
(^|" ")"death" changeCase(" dayuth");
(^|" ")"december" changeCase(" deceyumbur");
(^|" ")"definite" changeCase(" defnut");
(^|" ")"did not"|" didn't" changeCase(" didunt");
(^|" ")"did you" changeCase(" dja");
(^|" ")"didn't it" changeCase(" diduhnit");
(^|" ")"different" changeCase(" difernt");
(^|" ")"difficult" changeCase(" difahkult");
(^|" ")"divide" changeCase(" duhvide");
(^|" ")"does" changeCase(" duz");
(^|" ")"doesn't" changeCase(" don't");
(^|" ")"dog " changeCase(" dawg ");
(^|" ")"I don't care" changeCase(" don't make no nevur mind to may ");
(^|" ")"door" changeCase(" dower");
(^|" ")"dreaming" changeCase(" draimun");
(^|" ")"drink" changeCase(" drank");
(^|" ")"drinking" changeCase(" drankin");
(^|" ")"drive" changeCase(" drahv");
(^|" ")"eight" changeCase(" ate");
(^|" ")"eighteen" changeCase(" a-tane");
(^|" ")"eighth" changeCase(" athd");
(^|" ")"eighty" changeCase(" ady");
(^|" ")"eleven" changeCase(" lebum");
(^|" ")"entire" changeCase(" entahr");
(^|" ")"especially" changeCase(" speshuly");
(^|" ")"even" changeCase(" evun");
(^|" ")"evening" changeCase(" eevnun");
(^|" ")"eventually" changeCase(" eventchly");
(^|" ")"ever" changeCase(" evur");
(^|" ")"every once in a while" changeCase(" evurwonsinawhahl");
(^|" ")"every" changeCase(" evur");
(^|" ")"exactly" changeCase(" zakly");
(^|" ")"executive" changeCase(" zekatuv");
(^|" ")"eye " changeCase(" ah ");
(^|" ")"father" changeCase(" papa");
(^|" ")"february" changeCase(" febberyawary");
(^|" ")"fell " changeCase(" fayul ");
(^|" ")"fifteen" changeCase(" fiftane");
(^|" ")"fifth" changeCase(" fifd");
(^|" ")"fifty" changeCase(" fifdy");
(^|" ")"fight" changeCase(" fite");
(^|" ")"figure" changeCase(" figger");
(^|" ")"filling" changeCase(" fillin");
(^|" ")"fine" changeCase(" fahn");
(^|" ")"fire" changeCase(" far");
(^|" ")"first" changeCase(" fursd");
(^|" ")"five" changeCase(" fav");
(^|" ")"fixing" changeCase(" fixin");
(^|" ")"flower" changeCase(" flare");
(^|" ")"follow" changeCase(" faller");
(^|" ")"for " changeCase(" fahwar ");
(^|" ")"forget" changeCase(" fergit");
(^|" ")"fork" changeCase(" fowerk");
(^|" ")"forty" changeCase(" fardy");
(^|" ")"four" changeCase(" fower");
(^|" ")"fourteen" changeCase(" fortane");
(^|" ")"fourth" changeCase(" fowerth");
(^|" ")"freeze" changeCase(" fraze");
(^|" ")"friday" changeCase(" frydy");
(^|" ")"from" changeCase(" frum");
(^|" ")"front" changeCase(" frunt");
(^|" ")"gas" changeCase(" gayus");
(^|" ")"geography" changeCase(" joggerfee");
(^|" ")"get a hold of you" changeCase(" gittaholdayew");
(^|" ")"get" changeCase(" git");
(^|" ")"going to" changeCase(" gunna");
(^|" ")"going to" changeCase(" mona");
(^|" ")"gold" changeCase(" gode");
(^|" ")"got to " changeCase(" gotta ");
(^|" ")"green" changeCase(" grane");
(^|" ")"grey"|" gray" changeCase(" graey");
(^|" ")"guests" changeCase(" guesss");
(^|" ")"guitar" changeCase(" gitahwer");
(^|" ")"gulf" changeCase(" guf");
(^|" ")"hard" changeCase(" hayud");
(^|" ")"have a " changeCase(" havuh ");
(^|" ")"have not"|" haven't" changeCase(" habumt");
(^|" ")"have " changeCase(" hav ");
(^|" ")"he " changeCase(" hay ");
(^|" ")"headed" changeCase(" hardud");
(^|" ")"here" changeCase(" hare");
(^|" ")"high" changeCase(" ha");
(^|" ")"hour" changeCase(" air");
(^|" ")"how are you" changeCase(" hyeru");
(^|" ")"how do you do " changeCase(" howdee ");
(^|" ")"huh!" changeCase(" hawh!");
(^|" ")"huh?" changeCase(" hawh?");
(^|" ")"hundred" changeCase(" hunnerd");
(^|" ")"if I " changeCase(" fah ");
(^|" ")"if it " changeCase(" hifit ");
(^|" ")"if you" changeCase(" few");
(^|" ")"if " changeCase(" hif ");
"ing " changeCase("in' ");
(^|" ")"ignorance" changeCase(" ignernt");
(^|" ")"indian" changeCase(" hinyun");
(^|" ")"inside" changeCase(" n-sod");
(^|" ")"instead of" changeCase(" instudda");
(^|" ")"institute" changeCase(" instatoot");
(^|" ")"intersection" changeCase(" innersekshun");
(^|" ")"is a " changeCase(" izza ");
(^|" ")"is it " changeCase(" izit ");
(^|" ")"is that " changeCase(" izzat ");
(^|" ")"is that right " changeCase(" zatrot ");
(^|" ")"is " changeCase(" iz ");
(^|" ")"isn't it " changeCase(" hiduhnit ");
(^|" ")"it appears" changeCase(" pears");
(^|" ")"it would" changeCase(" hid");
(^|" ")"it " changeCase(" hit ");
(^|" ")"it'd " changeCase(" hid ");
(^|" ")"it's"|" it is" changeCase(" hit's");
(^|" ")"jail" changeCase(" jayul");
(^|" ")"january" changeCase(" janyawary");
(^|" ")"jeans" changeCase(" janes");
(^|" ")"jet" changeCase(" jeyut");
(^|" ")"jewelry" changeCase(" julry");
(^|" ")"july" changeCase(" djoolie");
(^|" ")"june" changeCase(" djoon");
(^|" ")"just" changeCase(" gist");
(^|" ")"kind of" changeCase(" kinduh");
(^|" ")"king" changeCase(" kang");
(^|" ")"library" changeCase(" liberry");
(^|" ")"lie" changeCase(" lah");
(^|" ")"life" changeCase(" lahf");
(^|" ")"light" changeCase(" lot");
(^|" ")"lighter" changeCase(" lahter");
(^|" ")"like" changeCase(" lahk");
(^|" ")"little" changeCase(" liddel");
(^|" ")"log" changeCase(" lawg");
(^|" ")"lot of" changeCase(" lottuh");
(^|" ")"lots of" changeCase(" lotsa");
(^|" ")"love" changeCase(" luv");
(^|" ")"mall" changeCase(" mawl");
(^|" ")"march" changeCase(" martch");
(^|" ")"material" changeCase(" mahtearyul");
(^|" ")"may" changeCase(" maey");
(^|" ")"me " changeCase(" may ");
(^|" ")"mile" changeCase(" mahl");
(^|" ")"minute" changeCase(" minent");
(^|" ")"monday" changeCase(" mundy");
(^|" ")"mosquito" changeCase(" skeeter");
(^|" ")"moss" changeCase(" mawce");
(^|" ")"mother" changeCase(" ma");
(^|" ")"mroone" changeCase(" maroon");
(^|" ")"my " changeCase(" mah ");
(^|" ")"myself" changeCase(" mahsef");
(^|" ")"never" changeCase(" nevur");
(^|" ")"nine" changeCase(" nahn");
(^|" ")"nineteen" changeCase(" nontane");
(^|" ")"nineth" changeCase(" nonth");
(^|" ")"ninety" changeCase(" nondy");
(^|" ")"no " changeCase(" naw ");
(^|" ")"nothing" changeCase(" nuthun");
(^|" ")"november" changeCase(" noveyumbur");
(^|" ")"ocean" changeCase(" oshun");
(^|" ")"october" changeCase(" oktobur");
(^|" ")"of " changeCase(" uh ");
(^|" ")"off" changeCase(" awf");
(^|" ")"oil" changeCase(" all");
(^|" ")"old " changeCase(" ode ");
(^|" ")"one of " changeCase(" wunna ");
(^|" ")"one " changeCase(" wun ");
(^|" ")"only" changeCase(" monly");
(^|" ")"opposite" changeCase(" opsit");
(^|" ")"orange" changeCase(" arnjuh");
(^|" ")"over there" changeCase(" ovare");
(^|" ")"over" changeCase(" ovur");
(^|" ")"parking" changeCase(" parkin");
(^|" ")"people" changeCase(" paypul");
(^|" ")"picture" changeCase(" pitchur");
(^|" ")"pillow" changeCase(" pillar");
(^|" ")"pine" changeCase(" pahn");
(^|" ")"pink" changeCase(" pank");
(^|" ")"please" changeCase(" playze");
(^|" ")"pretty" changeCase(" purdy");
(^|" ")"probably" changeCase(" probly");
(^|" ")"purple" changeCase(" burpel");
(^|" ")"queen" changeCase(" kwane");
(^|" ")"quit" changeCase(" kewyut");
(^|" ")"rather" changeCase(" ruthur");
(^|" ")"ready" changeCase(" reddy");
(^|" ")"real" changeCase(" reeyul");
(^|" ")"really" changeCase(" rilly");
(^|" ")"red" changeCase(" rayud");
(^|" ")"right" changeCase(" rot");
(^|" ")"ring" changeCase(" rang");
(^|" ")"said" changeCase(" sayud");
(^|" ")"sale" changeCase(" sayul");
(^|" ")"sale"|" sail"|" sell" changeCase(" sayul");
(^|" ")"saturday" changeCase(" sadderdy");
(^|" ")"school" changeCase(" skoo");
(^|" ")"screen" changeCase(" skrane");
(^|" ")"second" changeCase(" sekunt");
(^|" ")"see" changeCase(" say");
(^|" ")"september" changeCase(" ceptimbur");
(^|" ")"seven" changeCase(" sebum");
(^|" ")"seventeen" changeCase(" sebumtane");
(^|" ")"seventh" changeCase(" sebumthd");
(^|" ")"seventy" changeCase(" sebumdy");
(^|" ")"she" changeCase(" shay");
(^|" ")"shirt" changeCase(" churt");
(^|" ")"sign" changeCase(" sahn");
(^|" ")"silver" changeCase(" seeyulvur");
(^|" ")"sit" changeCase(" set");
(^|" ")"sixteen" changeCase(" sickstane");
(^|" ")"sixth" changeCase(" sicksed");
(^|" ")"sixty" changeCase(" sicksdy");
(^|" ")"siz" changeCase(" sicks");
(^|" ")"smell" changeCase(" smayul");
(^|" ")"smile" changeCase(" smahl");
(^|" ")"softer" changeCase(" sowftur");
(^|" ")"some of those" changeCase(" sumoze");
(^|" ")"some" changeCase(" sum");
(^|" ")"something" changeCase(" sumpn");
(^|" ")"sometime" changeCase(" sumtom");
(^|" ")"south" changeCase(" saowth");
(^|" ")"speak" changeCase(" spake");
(^|" ")"spring" changeCase(" sprang");
(^|" ")"sprinkle" changeCase(" sprankul");
(^|" ")"stadium" changeCase(" stadyum");
(^|" ")"station" changeCase(" stayshun");
(^|" ")"string" changeCase(" strang");
(^|" ")"sunday" changeCase(" sundy");
(^|" ")"sure" changeCase(" shore");
(^|" ")"tale"|" tail" changeCase(" tayul");
(^|" ")"talk" changeCase(" tawk");
(^|" ")"talking" changeCase(" tawkin");
(^|" ")"tall" changeCase(" tahl");
(^|" ")"tan" changeCase(" tayun");
(^|" ")"ten" changeCase(" teyun");
(^|" ")"tenth" changeCase(" teyunth");
(^|" ")"terible" changeCase(" tarbul");
(^|" ")"terrible" changeCase(" tarbul");
(^|" ")"that is"|" that's" changeCase(" thets");
(^|" ")"that" changeCase(" thet");
(^|" ")"the only" changeCase(" thonly");
(^|" ")"the other" changeCase(" thuther");
(^|" ")"the" changeCase(" thuh");
(^|" ")"their" changeCase(" thur");
(^|" ")"there" changeCase(" thare");
(^|" ")"there" changeCase(" thayure");
(^|" ")"they" changeCase(" thay");
(^|" ")"thing" changeCase(" thang");
(^|" ")"think" changeCase(" thank");
(^|" ")"third" changeCase(" thurd");
(^|" ")"thirteen" changeCase(" thurtane");
(^|" ")"thirty" changeCase(" thurdy");
(^|" ")"this" changeCase(" thus");
(^|" ")"those" changeCase(" them");
(^|" ")"thousand" changeCase(" thousun");
(^|" ")"three" changeCase(" thray");
(^|" ")"through" changeCase(" thoo");
(^|" ")"throw" changeCase(" thow");
(^|" ")"throw" changeCase(" throw");
(^|" ")"thrown" changeCase(" thowed");
(^|" ")"thursday" changeCase(" thursdy");
(^|" ")"tie" changeCase(" tah");
(^|" ")"tied" changeCase(" tahd");
(^|" ")"tight" changeCase(" tot");
(^|" ")"time" changeCase(" tom");
(^|" ")"to " changeCase(" tuh ");
(^|" ")"today" changeCase(" tuhday");
(^|" ")"toilet" changeCase(" outhouse");
(^|" ")"told" changeCase(" tode");
(^|" ")"tommorrow" changeCase(" tuhmorrow");
(^|" ")"tree" changeCase(" tray");
(^|" ")"truck" changeCase(" truk");
(^|" ")"tuesday" changeCase(" chewsdy");
(^|" ")"twelve" changeCase(" twayulv");
(^|" ")"twenty" changeCase(" twindy");
(^|" ")"two " changeCase(" tew ");
(^|" ")"understand" changeCase(" understaynd");
(^|" ")"used to" changeCase(" ustuh");
(^|" ")"vehicle" changeCase(" vee-hicul");
(^|" ")"victory" changeCase(" viktray");
(^|" ")"violation" changeCase(" vahlayshun");
(^|" ")"virtual" changeCase(" vurchul");
(^|" ")"want to " changeCase(" wonna ");
(^|" ")"was that" changeCase(" wuzzat");
(^|" ")"was" changeCase(" wuz");
(^|" ")"wash" changeCase(" wartch");
(^|" ")"water" changeCase(" warder");
(^|" ")"we " changeCase(" way ");
(^|" ")"wedding" changeCase(" wedden");
(^|" ")"wednesday" changeCase(" winsdy");
(^|" ")"well" changeCase(" wayul");
(^|" ")"were " changeCase(" wuz ");
(^|" ")"west " changeCase(" wayust ");
(^|" ")"what did you" changeCase(" whudja");
(^|" ")"what did" changeCase(" whuddle");
(^|" ")"what do you" changeCase(" wadja");
(^|" ")"what is the matter" changeCase(" smatter");
(^|" ")"what is"|" what's" changeCase(" whut");
(^|" ")"what" changeCase(" whut");
(^|" ")"wheel" changeCase(" whale");
(^|" ")"when" changeCase(" wheyun");
(^|" ")"where did you" changeCase(" whardja");
(^|" ")"where" changeCase(" whar");
(^|" ")"where" changeCase(" whayer");
(^|" ")"white" changeCase(" wot");
(^|" ")"why don't you" changeCase(" y-oncha");
(^|" ")"why" changeCase(" wha");
(^|" ")"wife" changeCase(" waf");
(^|" ")"window" changeCase(" wender");
(^|" ")"winter" changeCase(" winner");
(^|" ")"wire" changeCase(" war");
(^|" ")"with you" changeCase(" witchew");
(^|" ")"woman" changeCase(" whoamun");
(^|" ")"women" changeCase(" wimmen");
(^|" ")"world" changeCase(" warld");
(^|" ")"worse than" changeCase(" worsun");
(^|" ")"yard" changeCase(" chard");
(^|" ")"yellow" changeCase(" yuller");
(^|" ")"yes" changeCase(" u-betcha");
(^|" ")"yes" changeCase(" yayus");
(^|" ")"you " changeCase(" yawl ");
(^|" ")"your are"|" you're" changeCase(" yore");
(^|" ")"your" changeCase(" chur");
.|'\n' ECHO;
%%
main()
{
yylex();
}

void changeCase(word)
char *word;
{
extern char *yytext;

/* change o/p to upper/lower based on original text */
if (isupper(*(yytext+1)) && islower(*(word+1)))
*(word+1) = toupper(*(word+1));

printf(word);
}

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